Death sucks.

Unfortunately, it comes to us all, and making peace with that is not something everyone
can do. Before this year, I believed death was a transcendence into Heaven, or a recycling back to Earth
in a next life. Thats because Judaism believes that death is not the end of human existence. Yes, Judaism
is focused on the here and now more than the what's to be, but there are many theories of what could
happen when you die. Unfortunately, you only really find out once, and it'll be pretty hard to tell the
living when you do.

I was taught that before there was anything, there was G-d. G-d was everything, but G-d was lonely, so
G-d shrunk down to make space, and made a vessel which G-d called Adam (not Adam and Eve Adam, a
different one). This vessel was filled with pure divinity and knowledge. However, without
comprehending how to use the knowledge intelligently, the vessel burst. This, I believed, was the Big
Bang. This vessel burst into an unfathomably massive amount of "sparks," one of which each of us has.
We all have a little piece of the infinite knowledge, and it is up to us to experience close quarters with
the other sparks, transferring opinions and other experiences to turn that knowledge into intelligence.
Then, when we die, our spark goes up tosomewhere. In Karel Capek's short story The Last Judgment,
this somewhere is a courtroom between Heaven and Hell. G-d and the newly deceased have to appeal to
the judge, and G-d is simply the witness. In this place, you are either kept in Heaven if you have learned
enough and have made your spark holy, and your spark goes to live with the others, rebuilding Adam, or
you go back to Earth. Some people, like I used to, believe that Earth is the real Hell, and that getting
through it and achieving holiness while doing so will get you into Heaven. To be able to physically go
through Hell, and to go through hell (because we all do) and still coming out a better person is holy.
Changing the Hell you go through, for the better, will get you there, and making it better, is the greatest
thing anyone can do. To quote Walter Whitman, The powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a
verse. The powerful play of life continues indefinitely, and your verse is your spark, experiences, story,
and changes which all go to Adam. Your verse, if seen as great in the holy courtroom, will determine
whether or not you continue the cycle or become the holiest thing you can be.

Thats what I used to believe. And heres where I place my warnings. In short, I have rejected religion as
a constitution for reasons I will soon explain. Because of the existentialism unit and Of Human Bondage,
I was awoken and began to perpetually learn about life experiences. That existence is defined by
experience, absurdist or anything else. To really exist is to experience, and my experience has been one
not many Americans go through, it was a path away from God. This is my revised, personal (and I mean
that in 2 ways), and official new set of beliefs.

I have lived through Y2K, 9/11, Hurricane Katrina, the war in Iraq, the war in Afghanistan, the deaths of
family members, the deaths of friends family members, my grandmothers currently-worsening
Alzheimers, and oppression. Of those 9, 4 I can directly link to religion. 9/11 and the two wars following
it happened because there were people with religious beliefs who didnt agree with ours. We were
infidels for not believing in the same peaceful religion as the one preached by those piloting the four
planes determined to destroy our country and way of life. The irony is palpable. Then there were wars
against the religious terrorists, fueling the viscious cycle of religious intolerance. Isnt the whole point of
religion to be tolerable of those around you? To perform mitzvot (charities, justices, good deeds) and
make life easier for those around you? And as for oppression, someone in my family this year came out
as gay to the rest of my family, effectively changing our familys way of life. The entire family has been
and still is supportive, and nobody could be happier. But what I see is merely 12 out of the 50 states
legalizing equal happiness in the form of marriage. 38 states see gay marriage as going against their
religious beliefs. Itd be like me telling you all not to eat hamburgers because Im on a diet. Oppression
based on religion in a country that separates church and state is enough, for me, to question what religion
is really all about. The existentialism unit played in because it got me to really use my thinking to
determine my beliefs. I didnt choose to be Jewish, I was born into it. That doesnt mean I had to keep it
that way. Of Human Bondage showed me my own bondage in some of the last pages of the book, where
Philip discovers the meaning of life from the carpet and the story of the Eastern King who learned that
the entire history of man was, he lived, he suffered, he died. I used that story as a framework for my
thought process (to step away from details and see things from the larger picture) during the
existentialism unit. We do things like convey ideas because we need to live. We talked about storytelling
as a sort of homeostasis, and it makes perfect sense to me. After being enchanted by absurdism and
haunted by the lack of response of God in Philips life, I tried praying for something to be changed.
Anything. But nothing happened. I begged for just a sign that I wasnt talking to myself. Not a thing
happened. I had seen God as a friend at that point, so when a friend ignores me when I ask for the
slightest bit of care, its not exactly hard to tell the friend doesnt care enoughor is imaginary. I went
with the latter.
I embraced life for what it is today. I see science making the world more beautiful then anything religion
could have ever done. I see tetrasilver tetroxide injections starting to cure AIDS. I see vinegar now being
used to spot cervical cancer cells. I see my phone sending and receiving all sorts of radio waves in the
form of 4G and Wifi. I see planes, trains, cars, bikes. I see medicine. I see buildings. I see process. I see
science. On the other hand, I see people preaching faith like theres no tomorrow, and then leaving their
sermon, looking both ways before crossing the street. I see people preaching, God hates fags on the
streets of DC. I see politically powerful religious people making important decisions based on their sole
beliefs. I see children dying because the childs parents decide to wait for God himself to cure. I see
killing in the name for Allah. I see, in the Bible that I used to follow, how to kill animals. How to tear a
bird in half by its wings when you sin. I see stoning your wife as a legal religious practice. I see hate. I
dont see love. Where I see the love is not in all this hatred covered by a thin veil of love. I see the love
in scientists working their asses off each and every day to make sure we live to see the next one. I see
people creating gods in the image of themselves. People creating a God to worship them by granting
them Paradise, like what we would do to any god that entered our realm. I see selfishness in religion, and
blindingly fast progress towards knowledge of everything in sceince. I now see more beauty in knowing
life has no afterparty than I ever did believing I had to do good deeds for my own gain in 80 or so years.
I will still perform good deeds wherever I see fit. But because of Philips all-too-relatable journey,
because of my grandpa still turning to God after my Grandma forgets who he is, because of the
incredible lack of evidence, because of the lack of separation of church and state (churches dont have to
pay taxes, but schools do), because of people claiming this country to be a Christian nation when George
Washington bashed on religion so hard it would have died had it been a person, because of the
resounding oppression of anybody whos different (historically: slavery, marrying a woman only if you
give her father cattle, interracial marriage, gay marriage, abortion, and so. Many. Other. Things.), I
decided, like Philip, and most famous existentialists, that oppressing others in the name of my god to get
paradise, to give someone hell and receive heaven in return, was as absurd as pushing a large rock up a
steep, icy hill for eternity.

And I am happy with that conclusion. The conclusion being:

Live while you can, because you dont have much time to do so. Be nice to others, make people laugh,
find love, accept all forms of love, question everything, make smart decisions, let loose every now and
then, take risks, break molds, do what you believe is great work, shatter expectations, write legends. The
future is ours for the asking. So ask. Question everything. Believe what you feel comes the most
naturally. Because you do not choose your beliefs, your beliefs choose you.