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Fam Proc 22:211-219, 1983

Jealousy: Interventions in Couples Therapy

WON-GI IM, M.D.a
R. STEFANIE WILNER, PH.D.a
MIRANDA BREIT, PH.D.a
aChild and Family Outpatient Department, Long Island Jewish-Hillside Medical Center, Child and Family Outpatient Department, P.O.
Box 38, Glen Oaks, New York, 11004.
Jealousy is a ubiquitous phenomenon that often needs to be addressed in couples therapy. Eleven treatment
interventions, with case examples, are discussed, ranging from traditional, direct, straightforward approaches to
indirect, paradoxical solutions. Criteria are offered for determining which interventions to use.

O! beware, my Lord, of jealousy;

It is the green-eyed monster which doth mock
The meat it feeds on.
Shakespeare
Jealousy is a powerful emotion that everyone has experienced. In its mildest form, jealousy may be a fleeting state
triggered by a perceived threat to a significant relationship; in its most pathological form, it may be enduring,
all-consuming, and destructive to the relationship in question. Individuals differ with respect to their susceptibility to
jealousy, based on factors such as past experience, self-confidence, feelings of self-worth, and basic trust. Aside from its
personal cost, jealousy can have serious interpersonal ramifications.
Many different kinds of situations may arouse jealous feelings: a suspected infidelity, a partner's involvement with a job
or relative or friend, a competitive relationship with a colleague, a rivalry between siblings or generations. This paper
focuses specifically on the issue of jealousy in couples when a third party constitutes a real or imagined threat to the couple
relationship. A number of treatment interventions are offered, ranging from straightforward, common-sense approaches to
indirect, paradoxical solutions.
Straightforward interventions involve cognitive (2), rational-emotive (5), and communications approaches (8, 9).
Straightforward methods are those in which clarification, explanation, and reassurance are used to alleviate jealous feelings.
Sprenkle and Weiss (15), in their paper on extramarital sex, discuss the need to clarify and challenge myths and false
beliefs about fidelity. Constantine (4) and Ard (1) emphasize the importance of exploring and defining relationship
boundaries to alleviate jealous distress.
Systems theory and practice, as embodied in the work of Erickson (11), Haley (10, 12), and Watzlawick, Weakland, and
Fisch (18), provide a comprehensive model for understanding jealousy. Watzlawick et al. (18) illustrate how a jealous
system may become activated and how it may be maintained and perpetuated by the attempted solutions employed by both
partners. Describing a woman who feels that her husband does not share enough with her, they point out that the wife's
solution of questioning her husband may lead to the husband's increased withholding of information. His attempted solution
of withholding leads to more persistent efforts on her part to "find out," and ultimately leads to more jealousy and suspicion.
Their example illustrates how a game without end may get under way (17).
As a consequence of this type of interaction, both partners may find themselves caught in a double bind. The jealous
partner is in a no-win situation, since asking may lead to angry withholding or to extracted reassurance that is ultimately not
reassuring. The nonjealous partner is also caught in a no-win situation, since withholding leads to further mistrust and
disclosing information may exacerbate jealous feelings.
Another vicious cycle is one in which the jealous member progressively sinks into a one-down position, while the
nonjealous member rises, in inverse ratio, to a one-up position. This complementary relationship (10), when amplified,
results in one member's becoming devalued and the other overvalued.
A systemic conceptualization, although it does not preclude jealousy as an intrapersonal trait, shifts the focus from a
purely intrapsychic model to an interpersonal one. It implies that either partner may make a change that can interrupt and
resolve the jealousy.
A majority of couples benefit from traditional, straightforward methods. These include the kinds of common-sense
techniques that most therapists use, such as helping couples to communicate more openly and to better understand each
other's needs and feelings, to clarify issues, and to correct misperceptions and distortions. When such accepted practice

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does not serve to alter the problem, as when vicious cycles have escalated and have become entrenched or when
straightforward methods have been tried and have failed, more indirect and dramatic interventions may be in order.
This paper selectively emphasizes approaches that are less commonly used and are more controversial. In addition, the
paper focuses narrowly on therapists' interventions and not on the process of therapy. A zoom-lens approach is used to
magnify particular aspects of the therapy, without implying that these interventions constitute the totality of the treatment.

Clarification and Reassurance

When there is no actual threat to the marital relationship, the simplest and most straightforward approach to the problem
of jealousy entails identifying the issues and reassuring the jealous partner that such fears are groundless. When clarifying
issues, it is important to examine the attributions the jealous partner is making. Often more is being read into the situation
than is warranted. Consistent with cognitive and rationale-emotive approaches (2, 5), the erroneous ideas that underlie and
trigger the jealous reaction need to be ferreted out and corrected.

A couple, married for 15 years, enjoyed a good relationship. However, when the wife decided to return to her career
after her children were in school, her husband balked at the idea and raised a number of objections. Angrily, he
maintained that the family would suffer from neglect, and he resented the likely probability that he would be called
on to perform many more household duties. He scoffed at the advantages that might accrue, such as increased
income, more lively conversation, and a generally happier and more fulfilled wife and mother. The wife resented her
husband's unwillingness to respect her career needs. The couple were caught in an angry deadlock, each feeling
misunderstood and victimized.

In the course of discussing the situation, the husband became aware that his objections to his wife's return to work were
based on jealous anxietya fear that, once in a work setting, she would be thrown together with other men whom she
might find more interesting and appealing than he and that he would then lose her. Once the wife understood the real basis
for her husband's objections, she was able to address the actual issues and put her husband's fears to rest.

Admission of Jealousy
Sometimes a jealous partner finds it difficult to admit to jealousy. A tactic of deliberately concealing true feelings and
concerns may be employed by the jealous partner and questions may be surreptitiously asked in an attempt to appear
nonchalant. When this occurs, a communications approach emphasizing the value of owning up to one's feelings and
making clear-cut "I" statements may be indicated. Bringing the problem out into the open may lead to a more responsive,
more empathic reaction from the partner, which may help to resolve the jealousy issue in question.

A psychologist, married for 5 years to a college professor, was jealous of his popularity with his young female
students. The wife hid her intense feelings of jealousy because she was ashamed of what she considered to be her
psychological immaturity and because she feared that revealing her jealousy would give her husband too much
power in the relationship. Instead of confiding in her husband, she dealt with her jealousy by deviously questioning
him about his students and his whereabouts. This he found intrusive and annoying.

When persuaded to bring her jealousy out into the open and risk exposing her vulnerability, the wife found her husband's
reaction reassuring. He was flattered by her jealousy and joked about it in lighthearted ways that they both found amusing.
The husband's attitude helped to dispel the wife's fears and to restore her confidence in herself and in their relationship.

Environmental Change
Straightforward, honest communication does not guarantee the resolution of existing jealousy issues. In some cases, an
environmental change, such as a move to a new neighborhood or the termination of a specific relationship, may be required
to ameliorate the situation.
A woman who maintained a platonic relationship with a former lover was asked to sever her tie with this person in order
to safeguard her current relationship, which could not withstand the strain of this friendship pattern. Prior to her agreement
to take this step, no amount of discussion seemed fruitful.

Scrupulous Honesty
It is not uncommon for the partner of a jealous spouse to withhold information that might be misconstrued and thereby
trigger a jealous reaction. Withholding information is a frequently used protective strategy that can backfire if the jealous
partner discovers the concealed information. If discovered, the innocent meeting that was not reported for fear of an
overreaction becomes proof positive that something significant has indeed occurred. The failure to have reported the event

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takes on heightened and ominous meaning, and the initial effort to avoid a jealous reaction leads to the very response that
was dreaded. Now the jealous partner is convinced that the other partner cannot be trusted.
Scrupulous Honesty is aimed at counteracting the boomerang effect of concealment. The partner is advised to be
unwaveringly honest about every detail of the day's experience and to flood the jealous partner with information. Because
the jealous person tends to feel excluded and to suspect that clandestine events are taking place, the flooding approach of
inundating the jealous partner with information may succeed in dispelling existing suspicions. Indeed, the jealous partner
may feel overcome by this embarrassment of riches.

A real estate broker, recently divorced, entered into a relationship with a man 15 years her junior and much less
successful than she. He proved to be extremely jealous of virtually all her business contacts. At first, she tried to
reassure him that she had no interest in anyone else. When this failed, she attempted to use humor. Finding that her
lover was offended by her attempts at levity, she decided to conceal information in the hope of avoiding his jealous
rages. On the occasions that he discovered her omissions, his jealous outbursts bordered on violence.

Given the directive to be consistently and scrupulously honest with her partner, the woman recognized the value of the
strategy but at the same time realized that she was not sufficiently committed to the relationship to carry it out.

Crime and Punishment

The technique of Crime and Punishment may be effective when there has been an actual breach of a commitment and the
partner is aware of the infidelity. Often, no amount of reassurance from the unfaithful partner helps to allay the suspicion
and mistrust of the betrayed one. In this type of intervention, there is an acknowledgement of the "crime" and an imposition
of a "punishment."

A couple came for marital therapy at the point at which the husband had returned to the marriage after having left
his wife for another woman. Though the husband tried to convince his wife of his love for her and though he
promised to remain faithful, the wife continued to be obsessed by thoughts of the other woman. She was determined
to find out everything she could about her husband's former relationship. She scrutinized his belongings, studied old
phone bills, and inspected his appointment book. The husband became increasingly irritated by his wife's relentless
pursuit of the past, and his impatience and anger added to the wife's feeling even more rejected and unloved.

The therapist labeled the affair a crime against the marriage and suggested that much time would be needed to heal the
wound and restore trust. The husband was advised that a punishment would need to be imposed in order to help his wife to
forgive him. The penalty prescribed was full disclosure by the husband about his former relationship. The wife would be
allowed to ask any question she chose and the husband would be obliged to reveal even the most intimate details about
which she might inquire. The wife was to use a full evening and night for this purpose and she was not to censor any
question that came to mind.
This task is, in some respects, similar to an Ericksonian Benevolent Ordeal (11), in that once the wife was given license
to ask anything and everything, the task became odious and was soon terminated by her. The task served to validate the wife
and to satisfy her need to punish her husband. Indeed, she had been doing this all along with her moodiness, crying spells,
and intrusiveness. The therapist's directive to punish her husband made overt what had been covert. The couple was then
better able to address the troublesome aspects of their marriage that had contributed to the husband's having the affair in the
first place.

Pretend Technique
This procedure, called Exaggerated Role-Taking (13), was exemplified in the story by Isaac Bashevis Singer called "A
Piece of Advice," in which a man's fierce anger was dissipated by pretending it did not exist.
If a jealous person can control jealous behavior and act in a nonjealous manner, the jealous feelings may dissipate in
time. If the jealous person can accept this idea as a plausible construction and can learn to roleplay nonjealous behaviors,
this apparent change may evoke a more favorable response from the partner. As a rule, jealous behavior, with its attendant
demands, interrogation, whining, and fault-finding, evokes a negative reaction from the partner. By behaving more
reasonably and positively toward the partner, despite feelings to the contrary, it is possible to reverse the downward
interactional spiral of the couple. The partner, no longer driven to frenzied extremes, may behave with more affection
toward the apparently nonjealous spouse, and the jealous partner may, in turn, come to feel more secure and think more
rationally following the change in behavior.

The wife of a pharmacist was extremely jealous of her husband's affection for his older sister. The husband felt

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strongly indebted to his sister because she had put him through school and had mothered him for many years. In
addition, he felt very protective toward his sister because she had become infirm over the years. His wife's jealousy
seemed petty and contemptible to him. The marital relationship was strained, with the wife feeling rejected and the
husband feeling disdainful of her.

After having tried the more traditional approaches with no success, a strategic alliance (3) was formed with the wife. She
was advised that, since she appeared to be more flexible than her husband, any change in the relationship would come
about through her efforts. She was instructed to conceal her jealous feelings and to feign acceptance of her sister-in-law and
of the relationship her husband enjoyed with her. She was to invite her sister-in-law to the house, remind her husband to
call her, and show no resentment when he came home late after spending time helping his sister. Even though this proved to
be an extremely difficult assignment for this woman, she was partially successful. She was able to reverse her spiteful
exclusion of herself from the relationship between her husband and his sister and to demonstrate a measure of positive
feeling. As a consequence, her husband's attitude toward her softened.

Reframing
Reframing has been extensively described by Watzlawick et al. (18). Essentially, Reframing involves changing the
perception of a symptom, a problem, or an action by casting it in a new light. This may be accomplished by reframing the
meaning or the function of the behavior. Teisman (16) points out that pejorative language used to describe jealousy often
prolongs the problem. Words such as paranoid, possessive, irrational, etc. can be replaced by words with a more positive
connotation, such as passionate, romantic, loyal, etc. Altering the language of jealousy can have an effect upon the couple's
perception of it.

A husband had, for many years, been dissatisfied with his sexual relationship with his wife. The wife was repeatedly
unresponsive to the husband's requests for sex counseling. Eventually, the husband had a series of encounters with
call girls. When he disclosed this to his wife, she immediately consented to go with him for sex therapy.

The wife, in a state of depression upon entering therapy, was beset with intense jealousy, fears of abandoment, and
mistrust. The call girl episode, perceived by the wife as a betrayal, was reframed as a necessary action that had had a
positive and salutary effect. It was pointed out that the wife had needed "shock therapy" to bring her attention to the sexual
problem and to her husband's distress. His infidelity had the desired effect of propelling her into responding to his request
that they seek help. Although the wife could not entirely accept that her husband's infidelity had the effect of saving, rather
than betraying, the marriage, the new slant given to his actions had a beneficial effect. An action that had been viewed as
totally destructive was now perceived as ironically helpful. The couple were freed to explore the significant contributants to
their sexual dysfunction.

Unpredictability
Essentially a more dramatic version of the Pretend Technique, the technique of Unpredictability involves forming a
Strategic Alliance (3) with the jealous partner who suspects the other of losing interest or of infidelity. This strategy breaks
into the jealous person's tendency to pursue the nonjealous partner. The pursuer is directed to abandon the pursuit and to
replace overattention with inattention (18).

A newly married couple came for treatment at the point at which the wife was ready to dissolve the marriage. The
husband had implored her to give him one last chance by going for marital therapy. The wife was a vivacious social
butterfly who, soon after they were married, felt smothered and trapped by the monotony of married life and bored
by her stable, reliable husband who went to great lengths to please her. She began to spend more and more time
away from home. She neglected her household responsibilities and failed to call him to apprise him of her plans or
whereabouts. His jealousy and clinging behavior intensified when he found her, on several occasions, flirting and
flaunting herself at other men.

A Strategic Alliance was formed by the therapist with the husband in which the therapist pointed out the self-defeating
nature of the husband's attempts to hold onto his wife. The therapist told the husband that there was one way that he might
manage to regain his wife's respect and love but that it might prove too difficult for him to carry out. The husband, eager to
know the solution to his problem, swore he was prepared to do anything, and thus a Devil's Pact was formed (18). Since the
wife needed excitement, he could offer her excitement by becoming unpredictable. He was instructed to leave her guessing
as to when he would be home, to make plans that did not include her, and to phone less predictably. As he implemented
these suggestions and some of his own making, he found that he enjoyed himself, that he made friends easily, and that a
woman at work expressed interest in him. With increased self-confidence, he was able to give up his possessive, clinging

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behavior, and as a result, his wife began to worry about losing him and became more loving and attentive. His jealousy
lessened as the threat of losing her diminished. A more symmetrical relationship was reestablished as he regained his wife's
respect.

Turning the Tables

When using the technique of Unpredictability, a Strategic Alliance is formed with the jealous partner. Turning the Tables
involves forming a Stragetic Alliance with the nonjealous partner. The nonjealous member is asked to pretend or role play
the part of the jealous mate. This enables the jealous partner to regain lost self-confidence and allows the nonjealous spouse
to rediscover the partner's more positive qualities.

A physician in his mid-forties sought help because his 21-year-old marriage was in serious trouble as a result of his
wife's pathological jealousy. Her jealousy, which assumed delusional proportions, had resulted in physical assaults
on the husband and eventually led to a change in the husband's hospital affiliation owing to his embarrassment over
her relentless telephone harassment. His life was severely constrained by her jealousy, for he avoided social
contacts so as not to arouse her jealous fury. At the time of consultation, he was considering divorcing her or
committing her to a psychiatric hospital.

The therapist instructed the husband to act the part of a jealous husband and to keep this strategy secret from his wife.
Having learned over many years how a jealous person behaves, he was able to perform the role of a jealous spouse so
skillfully and subtly that his wife could not detect his duplicity. Whereas he had seldom called home in the past, he now
called his wife frequently to check on whether she was at home and to find out what she was doing. He made critical and
suspicious remarks about any new clothes she wore, and he expressed displeasure whenever she showed the slightest
interest in a member of the opposite sex.
The result was dramatic. The wife, now feeling flattered by her husband's attentiveness and new-found interest, lost her
anger and jealousy. She became pleasant and loving toward her husband and expressed remorse over her earlier behavior.
At eight-month follow-up, the husband reported that his wife continued to be supportive and loving, but as a precaution, he
was still practicing the role of the jealous husband from time to time.

Intensifying the Conflict to the Level of Absurdity

When a symptom is supported by fixed logic that appears perfectly rational to the patient, the application of absurd logic
may be indicated. Whitaker (19) describes a "psychotherapy of the absurd" whereby the unreasonable quality of the
patient's symptom or situation is augmented to the point of absurdity. He cautions that this approach be carried out lovingly
for this "caring is the anesthetic for the amputation of pride that takes place" (p. 6). Fay (7) specifically describes treating
jealousy by exaggerating it to absurd proportions.

A well-educated, middle-aged couple, married for six years, had sought a consultation because of an impasse they
had reached. The husband had developed an absorbing interest in three cats that he had inherited from his late wife.
His present wife experienced intense jealousy over these cats. Although the marriage was basically satisfying, the
conflict around the cats had become so intense that even physical assaults had occurred during their arguments and
their marriage was now in jeopardy.

In the third interview the therapist addressed the wife:

I don't know how you could have lived with and put up with a man who is so selfish and narrow-minded that he will
not give up those three cats for you. I advise you to see a divorce lawyer as soon as you can. You do not need a
psychiatrist.

Then addressing the husband, the therapist said:

I don't understand how you could have lived with and put up with a woman like your wife who is so selfish and
narrow-minded that she will not allow you to enjoy your only hobbythose cats. If she really loved you, she would
also accept your hobby. What you need is a divorce lawyer, not a psychiatrist.

The couple looked puzzled and confused as they left the office. On three-month fol-low-up by telephone, the wife said:

Doctor, I'm sorry to tell you, but you were wrong. We didn't need a divorce lawyer. You know, you just have to
learn to compromise in a marriage.

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Although it was clear to the therapist that the three cats represented the husband's lingering attachment to his late wife,
an attachment that aroused jealousy in his present wife, the underlying emotional issues were not addressed. Instead, the
therapist intensified the couple's manifest conflict to the level of absurdity and the therapist's irrationality provoked the
couple into taking a more rational and adaptive position (6). As expected, the couple defied the therapist's suggestion and in
so doing resolved their conflict.

Positive Participation
Lindner (14), in his case of "The Jet-Propelled Couch," treats his delusional patient by joining with him, entering
completely into his fantasy world. With the technique of Positive Participation, the therapist joins with the jealous partner,
accepting, rather than challenging, the truth of the partner's suspicions. This intervention is useful in cases in which the
jealous suspicions are known to be ill-founded.

A couple came for a consultation because of the wife's delusional belief that her husband was wildly attracted to
blondes, especially the blonde who had recently moved into the house across the street.

Initially, Turning the Tables was tried. The husband had been directed to play the part of a jealous mate. The effort
failed, however, because of the clumsy manner in which the husband executed the directive, leading to the wife's discovery
of her husband's deception. A new strategy of joining with the wife was employed. In a joint session the therapist said to the
wife:

I am a Buddhist and therefore believe in Karma and in the existence of past lives. I believe that your husband's
interest in blondes has its origin in his past lives, in which he rejected and hurt women with blonde hair. In order to
undo his past deeds, he must show love for blondes. That is the reason for his blonde complex. Now, you can help
your husband get over this complex more quickly by strengthening his interest in blondes.

The wife was asked to participate in the blonde complex by pointing out every blonde she saw in the street or on TV.
The therapist had her practice the task of pointing out blondes to her husband with the use of magazines brought into the
session. After four weeks, the wife said to the therapist:

I am getting sick of this blonde business. I don't care any more. If he wants to see them, let him see them. It's his
problem anyway.

In subsequent sessions, the wife reported her insights that her jealousy had been caused by her own sense of insecurity,
which stemmed from her unhappy childhood and her habit of suppressing her own emotional needs in order to please
others for fear of losing their affection. Shortly after their marriage, she revealed, she had discovered that her husband was
having an affair; however she had never dealt with it for fear of losing her husband.
In this case, the wife's apparently delusional ideas were accepted as justified. She was then encouraged to "help" her
husband with his "problem." Her role was changed from that of a victim to that of a helper. As her self-esteem increased,
her jealousy decreased. Psychological insight followed symptom removal, without the use of interpretive therapy.

Discussion
Since no one approach can be applied to every situation involving jealousy, some guidelines for selecting a specific
method are needed. One issue that should be considered is whether to use a direct or an indirect approach. Direct
approaches are indicated when:
1. Both partners have the personality strength that enables them to be open and to deal with their painful emotions
directly.
2. Each partner has basic trust and commitment toward the other.
More indirect approaches are indicated when:
1. Direct approaches have been tried and have failed.
2. The conflicts are so intense and fixed that stronger measures are needed to bring about a radical change in the
couple's perception of the problem and in their habitual patterns of interaction.
The second issue to be considered is whether to work primarily with the jealous partner or with the nonjealous partner.
The selection of the partner, especially when using more indirect and paradoxical techniques, will depend upon the
following:
1. The availability of the person for therapy.

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2. Which partner is suffering more. The suffering person will be more eager to follow directives.
3. Which partner is more committed to the relationship.
4. The degree of each person's therapeutic alliance.
5. The capability of the person to carry out directives.
The eleven therapeutic approaches described above are focused only on the problem of jealousy. Real-life situations are
obviously more complicated, and jealousy may be only one facet of the couple's difficulties. In certain cases, the treatment
of jealousy alone may suffice to restore a satisfying relationship between the couple. In other instances, the jealousy issue
may serve as the point of entry into a larger system, allowing more encompassing issues to be addressed.

REFERENCES
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Ther., 11, 51-58.
4. Constantine, L. L., "Jealousy from Theory to Intervention," in D. Olsen (ed.), Treating Relationships, Lake Mills,
Iowa, Graphic, 1976.
5. Ellis, A., Reason and Emotion in Psychotherapy, New York, Lyle Stuart, 1962.
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Norton, 1973.
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Manuscript received June 14, 1982; Revisions submitted November 8, 1982; Accepted November 8, 1982.