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The American Psychological Association developed this document with consultation from the Partners in Program PIPPAH is supported by the Office of Adolescent Health of the Maternal and Child Health Bureau, Health Resources
Planning in Adolescent Health (PIPPAH), whose members include: American Bar Associations Center on Children and and Services Administration, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. The views expressed herein have not
the Law, and Commission on Domestic Violence, American Dietetic Association, American Medical Association, and been approved by the governing or policy setting bodies of any of the PIPPAH organizations, and accordingly, should
National Association of Social Workers. not be construed as representing the policy of any of these organizations.
The printing and distribution of this publication is supported in part by Cooperative Agreement No. 5 MCU-
11A302-02 from the Maternal and Child Health Bureau.
Sound familiar? Jennie and Tyrone lunch in the cafeteria with her
friends. They start teasing each other, but then
Christine and Allison are in an intense argument.
Christine gets madder and madder, until she final-
the playing turns to insults. Tyrone sees that Jen- ly grabs Allison, shakes her, and shoves her against
Kevin is walking in the school hallway with his nie is upset but doesnt stop. When Jennie gets up the wall. Later, Christine apologizes, saying, Im
friends and sees his girlfriend at her locker with and says, Get away from me, I hate you, Tyrone not proud I lost my temper, but you really pushed
her friends. When he goes up to her, she gives says, Shut up and slaps her across the face. my buttons. You should know better than to get
him a cold look and says loudly, I dont know why up in my face like that, because you know I get
I even bother with you, loser! I guess I just keep That slap is violence, and it is a big deal. too angry to control myself.
you around because I feel sorry for you. Kevin
feels frustrated because he doesnt know what he That kind of behaviorthe shoving and then
did and embarrassed because his friends saw his blaming someone else for the behavioris
girlfriend putting him down. violence, and it is a big deal.
Between 10 and 25% of girls between Girls are not the only ones who are Violence happens in same-sex relation- Often a relationship doesnt start out
the ages of 15 and 24 will be the victims abused physically or emotionally in re- ships, too. When it does, gay and lesbi- violent, but the violence starts after the
of rape or attempted rape. In more than lationships. Boys also experience abuse, an teenagers often dont know where to two people have known each other for
half of those cases, the attacker is some- especially psychological abuse. Boys turn for help. If they are not comfortable a while. The one big exception is forced
one the girl goes out with. rarely are hurt physically in relation- telling people theyre gay, that makes sex (sometimes called date rape or ac-
ships, but when it happens, its often their situation even harder. In some quaintance rape). Forced sex can some-
severe. Boys also can be pressured or cases their partner may threaten to times happen the first or second time
forced into unwanted sex, by girls or by out them even though he/she knows it two people go out, especially when one
other boys. could be dangerous! person has very little dating experience
and is afraid to say no.
If you think something is wrong, it probably is. You may feel anx-
ious, have trouble sleeping or experience a change in appetite
or weight. Your body may be telling you that something is not
rightpay attention to these signs.
Verbal Abuse Behavior that causes harm with words Name calling, Insults, Public humiliation, Yelling Teasing that includes insults
Psychological and Behavior intending to cause psychological or Threats; Intimidation; Put downs; Telling a per- Pouting when you spend time with your
Emotional Abuse emotional distress sons secrets; Jealousy; Possessiveness; Isolat- friends, Threatening to leave you in an unsafe
ing a person from friends, family; Destroying location, Trying to control what you do
gifts, clothing, letters; Damaging a car, home,
or other prized possessions
Physical Abuse Behaviors that inflict harm on a person Slapping, Hitting, Shoving, Grabbing, Hair pull- Going into a rage when disappointed or frus-
ing, Biting, Throwing objects at a person trated; Teasing, tripping, or pushing; Threaten-
ing to injure
Sexual Violence: From Sexual advances that make a person feel un- Insisting, physically or verbally, that a person Using emotional blackmail to talk you into
Coercion to Date Rape comfortable; sexual behavior that is unwanted who said no have sex anyway; Forced sex having sex (If you loved me, you would)
Abuse of Male Privi- Behavior that assumes that boys have more The guy makes all decisions for the couple, Expecting you to be available to him at all
lege: Its a Guy power than girls and that boys have special The guy expects his girlfriend to wait on and times or he is available to you when he feels
Thing privileges in relationships with girls pamper him, The guy treats his girlfriend as if like it; Acting macho with friends: This is
she is property he owns my woman!
Boys often have the idea that its a guy Girls often accept the idea that its a
thing to act tough and treat girls like guy thing to push girls around, and
property, like they own them. Guys often so they should learn to go along with it.
try to get their friends approval by act- Girls also may believe its a girl thing
ing like they dont care about anything to try to figure out and do whatever will
or anyone. Even a guy who likes a par- keep their boyfriends happy. So, they
ticular girl might show off for his friends may feel that they have to do only what
by treating her badly or acting like shes the guy wants, or they may put up with
been put on earth just to have sex with the guy ignoring them, treating them
him. badly around others, being really posses-
sive, or being violent or abusive.
Both girls and boys often have the idea that boys Remember: Theres no guy thing or girl thing when Violence and abuse are always the wrong thing.
cant control themselves when it comes to sex. They it comes to violence and abuse in relationships. Theres
may believe that if a man forces a woman to have sex just the right thing and the wrong thing.
against her will, she was probably leading him on in
some way.
Some people just dont like to be alone. They may feel that any relationship Then take some action!
is better than no relationship.
Many teenagers dont want to ask their parents for help. A girl whose boy-
friend has slapped her might be afraid her parents wont let her go out with
him or with anyone if they find out. A boys parents might not approve of his
girlfriends influence and take away his car keys. The parents of a lesbian, gay,
or bisexual teen might see one violent relationship as proof that all same-sex
relationships are unhealthy.
If youre worried, say something. If youre con- Listen, support, believe. If a friend asks for your Call in reinforcements. Your friend might tell you
cerned about your friends safety, mention it. Peo- help, take it seriously. Believe what your friend about a violent relationship only if you promise
ple who are being hurt in a relationship often feel tells you, not the gossip you might hear in the to keep it a secret. Violence and abuse are not
they cant talk to anyone. They may be ashamed. hallway. Your friend is trusting you with very per- problems to be kept secret. Whether your friend
They may think the abuse is their fault. They may sonal and painful informationbe a true friend is ready to get help or not, find an adult you can
think they deserve it. Let your friend know that and dont spread gossip. Give support by making talk to. Take your friend along if you can. You
youre there, youre willing to listen, and youre it clear your friend doesnt deserve to be abused in can tell the adult that you dont want to break a
not going to judge. If your friend isnt ready to any way. Recognize that, as abusive as the person promise to keep a secret, but dont carry this bur-
admit there is a problem, dont give up. By being your friend is dating might be, your friend might den all by yourself.
supportive and letting your friend know someone find it difficult to leave the relationship, partic-
is willing to listen, youre making it easier to start ularly if your friend believes it will make the vio-
dealing with the problem. lence worse.