Manuel

Lujan

College Writing R1A, Section 002

Oct. 6, 2017

Paper 2

The Real Paper 2

After evaluating the essay and assessing areas of that need improvement and areas that

have been well written, I would assign my essay on the documentary, Generation Like, a B- to

a B grade range. While I do acknowledge that I may not have sufficiently addressed the second

part of the prompt, I believe that the majority of the essay may be considered fairly strong or

very competent in its entirety. I feel that my elaboration on the significance of evidence I gave

was thorough and did well in delivering the relevance of my examples. The organization and

development of my essay is not exceptional, but it is sufficient to get my argument across

without creating more confusion than clarity. My critical engagement I feel is strong because I

feel as if I bring in my own concern in addition to Rushkoffs and relate it well to the overall

essay.

As I already previously noted, I believe that I addressed the first half of the prompt well

enough but lacked in addressing the second half of the prompt thoroughly. In the first

paragraph, I explicitly state that the exploitation of teenagers by companies is one of the

primary concerns for Rushkoff which does address the first part of the prompt. To support my
argument about this being the main concern for Rushkoff, I go on in the second paragraph to

note that Rushkoff is concerned about how teenagers are free labor to companies and that

they are being take advantage of because companies can offer them a higher status in

society. I use Ceili Lynch to be an example of the free labor that companies are receiving from

users like Ceili because of the title of being one of the top Hunger Games fans that the company

website awards to her. However, I feel in addressing the second component of the prompt, I

did not thoroughly express my opinion in such a way that made it seem to be from me the

writer. I do explicitly say in the third paragraph I think Rushkoffs concerns are valid and

should be taken seriously but I feel that I do not go on to elaborate on why his concerns are

valid well enough. Although, at the same time, I do not think I left the second part of the

prompt completely blank. I do go on to use Steven Fernandez as an example to show how

targeting teenagers can be harmful, but I believe my response blends in with the voice of

Rushkoff and I do not clearly distinguish my own words from his. However, because of this, I

feel that this is where my essay is hurts the most by not fully addressing the purpose of the

essay. (C+/B-)

The organization and development of my essay is not unique by any means, but I feel for

a topic like this, it is appropriate enough to aid my argument. I first introduce my thesis in the

first paragraph. Then in the same paragraph, I give a small hint as to why my argument should

be considered, These concerns have tremendous implications especially for the parents of

these teenagers. I do this to create more relevance to readers. I believe that if I added a small

transition between the first and second paragraphs it would be better, but I dont think the

result would be tremendous. I then proceed to the second paragraph where I discuss the
concerns of Rushkoff and then at the very end I believe I make a good transition between the

second and third paragraphs. I ask the question, why is this concerning?, referring to the

exploitation of teenagers. I feel that this question made my essay flow because I go on to

elaborate on this rhetorical question in the third paragraph where I explain that this targeting

of teenagers does not only affect teenagers but other people, thereby increasing relevance to

readers. After doing this, I end with my conclusion which I recognize did not do well enough in

extending my argument. A simplistic arrangement and development of my essay but I think

appropriate for the time given. I believe throughout the essay I give an appropriate amount of

summary that is not overwhelming to the point where it seems I am only using Rushkoffs

words.(A)

In regards to word choice, I did see a couple of places where I could have used stronger

diction to make the feeling more intense. For example, in the third paragraph, Parents can

receive the tail end of this method, I believe could have improved this sentence by changing it

to Parents are put at risk for public criticism because of this method of exploitation that

companies employ. However, I think overall my word choice is not awkward and is

appropriate.(B)

I believe the grammar aspect does not require much attention, but my sentence length

could use more work. I noticed that some of my sentences could be considered run on

sentences and they could be consolidated. Similarly, in Rushkoffs interview with Hunger

Games fan, Ceili Lynch, Rushkoff discovers that Lynch spends a large amount of time on The

Hunger Games website sharing content related to The Hunger Games on Twitter and in return,

Lynch receives sparks, an online feature that Lynch has accumulated and is now considered a
top fan according to the official website. This sentence could be split into two sentences to

create more flow. Similarly, in Rushkoffs interview with Ceili Lynch, a Hunger Games fan,

Rushkoff discovers that Lynch spends a large amount of time on The Hunger Games website

sharing content related to The Hunger Games on Twitter. In doing this, Lynch receives sparks,

an online reward that Lynch has accumulated that considers her a top fan according to the

official website. Also, my sentences do not vary in length very much. Nor are they structured in

such a sophisticated way that would add more meaning to my essay or create more coherence.

(C+/B-)

With everything factored in I think my essay is in the B- to B range with the failure to

successfully acknowledge the second half of the prompt affecting the grade most negatively.

However, taking into account the amount of time given I would say that this essay is very

competent in delivering its argument with well explained pieces of evidence.