Smarthinking Tutor Response Form

Your tutor has written overview comments about your essay in the form below. Your tutor has also
embedded comments [in bold and in brackets] within your essay. Thank you for choosing
Smarthinking to help you improve your writing!

Hello, Starkeia! My name is Angela B. I look forward to working with you on this Essay Center
Review to improve your writing today. Let's get started!

*Writing Strength:
Your topic sentences are clear about what the paragraphs will be about:

In my opinion, success depends on a persons willpower and motivation to succeed in their

position.

This allows your readers to understand which specific quality will be discussed in the upcoming
paragraph. Good job, Starkeia!

* 9796184 has requested that you respond to the Main Idea/Thesis:

Ive noticed that your thesis statement does not precisely preview your essay about the skills
needed to succeed in a job today:
There are many factors that determine ones success in the workforce industry.
In your essay, you talk about specific factors that lead to success. However, you do not mention
these specific topics in your thesis statement. This might leave your readers unprepared for the
rest of your essay; they might not know what to expect from it.
Consider being more specific in your thesis statement. In it, you might want to identify the specific
topics that you cover in your essay. It might help to go over your essay again to take note of
those topics. Afterwards, you might want to integrate these into your thesis statement. Take a
look at this sample thesis statement for a similar essay:
The failure of the project was mostly caused by inadequate planning, negligence on the
part of the engineers, and the sudden storm that hit the venue.
This sample thesis statement identifies three specific causes for the failure of a project. Consider
using it as a model for when you revise your own. If you need more help, you might also want to
read the chapter on Developing a Thesis from the Smarthinking Writer's Handbook.
* 9796184 has requested that you respond to the Introduction/Conclusion:
Your conclusion attempts to introduce a new idea regarding attitude. This is a problem because your
readers are waiting for something that gives closure to your essay and something that makes it come
into full circle, but the last paragraph introduces a new idea instead. Check this out:

Attitude pays a huge role in determining success.

This statement is a new idea whose discussion might be suited for a body paragraph. Perhaps, it
would be best to make a new body paragraph that discusses the importance of having a good attitude.
Remember, conclusions are supposed to achieve three things:

o Reiterates the thesis

o Sums up the major points
o Ends on a strong note

Conclusions answer questions such as How do I end my essay so that it comes into full circle?, How
does my main idea apply to the future?, What statements can I make in order to reinforce my main
idea and my supporting points without suddenly introducing new ideas?. You may use these
questions to aid you in the revision process. You may also refer to the lesson on Strong Conclusions in
your Writers Handbook.
Use of Resources
Some of your claims lack sources to validate them, Starkeia. Substantiating your claims with facts is
necessary in order to prove your point. Your readers will be convinced more easily if you provide them
with facts from reliable sources. Also, this is a good way to avoid accusations of plagiarism.

However, the one person who keeps a positive attitude and takes the time to learn something
new will become successful.

Where is this information from? Tell your readers more about where your information is from. Make
sure to cite your sources. There are many ways to credit authors and to cite sources properly. Please
consult your instructor about his or her preferred citation style. You may read more about this in the
Documentation portion of your Writers Handbook. Please check your draft for similar errors.

Summary of Next Steps:

Create a concise thesis statement.
Avoid introducing new ideas in the conclusion.

Validate your claims with facts from reliable sources.

Thank you for submitting your essay for a review. I enjoyed helping you with this step in the revision
process. Have a good day, Starkeia! Angela B.

You can find more information about writing, grammar, and usage in the Smarthinking Writer's
Handbook.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Please look for comments [in bold and in brackets] in your essay below.
Thank you for submitting your work to Smarthinking! We hope to see you again soon.

Starkeia Hilton

May 31, 2017

MBA 6004

The workforce industry is comprised of many different career paths. Someone seeking

employment can look for various positions from the public sector to the private sector of the

workforce. There are many factors that determine ones success in the workforce industry.

In my opinion, success depends on a persons willpower and motivation to succeed in their

position. Willpower is defined as strong determination. [Where is this definition from?

Consider citing your sources in order to add credibility to your paper.] Motivations root word
is motive which means a need or desire to cause a person to act. Almost all persons who enters

a new position wishes to move up in the company they work for. This is where willpower and

motivation comes in. The person will continue to do their job diligently and expect good results

in hopes of their superiors noticing their good work ethic. In addition, social skills are a very

important part of any job. [How is this related to the earlier discussion on personal qualities?

This seems to start a new topic regarding social skills and their importance. Remember, new

topics should be broken off into separate paragraphs.] The ability to be able to have good

communication skills within the levels of the organization and with outside entities can be show

how diverse someone is.

Another good characteristic for success is the ability to adapt to change. When corporate rolls in

a new rule or changes how a process is completed can be very frustrating. However, the one

person who keeps a positive attitude and takes the time to learn something new will become

successful.

In conclusion, success in the workforce depends on each individual person. Once a person

finished their first day of work it can already be determined whether they will have the

willpower and determination to be successful in their position. [This sentence contains an

introductory element that isnt separated from the main sentence. Use commas to separate

them from each other. (e.g. After the meeting, she rushed back to her cubicle.)] Attitude pays a

huge role in determining success. If a person can deal with pressure and learn how to adapt

they can most definitely become very successful.