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Running can mean literally sprinting away from an attacker; it can also mean walking away, jumping out of a
moving car, climbing out of a window, hiding under a piece of furniture, or leaving an abusive relationship.
Running is anything that moves us from a dangerous place to a safer place. If you decide to physically run
away, there are two things to consider:
(1) Can I outrun this person? (How far can I run before I am exhausted? What is my physical conditioning
relative to this person?)
(2) Is there somewhere to run to? (How far away is help? How accessible is help? Will the attacker be able to
find me?)
Verbal defense is virtually always a component of an escape. Nothing can communicate anger, strength, and
the need for assistance like the human voice can. Yelling at an assailant can startle him, potentially loosening a
hold. Yelling causes our adrenaline to rush, giving us energy and helping us think clearly. If anyone is in
earshot, yelling can call attention to our situation. A targeted person angrily yelling NO! or BACK OFF! or
LEAVE ME ALONE! is not consistent with the fantasy that most attackers have likely had of a fearful and
compliant victim.
Talking is another form of verbal defense. It could cause an attacker to reconsider, and has the potential to buy
us some time to try more strategies. Talking can include lying (My mom is going to be home in five
minutes.); naming the behavior (You keep trying to kiss me when I have already told you no. You are
ignoring my feelings.); negotiating (Ill be quiet if youll put on a condom.); or de-escalating (You seem
very angry, and I can really understand why. Id be angry too.)
Verbal defense is most likely to help if it is done assertively rather than aggressively. Assertiveness focuses on
the persons behavior, using clear, non-blaming statements. (I dont like the way you are touching me. I want
you to take your hands off me now.) In contrast, aggressiveness focuses on the person, using insults,
putdowns, and cussing. (You are such a #@*%# loser! You make me sick!) Attackers may not respond to
our assertiveness with an apology, but they are much more likely to retaliate for our verbal aggressiveness.
Waiting means making an active choice to do nothing right now, but it is not the same thing as consenting to
the attack. Waiting gives us an opportunity to choose the safest time to escape or try other options. It might
mean waiting partway through an attack until we are able to use some other options, or waiting out the entire
attack and getting help afterwards. Waiting gives us time to observe identifying features if the attacker is a
stranger, or to leave behind or take something that would prove we were at the location of the assault, or to just
breathe and think about what to do next. It is a strategy commonly used by women who are abused by their
partners. Any option that enables us to get through a situation alive or with less physical or emotional damage
is a skill worth having in our toolboxes.
Unexpected Behavior can distract an attacker and may buy us some time to try other options. It is a large
category that includes anything that confuses the attacker and/or makes them want to get away because they
dont know what to expect from us. Some examples that might work: yelling when we are expected to be quiet;
de-escalating when we are expected to struggle; pretending to know an unknown attacker; and pretending that
someone is nearby who might help us. To be most effective, unexpected behavior needs to be truly surprising
Weapons can be conventional weapons (guns, knives, pepper spray, etc.) or weapons of opportunity (hot
coffee, keys, pens, umbrellas, heavy books, aerosol sprays of all kinds, a handful of sand or dirt, etc.) Weapons
of opportunity are usually more available than conventional weapons. Weapons have the potential to
incapacitate an assailant, but must be available and ready to use. They can be taken away and used against us,
or they may not work as expected. For example, pepper spray doesnt always work on someone who is
intoxicated. To be effective with a weapon, especially conventional weapons, it is very important to get training
and practice with that weapon, and to be committed to hurting an attacker badly, to the ultimate potential of that
weapon. We may feel OK about using a weapon on some people (e.g. stranger) but not OK with using it on
others (e.g. partner, child). Or, we may not feel comfortable using any weapon at all. Think about what you are
and are not willing to do ahead of an emergency.
Fighting is the option about which there are the most misconceptions. It is untrue that women who fight a
potential rapist are more likely to be killed. And it is untrue that women must be black belts in a martial art to
fight effectively. If we choose to fight, we must be completely committed to incapacitating the attacker.
Sudden, well-placed strikes to vulnerable body parts are our greatest tools to create an escape with fighting.
Research indicates that immediate active resistance in the face of a threat increases our chances of getting away,
and with less damage. The downsides of fighting are that it is likely that we will be hit back, and we can only
use fighting for very escalated situations. Something like verbal defense can be used at any stage of an attack,
at any level of danger, but fighting is only appropriate for highly-dangerous emergency situations. Just as with
weapons, some people are not comfortable with the idea of hurting another person and dont want to be in that
position. Also, fighting may not be the safest of our options against an attacker who is also our intimate partner.
You may have noticed that there is some overlap between these six options. For example, if an attacker
expected a woman to be quiet and she is yelling, that is both unexpected behavior and verbal defense. Also, if a
person knows how to fight, they have weapons with them all the time- their hands, feet, knees, elbows, etc.
Are any of these escape options already in your toolbox? Which ones? Are you good at them, or do you have
room for improvement? Would you like to add any of them to your toolbox, or take any of them out? Are there
any other tools you can think of that are not on this list that might work for you?
Other Options
Use Humor Carefully. It can de-escalate, but it can also escalate. Use humor that unites, not separates.
Define behavioral limits. If you are going to shout and use obscenities, we will have to talk about this
another time.
Depersonalize. Shift the focus of their anger from you onto the situation, the rule, the red tape, etc. (Not
onto someone else!). It can be shifted to us against the thing as opposed to them against us. I know
this is upsetting to you, but these are just the rules we have to operate by. I understand why they are
frustrating.
AVOID: escalating behaviors such as arguing, ignoring, making threats, hurtful remarks, arguing, commanding,
shouting, personal space invasions, obscenities, competition, self-righteous attitude, threatening gestures, belittling,
or excessive friendliness (it can be interpreted as manipulative).
The What-If:
Think of a situation that scares you. What is that situation specifically? Be very detailed in your description.
What is the attacker using against you? Isolation? Surprise? Intimidation? Silence?
Prevention:
What could you do to prevent the situation from happening in the first place? What are the benefits and risks of
those options? Are you willing to accept those risks? Are you willing to accept those restrictions on your life?
Survival:
What if, despite your best efforts at prevention, the situation happens anyway? What could you do to end the
attack or decrease the harm done? Could you use any of the escape options? Which ones? What are the
benefits and risks of those options? Are you willing to accept those risks?
Healing:
What could you do afterwards to take care of yourself and heal? Who can you talk to? Which friends, or
community resources? What actions can you take to help you feel safe and strong again?
Follow-through:
Are you satisfied with the options youve identified for yourself? Do you feel you have enough skills and
information about this subject? If not, where could you get the skills and information you need?