Literatura Norteamericana

Tao Lin Taipei, Taiwan1

Cuando termin la facultad, Neil volvi a casa para tomarse un tiempo para pensar. La mam de Neil
dijo: Neil, qu planes tens para el verano?. Abraz a Neil. Despus le hizo panqueques. A Neil le
pareci que se haba hecho una ciruga plstica en la cara.
Bien por ella, pens Neil. A pesar de que, en realidad, lo pona un poco triste.
Hablaron sobre ensear ingls en Taiwan. La gente joven se estaba yendo de Estados Unidos para
ensear ingls en Asia. Eso era lo que la gente joven estaba haciendo en ese momento. Haba algo en el aire.
Ense ingls en Taiwan dijo el aire.
Bueno dijo Neil. Es decir, tal vez.
Por las tardes a Neil se le pona la cabeza muy pesada y se tena que acostar. Se pasaba tardes enteras
mirando sus antiguos anuarios del colegio.
Una maana Neil apil todas sus cosas en el jardn delantero con la forma y el tamao de un granero
pequeo. La gente que pasaba paraba y compraba cosas. Hgame una oferta, deca. Vendido, deca. Le
gustaba decir eso.
Neil gast la plata de su feria americana en cafs caros.
Despus de tomar caf Neil se iba a su habitacin y escriba a mano. Despus de escribir un poema
se senta pretencioso y despus le daba mucho sueo. Dorma siestas largas, embriagadoras, y se despertaba
sintindose pesimista respecto a su futuro y desorientado, pero bien descansado y con hambre.
Empez a tener ideas. No para poemas o cuentos sino para planes de negocios y otras cosas.
Una idea era que si los extraterrestres visitaban la tierra deban aterrizar en la cima de las montaas.
De ese modo, al abandonar sus naves, la descompensacin horaria y el malestar espacial iban a ser aplacados
de inmediato por el verdor y la suavidad de la montaa.
Escrib lo que quieras leer, pens Neil.
Ensear ingls puede ser una buena experiencia para vosdijo la mam de Neil.
Neil se empez a sentir confundido y se compr un caniche.
Tena la idea de que si tenas un perro chiquito tena que vivir en un lugar cerrado. Si tu perro pesaba
menos de cuatro kilos y medio, entonces cuando llegaras a tu casa ya tena que estar adentro, correteando y
haciendo sonidos rasposos como los que hace un jerbo.
Neil pens: Se acab. Mi vida termin. Le gustaba provocar a su caniche. Empujarlo. Darle
rdenes. Acorralarlo y hacerle caras.
Intent usar sus ideas para escribir cuentos y poemas. Pero su cerebro le deca: Neil, qu ests
haciendo?. Una vez Neil estaba comiendo un durazno y su cerebro dijo:
Neil, qu ests haciendo?.
Sos el perro del milenio le dijo Neil a su perro. Despus lo seal. Despus le salt encima.
La mam de Neil arregl para que Neil fuera a vivir a Taiwan con su to Francis. Lo alent para que
saliera, para que empezara a ir al gimnasio y comiera ms. Le prepar licuados con miel y leche de soja.
No estoy seguro de querer ir a Taiwan dijo Neil. Cmo voy a hablar con la gente?
l fantaseaba con California, con manejar hasta ah y hacer algo. Dar vueltas, mirar cosas. Hara
cosas. Tena una imagen de s mismo y su caniche en Alaska, en una cabaa de troncos, luchando contra
hordas de osos con una cerbatana. Domesticando a los osos. Armando un circo de osos, o una pandilla de
osos esclavos.
Neil ya haba ido a Taiwan a visitar parientes. Hablaba un poquito de mandarn.

1
Traduccin de Martn Castagnet

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 Literatura Norteamericana

Mientras dorma la siesta, Neil apretaba la cara contra la almohada y deca: Aaaarrrghhhh.
Tena dificultades para ponerle un nombre a su perro. No quera que fuera irnico ni demasiado
ocurrente. Tampoco quera que el perro se llamara Woofers o Woofy. Pero no quera pensar demasiado
en cmo llamarlo al perro, no quera que el nombre adquiriera un tono maligno, desapegado, cosa que
probablemente ya tena.
Neil puso un aviso en el diario para vender el perro.
Tu avin sale el domingo dijo la mam de Neil. Te consegu ventanilla.
Le recomend a Neil que hiciera flexiones en la intimidad de su habitacin.
Te dej un licuado en la heladera dijo y sonri. Neil dijo:
Por qu me sacaste el pasaje? golpe la puerta de su habitacin. Le grit a la puerta cerrada.
Necesito tomar mis propias decisiones por una vez en la vida.
En su habitacin solo quedaba su cama, porque haba vendido todas sus posesiones, y se sent
encima. Le daba vergenza ser tan inmaduro. Pens que tena que escribir sobre eso, su vergenza.
Y lo intent.
Pero el tono evoc inmediatamente el de un video de msica de una banda de varones, uno de esos
que buscan ser tristes.
Entonces escribi un cuento sobre un buzn de correos que poda hablar. Poda volar, tambin. Un
da, lleno de cartas importantes, el buzn sala disparado como un cohete al espacio exterior. Ja, ja, deca.
Boludos!. Volaba por ah un rato hasta que se senta solo, y se estrellaba contra un edificio.
Un hombre llam para preguntar por el perro de Neil. Vino a verlo.
Primero debera ver cmo se lleva con mis otros perrosdijo. Neil se subi al auto del hombre y
fueron hasta su departamento.
El hombre tena tres perros, todos de distintos tamaos. Tambin tena hijos. Los hijos y los perros se
movan muy despacio cerca de las paredes. El departamento era oscuro y estaba lleno de humo y de una
habitacin contigua sala una luz roja.
Se llevan bien, brbaro dijo el hombre.
Uno de los hijos era una nenita. Estaba en una esquina, al lado de la luz roja. Tena un paquete de
gomitas y se las estaba comiendo despacio.
Vendido dijo Neil. La nena era gil, Neil se dio cuenta. Cuando lleg a casa, Neil se masturb con
una versin crecida de la nena de las gomitas.
Com esta ensalada dijo la mam de Neil. Haba preparado una ensalada para Neil. Tena grandes
trozos de pimientos verdes y panceta.
Puedo prepararme mi propia comida dijo Neil.
S que pods dijo la mam de Neil. Le toc el hombro y Neil se movi para sacarla.
De ahora en adelante, cuando quiera comer algo me lo voy a preparar yo dijo Neil.
Se fue a su habitacin. Se qued dormido y so que la luna estaba muy cerca de la tierra, y l se
deca a s mismo: La luna se ha ido poniendo ms grande a lo largo de los aos. La luna se acercaba un
poco ms, y despus otro poco, y entonces lo aplastaba.
Neil se despert y se volvi a dormir.
So que haba una chica que haca tanto contacto visual con l que Neil la amaba de inmediato.
Estaban en una librera. Despus estaban en una habitacin con mucha onda, un poco extraterrestre. Est
borracha?, pensaba Neil. Espero que no est borracha.
Cuando Neil se despert era casi de noche y estaba sudando. Se masturb pensando en la chica de su
sueo. Era la chica de las gomitas. Era la chica de las gomitas? Neil fue al bao y se lav las manos y la
cara. En el espejo su cara se vea fea. Sus huesos estaban hundidos y eran macizos. Somos tus huesos y no

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nos importa, decan los huesos de Neil. Neil se duch, despus se sec despacio. El resto del da se volvi
muy pequeo. Se meti en los huesos de Neil y se qued ah, y a Neil eso lo cans mucho.
Neil dijo la mam de Neil, compr pasta de dientes y shampoo para tu viaje. Tambin haba
jabn y maquinitas de afeitar descartables. Estaban sobre la mesada. Haba varias cosas, estaban encima de
una toalla azul bien doblada.
Por qu tens que hacer todo por m? dijo Neil. Se fue a su habitacin. Trat de golpear la puerta,
pero el aire estaba espeso. La puerta se mova con lentitud contra el aire y despus dejaba de moverse. Neil
empuj un poco y la cerr.
Despus se puso a pensar de una forma muy vaga. Sus pensamientos nadaban. Nadaban como
animales que tal vez no saban nadar. Canguros, vacas, armadillos. Luchaban un poco, se hundan y despus
flotaban hasta la superficie, abotagados y dados vuelta. Errffe eerfff ffff, decan los canguros debajo del
agua.
Cuando Neil sala de su habitacin su mam le dio folletos de karate dojo.
Neil sospechaba que la forma en que senta la cara deba ser la forma en que los zombis se sentan
acerca de sus propias caras. Alquil una pelcula de zombis. Los zombis de la pelcula tenan la piel irregular
y personalidades delictivas. Hacan ruidos como Rrraagghaaaggh y decan cosas como Quiero comerme
tu hgado.
Hollywood, pens Neil.
Tal vez hiciera su propia pelcula de zombis.
Los zombis de Neil llevaran vidas tranquilas y solitarias. Tendran ttulos universitarios. Se
cepillaran los dientes dos veces al da con pasta de dientes blanqueadora y comeran ensaladas con pimienta
roja. Seran considerados con los dems. Sera una pelcula muda.
Neil dijo la mam de Neil.
Escribi un cuento sobre un hombre al que le pasaban cosas muy buenas. El hombre era increble.
Era el hombre ms feliz de la historia, y el mejor. El hombre era feliz. El hombre viva para siempre y se iba
poniendo ms y ms contento.
Neil se sent en el asiento de atrs para ir al aeropuerto. Estaba enojado. Su mam le haba agregado
cosas en la valija despus de que l haba terminado de empacar.
No vuelvas a hacer nada por m dijo Neil. Si volvs a hacer una sola cosa ms por m, no te hablo
nunca ms.
Su mam estaba callada en el asiento de adelante. Neil dijo:
Si no me malcriaras tanto tal vez sera capaz de hacer cosas por m mismo.
Dijo:
Termin una carrera universitaria y mirame. Todava estoy gritndote a vos por toda esta estpida
basura. No te parece raro? No te gustara que fuera ms maduro?
Dijo:
Cmo puedo vivir y madurar si hacs todo por m? Dijo:
No quiero que me llames cuando est en Taiwan.
La mam de Neil se dio vuelta y mir a Neil y dijo:
Te quiero.
Neil golpe la puerta del auto y se baj en el aeropuerto sin la mochila. Senta que estaba pegajoso y
acalorado en el pecho y la cabeza. El aeropuerto estaba lleno de gente. Cada hombre, mujer o nio en este
aeropuerto anda dando vueltas de una forma depravada, pens Neil.
Su to Francis fue a buscar a Neil al aeropuerto.
Neil dijo el to Francis. Su ingls era limitado y vulgar, as que no dijo ms nada.

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Hola dijo Neil.

El to Francis tena una hija, Lisa, que tena la edad de Neil. Lisa haba aprendido ingls en el
colegio.
Hola, Neil dijo Lisa. Qu tal el viaje en avin?
Bien dijo Neil.
Es un viaje largo dijo Lisa. Espero que hayas estado cmodo.
Despus hubo silencio. Cuando Neil volvi a hablar, Lisa tambin habl en el mismo momento. Los
dos se detuvieron. Despus los dos volvieron a hablar en el mismo momento. La cara de Neil se puso roja.
Mir directo al piso. Desde ese momento se qued en su habitacin. El to Francis haba comprado sbanas y
almohadas nuevas para la habitacin de Neil. La mam de Neil no llam.
El to Francis desliz folletos sobre ensear ingls por debajo de la puerta de Neil. Los folletos
estaban en chino.
Neil saba que no iba a ensear ingls. No saba interactuar con otras personas Cmo se supona que
les diera clase?
Neil dormira. Dormira y destruira todos sus deseos y estara satisfecho con su vida, en su
habitacin. O se abandonara y sentira pena.
Se abandonara y sentira pena.
Dese que su mam se hubiera quedado en Taiwan. Que lo hubiera criado ah, como a un nativo.
Dese que su mam hubiera muerto joven, dejndolo hacer cosas por s mismo. Neil dese que su bondad,
tolerancia, habilidades sociales, confianza en s mismo y belleza aumentaran en un diez por ciento, y despus
se sinti un diez por ciento engaado por la vida.
Lleg un paquete de parte de la mam de Neil. Adentro estaba la mochila de Neil y otra bolsa con
cepillos de dientes, shampoo e hilo dental. En su mente, Neil se dijo:
Lo saba. Saba que iba a hacer esto.
El cerebro de Neil dijo: Ahora te vas a enojar no es cierto, Neil, pedazo de mierda?.
Mir la CNN china en la tele de su habitacin. Mir novelas taiwanesas. Se acost en la alfombra y
se qued mirando el techo. Trat de ver, a travs del techo, el piso de arriba. Visin rayos X. Tal vez Neil era
un sper hroe y no lo saba. Cerr la puerta con llave. Hizo medialunas y dio vueltas carnero. Apag la luz,
se qued parado en un rincn y se ri. Tuvo miedo.
No habra epifana, nunca, supo, nada. Habra una serie sin fin de momentos vergonzosos. Eso
habra.
Se masturb repetidas veces pensando en la nena de las gomitas. Se masturb con calma, con una
expresin neutral en la cara.
Cuando el to Francis o Lisa le golpeaban la puerta se haca el dormido o se meta rpido en el bao
y abra la ducha.
Pero la mayor parte del tiempo, Neil simplemente dorma. El trnsito de la calle a veces lo
despertaba. El trnsito taiwans. El departamento estaba en Taipei, la ciudad capital.
Estoy en la capital del universo, pens Neil.
Despus apret la cara contra su almohada y dijo: Arrrrrngggg.
La mam de Neil llam.
Neil, cmo ests? dijo la mam de Neil.
Hablaba con suavidad. Tartamude un poquito entre Neil y cmo.
Ya te explic el to Francis cmo empezar? dijo la mam de Neil.
Neil intent sentirse feliz y no estar para nada enojado. No dijo nada, por el momento.
Cmo ests? Neil? dijo la mam de Neil. Te extrao.

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Por qu me mandaste la mochila? dijo Neil. Por qu me mandaste shampoo e hilo dental?
Crees que me habra muerto por salir a comprar shampoo e hilo dental?
Dijo:
Por qu hiciste eso?
Dijo:
Nunca me puedo escapar de vos. No tens idea lo que se siente. No puedo ni cometer mis propios
errores. No puedo aprender. Hacs todo por m.
Dijo:
No puedo vivir. No puedo estar vivo.
Neil se dijo a s mismo:
Te pusiste empalagoso, hijo de puta. De qu mierda habls? Sos un tremendo pedazo de mierda.
La mam de Neil dijo:
Ahora sos un adulto y necesits hacer cosas por vos mismo. Ya lo s.
Neil dijo:
Siempre decs lo mismo pero nunca cambis. Dijo:
No te dije que no te iba a hablar nunca ms si volvas a hacer algo por m?
Algo descompuesto y gris se golpeaba adentro de la cabeza de Neil, como si fuera una paloma.
Mierda, se dijo Neil a s mismo.
Se arrepinti de todo lo que haba pasado y de todo lo que pasara. Vio a su madre al otro lado del
telfono con cara de preocupada y despus cort el telfono.
Escribira sobre esto. Sera miserable. Haba una ventada y Neil pens en tirar el telfono, en el
vidrio rompindose. Pens en tirarse l mismo.
Ridculo, pens.
Puso de vuelta el auricular sobre la base, que estaba arriba de la cama. Trat de no ser
melodramtico al respecto, pero lo deliberado de su proceder lo volva enormemente melodramtico.
Se sent sobre la cama. Saba que pasara un largo tiempo antes de que volviera a hablar con su
madre. Pens que desde ese momento sera una persona ms agradable. Hablara con el to Francis y con
Lisa y se esforzara lo ms que pudiera por ser una persona normal y amistosa.
S, eso, pens. Se par y camin un poco por la habitacin con los brazos rgidos delante. Fue
hasta el bao y se mir al espejo.
Sangre de hgado dijo. Rraarrgh, raagghh.

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Tao Lin Taipei, Taiwan

After college Neil moved home to allow time for thinking. Neils mom said, Neil, what are
you going to do this summer? She hugged Neil. Then she made pancakes. Neil suspected that she
had had plastic surgery done on her face.
Good for her, thought Neil. Though, really, it made him a little sad.
There was talk of teaching English in Taiwan. Young people were leaving America to teach
English in Asia. This is what the young people were doing these days. There was something in the
air.
Teach English in Taiwan, said the air.
Okay, said Neil. I mean, maybe.
In the afternoons Neils head would become very heavy and he would have to lie down. He
spent entire afternoons looking through his old yearbooks.
One morning Neil piled all his possessions in the front yard in the shape and size of a small
barn. People drove by and bought things. Make me an offer, said Neil. Sold, said Neil. He liked
saying that.
Neil spent his yard-sale money on expensive coffees.
After coffee Neil would go in his room and write longhand. After writing a poem he would
feel pretentious and then become very sleepy. He took long, heady naps and woke up pessimistic
about his future and disorientated but well rested and hungry.
He began to get ideas. Not for stories or poems but for business plans and other things.
One idea was that if extraterrestrials visited Earth they should land on the tops of hills. That
way, upon leaving their UFOs, their jetlag and space malaise would be immediately mollified by
the greenery and smoothness of the hill.
Write what you want to read, thought Neil.
Teaching English will be a good experience for you, said Neils mom.
Neil became confused and bought a toy poodle.
He had the idea that if your dog were small it should live inside the walls. If your dog
weighed less than 10 pounds, then when you came home it should already be inside the walls,
scurrying and making scratchy gerbil-noises.
Neil thought, Its over. My life is over. He liked to provoke his toy poodle. Push it around.
Corner it and make faces at it.
He tried to use his ideas for stories and poems. But his brain would say, Neil, what are you
doing? One time Neil was eating a peach and his brain said, Neil, what are you doing?
You are the dog of the millennium, Neil said to his dog. Then he pointed at it. Then he
jumped over it.
Neils mom arranged for Neil to live with his uncle Francis in Taiwan. She encouraged Neil
to go outside, to join a gym, and to eat more. She made Neil smoothies with honey and soymilk.
Im not sure if I want to go to Taiwan, said Neil. How will I talk to people?
He had thoughts of California, of driving there, and doing something. Driving around,
looking at stuff. Hed do things. He had an image of himself and his toy poodle in Alaska, in a log
cabin, fighting back hordes of bears with a peashooter. Taming the bears. Setting up a bear circus,
or a bear slavery gang.
Neil had been to Taiwan before to visit relatives. He spoke very little Mandarin.

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Between naps Neil snuffed his face into his pillow and said, Aaaarrrghhhh.
He had difficulties in naming his dog. He didnt want to be ironic or witty. He also didnt
want the dog to be named something like Woofers or Woofy. But he didnt want to be overly
calculated in naming his dog either, didnt want it to take on an evil, cold-hearted tone, which it
maybe already had.
Neil put an ad in the paper to sell the dog.
Your plane leaves Friday, said Neils mom. I got you a window seat. She recommended
that Neil do push-ups in the privacy of his room. Theres a smoothie in the refrigerator, she said
and smiled.
Neil said, Why did you buy me a ticket? He slammed the door to his room. He yelled at
the closed door, I need to make my own choices for once. His room had only his bed left, because
he had sold all his possessions, and he sat on it. He was embarrassed about how immature he was.
He thought that he should write about this, his embarrassment.
And he tried.
But the tone was immediately evocative of a boy band music video, one of the ones meant to
be sad.
So he wrote a story about a mailbox that could walk. It could fly, actually. One day, full of
important mail, it rocketed out of the ground into outer space. Ha, ha, it said. Suckers! It flew
around a while, became lonely, and smashed itself into a building.
A man called about Neils dog. He came over. I should first see how it gets along with my
other dogs, he said. Neil got in the mans car and they drove to the mans apartment.
The man had three other dogs, all different sizes. He also had children. The children and the
dogs moved very slowly near the walls. The apartment was dark and smoky and a purple light came
from another room. They get along great, wonderful, said the man.
One of the children was a tiny girl. She was in the corner, by the purple light. She had
Starbursts and was slowly eating them. Sold, said Neil. The girl was lithe, Neil noticed.
At home Neil masturbated to an older version of the Starbursts girl.
Eat this salad, said Neils mom. She had prepared a salad for Neil. It had big pieces of
green peppers and bacon in it.
I can make my own food, said Neil.
I know you can, said Neils mom. She touched Neils shoulder and Neil twisted away.
If I want to eat something Ill make it myself from now on, said Neil.
He went into his room. He fell asleep and had a dream that the moon came very close to the
Earth, and he said to himself, The moon has gotten bigger over the years. The moon came a little
closer, and then a little closer, and then Neil was smooshed.
Neil woke up and went back to sleep.
He had a dream where a girl gave him so much eye contact that he loved her immediately.
They were in a bookstore. Then they were in a cool, UFO-ish room. The girl kissed Neil from
above. Her mouth was small and stormy. Is she drunk? thought Neil. I hope she isnt drunk.
When Neil woke it was almost dark out and he was sweating. He masturbated to the girl in
his dream. It was the Starbursts girl. Was it the Starbursts girl? Neil went to the bathroom and
washed his hands and face. In the mirror his face looked ugly. His bones were receded and doughy.
We are your bones and we dont care, said Neils bones. Neil showered, then slowly dried

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himself. The rest of the day became very small. It went into Neils bones and lay there, and made
Neil very tired.
Neil, said Neils mom. I bought toothpaste and shampoo for your trip. There were also
soap and disposable razors. They were on the kitchen counter. An array of things, on top of a neatly
folded blue towel.
Why do you have to do everything for me? said Neil. He went back into his room. He
tried to slam the door, but the air was thick. The door moved slowly against the air and then stopped
moving. Neil pushed it a little and it closed.
He became very vague in his thinking. His thoughts swam. They swam like animals that
maybe could not swim. Kangaroos, cattle, armadillos. They struggled a little, sank, and then floated
to the surface, bloated and upside-down. Errffe eerfff ffff, said the kangaroos while underwater.
When Neil left his room his mom would give him karate dojo brochures.
Neil suspected that how his face felt to him was how a zombies face felt to a zombie. He
rented a zombie movie. In it the zombies had patchy skin and delinquent personality types. They
made noises like, Rrraagghraaaggh, and said things like, I want to eat your liver.
Hollywood, thought Neil.
Maybe he would make his own zombie movie.
Neils zombies would live quiet, solitary lives. They would have college degrees. They
would brush their teeth twice a day with whitening toothpaste, and eat red pepper salads. They
would be considerate of others. It would be a silent film. Neil, said Neils mom.
He wrote a story about a man who had very good things happen to him. The man was great.
He was the happiest man ever, the best! Each day more good things happened to him, and it was
great, and the best. The man was happy. The man lived forever and kept getting happier.
On the drive to the airport Neil sat in the backseat. He was angry. His mom had put some
more items into his bag after he had already packed. Dont do anything for me again, said Neil.
If you do one more thing for me Im never talking to you again.
His mom was quiet in the front seat.
Neil said, If you didnt spoil me so badly I might be able to do things myself. He said, I
graduated college and look at me. Im still yelling at you about this stupid crap. Isnt this strange to
you? Dont you wish I were more mature? He said, How can I live and grow up if you do
everything for me? He said, I dont want you to call me in Taiwan.
Neils mom turned and looked at Neil and said, I love you.
Neil slammed the car door and went in the airport without his bag. He felt sticky and hot in
his head and chest. The airport was very crowded. Every man, woman, or child in this airport is
wandering around in a depraved way, Neil thought.
Uncle Francis met Neil at the airport in Taiwan. Neil, said Uncle Francis. His English was
limited and unrefined, so he did not say anything more.
Hi, said Neil.
Uncle Francis had a daughter, Lisa, who was Neils age. Lisa had learned English in school.
Hi, Neil, said Lisa. How was the plane trip?
Good, said Neil.
It was a long plane ride, said Lisa. I hope you were comfortable.

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Then there was a silence. When Neil talked again Lisa also talked, at the same time. Then
they both stopped. Then they both talked again at the same time. Neils face turned red. He looked
directly at the ground. He stayed in his room from then on. Uncle Francis had bought new sheets
and pillows for Neils room. Neils mom did not call.
Uncle Francis slipped brochures about teaching English under Neils door. The brochures
were in Chinese.
Neil knew that he would not teach English. He could not interact with one person. How
could he instruct a class of them?
Neil would sleep. He would sleep and destroy all desires and be satisfied with his life, in his
room. Or else he would wallow and be regretful.
He would wallow and be regretful.
He wished his mom had stayed in Taiwan. Raised him here, native. He wished his mom had
died early, leaving him to do things for himself. Neil wished for 10 percent increases in kindness,
tolerance, social skills, confidence, and attractiveness and then felt cheated in life by 10 percent.
A package came from Neils mom. Inside was Neils bag and another bag of toothbrushes,
shampoo, and dental floss. Neil said in his head, I knew it. I knew she would do this.
Neils brain said, Now youre going to get angry, arent you, Neil, you little shit.
He watched Chinese CNN on the TV in his room. He watched Taiwanese soap operas. He
lay on the carpet and stared at the ceiling. Tried to stare through to the next floor. X-ray vision.
Maybe Neil was a superhero and just didnt know it. He locked his door. He did cartwheels and
somersaults. He turned off the lights, stood facing into a corner, and laughed. He felt afraid.
There would be no epiphanies, ever, he knew, nothing. There would be a near-endless series
of embarrassing moments. There would be that.
He masturbated repeatedly to the Starbursts girl. He masturbated quietly, with a neutral
facial expression.
When Uncle Francis or Lisa knocked on his door he would pretend he was asleep or else
hurry into the bathroom and turn on the shower. Pshaw, said the showerhead. At night Neil snuck
into the kitchen, like a burglar.
But mostly Neil just slept.
The traffic in the streets sometimes woke up. The Taiwanese traffic. The apartment was in
Taipei, the capital city. I am in the capital of the universe, thought Neil. Then he put his face into
his pillow and said, Arrrrrrngggg.
Neils mom called. Neil, how are you, said Neils mom.
She talked softly. She stuttered a little between Neil and how.
Did Uncle Francis tell you how to get started? said Neils mom.
Neil tried to be happy and not at all angry. He did not say anything, not yet.
How are you? Neil? said Neils mom. I miss you.
Why did you send my bag? said Neil. Why did you send all that shampoo and dental
floss? Would it kill me to have to go outside and buy shampoo by myself? He said, Why did you
have to do that? He said, I can never escape from you. You dont know how this feels. I cant
make my own mistakes. I cant learn. You do everything for me. He said, I cant live. I cant be
alive.
Neil said in his head to himself, You are a cloying motherfucker. What the fuck are you
talking about? You are a terrible piece of shit.

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 Literatura Norteamericana

Neils mom said, Youre an adult now and you need to do things yourself. I know that.
Neil said, You always say that but you never change. He said, Didnt I say I would never
talk to you again if you did anything else for me? Something bilious and gray in Neils head was
beating like a pigeon. Fuck, Neil said in his head. He regretted everything that had happened and
everything that would happen. He saw his mother on the other end with a worried look on her face
and then he hung up the phone.
He would write about this. It would be miserable. There was a window and Neil thought
about throwing the phone through it, the glass breaking. He thought about throwing himself out of
it. Ridiculous, he thought.
He set the phone down on the receiver on the bed. He tried to be very un-melodramatic
about this but the deliberateness of it made it enormously melodramatic.
He sat on the bed. He knew it would be a long time before he would talk to his mother
again. He thought that from now on he would be a nicer person. He would talk to Lisa and Uncle
Francis and try very hard to be a normal, friendly person. Yeah, right, he thought. He stood and
walked around with his arms out stiff in front. He went into the bathroom and looked at himself in
the wall mirror. Liver blood, he said. Rraarrgh, raagghh.

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