How to Discuss Sex With

Your Children
Child and teen sex education resources are deeply
flawed.
Its not easy for parents to discuss sex with their children. When my
wife and I had kids, Id been a sex educator for more than a
decade, yet at times, found myself tongue-tied.

Thats why its so important to introduce the subject when kids are
toddlers. You gain valuable experienceand confidencewhen
their questions are simple, and you develop a sex-positive, ask-me-
anything tone thats sure to pay dividends as they become teens
and the issues become more complicated.

Attention Parents

Silence speaks volumes. Kids look to their parents for guidance

on values and behavior. Sex involves both, so they want to hear
from you. Parents provide sex educationwhether or not they ever
raise the topic. Parents who remain silent or evade questions
declare loud and clear that sex is unmentionable. So kids turn to
other sources: clueless peers or the Internet, where sex searches
may reveal good information, but are more likely to
yield pornography. Try googling sex education and porn. I got 20
million hits for sex education, and 150 million for pornseven times
as many.

Do your best to answer kids sex questions as forthrightly as

possible. Never say, Youre too young for that. Or Thats for
grown-ups. Kids are curious about all aspects of life, so of course,
theyre interested in sex. Sex education never hurt anyone. What
causes problems is its absence.
 No need to be long-winded. To discuss sex productively, you
dont have to feel comfortable with the subject. Nor do you need to
be articulate. Theres only one requirement. Try. Then keep trying.
With practice, youll gain confidence and the task will become
easier. You dont have to get it perfect the first time. Conversations
evolve, including sex talks. If you want to amend what youve
previously said or add information, no problem, feel free.

Keep talking. Many parents say little if anything about sex until
children reach some arbitrary age and then stumble through The
Talk, often a one-time conversation. The once-and-done approach
is unrealistic. Sex is everywhere. Talk about it whenever the subject
arises: on TV, after movies, in song lyrics, in the news, anywhere
and everywhere.

Answer kids questions with a loving tone and a big smile.

Your manner and grin communicate as much as your words. They
show that sex is just another ordinary aspect of daily life.

Read them a book, or give them one to read. When I was 7, my

mother read me one called How I Was Born, which explained sperm
and eggs and how they meet. I recall feeling astonished. Really?
Something comes out besides pee? I also recall feeling delighted. I
knew little about sex, but I understood that it was a grown-up
subject. My mother had shared it, which showed that she, and by
implication, also my father, trusted me with adult information. I felt a
bit more grown up myself.

The Many Problems With Parent-Child Sex Education

Resources

How I Was Born is long out of print, but todays parents can choose
among two dozen sperm-and-egg and welcome-to-
puberty guides. To the extent that they help nervous parents deal
with challenging subjects, theyre valuable.

But theyre also problematic. Billed as providing sex education,

they focus almost exclusively on procreation. Most mention erotic
pleasure only in passing, if at all. Thats a real shame. Having
children (usually) requires sex, but for the vast majority of lovers
and the vast majority of rolls in the hay, sex has nothing to do with
reproduction. Its all about pleasure and affirming relationships.
Unfortunately, sex education resources for children and teens
greatly under-emphasize erotic pleasure. Even in books for
children, pleasure deserves more ink.

I urge parents to correct several key points that even the best books
distort:

The books say: Boys have penises. Girls have vaginas.

Actually, boys have penises. Girls have vaginas, vulvas, and

clitorises.

The female equivalent of the penis is not the vagina. During the first
two months of gestation, the two genders fetal genitalia are
indistinguishable. Then the cells in boys that develop into the penis
in girls become the clitoris and vulva, which includes the clitoral
hood, the vaginal lips (inner and outer), and the erotically sensitive
groove between them. Biologically, the penis has nothing to do with
the vagina.

Meanwhile, ever since Alfred Kinsey launched modern sex research

in the late-1940s, one finding has been re-confirmed in many
studies. Compared with men, women are considerably less likely to
have orgasms. Men report orgasms approximately 95 percent of the
time, but for women, depending on the study, the figure is only 50 to
70 percent. Why? In part because many men (and some women)
are unaware of the clitoris and the key role it plays in womens
erotic responsiveness and orgasm. From day one, parents should
tell children that boys have penises for making babies and sexual
pleasure, while girls have vaginas for babies and clitorises and
vulvas for pleasure.
 The books say: Masturbation is normal. Some think its wrong
or harmful, or a sin. But masturbating cannot hurt you. Many
people masturbate. Many dont. Its your choice.

My suggestion: Youre free to masturbate or notbut your mother

and I encourage you to in private. Masturbation is the foundation of
a healthy, happy sex life. It allows us to learn what kinds of touch
provide sexual pleasure. If youre not adept at making love with
yourself, its more difficult to do it with anyone else.

In 1994, AIDS was a global health calamity. At a U.N. AIDS

conference, reporters asked then-Surgeon General Jocelyn Elders,
M.D., if it might be appropriate to promote masturbation to young
people as a substitute for sexual activities that might transmit AIDS.
She replied, Masturbation is part of human sexuality. Perhaps it
should be taught. Despite her tepid endorsement, Congressional
conservatives went ballistic and Elders was forced to resign.

But Elders was right. Parents should teach their children that
masturbation is not only harmless and almost universal,
but beneficial. Its the foundation of healthy sexuality and a key
element in treating several sex problems, notably premature
ejaculation in men and difficulty with orgasm in both genders.

Left to themselves, children are enthusiastic masturbators. Why

not? Its such fun. But while encouraging solo sex, parents should
also say that, like using the bathroom, masturbation is a private
pleasure. When you want to play that way, do it behind a closed
door.

The books say: Sexual intercourse is often called making love.

Actually, there are many ways to make love: kissing, cuddling,

hugging, gently massaging each other from head to toe, fondling
each others genitals, fellatio, cunnilingus, penis-vagina intercourse,
anal play, and sex toys. For those who enjoy them, they all provide
great pleasure.
Theres no right way to make love. Making babies (usually)
requires sexual intercourse with the man ejaculating inside the
woman. But making love is not limited to intercourse and need not
include it. Plenty of people enjoy marvelous lovemaking and
marvelous orgasms without intercourse, notably older lovers. Even
when couples can have intercourse, some prefer to make love in
other ways.

The books say: During intercourse, both the man and woman
become increasingly excited, and eventually experience waves
of pleasure. Thats orgasm.

My revision: After you masturbate for a while, you notice feeling

increasingly excited. At a certain point, you feel muscle contractions
between your legs accompanied by a wave of pleasure followed by
a few minutes of dreamy contentment. Thats orgasm. Lovers can
also help each other have orgasms by caressing each others
genitals.

The books that mention orgasm uniformly imply that penis-vagina

intercourse produces it. This is usually true for men, but a huge
research literature, discussed in a previous post, shows that only
about 25 percent of women are consistently orgasmic during
intercourse. To come, three-quarters of women need direct clitoral
caresses by hand, mouth, or vibrator.

Unfortunately, schooled by lame books if they're schooled at all,

many men and some women believe that women should come
during intercourse. This belief causes a tremendous amount of
sexual misery: women who think theres something wrong with them
when they dont, men critical of their lovers, and women who fake
orgasm to appease mens supposedly fragile egos. The notion that
vigorous, extended intercourse produces orgasm in women ranks
as among the most toxic sexual misrepresentations.

Most books include anatomical drawings that depict the clitoris.

Why not emphasize its central role in womens pleasure?
Most books say theres nothing wrong with masturbation. Why
not stress that solo sex is a pre-requisite for mutually fulfilling
partner sex?

The books explain intercourse. Why not point out that there are
many other ways to make love and that those other approaches are
more likely than intercourse to bring women to orgasm?

Parent-child sex education resources fall short by emphasizing

procreation over pleasure. Procreation education is worth
mentioning, but pleasure education is much more
important. Tragically, books with the best intentions wind up
perpetuating mass sexual mis-education, particularly about how
women have orgasms.

We Love It And Bet You Will, Too.

When we told our kids about the erotic primacy of the clitoris for
women, they absorbed it just as they had sperm-and-egg
information.

After we emphasized that they could masturbate as much as they

liked but in private, we found their bedroom doors closed more.

And when we told them that intercourse is not the only way to do it,
that many couples prefer oral sex, and that cunnilingus is much
more likely than intercourse to bring women to orgasm, they
said, Really? Eeww! Thats gross.

Yes, we replied, oral sex is hard for kids to imagine, but when you
grow up and become sexual, we encourage you to try it. We love it
and bet you will, too.

The sex education books I reviewed:

Bailey, J. and J. McCafferty. Sex, Puberty, and All That Stuff: A

Guide to Growing Up. Barrons Educational, NY, 2004.
Brown, L.K. and M. Brown. Whats the Big Secret? Talking About
Sex with Girls and Boys.Little Brown, NY, 1997.

Cole, J. Asking About Sex and Growing Up: A Question-and-

Answer Book for Kids(revised edition). HarperCollins, NY, 2009.

Harris, R.H and M. Emberley. Its Perfectly Normal: Changing

Bodies, Growing Up, Sex, and Sexual Health. Candlewick Press,
Somerville, MA, 2014.

Madaras, L. with A. Madaras. The Whats Happening to My Body?

Book for Boys. William Morrow, NY, 2007.

Madaras, L. with A. Madaras. The Whats Happening to My Body?

Book for Girls. William Morrow, NY, 2007.

Mayle, P. Where Did I Come From? Lyle Stuart, NY, 1973.

Planned Parenthood, Mar Monte. Lets Talk About Sex (2nd

edition). Book Peddlers, Minnetonka, MN, 2005.

Schiffer, H.B. How To Be the Best Lover: A Guide for Teenage

Boys. Heartful Loving Press, Santa Barbara, CA, 2004.