Dysfunctional

family

A dysfunctional family is a
family in which conict,
misbehavior, and often child
neglect or abuse on the part of
individual parents occur
continually and regularly,
leading other members to
accommodate such actions.
Children sometimes grow up in
such families with the
understanding that such an
arrangement is normal.
Dysfunctional families are
primarily a result of two adults,
one typically overtly abusive
and the other codependent,
and may also be aected by
addictions, such as substance
abuse (e.g., alcohol or drugs),
or sometimes an untreated
mental illness. Dysfunctional
parents may emulate or over-
correct from their own
dysfunctional parents. In some
cases, the dominant parent will
abuse or neglect his/her
children and the other parent
will not object, leading the
children to believe they
deserve this.[1]

Perceptions and
historical context
A common misperception of
dysfunctional families is the
mistaken belief that the
parents are on the verge of
separation and divorce. While
this is true in a few cases,
often the marriage bond is very
strong as the parents' faults
actually complement each
other. In short, they have
nowhere else to go. However,
this does not necessarily mean
the family's situation is stable.
Any major stressor, such as
relocation,
unemployment/underemploym
ent, physical or mental illness,
natural disaster, etc. can cause
existing conicts aecting the
children to become much
worse.[2]
Dysfunctional families pervade
all strata of society regardless
of social, nancial or
intellectual status.
Nevertheless, until recent
decades the concept of a
dysfunctional family was not
taken seriously by
professionals (therapists,
social workers, teachers,
counselors, clergy, etc.),
especially among the middle
and upper classes. Any
intervention would have been
seen as violating the sanctity
of marriage and increasing the
probability of divorce, which
was socially unacceptable at
the time. Historically, children
of dysfunctional families were
expected to obey their parents
(ultimately the father), and
cope with the situation alone.
[3][4]

Examples
Dysfunctional family members
have common features and
behavior patterns as a result of
their experiences within the
family structure. This tends to
reinforce the dysfunctional
behavior, either through
enabling or perpetuation. The
family unit can be aected by a
variety of factors.[5]

Common features

Near universal

Some features are common to

most dysfunctional families:

Lack of empathy,
understanding, and
sensitivity towards certain
family members, while
expressing extreme empathy
or appeasement towards one
or more members who have
real or perceived "special
needs". In other words, one
family member continuously
receives far more than he or
she deserves, while another
is marginalized.
Denial (refusal to
acknowledge abusive
behavior, possibly believing
that the situation is normal
or even benecial; also
known as the "elephant in
the room.")
Inadequate or missing
boundaries for self (e.g.
tolerating inappropriate
treatment from others,
failing to express what is
acceptable and
unacceptable treatment,
tolerance of physical,
emotional or sexual abuse.)
Disrespect of others'
boundaries (e.g. physical
contact that other person
dislikes; breaking important
promises without just cause;
purposefully violating a
boundary another person
has expressed)
Extremes in conict (either
too much ghting or
insucient peaceful arguing
between family members)
Unequal or unfair treatment
of one or more family
members due to their birth
order, gender, age, family
role (mother, etc.), abilities,
race, caste, etc. (may
include frequent
appeasement of one member
at the expense of others, or
an uneven/inconsistent
 enforcement of rules)

Not universal

Though not universal among

dysfunctional families, and by
no means exclusive to them,
the following features are
typical of dysfunctional
families:

Abnormally high levels of

jealousy or other controlling
behaviors
Conict inuenced by
marital status:
Between separated or
divorced parents,
usually related to, or
arising from their
breakup
Conict between
parents who remain
married, often for the
perceived "sake" of the
children, but whose
separation or divorce
would in fact remove a
detrimental inuence on
those children (must be
evaluated on a case-by-
case basis, as a breakup
may harm children)
 Parents who wish to
divorce, but cannot due
to nancial, societal
(including religious), or
legal reasons
Children afraid to talk
(within or outside the family)
about what is happening at
home, or are otherwise
fearful of their parents
Abnormal sexual behavior
such as adultery,
promiscuity, or incest
Lack of time spent together,
especially in recreational
 activities and social events
("We never do anything as a
family")
Parents insist they treat their
children fairly and equitably
when that is not the case at
all.
Family members (including
children) who disown each
other, or refuse to be seen
together in public (either
unilaterally or bilaterally)

Specic examples

In many cases, the following

would cause a family to be
dysfunctional:

Families with older parents

or immigrant parents who
cannot cope with changing
times or a dierent culture
A parent of the same sex
never intercedes in father
daughter/motherson
relations on behalf of the
child
Children who have no
contact with the extended
family of their mother or
father due to disharmony,
disagreement, prejudice,
feuding, etc.
In a family with one or more
rebellious children at whom
parents are chronically
angry, non-rebellious
children have to "walk on
eggshells" to avoid spillover
eects of the parents' anger
An intense rift, extending
beyond mere disagreement
of opinion to personal
animosity between family
members regarding ideology
(e.g. children's disagreement
 with their parents' religious
beliefs; a family member
having an abortion while
other members sharply
object; parents who support
their country being at war,
while children do not)

Parenting
Unhealthy signs

List of unhealthy parenting

signs which could lead to a
family becoming
dysfunctional:[6]
Unrealistic expectations
Ridicule[7]
Conditional love[7]
Disrespect;[7] especially
contempt
Emotional intolerance
(family members not allowed
to express the "wrong"
emotions)[7]
Social dysfunction or
isolation[7] (for example,
parents unwilling to reach
out to other families
especially those with
children of the same gender
and approximate age, or do
nothing to help their
"friendless" child)
Stied speech (children not
allowed to dissent or
question authority)[7]
Denial of an "inner life"
(children are not allowed to
develop their own value
systems)[7]
Being under- or over-
protective
Apathy "I don't care!"
Belittling "You can't do
anything right!"
Shame "Shame on you!"
Bitterness (regardless of
what is said, using a bitter
tone of voice)
Hypocrisy "Do as I say, not
as I do"
Lack of forgiveness for minor
misdeeds or accidents
Judgmental statements or
demonization "You are a
liar!"
Either little or excessive
criticism (experts say
8090% praise, and
1020% constructive
criticism is the most healthy)
[8][9]

Double standards or giving

"mixed messages" by having
a dual system of values (i.e.
one set for the outside
world, another when in
private, or teaching
divergent values to each
child)
The absentee parent
(seldom available for their
child due to work overload,
alcohol/drug abuse,
gambling or other
addictions)
Unfullled projects,
activities, and promises
aecting children "We'll do it
later"
Giving to one child what
rightly belongs to another
Gender prejudice (treats one
gender of children fairly; the
other unfairly)
Discussion and exposure to
sexuality: either too much,
too soon or too little, too
late
Faulty discipline based more
on emotions or family
politics than on established
rules (e.g., punishment by
"surprise")
Having an unpredictable
emotional state due to
substance abuse, personality
disorder(s), or stress
Parents always (or never)
take their children's side
when others report acts of
misbehavior, or teachers
report problems at school
Scapegoating (knowingly or
recklessly blaming one child
for the misdeeds of another)
"Tunnel vision" diagnosis of
children's problems (for
example, a parent may think
their child is either lazy or
has learning disabilities after
he falls behind in school
despite recent absence due
to illness)
Older siblings given either no
or excessive authority over
younger siblings with
respect to their age
dierence and level of
maturity
Frequent withholding of
consent ("blessing") for
culturally common, lawful,
and age-appropriate
activities a child wants to
take part in
The "know-it-all" (has no
need to obtain child's side of
the story when accusing, or
listen to child's opinions on
matters which greatly impact
them)
Regularly forcing children to
attend activities for which
they are extremely over- or
under-qualied (e.g. using a
preschool to babysit a
typical nine-year-old boy,
taking a young child to poker
games, etc.)
Either being a miser
("scrooge") in totality or
selectively allowing
children's needs to go unmet
(e.g. father will not buy a
bicycle for his son because
he wants to save money for
retirement or "something
important")
Disagreements about nature
 and nurture (parents, often
non-biological, blame
common problems on child's
heredity, when faulty
parenting may be the actual
cause)

Dysfunctional styles

[10]

"Children as pawns"

One common dysfunctional

parental behavior is a parent's
manipulation of a child in order
to achieve some outcome
adverse to the other parent's
rights or interests. Examples
include verbal manipulation
such as spreading gossip
about the other parent,
communicating with the parent
through the child (and in the
process exposing the child to
the risks of the other parent's
displeasure with that
communication) rather than
doing so directly, trying to
obtain information through the
child (spying), or causing the
child to dislike the other
parent, with insucient or no
concern for the damaging
eects of the parent's behavior
on the child. While many
instances of such manipulation
occur in shared custody
situations that have resulted
from separation or divorce, it
can also take place in intact
families, where it is known as
triangulation.

List of other
dysfunctional styles

"Using" (destructively
narcissistic parents who rule
by fear and conditional love)
Abusing (parents who use
physical violence, or
emotionally, or sexually
abuse their children)
Perfectionist (xating on
order, prestige, power, or
perfect appearances, while
preventing their child from
failing at anything)
Dogmatic or cult-like (harsh
and inexible discipline, with
children not allowed, within
reason, to dissent, question
authority, or develop their
own value system)
Inequitable parenting (going
to extremes for one child
while continually ignoring
the needs of another)
Deprivation (control or
neglect by withholding love,
support, necessities,
sympathy, praise, attention,
encouragement, supervision,
or otherwise putting their
children's well-being at risk)
Abuse among siblings
(parents fail to intervene
when a sibling physically or
sexually abuses another
sibling)
Abandonment (a parent who
willfully separates from their
children, not wishing any
further contact, and in some
cases without locating
alternative, long-term
parenting arrangements,
leaving them as orphans)
Appeasement (parents who
reward bad behavioreven
by their own standardsand
inevitability punish another
child's good behavior in
order to maintain the peace
and avoid temper tantrums
"Peace at any price")
Loyalty manipulation (giving
unearned rewards and lavish
attention trying to ensure a
favored, yet rebellious child
will be the one most loyal
and well-behaved, while
subtly ignoring the wants
and needs of their most loyal
child currently)
"Helicopter parenting"
(parents who micro-manage
their children's lives or
relationships among siblings
especially minor conicts)
"The deceivers" (well-
regarded parents in the
community, likely to be
involved in some
charitable/non-prot works,
who abuse or mistreat one
or more of their children)
"Public image manager"
(sometimes related to above,
children warned to not
disclose what ghts, abuse,
or damage happens at home,
or face severe punishment
"Don't tell anyone what goes
on in this family")
"The paranoid parent" (a
parent having persistent and
irrational fear accompanied
by anger and false
accusations that their child
is up to no good or others
are plotting harm)
"No friends allowed"
(parents discourage,
prohibit, or interfere with
their child from making
friends of the same age and
gender)
Role reversal (parents who
expect their minor children
to take care of them instead)
"Not your business"
(children continuously told
that a particular brother or
sister who is often causing
problems is none of their
concern)
Ultra-egalitarianism (either a
much younger child is
permitted to do whatever an
older child may, or an older
child must wait years until a
younger child is mature
enough)
"The guard dog" (a parent
who blindly attacks family
members perceived as
causing the slightest upset
to their esteemed spouse,
partner, or child)
"My baby forever" (a parent
who will not allow one or
more of their young children
to grow up and begin taking
care of themselves)
"The cheerleader" (one
parent "cheers on" the other
parent who is simultaneously
abusing their child)
"Along for the ride" (a
reluctant de facto, step,
foster, or adoptive parent
who does not truly care
about their non-biological
child, but must co-exist in
the same home for the sake
of their spouse or partner)
See also: Cinderella eect
"The politician" (a parent
who repeatedly makes or
agrees to children's
promises while having little
to no intention of keeping
them)
"It's taboo" (parents rebu
any questions children may
have about sexuality,
pregnancy, romance,
puberty, certain areas of
human anatomy, nudity, etc.)
Identied patient (one child,
usually selected by the
mother, who is forced into
going to therapy while the
family's overall dysfunction
is kept hidden)
Mnchausen syndrome by
proxy (a much more extreme
situation than above, where
 the child is intentionally
made ill by a parent seeking
attention from physicians
and other professionals)

Dynamical
Coalitions are subsystems
within families with more rigid
boundaries and are thought to
be a sign of family
dysfunction.[11]

The isolated family member

(either a parent or child up
against the rest of the
otherwise united family)
Parent vs. parent (frequent
ghts amongst adults,
whether married, divorced,
or separated, conducted
away from the children)
The polarized family (a
parent and one or more
children on each side of the
conict)
Parents vs. kids
(intergenerational conict,
generation gap or culture
shock dysfunction)
The balkanized family
(named after the three-way
 war in the Balkans where
alliances shift back and
forth)
Free-for-all (a family that
ghts in a "free-for-all"
style, though may become
polarized when range of
possible choices is limited)

Children
Unlike divorce, and to a lesser
extent, separation, there is
often no record of an "intact"
family being dysfunctional. As
a result, friends, relatives, and
teachers of such children may
be completely unaware of the
situation. In addition, a child
may be unfairly blamed for the
family's dysfunction, and
placed under even greater
stress than those whose
parents separate.

The six basic roles

Children growing up in a
dysfunctional family have been
known to adopt or be assigned
one or more of the following
six basic roles:[12][13]

The Golden Child (also

known as the Hero or
Superkid[14]): a child who
becomes a high achiever or
overachiever outside the
family (e.g., in academics or
athletics) as a means of
escaping the dysfunctional
family environment, dening
themselves independently of
their role in the
dysfunctional family,
currying favor with parents,
or shielding themselves from
criticism by family members
The Problem Child, Rebel, or
Bad Egg [sic, Polson and
Newton, pp.8485] (also
known as the Scapegoat
when unjustiedly assigned
this role by others within the
family): the child who a)
causes most problems
related to the family's
dysfunction or b) "acts out"
in response to preexisting
family dysfunction, in the
latter case often in an
attempt to divert attention
paid to another member who
exhibits a pattern of similar
misbehavior
A variant of the
 "problem child" role is
the Scapegoat, who is
unjustiably assigned
the "problem child" role
by others within the
family or even
wrongfully blamed by
other family members
for those members' own
individual or collective
dysfunction, often
despite being the only
emotionally stable
member of the family.
The Caretaker: the one who
takes responsibility for the
emotional well-being of the
family, often assuming a
parental role; the intra-
familial counterpart of the
"Good Child"/"Superkid"
The Lost Child or Passive
Kid:[15] the inconspicuous,
introverted, quiet one, whose
needs are usually ignored or
hidden
The Mascot or Family
Clown:[16] uses comedy to
divert attention away from
the increasingly
dysfunctional family system
 The Mastermind: the
opportunist who capitalizes
on the other family
members' faults to get
whatever he or she wants;
often the object of
appeasement by grown-ups

Eects on children

Children of dysfunctional
families, either at the time, or
as they grow older, may
also:[12]

Lack the ability to be playful,

or childlike, and may "grow
up too fast"; conversely they
may grow up too slowly, or
be in a mixed mode (e.g.
well-behaved, but unable to
care for themselves)
Have moderate to severe
mental health issues,
including possible
depression, anxiety,[17] and
suicidal thoughts
Become addicted to
smoking, alcohol, or drugs,
especially if parents or
friends have done the same
Bully or harass others, or be
an easy victim thereof
(possibly taking a dual role
in dierent settings)
Be in denial regarding the
severity of the family's
situation
Have mixed feelings of love
hate towards certain family
members
Become a sex oender,
possibly including
pedophilia.[18]
Have diculty forming
healthy relationships within
their peer group (usually due
to shyness or a personality
disorder)
Spend an inordinate amount
of time alone watching
television, playing video
games, surng the Internet,
listening to music, and other
activities which lack in-
person social interaction
Feel angry, anxious,
depressed, isolated from
others, or unlovable
Have a speech disorder
(related to emotional abuse)
[19]
Distrust others or even have
paranoia
Become a juvenile
delinquent and turn to a life
of crime (with or without
dropping out of school), and
possibly become a gang
member as well
Struggle academically at
school or academic
performance declines
unexpectedly
Have low self-esteem or a
poor self image with
diculty expressing
emotions
Rebel against parental
authority, or conversely,
uphold their family's values
in the face of peer pressure,
or even try to take an
impossible "middle ground"
that pleases no one
Think only of themselves to
make up the dierence of
their childhoods (as they are
still learning the balance of
self-love)
Have little self-discipline
when parents are not
around, such as compulsive
spending, procrastinating
too close to deadlines, etc.
(unfamiliar, inchoate, and
seemingly lax or avoidable
real-world consequences vs.
known, concrete, and rigidly
imposed parental
consequences)
Find an (often abusive)
spouse or partner at a young
age, or run away from home
Become pregnant or a
parent of illegitimate
children
Be at risk of becoming poor
or homeless, even if the
family is already wealthy or
middle-class
Live a reclusive lifestyle
without any spouse, partner,
children, or friends
Have auto-destructive or
potentially self-damaging
behaviors
Join a cult to nd the
acceptance they never had
at home, or at a minimum,
have diering
philosophical/religious
 beliefs from what they were
previously taught
Strive (as young adults) to
live far away from particular
family members or the family
as a whole, possibly
spending much more time
with extended family.
Perpetuate dysfunctional
behaviors in other
relationships (especially
their own children)

In popular culture
Category:Films about
dysfunctional families
 Category:Television series
about dysfunctional families

See also
Rotten kid theorem
Abnormality (behavior)
Alcoholism in family systems
Domestic violence
Family nexus
Family therapy
Harry Stack Sullivan
Identied patient
Karpman Drama Triangle
Multisystemic therapy (MST)
 Narcissistic parent
Parental alienation
Parenting styles
Psychological manipulation

References
1. David Stoop and James
Masteller (1997-02-10).
Forgiving Our Parents,
Forgiving Ourselves: Healing
Adult Children of Dysfunctional
Families. Regal.
ISBN 978-0830734238.
2. Michael E. Kerr and Murray
Bowen (1988-10-17). Family
Evaluation. W. W. Norton &
Company.
ISBN 978-0393700565.
3. =Kate Millett (1998). Classic
and Contemporary Readings in
Sociology: Reading 22 The
Theory of Sexual Politics.
ISBN 978-0582320239. [1]
4. =Nancy J. Napier (April
1990). Recreating Your Self:
Help for Adult Children of
Dysfunctional Families.
ISBN 978-0393028423.
5. Florence W. Kaslow
(January 1996). Handbook of
Relational Diagnosis and
Dysfunctional Family Patterns.
Wiley-Interscience.
ISBN 978-0471080787.
6. Blair & Rita Justice (April
1990). The Abusing Family.
Insight Books.
ISBN 978-0306434419.
7. Dan Neuharth (1999). If You
Had Controlling Parents: How
to Make Peace with Your Past
and Take Your Place in the
World. DIANE Publishing
Company.
ISBN 978-0788193835.
8. "Praise, encouragement
and rewards" . Raising Children
Network. 2011-04-10.
9. "Make sure praise balances
criticism for solid self-
condence" . Detroit News.
10. Richard Kagan and Shirley
Schlosberg (1989-03-17).
Families in Perpetual Crisis.
ISBN 978-0393700664.
11. Whiteman, Shawn D.;
McHale, Susan M.; Soli,
Anna."Theoretical
Perspectives on Sibling
Relationships" , J Fam Theory
Rev., 2012 Jun 1; Vol. 3, No. 2,
pp. 124139, PMC 3127252 .
12. Forgiving Our Parents: For
Adult Children from
Dysfunctional Families by
Dwight Lee Wolter c. 1995.
Except where individually noted
13. Beth Polson and Miller
Newton, Not My Kid: A Family's
Guide to Kids and Drugs, Arbor
Books / Kids of North Jersey
Nurses, 1984,
ISBN 9780877956334,
viewable at
https://books.google.com
/books/about
/Not_my_kid.html?id=4AXAtD
Q-koQC .
14. Polson and Newton, pp.
8184
15. Polson and Newton, pp.
8690
16. Polson and Newton, pp.
8586
17. "Good parents 'buer'
their kids' minds" . The Sydney
Morning Herald. 2010-09-21.
Retrieved 2012-06-13.
18. Cycle of child sexual
abuse: links between being a
victim and becoming a
perpetrator The British Journal
of Psychiatry Dec 2001, 179
(6) 482-494;
doi:10.1192/bjp.179.6.482
19. "CHILD ABUSE" . Long
Beach Fire Department Training
Center. 2009-09-19. Archived
from the original on
2010-01-31.

Further reading
Lundy Bancroft, "Why Does
He Do That? Inside the
Minds of Angry and
Controlling Men" 2002
Berkley Books,
ISBN 0-399-14844-2
John Bradshaw, Healing the
Shame That Binds You
John Bradshaw,
Homecoming: Reclaiming and
Healing Your Inner Child
John Bradshaw, Bradshaw
On: The Family
Stephanie Donaldson-
Pressman, The Narcissistic
Family. Diagnosis and
Treatment
Beth Polson and Miller
Newton, Not My Kid: A
 Family's Guide to Kids and
Drugs , Arbor Books / Kids
of North Jersey Nurses,
1984,
ISBN 978-0877956334,
Charles Whiteld, Healing
the Child Within: Discovery
and Recovery for Adult
Children of Dysfunctional
Families

External links
Adult Children of
Dysfunctional Families
Retrieved from
"https://en.wikipedia.org
/w/index.php?title=Dysfunctional_fa
mily&oldid=809006504"

Last edited 14 days ago

Content is available under CC BY-SA

3.0 unless otherwise noted.