Myriam Hernandez

COMM 2110
Relational Change Project
November 21, 2017

Overview:
This report outlines my personal change project. In the beginning my goal was to try and not
interrupt people will talking with them. After applying certain skills such as the stop, look, listen
and respond, and working on detecting nonverbal messages, to my life. I ended up changing my
goal to having better communication with my mother. This project has taught me a lot of skills to
use so I can communicate better with my mother. As well as becoming more aware of certain
unwanted communication skills. In the end, I began to see a better relationship with mother.
Although my goals changed in the end of this project there is still work to do. Such as keeping
myself accountable for my communication mistakes, and continue to use stop, look, listen and
respond with my mother.

Unwanted Communication Patterns:

I have had a tendency to interrupt people when I am speaking with them. I feel as though I
should work on this mainly because people perceive me as rude or annoying. There were times
where I completely ruined my relationship with people. Mainly because I could not learn how to
listen to them properly without interrupting them or cutting their sentence short. This lead to
more problems especially with my mother. It caused trouble in our relationship such as her not
trusting me to listen to her. As well as her thinking that I cannot be there for her.
In my two examples, it shows how interrupting people while you are supposed to be listening
can cause problems with the people in your life.

My two examples:
For this situation, I was a counselor at a summer camp. I was help FTC (first-year
counselors) learn the ropes and teaching them certain skills that I learned through the
years. They would come to me and ask me questions and tell me certain situations they
were having. As they were talking to me I would cut them off and tell how I would solve
the problem or what would be best to do. As the camp went on I noticed not as many
people would come up to me for help. This made me very upset as I thought I was doing
a good job in helping them. Although they would talk to other counselors and advisors
and tell them how rude they thought I was being. I was completely unaware of this until
the camp was over when someone finally told me what I was doing and talked to me
about how the FTC felt uncomfortable to come and talk to me. I had ruined the bond I
was trying to make by interrupting and not really listening to what the FTC had to say to
me. This had really impacted me as I felt I was doing a good job but in reality, I was
coming off as a bad listener or as rude.
 This situation with my mother made me really see how badly I was hurting our
relationship by interrupting her. I had gone to a family holiday party with my parents. We
were all sitting at the table talking. When my aunt looked at my mom and asked her about
her new job. I was so excited for because she really liked her new job. As she began to
explain to my aunt about her job, I cut my mom off and explained more about and how it
is so much better than her other job. My mom continued to talk to my aunt, and brought
up a certain coworker. I again interrupted my mom to talk about a funny story she had
told me about that certain co-worker. She finally looked at me and whisper-shouted Im
sorry I forgot that this was YOUR new job! By the tone of her voice and the look on her
face. I knew that my mother was very upset with me. I had not let her talk about her job. I
made it as though I knew more about her job than she did. I was just happy for my
mother and her new job, but all she saw and heard was me interrupting her and not letting
her speak.

In these situations, I made the people feel unimportant to me. They believed that their words
were not important to me. I did not take the time to fully listen to them, and understand what
they really wanted from me. In my first situation, I believed that the FTC were looking for my
advice, but in reality, they really wanted someone to listen to them and tell them it would all
work out. In the situation with my mother I had let my excitement take over me and tell my
mothers story for her. Instead of letting her speak for herself I made it seem as though my
version of her story was better. If I had just effectively listened in these situations they would
have had better outcomes.

Strategies:
My goal was to stop or at least work on not interrupting people anymore. I set three strategies
that I thought would work best in helping me not interrupt people. Although throughout this
project my goal had altered as well as some of strategies. In the end, my goal was to have a better
communicative relationship with my mother. I wanted to be able to talk to my mother more
effectively. Since we are both growing I wanted our communication skills to as well.

The first strategy I implemented to work towards my goal was to work on distinguishing I-It
and I-Thou Relationships (Beebe, Beebe, Redmond, 2017, 3-4). I thought this would help me
see when other people thought I saw them as an it rather than an actual person to me. It was
something I had never considered. I thought that communicating with people always meant you
thought of them as a genuine human being. Although in the text it talks about how you can ...go
through an entire day communicating with others but not be involved in interpersonal
communication. (Beebe 2017). This made me think how many times I has thought I was giving
the person I was listening to the respect and attention they deserved. When I was really making
them feel as though they are just an it to me. I wanted to work on having a I-Thou relationship
with my mother because I wanted a true, honest dialogue because it results in authentic
communication (Beebe 2017). The book said that the communicators are patient, kind, and
forgiving. They have developed an attitude toward each other that is honest, open, spontaneous,
nonjudgmental, and based on equality rather than superiority. (Beebe, Beebe, Redmond) That is
the type of relationship I wanted to work on with my mother.

Second, I wanted to work on my listening skills. I saw in the text Listening Defined (Beebe,
Beebe, Redmond) and that it had defined five elements of the listening process. I had chosen two
in particular to use. I decided to use attending and understanding. I chose attending because it is
the Process of focusing on a particular sound or message. (Beebe 2017). I wanted to not only
not interrupt my mother but I also wanted her to see that I was giving her all my attention and
focusing on her and thing else. The text says that ...because listening is a transactional rather
than a linear process (which means that you are both sending and receiving information at the
same time). This gave me the outline how our conversations should go. My mother would talk
and share her thoughts and feels, and then next I would do the same. I would not be that my mom
talks then I interrupt her and start sharing my thoughts. Along with giving my mother my
attention I wanted to understand what she was trying to say to me. The text say that
understanding is ...is the process of assigning meaning to the sounds you select and to which
you attend (Beebe 2017). I want my mother to know that I am processing the words she is
saying. She speaks to me sometimes and it seems like I am listening but I am not really getting
her message across. Which does not seem to make sense when ...people understand others is
this: The greater the similarity between individuals, the greater the likelihood of more accurate
understanding. (Beebe 2017). Me and my mom have plenty in common and are much alike that
I should understand her messages, and that is what I plan to work on, not only attending and
listening but understanding her.

My final strategy is the one I will be using most often in the future. It is to stop, look and listen.
This mostly compiles all the strategies I was using in my journals into a collective technique.
The stop means to not attend to self-talk. Which basically what is says, we are talking to
ourselves in our minds. We comment on our own thoughts instead of what the other person is
saying. In the text, it talks about pre-interaction phase which lists:
Put your own thoughts aside.
Be there mentally as well as physically.
Make a conscious, mindful effort to listen.
Take adequate time to listen; dont rush the speaker; be patient.
Be open-minded (Beebe 2017).
The text is basically saying that you are either ...On-task or off-task. (Beebe 2017). What that
means is when youre on task you focus more on the message, and when youre off-task your
mind is wondering somewhere else other than focusing on the message. When you look it means
that you are looking for the nonverbal language. These nonverbal messages speak more than the
verbal message. The can help communicate ...feelings, emotions, and attitudes... (Beebe 2017).
Although a person may be verbally saying something their nonverbal may be communicating
what they really mean. Although the book does say ...dont let a speakers delivery dis tract
you from the content of the message. So, you can look for the nonverbal, but still listen to the
message they are trying to say. When listening you should be active rather than passive to be an
effective listener. The text says that effective listener:
just listenthey do not interrupt
respond and provide appropriate verbal feedback (yes, I see, I understand) and
nonverbal feedback (eye contact, nodding, appropriate facial expressions).
appropriately contribute to the conversation (Beebe 2017)
All of these strategies will help me build a commutation relationship with my mother. By giving
building blocks and stepping stones towards our goal of being able to listen to each other as well
as understand the messages we are saying to one another.

Constraints:
While this project really helped me have better communication with my mother. I did have some
setbacks as well. It was mainly mistakes or hiccups. Although I tried my best to be aware of how
I talk to people, and make sure that I am listening and trying not interrupt. I am only human and I
make mistakes from time to time. I tried to make sure to apologize and tell people I am working
on my unwanted behavior. Although it seemed that the only mistake I would make would be to
still interrupt my mom, but I along with that came my mom still prejudging and thinking that I
would not listen to her. This made it difficult to communicate with her sometimes.

Implementation:
With my first goal, it was all about controlling my urge to interrupt, but as time went on my
goals changed as well as my strategies. My end goal ended having a better communication
relationship with my mother. Trying to reach this goal was very difficult and came with many
obstacles. Some from me and others from my mother. Some of my obstacles were just my own
mistakes of interrupting. As much as I wanted to just quit right then and there. Im only human
and make mistakes every now and then. The obstacles my mother gave were her prejudges of her
not thinking I am a good communicator because I have interrupted her in the past.

Being able to changes came with a lot of hard work and sometimes even some setbacks. In one
instance, I had to work twice as hard to communicate with my mom because if a mistake I had
made. When my mom had noticed I was trying really hard to actually listen to her and I had not
interrupted her in a long time. She began to really communicate and open up with me. She had
come back from work and told me I had such a terrible day. I looked at this as a great
opportunity to work on our communication relationship and asked her what happened at work?
she told me I was working on the schedule for the next week and was about to print it out when
the printer malfunctioned. So, I went to unplug it, but I accidently unplugged the computer. I had
to tell every that I could not post the schedule up until Tuesday. Everyone was so mad at me and
just gave me dirty looks because it was all my fault. I asked, well did you save the
documents? she told me Im not, I dont think it did. I was working on word... then I cut her
off and said, oh thats great cause word tends to auto save so it should still be on the computer.
This is when she gave me such a look that I had seen what I had done. I had made her feel like an
it rather than a person. I though she needed help solving her problem, but she really just
wanted someone to listen to her.

I had to try really hard with my strategies for the next couple of days with my mom, and even
though it seemed like a setback it really got me to work on my strategies. So, at the end of the
day I ended up making my strategies into skills. This lead to another instance a couple weeks
later, after working hard on my skills, when my mom talked to me about trouble she was having
with her boss. I mentally thought about the stop, look and listen. So, I stopped what I was doing
mentally and physically, and gave my mother my full attention. I looked at not only her but the
nonverbal messages she was saying like her sluggish posture and her tone of voice. I could tell
how much this event had affected her. Finally, I listened to her. I fully listened and understood
all she was saying. From her telling me that her boss took a personal day but was still clocked in.
To when she confronted him about it and the argument they had. I waited till she was done
expressing her thoughts to talk so I would not interrupt her. I even gave an effect response
because I knew my mom just wanted me to hear her and make her feel like I cared. She did not
want a way to fix her problem because she was quite capable of doing that herself. In the end, the
relationship with my mother did alter a bit but I was not where I wanted it to be. I would have to
do with some setbacks I had that caused us to not get there in the end. I am not perfect and
neither is my mother.

Results:
Throughout this project I had noticed that my communication relationship with my mother had
gotten a lot better. We were understanding each other more. I was also able to understand her
messages clearer by using stop, look and listen. My mother felt a lot more comfortable speaking
with me because she knew I would not interrupt her and I could listen to her and treat her like a
genuine person. Although at some points she made it seems as though I was still being rude
because I would accidently interrupt her or cut her off. This really put a toll on our relationship
from time to time. Although it got me to work harder on my strategies so it would not happen
again. As the text said, these steps really did improve my listening skills. As well as helping with
my communication skills. It says these steps ...they can provide the necessary structure to help
you refocus your mental energies and improve your ability to comprehend the messages of
others. They absolutely did help refocus my mental energies. My mothers messages get
through are a lot more comprehendible than they use to be. This makes communicating with my
mother much easier and I am pleased to have done this project. Though I still have work to do. It
is work I am happy to do.
Recommendations:
As I have stated before there is plenty of work to still be done with my communication
relationship with my mother. I plan to continue using the stop, look and listen strategies to help
me. As I think they sum up a lot of the strategies I was using in my journals. I do not think I
really need to add any other alterations to this strategy. I also feel that this strategy really works
well, and therefore do not feel as though I should add another because I covers a lot of other
strategies as well. For example, in the stop look and listen strategy it says, We mentally
comment on the words and sights we select and to which we attend. (Beebe 2017) this speaks
about the select and attend strategies. It speaks more about attending to the thoughts in our own
head, and not begin able to understand the message the other person is saying. Which was one of
the strategies I used. In the look section, it speaks about nonverbal messages which I outlined in
my journal about using.

Work cited:
Beebe, Steven A., et al. Interpersonal communication: relating to others. 8th ed., Pearson, 2017.