1) Mylinh, your introduction is pretty clear.

You identified clearly who the rhetor is, the

medium, and "summarized" it as little as possible to let your audience know what "Girl"
is about. You also identified the purpose and meaning of this text, and genre (personal
essay).
2) Kincaid writes about the duties given to the girl by the speaker to describe the
relationship between them and the domestic role the girl had. The author uses the second
person point of view to tell the girl what to do and how to do it from their own
experience. The girls domestic role and her relationship with the speaker creates
intimacy with the readers by being relatable and applying it to their own experiences in
life. Your claim provides a clear meaning about a the reaction in the audience. You state
that it creates an intimate relationship with the audience because of these domestic roles
of that the girl has. I suggest you write the last sentence of the second as the third
sentence instead of making it the last in your second paragraph. Your claim does focus
one specific thing which is the structure of the text the relationship and the domestic role
of the girl. I think if you do focus on these relationships you will be able to cover anaylsis
within a 1,500 world limit. Although your claim does no really cover the how Kincaid
does this, you can add that by saying what kind of devices she uses although you do
specify it in the introduction. I also think you should specify what how you will structure
your essay sort of like a list but not really. For example you can say by the use of
repetition, diction, etc. Kincaid focuses on the domestic roles of the girl. Overall I think
you should edit your statement of purpose and put it together instead of spread around.
And the complexity of your claim should be improved.

3) ) Kincaid writes about the duties given to the girl by the speaker to describe the
relationship between them and the domestic role the girl had. The author uses the second
person point of view to tell the girl what to do and how to do it from their own
experience. The girls domestic role and her relationship with the speaker creates
intimacy with the readers by being relatable and applying it to their own experiences in
life.

Claims:

The essay starts off as a narrative in the voice of an authoritative figure to a younger girl.

The paragraph of commands also plays an important aspect with the way that it is written
continuously, only stopping twice for the girl to speak for herself.

In addition to the list of commands that she had to do, it was what she had to do.

You do reference the thesis in your three body paragraphs. You connect your evidence
and topic sentences back to the thesis clearly. I think you should edit your transitions
between one idea to the other. And you should also add in your claims how she does this
to have an intimate relationship.

4) You do clearly establish the genre elements throughout your essay. The evidence used
does help see the connection between this domestic role and the genre of the text. And
you do focus on a specific part of the essay on the commands that she is told to do. I
never thought about the run-on sentence having a demanding tone like you stated, that
was interesting. Throughout the essay you seem as if you know what you are talking
about and are aware of the purpose of the genre.

5) Your third paragraph does have an accurate point. You connect it to the authoritative
tone that the mother is giving to the daughter. But the analysis of the evidence
shouldnt be the actual meaning of that sentence or whats implied, but rather how does
this connect to the claim that you stated in your essay. And your analysis does seem
appropriate for this sub-claim because it ties back to the tone and domestic role that the
girl had.

6) Your body paragraphs do tie back with the overall claim and have a good topic
sentence that connects back to it. But you should work on your transitions between
paragraphs in order for your essay to move smoothly from one idea to the next. In the
fourth paragraph you should include some evidence instead of just stating the meaning of
the long run sentences. Give evidence in the part that this is done in the text. And then
add how this structure of writing creates a demanding tone throughout Kincaids text.

7) In my opinion I think you should focus more on your transitions between one
paragraph to another so that it flows smoothly and not as if you were jumping from one
point to another. You should also add evidence to prove your claim in the fourth
paragraph about the run-on sentences because if you dont have evidence it seems as if it
is your opinion. It also helps in order for the person reading your essay to backup what
you have said about that particular part. Also rewrite your topic sentence of your fifth
paragraph you can maybe say something along the lines of, In addition to the list of
commands that she had to, they were also obligations that she had to perform. Your
essay isnt in MLA format your heading should be your name first, at the bottom of that
Leah, at the bottom of that class subject and then at the bottom the date should be written
as (Day(#) Month Year). And on the top right it should be your last name and number of
page. So it should be like this:

Pham 1

Mylinh Pham

Professor Leah

Writing 37

26 October 2017