You Can't Beat The House

You Cant Beat the House
A Comedy by Pat Cook
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2003 by Pat Cook
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-2-
STORY OF THE PLAY

Ive had trouble breaking into a house before but this is the
first time Ive had problems breaking OUT again! So moans
Merle to his partner, Howie. These two minor-league
burglars have really met their match this time, it seems.
They decided on a house only to find, after managing to get
into the place, that its up for sale and before they can leave,
Conrad and Glenda, prospective buyers, show up. Merle
figures they have two choices - either pretend to be real
estate agents or beat it, making the buyers suspect them
and call in the police. Merle begins to show the house while
Howie ducks out to get the car. Now the REAL real estate
agent shows up and Merle has to juggle the couple and the
agent. Finally, as Merle gets rid of the her and is about to
show the door to Conrad and Glenda, Howie arrives with the
news that their car has been towed away. Suddenly a cop
shows up, saying the police are looking for two suspicious
characters in the neighborhood. Next in the parade of
oddball characters is Conrads secretary, then Glendas
mother, then her medium, Madame Zenobia. Oh, yeah! The
place, it turns out, is haunted! This screwball comedy is one
wisecrack after another and proves once again that You
Cant Beat the House.
Premiere Performance
You Cant Beat the House by Pat Cook was first produced
on July 11, 2003, at the Festival Playhouse in Historic Olde
Town, Arvada, Colorado. It was directed by Charles Joseph
Ault with the following cast:
Merle - Charles J. Ault
Howie - Jim Hoover
Conrad Spears - John Kubin
Glenda Spears - Shelli Marks
Courtney Parfait - Juli Guyer
Officer Larraby - Arran Lappin
Lillian - Kristine Segura
Madame Zenobia - Donna Sweet Ault
Brittany Marie - Kimberly Horne
Fern Larraby - Jude Anderl

-3-
CAST OF CHARACTERS
(4 m, 6 w)
MERLE: An amiable but not very good burglar.

HOWIE: Merles partner, who thinks with his heart.
CONRAD SPEARS: Young married man, given to arguing.
GLENDA SPEARS: Conrads wife, a woman with a secret.
COURTNEY PARFAIT: A well-coifed real estate agent.
OFFICER MILO LARRABY: A not-too-bright police officer.
LILLIAN: Glendas pushy mother.
MADAME ZENOBIA: A wise-cracking spiritual medium.
BRITTANY MARIE: Conrads dumb secretary.
FERN LARRABY: Larrabys crabby mother.
Time: The present. Early evening.

Place: The living room of the Pattersons up-for-sale house.
SETTING
The setting for this little farce is the living room of a

somewhat upscale home, obviously in a nicer neighborhood.
There are paintings on the walls and large vases with flowing
ferns around the room. There are three doors utilized in this
floor plan. The first, or front door is located SL, which leads
outside. The second door, just off USC, leads to the kitchen.
SR of it is the closet. The third door, which leads to the
bedrooms, is located SR. The furniture consists of a large
couch, located DSL, which is book-ended by two small
tables. There is a large wooden buffet located against the
SR wall and a dinette set in the USR corner. The rest of the
room is furnished with other smaller tables, bookshelves and
knickknacks.

-4-
PROPS
Laundry bag with an article of clothing

Stack of flyers on the buffet
Business cards for Conrad and Courtney
Red bandanna for Howie
Purse with cell phone for Glenda
Purse for Lillian
Cell phone for Conrad
Dark glasses, handful of glitter, and a purse with a business
card and remote control for Zenobia
Briefcase and papers for Brittany
Tray of sandwiches
Paper bag
Audio cassette player
Gun, pen and pad for Larraby

-5-
ACT I
(AT RISE: No one is in the room. After a slight pause,
MERLE looks cautiously in through the SR door. After
casing the joint, he enters on tiptoe, carrying a large
canvas bag. He then looks out the SR door.)
MERLE: (Loud whisper.) Okay, come on in. (HE looks

around again. Then seeing that no one has entered, he
tries again, a little louder this time.) Howie! Get IN here! I
finally got that bedroom window open! Howie! (HE looks
out the door.) Where ARE you! Howie! (HOWIE casually
enters through the front door. MERLE, not seeing him,
continues.) Where did you go? It took some doing but I
did manage to persuade the window who was the boss
and availed myself of the interiors. Howie! Howie, you
moron, where have you - ? (He pulls his head back and
turns to HOWIE.) Whered you come from?
HOWIE: (Smiling.) Louisiana, originally.
MERLE: I mean howd you get in here?
HOWIE: (Indicating the front door.) Walked through there.
It werent locked.
MERLE: Why didnt you tell me that before I spent fourteen
minutes jimmying that bedroom window?
DO NOT COPY
HOWIE: Aw shoot, Merle, you always take such pride in
your work, I just couldnt bring myself to interrupt you.
MERLE: (Proud.) Thank you, Howie. (Hand on his
shoulder.) Nice to see that my artistry isnt wasted on
For Review Only

such as you.
HOWIE: (Looking at the room.) Is this a nice crib or what?
MERLE: (Walking around.) It is for a fact.
HOWIE: Look at those paintings! (THEY move to a
painting.)
MERLE: Always a sign of a respectable lodging, in my book.
Says a lot for the owners.
HOWIE: I used to be a painter, you know?
MERLE: Now thats a minor tidbit about your background I
never knew. A painter, huh? You any good?

-6-
HOWIE: Shoot, I could do this whole room in three hours,

two coats.
MERLE: Uh huh. (HE shakes his head as if trying to clear
it.) Now, its best we be about our business and take our
leave.
HOWIE: Whats first, do you think?
MERLE: (Hands the bag to HOWIE.) You check out in here
and Ill see whats available in the bedrooms.
HOWIE: Sounds like a plan. Hey, how come you brought
my laundry bag?
MERLE: Thats your laundry bag?
HOWIE: How come you think theres my shirts and trousers
in here? (HE opens the bag and holds it under MERLES
nose.)
MERLE: (Yanking HIS head away.) WHOA! (HOWIE
closes the bag.) You might decide against washing those
and opt for burying them instead. Look, just find the
silverware and whatever other marketable merchandise as
you can. Ill see where they keep the credit cards and
currency. (HE tiptoes out the SR door.)
HOWIE: (Drops the bag by the couch.) Ill give it my best
shot. (HE looks around the room.) Lessee If I was a
high-priced item now where would I reside? (HE moves to
a large plant. He then calls off.) What about the potted
plants?
MERLE: (Offstage.) No.
HOWIE: Theres mucho dinero in assorted decorative
foliage.
MERLE: I told you a hundred times! No ferns!
HOWIE: Whatever. (HE moves to the buffet.) Silverware,
come out, come out, where ever you are. (HE opens a
drawer.) Hm. Empty. (HE opens two more drawers.)
Theys all empty. (HE opens the bottom doors.) There
aint nothing in here at all. (HE closes the doors and finds
the flyers on top of the bureau.) Whats this? (HE reads
the flyer to himself.)
MERLE: This is a nice place, you know it?

-7-
HOWIE: (Nodding.) No kidding. Almost three thousand

square feet, with four bedrooms, a study and a two-car
garage.
MERLE: What?
HOWIE: Also, inside washer and dryer hook-ups, a butlers
pantry and a deck with landscaping and a hot tub.
(After a slight pause, MERLE sticks his head out the SR

door.)
MERLE: Where are you getting all that architectural data?

HOWIE: Right here on this flyer.
MERLE: What? (HE snatches the flyer and looks at it.)
HOWIE: Nice of them to give us a floor plan and all.
MERLE: Whered you find this?
HOWIE: Right there. (HE indicates the buffet.) Theys a
whole flock of them.
MERLE: (Looks out.) This house is for sale.
HOWIE: Well, it shouldnt stay on the market long with all
those accouterments. I mean, a butlers pantry and hot
tub - thats sweet.
MERLE: Did you hear me? The house is for sale. You
know what that means?
HOWIE: Foundations faulty?
MERLE: No.
HOWIE: Neighborhoods going down?
MERLE: No.
HOWIE: Rats in the attic?
MERLE: (Slaps HOWIE on the shoulder.) This aint a
game, you nimrod! It MEANS we just broke into a house
where nobody lives!
HOWIE: (Thinks on this for a medium pause. Finally.)
Oooohhhh!
MERLE: This is the house you cased? Didnt you notice it
was empty?
HOWIE: No. I just thought they were real neat.
MERLE: All this work for nothing. A whole evenings
planning and execution shot!

-8-
HOWIE: Well, we can always do my laundry. (MERLE

glowers at HIM.) I mean, while were already out and
everything.
(Just then the front door opens and CONRAD and GLENDA
enter.)
CONRAD: Now, Hon, this is the last one for tonight.

GLENDA: Im just as tired as you are.
CONRAD: Dont start in on me, this was your idea.
GLENDA: You want to buy a house too, dont blame me.
CONRAD: Im not blaming anybody, I - (THEY turn and
see MERLE and HOWIE.)
MERLE: (Uncomfortably smiling.) Hell-o.
GLENDA: Whore you?
CONRAD: Oh, Hon, use your head. Theyre the real estate
people.
MERLE: (Jumps on this.) Yes! Thats us. Were from the
real estate thing.
HOWIE: Uh ... yeah. Just about to do our laundry. (MERLE
elbows HOWIE.)
CONRAD: They said theyd have someone meet us here,
remember?
GLENDA: Hello.
MERLE: Sooo looking for a new house, are you?
HOWIE: (An aside to MERLE.) Lets get out of here and
now.
MERLE: Excuse us a moment, will you? Just look around
and talk amongst yourselves. Ill be right with you. (HE
pulls HOWIE over.)
GLENDA: This should be large enough.
CONRAD: (Pointing upwards.) Crown molding, thats a nice
touch.
MERLE : Look, we need to make out as though nothing is
amiss.
HOWIE: Why for?
MERLE: Else they get suspicious and call in the local fuzz.
They can describe us right down to our birthmarks, you
know.

-9-
HOWIE: I am stricken I didnt think of that. You amaze me

at times.
MERLE: (Points to the SR door.) Just so were on the same
page. Now, go back out that window and bring the car
around. Ill soft-soap these two yokels until you get back.
HOWIE: Im your man. (HE exits out the SR door.)
MERLE: (Moves to the OTHERS.) Now, where were we?
CONRAD: Well, I gave your company most of the
information over the phone. Oh. (HE pulls a card from his
jacket.) Im Conrad Spears and this is my wife, Glenda.
(HE gives his card to MERLE.)
GLENDA: Hi. Does the furniture come with the house?
MERLE: Well, it was here when we got here.
CONRAD: Thats odd. Youd almost think people were still
living here.
MERLE: Only if you didnt know any better. And we know
better now. (HE pockets the card.)
GLENDA: Say, whats the tax base in the neighborhood?
MERLE: Tax base?
CONRAD: And is that before or after homestead?
GLENDA: And what do the utilities run, on an average.
MERLE: (After a long pause.) Why dont you two look
around and Ill just check our home base to make sure I
can answer you with more alacrity.
CONRAD: (Suspiciously.) You dont sound like youre too
familiar with this house.
GLENDA: Yeah.
MERLE: Well, you see, I just got here. That is to say I was
just assigned to this particular property.
CONRAD: (Leans in to MERLE.) What can you tell us
about it?
MERLE: Uhm this house (An inspiration) This
house is almost three thousand square feet, with four
bedrooms, a study and a two-car garage.
CONRAD: (Impressed.) A study.
MERLE: It also has inside washer and dryer hook-ups, a
butlers pantry and a hot tub.
GLENDA: Wow. This would really suit us all right. All three
of us.

- 10 -
CONRAD: Your mother is not moving in with us.

GLENDA: Hon, its only fair. Weve been living with her for
the last two years and now shes looking to move herself.
CONRAD: We dont need to go into this in front of the real
estate agent.
MERLE: (Indicates the SR door.) Perhaps youd like to see
the bedrooms now?
CONRAD: Huh?
MERLE: A little privacy?
GLENDA: Yes, we would. (SHE shoots CONRAD a glare
and then exits.)
CONRAD: Cant live with em, cant live without em. (HE
rolls his eyes.)
MERLE: I wouldnt know, I just got here. (CONRAD exits
out the SR door.) Now, if Howie will just get here with the
car.
(HE moves to the front door. Just as he is reaching for the

doorknob, COURTNEY enters.)
COURTNEY: Oh, excuse me. I didnt know youd already

be here. I got here as soon as I could.
MERLE: And you are?
COURTNEY: (Hands MERLE her card.) Courtney Parfait,
World Wide Realty. And you are?
MERLE: Uh Conrad Spears. (HE pulls CONRADS card
from his jacket.) My card.
COURTNEY: So, how do you like the house?
MERLE: I just got here myself.
COURTNEY: It is a honey. And your wife?
(MERLE suddenly looks around.)
MERLE: Where?!
COURTNEY: I mean does she like the house? Say, where
is she, anyway?
MERLE: Oh, well, thats the thing, see. This house isnt
really for us.
COURTNEY: But you just got here; you said so yourself.

- 11 -
MERLE: And doing our best to leave.

COURTNEY: But its got everything you wanted. And more!
MERLE: It certainly comes well stocked with passersby.
COURTNEY: But the size is --
MERLE: Thats just it! We were looking for something
bigger.
COURTNEY: Bigger?
(MERLE ushers COURTNEY back to the front door.)
MERLE: So you see this one wont do at all. I do apologize

for getting you out at such an hour but --
COURTNEY: (Stopping.) Now, now, now, dont let that
bother you. One thing youll find out about me is I will not
take no for an answer.
MERLE: No?
COURTNEY: No. If its bigger you want, I have just the
house for you. Its over in the next block.
MERLE: Oh. Next block? Good! Why dont we meet you
there, then?
COURTNEY: Just go down to the corner and go north to the
next block. Thats Marcellus. Its the fourth house on the
left.
MERLE: Sounds perfect.
COURTNEY: I havent told you about it yet.
MERLE: You havent?
COURTNEY: No.
MERLE: Oh, so I'm supposed to take no for an answer but
you dont?!
COURTNEY: What?
MERLE: You go on over and well be right there.
COURTNEY: Fine. And if youre not there in fifteen
minutes, Ill come find you.
MERLE: Fifteen minutes should be plenty of time.
COURTNEY: (At the door.) Probably just as well about this
house, though. Eventually, I was going to have to tell you
about it.
MERLE: Tell what about it?

- 12 -
COURTNEY: Well, its just an old legend but we have to be

honest about these things.
MERLE: Hangs you up a lot, doesnt it?
COURTNEY: In this case, yes it does. See, everyone
around here thinks its haunted.
MERLE: Huh?
COURTNEY: The house.
MERLE: Its haunted?
COURTNEY: Thats what they say. But we dont believe in
that sort of thing. Anyway, Ill be at 1142 Marcellus.
MERLE: Ill get the missus and well be there.
COURTNEY: Ill leave the porch lights on. Ta-ta. (SHE
exits.)
MERLE: I didnt think shed ever leave. (HE looks around.)
Haunted, huh? (From the bedrooms GLENDA screams.)
I bet Im going to hear about this.
(GLENDA rushes out the SR door, followed by CONRAD.)
GLENDA: (To CONRAD.) Well, he just scared me, thats

all!
CONRAD: Now, Hon, settle down. Im sure theres a
rational explanation. And he - (HE turns to MERLE) - I
never got your name?
MERLE: Huh? Oh, its Courtney. Courtney Parfait.
(HE takes the card from his pocket and gives it to

CONRAD.)
CONRAD: (Looks at the card.) Im sure your name is

Courtney?
MERLE: (Head bowed.) I know. (HE looks up.) I had to
wear bangs until I was twelve. Who screamed?
GLENDA: I did. It was because of your assistant. (SHE
points to the bedrooms.) Why was he climbing through a
window?
MERLE: He was? I mean, he WAS! (HE crosses to the SR
door.) We have to check out these houses very
thoroughly and he was inspecting the the

- 13 -
CONRAD: Windows?
MERLE: No.
GLENDA: Walls.
MERLE: No.
CONRAD: Security system?
MERLE: Thats it. Saaay, you are a shrewd buyer, arent
you?
GLENDA: Well, he scared me, is what he did!
MERLE: I am so sorry.
(HOWIE enters through the SR door.)
HOWIE: Who screamed?

MERLE: Were past that, okay?
HOWIE: Maybe you are! (HE fans himself.) It scared me.
CONRAD: Shes fine now, dont worry.
GLENDA: I am not fine! Why do you always speak for me
before you speak to me?
CONRAD: Hon, please dont make a scene. Were taking
up a lot of this gentlemens time and I know that (HE nods
in the direction of MERLE.) Courtney Parfait is a very
busy man.
(HOWIE, hearing this, looks behind himself. MERLE taps

his shoulder and points to himself, mouthing Courtney.)
GLENDA: Well, thats his job, now isnt it?

CONRAD: I know but -
GLENDA: Then let him do his job! And lets get on with it
and look over this house.
CONRAD: Just what I was about to say.
GLENDA: Ah ha! But I said it first.
CONRAD: (Throws HIS hands up.) Fine!
HOWIE: (To MERLE.) You ALWAYS come up with some
great names. (HE thinks.)
MERLE: Not now.
CONRAD: (Moves to MERLE.) May we see the rest of the
house. Unless your assistant (To HOWIE.) - what IS his
name, anyway?

- 14 -
MERLE: Him? Oh, hes -
(Interrupting MERLE, HOWIE invents his own name.)
HOWIE: Percival Von Shortcake! (HE then smiles proudly

and looks at MERLE. Merle glares back at him.)
CONRAD: Shortcake?
MERLE: Yes, he well, its an old family name.
(Confidentially to CONRAD.) Where do you think they got
the name for the dessert in the first place? (HE indicates
HOWIE.)
CONRAD: Oh, I see.
MERLE: Goes back for years, to an old grandfather.
HOWIE: Indeedy-doody. And if they ever catch him hell go
back for years as well.
GLENDA: Sir, I did notice the bedrooms are a bit small. Is
there another house you can show us?
CONRAD: Glenda, you got us here!
GLENDA: I know! But Mother needs a lot of room.
CONRAD: How about Wyoming?
MERLE: You know, she may be right, Conrad. I just
happen to know of another house, just a block over. 1142
Marcellus.
GLENDA: Can we see it? Is it open?
MERLE: Theres a light burning on the porch as we speak.
(HE moves the couple to the SL door.) In fact, Ill call
ahead and have one of our other agents there to meet
you.
CONRAD: You sure its not too much trouble?
MERLE: No trouble at all; I wont raise a finger.
GLENDA: Good. Lets go and have a look-see.
CONRAD: Glenda!
MERLE: Besides, this one probably wouldnt suit you, now
that I think of it.
(THEY are at the door and MERLE opens it.)
GLENDA: Why not?

- 15 -
MERLE: Nothing to concern yourself about. The thing is,

rumor around the neighborhood is its haunted.
(As if thunderstruck, GLENDA closes the door and looks at

MERLE with wide eyes. CONRAD rolls his eyes.)
GLENDA: (Smiling.) Haunted?!

MERLE: Whad I say?
CONRAD: (Disgusted.) Here we go!
GLENDA: Thats wonderful! (SHE moves back to the couch
and looks around.) I had heard that you real estate people
had to divulge that sort of information. I never thought
wed actually see one.
CONRAD: Glenda, we dont have time now to go into all
that -
GLENDA: Is it just one spirit or are there several entities?
MERLE: Oh, people keep showing up here all the time. (To
CONRAD.) Now, if we hurry we can see that other house
before we have to close up for the night.
CONRAD: Glenda, did you hear the man?
MERLE: Then we can meet you there in our car.
HOWIE: I need to tell you about that, Merle. (MERLE
quickly turns to HOWIE and waves him NO!) Courtney.
GLENDA: I know Mother would love to hear about THIS
DO NOT COPY
house!
CONRAD: I am not going though this again. Lets go!
GLENDA: But wont you even listen?
CONRAD: Im starting the car right now! (HE exits out the
SL door.)
For Review Only
MERLE: (Yells after CONRAD.) And well be right there!
(HE moves to HOWIE.) Lets go out the back.
HOWIE: (Watching GLENDA.) Just a second.
MERLE: Not a moment to lose, Mrs. Spears. Its a
sumptuous house; wont be on the market long. I know
youll just love it. (HE exits out the SR door.)

- 16 -
(GLENDA now sits slowly on the couch and begins to cry

softly. HOWIE watches her a moment. Then, slowly, he
moves over and sits next to her. He pulls out a large, red
bandanna from his pocket and offers it to her. She looks up,
smiles and takes the kerchief.)
GLENDA: Im so sorry about this. Im not normally so

emotional.
HOWIE: Thats okay. (A beat.) Old movies do it to me.
(GLENDA looks up from the bandanna and smiles again.)
GLENDA: Make you cry?

HOWIE: (Nods and leans in.) Dont tell anyone.
GLENDA: (Indicates the front door.) Hes just so and the
thing is oh, I shouldnt be telling you this.
HOWIE: Now, now, Im just trying to help.
GLENDA: Well, I just found out Conrad doesnt even
know yet. The thing is (SHE turns to face HOWIE full-
face.) Im going to have a baby.
HOWIE: What? (HE begins to tear up.)
GLENDA: Yeah. My doctor just told me today!
HOWIE: (Takes the bandanna from HER.) A little baby?!
(HE wipes his eyes.)
GLENDA: And I was going to tell Conrad tonight when I
thought the time was right.
HOWIE: With their cute little hands and itty-bitty feet.
GLENDA: Thats really the reason I felt we needed a bigger
house.
HOWIE: Aww, that is so sweet!
GLENDA: You cant tell anyone now, see?
HOWIE: I wont! (HE blows his nose.)
(MERLE looks through the SR door.)
MERLE: Psst! (HOWIE looks around.) Psssssst!

HOWIE: (Looks at MERLE.) Oh, its you! I thought the
couch had a snake in it. (HE puts his bandanna in his
pocket.)

- 17 -
MERLE: Can we go?

HOWIE: (Rises quickly and moves to MERLE.) Shes
shes shes (MERLE slaps HIM on the back.)
shes crying.
MERLE: Shes married. Now, can we abscond from the
premises whilst the absconding is good? You have the
car around back, right?
HOWIE: Thats what I wanted to tell you. You know how it
usually takes six minutes to four hours to start the car?
MERLE: (Long-suffering.) Yes?
HOWIE: Didnt have that problem this time.
MERLE: It started right up?
HOWIE: (Shaking his head.) It was towed.
MERLE: WHAT?!
GLENDA: (Looks over at MERLE.) Is there a problem?
MERLE: (Genially.) Nothing to concern yourself about, my
dear. (HE pulls HOWIE closer to him.) It was towed?
(GLENDA tries to compose herself and pays no attention
to MERLE and HOWIE.)
HOWIE: For a fact.
MERLE: Its not there?!
HOWIE: That, sad to say, is what Ive been trying to tell you.
MERLE: It couldve been stolen.
HOWIE: (Thinks about this.) Ooh, wouldnt that be
something? We stole it from a guy who stole it and now
somebody stole it from us. That car was born to be hot.
MERLE: I dont think we have time to muse about ironies
right now. How do you know it was towed?
HOWIE: I know it was towed because I saw them tow it.
MERLE: Wonderful!
HOWIE: Glad youre taking it so well! (MERLE glares at
HIM.) Oh, thats some more of that irony stuff, isnt it?
MERLE: No, thats blatant sarcasm. Now were stuck afoot
with your laundry.
HOWIE: Merle? (HE looks at GLENDA.) Cant we do
something about her?
MERLE: Such as?
HOWIE: I hate to see a woman crying.

- 18 -
(MERLE looks over at GLENDA and then back at HOWIE.)
MERLE: Did you give her a handkerchief?

HOWIE: I did.
MERLE: (A beat.) Well, Im fresh out of ideas.
(Outside, we hear a car horn honk. GLENDA jumps to her

feet.)
GLENDA: There he goes! Hes always in a hurry!

MERLE: Well, maam, sometimes flight is of the essence. I
know Ive thought about it several times just tonight alone.
GLENDA: Am I keeping you? I really dont mean to be such
a burden.
MERLE: The thing is - (HOWIE tugs at MERLES shirt.) - we
are at your service. (Reluctantly, HE moves to GLENDA.)
Now, what can I tell you about the house? (The TWO sit
on the couch.)
GLENDA: Is it really haunted?
MERLE: Haunted? I could tell you stories that would curl
your hair. (HE melodramatically looks away.) No, maybe I
shouldnt! (HE bites his fist.)
GLENDA: I know Mother would love to see this place. May
I call her to come over?
MERLE: Uhm .
GLENDA: She can be here in minutes. She just lives about
a mile away. (SHE takes her cell phone from her purse.)
A little too close, for Conrads liking.
MERLE: (Looking around.) I dont suppose it will be a
problem....
GLENDA: Thank you so much! (SHE dials the phone.)
HOWIE: (Pats MERLES shoulder.) This is a sweet thing
youre doing.
MERLE: Thank you, Shortcake. (HE rises and moves to
HOWIE.)
GLENDA: (Into the phone.) Hello, Mother? You wont
believe this! We are looking at a house and youll never
guess. Its haunted!

- 19 -
MERLE: While were doing the lonely-hearts bit, keep in

mind we need to find some transport.
HOWIE: Not until we can get these two lovebirds back
together.
MERLE: You have got to stop reading those romance
novels!
HOWIE: A well-rounded man has to have a hobby.
GLENDA: Its not far. 1117 Prufrock. Oh, youll know it -
Conrad is sitting in our car in the driveway!
MERLE: One thing about you that I have never understood
is your inability to see the whole picture. The idea, here, is
for us to beat a hasty retreat.
HOWIE: I understand the retreat part but I dont see it being
so hasty. Why are we in such a hurry?
MERLE: Lest certain authorities, not prone to your soft-
hearted ways, get wise. And the last thing we need right
now is to be caught here in some romantic tangle and they
come knocking at yon front door.
HOWIE: And just when have they ever knocked?
(There is a KNOCK at the front door.)
HOWIE & MERLE: (Musically.) Who is it?
(The door opens slowly and Officer LARRABY enters.)
LARRABY: I beg your pardon? Im officer Milo Larraby and

I need to make an identification.
(HOWIE leans on the couch, with his legs spread in the

standard search position.)
HOWIE: I want to see my lawyer!
(MERLE slaps HOWIE on his shoulder and turns to

LARRABY.)
MERLE: Identification?

- 20 -
LARRABY: Yes. (HE looks out the door and nods.) Get in
here!
(Still fuming, CONRAD enters.)
CONRAD: I cannot believe this!

GLENDA: Mother, I have to go - Conrad just got arrested.
Get here as soon as you can! (SHE closes her cell phone
and deposits it in her purse.)
CONRAD: Were you talking to your mother again?
GLENDA: (Rises and moves to CONRAD.) Yes and dont
make such a big deal about THAT, too.
LARRABY: You know this man, then?
GLENDA: Do I know him? Of course, I know him. Hes the
one whos always in a hurry.
(MERLE and HOWIE start tiptoeing to the SR door.)
CONRAD: I am not always in a hurry! Can we go?

GLENDA: I rest my case.
(LARRABY is now standing between them.)
LARRABY: You two are married?

CONRAD: Why do we always have to argue in front of
strangers?
GLENDA: Oh, its not just strangers, we argue in front of
everybody! Strangers, friends, policemen, dogs -
CONRAD: We dont argue all that much!
GLENDA: We came here to see this house and now I want
to see the house. I even called Mother to come see it.
CONRAD: You got your mother coming over here?!
LARRABY: Youre married.
GLENDA: Oh, sorry. Yes, we are, Officer. We came over
here because were in the market to buy a house. Mr.
Parfait here was showing it to us. (SHE turns to see
MERLE and HOWIE are just about at the SR door.) Mr.
Parfait?

- 21 -
MERLE: Uhm, yes, thats correct, Officer. (HE moves to

LARRABY, hand outstretched.) And on behalf of World
Wide Realty, I cant tell you how good it makes me feel
that you are on your toes. (HE shakes LARRABYS hand
vigorously.) One thing we pride ourselves on is our
wonderful neighborhood security.
LARRABY: Well, I just happened to be in the
neighborhood
MERLE: And took time out to make sure there were no
criminals nor crime afoot. Thats a good man!
LARRABY: You hawk houses?
MERLE: We represent properties on a buy or lease
contingency, if thats what you mean.
LARRABY: (Looks around.) You know, my mother has
been looking for a house.
HOWIE: Hah?
GLENDA: We saw this house first!
CONRAD: I dont believe this!
LARRABY: (To MERLE.) Hows your drainage?
MERLE: I sleep with a humidifier.
LARRABY: Do you have a card?
MERLE: (Feels HIS pockets.) Certainly, I - (To CONRAD.)
I mustve given you my last card.
CONRAD: (Pulls the card out.) Here you are. (HE hands it
to LARRABY and turns to GLENDA.) Your mother is
coming over here?
LARRABY: Thank you . (HE looks at the card.) Your first
name is Courtney?
MERLE: So?
LARRABY: Unusual first name.
MERLE: And yours is Milo?
LARRABY: (Hands the card to MERLE.) My mothers
always had a lot of cats. Kinda ran outta names before
she got to me.
MERLE: (Taking the card.) As good an explanation as any.
CONRAD: And just why did you call your mother?
GLENDA: Why dont you like her? Shes always so nice to
you!
CONRAD: She calls me Stupid!

- 22 -
GLENDA: Only when you act like that. Besides, you know
how much shes wanted to find a genuine haunted house
to investigate.
LARRABY: Dowhat? Whad she say? Dowhat?
GLENDA: This house. Its haunted.
LARRABY: (Backs up a few steps.) It IS? (HE puts his
hand on his gun and looks around.)
GLENDA: (To CONRAD.) And what are you so worried
about?
CONRAD: Im worried about us buying a house and having
your mother live with us and its the same thing as what
we have now!
LARRABY: (To MERLE.) You got any houses that aint
haunted?
MERLE: No, we have a ghost installed in all our properties.
Some people want more closet space, some want a
headless horseman. You go with the market.
LARRABY: (Still looking around.) Ask a silly question ....
HOWIE: If I may interject a tad, just how DO you investigate
a haunted house?
LARRABY: Yeah, Id kinda like to hear this myself.
CONRAD: You dont want to know. (HE moves to the
couch and sits sullenly.)
GLENDA: Oh, there are many ways to investigate, detect
and, if necessary, exorcise spirits. And there are many
types of spirits as well. Theres poltergeists, theres full
apparitions, theres roaming entities -
LARRABY: Well, I swan.
MERLE: Speaking of which, and not that Im trying to tell
you your duties, shouldnt you be out patrolling the area?
LARRABY: Huh? Oh, yeah, I guess I better. (HE moves to
the front door with MERLE.) The last thing we need is for
someone to turn in a missing person report on a missing
policeman. (HE laughs broadly at his own joke. MERLE
joins in briefly.)
HOWIE: (To CONRAD.) Now, ghost-hunting, that sure
sounds like something a couple could do together.
CONRAD: Right. If it was only a couple!

- 23 -
(HOWIE looks at GLENDA and thinks.)
HOWIE: Hmm .
LARRABY: (Opens the door and turns.) Oh, one other
thing. Theres a flyer out right now about a couple of
suspicious characters.
MERLE: Huh?! A couple of sus-
LARRABY: I dont remember just now much about them, but
you keep your eyes out for any odd goings-on around
here. Any weird characters show up, you give me a buzz
on the horn.
MERLE: Youve seen everybody weve seen.
LARRABY: And whos to say whats odd these days, right?
(HE smiles.) Ghosts! (HE stops smiling and looks out.
He draws his gun and exits. MERLE closes the door.)
MERLE: (Quickly to HOWIE.) Were going to have to move!
HOWIE: (Sprints over to MERLE.) I got an idea!
MERLE: We havent had this many eye-witnesses since that
time we woke up in a store window.
HOWIE: Was that a party or what?
MERLE: Idea?
HOWIE: Oh yeah. Listen, you work on the husband and Ill
work on the wife.
MERLE: What?
HOWIE: I know we can do this. Find out whats eating them
and then we smooze them back together.
MERLE: Maybe they have too many people butting into their
lives.
HOWIE: Follow my lead!
(HE trots over to the couple. MERLE reaches out for

HOWIE but misses.)
MERLE: Wait!
HOWIE: (To the OTHERS.) As I was saying, you two have
so much in common.
CONRAD: You were saying that?
GLENDA: We do?

- 24 -
HOWIE: Now, now, you cannot fool me - I have an eye for

these sorts of things. I saw how Conrad looked at you
when you werent looking.
GLENDA: (Looks curiously at CONRAD.) How?
HOWIE: Why, its as though he was a schoolboy and you
were his first crush.
GLENDA: Conrad! Did you?
CONRAD: Hey, its a bulletin to me, too.
(HOWIE looks at MERLE.)
MERLE: (After a beat.) In our line of business we have to

read people, if you get my drift. Goes with the territory.
And you, little lady ....
GLENDA: Me? What about me?
MERLE: (Indicating CONRAD.) Why, you just light up when
he comes into the room.
GLENDA: You mean Id like to light up the room.
(HOWIE gently ushers GLENDA over to the couch and

places her next to CONRAD.)
HOWIE: (As HE moves HER.) Now, now, what were you

just telling me? Not two minutes ago on this very couch?
CONRAD: (Looks at GLENDA.) Yeah, just what were you
telling him?
GLENDA: (Turns away from CONRAD.) I dont remember.
HOWIE: Now, is that any way to be? Just like I was telling
whats-his-name. (HE nods toward MERLE.)
MERLE: Courtney.
HOWIE: Courtney there. We like to match our houses with
our people.
MERLE: So I guess you could call us matchmakers. And if
we didnt think you two belonged together, we certainly
wouldnt be showing you this lovely property.
CONRAD: (Mellowing.) Well, I would like to find a place
(HE places a hand on GLENDAS shoulder.) that youd
be happy with.

- 25 -
GLENDA: (Mellowing herself.) You you would? (SHE

looks back at CONRAD.)
CONRAD: I just wish we could, you know, work together
instead of -
GLENDA: (Turns to CONRAD.) Instead of always fighting?
CONRAD: We dont always fight. (HE looks at the BOYS.)
Really, we dont.
GLENDA: No, I guess we dont.
(THEY look at each other and slowly kiss. HOWIE smiles

and puts his head on MERLES shoulder.)
HOWIE: Aww, now thats what I like to see.

MERLE: I am so tickled for all concerned. (HE shakes his
shoulder and HOWIE moves his head away.)
HOWIE: Shall we?
(MERLE and HOWIE again tiptoe to the SR door.)
CONRAD: (Breaking the kiss.) Im sorry I yelled.

GLENDA: Me, too.
CONRAD: I just lose my temper when I shouldnt. I swear I
dont know why we argue.
DO NOT COPY
(The front door opens and LILLIAN enters.)
LILLIAN: Okay, lets trot out them ghosts!
(CONRAD suddenly jumps to his feet.)

For Review Only
CONRAD: Now I remember!
GLENDA: Conrad! (SHE rises.)
(On hearing this, HOWIE stops and MERLE collides with

him.)
HOWIE: Now what?

MERLE: Another complication, I fear! (HE leans on his
elbow against the doorjamb.)

- 26 -
LILLIAN: I got here as soon as I could. Now! (SHE drops

her purse on the couch and looks around.) Lets see what
sort of spirits were dealing with. (SHE cracks her
knuckles and then holds out her hands as if feeling the
aura and moves around the room.)
CONRAD: (After a slight pause.) Oh, will you look at this?
She looks like a zombie looking for a piano!
GLENDA: Will you stop complaining, please?!
LILLIAN: Yes! Yes, I can feel something. There is definitely
a presence in the room. (SHE moans as she walks.)
Ooooooh OoOOOOoooo.
HOWIE: Merle, do you see - ?
MERLE: I see her, I see her! (LILLIAN moans again.)
Sounds like she needs a good antacid.
(LILLIAN has now moved to MERLE and HOWIE and stops.)
LILLIAN: Whore you?

GLENDA: (Moves to HER mother.) Mom, this is Mr. Parfait
and Mr. Shortcake. Theyre the Realtors.
LILLIAN: Sound more like desserts.
HOWIE: Well, you are what you eat.
LILLIAN: Really? I had rump roast for lunch.
HOWIE: There you are.
(CONRAD laughs at this. GLENDA hits him on the

shoulder.)
GLENDA: Will you stop?!

LILLIAN: So, you two know about this house? The history?
The hauntings?
MERLE: Yes, and thats just the Hs.
CONRAD: Can we leave here and let these poor men go on
about their business?
(MERLE nods vigorously.)

- 27 -
LILLIAN: I just knew youd take that attitude, Conrad

Spears. A skeptical mind is not conducive to the
paranormal. Now, I need to feel the other rooms.
MERLE: Dont you mean see the other rooms?
LILLIAN: My good man, the eyes are the easiest of the five
senses to fool. Many entities present themselves not to
these (Indicates HER eyes.) but in other ways. Perhaps to
our sense of touch, to our sense of smell.
HOWIE: I think I stepped in something on the way in the
house.
LILLIAN: Oh hohoho. (SHE playfully slaps HOWIE on his
cheek and drops her smile.) Quaint. (SHE turns to
GLENDA.) Madam Zenobia will be able to find what were
looking for, when she gets here.
CONRAD: What?
MERLE: Whos - ?
LILLIAN: Madam Zenobia? Shes the leading authority on
the paranormal. Well, in the tri-county area. I called her to
join us here.
CONRAD: Shes coming over here, too?!
HOWIE: (To MERLE.) Remember when this place was
empty?
MERLE: Oh, how I cherish those carefree moments.
LILLIAN: First, we need to find the heart of the house.
HOWIE: The what?
LILLIAN: Where the spirits are the most active. Ill need to
see the other rooms. (To GLENDA.) Have you been in
the bedrooms yet?
GLENDA: (Moving to her MOTHER.) Ill show you, Mom.
Through here. (SHE exits out the SR door.)
LILLIAN: Now, dont any of you come in here. No matter
WHAT you hear! Cant have you disrupting my
paranormal connections.
HOWIE: Maybe you ought to get cable?
(LILLIAN shoots HIM a look, sighs deeply and then exits.)
CONRAD: You see what Im up against?

- 28 -
MERLE: (Looking through the SR door.) And you live with

her?
CONRAD: I thought it would be for just a little while, you
know. Until I got on my feet.
MERLE: And now that youre up and running, the mother-in-
law is running with you?
CONRAD: Exactly!
(There is a KNOCK at the door.)
MERLE: (To HOWIE.) Get that, will you, Percival? (HOWIE

doesnt move.) You!
HOWIE: Oh yeah! Right uh, Courtney! (HE moves to
the front door.)
(Just then a cell phone RINGS.)
CONRAD: Oops, thats me. (HE pulls a cell phone from his
jacket and opens it.) Hello?
(HOWIE opens the front door and COURTNEY enters.)
COURTNEY: Oh, hello! Who are you?

HOWIE: (Suspiciously.) Who wants to know?
COURTNEY: I do. Im Courtney Parfait.
(This astounds HOWIE.)
HOWIE: Wow! (HE takes a step back.) Whatre the odds?!

MERLE: (Sees COURTNEY.) Uh oh! (To CONRAD.)
Excuse me a sec. (HE then sprints over to COURTNEY.)
COURTNEY: I beg your pardon?
CONRAD: (Into the phone.) What? No, Im not at home.
HOWIE: Isnt that always the way, though? You never hear
a name and then its everywhere!
MERLE: I was just coming to find you!
HOWIE: You wont believe what her name is!
MERLE: (Shoves HOWIE over.) Shut up. (To
COURTNEY.) I am so sorry we havent left here yet.

- 29 -
COURTNEY: As I can see. (SHE points to HOWIE.) Whos

he?
HOWIE: Pick a name.
COURTNEY: Huh? (To MERLE.) Conrad, whats going on
here?
MERLE: I can explain everything but I may get a headache.
CONRAD: No! Right now? Okay, then, youll have to come
over here.
HOWIE: (To MERLE.) Wait, youre Conrad?
MERLE: Yes! (Broadly, for the benefit of COURTNEY.) As
I told you when you just arrived here, remember?
HOWIE: I think Im losing my place.
COURTNEY: (Sees CONRAD.) And whos he?
MERLE: Hes well, hes the reason were still here. Its
uh its uh
HOWIE: (Thinking quickly.) His car. Our car. A car!
MERLE: His car. Thats it! These two were having car
trouble and stopped here for help. He is speaking to his
auto club right now.
CONRAD: (To MERLE.) Whats this address again?
COURTNEY: 1117 Prufrock.
CONRAD: Thank you. (Into the phone.) 1117 Prufrock.
Right. See you. (HE closes the cell phone and deposits it
into his jacket.)
HOWIE: (Smiling.) Well, that worked out nicely.
COURTNEY: Now, I wanted to make sure you were clear
on the directions? Will you be leaving here soon?
MERLE: Oh, you dont know how much I want to leave here!
CONRAD: (To MERLE.) Courtney?
MERLE & COURTNEY: Yes?
MERLE: (To COURTNEY.) I think he means me. Now, you
run along and well be right there!
COURTNEY: You promise? Remember, I dont take no for
an answer.
HOWIE: Yeah? What do you take it for?
MERLE: Let me get these two on their way and then well
see that house.
COURTNEY: Very good. (SHE moves to the door.)

- 30 -
MERLE: (Sprinting over to CONRAD.) Something I can do

for you?
CONRAD: I just got a call from my secretary. She has
some papers I need to see right away so I gave her this
address.
MERLE: Shes coming over here, too?
CONRAD: It does seem to be getting crowded, doesnt it?
MERLE: Shame we arent pickpockets.
CONRAD: (Laughs.) Yeah. (Catching HIMSELF.) Huh?
COURTNEY: One thing. (SHE calls out.) Conrad?
MERLE & CONRAD: Yes?
MERLE: (To CONRAD.) I think shes talking to me.
CONRAD: I thought she said Conrad.
MERLE: Have I told you about the acoustics in here?
CONRAD: No.
MERLE: Well talk. Course, you wont be able to
understand me. (HE sprints over to COURTNEY.) Yes?
COURTNEY: Did you, by any chance, see the owners
here?
MERLE: No, but Im sure theyll show up. Everyone else
has!
COURTNEY: Their names Patterson. They were supposed
to be here.
MERLE: No, there was no one here when we got here.
They just sort of swarmed when we arrived.
COURTNEY: Well, have them call me if you see them.
(MERLE ushers COURTNEY to the door.)
MERLE: Fine, fine. Now, off to that house on -

COURTNEY: 1142 Marcellus.
(Just then a long MOANING sound emerges. EVERYONE,

except CONRAD, freezes for a moment.)
CONRAD: Here we go!

COURTNEY: Oh no. Its started!
HOWIE: Whats started?

- 31 -
COURTNEY: This is how is always begins. Ill (Points

outside.) be at the other house. (SHE exits quickly and
shuts the door.)
CONRAD: (Yells at the SR door.) Will you stop that?!
HOWIE: You know, if we can get that couple away from the
mother for a little while, I just know theyd be all right.
MERLE: Will you stop that? Now we have his secretary
coming over here. Not to mention that Madame Zenobia!
If Ive mentioned it once, Ive mentioned it a thousand
times - you never get involved with your clientele. See
what you started?
HOWIE: Hey, I wasnt the one that informed them the place
is haunted.
MERLE: (Reluctantly agrees.) Point and match.
(GLENDA enters through the SR door.)
GLENDA: (To CONRAD.) Will you stop shouting?

CONRAD: Well, shes driving everyone nuts! Walking
around in there and moaning!
GLENDA: What?
CONRAD: Cant you see this is all a lot of hokum?
GLENDA: Wait. What moaning?
CONRAD: Just then. We heard her all the way out here.
GLENDA: Mom wasnt moaning!
(MERLE and HOWIE look at each other.)
HOWIE: (Hugs MERLE.) Hold me.

CONRAD: Just then? Lillian wasnt moaning?
GLENDA: No. And I was standing right next to - (SHE
realizes.) You heard moaning?! (SHE calls through the
SR door.) Mom! Moaning!
(MERLE, with HOWIE still hugging him, moves to

CONRAD.)
MERLE: Did I hear her correctly? They werent the ones

making that that noise?

- 32 -
CONRAD: So she says.

GLENDA: Oh, so youre calling me a liar now!
CONRAD: I didnt say that.
(LILLIAN enters through the SR door.)
LILLIAN: Something?
GLENDA: Mom! We got moaning in the living room!
LILLIAN: I knew it. (SHE moves around the room.) This
room! This is the heart!
MERLE: (To HOWIE.) You want to let go of me now?
HOWIE: Ill take it under advisement. (MERLE extricates
himself from HOWIES grasp.)
CONRAD: So, the house is creaking a little.
GLENDA: You just wont believe in anything, will you?
CONRAD: Glenda, I believe in us. Doesnt that count for
anything?
GLENDA: (To LILLIAN.) Oh, listen to him! And just after he
called me a liar!
LILLIAN: Men! (CONRAD shakes his head and sits on the
couch again.) Sounds just like your father used to.
GLENDA: Now, Mom, Dad did put up with a lot. Before, you
know, he lost his mind.
MERLE: (Swallowing.) He lost his mind?! (To HOWIE.)
These are the people you want to help?
LILLIAN: He didnt lose his mind! We just sort of had to
commit him.
CONRAD: Sort of! He thought he was a vacuum cleaner!
HOWIE: Well, it couldve been worse.
CONRAD: Yeah? You didnt have to smell his breath!
GLENDA: So, hes in a rest home.
LILLIAN: I still say hes pretending.
CONRAD: Wonder why?
(There is a KNOCK at the SL door.)
HOWIE: Now whos knocking? (HE moves to the SL door.)

MERLE: Im pretending I didnt hear any knocking.
LILLIAN: Are there any other rooms?

- 33 -
GLENDA: Just the kitchen. (SHE moves to the UPS door.)

CONRAD: And the dungeon, dont forget the dungeon. (HE
waves his hands eerily at LILLIAN.) Where they tortured
hundreds of people by dragging them out at night and
showing them houses!
LILLIAN: I told Glenda she shouldve married Steve!
HOWIE: (Opens the front door.) Yes?
(ZENOBIA throws a handful of sparkle powder on HIM and

enters. HOWIE looks at the powder on his shirt.)
MERLE: Who is it, the FBI?

HOWIE: Not unless they trick or treat now. She threw stuff
on me!
ZENOBIA: (Wearing dark glasses.) You are now protected,
my son!
HOWIE: What is it, like Scotchgard?
LILLIAN: (Moves to ZENOBIA.) Madame Zenobia! I am so
glad youre here. Ive found -
(ZENOBIA puts up a hand and LILLIAN stops moving and

talking.)
CONRAD: (After a beat.) Wow! Can you come over to our

house and do that?
ZENOBIA: (In a broad accent.) Dont tell me anything.
(SHE moves into the room.) Dont say a word! I will tell
YOU! (SHE moves around as if feeling the aura.)
LILLIAN: (To HOWIE.) This is great! This is great! Youll
love this! She can tell us everything because she is in
contact with the spirits. (SHE moves her face closer to
HOWIES.) They talk to her!
HOWIE: (To ZENOBIA.) Well, ask them how do I get this
powder out of my shirt!
MERLE: It always comes back to your laundry, doesnt it?
ZENOBIA : Yes, there is activity in this house. Much
confusion, much deceit. (SHE sees MERLE.) You! There
is more about you than we know, than youre telling us!

- 34 -
MERLE: Well, my hobbies are skydiving and fossil hunting.

And if you see my late Uncle Carl, tell him he still owes me
sixteen bucks.
ZENOBIA: No not that. You (SHE points slowly to
HOWIE) and he! You do not enter houses as we do.
Something off here . You climb through windows?
HOWIE: Uh oh!
GLENDA: Wow! That is amazing! Shes right!
LILLIAN: What? What do you mean?
GLENDA: (Points to HOWIE.) He did come in through the
bedroom window!
CONRAD: Something about checking the house alarms.
ZENOBIA: Could be. That could be. But there is more
here! (SHE moves to the couch and takes off her
sunglasses.) There is DISTRESS! DISMAY! AGONY!
CONRAD: Thats me.
GLENDA: Conrad, take a pill!
ZENOBIA: This house this house is a meeting place, a
gathering place! Oh, there is much activity here!
MERLE: We do draw a crowd.
LILLIAN: Then this room, it is the heart of the house?
ZENOBIA: Yes. (SHE puts a hand on LILLIANS shoulder.)
And you sensed that! You truly have the gift!
LILLIAN: (Looks at CONRAD.) I have the gift!
CONRAD: Give it back!
ZENOBIA: (ZENOBIA then moves over to HOWIE.) But
wait! Lillian, you are not the only one. (SHE sizes up
HOWIE.)
HOWIE: Dont tell me my socks dont match again.
MERLE: Thats what you get for dressing in the dark.
HOWIE: We do everything in the dark.
(In one sudden move, ZENOBIA places her hand on

HOWIES head.)
ZENOBIA: Oh! Ohh! This is amazing!

HOWIE: What, am I it?
ZENOBIA: You! (SHE steps back.) You are also gifted!
You are in contact with the spirit world!

- 35 -
MERLE: Him? He has trouble making a phone call.

ZENOBIA: Silence! (To HOWIE.) You have the power!
You do not know this?
HOWIE: Well, I havent checked my messages today ....
LILLIAN: (Moves to ZENOBIA.) Enough about him. IM the
one with the real talent, isnt that so, Madame Zenobia?
Isnt that what you told me?
ZENOBIA: Hah? (SHE turns to LILLIAN.) Oh! Yes! Yes,
of course. You are my best student!
HOWIE: (Aside to ZENOBIA.) She pays you, right?
ZENOBIA: Of course. What do you think; ghosts give me
their Mastercards?
LILLIAN: What is our next step? Should we exorcise the
spirits?
CONRAD: Great! She wants Casper to do deep knee
bends.
(Again, we hear MOANING from another part of the house.)
GLENDA: What was that?

ZENOBIA: (Moves to the kitchen door.) It calls! It beckons!
It cries out!
LILLIAN: We must do something, we must help it!
ZENOBIA: I had better look in here before I decide on our
DO NOT COPY
next plan of action. (To MERLE.) You! Window climber.
MERLE: In the flesh. (HE looks around.) Apparently, one
of the few here who can say that.
ZENOBIA: Is this the kitchen?
CONRAD: Why dont you ask a spirit?
For Review Only
GLENDA: (Sits next to CONRAD.) Hon, if you cant say
something nice about someone, dont say anything at all.
CONRAD: What difference does it make what I say?
Theyre dead, arent they?
LILLIAN: Yes, but we dont want to hurt their feelings. (To
ZENOBIA.) Lets just say theyre post-alive.
MERLE: Sounds like a mailbox for spooks.
(CONRAD laughs at this. GLENDA swats him on the arm.)

- 36 -
CONRAD: (Points to MERLE.) He said that!

MERLE: (Moving to HOWIE.) Listen, why dont you all
conduct your investigation while we check on another
house in the area.
HOWIE: What?
MERLE: Im sure they wont mind our leaving, Percival!
HOWIE: But -
ZENOBIA: (Points to MERLE.) NO! You mustnt leave!
MERLE: Hah?
ZENOBIA: (Moves to MERLE.) No, your leaving is no good.
The loss of your aura would disturb the spiritual realm.
We have been contacted! And it is because of those who
are here now that the deceased has chosen to reveal
itself.
MERLE: Couldnt I just leave my aura here and come back
for it later?
ZENOBIA: Besides, it is not you thats called. (SHE looks at
HOWIE.) It is your colleague.
HOWIE: Me?
LILLIAN: (Raises HER hand.) Uhh -
ZENOBIA: (Quickly.) And her, and her!
CONRAD: (Rises.) Well, I doubt very much if my aura will
be missed.
GLENDA: Conrad, no!
CONRAD: Look, hon, I would like to buy a house - our
house - just for you and me.
LILLIAN: Was that directed at me?
CONRAD: Dont you see we need some time alone?
LILLIAN: It was directed at me.
ZENOBIA: Dont have to be a mind reader to get that.
(LILLIAN shoots HER a look.) But it helps!
MERLE: (Aside to HOWIE.) Now, hurry! (HE moves to the
SR door but HOWIE grabs him.)
HOWIE: No, where are you going?
GLENDA: We can talk about this later.
CONRAD: No, we need to talk about this now.
LILLIAN: (LILLIAN moves to the couple.) And this is the
thanks I get?
MERLE: We need to vamoose and hastily.

- 37 -
HOWIE: But those two -

MERLE: You really think theres anything we can do for
them?
LILLIAN: I give you a roof over you head, like the good
mother I am, and this is what I get.
CONRAD: Lillian, I do appreciate it, but its time we began
our own lives.
GLENDA: You mean start a family?
HOWIE: (Hears this.) Hang on!
CONRAD: Thats another conversation; lets deal with one
thing at a time.
GLENDA: Okay, but hurry.
CONRAD: What?
ZENOBIA: (Moves to the others.) Dont you see? It is not
you thats saying this. It is the evil spirits in this house.
They are talking through you.
CONRAD: Well, Im used to it. (HE indicates LILLIAN and
GLENDA.) These two usually talk through me. Its like Im
not there!
MERLE: Oh, that must be a wonderful feeling. (There is a
KNOCK at the front door.) Now what?
(HE opens the door and BRITTANY enters, carrying a

briefcase.)
BRITTANY: Excuse me, is Conrad Spears here?

CONRAD: Oh, geez, I forgot all about her.
GLENDA: Oh, great! (To CONRAD.) Dont tell me you
called her to come here?
CONRAD: No, shes psychic!
ZENOBIA: Really? Does she have a medium? Wheres my
card? (SHE goes through her bag.)
BRITTANY: (Moves to CONRAD.) Conrad, I have those
contracts right here.
LILLIAN: (To ZENOBIA.) Will her aura upset the spirits?
ZENOBIA: Hey, whats one more aura among friends?
(SHE pulls out a card and hands it to BRITTANY.) Hello.
Have you ever thought about the afterlife?

- 38 -
BRITTANY: All the time; we sell insurance. (To CONRAD.)

Who is this person?!
GLENDA: Why is she here?
CONRAD: I figured I might as well get some business done.
(HE indicates to BRITTANY to give him something. She
places her briefcase on the couch and opens it. She then
takes out some papers and hands them to him.) Mr. Blake
wants this right away.
LILLIAN: Just do it quietly so it wont disturb us.
BRITTANY: Whatre you doing?
LILLIAN: Were trying to contact another spiritual plane.
BRITTANY: Really? How often do they take off?
LILLIAN: (To BRITTANY, after a beat.) You have your
name on all your clothes, dont you.
CONRAD: Lets go into the kitchen we were can work.
ZENOBIA: Not in there! I havent investigated it yet.
CONRAD: Fine. Well find a room in here then! Brittany?
BRITTANY: Coming, Conrad! (HE opens the SR door and
SHE exits. He follows her off.)
GLENDA: I dont like her.
ZENOBIA: I could feel that from here.
HOWIE: You could feel that from Hong Kong!
ZENOBIA: (Wags a finger at HOWIE.) You do have the
power. I think it is time we talked.
LILLIAN: But, Madame Zenobia, what do we do now?
ZENOBIA: You, my child, you are ready!
LILLIAN: I knew it! (A beat.) Ready for what?
ZENOBIA: To solo! (SHE moves to the UPS door.) You get
to investigate the kitchen!
LILLIAN: (Almost swooning.) I get my own room.
ZENOBIA: And you - (SHE moves to GLENDA and takes
her hand.) - you go with her.
GLENDA: Me? But why - ?
LILLIAN: You said I could solo and -
ZENOBIA: And if you go into a trance? Who will be there to
hear what you say? (SHE ushers GLENDA and LILLIAN
to the UPS door.) Spirits dont chew their spinach twice
you know.

- 39 -
GLENDA: Well, I need to check out the kitchen, anyway.

See if its big enough.
ZENOBIA: Good! You look for cabinet space and you (SHE
looks at LILLIAN.) look for ectoplasm.
LILLIAN: I better get a jar! (SHE exits out the UPS door,
followed by GLENDA.)
ZENOBIA: (Turns to MERLE and HOWIE.) And now, you
two! (SHE points DS. MERLE and HOWIE move DS at
the same time as ZENOBIA.) What is the meaning of
this?
MERLE: Well, you couldve K-Oed me with an ostrich
feather when you walked in.
ZENOBIA: (Confidentially.) Aint it a hoot!
HOWIE: Clara, you look wonderful! (HE playfully shoves
HER.)
ZENOBIA: Isnt this a getup? (Indicates her outfit.)
Surprised to see you guys as well, I might add.
MERLE: Where did you come up with this Madame
Zenobia routine?
ZENOBIA: Hey, you think anybody is going to investigate
the spiritual world with somebody named Clara Boyles?
MERLE: And all this flimflam works?
ZENOBIA: Hey, remember what our patron saint P. T.
Barnum said: theres one born every minute. And every
blessed one of them is willing to pay for a little contact with
the great beyond. A little moan, a little shudder and Im
rolling in the happy cabbage. Now. Whats your scam?
Whatre a couple of second-story types such as
yourselves doing here? And dont give me that real estate
jive; thats the oldest con in the book.
HOWIE: Im afraid this is all my doing.
MERLE: We broke in to rob the place.
ZENOBIA: But its up for sale?
MERLE: A point which became evident much too late for
our purposes. (HE glares at HOWIE.)
HOWIE: Listen, Merle, Clara here can help us!
ZENOBIA: How? And how much? Forget the how, just
answer the much.

- 40 -
MERLE: Howie here has once again allowed his heart to

rule his head.
HOWIE: Its that young couple. I know theyre in love but
they just dont see how much, thats the how much.
MERLE: And you do?
ZENOBIA: Hey, the spiritual stuff is my gig.
HOWIE: And thats where you can help us. Just go through
some of your patented hocus-pocus and then concentrate
on Glenda and Conrad.
ZENOBIA: I get the cue. (SHE goes into a trance.) Oh!
The spirits are drawn here by only one thing. That which
they lack, which they have lost and cannot retrieve. And it
is strong here, now. And that emotion is (Places HER two
hands under her chin.) love. (SHE drops the trance.)
Something like that, Howdy Doody?
HOWIE: Perfect. But theres one thing you ought to know.
MERLE: Just what I was about to tell her. (To ZENOBIA.)
The cops have already been here!
HOWIE: Not that -
ZENOBIA: The police?
MERLE: Something about some suspicious characters
theyre looking for, which is the main reason I wish to
skedaddle from the premises.
ZENOBIA: (Getting panicky.) Hey, Im already hiding out
from certain boys in blue. (SHE moves to the UPS door.)
Sorry, boys, all bets are off!
HOWIE: What?!
ZENOBIA: We are blowing this crib as of now. (SHE pulls
out a small remote from her purse.)
MERLE: Great. (HE and HOWIE move to ZENOBIA.)
HOWIE: And just when I wanted to do something nice for a
change.
MERLE: Well adopt a stray cat, okay? (HE looks at
ZENOBIA.) Whats that?
ZENOBIA: (Holds up the remote.) Dont you love this age
we live in? Watch. (SHE clicks the remote. Suddenly, we
hear MOANING coming from the kitchen.)
MERLE: You got the house rigged?
HOWIE: How?

- 41 -
ZENOBIA: I sneaked into the kitchen and planted the tape

player before I made my grand entrance through the front
door.
HOWIE: But what good will that - ?
(Just then LILLIAN and GLENDA bolt out the UPS door and
slam it behind them.)
LILLIAN: (After a slight pause.) I think I may have made it

mad!
ZENOBIA: YES!! Yes, I can feel its wrath! We have to
evacuate and now!
GLENDA: (Moves to the SR door.) Ill get Conrad.
ZENOBIA: Gently, my dear. We dont want to upset the
afterworld any more than we already have.
GLENDA: Of course. (SHE opens the door and yells.)
CONRAD! Get out here!
LILLIAN: (Apologizing.) She used to be a cheerleader.
Madam Zenobia, I am so sorry I agitated the spirits!
ZENOBIA: Its not your fault, Lillian. Some of those guys
are touchy!
(CONRAD enters through the SR door.)
CONRAD: What IS it?

GLENDA: Were leaving.
CONRAD: Fine with me!
(BRITTANY enters through the SR door.)
BRITTANY: Did I miss something?

GLENDA: You miss so much, dear.
BRITTANY: (Mournfully.) I know, I know.
CONRAD: Why are we leaving all of a sudden?
LILLIAN: I have angered the spirits!
CONRAD: Well, if anybody could do it-
ZENOBIA: I cannot be responsible for anyone beyond this
point. Please, we must all leave the premises! Before its
too late!

- 42 -
LILLIAN: How will we know when its too late?

ZENOBIA: I can read the signs.
(There is a slow KNOCK at the front door. EVERYONE

freezes until the knock stops.)
HOWIE: And theres one now.

LILLIAN: (Visibly shaking.) Awfully polite for an angry
ghost.
(Slowly the front door opens and LARRABY looks in.)
LARRABY: Oh, good, youre all still here.
(HE enters. ZENOBIA quickly turns away and pretends to

be feeling the couch.)
ZENOBIA: Nice fabric this, isnt it?

MERLE: Now whats wrong, officer?
LARRABY: I didnt want to alarm you, I just wanted to tell
you when you leave you may see a lot of police cars in the
neighborhood.
HOWIE: Police cars?
MERLE: A lot?
LARRABY: Yeah. Remember, I said we were looking for a
couple of suspicious characters? Well, turns out that the
boys towed in a stolen car earlier this evening.
HOWIE & MERLE: No kidding.
LARRABY: Yeah, and right here in the neighborhood. Its
only a matter of time now before they show! And when
they do, well nab em!
(After a beat, ZENOBIA again goes into a trance and

moves around the room, feeling the aura.)
ZENOBIA: Oohhhh! OoOOOoooohhh!

LILLIAN: What is it, Madame Zenobia?
ZENOBIA: You ever heard people say The spirit moves
us?

- 43 -
LILLIAN: Yeah.
ZENOBIA: Now, they want us to stick around!
(EVERYONE looks at everyone else as ZENOBIA continues

her roaming and moaning. BLACKOUT.)
End of Act I

- 44 -
ACT II
(AT RISE: It is a few minutes later. CONRAD and
BRITTANY are now sitting at the dinette, going through
some papers. GLENDA is standing next to CONRAD.
LILLIAN is DSL next to ZENOBIA, who is rubbing her
temples with her fingers. Sitting on the couch is LARRABY
and MERLE. As the LIGHTS come up, everyone is
speaking at once.)
CONRAD: These are a mess! We cant send out these

contracts with all this scribbling on them!
BRITTANY: But theyre due by tomorrow! And if I have to
retype these, itll certainly take longer than tomorrow!
GLENDA: (Same time as CONRAD.) Why didnt you take
care of this before we came here? I asked you and you
told me that you didnt have anything on for tonight. Thats
specifically why I thought it would be a good time to see
this house. But, once again, you let work come ahead of
us!
LILLIAN: (Same time as CONRAD.) But if Ive angered the
spirits, why are we staying?
ZENOBIA: Im thinking, Im thinking!
LILLIAN: What?
ZENOBIA: I mean, sometimes we are called upon to ease
the spirits anger.
LILLIAN: And send them safely on their way?
ZENOBIA: And us with them, I hope.
LARRABY: (Same time as CONRAD.) And then another
time, I was out on patrol well, not on patrol, actually but
out buying dental floss and here was these two thugs
trying to steal my hubcaps. Well, they werent really thugs,
more like two old ladies. But there they were, with a
crowbar, trying to pry them off the wheels. (MERLE sighs
deeply as he listens in a bored fashion.) Now, Im a nice
guy by nature but Im also a police officer! Well, thats
what I told them!

- 45 -
(Just then HOWIE enters from the kitchen, carrying a tray of

sandwiches.)
HOWIE: Okay, who wanted the tuna fish?

CONRAD: I had the tuna fish.
HOWIE: Right. (HE hands a sandwich to CONRAD and
another to BRITTANY.) And you had the pimento?
BRITTANY: Uh huh.
(MERLE hears this and turns to watch HOWIE.)
LILLIAN: (Hand up.) I had a tuna fish!

HOWIE: Coming. (To GLENDA.) You dont want anything?
GLENDA: (Arms folded.) No, thank you!
(HOWIE moves to LILLIAN.)
LARRABY: (Hand also up.) And I had the bagel with peanut
butter! (MERLE looks at HIM.) You know, I always
wondered; how can you tell when a bagel gets old? I
mean, theyre already hard.
(HOWIE hands a sandwich to LILLIAN.)
DO NOT COPY
HOWIE: Madame Zenobia?
BRITTANY: (To CONRAD.) Why dont we send in the
contract and say the final version will follow?
CONRAD: Youll have to type that one.
BRITTANY: (Realizes.) Oh, yeah.
For Review Only
ZENOBIA: What do you have?
HOWIE: Pimento, tuna and one bagel with peanut butter.
Thats spoken for.
ZENOBIA: The cop, right?
(MERLE rises and moves to HOWIE.)
HOWIE: How did you know?

LILLIAN: (Mouth full.) She has the power.

- 46 -
(ZENOBIA takes a sandwich.)
MERLE: (To LILLIAN.) Excuse us. (HE pulls HOWIE over.)

Whatre you doing?
HOWIE: I got hungry! And you ought to see that frigerator.
I dont know who the Pattersons were but they sure left in
a hurry.
MERLE: This is just great! Youre hawking sandwiches
while I have to sit and listen to Wyatt Earp regale me with
his memoirs!
(Just then a car horn HONKS outside.)
GLENDA: Now, who?!

LARRABY: (Jumps up.) Oh, I forgot! Mother! (HE rushes
to the front door.) Coming, Mother! (HE stops and rushes
back over to HOWIE.)
MERLE: Your mothers out sitting in your car?
LARRABY: She hates for me to go out at night alone. (HE
grabs the bagel from HOWIES tray.) Excuse me, ladies.
LILLIAN: (Smiles at HIM.) Oh, go right ahead, officer. (SHE
giggles.)
MERLE: So she goes out with you on patrol?
LARRABY: Nobody else will! (HE again rushes over to the
front door.)
MERLE: Now, Madame Zenobia, shouldnt someone be
attuned to the spirits?
ZENOBIA: (Examines the sandwich.) Of course, I knew you
were going to say that. Lillian?
LILLIAN: You want me to go in the kitchen and -
ZENOBIA: Just go listen to the door. And let us know what
you hear.
LARRABY: (Yelling out the door.) Stop honking that horn,
Mom! Come on inside! (HE holds up his bagel.) They
have food!
LILLIAN: But I thought the heart of the house was here in
this room.
ZENOBIA: (Indicates the kitchen.) Certainly, but that might
be the brain.

- 47 -
HOWIE: Wouldnt that be the stomach?

ZENOBIA: Hey, man, youre on my turf.
HOWIE: I stand corrected.
ZENOBIA: (Sharply, to LILLIAN.) Go!
LILLIAN: Of course! (SHE trots to the kitchen door and
listens to it. On her way over, she leaves the remainder of
her sandwich on the dinette table.)
CONRAD: Hon, well be through here in a minute.
GLENDA: What do I care? (SHE moves to the couch.)
BRITTANY: (Confidentially to CONRAD.) I dont know if
youve noticed but she sounds like shes upset.
CONRAD: Say, you are paying attention!
BRITTANY: (Smiles.) Thank you.
MERLE: (To ZENOBIA.) Okay, troops, what do we do now?
ZENOBIA: We cant leave, not right now, anyway.
HOWIE: Not with that dragnet going on outside.
LARRABY: (Still at the door.) Mother? MOTHER! Roll
down the window!
CONRAD: (To BRITTANY.) Just ink in the changes and Ill
have a look at it.
BRITTANY: Ill do the best I can.
CONRAD: Thats what Im afraid of.
BRITTANY: Huh?
CONRAD: (Rises.) Just do it. (HE moves to the couch.)
LARRABY: Dont play with that! I said come on in here!
Right! (HE shuts the door.)
MERLE: Lets just sit tight. As long as Andy of Mayberry
there is with us, the other cops wont be coming to this
house.
CONRAD: Hon, Im sorry about all this. You know how Mr.
Blake is.
GLENDA: Well -
CONRAD: Look, I know how much this means to you. It
means a lot to me, too. You know I want our own place.
LILLIAN: I can hear you!
ZENOBIA: (Points to LILLIAN.) Listen to the door!
LILLIAN: Sorry! (SHE hits the door with her head and then
rubs it.)

- 48 -
GLENDA: I guess Im just too anxious. (SHE puts her head

on CONRADS shoulder.) And they say you never buy the
first house you look at.
CONRAD: Thats right, they do.
GLENDA: Oh, lets go. We can look again some other time.
CONRAD: Really? You want to leave?
MERLE, HOWIE & ZENOBIA: WHAT?
(CONRAD and GLENDA rise.)
CONRAD: Were going home. This is obviously not the

house for us.
HOWIE: You cant leave now!
GLENDA: Why not?
(Just then FERN enters through the front door.)
FERN: What was you yellin at me?! Is that how I raised

you?
HOWIE: We have company!
FERN: I was trying to tell you - (SHE sees the bagel.)
Whered you get that? (SHE snatches it from LARRABY.)
I cook and cook and cook for you and here you go out and
snack?
LARRABY: Hey, they offered.
FERN: (Moves to the kitchen.) Go try to raise children.
(SHE sees LILLIAN.) Whatre you doing?
LILLIAN: Listening to the kitchen.
FERN: Uh huh. Excuse me, Ill just go have a conversation
with the living room. (To LARRABY.) You still have your
gun?
ZENOBIA: (Moving around the room.) Oooh.
OooOOOOoooh! I can feel them now!
MERLE: (To HOWIE.) Here we go again.
FERN: Whats she coming down with?
LILLIAN: Shes in contact with the spirits of this house.
Shes a medium.
FERN: (Looks at ZENOBIA.) Her? A medium? In her
dreams.

- 49 -
CONRAD: Brittany, were going back to our house.

BRITTANY: But Im not through figuring out the spelling yet.
GLENDA: Wait. Shes coming over to our house?
CONRAD: Hon, Mr. Blake -
GLENDA: (Throws HER hands up.) Mr. Blake! Mr. Blake!
Thats all I ever hear.
FERN: Whats their beef?
LARRABY: How should I know, Im not a tour guide.
FERN: (Waving the bagel at her son.) Dont you use that
tone with me, young man!
LARRABY: Yes maam. (FERN places the bagel on the
dinette table.)
LILLIAN: No one can leave now. Madame Zenobia is about
to make an announcement!
CONRAD: How can you tell?
ZENOBIA: (Stops moaning.) Im about to make an
announcement!
LILLIAN: See? (SHE strikes a pose.) I have the power!
ZENOBIA: We will all contact the spirits! The time has
come. We hold an exorcism!
MERLE: Thats good, thats good.
ZENOBIA: You like it?
CONRAD: Well, you can hold it without us. Were leaving.
GLENDA: Oh no, were not.
CONRAD: Now what?
GLENDA: If your secretarys coming home with us then we
might as well stay!
CONRAD: I give up. (HE sits again.)
FERN: (Looking around.) Say, this is a nice house.
LARRABY: And its for sale.
FERN: It is?
LARRABY: And that guy over there is a real estate agent.
(HE waves.) Mr. Parfait?
MERLE: What?
LARRABY: My mother is interested in seeing the house.
HOWIE: (An aside to MERLE.) She wants to see the
house, the cops mother wants to see the house.
MERLE: Ive had problems breaking IN to a house before
but this the first time I had problems breaking OUT again!

- 50 -
LILLIAN: (Flirting with LARRABY.) Youre awfully nice to

your mother.
LARRABY: Well, she threatens me a lot.
LILLIAN: Are you just as nice to your wife?
LARRABY: Oh, Im not married.
FERN: (Mournfully.) No, hes not.
LILLIAN: (Leans in to LARRABY.) Now, thats interesting.
ZENOBIA: (Moves to the dinette.) Okay, we need everyone
over here.
BRITTANY: Do I have to move?
ZENOBIA: No, thats okay, we need a dummy.
BRITTANY: Oh, like Bridge?
ZENOBIA: Okay. (To the OTHERS.) Come on, come on,
lets go. (SHE looks at the table.)
HOWIE: (To GLENDA and CONRAD.) Over here, you two.
This might be fun.
CONRAD: I dont know ....
HOWIE: You two can sit together. (HE leans in.) You
know, an exorcism is a good excuse to hold hands.
MERLE: (Hearing this, shakes HIS head.) I have got to
burn those romance novels of his.
ZENOBIA: (Picks up the bagel.) Will you look at this table; it
looks like the PTA had a meeting.
LILLIAN: (To LARRABY.) And you can sit next to me.
LARRABY: Maybe I ought to call the station house first.
FERN: Why, they never call you. Does this place have
copper plumbing?
HOWIE: What do you say?
CONRAD: Fine with me. (HE looks at GLENDA.) Hon?
(HE holds out his hand and GLENDA takes it.)
ZENOBIA: Can somebody do something with all these
sandwiches?
MERLE: (To HOWIE.) Oh boy! Clean up on table one?
HOWIE: On it! (HE rushes over to the table.)
ZENOBIA: I need everyone to sit around the table and hold
hands. (SHE takes a chair.) Ill deal - I mean, Ill conduct
the exorcism.

- 51 -
(EVERYONE gravitates to the table. HOWIE picks up the

bagel and sandwich and also some papers.)
BRITTANY: Hey, thats mine!
HOWIE: Oh, sorry! (HE looks at the paper.) You

misspelled insurance.
BRITTANY: Again?!
ZENOBIA: You went to school in one of those short busses,
didnt you?
BRITTANY: (Hands to HER face.) Wow!
GLENDA: (To CONRAD.) One can only wonder why you
keep her on.
CONRAD: Now, whats that mean?
FERN: (To MERLE.) Hows your plumbing?
MERLE: I sleep with a humidifier. (To HIMSELF.) Isnt this
where I came in?
GLENDA: I just mean shes not the best secretary in the
world is all.
CONRAD: Can we not go into that right now?
(HOWIE exits into the kitchen with the tray and sandwiches.)
FERN: I mean this house!

LARRABY: Mom is looking to move. She lives with me right
now.
FERN: Wrong again, Skeezix. You live with ME right now.
LILLIAN: Aw, thats so sweet.
CONRAD: Wait, theres not enough chairs.
ZENOBIA: Okay, wait. (SHE strikes a pose as if
concentrating.) I see I see everyone moving back over
there. (SHE points to the couch.)
CONRAD: I dont believe this!
(The GROUP moves, grudgingly, back over to the couch

area.)
GLENDA: Theres not enough chairs over here, either.

ZENOBIA: So, well stand. Itll be like a spiritual buffet.

- 52 -
CONRAD: Can some of us sit?

ZENOBIA: No. (CONRAD sits.) Sure.
(GLENDA and CONRAD are next to each other on the

couch. LILLIAN sits next to GLENDA. )
FERN: Right, let an old lady stand, why dont ya.

LARRABY: Oh, Mom! Im sorry. Just a second. (HE looks
around.)
LILLIAN (Rising.) Here, she can have my seat.
FERN: (Suspiciously, to LILLIAN.) Im watching you!
(SHE sits on the end of the couch, next to CONRAD.

LILLIAN moves next to LARRABY and smiles at him.)
MERLE: (An aside to ZENOBIA.) I think the policeman has

an admirer.
ZENOBIA: Waitll I get through with them - theyll elope!
MERLE: Think thats a good idea?
ZENOBIA: Always a good idea to keep a cop dizzy.
BRITTANY: (Standing behind the couch.) Ill stand here.
GLENDA: (Dryly.) Were thrilled.
(HOWIE enters from the kitchen.)
FERN: Whatre we doing, anyway?

LARRABY: Were exorcising spirits.
FERN: How do you exercise sitting down?
LARRABY: Not exERcising, exORcising.
FERN: (Bluntly.) Sorry I never learned how to spell!
LARRABY: Its not that, Mom, it means getting something
out of your house.
FERN: (Glaring at LARRABY.) Oh, I sure want to learn how
to do that
HOWIE: (To ZENOBIA.) Where do you want us?
ZENOBIA: Where do you want to be?
MERLE: How about Denver?
ZENOBIA: Stand over there. (SHE points behind the
couch.) Howie, be ready to take over if I nod to you.

- 53 -
HOWIE: And do what?

ZENOBIA: You want to help out that couple, you get to be
the one the spirit invades.
MERLE: Him?
HOWIE: Ill do what I can.
MERLE: Well, dont overdo it.
HOWIE: I wont.
MERLE: And dont start a fire like last time.
(MERLE and HOWIE dutifully move behind the couch.)
HOWIE: Now, how did I know that was a fireworks factory?

Dont worry, Ill be subtle.
ZENOBIA: Now, I want everyone to just relax. Clear your
minds. Think of nothing.
BRITTANY: Ill try. (SHE concentrates hard. GLENDA
looks up at her and giggles.)
CONRAD: Hon, be nice.
ZENOBIA: Now, I shall endeavor to contact the tortured
spirits. (SHE puts her index fingers to the sides of her
forehead.) Oh, spirit. Spirit from the other-world! Speak
to us. Make your presence known!
CONRAD: Eeeny, meeny, chili-beany, the spirits are about
to speak! (GLENDA elbows him.) Ow!
ZENOBIA: Oh, angry spirit! Let us help you! (SHE puts one
hand in her coat pocket.) Make yourself known. (Again,
MOANING sounds.) Yes! Yes, speak to us! (SHE looks
at HOWIE.) Make yourself known now! (SHE nods.)
(The MOANING stops suddenly and HOWIE immediately

starts yelling and writhing his way to the front of the couch.)
HOWIE: Oh! Its got me! Its got me! OooOOOOH!

MERLE: (Rolling HIS eyes.) Subtle, he says.
(LARRABY and LILLIAN hug each other. FERN looks on

horrified, as does BRITTANY.)

- 54 -
HOWIE: I can feel the spirit! (HE clutches his throat.) Its
taken over my entire body! It It (HE falls to the
floor)Oh!
FERN: I had a cat that used to act like that.
LARRABY: Mom, you have seventeen cats; sooner or later
one of them is bound to go off.
ZENOBIA: (Moves to HOWIE.) Hello? (SHE looks down at
HIM.) Can you hear me? I am speaking to the angry
spirit; can you hear me?
LILLIAN: Talk louder.
BRITTANY: (Wide-eyed.) Yeah, it may be long distance.
(CONRAD laughs at this and GLENDA elbows him.)
GLENDA: Hon, be nice, remember?

HOWIE: Ohh! Ugh! Ugga-ugga-ugga -
FERN: (A bit alarmed.) Thats a spirit? Of what?
MERLE: (Mournfully.) Sound like a 92 Dodge I used to
own.
ZENOBIA: Am I speaking to the spirit? Speak! SPEAK, I
say!
(HOWIE suddenly sits up and looks out.)
HOWIE: Oh, yes. YES, I am a spirit! I am a tortured soul,

doomed! DOOMED to wander aimlessly!
ZENOBIA: (Places HER hands over HOWIE.) Rise. Rise
UP! (As if operating a puppet, SHE raises her hands and
HOWIE stumbles to his feet. Several PEOPLE gasp.)
LILLIAN: (To LARRABY.) This is so frightful. Im sure glad
that I have someone like you here to protect me.
LARRABY: Yeah, but who do I have?
MERLE Quiet!
ZENOBIA: Am I speaking to the spirit of the house?
HOWIE: (Still staring out.) You are.
ZENOBIA: Yet you have made yourself known to us.
HOWIE: I have come here because of one thing. One thing
has drawn me out. That thing which I can no longer have
in the afterlife.

- 55 -
ZENOBIA: And, pray tell, what is this one thing?

HOWIE: (Mechanically, turns to HER.) That one thing is
love.
ZENOBIA: Love?
HOWIE: Love. That one thing has made me act this way.
FERN: Sure its not a hair ball?
LARRABY: Mom!
FERN: Thats what it was with the cat!
HOWIE: Oh, I can feel so much love here tonight! (HE
moves to the couch.) And how I miss it so.
LILLIAN: Hes coming over here!
ZENOBIA: And from what source do you feel this love?
HOWIE: Here! (HE indicates those on the couch.)
LILLIAN: Why why I believe he means us! (SHE looks at
LARRABY.)
FERN: You?
LARRABY: (Swallowing hard.) Can we get a second
opinion on that?
HOWIE: You two. (HE reaches out for CONRAD and
GLENDA.) You have called me here tonight.
GLENDA: Us?
CONRAD: Hah?
HOWIE: Your love for each other. (HE reaches out for
GLENDAS hand and helps her to her feet.) You have that
DO NOT COPY
for which we all yearn.
CONRAD: Wait a minute here - (HE jumps to his feet.)
HOWIE: You are life itself. You are romance. You are
passion and compassion. You are love and in love.
CONRAD: I think this has gone on far enough! I cant
For Review Only
believe -
HOWIE: (Turns to CONRAD.) Do you deny it?
CONRAD: Well, no.
HOWIE: That you love this woman deeply.
CONRAD: Of course!
GLENDA: You do?
CONRAD: Hon, you know I do!
GLENDA: Its awfully nice to hear, though.
(HOWIE joins HER hand with CONRADS.)

- 56 -
HOWIE: And this is the real power.

CONRAD: (Looking deeply into GLENDAS eyes.) Yes.
Yes, it is.
HOWIE: BUT!
ZENOBIA: But? Did he say But?
MERLE: Oh, I hope not.
HOWIE: There is an obstacle in the path of true love!
Someone stands between you!
(HOWIE turns to look in Lillians direction. Unfortunately, it is

also in Ferns direction. LILLIAN bows her head. Before she
can speak, though, FERN sits bolt upright.)
FERN: Hes coming for me! The spook is coming for me!
ZENOBIA: What?
LARRABY: Mom, I dont think -
FERN: Keep it away! Keep it - (Hic.) Make it - (Hic.) Oh!
(SHE suddenly has an attack of hiccups.)
LILLIAN: What is the matter with the woman?
LARRABY: Its those hiccups again; she gets them
whenever she gets excited. (HE kneels next to FERN.)
CONRAD: Hon, I am so sorry about all the arguing.
GLENDA: Me, too.
FERN: Ill be (Hic.) all right! (Hic.) Oh, me! (Hic.)
LILLIAN: Cant you do something?
CONRAD: Its just all this stuff about ghosts and spirits I
dont buy.
GLENDA: But, hon, you dont know everything?
CONRAD: No, but this is a lot of hooey!
GLENDA: (Turns away.) And here we go again!
HOWIE: (Sees this.) No!
LARRABY: Mom! Take it easy!
FERN: Im (Hic.) trying! (Hic.)
LARRABY: (Gets to HIS feet.) Only one thing will work. We
need to put a bag over her head. She breathes into that
and it stops em every time! (HE rushes to the kitchen.)
There must be one in here! (HE exits out the kitchen
door.)
GLENDA: You just cant leave well enough alone.

- 57 -
CONRAD: You dont seriously believe in all this, do you?

GLENDA: I have an open mind.
ZENOBIA: This is the last time I take on assistants.
FERN: Oh, this (Hic.) is the worst! (Hic.)
BRITTANY: Somebody find a bag and - (SHE finds the
laundry bag next to the couch.). Heres one!
(BRITTANY picks up HOWIES laundry bag and shoves it

over FERNS head. FERNS body trembles for a few
seconds and then suddenly goes limp.)
CONRAD: Glenda, dont start in arguing again.

GLENDA: Me? You think I started this?
HOWIE: Listen to those from the afterlife and recognize that
love that -
GLENDA: I didnt start the argument.
LILLIAN: (Moves to GLENDA.) No, she never starts an
argument! Shes like me.
CONRAD: And thats your proof?!
HOWIE: - that you alone possess and the power of that love
to-
GLENDA: Now, of course, you start right in on Mother.
CONRAD: Cant we stick to one argument at a time?
GLENDA: Oh, so now you admit we both started the
argument?
HOWIE: - get you through life with all its trials and
tribulations! (To ZENOBIA.) I dont think theyre listening.
ZENOBIA: (Arms folded.) Oh, you got that, did you?
MERLE: Now, do you see how hopeless this all is? You
cant argue with people who argue!
HOWIE: (Moves to MERLE.) And just what does that
mean?
MERLE: I told you this was hopeless!
CONRAD: I didnt say anything about who started the
argument, I said we were arguing!
LILLIAN: But it takes two to have an argument!
HOWIE: You didnt say it was hopeless, you said we
shouldnt try.
MERLE: Same thing.

- 58 -
HOWIE: Not trying is the same as hopeless?
(BRITTANY, noticing that FERN has stopped moving, looks

at the others.)
BRITTANY: Hey, her hiccups have stopped.

MERLE, HOWIE, GLENDA and LILLIAN: Shut up!
(ZENOBIA moves over to FERN and looks at her.)
CONRAD: Dont tell her to shut up.

GLENDA: Sure, take her side. You always take her side!
CONRAD: I dont always take her side.
GLENDA: And why you dont fire her, I dont know.
LILLIAN: Oh, I know.
CONRAD: (Looks at LILLIAN.) Oh, you do?
LILLIAN: I have the power!
ZENOBIA: (To BRITTANY.) Whats say we get this thing off
her.
BRITTANY: (Brightly.) What if she starts hiccuping again?
ZENOBIA: Well put it back. (SHE sits next to FERN.)
(BRITTANY and ZENOBIA remove the bag from FERNS

head. ZENOBIA tries to revive FERN by rubbing her wrist.)
HOWIE: At least, I tried.

MERLE: Yes, you did but look what it did.
HOWIE: And if I hadnt tried.
MERLE: It wouldve turned out just the same.
HOWIE: Ah ha!
MERLE: Ah ha? What does that mean?
HOWIE: It means we wouldnt have known that if I hadnt
tried!
MERLE: (Confused.) I think I forgot what were arguing
about.
ZENOBIA: Hello? Can you hear me?
FERN: (Coming to.) Oh. Oh my heavens! (Still sitting,
HER upper body sways back and forth. ZENOBIA
steadies her.)

- 59 -
CONRAD: I cant believe we came here to look at a house

and this is how it turned out.
GLENDA: You sound surprised.
CONRAD: Yes. I didnt know then your mother was going
to show up.
LILLIAN: And so what if I did?
CONRAD: This is getting nowhere. (HE folds his arms and
turns away.)
GLENDA: I agree! For once! (SHE turns away and folds
her arms.)
ZENOBIA: Are you all right? Can you hear me?
FERN: Yes. But that was so weird! First, the darkness
came over me and then then I saw this bright light. At
the end of this looonng tunnel.
HOWIE: I was trying to tell you and them that if theyre in
love, they can go through anything.
MERLE: Yeah, well, it doesnt look like you succeeded.
Those two are going to fight no matter what.
HOWIE: But they have to make up!
MERLE: Why?
HOWIE: (Loudly.) For the sake of the baby!
(EVERYONE stops and turns to HOWIE.)
MERLE: What?
CONRAD: What do you mean, for the sake of the baby?
You dont think that Glenda is (HE turns to GLENDA,
who is now watching him.) Hon? Youre not I mean,
are you are you ...? (Slowly, GLENDA nods.) You
are?!
LILLIAN: (To HOWIE.) Wow! You do have the power!
(ZENOBIA moves over to HOWIE. She stands next to him

on one side and MERLE on the other and they both look at
him. Howie acts as if hes in a trance.)
CONRAD: You mean Im going to be a father?

GLENDA: (Smiling.) Well, one of us has to be.

- 60 -
CONRAD: And youll be - (HE lifts HER off her feet and
swings her in a circle.) This is wonderful!
LILLIAN: Youre going to be a mother? That means Ill be a
grand a gra eeeyyeee (SHE looks down at
FERN.) Move over! (SHE shoves FERN over and flops
on the couch.)
GLENDA: Careful, hon. Youre swinging two of us, you
know.
CONRAD: Oh. Oh! (HE gingerly places HER down.) What
am I doing?! This is so great! Is it a boy? Or a girl?
GLENDA: Yes.
ZENOBIA: (To HOWIE.) How did you do that?
MERLE: (After a beat.) Howie?
HOWIE: I see I see we will meet a stranger who will
bring us tidings
ZENOBIA: Oh, thats good; thats just vague enough to
mean anything.
FERN: (To LILLIAN.) Whats with you?
LILLIAN: I see this bright light at the end of this looonng
tunnel.
FERN: You want to try this? (SHE holds up the bag.)
CONRAD: You need to sit down! Get off your feet!
GLENDA: (Almost laughing.) Im fine, hon, really! (SHE
hugs HIM and they kiss.)
CONRAD: This is the best news Ive had in a long time.
BRITTANY: (Moves to CONRAD.) Oh, he says that all the
time. He said that when I told him I was being moved to
another department.
GLENDA: You are? (SHE looks back at CONRAD.) She
is?
CONRAD: (Nods.) Mr. Blakes idea.
MERLE: You going to tell us or not?
HOWIE: I see I see you giving your partner much more
respect in the future.
ZENOBIA: Ah, now hes padding his part.
MERLE: Uh huh.
GLENDA: (To BRITTANY.) Well, I hope youre happy in
your new post, Miss Marie.
CONRAD: Hon? Thats not really her last name.

- 61 -
GLENDA: Its not?

BRITTANY: Now, how did you know that?
CONRAD: I guess this clairvoyance stuff is catching.
GLENDA: But what is you name?
BRITTANY: Well, since Im no longer working for your
husband, I can tell you. Its Blake. Im Mr. Blakes only
daughter.
EVERYONE but BRITTANY: OOOoohhhh!
BRITTANY: Why does everybody always say that whenever
I tell them that?
GLENDA: It means it explains a lot.
CONRAD: Uh she means that we now can see the
resemblance.
LILLIAN: You really think that bag will help?
FERN: (Looks at the bag.) Not sure. It smells like
somebody left a tuna salad sandwich in an old tire in an
alley for three days after it rained.
HOWIE: Now how would she know that?
(Just then, COURTNEY enters through the front door.)
COURTNEY: I got tired of waiting so I thought I had better -

MERLE: Uh oh! (HE rushes over to COURTNEY.)
COURTNEY: Whats going on here?
MERLE: You wouldnt believe it. (HE indicates FERN.) She
got the hiccups and passed out. (HE points to HOWIE.)
Hes been telling fortunes and they (Indicates GLENDA
and CONRAD) are going to have a baby.
COURTNEY: (A beat.) But I was only gone for twenty
minutes.
GLENDA: So you see? That is why I wanted to find our
own house.
CONRAD: I see, I see. But why didnt you tell me?
GLENDA: I wanted to wait for just the right moment.
CONRAD: So you chose a haunted house in the middle of
an exorcism?
HOWIE: Hey, Im the one that told you.
CONRAD: (Moves to HOWIE.) Yes, you did. And Im one
to admit it when Im wrong.

- 62 -
GLENDA: You are?

CONRAD: I guess there must be something to all this
spiritual stuff after all.
GLENDA: I guess there must be. About time you came
around.
(SHE leans over and, unseen by CONRAD, winks at

HOWIE, who winks back. Just then, LARRABY enters from
the kitchen with a paper bag.)
LARRABY: Im coming, Mom! Hang on! (HE moves to

HER.)
FERN: Oh, Im fine now, Milo.
LARRABY: You are? Then I wont need this. (Holds up the
paper bag.)
COURTNEY: And the cops are here?
MERLE: (Indicating FERN.) Yeah, he was going to put a
bag on her.
COURTNEY: Why would he arrest the old lady?
MERLE: Not arrest. He really was going to put a bag over
her.
COURTNEY: Wow, you leave the room you pay the price.
LARRABY: Mom, if youre feeling better I need you to do
something. (HE helps HER to her feet.)
FERN: What?
LARRABY: Go out to the car and call for backup. (HE
moves FERN to the front door.)
FERN: Here?
LARRABY: Give them this location. Tell em I authorized it.
COURTNEY: Backup?
FERN: Whatever you say, son.
(LARRABY opens the front door and FERN exits.)
LARRABY: Now, dont nobody leave.

LILLIAN: What? (SHE leans forward.) Whats going on?
LARRABY: Everyone stay right where you are. (HE rushes
into the kitchen.)
ZENOBIA: I dont think I like this.

- 63 -
CONRAD: Hey. (To ZENOBIA.) You know whats going to

happen, dont you?
ZENOBIA: We we will meet a stranger who will bring
us tidings .
(LARRABY then enters from the kitchen, carrying an audio

cassette player.)
LARRABY: Lookie here what I just found! (HE places it on

the dinette table.)
ZENOBIA: Now I think I could use that bag.
LARRABY: And just give a listen. (HE pushes a button and
loud MOANS sound.) Sound familiar? (HE pushes the
button and it stops.)
COURTNEY: I better be running along.
LARRABY: I said nobody leaves. (HE takes out a pad and
pen and moves DS.) Were going to get the whole story
here. Who belongs to that cassette player?
GLENDA: Weve never seen it.
CONRAD: (Moves to GLENDA.) Thats right.
LARRABY: Oh, you havent?
CONRAD: No. Why would we? We were here looking to
buy this house.
LARRABY: And just maybe you thought that if you showed
it was haunted you might get a better price?
CONRAD: Oh, thats ridiculous. Were not even buying this
house.
GLENDA: Well, were still talking about that.
CONRAD: Oh, sorry hon! Of course! Whatever you say.
(THEY nuzzle.)
LARRABY: How sweet.
LILLIAN: (Moves to LARRABY.) Officer, I can vouch for
that. Conrad didnt want to have anything to do with this.
LARRABY: (Writes this down.) Uh huh. But who did use
that player?
LILLIAN: Well, I was the first one to contact the spirit.
LARRABY: (Quickly turns to HER.) You?!
LILLIAN: (Suddenly points to ZENOBIA.) She did!

- 64 -
LARRABY: Ah ha! (HE moves to ZENOBIA.) So! Its

yours!
ZENOBIA: I dont know what you mean! After all, I wasnt
even here. (Points to LILLIAN.) She called me to come
here!
LARRABY: Ah ha! (Moves to LILLIAN.) You called her to
come here? (HE writes this down.)
LILLIAN: Well, I guess thats right. But we didnt hear any
moans until after she got here!
LARRABY: Ah ha! (Moves back to ZENOBIA.) So! You -
ZENOBIA: Thats not true. They heard the moaning before I
got here.
LARRABY: Ah ha! (Moves back to LILLIAN.) What do you
have to say to that?
LILLIAN: I dont know, I -
CONRAD: Wait a minute. (HE points to ZENOBIA.) If she
wasnt here, how did she know we had already heard the
moaning?
LARRABY: Ah ha! (HE starts to move to ZENOBIA and
then stops.) Wait a minute!
MERLE: Youre wearing a rut in the carpet.
LARRABY: Lets start at the beginning! Who first said the
house was haunted?
GLENDA: (Points to HOWIE and MERLE.) They did. The
Realtors.
MERLE: (To HOWIE.) Didnt see that coming, did you?!
(HE swats HOWIE on the arm.)
LARRABY: I see. (HE talks as he writes.) I think Im
beginning to see whats going on here.
(Just then FERN enters through the front door.)
FERN: Milo, you just got a call from the station house.
LARRABY: What? What did they say?
FERN: (Moving to LARRABY.) Something about they
caught those two they were looking for.
MERLE & HOWIE: They did?
FERN: Got them on counterfeiting and several other things.
They wanted to know how you knew this was their house.

- 65 -
GLENDA: You mean the people who used to live here?

COURTNEY: Uh oh.
LARRABY: Anything else?
FERN: I think they said they had an accomplice.
LARRABY: That ties it all in. They set up a haunted house
to keep people away. (HE looks at his note pad.) I guess
I can make an arrest now. Courtney Parfait!
(MERLE and HOWIE step forward, sheepishly. MERLE is

about to speak but COURTNEY beats him to it.)
COURTNEY: Okay, you got me!

LARRABY: Hah? (HE stares at her.)
MERLE & HOWIE: You?!
COURTNEY: (Moves to LARRABY.) When I saw all those
police cars, I figured Id duck in here. But, get this! I just
gave em cover. I didnt have anything to do with no
counterfeiting ring!
LARRABY: Well just see about that. Okay, kiddo, you have
the right to remain silent. Everything uh . Anything
you say (HE turns to FERN.) Mom.
FERN: (Moves to COURTNEY.) I have to do everything.
(To COURTNEY.) Anything you say can be used against
you in a court of law. If you do not have an attorney, one
DO NOT COPY
will be provided to you by the state.
LARRABY: Thats the stuff. (HE ushers COURTNEY to the
front door, followed by FERN.) Lets get you downtown
where we can book you.
CONRAD: Wow, we may get on the news tonight.
For Review Only
BRITTANY: Again?!
(CONRAD, GLENDA and LILLIAN turn and look at HER.)
LARRABY: (To COURTNEY.) Maybe you can also explain

about that stolen car.
COURTNEY: What? What stolen car? I didnt steal any -
LARRABY: Thats what they all say. (HE stops at the front
door.) Ill need some of you as witnesses.

- 66 -
LILLIAN: (Moves to LARRABY.) Oh, Ill be more than happy

to help out. Why dont you come over to my house later
and we can, well, get better acquainted.
FERN: Watch out for that one.
LARRABY: (Leans in to LILLIAN.) You live alone?
LILLIAN: Not right now. (SHE looks at GLENDA.) But
theyll be moving out soon.
GLENDA: Thats right. (CONRAD kisses HER on the
cheek.) Well be moving soon.
LARRABY: Lets go. (HE reaches over and picks up the
cassette player.) And I better take this in for evidence.
(FERN exits out the front door, followed by COURTNEY.)
LILLIAN: (To LARRABY.) So, tell me, Officer, do you like

lasagna?
LARRABY: Oh, I like all animals. Except cats.
LILLIAN: Well talk about it later.
(SHE giggles and exits. LARRABY exits after her.)
CONRAD: Brittany, get those papers back to the office. (HE

looks at GLENDA.) Well finish them up tomorrow.
BRITTANY: Okay. (SHE moves to the dinette table.) I just
hope I can remember where I left off tonight.
CONRAD: (Moves to MERLE.) Im sorry about all the fuss.
I guess we wont be taking the house after all.
MERLE: Oh, so sorry to hear that.
GLENDA: Now hon? We didnt really look at the house.
CONRAD: But we - (HE turns to MERLE.) Listen, can we
come back tomorrow night?
HOWIE: Oh sure! Well be glad -
(MERLE swats HOWIE again.)
MERLE: (To CONRAD.) Sir, the house is now a scene of a

crime. Itll be tied up in court for months, Im sure.
GLENDA: Oh, I guess so.

- 67 -
CONRAD: Didnt you have another house you wanted us to

see?
MERLE: 1142 Marcellus! Tomorrow at seven?
GLENDA: Well see you then.
CONRAD: Yes. All three of us.
(GLENDA and CONRAD hug and exit out the front door.)
ZENOBIA: Now that was too close!

MERLE: Tell me about it. (HE moves to the SR door.)
Now, shall we evacuate the premises whilst we can?
(ZENOBIA and HOWIE follow HIM over.)
ZENOBIA: Fine. Ill give you a lift.

HOWIE: See, I told you it would all work out!
MERLE: You did not!
HOWIE: Well, I said something like that.
ZENOBIA: How did you know she was expecting a baby?
HOWIE: Well, you know, how they have that look.
MERLE: Uh huh.
HOWIE: Anyway, whatever happened, it all worked out.
ZENOBIA: And I helped.
HOWIE: Right. (HE reaches into HER pocket and take out
her remote.) With this help of this. (HE pushes a button
and again MOANING sounds.)
ZENOBIA: Just a little electronic device which I - (SHE
stops and her eyes widen.)
MERLE: Hey, you have another player in there? (ZENOBIA
looks at HIM and shakes her head.) You you dont?
HOWIE: (Also wide-eyed.) Race you to the window!
(The THREE bolt out the SR door. The MOANING turns to

deep laughter as the LIGHTS black out.)
END OF PLAY


You Can't Beat The House

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You Can't Beat The House

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You Cant Beat the House

A Comedy by Pat Cook

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STORY OF THE PLAY

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MERLE: An amiable but not very good burglar.

Time: The present. Early evening.

The setting for this little farce is the living room of a

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Laundry bag with an article of clothing

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MERLE: (Loud whisper.) Okay, come on in. (HE looks

For Review Only

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HOWIE: Shoot, I could do this whole room in three hours,

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HOWIE: (Nodding.) No kidding. Almost three thousand

(After a slight pause, MERLE sticks his head out the SR

MERLE: Where are you getting all that architectural data?

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HOWIE: Well, we can always do my laundry. (MERLE

CONRAD: Now, Hon, this is the last one for tonight.

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HOWIE: I am stricken I didnt think of that. You amaze me

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CONRAD: Your mother is not moving in with us.

(HE moves to the front door. Just as he is reaching for the

COURTNEY: Oh, excuse me. I didnt know youd already

(MERLE suddenly looks around.)

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MERLE: And doing our best to leave.

(MERLE ushers COURTNEY back to the front door.)

MERLE: So you see this one wont do at all. I do apologize

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COURTNEY: Well, its just an old legend but we have to be

(GLENDA rushes out the SR door, followed by CONRAD.)

GLENDA: (To CONRAD.) Well, he just scared me, thats

(HE takes the card from his pocket and gives it to

CONRAD: (Looks at the card.) Im sure your name is

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(HOWIE enters through the SR door.)

HOWIE: Who screamed?

(HOWIE, hearing this, looks behind himself. MERLE taps

GLENDA: Well, thats his job, now isnt it?

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MERLE: Him? Oh, hes -

(Interrupting MERLE, HOWIE invents his own name.)

HOWIE: Percival Von Shortcake! (HE then smiles proudly

(THEY are at the door and MERLE opens it.)

GLENDA: Why not?

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MERLE: Nothing to concern yourself about. The thing is,

(As if thunderstruck, GLENDA closes the door and looks at

GLENDA: (Smiling.) Haunted?!

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