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Natalie Souza

Dr. HH

Senior English Seminar

December 9, 2017

Reflection on Being an English Major

As I approach the end of my time at Belmont, I cant help but reflect on how

different my life looks compared to how it did when I began my academic career four

years ago. Nearly everything that I identified myself with my freshman year has

completely changed, and while that change was terrifying at times, it has made me grow

in ways I never thought possible.

I entered Belmont as a music major with no sense of direction for the future. I

knew that I had a passion for music, but did not know how this passion translated into

career aspirations. While I loved learning about music and enjoyed my classes, there was

something that was always off my freshman year. I wasnt happy, not even in the slightest

bit. Having moved 1000 miles away from home, leaving behind my friends, family and

boyfriend back in Connecticut, I felt completely displayed. I could not shake the

homesickness that hung over me at all times. The friends I had made at Belmont did not

make the situation better. They say misery loves company and let me tell you, whoever

they are, they are spot on. I became friends with people who, like me, struggled to find

their place in Nashville, and more specifically, at Belmont. This only heightened my

homesickness and made me feel lost. All my life I had turned to music when I felt this
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way, but in this year, not even music helped. In fact, I longer found joy in music, though it

took me until my sophomore year to realize this.

My freshman year at Belmont was also marked by my overwhelmingly low self-

esteem. I was in a relationship that became toxic quickly, and although deep down I knew

that things had changed beyond repair, I held on too tightly and for far too long, losing

myself in the process. By the time we broke up the summer before my sophomore year, I

had no clue who I was anymore and knew that something needed to change.

I began my sophomore year with the mindset that this year was going to be

different. This was going to be my year. However, my first semester did not uphold these

expectations. While I found new friends who have become such important people in my

life today, I still couldnt shake the doubt, insecurities and sadness that surrounded me.

That is until one day I finally snapped. I was overwhelmed by the unhappiness I felt and

knew it needed to change and that started with my major. I remember calling my mom

one afternoon, balling my eyes out, telling her I had no clue what I wanted to do with my

life, but this sure as hell wasnt it. I went back and forth with what major I wanted to

change to, but in the back of my mind I always knew what I wanted to change to: English.

I had always enjoyed my English classes in middle school and high school, and more

specifically, it was my English teachers who left the biggest impressions on me as a

student. That being said, I realized I not only wanted to major in English, but also

education so I could make positive impressions on my students as well.

My first semester of being an English major I took Understanding Literary

Language and American Literature II. Although both of these classes were survey classes,
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they required me to think more critically and adapt as both a reader and writer. They

showed me the love I had for writing and literature, but also made me realize that I

needed to push myself to improve my skills. It was in American Literature II that I wrote

my first (lengthy) critical essay. Dr. Trout had allowed us to submit a draft of the paper so

she could provide feedback before the actual paper was due on the day of the final. I

spent the entirety of my Easter break working on this paper and felt pretty confident

when I turned it in as a draft. When Dr. Trout handed me back my paper, she had entire

page typed of changes I needed to make or things that were missing from my argument.

However, this was not discouraging because with every critique she gave, she also gave

suggestions. These suggestions pushed me to work on my paper in ways I never would

have thought of on my own. It made me realize that there was much I needed to improve

on, but also let me see the potential my writing had.

While this American Literature class helped spark my love for the major, it was

Critical Reading and Writing that made me certain that I had made the right decision to

change my major to English. Through learning about different movements in literary

theory, I learned to not only analyze texts from different lenses, but also to look at life

through these different lenses. With each of our papers, I was able to discuss and grapple

with ethical questions that seem to play a major role in all societies. In this way, I could

empathize with the different works, which is a skill I have come to value greatly. I believe

these skills have made me a better student, a better person, and also a better future

teacher. I want to foster these skills in my own students, especially in a society that seems

to use force to solve their problems rather than engaging in thoughtful conversation. In
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addition to teaching my students, I believe these skills will help me create more

meaningful relationships, both with my students and with my fellow teachers.

However, Critical Reading and Writing was not the only class that has helped

prepare more for the future and shape me as a person. Through taking Senior English

Seminar, I have been forced to reflect on the English and Humanities community as well

as my own personal experience as an English major. I have come to realize, that all my

English courses have changed me in some way. For my first essay in this class, I chose to

edit a piece a wrote in Art of the Essay. The topic of the essay was on lose, and I had

written a short two-and-a-half-page piece about the emotionally toxic relationship I was

in my freshman year. The entirety of the essay was an extended metaphor, which

expressed the pain and struggle I went through, but offered no personal accounts. I hid

behind my metaphor, too afraid to offer my reader details that were too personal.

However, Senior English Seminar has pushed me to grapple with all the emotions I had

during this relationship and the ones I still struggle with today. Although writing about

specific details and incidents about my relationship was and is difficult, it has taught me

so much about who I am and how this difficult time in my life gave me a space to grow as

a person. Being honest and open with myself has also encouraged me to write more

freely about my emotions. One night this semester, while lying in bed, I had an

overwhelming impulse to write about an experience I had over the summer that has

caused me to experience a lot of shame and inner struggle. I even adapted and added to

this note I had written in my phone and submitted it as my letter for Senior English

Seminar. In this letter I was more honest than I have ever been in my writing, which is
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something I would never had been able to do four years ago, let alone one year ago. I feel

a sense of relief knowing that I have writing as an outlet to explore the many emotions

and experiences of my life. It makes me feel better prepared as person going out into a

world that will offer its fair share of difficulties.

My second essay for Senior English Seminar also gives me hope for my future, only

this time on a more academic level. I chose to research empowerment supports that can

be incorporated in a secondary English classroom. Through my research I have learned

about countless different methods and approaches that I was completely unaware of,

including the way the colors in your classroom can affect the energy and motivation of

students. While empowerment is something I have talked about in my education classes,

the passion behind this research has come from my English courses. In my courses, I have

learned about disenfranchised voices who are perceived as other simply because of their

gender, sexuality, race, ethnicity, religion or economic status. Through the discussions I

have in my English courses about these marginalized groups, I have learned to empathize

with people who are different than me, but to also advocate for them. Literature has

given me a passion for giving voices to those who are often silenced by society. This

passion has thus transferred to my professional goals of becoming a teacher.

My time at Belmont was nothing like I expected it to be. If you asked me four

years ago how my life would look like today, I would have described a person completely

unlike myself. However, I can say without a trace of doubt that becoming an English

major was the best decision I made at Belmont, for it has shown me my potential as a
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student, as a future teacher, and most importantly as person who yearns to understand

those around her and also the person within her.