THE KATERING SHOW

"Kitchen Cabinet"

written by
Michael Dixon

michaelpauldixon@gmail.com DRAFT NO. 1

Fremantle, Western Australia 18 December 2017
FADE IN:
INT. THE KATERING SHOW - KITCHEN - DAY
(mock Kitchen Cabinet intro)
In parallel to piano playing and operatic singing; MCLENNAN
and MCCARTNEY pour sugar, sift flour, separate eggs, whisk
ingredients, angelically smile, cut a sponge cake in slices
to build height, apply smooth icing finish with palette
knife, capped by small crowns of cream from a deftly applied
piping bag revealing..
A crumbling, falling down shitty mess.
McCartney pauses to think before placing some googley eyes
atop the only part remaining intact.
CUT TO:
TITLES - THE KATERING SHOW
CUT TO:
EXT. HOUSE - GARDEN PATHWAY - DAY
Walking down a garden pathway, McLennan carries a stainless
steel cloche whilst McCartney carries a bottle of gin.
MCCARTNEY
Hi, I’m Kate McCartney.
MCLENNAN
I’m Kate McLennan!
MCCARTNEY
We’re on a mission.
MCLENNAN
To bring power to the people.
MCCARTNEY
We’re taking the bullshit out of
politics and getting deep.
(waving gin bottle)
But on a more gentle level.
"Kitchen Cabinet" 2.

MCLENNAN
Heart democracy sausage!
SUPERIMPOSE:
Vote Kate for free ponies!
MCCARTNEY
No no no. The public are sick and
tired of 3 word slogans.
MCLENNAN
What we need is transparency in
politics.
McCartney stops and starts visually counting on her hand.
MCCARTNEY
No.. You did it again, “transparency
in politics”.
McLennan hoists her cloche into the air.
MCLENNAN
(pompously)
Let them eat cake! 4 words.
MCCARTNEY
I wish I could repeal and replace you.
MCLENNAN
What?
MCCARTNEY
Nothing!
CUT TO:
TITLES - THE KATERING SHOW
BACK TO:
"Kitchen Cabinet" 3.

EXT. HOUSE - FRONT DOOR - CONTINUOUS

McLennan and McCartney stand in front of a quaint 1950’s
weatherboard house.
MCCARTNEY
We’re here at Annabel Crabb’s house,
shes a prominent Canberra insider who
gets into our politician's panties
over a bottle of plonk and a smelly
fish.
MCLENNAN
Because there’s nothing better than
being invited over to someone’s house
and listing all the things you can't
eat.
MCCARTNEY
Are you having a go? You’ve known me
forever, fuck our whole show is built
around my food intolerances!
MCLENNAN
At least you’ll have something to talk
to Annabel about instead of being an
INFJ sook.
McCartney motions to argue back but in defeat, shrugs her
shoulders agreeing.
SUPERIMPOSE:
Vote Kate to ban personality testing!
"Kitchen Cabinet" 4.

MCLENNAN
As you can see, Annabel’s house is
reminiscent of a time where the family
home was an essential building block
of a strong and healthy society.
MCCARTNEY
Conformity and the suburban dream.
MCLENNAN
But not in a communist way.
MCCARTNEY
Imagine a commy eating marshmallow
crispy squares.
MCLENNAN
Or a spam and cheese ribbon loaf.
MCCARTNEY
What about a pathetic Jell-o salad.
SUPERIMPOSE:
Wibble wobble.
McLennan looks underneath the cloche revealing a Jell-o salad
and in frustration, lobs it into the bushes.
MCLENNAN
Fuck!
CUT TO:
TITLES - THE KATERING SHOW
BACK TO:
EXT. HOUSE - FRONT DOOR - CONTINUOUS
Regaining her composure, McLennan peers through the fly-
screen mesh and joyously rings the doorbell.
"Kitchen Cabinet" 5.

MCLENNAN
Annabel! Its the Kate’s!
From down the hallway, a woman approaches wearing a cliché
vintage, red with white polka-dot dress. Its JUDITH LUCY
parodying ANNABEL CRABB.
JUDITH LUCY
(usual laconic drawl)
Hi! Hello! Welcome.
McLennan and McCartney look at each other questioningly.
JUDITH LUCY (CONT’D)
Well don’t just stand there like some
rookie campaigner on their first day,
come in!
INT. HOUSE - FRONT DOOR - CONTINUOUS
Crossing the front door threshold, McLennan and McCartney are
time warped to the 1950’s. Both stare at Judith Lucy and
each other in their now prim and proper vintage attire.
JUDITH LUCY
Something wrong? Is it my dress? Its
a bit tight around the bust which can
be risky because as every man knows,
we’re just two drinks away from a girl
on girl adventure! So lets keep those
eyes topside.
MCCARTNEY
You look a little different in real
life Annabel.
MCLENNAN
Have you had some work done?
"Kitchen Cabinet" 6.

JUDITH LUCY
Oh.. I know I come off as gritty, even
ruggedly sexual on the tele, its all
for show really, a disarming mechanism
if you will. I just can’t stop
pumping out pheromones.
MCCARTNEY
I can feel your late 50’s pre-sexual
revolution heat from here.
JUDITH LUCY
(adjusting bust)
I’m like the Julia Child of the Press
Gallery. Not the real one mind you,
the attractive version played by Meryl
Streep.
Judith Lucy, McLennan and McCartney walk down the hallway.
MCLENNAN
Its not that Annabel.. Maybe its your
hair, its looking a little flat today.
JUDITH LUCY
Oh?
Judith Lucy pats her hair and looks into a hallway mirror.
JUDITH LUCY (CONT’D)
You’re right. Why don’t you pop into
the kitchen, Ill be with you
momentarily.
"Kitchen Cabinet" 7.

INT. HOUSE - HALLWAY / KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

Judith Lucy makes her way into a side room as McLennan and
McCartney continue down the hallway, opening to an original
1950’s kitchen, complete with chrome and formica dining set
and tea cosy adorned kettle.
MCCARTNEY
What are we wearing?
MCLENNAN
(dreamily)
Virtue.
MCCARTNEY
Fuck me.
MCLENNAN
The 50’s were so politically and
domestically tranquil.
MCCARTNEY
Except for the Korean War.
MCLENNAN
Where the trusted, guiding hand of
mass media reinforced a woman’s place.
MCCARTNEY
And the Vietnam War.
MCLENNAN
Primarily identifying as wives and
mothers and eschewing work outside of
the home.
MCCARTNEY
The Warsaw Pact
"Kitchen Cabinet" 8.

MCLENNAN
No one knows what that was.
MCCARTNEY
I’m feeling a Hungarian Revolution.
MCLENNAN
What a great segue as we inspect this
delightful and typical 1950’s
afternoon tea!
CUT TO:
INT. HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
On the table in parallel to Vivaldi - The Four Seasons: La
Primavera - Allegro classical music; is an afternoon tea of
smoked salmon and cucumber finger sandwiches, egg and cress,
teapot with cups, cream, milk, sugar cubes plus scones with
jam and marmalade.
MCLENNAN (V.O.)
Ladies of the 1950’s knew how to lady.
Who cares about the banality of
politics when you have smoked salmon
and cucumber finger sandwiches, eggs
and cress, tea served from a pot of
fine china, cream, milk and sugar to
please, plus scones with jam and
marmalade. This couldn't have taken
more than 10 minutes right? What do
you think about that Nigella Express?
BACK TO:
INT. HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
McLennan and McCartney inspect the table closely.
"Kitchen Cabinet" 9.

MCLENNAN
Its missing something though.
McCartney pulls out her mobile phone searching for a signal.
MCCARTNEY
Yeah, wifi.
Judith Lucy enters, her hair styled in a comically high
bouffant.
JUDITH LUCY
I’m not known for being over the top
so instead of making lemon slice, I
thought we could have whatever
afternoon delight you’ve brought
instead.
McLennan looks sheepishly away.
MCCARTNEY
I told her to bring something. It is
good etiquette after all.
JUDITH LUCY
Aren't you a treasure. And so
fetching and slim. Come, the kitchen
awaits.
McCartney and Judith Lucy make their way into the kitchen
leaving McLennan and her lower lip trembling.
MCLENNAN
But I..
MCCARTNEY
You know what would have been good
Annabel? Jell-o salad!
"Kitchen Cabinet" 10.

JUDITH LUCY
I love me some Jell-o salad! Its so
sophisticated.
CUT TO:
TITLES - THE BOOZE REVOOZE
BACK TO:
INT. HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
Dressed in gowns, McLennan and McCartney sit on either side
of the kitchen table, arguing back and forth as if in one of
the Houses of Parliament.
Dressed in royal attire complete with ornamental crown and
scepter in hand, Judith Lucy sits at the head of the table
with McCartney’s bottle of gin and quarter filled vintage
glass in her other hand.
JUDITH LUCY
(to herself)
How droll.
(sipping gin)
Oh, hello there.
(to the audience)
What is politics? Is it as writer
Ernest Benn once wrote, “The art of
looking for trouble, finding it
whether it exists or not, diagnosing
it incorrectly and applying the wrong
remedy?”
(faux laugh)
Ha ha ha.
(seriously)
No. Politics is power.
(MORE)
"Kitchen Cabinet" 11.
JUDITH LUCY (CONT'D)

Let me explain and demonstrate through

metaphor how our elected officials
brandish it.
McLennan and McCartney continue to argue.
JUDITH LUCY (CONT’D)
Look at these two and their absurd
back and forth.. Remind you of
anything?
Thumping the scepter, Judith Lucy reigns supreme.
JUDITH LUCY (CONT’D)
Hey! Shudup!
McLennan and McCartney are immediately silenced.
JUDITH LUCY (CONT’D)
That’s legitimate power. Whether its
Parliament House or in the throne
room, all that matters is where you
sit, and that’s at the head of the
table.
CUT TO:
EXT. HOUSE - FRONT PORCH / GARDEN PATH - DAY
Dressed in farm overalls, McLennan and McCartney toil with
spades and hoes on either side of the garden path.
Dressed like a Colonel Sanders cotton farmer complete with a
wide brimmed hat and whip on her lap, Judith Lucy sits in a
rocking chair sipping a half filled vintage glass of gin.
"Kitchen Cabinet" 12.

JUDITH LUCY
(to the audience)
Coercive power on the other hand is
ones ability to apply negative
influence. You typically see this in
Parliament in the form of a demotion
to the back-bench after a failed
leadership coup or sneaking state
secrets off to a foreign power.
Judith Lucy looks at her arm to reveal four Rolex watches.
JUDITH LUCY (CONT’D)
(southern laconic drawl)
My my my, would you look at the time.
MCCARTNEY
The ground on my side is harder than
yours.
MCLENNAN
Stop complaining, you’ll get us in
trouble.
MCCARTNEY
I’m coming over.
McCartney looks cautiously around and seeing Judith Lucy
apparently dozing in her rocking chair, sneaks across the
garden path.
JUDITH LUCY
(to the audience)
Every now and then, politicians think
they can vote how they please.
They’re wrong.
"Kitchen Cabinet" 13.

From out of her faux slumber, Judith Lucy rises to attention

brandishing the whip in her hand, releasing it with a loud
crack to the unsuspecting McCartney.
JUDITH LUCY (CONT’D)
Go on get! Get back! Get back to yer
own.
Petrified, McCartney leaps back over the garden path to her
own side and double times the effort with McLennan in the
soil.
JUDITH LUCY (CONT’D)
(to the audience)
Now you know what the Parliamentary
Whip is for.
CUT TO:
INT. HOUSE - BATHROOM - DAY
Dressed in tennis whites complete with head and wrist bands,
Judith Lucy brushes her teeth in the bathroom mirror using a
three quarter gin filled vintage glass in lieu of toothpaste.
JUDITH LUCY
Some electorates play it cool by being
a marginal or swing seat. That means
no one party can ever feel safe and
are more likely to offer big promises
that we, as a nation, can't afford, in
order to secure your vote.
Judith Lucy takes a gargle of gin and instead of spitting,
swallows, wiping her mouth with a wristband.
There is banging on the bathroom door and teenage screaming.
"Kitchen Cabinet" 14.

JUDITH LUCY (CONT’D)

One of the best ways to win a swing
electorate is to parachute someone
famous in, typically an ex sports
person or over the hill musician.
Personally, I think a torn off lettuce
leaf in the reject bin at your local
Woollies has more substance than these
long forgotten narcissistic has been’s
seeking redemption at any cost. But I
digress because people aren't produce,
or are they?
Suddenly, the bathroom door is kicked down and a screaming
McLennan and McCartney dressed in youthful clothing, their
hair in ponytails, fawn over Judith Lucy.
MCCARTNEY
I love you for your interpersonal
influence!
MCLENNAN
I love you for your charismatic
appeal!
MCCARTNEY
Yes! Quickly! Endorse something!
McLennan and McCartney clamber over Judith Lucy bringing her
down to the floor in the same way a lioness takes down her
prey.
JUDITH LUCY
(struggling)
This. Is. Referent. Power!
(MORE)
"Kitchen Cabinet" 15.
JUDITH LUCY (CONT'D)

It doesn't last long and is unstable

at best because outside of celebrity
you’ll find out in time I have zero
credibility! We’ll see that next in
expert power!
Even under the weight of McLennan and McCartney on the floor,
Judith Lucy manages to hold onto her gin filled vintage
glass, taking a messy swig.
MCLENNAN
Yes! I have some of her hair!
MCCARTNEY
I got her wrist band!
JUDITH LUCY
(dying)
Vote Annabel! No. 1!
CUT TO:
INT. HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
Dressed in smart corporate attire complete with straightened
hair, Judith Lucy reads from a copy of Hansard. Her vintage
glass is empty and attempting to pour a refill, spills gin
onto the bench.
JUDITH LUCY
Shhh..
(drunk)
Once you’re in Parliament they
literally cannot get rid of you for
like 3 years, unless you’re upstairs
in the red house and its six.
(MORE)
"Kitchen Cabinet" 16.
JUDITH LUCY (CONT'D)

I don’t like it there, I always have

to appear for some bullshit inquiry
because of a mistake I made.. I mean
my staffers made.
MCCARTNEY
(smartly dressed)
Hi, I'm Kate McCartney, I’m a Media
Adviser. I run interference and give
tip off’s to the press!
MCLENNAN
(smartly dressed)
Hi, I’m Kate McLennan, I’m a Policy
Advisor. I do research on the
opposition and prep informative and
interesting Dorothy Dixers!
JUDITH LUCY
Hey! Stop telling everyone my
secrets.
Judith Lucy points to McCartney.
JUDITH LUCY (CONT’D)
Hey skinny girl, help me to the couch.
Judith Lucy points to McLennan.
JUDITH LUCY (CONT’D)
You there, plumpy. What’s her name
again?
MCCARTNEY
You got it right the first time.
"Kitchen Cabinet" 17.

JUDITH LUCY
I did? Plumpy, go find Tone, tell him
I drank all my birthday gin.
McLennan shoots them both daggers and rummages through the
kitchen cupboards for another bottle.
CUT TO:
INT. HOUSE - FAMILY ROOM - DAY
McCartney helps Judith Lucy to the couch.
JUDITH LUCY
Its funny because I know people who
try to get jobs and some HR flunky
straight out of Uni says yeah narh
sorry you wont interview because you
don't have this eeny weeny bit that
doesn't mean jack shit to the role and
look at me mate, running a whole
portfolio with no quals for the
environment and energy. I just
approved a coal mine and power prices
are up just like my campaign donors
asked.
MCCARTNEY
I know, expert power.
McLennan returns with another bottle of gin.
JUDITH LUCY
(still drunk)
There’s still one more, reward power..
Judith Lucy passes out on the couch.
"Kitchen Cabinet" 18.

MCCARTNEY
This is the longest Booze Revooze
ever. What are we up to?
MCLENNAN
(shaking the gin bottle)
You heard her, reward time.
A producer walks on set breaking the fourth wall and gives a
copy of the script to McLennan who hands the bottle of gin to
McCartney.
MCLENNAN (CONT’D)
You pour.
(flicks through the script)
Annabel Crabb is played by Judith
Lucy. Oh.. that’s clever.
(clears throat)
Right. According to Wikipedia, reward
power depends on the ability of the
wielder to confer valued material
rewards.
Judith Lucy briefly awakes before passing back out.
JUDITH LUCY
Even when you fuck up they give you
something. I'm gunna be Australian
Ambassador to Tuscany.
MCLENNAN
I think that's called nepotism.
JUDITH LUCY
No its in Italy. Its my reward for
forgoing my integrity.
"Kitchen Cabinet" 19.

MCCARTNEY
A politician that speaks the truth!
MCLENNAN
When it suits, she did have a lemon
slice. It was hidden in the cupboard
under Parliamentary privilege.
MCCARTNEY
Apparently you can get more out of
people if you sit down to eat with
them, but I say bring back the
Parliamentary bar.
With the scepter, McLennan pokes the passed out Judith Lucy.
JUDITH LUCY
(shooing away)
Kids, go play outside, Mumma’s
sleeping.
CUT TO:
TITLES - CREDITS
INT. HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
McLennan and McCartney wear identical cliché vintage, red
with white polka-dot dresses stolen from Annabel Crabb’s
closet.
MCLENNAN
Would the Honourable Member from
Warringah care for some tea?
MCCARTNEY
Much obliged.
"Kitchen Cabinet" 20.

MCLENNAN
(demonstrating)
Like this. Pick up your cup and
saucer together, hold the saucer in
one hand and the cup in the other.
MCCARTNEY
Quite. And the pinky?
MCLENNAN
Never out or up. Always in.
MCCARTNEY
What’s on today’s House Program?
MCLENNAN
I am feeling quite powerful so I think
its time for a Cabinet reshuffle.
MCCARTNEY
So.. In other words, the Honorable
Member for Wentworth is shitting her
pants?
MCLENNAN
Properly so McCartney, properly so.
FADE OUT.

THE END