Best Jokes of All Time

The Best
Jokes
Of All Time
Tom van Lezzard

1st Edition
Copyright © 2010 by Tom van Lezzard
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Best Jokes of all Time
DIRECTORY
CHAPTER 1 .............................................................................................. 4
The Best Jokes Ever..................................................................................................................... 4
CHAPTER 2 .............................................................................................. 9
Funny Jokes .................................................................................................................................... 9
CHAPTER 4 ............................................................................................ 17
Best Blonde Jokes....................................................................................................................... 17
Dumb Blond Jokes ...................................................................................................................... 24
CHAPTER 5 ............................................................................................ 29
Best Chuck Norris Jokes / Top Chuck Norris Facts ........................................................ 29
CHAPTER 6 ............................................................................................ 33
Best Redneck Jokes ................................................................................................................... 33
CHAPTER 7 ............................................................................................ 37
Best Sarcastic Jokes .................................................................................................................. 37
CHAPTER 8 ............................................................................................ 40
Short Hilarious Jokes ................................................................................................................. 40
CHAPTER 9 ............................................................................................ 44
Business Jokes ............................................................................................................................. 44
CHAPTER 10 .......................................................................................... 51
Best Bar Jokes ............................................................................................................................. 51
The Best Jokes Ever
CHAPTER 1
4| Page The Best Jokes of All Time
CHAPTER 1
The Best Jokes Ever
The Best Jokes Ever

The Best Joke of All Time:
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The
other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency servic-
es. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator
says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the
guy says "OK, now what?"
The Best Jokes Ever #1
A guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits
down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window,
and jumps out. Five minutes later, the same guy walks into the
bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to
the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he re-
appears and repeats the whole thing. About half an hour later,
another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how
the hell are you doing that?!"
The first guy responds, "oh, it's really simple physics. When you
chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air
rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air
and float down to the sidewalk."
CHAPTER 1
The Best Jokes of All Time
Page |5
"WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he or-
ders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps
out, and splats on the sidewalk below.
The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman,
you're an a**hole when you're drunk."
A man is sitting on the bank of a river with a turtle and he is

approached by an officer from the fisheries board. The officer
says to the man "do you know it's illegal to poach turtles out of
this river - they're an endangered species"?
The man says to the officer, "no this is my pet turtle. I bring
him down here everyday and let him go for a swim. He swims
across the river and back".
"Bullshit" the officer replies. So the man places the turtle in the
water and says "watch this". The turtle swims out and the two
men are standing there waiting. Ten minutes goes past and the
officer says "well where's the turtle".
The man replies - "what turtle"?

CHAPTER 1
6| Page The Best Jokes of All Time
A man gets plastic surgery to look younger (he's 46 years old).

After the surgery is done, he's really impressed with the way he
looks. As he walks home he stops by a newspaper stand, buys
the paper, and asks the guy "How old do you think i am?" The
guy replies with "Hmm.. 35?" The man feels really happy and
says "Well actually im 46" Then he stops by a butcher shop,
buys some meat, and asks the guy "How old do you think i
am?" The man says "24?" Again, the guy feels really happy and
says "Actually im 46". He stops at a bus stop and sees an old
lady (about 80 years old) and asks her "How old do you think i
am?" She says "Well, my eyesight is very week but when i was
a kid, there was a way to know a mans exact age just by
putting my hand in your pants and playing with your 'weenie'
for 15 mins" So the man says "Sure, go for it" So she does, and
after 15 mins she says "Your 46" The man replies "WOW! THAT
WAS AMAZING HOW'D YOU KNOW?!" The old lady laughs and
says "I was behind you at the butcher shop"
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how

important their children are. The first one tells her friends, "My
son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him
'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ', 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you
down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a
room, people say 'Your Eminence'.
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.
The first three women giver her this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2" hard-bodied, well-
CHAPTER 1
Page |7
hung, male stripper."

Whenever he walks into a room, everyone says, "Oh my
God..."
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf
course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when
he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the
course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his
eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is
the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You
truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we
were married 35 years.”
A married couple went to a restaurant to grab a bite to eat.

The waiter asks "Can i take your order sir?"
He replies " Yes, i'll have the steak cooked...rare"
"But what about the mad cow?" said the waiter.
He says "Well...She can order for herself"
Funny Jokes
CHAPTER 2
Page |9
CHAPTER 2
Funny Jokes
Funny Jokes
Funny Jokes #1
A Husband and his wife are traveling by car from their home-
town to New York. After almost twenty-four hours on the road,
they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.
They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to
sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands
them a bill for $350.00. The man explodes and demands to
know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's
a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00!
When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man
insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains

that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference
center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manag-
er. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the
shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers
from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the
Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man

again. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager
replies. No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the
CHAPTER 2
10 | P a g e The Best Jokes of All Time
man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and

agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
"But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $50.00."
"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for pho-
tographing my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. "Well, too bad," the man
replies. "She was here and you could have."
Funny Jokes #2
A woman brings eight-year-old Timmy home and tells his

mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with
Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Tommy's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they
are bound to be curious about these games at that age.”
"Curious about these games?" replies Mary's mother. "He's tak-
en her appendix out!"
Funny Jokes #3
A little boy is standing around eating candy when a stranger

walked up to him and said, "You know, eating all that candy
isn't good for your health."
The little boy replied, "My Grandfather lived to be 95 years old."
"Did he eat a lot of candy as well?" the stranger asked.
"No," said the little boy, "But he minded his own business."
Funny Jokes #4
CHAPTER 2
P a g e | 11
Two muffins are in the oven. One muffin looks at the other and
says, "It is really hot in here, isn´t it?"
The second muffin looks over and says, "HOLY!!! There is a

talking muffin in the oven!"
Funny Jokes #5
The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so I

found a public toilet that had two cubicles.
One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one,
closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.
A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how
are you doing?" Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I
didn't want to be rude, so I replied, "Not too bad, thanks."
After a short pause, I heard the voice again. "So, what are you
up to?" Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Nothing spe-
cial... What about yourself?"
The next thing I heard him say was, "Sorry, mate, I'll have to
call you back. I've got some person in the cubicle next to me
answering everything I say."
Funny Jokes #6
I left my car in a car park the other day, when I came back to it
the bumper and rear lights were all smashed up. Then I found
this note under the wiper. It said:
“I just accidentally reversed into your car. Quite a few people
saw me do it. They think I'm leaving my name and details. …
Well, I'm not.”
CHAPTER 2
Funny Jokes #7
This is the transcript of the actual radio conversation of a US

naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfound-
land in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief
of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees South.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees

to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. Please divert your course 15 degrees

to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say

again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN,

the second largest ship in the U.S. Atlantic Fleet.
We are accompanied by three destroyers, three
cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DE-
MAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15
DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE
FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES
WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY
OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a Canadian lighthouse! Your call!

CHAPTER 2
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Funny Jokes #8
Teacher: If I gave you two rabbits , and another two rab-

bits and another two, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven Sir
Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you two rabbits ,

and another two rabbits and another two, how
many will you have?
Johnny: Seven
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you

two apples, and another two apples and another
two, how many will you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you two rabbits , and

another two rabbits and another two, how many
will you have?
Johnny: Seven!!!
Teacher: Where do you get seven from?!?
Johnny: Because I have already one at home!!

CHAPTER 2
Funny Jokes #8
A guy named Benny is sitting in a bar mouthing off that he

knows everybody. So his buddy bets $10 the next person to
walk in the bar didn't know him. Somebody walks in the bar
and says "Hey Benny what's up?" so the guy then bets him
$100 he doesn't know the first person they see outside walking
down the street. So they go outside and see some coming up to
the bar and says "Hey Benny how are things going?". Flustered
the guy bets him $500 he doesn't know the President. So they
drive up to the white house and the security guard says "Benny
you know you can't just show up here like this." Then a limo
pulls up with the president in it and he rolls down the window
and says "Hey Benny how have you been?" So then he bets him
$1000 he doesn't know the Pope. So they take a plane down to
Rome and he says" Ok now watch up there on that balcony, I'm
gonna come out there with the Pope."
About 30 minutes later, sure enough, the pope walks out onto
the balcony and looks down at the people below. Next to him is
Benny, waving to the crowd. He looks down and waves at his
Buddy, who suddenly drops to the ground, unconscious.
Benny runs out of the building to his friend, "Hey mate, are you
okay!?" slapping him to wake him up. His buddy opens his
eyes, still dizzy and says to Benny "I can believe you knew that
person at the bar... I accept that you know the President of the
United States by accident, and I can accept you know the
pope..., but when the two of you came out there, and the guy
next to me said "Who is that dude next to Benny?"... I just
couldn´t take it anymore."
CHAPTER 2
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Best Blonde Jokes
CHAPTER 3
P a g e | 17
CHAPTER 3
Best Blonde Jokes
Best Blonde Jokes

Best Blonde Jokes #1
A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she

saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a
minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an
drove home. On her way home the same blonde drove past
another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the
time she drove eight miles, shehad cleaned 43 restrooms.
There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a

redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to
the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she
announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam
out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles
from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she
drowned. The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I won-
der if she made it." I guess it's better to try to get to the main-
land than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out.
The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as
she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15
miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I
think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles,
CHAPTER 3
ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore
was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she
swam back.
Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked
down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde
looks and says "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf
tracks." "No. Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and
arguing, and one half hour later they were both killed by a
train.
A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a

bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it
was directly over her. The blonde says,
1. "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've hit me
right in the face!!!"
2. "Good thing that cows don't fly."
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer

on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde want-
ing her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer of-
fered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could
not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every
time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The law-
yer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly ac-
cepted. The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between
CHAPTER 3
P a g e | 19
the Earth and the nearest star?" Without saying a word the
blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a
hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?" Well,
the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up
everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous
air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, an-
gry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00. The
blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the
lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?" Without
saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange
noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his
wife naked on the bed,sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dial-
ing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,
"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got
no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the
bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe
door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering
on the closetfloor.
“You rotten bastard, "says the husband,"my wife's having a
eart attack and you're running around naked scaring the
kids!!!”
CHAPTER 3
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive
blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the
mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back
into the house. A little later she came out of her house again,
went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut
again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was
getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched
to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder
than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is some-
thing wrong?” To which she replied, “There certainly is! My stu-
pid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miracu-

lously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a
scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper
arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion
that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as
he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was

driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE
pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there
was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER
tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I
swerved to the left and there was ...."
CHAPTER 3
P a g e | 21
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree
on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging
back and forth."
A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front
of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver
furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does. The driver
gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he
gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns
around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes
out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating
her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing. He's really
mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns
around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He
demands, "What's so funny?" She says, "Every time you were-
n't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"
A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in econ-

omy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class
section. The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely
informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because
that's the type of ticket she paid for.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to De-
troit and I'm staying right here."
After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the

woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and
informs the pilot and co-piolet that there's a blonde bimbo sit-
ting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The
co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to
CHAPTER 3
move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm

blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right
here."
The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps

they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the
woman arrested when they land.
The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm mar-
ried to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman
and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry,"
then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what
he said to get her to move back to economy without causing
any fuss.
"I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."
Once there were 3 people in an airplane, one took a bite out of

an apple. She thought it was too sweet so she threw it out of
the plane. The second person took a bite out of a lemon and
she thought it was too sour so, she threw it out of the plane.
Then the last person took a bite out of a grenade and he
thought it was too crunchy so, he threw it out of the plane.
Then they landed and decided to go for a walk.
They first passed a little girl who was crying and they asked,
"little girl, little girl, why are you crying?" and the little girl said,
"an apple came down and killed my new kitty".
Next they passed a little boy who was also crying. And they
again asked, "little boy, little boy, why are you crying?" and the
little boy said, "a lemon came down and killed my new puppy."
CHAPTER 3
P a g e | 23
Then they passed a blonde sitting on the side walk laughing her
butt off. They asked, "why are you laughing so hard?" and the
blonde said, "I farted and the building behind me blew up!!"
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all
these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid,
so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are
smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is
going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets
down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30
and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the liv-
ing room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at
the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She
replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she
wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb
and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks
her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that
she was reading the directions on the paint can and they
said.... FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
CHAPTER 3
Dumb Blond Jokes
Dumb Blond Jokes

Dumb Blond Jokes #1
Question: If a blonde and a brunette fell off a building, who

would hit the ground first?
Answer: The brunette - the blonde would have to stop for

directions!
Dumb Blond Jokes #2
The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut
into six pieces or twelve.
"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"
Dumb Blond Jokes #3
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of

their car with a coat hanger.
First Blonde:
"I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Second Blonde:
Well you better hurry up. It's starting to rain and the top is
down!
Dumb Blond Jokes #4
A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it
was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied:
CHAPTER 3
P a g e | 25
"You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that
question all day long, and each time I get a different answer."
Dumb Blond Jokes #5
A blonde was driving down the road listening to the radio and
was quite upset when she heard blonde joke after blonde joke.
A little way down the road, she saw another blonde out in a
field rowing a boat. The blonde stopped her car and angrily
jumped out yelling,
"You dumb blonde bimbo! It's blondes like you that give the
rest of us a bad name! If I could swim I'd come out there and
give you what's coming to you!"
Dumb Blond Jokes #6
A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink,
and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was
shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the
blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump.
Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50.
The redhead said,

"I can't take this, you're my friend."
But the blonde insisted saying,

"No. A bet's a bet."
Then the redhead said

"Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news,
so I can't take your money."
The blonde replied

"Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"
CHAPTER 3
Dumb Blond Jokes #7
A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she
decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette.
When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the
country.
After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a
flock of sheep and thought,
"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"
She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,
"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one
home?"
The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could

have a try.
The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."
The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who
looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her
car.
Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog
back?"
Dumb Blond Jokes #8
A blonde and two brunettes escape from jail. They found a

farmhouse which they got into to hide from the cops, inside the
farmhouse there were three potato sacks. Each one of them got
into a potato sack. Then two cops came to the farmhouse, one
went in while the other waited outside.
The one who went in saw the sacks and said "Hey there's noth-
ing but three potato sacks in here"
CHAPTER 3
P a g e | 27
The policemen in the outside replied saying:

"Well just kick them to make sure the girls aren´t hiding in
them"
So he kicks the first one with a brunette in it, and she says
"Meowww"
So the cop said "It´s just a cat"
Then he kicked the second one with the second brunette hiding
in it, so she says "WOOF!" so the cop says "Its just a dog"
Then he kicks the one with the blonde in, and she says "POTA-
TOS!"
Best Chuck Norris Jokes
--Top Chuck Norris Facts--
CHAPTER 4
P a g e | 29
CHAPTER 4
Best Chuck Norris Jokes / Top Chuck Norris Facts
Chuck Norris Jokes

The Best Chuck Norris Jokes #1
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac® at Burger King® and got one.
Chuck Norris doesn't need Twitter®, he is already following

you!
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no
signs of life there.
Chuck Norris doesn't worry about changing his clock twice a

year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when
Chuck tells it to.
When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds

because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard
it became a KFC.
CHAPTER 4
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied,

"Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere men-
tion of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last,
and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse deli-
vered by Chuck Norris.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only

another fist.
When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to

the doctors.
If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck
Norris has more money than you
Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him
seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at
the back of his own head.
If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats pa-
per, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
CHAPTER 4
P a g e | 31
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Nor-
ris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to miss-

pell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing

Chuck Norris for every answer.
Best Redneck Jokes
CHAPTER 5
P a g e | 33
CHAPTER 5
Best Redneck Jokes
Redneck Jokes
Best Redneck Jokes #1
Two rednecks were walking down a path. One of them was car-
rying a sack of chicken over his shoulder. Suddenly one of them
asks the other (with his redneck slang voice), “If I guess how
many chickens you have in your bag, can I have one of them?"
The other one says, "Sure if you can guess how many I have,
I´ll give you both of them."
The other one replies, “Umm, .... I think you´ve got five!"
Bubba's teacher asked him the difference between his age and
his Brother's age.
"Well, mamma told me last year that mah brother is 1 year

older than me..." he answered.
"So, accordin to mah calculation, this year we must both be the

same age!"
CHAPTER 5
Three rednecks appeared on a Quiz show - Jim-bob, Bubba and

Hank. Somehow they made it to the final question worth
$50,000.
The TV host said to Jim-Bob, "I will sing a song, leave 1 word
out. You must say the word and spell it ...Here it is - Old McDo-
nald had a ....?
Jim-bob answers, "Cow, I spell it - C-O-W."
The host says, "You spelled cow right, but that ain't the right
word."
"Ok Bubba, now your turn", says the Quiz master, "Old MacDo-
nald had a ...?"
Bubba answers, "Pig and I spell it P-I-G."
The host grimaces, "Well, again like Jim-bob, you spelled it

right, but it wasn't the answer I'm looking for."
"Well Hank, for the 50,000 dollar question, Old McDonald had a
…?"
Hank yells out "Farm!"
The TV host gets excited and says, "Excellent Hank, now please
spell it."
Hank answers - "E-I-E-I-O"

CHAPTER 5
P a g e | 35
A professor at W.Virginia University is giving a lecture on the

supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How
many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands. "Well that's a good start.

Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think
you've ever seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm

really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked
to a ghost?
15 students raise their hands. "That's a great response. Has

anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their
hands. "That's fantastic."
"But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ev-
er made love to a ghost?"
One student in a flannel shirt and baseball cap way in the back
raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his
glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've
been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept
with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your
experience."
The redneck student complies with a nod and a grin, and begins
to make his way up to the podium.
The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with
a ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost?!? Sheeyit..... From back there it

sounded like you said 'goats'".
Best Sarcastic Jokes
CHAPTER 6
P a g e | 37
CHAPTER 6

Best Sarcastic Jokes #1
I'll never forget the first time we met.... all though I'll keep try-
ing...
Tom was in love with Michelle. They had been seeing each oth-
er for almost a year, but Tom was a paranoid affluent man. He
was worried about rumors going around about Michelle, and
how she was a golddigger. Tom had his share of golddiggers,
lustful for money, and power.
So when Tom called Michelle one afternoon, he suddenly asked

her if it was true that she was a golddigger. Michelle paused for
a moment, then brightly replied yes.
Tom insulted her and hung up. Michelle, distraught and hurt,
put down the phone. Her manager yelled at her, and she picked
up the mallet beside her. She walked slowly into the mine
weeping and angerly golddigging all day.
CHAPTER 6
A teenage boy and his grandfather were fishing one day. While
fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have
changed. The boy acknowledges this and starts talking about
the various problems and diseases going around today.
The teen says, "Gramps, they didn't have a whole lot of prob-
lems with too many kids when you were young did they?"
The grandfather replies, "Nope."
The teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for birth control?"
The old guy replies, "A wedding ring."
Short Hilarious Jokes
CHAPTER 7
CHAPTER 7

Short Hilarious Jokes #1
A husband was having an affair. His wife kept getting more and
more suspicious, and finally spoke to her maid about it.
Wife: I have a suspicion that my husband might be having an

affair in his office.
Maid: Go on! You're only saying that to make me jealous.
What is a gentleman?
A by-product of six generations of well breeding, or one good
estimate at the stock market.
Who is a lecturer?
Someone who talks to you in your sleep.
What is adultery?
Wrong people doing the right thing.
CHAPTER 7
P a g e | 41
Husband: Sweetheart, would you say that I'm the only man
you've ever loved?
Wife: Of course you are! Why do all men ask me the same silly
question?
A man writing in his diary: I am an ideal man. I don't smoke,

drink, or go to night clubs. I have always been loyal to my wife
and don't flirt with strange women. I sleep at eight o'clock and
wake up early. I exercise daily and work regular hours. But all
this will change as soon as I get out of prison.
Cop (to a little boy): Which of the 2 men fighting in the street is
your father?
Boy: I don't really know. That's what they're fighting about.
Patient: I think I suffer from memory loss, Doc.

Doctor: I see and how long do you think you've had this prob-
lem?
Patient: What problem?
CHAPTER 7
A rude tourist was looking at paintings in a museum. He didn't

find anything interesting and turned to the attendant while
pointing to a large frame.
Tourist: (making an ugly face) Is this what you call art?
Attendant: No sir, this is what we call a mirror.
Business Jokes
CHAPTER 8
CHAPTER 8
Business Jokes
Business Jokes
The Best Business Jokes #1
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys...

All are on different limbs,... at different levels,... some are
climbing up, others climbing down.
The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smil-
ing faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but

a**holes.
Staff: “A little. What’s wrong sir?”

Manager: “Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to
say all she received was a blank page. I tried it again, and the
same thing happened.”
Staff: “How did you load the sheet?”
Manager: “I didn’t want anyone else to read it by accident, so I
folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it.”
CHAPTER 8
P a g e | 45
The Ten Commandments Of Employment
1. If it rings, put it on hold.

2. If it clunks, call the repairman.
3. If it whistles, ignore it.
4. If it's a friend, stop work and chat.
5. If it's the boss, look busy.
6. If it talks, take notes.
7. If it's handwritten, type it.
8. If it's typed, copy it.
9. If it's copied, file it.
10. If it's Friday, forget it!
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when
he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of
paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important

document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can
you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine

on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared

inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
CHAPTER 8
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.
"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at

home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic
and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you
the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"
Many years ago, a large American shoe company sent two sales
representatives out to different parts of the Australian outback
to see if they could drum up some business among the Abori-
gines.
Some time later, the company received telegrams from both

agents.
The first said, "No business here... natives don't wear shoes."
The second one said, "Great opportunity here... natives don't

wear shoes!"
CHAPTER 8
P a g e | 47
Two construction workers always noticed that their boss always

left early on Fridays. So one asked the other that if the boss left
early next Friday if he would want to also. The other man
agreed.
Sure enough, when Friday came, the boss left early. Therefore,
the two men left also. The one offered the other to join him
down at the bar, but he decided to just head on home. When
he arrived home, he heard a noise from up stairs. When
he reached the top of the stairs, he noticed that the noise was
coming from the bedroom. He opened the door and saw his
boss sleeping with his wife, so he quietly closed the door and
headed back down the stairs and out the front door.
He made his way down to the bar to see if his friend was still
there and he was. His friend asked, "I thought you were headed
home?" The man replied, "I did, but this is the last time I ever
leave work early again." His friend asked, "Why's that?" The
man replied, "I almost got caught by the boss."
CHAPTER 8
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He

reduces his altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers
the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me
where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering
30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Technical Support," says the balloonist.

"I do," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is

technically correct, but completely useless."
The man below says: "You must be in management."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where
you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're still
in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my
fault."
CHAPTER 8
P a g e | 49
Bar Jokes
CHAPTER 9
P a g e | 51
CHAPTER 9
Best Bar Jokes
Best Bar Jokes

The Best Bar Jokes #1
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and or-

ders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink,
he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to
prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he
again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to
bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, bud-
dy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me
why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When
she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he
needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his
drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not
drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another
sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"
CHAPTER 9
There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop
passes by, and says, "What do you think you're doing?" The
drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours,
and I'm waiting on my house. Won't be long now, there goes
my neighbor."
There were these two guys in a bar, which was on the 20th
floor of a building. The first man said " I bet you $100 I can
jump out that window and come straight back in!" The second
man says "Ok, sure." and the barman holds the bet. The first
man jumps out the window and disappears for a second before
jumping straight back in. Disappointed about losing the $100,
the second man says: " I'll bet you another $100 you can't do it
again." So the barman holds the bet. Sure enough, the first
man jumps out the window, disappears for a second, then
jumps straight back in. Thinking he must have caught a freak
gust of wind, the second man says "Ok, I bet you $300 I can
jump out the window and come straight back in." The first man
says" Ok, sure." The second man jumps out the window and
falls to the footpath below. He is dead. Back up in the bar, the
barman says to the first man " Gee, you can be a bastard when
you're drunk, Superman."
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy

bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence
laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar,
trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before
he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with
his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove
CHAPTER 9
P a g e | 53
off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver,
read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The
results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded
to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the
Designated Decoy."
One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drink-
ing some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You
see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm
gonna go over there and talk to him." So, he goes over to the
man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir," he starts,
"but I noticed you look just like me!" The second man turns
around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you
from?", "I'm from Dublin", second man stunned says, "Me too!
What street do you live on?", "McCarthy street", second man
replies, "Me too! What number is it?", the first man announces,
"162", second man shocked says, "Me too! What are your par-
ents names?", first man replies, "Connor and Shannon", second
man awestruck says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!"
So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some
more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender
comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks "What's
new today?" "Oh, the Murphy twins are drunk again."
A guy named Benny is sitting in a bar mouthing off that he

knows everybody. So his buddy bets $10 the next person to
walk in the bar didn't know him. Somebody walks in the bar
and says "Hey Benny what's up?" so the guy then bets him
$100 he doesn't know the first person they see outside walking
down the street. So they go outside and see some coming up to
CHAPTER 9
the bar and says "Hey Benny how are things going?". Flustered
the guy bets him $500 he doesn't know the President. So they
drive up to the white house and the security guard says "Benny
you know you can't just show up here like this." Then a limo
pulls up with the president in it and he rolls down the window
and says "Hey Benny how have you been?" So then he bets him
$1000 he doesn't know the Pope. So they take a plane down to
Rome and he says" Ok now watch up there on that balcony I'm
gonna come out there with the Pope." So he goes up there and
looks down to see his friend pass out. He goes down there and
says "Are you that surprised that I know the Pope?" he goes
"No somebody walked behind me and said who's that guy up
there with Benny!"

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4| Page The Best Jokes of All Time

The Best Jokes Ever

The Best Jokes Ever

The Best Jokes Ever #1

The Best Jokes Ever #2

A man is sitting on the bank of a river with a turtle and he is

The man replies - "what turtle"?

6| Page The Best Jokes of All Time

The Best Jokes Ever #3

A man gets plastic surgery to look younger (he's 46 years old).

The Best Jokes Ever #4

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how

hung, male stripper."

The Best Jokes Ever #5

The Best Jokes Ever #6

A married couple went to a restaurant to grab a bite to eat.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains

"But we didn't use them," the man complains.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man

10 | P a g e The Best Jokes of All Time

man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and

A woman brings eight-year-old Timmy home and tells his

A little boy is standing around eating candy when a stranger

The little boy replied, "My Grandfather lived to be 95 years old."

"Did he eat a lot of candy as well?" the stranger asked.

The second muffin looks over and says, "HOLY!!! There is a

The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so I

12 | P a g e The Best Jokes of All Time

This is the transcript of the actual radio conversation of a US

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees South.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees

Canadians: Negative. Please divert your course 15 degrees

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN,

Canadians: This is a Canadian lighthouse! Your call!

Teacher: If I gave you two rabbits , and another two rab-

Johnny: Seven Sir

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you two rabbits ,

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you two rabbits , and

Teacher: Where do you get seven from?!?

Johnny: Because I have already one at home!!

14 | P a g e The Best Jokes of All Time

A guy named Benny is sitting in a bar mouthing off that he

Best Blonde Jokes

Best Blonde Jokes

A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she

Best Blonde Jokes #2

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a

18 | P a g e The Best Jokes of All Time

Best Blonde Jokes #3

Best Blonde Jokes #4

A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a

Best Blonde Jokes #5

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer

Best Blonde Jokes #6

20 | P a g e The Best Jokes of All Time

Best Blonde Jokes #7