Huertas 1

Pearson Tutor Services Response Form

Your tutor has written overview comments about your essay in the form below. Your tutor has also
embedded comments [in bold and in brackets] throughout your essay. Thank you for choosing
Pearson Tutor Services' Online Writing Center to help you improve your writing!

Hello, Amalia! My name is Angela B. I look forward to working with you on this Pearson Essay
Review to improve your writing today. Let's get started!

*Writing Strength:
You introduce the issue clearly:

Do you think sex education should or should not be taught in middle school? Even though,
everyone has their own opinion about this topic. It has been a big debate if the best thing to
do for adolescents is to teach them about sex in middle school.

This allows your readers to understand that there is currently a debate regarding sex education being
taught in middle school. Good job, Amalia!

Main Idea/Thesis
Your thesis statement does not precisely preview your essay:
However, I believe sex education should not be taught in middle school.
In your essay, you talk about specific reasons why sex education should not be taught in middle
school. However, you do not mention these specific topics in your thesis statement. This might
leave your readers unprepared for the rest of your essay; they might not know what to expect
from it.
Consider being more specific in your thesis statement. In it, you might want to identify the specific
topics that you cover in your essay. It might help to go over your essay again to take note of
those topics. Afterwards, you might want to integrate these into your thesis statement. Take a
look at this sample thesis statement for a similar essay:
At least 25 percent of the federal budget should be spent on helping upgrade business to
clean technologies, researching renewable energy sources, and planting more trees in
order to control or eliminate pollution.
This sample thesis statement identifies three specific causes for the failure of a project. Consider
using it as a model for when you revise your own.
*Amalia 9687220 has requested that you respond to the Content Development:
Your draft contains points that are underdeveloped, Amalia. A well-developed paragraph leaves the
reader feeling that the information given is thorough and complete. One good way to develop ideas is
through making a point, providing an example, and explaining how that point relates to your thesis.

P: Make a point: Starting to learn about sex at a young age only destroys their child
hood because their minds are already starting to think about the curiosity in sex.

I: Illustrate the point: How exactly does curiosity “destroy” their childhood?

E: Explain how this point relates to the thesis.

*Amalia 9687220 has requested that you respond to the Grammar & Mechanics:
Some of your common nouns are incorrectly capitalized. This is a problem because your readers will
be confused, and they are not sure whether or not you’re pertaining to a specific thing. I’ll be quoting
a sentence from your draft:
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So, how do one expect the students in middle school to know what the meanings of
Amenorrhea, Contraception, Embryo, Estrogen, Zygote, and many other words for students to
know.

Generally, the first letter of a medical condition is not supposed to be capitalized unless it begins a
sentence. For example:

· Gerry is not sure how he acquired diabetes.

· Diabetes is a serious life-long health condition.

An exception to this rule would be eponymous medical conditions which would example:

· Asperger’s is a considered as a developmental disorder.

· That's the fate of most babies diagnosed with Down syndrome while in the womb.

You may use the example above to aid you in the revision process.

Summary of Next Steps:

 Create a concise thesis statement.

 Develop your ideas well.

Thank you for submitting your essay for a review. I enjoyed helping you with this step in the revision
process. Have a good day, Amalia! – Angela B.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Please look for more comments [in bold and in brackets] in your essay below.
Thank you for submitting your work to Pearson Tutor Services! We hope to see you again soon.

Amalia Huertas

ENG-100-83

Ms. Moore

4/29/17

Sex Education

Do you think sex education should or should not be taught in middle school? Even

though, everyone has their own opinion about this topic. It has been a big debate if the best thing

to do for adolescents is to teach them about sex in middle school. However, I believe sex
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education should not be taught in middle school. [What are the specific reasons that will be

discussed in the paper? Remember to outline the specific topics of the paper in order to

complete your thesis and better guide your readers!]

Readers might suggest the more adolescents know about sex, the more aware they can be

before being active. Yes, they should be taught but from their parents at first or individually.

Starting to learn about sex at a young age only destroys their child hood because their minds are

already starting to think about the curiosity in sex. Instead of focusing on many other enjoying

things they can be doing at their age. There is so much exposure out there in social media that

effects adolescent’s sexual attitudes and behaviors. We should be making the changes in a

process.

Sex education should not be taught in middle school for the lack of the developing

matureness adolescents’ have. Adolescents brains are still growing, so their impulses are still

strong. The want to act for that certain moment without thinking about it. This demonstrates that

they will tease and will laugh about the topic of sex. They will not take it serious in that moment.

The more a brain is developed, the more understanding the adolescent has on what he or she is

being taught. [Where is this information from? Consider validating your claims with facts

from reliable sources in order to add credibility to your paper.] The reason why sex

education is taught is so that the students learn from it in a reasonable way. This will only cause

more curiosity into themselves, leading them to try something they know so little about, and

perhaps leading into bigger consequences. Sex education should be taught when the brain is

more developed to understand this topic better.

Another reason is adolescents won’t be able to understand all the definitions, they will

take the lectures as something simple with no serious outcomes. Teachers in middle schools are
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still teaching students to learn new vocabulary words So, how do one expect the students in

middle school to know what the meanings of Amenorrhea, Contraception, Embryo, Estrogen,

Zygote, and many other words for students to know. Sex education is something serious to be

taught and adolescents still don’t get the big importance it has until they understand the words

and the outcomes it can have on themselves. Furthermore, it is a process that should happen.

Adolescents in middle school are only starting to be curious about sexuality questions, so it’s

best to break it down into pieces until they have developed a better way to handle this topic.

Teaching sex education should be taught when there is a better understanding. [When exactly is

this moment of having “a better understanding”? Clarify this for your readers.]

The most important reason is so adolescents won’t be intrigued wanting to try something

they haven’t done, leading to emotional and physical risk for themselves. Adolescents start being

curious in learning about sex education. They can feel confused and maybe an effect can knock

them down along the way. [What does it mean to be “knocked down along the way”? How

exactly is this an effect of sex education in middle school? Clarify this for your readers.]

They will need guidance so they won’t be misguided. Changes might happen in their brains.

Adolescents need to know how to change, but in a healthy way. It all starts with small talks from

the parents or individual teachings if the adolescents need it. Giving out condoms at a younger

age only make it worse because its intriguing them to be active in sex, which can cause

emotional and physical damages such as STDs for physical and depression for emotional. Sex

education has many side effects it can bring to an adolescent.

The lack of the developing matureness adolescents has will make lectures be seen simple

with no serious outcomes Sex education not being taught in middle school will improve an
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adolescent in living their childhood in a heathy way. Sex education can start being learned in

high school.