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Exercises for Kenman, “Tone and Style”
Exercise 1: "Test for Correctness (MECH) and Wordiness (RED)"

The following ten sentences have instances of incorrect, unnecessary, and wordy usages. Rewrite
them correctly and succinctly. Don't change anything that is correct, and be sure to preserve the
original meanings. The sentences are from letters, here out of context.
1. The way things usually go, we make an effort to notify most of our customers
regarding the status of their accounts, irregardless of their balance.
2. We find it necessary to inform you that we've located other office space to use during
the period of the project while the building is being remodeled.
3. Mrs. Hanson has referred our company to many useful sources; therefore, its
essential that the secretary draw up a certificate of appreciation for her as soon as
possible.
4. Considering the difficulties of the marketing team, we may want to give some thought
and reflection to the aforementioned idea presented by the production group.
5. He personally thinks that there are too few favorable surveys being returned back in
to the personnel department in order to justify a raise for anyone.
6. The marketing manager was forcefully prodded into making a poorly considered
decision.
7. I may have to answer in the positive, but I think the action you requested wouldn't
have the desired affect on the advertising campaign. It seems that you might have
overlooked this fact.
8. Long before the product was first introduced into the city, the marketing team planned
and strategized how to sort of reach the target population.
9. In past, bygone days, the company had an entire array of products which could have
been shown to any of our several potential buyers should they have happened to
stop by our only office.
10. Every one of the letters, notes, memos, and etc. should have arrived in the
courthouse no later than 15 February.
a) Don't use there (be).

b) N  VB
Exercise 1@: "Test for Correctness and Wordiness"

The following ten sentences have instances of incorrect, unnecessary, and wordy usages. Rewrite
them correctly and succinctly. Don't change anything that is correct, and be sure to preserve the
original meanings. The sentences are from letters, here out of context.
try
1. The way things usually go, we ^ make an effort to notify (most of) our customers
of, about
regarding^ (the status of) their accounts, irregardless of their balance.
found
2. We find it necessary to inform you that we've ^located other office space to use (during
the period of the project) while the building is being remodeled.
it's
3. Mrs. Hanson has referred our company to many useful sources; therefore, ^ its essential
that the secretary draw up a certificate of appreciation for her as soon as possible.
{Because of } marketing team's difficulties think

about
4. Considering the difficulties of the marketing team , we may want to give some ^
thought and reflection to the aforementioned idea presented by the production group.
are
5. He personally thinks that there are too few favorable surveys^ being returned back in to
the personnel department (in order) to justify a raise for anyone.
prodded OR O. K.
d e
6. The marketing manager was ^ forcefully prodded into making a poorly considered
decision. ^
yes { your request } (might
not)
7. I may have to answer ^ in the positive, but I think the request you made wouldn't have
e
the desired affect on the advertising campaign. It seems that you might have
possibility
overlooked this^ fact.
(the strategy of?)
8. Long before the product first was introduced into the city, the marketing team planned
and strategized how to sort of reach the target population.
the
9. In ^ past, bygone days, the company had an entire array of products which could have
if had
been shown to any of our several (potential) buyers ^ should they ^have happened to
ped
stop ^ by our only office.
and
10. (Every one of) the letters, notes, ^memos, and etc. should have arrived in the courthouse
by
no later than^ 15 February.
Exercise 2: "Eliminate Inflation, Archaism, Turgidity, Jargon, and

Legalese"
Revise the following ten sentences so that they have no words or phrases that are incorrect,
unnecessary, wordy, archaic, inflated, or confusingly technical. Do not ignore what you learned from
the previous chapter. Don't change any structure that is correct. Don't change the meaning of any
of the sentences. (DMUC)
1. Per the previously stated conditions of our contract, you'll forthwith be receiving our
draft in the specified amount of $345.67.
2. Should it come about that you're unable to get adequate financing prior to the close
of business tomorrow, I'd advise you to consider seeking out a less expensive house.
3. The manager of the clothing store advised me that the suit had spots on it's jacket
prior to my purchasing it.
4. I'm happy to inform you that I was able to reach the manager in re her new
computer.
5. The court had delivered to me the exact same type of subpoena that you received.
6. Your telephone call referring to your horse has been duly recorded with good
intentions.
7. With regard to your request, I'm forwarding you all of my personal correspondence
received subsequent to 20 May.
8. We've inaugurated a series of two-hour workshops on the fundamental basics of

teaching English writing techniques; this series will be one of several programs we're
planning to offer in the future.
9. Even though the machines were very tiny, they were significantly heavy and,
therefore, had to be shipped in accordance with governmental regulations.
10. Seeing how the commission has decided to consider the proposal that Ms.
Lawrence presented, the personnel director personally thinks it should applaud her
lobbying efforts.
Inflated Jargon
advise easement
inform } tell on margin
share
Exercise 2@:" Eliminate Inflation, Archaism, Turgidity, Jargon, or

Legalese"
Revise the following ten sentences so that they have no words or phrases that are incorrect,
unnecessary, wordy, archaic, inflated, or confusingly technical. Don't ignore what you learned from
the previous exercise. Don't change anything that's correct. (DMUC)
According to
As stated in immediately
receive
1. Per^ (the) previously stated (conditions of) our contract, you'll^ forthwith be receiving^
{check} for
our draft in the specified amount of^ $345.67.
If you can't
before
2. Should it come about that you are unable to get adequate financing prior to^ the
looking for
close of business tomorrow, I'd advise you to consider ^ seeking out a less expensive
house.
told its
3. The manager of the clothing store advised^ me that the suit had spots on ît's jacket
before I bought
^prior to my purchasing it.
tell reached about

4. (I'm happy to^ inform you that) I^ was able to reach the manager^ in re her new
computer.
5. The court had delivered to me the exact same type of subpoena that you got.
Thank you for about (Thank you for calling me about...)
6. ^Your telephone call^ referring to your horse has been duly recorded with good
intentions.
As you requested sending
7. With regard to your request^, I am forwarding to^ you all of my personal
after
correspondence received^ subsequent to 20 May.
begun
started
8. We've^ inaugurated a series of two-hour workshops on the fundamental basics of
teaching English writing (techniques); this series will be one of several (programs)
we('re) plan(ning) to offer in the future.
9. Even though the machines were tiny, they were significantly heavy and, therefore,
had
(according to) ~ under
to be shipped^ in accordance with governmental regulations.
Because { is considering } 's
proposal
10. Seeing how^ the commission has decided to consider the proposal that Ms.
Lawrence^
presented, the personnel director personally thinks it should applaud her lobbying
efforts.
Exercise 3: "Use Content (Meaningful) Verbs"

The verb be and general action verbs make the following ten sentences prolix and weak. Make
them shorter and more forceful by using specific-action verbs. Don't forget to use what you learned
from the previous chapters, and don't change anything that's correct.
1. Its Mr. Rasputin's feeling that ...
2. If there are decreases in freight rates by the shipping lines, there's the
possibility of their making our bids uncompetitive.
3. Chairman Koizumi's request is that a review of Thunderbird, Inc.'s books

be performed by a C.P.A.
4. The utilization of computers creates a great reduction in the amount of

calculating time.
5. An audit of all the invoices for the institutional customers was performed
by Mrs. González.
6. Donald Rumsfeld is someone who can be of significant help to your ad-

vertising campaign.
7. Alteration of the project scenario must be effected by Mónica Dogwood on

or before 17 February.
8. Because my credit department is undergoing a reorganization, a delay in

the processing of the accounts receivable has been experienced.
9. The psychologist has effected a complete transformation of my friend's

self-perception.
10. There will certainly be an overheating of the radiator by our ancient en-
gine.
Avoid ... + N Don't change Change the NOUN of to

accomplish DEF a verb form: e.g. the uti-
achieve NUM lization of computers 
be TNS using computers.
cause (VB) etc.
do
effect (VB) N  VB
make
result (VB)
there + be
undergo
Exercise 3@: "Use Content (Meaningful) Verbs"

The verb be and general action verbs make the following ten sentences prolix and weak. Make
them shorter and more forceful by using specific-action verbs. Don't forget to use what you learned
from the previous chapters, and don't change anything that's correct.
s
1. Its Mr. Rasputin's feeling^ that ....
If the shipping lines decrease freight rates,
are decreased they may make
2. If there are decreases in freight rates^by the shipping lines, there's
the^possibility of their makingôur bids noncompetitive.
Chairman Koizumi wants a C.P.A. to review Thunderbird, Inc.'s books.
s C.P.A.
3. Chairman Koizumi's requestîs that a^review of Thunderbird, Inc.'s books
be performed by a C.P.A.
Using ly es
4. The utilization of^computers creates a great^reduction in the amount of
calculating time. Computers reduce calculating time.
Ms. González ed
5. ^ An audit ^ of all the invoices for the institutional customers was per-
formed by Mrs. González.
ly
6. Donald Rumsfeld is someone who can be of significant^ help to your ad-
vertising campaign.
Mónica Dogwood must {change} by
7. ^ Alteration of the project (scenario) ^must be effected by Mónica Dogwood
on or before 17 February.
Reorganizing my credit department has delayed processing the accounts receivable.
Since we are reorganizing my credit department, ...
being ed
8. Because my credit department isûndergoing a reorganization, a delay in the
processing of
delayed
the accounts receivable has beenêxperienced.
ly) ed
9. The psychologist has effected a (complete^transformation of my friend's
self-perception.
Our old engine
10. There^ will certainly be an overheating of the radiator by our ancient en-
gine.
Avoid ... + N Don't change Change the NOUN of to
accomplish make DEF a verb form: e.g. the uti-
achieve result (VB) NUM lization of computers ß
be there + be TNS using computers.
cause (VB) undergo etc.
effect (VB) N  VB
Exercise 4: "Make Your Sentences Active and Personal"

The following ten sentences contain passive and linking constructions. Revise them so every
subject-verb combination becomes active. Try to use only personal, or at least concrete, subjects.
Add reasonable agents where necessary. Don't ignore previous material. Don't change anything
that's correct. (DMUC)
1. After customers' requests for refunds are accepted by the manager of the
department, credit coupons are then sent to them by it.
2. Mr. Saddam has been informed of your recent assignment by the new
director.
3. There were chemical processors that were acquired from several sources
by the company's buyers.
4. The workshop following the teacher's presentation was cut short because
few people had questions.
5. The moldy cheese was taken out of the crates of good cheese by the dairy
manager and was eventually sold to pig farmers.
6. Purchasing the usual goods via the regular channels was Mr. Geer's de-
cision.
7. It was essential that a check of the machinery be done by his firm's

evaluators to determine it's output rate.
8. Their fulfilling a sales quota of nine trucks per month is the stipulation of
the manager of the sales department.
9. This television show was produced by Mr. Conn for children who'll soon
enter school.
10. The current decrease in output might be brought about by the fact that
there is little supervisory help.
John's been hit by Michael.  ?
CONCR and PERS

Eliminate there be constructions.
Reduce it be constructions.
Eliminate meaningless verbs; change nouns into verbs: N  VB
Exercise 4: "Make Your Sentences Active and Personal"

The following ten sentences contain passive and linking constructions. Revise them so every
subject-verb combination becomes active. Try to use only personal, or at least concrete, subjects.
Add reasonable agents where necessary. Don't ignore previous material. Don't change anything
that's correct. (DMUC)
the manager (of the department) accepts
1. After^ customers' requests for refunds are accepted by the manager of
the (it)
the department then sends them
department, ^credit coupons is then sent to him by the department.
{ told }
The new director has informed
2. ^Mr. Saddam has been informed of your recent assignment by the new
director.
{ got }
The company's buyers acquired
3. There were^ chemical processors that were acquired from several sources
by the company's buyers.
<-> is ≠
{They}
We cut short { after }
4. ^The workshop following the teacher's presentation was cut short because
few people had questions. ~ Few questions cut short the....
The dairy manager took

5. ^The moldy cheese was taken from the crates of good cheese by the dairy
manager
it
and was eventually sold ^ to pig farmers.
{buy }
Mr. Geer decided to purchase through?
6. ^Purchasing the usual goods via^ the regular channels was Mr. Geer's
decision.
His firm's evaluators had to ('s) (in order to {measure} its
7. It was essential that ^ a check of the machinery^ be done by his firm's
evaluators ^ (to determine ît's) output rate.
d}
The manager of the sales department stipulates insists on, requires
8. ^(Fulfilling) a sales quota of nine trucks per month is the stipulation of the
manager of the sales department.
Mr. Conn produced
9. ^This television show was produced by Mr. Conn for children who'll soon
enter school. ...soon entering...
Output might (currently) be decreasing because of
10. ^The current decrease in output might be brought about by the fact that
there is little supervisory help. .might (currently) be decreasing output.
Exercise 5: "Be Specific"

Revise each sentence below by replacing the unclear word or long phrase with a more specific but
reasonable one. Don't simply change the meaning of any of the sentences; add to it by being more
specific. Make use of material from previous chapters. Don't change anything that's correct. Be a little
creative, but realistic.
1. This colorful piece of plastic can be used to obtain money overseas and is honored in all
international hotels.
2. I often use this small, hand-held machine to balance my checkbook.
3. These 500 companies which have the highest yearly revenues will be recruiting on
campus.
4. In some area of the world, merchants use a small device of wood and beads to calculate
their profit.
5. At my school, some students eat their second meal of the day in this eating area.
6. Inc. magazine discusses the many dimensions of new, small, growing, creative
businesses.
7. The two largest American cities have only nasty, contaminated, gray environments in
common. [pollution]
8. These certificates of company ownership are bought and sold on the largest U.S. stock
exchange. [traded]
9. She ran water over her hands with a bit of soap after she got them dirty in the laboratory.
10. My high-tech electronic device attached to the phone is acting a little strange.
More vague words and expressions, not just definitions

Exercise 5@: "Be Specific"

Revise each sentence below by replacing the unclear word or long phrase with a more specific but
reasonable one. Don't simply change the meaning of any of the sentences; add to it by being more
specific. Make use of material from previous chapters. Don't change anything that's correct. Be a little
creative, but realistic.
credit card {accepted} {withdraw }

1. This colorful piece of plastic^ can be used to obtain money overseas and is honored in all
international hotels.
(pocket) calculator
2. I often use this^ small, hand-held machine to balance my checkbook.
Fortune
3. These ^500 companies which have the highest yearly revenues will be recruiting on
campus.
Asia n abacus
4. In ^some area of the world, merchants use a ^small device of wood and beads to
calculate their profit.
Thunderbird lunch the Commons
5. At ^my school, some students eat ^their second meal of the day in ^this eating area.
entrepreneurships
6. Inc. magazine discusses the many dimensions of ^new, small, growing, creative
businesses. ... joint ventures ... ... venture businesses ...
New York and Los Angeles pollution
7. ^The two largest American cities have only ^nasty, contaminated, gray environments in
common. [pollution]
shares
stocks
8. These ^certificates of company ownership are bought and sold on the New York Stock
Exchange. [traded]
washed
9. She ^ran water over her hands (with a bit of soap) after she got them dirty in the
laboratory.
fax ~ answering machine has a problem

10. My ^mid-tech electronic device attached to the phone îs acting a little strange.
Exercise 6: "Be Simple to Be Concise." Think Succinct!

The following ten sentences contain inflated language, wordy or unnecessary phrases, "the
NOUN of" phrases, and wordy clauses. Revise them. Don't ignore previous material. Don't
change anything that is correct.
1. I'm writing to inform you that the product which you ordered has been out of
stock for somewhere around three weeks.
2. I look forward with the greatest of anticipation to our mutual agreement to a

suitable compromise.
3. My associates and I await the realization of a decision which would allow us

to utilize the facilities they have available.
4. He was hired on the premise that he had a good comprehension of our

present-day situation.
5. The information which is attached herewith is of a confidential nature.
6. We've already previously gone through each of the reports and chosen the
most completely accurate one.
7. I'm writing you in regard to your interest in our training program--the matter
which we discussed earlier on the phone.
8. Files which are old and outdated should be discarded in the garbage.
9. If any problems which we didn't foresee should arise, please contact Mrs.
Zhurkov, who's our sales manager.
10. We intend to start the undertaking of a new project.
the NOUN of  VBing or to VB
I saw the riot of the crowd.  I saw the rioting crowd. I saw the crowd riot.
I'm hoping for the end of the war.  I'm hoping for the war to end.
Avoid area, nature, and region.

Exercise 6@: "Be Simple to Be Concise." Think Succinct!

The following ten sentences contain inflated language, wordy or unnecessary phrases, "the NOUN of"
phrases, and wordy clauses. Revise them. Don't ignore previous material. Don't change anything that is
correct. DMUC
T
1. I'm writing to inform you that the product (which) you ordered has been out of stock for
somewhere around three weeks.
(eagerly) {compromising.}
2. I look forward ^with the greatest of anticipation to our mutual agreement on a suitable
compromise. ... our agreeing to ...
{allowing us to use}
{are waiting for} for our using
3. My associates and I await the realization of a decision ^which would allow us to utilize the facilities
(they have) available. ... their facilities ... permission to use ...
{understood }
We him because comprehended
4. He was^ hired^ on the premise that^ he had a good comprehension of^ our
{current} well
present-day^ situation^.
(<-------------->)
5. The information which is attached herewith is of a confidential nature.
read
6. We've already ~ previously {gone through} each of the reports and chosen the most completely
accurate one.
about
7. I'm writing (you) ^ in regard to your interest in our training program--the
what discussed
matter of which^ we spoke^ earlier on the phone.
O files {thrown out}

8. Files which are (old and) outdated^ should be discarded in the garbage.
(unforeseen)
9. If any^ problems which we didn't foresee should arise, please contact Mrs. Zhurkov, who's our
sales manager.
{plan} {undertake}
10. We intend to start the undertaking of a new project.
the NOUN of  VBing or to VB
I saw the riot of the crowd.  I saw the crowd rioting.

I'm hoping for the end of the war.  I'm hoping for the war to end.
Avoid area, nature, and region.

Exercise 7: "Use Modifiers Clearly"

The following ten sentences are not clear either because the modifiers are misplaced (MM) or
because they dangle. Revise the sentences. Don't ignore previous material from earlier chapters.
Don't change anything that's correct. Reversing the danglers doesn't help. Don't make any
unnecessary changes (DMUC); don't needlessly reorder syntagmata. Where more than one inter -
pretation is possible, give the most sensible, general, and expected version.
1. While leaving the room, his head bumped into the dangling, low fixture.
2. In his arms, the teacher was holding a baby lecturing to the students.
3. To swim well, some practice is required.
4. At the next Toastmasters meeting, she wanted to give her speech badly.
5. When only a child, Carla's kindergarten teacher inspired her.
6. To pay off their loan in full, they wanted to make the last payment on their car in
the bank.
7. After having played golf for twenty years, the courses designed by Arnold Palmer
(1929I10-20xx) still seemed challenging to me.
8. Driving home, the road was wet and slippery.
9. She decided on Friday to call him. [This sentence has two meanings. Give each
in a separate sentence.]
10. He talked over the raucous music with his guitar-picking pal. [This sentence has
two meanings because of the two-word verb. Give each in a separate sentence.]
Slippery Single-word Modifiers

almost hardly only
also just
but nearly MM
even not PLCL
Only John only sings only here only. He's a strong person and friend. [?]
Dangling Modifiers: The following pattern must be used: ... VERBAL ..., SUBJ ...
Exercise 7@: "Use Modifiers Clearly"

The following ten sentences are misleading or aren't clear either because the modifiers are misplaced
(MM) or because they dangle. Revise the sentences. Don't ignore previous material. Don't change
anything that is correct. Where more than one interpretation is possible, give the most sensible, general,
and expected version.
(he was) he bumped
1. While ^leaving the room, ^ his head bumped into the dangling, low fixture.
(While) Holding a baby in (holding a baby while)
2. În his arms, the teacher was holding a baby ^lecturing to the students. While lecturing ...
{we }
For you you must
3. ^To swim well, ^some practice is required.
badly
4. At the next Toastmaster's meeting, she ^wanted^ to give her speech badly.
(Carla was) was inspired by her
5. When ônly a child, Carla's ^kindergarten teacher inspired her.
car ir
6. To pay off their^ loan (in full), they wanted to make the^ last payment on their car in the bank.
{I had } I still seemed challenged by
7. After (my) having played golf for twenty years, ^ the courses designed by Arnold Palmer still
seemed challenging.
I found
8. Driving home, ^the road was wet and slippery. While ...
On the next day, she DIFFERENT (on) the next day
9. ^She decided on the next day to call him ^.
10. He talked over the raucous music with his guitar-picking pal. [This sentence has two meanings
because of the two-word verb. Give each in a separate sentence.]
(a) He talked the raucous music over ... He discussed ...
(b) He talked louder than the raucous music with ...

Over the raucous music, he ...
Slippery Single-word Modifiers

almost MM
also PLCL
but
even
hardly
just
nearly
not
only
Only John only sings only here only.

Exercise 8: "Give Your Ideas Proper Emphasis"

The following seven examples lack subordination. That is, some of the ideas are expressed in forms that
overemphasize their importance. As much as is reasonably possible, revise each example by reducing
each undersubordinated idea to a clause, phrase, or single-word modifier. When more than one
interpretation is possible, give the most reasonable and likely one. Don't ignore previous material from
previous chapters. Don't change anything that is correct.
1. Enclosed is a gift that's large and beautiful.
2. Dr. Zen is the area monk, and he'll be happy to meet you on April 13.
3. Enclosed is a reproduction of your ink drawing, which has been retouched and airbrushed and
which is for your collection.
4. The Gourmet-Gourmand Club announced a new and improved recipe for the creating of spinach
quiche.
5. On the counter, there's food that's tasty and healthy and cheap.
6. These hand-held, sophisticated computers have been created for salespeople who are in the
home-security business.
7. The CEO presented new guidelines for the hiring and promoting and rewarding and firing of vice-
presidents at the closed meeting which is being held by the pool.
The following sentence is oversubordinated. I.e., it's made too long by too many modifying clauses
and phrases. Break it up, making your editing changes right in the example. Then rewrite the entire
correction on your paper. You should have at least two new sentences.
8. The university possesses a variety of computers and printers, each type with it's own unique
problems and idiosyncrasies, causing mass chaos and confusion during peak hours at the
computer center, which need new ribbons.
Hierarchy
S > CL > PH > W > AFF
Coordinate adjectives: ADJ and ADJ  ADJ, ADJ

E.g. happy and tired  tired and happy  tired, happy
Exercise 8@: "Give Your Ideas Proper Emphasis"

The following six examples lack subordination. That is, some of the ideas are expressed in forms that
overemphasize their importance. As much as is reasonably possible, revise each example by reducing
each undersubordinated idea to a clause, phrase, or single-word modifier. Don't ignore previous material
from previous chapters. Don't change anything that is correct.
large, beautiful
1. Enclosed is a ^gift that's large and beaufiful.
, wi
2. Dr. Zenîs the area monk, and he'^ll be happy to meet you on April 13.
retouched, air-brushed
3. Enclosed is a reproduction of your înk drawing, which has been retouched and air-brushed and
which is for your collection.
n ,
4. The Gourmet-Gourmand Club announced a^ newând improved recipe for the creating of spinach
quiche.
i , ,
5. On the counter, there'^s food that's tasty^ and healthy^ and cheap. food.
are
6. These hand-held, sophisticated computers ^have been created for salespeople who are in the
home-security business.
At the closed meeting ((being) held) by the pool, the , ,
7. The ^ CEO presented new guidelines for the hiring ^ and promotingând
,
rewarding^ and firing of vice-presidents at the closed meeting which is being held by the pool.
The following sentence is oversubordinated. That is, it's made too long by too many modifying
clauses and phrases. Break it up, making your editing changes right in the example. Then rewrite the
entire correction on your lined paper. You should have at least two new sentences.
8. The university possesses a variety of computers and printers,which need new

Each has its
ribbons. each ^type with it's ôwn unique problems and idiosyncrasies, causing mass chaos and
confusion during peak hours at the computer center, which need new ribbons.
17
Hierarchy
S > CL > PH > W > AFF
Coordinate adjectives: ADJ and ADJ  ADJ, ADJ

E.g. happy and tired  tired and happy  tired, happy
Exercise 9: "Use Parallelism Correctly" //

Revise the following sentences so that there are no mistakes in parallelism. Don't change anything that is
correct. Be sure not to ignore what we covered in previous chapters. DMUC
1. Michele Luzette loves to ski, dance, and to swim.
2. Typing on the computer isn't difficult, but to input data into dBASE is another story.
3. You'll begin reading financial statements and how to write a business plan.
4. The negotiator researches the opponent's position first , then his own, and finally his strategy is
determined.
5. Financial analysts must carefully read The Wall Street Journal daily to check the Dow Jones
database, and watching Wall Street Week in Review is helpful.
6. I believe Ms. Green is intelligent, reliable, and has the potential to learn quickly.
7. She believes that the successful candidate should possess quantitative and qualitative business
skills and analyzing financial statements is crucial.
8. For an assembly-line worker to work efficiently is making the factory a more productive
environment.
9. Toastmasters gave her the opportunity to meet a variety of students at Thunderbird and speaking
practice.
10. The marketing function emphasizes the four components of product, price, promotion, place, and
stressing rational management.
______________________
// PLCL
Correlatives: either...or, neither...nor, not only...but also, both...and
Keep in mind that repetition is frequently useful and proper in creating parallel structures, and it
can be used for emphasis, sparingly. In parallel structures--lists, TOC, a series of conjuncts--begin
each item with the same word or phrase type.
Exercise 9@: "Use Parallelism Correctly"

Revise the following sentences so that there are no mistakes in parallelism. Don't change anything that is
correct. Be sure not to ignore what we covered in previous chapters. DMUC
1. Mechele Luzette loves to ski, dance, and to swim.

To type . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .to input
ting
2. Typing on the computer isn't difficult, but to input^ data into dBASE is another story.
(to learn how) to read . . . . . . . . . . (how) to write
(learning ^to) ing
3. You'll begin reading financial statements and how to write^ a business plan.
first (researches determines)

4. The negotiator^ researches the opponent's position first, then ^his own, and finally ^ his strategy is
determined.
5. Financial analysts must carefully read the Wall Street Journal daily to check the Dow Jones
database, and (should) watching Wall Street Week in Review is helpful.
is {able
6. I believe Ms.}Green is intelligent, ^reliable, and has the potential to learn quickly. ...can learn
quickly.
...has intelligence, reliability, and the potential to ... ...is potentially quick to learn.
business skills,
7. She believes that the successful candidate should possess quantitative ând
,
qualitative business skills^ and the crucial ability to analyze analyzing financial statements is crucial.
...quan. & qual. bus. skills and be able to... ...not only 1+2 but also 3...
to make
8. For an assembly-line worker to work efficiently is^ making the factory a more productive
environment.
to practice speaking and
9. Toastmasters gave her the opportunity^ to meet a variety of students at Thunderbird and speaking
practice.
stresses rational management and
10. The marketing function ^ emphasizes the four components of product, price,
and
promotion,^place, and stressing rational management.
Exercise 10: "Use Conjunctions and Punctuation Accurately"

Revise each sentence by inserting the appropriate conjunctions--coordinate, subordinate, or
adverbial conjunctions; be sure to add punctuation when necessary and to use appropriate
capitalization. Don't ignore previous material from previous exercises. Don't change anything
that's correct. Don't change the meaning of any of the sentences. Make sensible and
reasonable sentences.
1. John I won easily.
2. Steve was talented he failed.
3. Near the Thunderbird pool far from the library, the student was last seen.
4. Could you take Randy me skiing this weekend?
5. Southwest Airlines has regular flights from Phoenix to Los Angeles I

recommend that you take American.
6. Most of the students in this semester's InterAd class are excited about their projects
John told me that he was upset by the amount of research which must be
conducted.
7. Carolyn is fascinated with marketing she abhors accounting.
8. The French professor dismissed class early he could be on time for his
golf game.
9. The pub is filled to capacity the students continue to pour in.
10. The typical paid vacation is two weeks per year in the U.S. its five weeks
per year in France.
Exercise 10@: "Use Conjunctions and Punctuation Correctly"

Revise each sentence by inserting the most appropriate conjunction--coordinating, subordinating, or
adverbial; be sure to add punctuation when necessary and to use appropriate capitalization. Provide the
most sensible, reasonable, and usual interpretations. Don't change the meaning of any of the sentences.
Don't ignore previous material from previous chapters. Don't change anything that's correct.
1. John and I won easily.
2. Steve was talented, but he failed. ; however, ; nevertheless,
{, but?}
3. Near the Thunderbird pool and far from the library, the student was last seen.
{or }
4. Could you take Randy and me snow-skiing this weekend?
5. Southwest Airlines has regular flights from Phoenix to

{; however,}
Los Angeles, but I recommend that you take American.
6. Most of the students in this semester's Interad class

(,) although
{; however, }
are excited about their projects, but John told me that he was upset by the amount of research
which must be conducted.
{, but }
7. Carolyn is fascinated with marketing; however, she abhors accounting. , and because
?in order that?

8. The French professor dismissed class early so (that) he could be on time for his golf game.
; however,
{; nevertheless,}
, and
9. The pub is filled to capacity, but the students continue to pour in.
10. The typical paid vacation is two weeks per year in the U.S.
while
{; however,}
, but '
, and its five weeks per year in France.
Exercise 11: "Be Natural"

Each of the following sentences contains business jargon and inappropriate colloquialisms, slang, or
clich‚s. Revise each one so they become more natural and businesslike. Be sure not to ignore what we -
covered in previous exercises. Don't change anything that's correct.
1. Ms. Smith is a regular gal although she flies off the handle at times.
2. I'd like to most graciously thank you for your nifty, swell ideas.
3. At your earliest convenience, I'd be most grateful if you could please, kind sir, make haste with your
reply to me.
4. Mr. Gomes is a rather creative art director at the ad agency although he seems to have lost his marbles
as of late.
5. Moshe O'Hara had a plethora of errands to run; he looked like a chicken with its head cut off.
6. The head honcho is upset; heads will roll.
7. Ms. Lee is climbing the ladder of success at IBM.
8. Mr. Sing is pulling his hair out; all of his students skipped his afternoon class.
9. The company gave the good-for-nothing employee a pink slip.
10. My pals and I gobbled down the scrumptious chicken potpie.

Exercise 11@: "Be Natural"

Each of the following sentences contains business jargon and inappropriate colloquialisms, slang, or
clich‚s. Revise each one so they become more natural and businesslike. Be sure not to ignore what we
covered in previous chapters.
{ordinary }
pleasant person loses her temper
1. Ms. Smith is a ^regular gal although she^ flies off the handle at times.
{wonderful}
T excellent
2. I'd like to most graciously thank you for your ^nifty, swell ideas.
Please answer me soon.

3. At your earliest convenience, I'd be most grateful if you could please, kind sir, make haste with your
reply to me.
4. Mr. Gomes is a (rather) creative art director at the ad agency although he seems to have lost his
marbles as of late lately ~ recently lost touch ~ become nervous ~ been upset.
lot
5. Moshe O'Hara had a ^plethora of errands (to run); he looked like a chicken with its head cut off.
(extremely) busy.
boss people are in trouble

6. The ^head honcho is upset; ^heads will roll.
succeeding~being regularly promoted~improving her position

7. Ms. Lee is ^climbing the ladder of success at IBM.
frustrated ~ upset missed ~ were absent from

8. Mr. Sing is pulling his hair out; all of his students ^ skipped his afternoon class.
fired~dismissed~laid off incompetent~useless~inefficient

9. The company^ gave the good-for-nothing êmployee a pink slip.
{ devoured }
friends greedily ate delicious
10. My ^pals and I ^gobbled down the ^scrumptious chicken potpie.
Exercise 12: "Be Courteous and Friendly"

Each of the following sentences contains impersonal and cold language. Revise them so they become
friendlier and more polite. Where relevant, change negative words and phrases to positive ones. Where
appropriate, be sure to make use of material that we covered in previous chapters. Don't change
anything that's correct.
1. If you fail to pay your last month's telephone bill within three days, you won't receive any more service
from us.
2. Your employment application has been received.
3. No product can be purchased before 10:00 A.M. or after 5:00 P.M. on weekdays.
4. Make payment in the amount of $350.69 to our office no later than 2 October.
5. Its necessary that your new address be reported to us no longer than one week after you move.
6. Our billing department doesn't accept any inquiries after 3:00 P.M., so why did you call later?
7. Why are you always late for your appointments with Dr. Kramol?
8. Because you came to the president's office without proper authority, your actions appeared to us to be
highly unprofessional.
9. I am hereby notifying you that you may not attend any of our meetings or activities without written
permission from this office.
10. You must notify us of your intention to attend the president's reception because such failure will create
confusion.
SOFTENERS FOR NEGATIVE INFORMATION

Hypothetical subjunctive
Avoiding you negatively, but using it positively
Passive voice
Natural, fresh language
Positive language and euphemisms
Exercise 12@: "Be Courteous and Friendly"

friendlier and more polite. Where relevant, change negative words and phrases to positive ones. Where
appropriate, be sure to make use of material that we covered in previous chapters. Don't change
anything that's correct.
{Please}
1. If you fail to ^pay your last month's telephone bill within three days,
to continued
you won't ^ receive any more ^ service from us.
Thank you for (sending (us))

2. ^Your employment application has been received.
<from> <to>
P s {between} {and
3. No product^ can be purchased ^before 10:00 A.M. ôr after 5:00} P.M. on weekdays. You can...
VOI
Please pay us by
4. Make payment in the amount of ^$350.69 to our office no^ later than 2 October.
Please give us within

5. Its necessary that^ your new address ^be reported to us no longer than one week after you move.
Please call before

6. Ôur billing department ^doesn't accept any inquiries after 3:00 P.M., so why did you call later? with
any inquiries. If you have any questions, please call our billing department before 3:00 P.M.
{come}
Please be on time
7. Why are you always late ^for your appointments with Dr. Kramol?. Please keep your...
8. Because you came to the president's office without proper authority, your actions appeared to us to be
highly unprofessional. Please make an appointment to see the president.
Y
9. I am hereby notifying you that you may not attend any of our meetings or activities without written
permission from this office.
Please (to avoid

10. You must^notify us of your intention to attend the president's reception^, because such failure will
create confusion).
Please let us know if you're going to attend the president's reception.
Exercise 13: "Be Personal and Pleasant"

more personal; include you and I. Where appropriate, be sure to make use of material that we covered in
previous chapters. Don't change anything that's correct. DMUC
1. As requested, the user's manual for our hi-fi stereo is enclosed. Its hoped that this manual will help you
solve the stated problem.
2. It would offend us if you didn't meet the quality requirements of our agreement.
3. This letter informs you of our need for you to perform as the guest speaker at the 2005 medical
conference in Phoenix.
4. Its suggested that you submit your employment application no later than 1 July.
5. Your insurance claim has been reviewed by our examiner, who reported to us that its not valid.
6. You're expected to make your payment by 31 August; otherwise, this officer will have to repossess our
furniture.
7. We're always pleased to receive letters from people who like our dish-washing liquid.
8. Customers should carefully answer the questionnaire and send it back to us to cooperate in our
satisfaction survey.
9. All orders should be made well in advance of the designated delivery date.
10. The chairman of the Mathematics Department will be in the office between 1:00 P.M. and 3:00 P.M. on
weekdays and can be contacted by advance appointment only.
Exercise 13@: "Be Personal and Pleasant"

more personal; include you and I. Where appropriate, be sure to make use of material that we covered in
previous chapters. Don't change anything that's correct. DMUC
you I've enclosed y I

1. As ^requested, ^the user's manual for ôur hi-fi stereo is enclosed. Îts hoped that this manual will help
your
you solve ^the stated problem.
Please (try to)(be sure to)

2. Ît would offend us if you didn't meet the quality requirements of our agreement.
Please ~ I'd like you to be our

3. This letter informs you of our need for you to perform as a guest speaker at the 2005 medical
conference in Phoenix.
Please by
4. Îts suggested that you submit your employment application^ no later than 1 July.
I regret that is
5. ^Your insurance claim âs been reviewed by our examiner, who reported to us that its not valid.
Please
6. ^You're expected to make your payment by 31 August;otherwise, this to keep officer will have to
y
repossess ôur furniture. ~...so that you can keep your furniture.
I was your about ing

7. ^We're always pleased to receive ^letters from people who^ like^ our dish-washing liquid.
Please me participate
8. ^Customers should carefully answer the questionnaire and send it back to us^ to cooperate^ in our
satisfaction survey.
Please
9. Âll orders should be made well in advance of the designated delivery date.
Please make an appointment with the for

10. The ^chairman of the Mathematics Department ^will be in the office between 1:00 P.M. and 3:00 P.M.
on weekdays and can be contacted by advance appointment only.

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Exercises for Kenman, “Tone and Style”

Exercise 1: "Test for Correctness (MECH) and Wordiness (RED)"

a) Don't use there (be).

Exercise 1@: "Test for Correctness and Wordiness"

{Because of } marketing team's difficulties think

Exercise 2: "Eliminate Inflation, Archaism, Turgidity, Jargon, and

8. We've inaugurated a series of two-hour workshops on the fundamental basics of

Exercise 2@:" Eliminate Inflation, Archaism, Turgidity, Jargon, or

tell reached about

Exercise 3: "Use Content (Meaningful) Verbs"

1. Its Mr. Rasputin's feeling that ...

3. Chairman Koizumi's request is that a review of Thunderbird, Inc.'s books

4. The utilization of computers creates a great reduction in the amount of

6. Donald Rumsfeld is someone who can be of significant help to your ad-

7. Alteration of the project scenario must be effected by Mónica Dogwood on

8. Because my credit department is undergoing a reorganization, a delay in

9. The psychologist has effected a complete transformation of my friend's

Avoid ... + N Don't change Change the NOUN of to

Exercise 3@: "Use Content (Meaningful) Verbs"

Exercise 4: "Make Your Sentences Active and Personal"

7. It was essential that a check of the machinery be done by his firm's

John's been hit by Michael.  ?

CONCR and PERS

Exercise 4: "Make Your Sentences Active and Personal"

The dairy manager took

Exercise 5: "Be Specific"

2. I often use this small, hand-held machine to balance my checkbook.

More vague words and expressions, not just definitions

Exercise 5@: "Be Specific"

credit card {accepted} {withdraw }

fax ~ answering machine has a problem

Exercise 6: "Be Simple to Be Concise." Think Succinct!

2. I look forward with the greatest of anticipation to our mutual agreement to a

3. My associates and I await the realization of a decision which would allow us

4. He was hired on the premise that he had a good comprehension of our

5. The information which is attached herewith is of a confidential nature.

10. We intend to start the undertaking of a new project.

the NOUN of  VBing or to VB

Avoid area, nature, and region.

Exercise 6@: "Be Simple to Be Concise." Think Succinct!

O files {thrown out}

the NOUN of  VBing or to VB

I saw the riot of the crowd.  I saw the crowd rioting.

Avoid area, nature, and region.

Exercise 7: "Use Modifiers Clearly"

3. To swim well, some practice is required.

5. When only a child, Carla's kindergarten teacher inspired her.

8. Driving home, the road was wet and slippery.

Slippery Single-word Modifiers

Exercise 7@: "Use Modifiers Clearly"

(a) He talked the raucous music over ... He discussed ...

(b) He talked louder than the raucous music with ...

Slippery Single-word Modifiers

Only John only sings only here only.

Exercise 8: "Give Your Ideas Proper Emphasis"

1. Enclosed is a gift that's large and beautiful.

S > CL > PH > W > AFF

Coordinate adjectives: ADJ and ADJ  ADJ, ADJ

Exercise 8@: "Give Your Ideas Proper Emphasis"

8. The university possesses a variety of computers and printers,which need new

S > CL > PH > W > AFF

Coordinate adjectives: ADJ and ADJ  ADJ, ADJ

Exercise 9: "Use Parallelism Correctly" //