FREE

09/11/00 Issue no: 993

Floods Part Global A Century

2: Photos Warming of Fakers Security Policy
p3 p5 p9 p17

Great Balls Of Fire

The touring freak show turned
out to be stranger than usual,
last Wednesday in the Union.
As the ‘Carnival of the Bizarre’
ended their performance, the
Wacky Wednesday theme
holding true, a surprise was in
store for everybody, including
the performers.
During the performance where
the audience were dazzled by the
celebration of the weird and won-
derful, we had seen sparks fly with
the act where chain-saws were
used on metal sheets attached to
the performers’ bodies. Earlier on
the Mongolian Laughing Boy had
meat hooks attached to his penis
but just in case that ordeal was not
painful enough for him, he then ran
on to the main stage and launched
an enormous fireball, with some of
the flames going on to the stage 1) Fireball Trick, 2) Face on Fire, 3) Man Runs Off to put Fire Out
itself. However, all was not quite as
it seemed with the finale. The

laughing boy had inadvertently set
light to his own face. He ran
straight over to the curtain, to put
the fire out on it, with most of the
audience unaware that anything
had gone wrong, believing it to be
all part of the show. The laughing
boy was taken straight to hospital
by ambulance and treated for
burns.
The laughing boy has now
rejoined his touring colleges and
will be performing his act again,
suffering no after-effects. It has
since become apparent that one of
the reasons for the act going
wrong was that the performer used
lighter fuel instead of paraffin fuel.
By Luke Hickey
Photos by Alan Roy
Troubled Water
Last Thursday (2nd November), an incident took
place in the Student’s Union, which led to the
local police becoming involved and a student
spending the night behind bars.
The first year Chemistry male was returning
to university from a round of pub golf in town;
he was described by witnesses as in a drunken
and abusive state, when he walked into the
union. The time was about 11:05pm and there
was no security on the door because at this
time their task is to ensure that any students
still in the building begin to vacate it. The stu-
dent then proceeded to begin attacking anoth-
er student, unprovoked, but due to the levels of
alcohol he had consumed, the victim, believed
to be a friend of his attacker, was not injured in
the attempted assault. After a time the victim
had managed to restrain his fellow student, by
which time security had arrived at the scene,
the union reception.
Upon arriving at reception, security immedi-
ately took control of restraining the student,
who did attempt, unsuccessfully, to punch
them. They then asked for his union card,
which he refused to supply, and greeted the
requested with a further attempt to assault a
member of the security team. After managing
to once again restrain the gentleman, union
security rang for university security.
Within a matter of minutes, the team from
Senate House arrived, initially one, soon to be
joined by a further three. They took over the
restraining of the student. However, despite
advice from the union security as to the conse-
quences of attacking the senate security, he
attempted to punch a member of the Senate
team. Immediately the police were called. The
drunken student then threw-up on the floor and
was close to passing out, so security placed
him in the recovery position, whilst still restrain-
ing him. In the meantime, the union security
ensured that all other students were able to
leave the union quickly and safely.
The police arrived within about ten minutes
of being called and after the student attempted
to punch them as well; they decided to take him
to the local station, where he spent the night in
the cells. He was released, without charge, the
following morning. The student has since writ-
ten an unreserved apology to all concerned
regarding his behavior that night, and it is
believed that no further action is being taken on
the incident.
By Luke Hickey.

Student Democracy: Have Your Say

With all these special working parties
going on to improve the services of the
Union Club, it is perhaps worth remem-
bering that there is already an in-depth
structure in place to ensure that the
Union is entirely responsible to its
members.
At the top of the tree, the supreme policy-
making body of the Union is the Student
Council, whose next meeting is on Tuesday
at 1pm on the main Union dancefloor.
Members of the various Union sub-commit-
tees, as well as representatives from all
clubs and societies and all the Union offi-
cials are expected to attend (or send apolo-
gies), but perhaps you did not know that all
members of the Union are equally welcome,
and have the right to speak and vote on any
subject raised, or even propose a motion for
discussion. building.
Topics under debate this Tuesday will David Abbott
include the tricky issue of campus security Union Chair
cameras and a proposed constitutional
interpretation that will affect all religious and
international societies. You can inspect a
copy of the agenda and all submitted
motions on the Union notice board immedi-
ately opposite the main entrance to the

barefacts@surrey.ac.uk News 1-3 n Features 4-6, n Barearts 7 - 18 n Lifestyle 20 n Sport 22-24

 2 News 09/11/00

Editorial of the evening while I was left with grumbling of my

stomach for the evening. D’oh
Hopefully, you all managed to spot all the mistakes in
Editorial Team last week’s editorial, however, if you do spot any in Kevin Marston
the paper this issue then please come and join the
Editor
Editor Editor
barefacts proof reading club. This is opportunity for
Kevin Marston you to see the paper in advance and a great addition
to your CV, so if you fancy it emaiil me at
Deputy
Deputy Editor
Editor barefacts@surrey.ac.uk
Luke Hickey
If you were in Chancellors on Tuesday night around
Production
Production Editor
Editor about 6.00pm you may have heard this almighty
Andrew Thomas laughter from one of the tables on the stage. Well,
News this table was laughing at me and my unfortunate luck
News Team
Team Film
Film Editors
Editors of swallowing the top part of my tongue piercing,
James Buller Sariqa Wagley
which I can tell you is not an enjoyable experience.
Arthi Veerupillai Libby Hurt
The rest of the table was in stitches for the remainder

Features
Features Editor
Editor Science
Science Editor
Editor
Vacant Nick Walsh

Music
Music Editor
Editor Sports
Sports Editor
Editor
Owen Hazelby Dave Chapman

Arts
Arts Editor
Editor Marketing
Marketing Team
Team
Chris Morton Ali Danby
Ellen van Keulen by Arthi Veerupillai

Iranian Politician on Trial Radioactive leak

Contributers
Contributers
Ali Danby Jamileh Kadivar, one of Iran's leading female politi-
Ellen van Keulen cians, has been put on trial. She is charged with act-
Dave Abbott ing against Iran's national security and insulting Islam,
Susie Westwell which relate to a conference in Berlin, last April. Mrs.
Gisela Böhnisch Kadivar, widely recognised as Iran's most popular
Tom Sugarman female reformer, denies the allegations. She main-
Melanie Wilberforce tains that the Iranian authorities knew about the con-
Andrew Gale ference beforehand and did not even attempt to pre-
Greensoc vent anybody from going. At least 20 further people
MWC have been charged in relation to the conference.
Claire Hathway
Rebecca Lambert South African Policemen Charged with
Stella Webb Brutality
Madeleine M
Samuel Hardwick Six South Africian policemen have been charged with
& Dr Russ the attempted murder of three black suspects. The
white policemen were caught on an ametur video
laughing as they set dogs on the suspects, alledgly
illegal immigrants. The dogs savaged the men's faces,
arms and legs. The footage also shows one of the offi-
cers repeatedly kick and beat the suspects, while they
barefacts were lying on the floor, in agony. The footage was shot
Union House, University Of Surrey in 1998 but has only recently been made public.
Guildford, Surrey, GU2 7XH
Cease-fire in Jerusalem???
Tel: 01483 879275
Fax: 01483 534749
Just when the Israeli Prime minister Ehud Barak and
email: barefacts@surrey.ac.uk
Palestinian Leader Yasser Arafat finally plan to meet
Deadline for Publication in order to end the bloodshed between their countries,
a massive car bomb exploded in the heart of
Monday 12pm Jerusalem. The meeting was already late and then it
was totally put off as the bomb shocked the city last
Submissions Monday.
preferably on disk / email in Word 6.0 Format, The powerful bomb thrashed the whole market place
Text in Arial, size 9 font killing two people, of which one of them was Ayelet
barefacts is an editorially independent newspaper, published by the University of Surrey Students' Union Communications Office. Hashashar Levy-daughter of former minister in Baraks
The views expressed within the paper are those of individual authors, and do not necessarily
government. The bombers who escaped were claimed
represent the views of the Editor, the Editorial Board, the University of Surrey Students' Union by the Islamic Jihad, a Muslim group whose only aim
or the University of Surrey. is to destroy Israel. The leaders are still going ahead
This publication may not be reproduced in whole or in part, stored in any form, copied or distributed, without the express permission with the truce, but their people are no longer thinking
of the publisher.
of peace at all.
All submissions must include the author's name and Union or Staff Number. Submission is no guarantee of publication.
Anonymous and Pseudonymous articles will not be published.
barefacts reserves the right to edit submissions. Plane crash due to jet on 'wrong runway'
Printed by
The Singapore Airlines plane 747, which crashed last
East End Offset (TU), Bow, London, E3 3LT week was not an accident, as the Airlines admit that it
© USSU Communications Office 2000 was mainly due to the jet being on the wrong runway.
The runway was closed for repairs, but it still had its
light were on. The pilot is being held for questioning,
Singapore Airlines spokesmen said "it's unlikely an
experienced captain could have taxied his aircraft on
to..runway that was out of use. There are also the pos-
sibilities that the control tower could have directed the
plane into the wrong runway
. injuries are yet to be announced.
Considering all the statements the airline could be up
against a multi-dollar lawsuit and the airport may also
face legal action.
It has been reported that the rivers around a secret
nuclear weapons complex, in Siberia have been badly
contaminated. A joint team of monitors said, "We've
never encountered such radiation. It's the worst con-
tamination we've found". Even though the leak has
damaged the plant and river life, there are no inten-
tions of closing the plant down, as the plant provides
heating and electricity to the nearby town, Tomsk.
Judgement Day
The long waits for the " King of US"
will now come to an end as millions of people voted
today. The first to vote were New Hamshire and
Dixville Notch. The results so far - Bush got 38 votes,
Al Gore took 18 and the Green Party candidate Ralph
Nader had one according to the associated Press.
The World is not enough
James Bond in real, yep its true! The Millennium
Dome was under attack by a gang of robbers who
used a bulldozer to get in through the gates. The
thieves were trying to rob the diamonds and the
Millennium Star, which were on display in The Money
Zone. Luckily the police and the owners were tipped
off, this prevented a "Great Robbery". The diamonds
were said to be worth around £350 millions while the
Star priceless. Six people were arrested at the scene
which police believe reconstructed the scenes of Bond
movies, as they found a speed boat on the shores of
the Thames which belonged to the robbers.
Siamese twin dies
Doctors announced that the Siamese twins have been
separated, but only one of the twin; Jodie has survived
the 20-hr marathon operation, which was completed
at 5am Tuesday morning. The doctors tried their best
to save Mary's life, but it was known that only one of
the twins would be alive.
The operation went ahead even though the parent
opposed to it on religious grounds. Both the twins
would have died, without surgery. Money is being
raised to help the parents raise Jodie.
M40 crash
One person is reported dead after a motorway acci-
dent, involving a coach, a lorry and a recovery vehicle
on the hard shoulder. The accident occurred on the
northbound carriageway of the M40 near
Stokenchurch Bucks. This resulted in a number of
casualties in which the number and the extent of the
Islamic Awareness week
Launched on Monday, is seeking to educate the pub-
lic about Islam and challenge the bad press it gets in
the press.
09/11/00
Flood Misery On Campus
The recent bad weather has not only effect-
ed the lower lying parts of town it has also
been creating havoc on campus. The worst
effected part of campus was Cathedral
court, with building 3 experiencing the worst
flooding.
Last Monday residents of the ground floor of
Cathedral court 3 woke up to find up to two
inches of water on their bedroom floors. Mr
Paxton explained that the flooding was
caused by water run off from the Cathedral
Flood Chaos: Part 2 Photos
The George Abbot under the water again
The Royal Mail tackles the flooded Walnut Tree Close
A selection of pictures from around Guildford on Tuesday 7th November highligting the flood problems. Photos by Kevin Marston
...News In Brief...News In Brief...News In Brief...News In Brief...
Text Pest
A man has been fined for sending obscene
text messages with his mobile phone.
Callum Boyce, sent texts to a former friend
who he believed had been harassing his
wife. A Scottish court heard that Boyce
wrote four nasty messages within half an
hour to Peter Buller (no relation! - JB). His
wife alleged that Buller was pressuring her
to have sex with him.
Solicitor Rosie Scott said “Mrs Boyce was
clearly upset and her husband decided he
had had enough of Mr Buller. He did not
realise it would go this far.”
Boyce was fined £100 for breaking the 1984
Telecommunication Act. The texts he wrote
to Buller included: “Baldy pervert you have
wrecked our marriage so I am going to
break you neck.”
Wey To Go
As Guildford continues to struggle with the
floods UniS is paying tribute the river Wey
that has brought destruction to so many. In
the University’s campus art gallery is cur-
rently a collection celebrating Guildford’s
News
that collected between the grass bank and
the kitchen and bedroom walls, and led to
the water leaking in. After an unsuccessful
attempt to dry the carpets they were
replaced on Wednesday at a cost of approx-
imately £1000. Personal belongings of the
residents were also ruined, Lucy, Jennah
and Danny explained how a lot of their work
has been lost, and some of their electrical
equipment has been damaged. Despite
their troubles however they did want to pass
on their thanks to everyone that has helped
The new aqua bar garden at the White House
The River Wey in town expanding its horizons
river.
Three paintings by Rebecca McLynn depict
the surface of, and light on the river.
Rosemarie Juliano’s photographs follow the
flow of the river through all four seasons
and. The poem by Jackie Wills describes
the changing face of the river and its banks
over time. The exhibition is part of the
Guildford Borough Council’s Millennium
Initiative and funded by UniS and S.C.
Johnson. It is free to view in the Lewis Elton
Gallery (opposite AD building) until
Thursday 23 November.
“Huan Ying Gewai Lai Surrey Fang
Wen “
Fourteen Chinese education officials visited
Surrey last week. Vice Chancellor Patrick
Dowling even welcomed the delegates in
their native tongue: “Huan ying gewai lai
Surrey fang wen” - “Welcome to Surrey”.
The eleven Chinese VC’s and three Ministry
of Education representatives heard of
UniS’s links with the Orient and how it
makes itself successful.
Currently 88 Chinese students, mainly post-
graduates are studying at Surrey, more than
them, including their housekeeper and the
guys in the Cathedral Court Reception.
After the storms on Sunday again threat-
ened to cause yet more flooding, precau-
tions have been taken, in the form of a grav-
el ditch which will hopefully prevent the
flooding from re-occurring.
Other courts that have also been effected
include Battersea and Surrey, which due to
their age have experienced a large number
of windows leaking. When asked Mr Paxton
The River Wey in Shalford now known as ‘Wey Lake’
double the number last year. Prof. Dowling
said “Perhaps the greatest achievement
thus far being the link with Tsinghua
University, Beijing, which led to the launch of
a satellite.” The Surrey Research Park, one
of only three science parks to be owned,
funded and managed by a university, is a
also major international success story.
The university summits between China and
Britain have become annual events since
1997, supported by the Chinese Ministry of
Education, the Higher Education Funding
Council for England and the British Council.
Renewed Flood Alerts
As BF went to print Guildford was on flood
alert once again. The Environment Agency
issued a flood warning for the River Wey
between Pirbright and the Thames.
Woking, Weybridge and Thames Ditton
were the areas most at risk on Tuesday
night with residents being advised to pre-
pare for the worst by getting together a
change of clothes and important personal
effects. Rest centres were set up in readi-
ness.
3
said that there is very little that can be done
about these leaks, although they will be
remedied when the windows are replaced
which is part of the ongoing renovation of
campus accommodation. 30 bedrooms in
Stag hill have also had leaking windows, this
is again due to the age of the building and
also the gutters being blocked. So far there
have been no reported problems with off
campus accommodation.
by Ellen van Keulen
The Friary loading, no sorry swimming bay
Nine roads in Guildford town centre were
closed on Tuesday put later returned to nor-
mal, although the A281 remained closed.
Anyone living off campus, in at risk areas is
advised to listen to local radio and television
bulletins or to check with the County Council
for updates about Surrey roads and public
services on 08456 009 009 or www.surrey-
cc.gov.uk. The Environment Agency’s
Floodline number is: 08459 881188.
Snore Jaw
A persistent snorer has had his jaw broken
to put an end to the problem. Surgeons
broke and reset the man’s jaw to enlarge his
windpipe The Singaporean has suffered
from sleep apnea for 25 years. His tongue
was lolling back and blocking his windpipe
at night.
Karuna Regupathy, 48 had his upper jaw
broken, moved forward and reattached with
strips of bone from his skull. The links were
strengthened with metal plates and pins dur-
ing a pioneering, seven-hour operation. His
face changed a bit but Regupathy is now
sleeping silently and comfortably.
 4 Your Shout & Your Emails 09/11/00

Your Shout Vodka

Think About It.....it’s relevant whole thing would quietly pass by. But love’s people and love’s life?…I feel not. In

A religious debate by newspaper?…What’s

that all about? -There seems to be no com-
promise does there?! In this world of equal-
ity, acceptance and political correctness,
surly there must be a compromise to this
whole religion thing?!…
It would seem that many religious debates
result in pedantic, schoolgirl arguments
highlighting the mistakes in the behaviour of
an individual Christians. These poor people
are then used to inaccurately paint the
whole picture of Christianity! -A dodgy
move, since we’re all human, religious or
not. This has certainly been the case with
the last few articles in Barefacts.
I have many friends who are Christians and
they are the most loving, cheerful, friendly
and fun loving people that I know. Beneath
this cheery exterior, they are also the most
honest, trustworthy and stable people that I
know. They seem to love God, love people
and love life! -As a side thought and exam-
ple of this behaviour: -Last week was my
birthday. I kept it quiet, hoping that the peo-
ple I’d told wouldn’t remember and the
which of my friends remembered and made
the effort with a surprise party? The
Christian ones!…Arhh!
direct response to this article, the Bible has
a lot to say about drunkenness, and directly
addresses it in Ephesians 5:18-19 (p1228 of
your Gideon’s bible). It then goes on to talk
Slush
I can’t help noticing that the writer of “Life about a different kind of drunkenness…read (Strawberry & Lime)
after the womb” repeatedly considers only further…challenge your stereotype… it’s
himself. He reflects on how the religious very relevant.
system stinks, and how, as a ten year-old
boy, he was made to attend church by his
parents. I too have been there and at the
In this world of equality, acceptance and
political correctness, perhaps there is no
ONLY £2
age of ten the whole system truly does compromise. I too have decided which side
stink!! But again we come back to the acts of the fence I prefer, and now, I’m going in per half pint
of individuals (who are still human!) being the great direction of God’s full plan for my
used to represent the whole of the Christian life…
faith. At the same time I can’t help noticing Available from
how selfless and considerate Christians by Samuel Hardwick
seem to be, free tea and coffee outside the Haris Bar
Union is hard evidence to support this
observation. The interesting thing though,
is that if you talk to the Guys outside the
Union, many of them claim not to be reli-
gious?!! But instead insist that they have an
active, living relationship with god, regard-
less of what the blokes in “long gowns and
silly pointy hats” are doing!
Does it seem as though as though the writer
of “Life after the womb”, with his nuclear
weapon and scarred childhood, love’s God,

Your Emails
Please send your emails to barefacts@surrey.ac.uk
To: barefacts
From: Anon To: barefacts To: barefacts
Subject: Societies From: Frances Bassom From: Gareth Davies
Cc: Subject: Fireworks Subject: Doctors &
Dear Barefacts, Cc: Nurses
As a practising muslim, i was looking forward to a eagerly awaited Cc:
Islamic Society meeting. However, what I thought would be a warm- Dear Barefacts,
hearted meeting welcoming new freshers, actually turned out to be a Dear Editor,
most ‘unfriendly’ heated war zone-The IMPEACHMENT of the presi- Just a note to say a big "thank you" to the students who provided the
dent of the society. 5 minutes into the meeting, I realised this was not firework display last Friday. It was a really good, seamless display with
Just a quick note to thank all the
the place to be and started wondering if the back exit was actually no annoying time gaps between fireworks. It was all very well done. It
was a far, far, better firework display than the pathetic effort that the people that turned up to the
open or not. BUT no! as I got up to leave, i was quickly ushered to Doctors and Nurses night in the
sit down and was told to vote first and then leave.....2hrs later (and Guildford Borough Council arranged for their millennium celebrations.
Union on Saturday. It was a funny
only because security wanted to close the building,) I found my self night to say the least and there
abstaining on a situation I had no idea about. Unsurprisingly, i am in Thank you.
are some photos to prove it.
no rush to attend the next Islamic Society meeting and feel completely
turned off. PLEASE can someone tell me this is not a ‘normal’ Islamic Frances Bassom
Computing Services. Gareth Davies
Society meeting.
ANON
To: barefacts
To: barefacts To: barefacts From: Kevin Marston
From: Keith Porthouse From: Rich W Subject: Life After The
Subject: Life After The Womb Subject: Life After The Womb last week Womb
Cc: Cc: Cc:
Dear Sir / Madam, guy who wrote the article (who May I take this opportunity afford- sibility that some of my work may Dear Keith,
although he said he was feeling ed to me to apologise for any not be taken in the manner in
I would like to make a complaint 'brave' didn't even put his name comments made in my column which it is intended, and as such, Thank you for your email about
about the article published in this to the article) insinuated that he “Life After The Womb” last week may have inadvertantly caused last week’s Life After The Womb
weeks barefacts titled 'Life After would like to murder all members that people may have deemed to offense. article and I do apologise for any
the Womb'. I could moan about of the Christian Union. If I, or be ‘offensive’. I appreciate that offence that this has caused you
the fact that I don't agree with his anyone else, were to say that the content may certainly have It is unfortunate that in the given or anyone else. Life After The
opinions and his observations are they would like to kill all coloured caused some feelings of animosi- article, my name, indicating that I Womb is a satirical look on the
quite clearly wrong, but then it people or Muslim's or other group ty and would like everyone to had written the article, failed to world from the viewpoint of Rich
seems clear to me that he only of people everyone would be know that my opinions displayed appear, leading to the belief that it W and does not express the opin-
wanted to cause offence. deeply shocked so why should in the column were simply that - was written simply to offend with- ions of the paper or the Union.
this not be any different. my own opinions. out having to suffer any repurcu- (see disclaimer on page 2)
I understand that people are sions. Echoing my eariler senti-
allowed to their own opinions, but I should expect and apology for As any regular reader of my col- ments, any material I write I Regarding your comment about
for someone to be openly abusive allowing such blatant hatred to be umn may testify, the subject mat- believe in completely - I wouldn’t ‘letting the article run‘ the decision
seems unnecessary. I find it sad published. ters with which I deal are often write should the case be other- was made unanimously by the
that barefacts, by letting the arti- issues for which many people wise - and so may I again apolo- editorial board. If you would like to
cle run, condones someone who Yours Truly, have strong feelings, and, gise if what was intended as a come and see how the editorial
basically said Jesus was a drunk- although I believe that these top- humorous consideration of reli- meeting works then please
en shoplifter. Possibly more wor- Keith Porthouse ics should be spoken about and gious opinion was received in a contact me.
rying than that is the fact that the discussed in a student newspaper manner different to that in which it
(be the opinions contained in any was intended. Yours truly
such article contentious or no) I
should have considered the pos- Rich W Kevin Marston, Editor
09/11/00
GLOBAL WARMING: A GLOBAL WARNING?
So you saw the floods last week – parts
of the town underwater, roads across
the country rendered imhpassable due
to water pooling above an overloaded
drainage system and run-off from adja-
cent fields, homes flooded forcing fam-
ilies to evacuate.
You saw the gale-force winds – coastal
areas destroyed by tornadoes, people killed
in their cars by falling debris, buildings
ripped apart, and roads and footpaths lit-
tered and blocked with leaves and branch-
es.
And you wondered why….? Could it be
that there really is something in the whole
global warming story after all? Surely not.....
But unfortunately, perhaps there is. Global
warming is caused by an enhanced
‘Greenhouse Effect’. The earth’s atmos-
phere naturally contains a certain percent-
age of so called ‘greenhouse gases’ – car-
bon dioxide, methane, CFC’s and nitrogen
oxides. In balanced and consistent quanti-
ties these are important to our planet. By
trapping energy from the sun, this ‘ozone
layer’ prevents the earth from being in a per-
Focusing On USSU: Part 2
Events & Societies
More focus groups have met in the continu-
ing bid to improve the Students' Union.
Societies and Events were scrutinised in two
separate forums and as before many good
points and ideas came forth.
In both groups an improvement on public-
ity was seen as a key issue.
Events
The existence, role and openness of the
Culture and Events Committee was thought
a good thing to promote. This committee
determines who and what happens when at
the Union, and is open to all. (Keep reading
BF for more details)
For the events themselves, again better,
more distributed publicity was advocated.
While profiles of each music society were
touted to appear in Barefacts, it was said
that awareness of BF itself could be better.
Various ideas to promote Barefacts and
increase its readership are now being con-
sidered by the Editorial Team.
The type of events desired at the Union
included theme nights, tribute and upcoming
bands as well as student DJ's and musi-
cians. Sport screenings in the Union and
organised trips to London clubs were also
suggested. The various annual balls were
discussed too.
Finally the queue to enter the Union came
in for criticism with regard to its length and
policing by Security. Different entry methods
were mooted, as was a better incentive to
arrive earlier than at present.
Societies
Tacked onto the end of Societies Standing
meeting, this group started by looking at
methods of publicity. The following ideas
Greensoc & Focus Groups
manently frozen state. However, some
human activities have led to an increasing
concentration of these gases, trapping more
and more heat, and causing the atmosphere
to become gradually warmer. The suns rays
enter our atmosphere, travel through the
ozone layer and are reflected back off the
earths surface with a changed wavelength.
They are then unable to pass back out
again, trapped inside the ozone layer, and
are reflected back once more towards the
earth.
The main human sources of these gases
relate to the combustion of fossil fuels.
Whether it is coal or oil in large-scale com-
mercial electric power stations, petrol or
diesel as engine fuel for cars and other vehi-
cles, coal, wood, oil or gas in domestic heat-
ing systems, or your bonfire last weekend,
they all release greenhouse gasses, and it
all accumulates in the atmosphere. Of
course, these apply mostly to the developed
world who produce 80% of the greenhouse
gases, but this leaves a significant contribu-
tion by developing regions. While the princi-
pals remain the same, a number of other
factors also come
into it in poorer coun-
tries. For example, in
South American
countries the
increasing demand
for farmland leads to
huge areas of tropi-
cal forests being
burnt, ‘slash and
burn cultivation’ –
double trouble since
vegetation also
absorbs CO2.
Cottage industries,
such as potteries
and blacksmiths in
were suggested:
·Barefacts inc. reviews, previews and "Try It"
type article as on Surrey Pride pages.
·A 'Re-Freshers' Fair in the new year
·Joining forces with other societies to hold
(Union) events
·Union bar TV screens
·Pre film OFU slide
·Stall in Union/Lecture Theatres etc.
·A society website
Societies complained about their posters
being torn down by the university's cleaners.
Unfortunately there was little that could be
done about this but guidance was given
about the do and don'ts of postering.
The problem of getting a society email
address was also discussed. The UCS
option was seen as problematic so the use
of hotmail type accounts was thought best.
Some music societies also said that had
had trouble with Security and their venue
arrangements. The Societies and Culture
Sabbatical present promised to investigate
this.
Conclusion
"I feel the groups are going well so far with
many valid points and suggestions for
improvement being brought into the open,"
said Union Sabbatical Officer Lucy
Andrews.
Future groups are planned on publicity,
food etc etc. Dates of these will be
announced in due course. The next meeting
of the Working Party takes place on
Tuesday 14th November and "I look forward
to feeding students' views back to the mem-
bers" added Lucy.
James Buller
the favelas (slums) around Sau Paulo lack
the technology to reduce emissions and
there are no environmental controls or regu-
lations. Even apparently innocent occupa-
tions such as farming on rice paddy fields in
the Himalayas causes increased emissions
of methane. The Montreal Protocol, signed
by many developed countries, is a commit-
ment to reduce the volume of CFC’s
released (banning their use in aerosols, and
implementing safe disposal/recycling of
CFC’s used in refrigeration units), but since
they remain in the atmosphere for decades
before they are broken down to a harmless
state, the effects of this are not yet being
seen.
And meanwhile the earth is getting hotter
and hotter….
The consequences of a warmer climate
are varied, but all deadly serious. Firstly we
can expect to see an increase in the number
of ‘natural hazards’, freak weather condi-
tions, rising sea levels as the oceans
become warmer and expand, and a
decrease in the temperature differences
between regions of the earth – hence the
melting of polar icecaps. The consequences
of all this include more frequent and worse
flooding, storms and hurricanes, droughts,
changed seasonal and diurnal temperatures
and rainfall patterns; and in turn, the out-
comes will include increased poverty, dis-
ease, loss of habitat, species extinction, and
enforced changes to farming practices, not
to mention the economic, social, domestic
and commercial costs involved with cleaning
up after occurrences such as we saw here
last week.
The United Nations Intergovernmental
Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) was set
up by governments to research the problem,
and concludes that emissions of CO2 must
be reduced by 60-90% compared with 1990
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HAIRTEC
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5
levels, in order to stabilise it’s concentration
in the atmosphere. So far only a reduction of
5.2% has been agreed by governments (in
the Kyoto Protocol of 1997, signed by 160
countries) – hardly very reassuring to the
areas most at risk.
So what is the answer and what can we
do?
-Be conscious of the amount of energy yo
use in terms of electricity and fuel, and
to reduce it yourself.
-Write to the governments Environment
Minister, Michael Meacher, and Secretary of
State for the Environment, John Prescott,
urging them to adopt ‘greener’ policies and
support alternative energy sources.
-Three UK universities use ‘green’ electricity
(from renewable sources – wind, sea and
solar) as opposed to ‘brown’ electricity
(generated from fossil fuel combustion). It is
slightly more expensive, but a small price to
pay in comparison with the costs of the
alternative. Email or write to our Vice-chan
cellor, Prof. P Dowling, putting pressure on
him to change Surrey’s energy policy.
-Attend the Climate Change Summit 2000 in
The Hague, Holland, from the 17th-20th
November. Kidding? No! For £25 to cover
travel and accommodation you can join
thousands of other students and organisa
tions to take part in this national confer-
ence. Highlights include a mass protest,
speakers from around the globe, a Climate
street carnival and ‘Save the Ales’ party.
For more details email Emma at
mu91ev@surrey.ac.uk or come to Greensoc
on Thursdays at 6:30pm in Roots.
Think of those floods…..
by Emma van Huysee
Reduced
prices for
Students
Tuesday’s -
Friday’s
inclusive
The Astolat
x Newsagent Apollo
 6 LGB Feature
LGB: 2000 AD....
A New Era
Hello People, LGB is about to hold a
meeting for new and past members, to
socialise and discuss what you all want
LGB to be this year. LGB (just in case
you don’t know) is the lesbian, gay and
bisexual society. LGB societies can be
found at almost every university in the
country, and the University of Surrey is
no exception. LGB has been running at
Surrey for years, and this year should
be no exception.
Surrey LGB is here to help anyone who
needs information on gay, lesbian, or bisex-
ual matters, whether they are members of
LGB or not. In fact, our society is open to
anyone of any sexuality or cultural back-
ground. The university, after all, is an inter-
national university, so we encourage LGB
students who are from different cultures to
join. Students whose cultures have tradition-
ally been against gay and lesbian sexuality
may have more problems accepting them-
selves, and we are here to help. Men in
most LGB’s have in the past mostly out
numbered lesbians: but we don’t wont this.
However, the only way to get round this is
for YOU to come along and make your
mark.
We are however more than just a group of
friends. We have in common our sexuality,
and so a great deal of social support can be
found amongst us. New members, who are
always turning up and are welcomed into
the group, benefit from knowing other gay
people and the support that they get from
them.
Sexuality is a major issue facing many stu- and told me it was alright with him I felt a
dents and the process of coming to terms strong sense of relief.
with it, and the related issue of coming out,
can be very traumatic. For this reason all Next I told another close friend at Uni. She
Nightliner’s cover sexuality in their training was actually the one who prompted me to
and are willing to help you. They can also come out since her gaydar was beeping
put you through to LGB, or discuss matters from the moment she started talking to me.
of sexual health, or anything you want. It was a while later that I told anyone else
They also provide FREE CONDOMS. though, since I felt a strong obligation to tell
my parents before anyone else. However, I
The meeting will be the first main meeting of couldn’t tell them over the phone, and since
the term; so don’t worry if you don’t know I’d started the process, I couldn’t survive as
anyone you’ll soon make friends. All com- not being myself anymore. I didn’t want to
mittee positions are open, so if your politi- pretend that I didn’t fancy men anymore, so
cally minded, or just want to make a differ- gradually I told more and more people. Not
ence, here’s your opportunity; or if your one person reacted badly. I had told all my
interests are clubbing and partying then floor mates, and all the people on my
LGB could arrange trips to London etc. if course.
you can’t come along don’t worry. The first
meeting will take place in the Grant Mitchel If you think that coming out will alienate you,
Room in the Union at 7.30pm either Monday you’d be wrong also. The truth is that even
13th or Tuesday 14th Nov. (see posters or today, when I let people know I’m gay, they
email for the decided date) After the meeting feel that I must hold a great trust in them.
we will probably head down to The Elm Tree They know that it’s not the easiest thing to
pub in town. Don’t worry if you can’t make it, say, and respect my being honest with them.
you can still contact us via email lgb_sur- Thus the friends who I invest this knowledge
rey@hotmail.com, via the LGB pigeonhole in can a lot of the time become closer
in the Students’ Union, via Nightline on NTL friends, and in fact may reveal their own
816999 or external 876999. personal secrets or problems to me, thus
creating a stronger bond of friendship.
Luke @ LGB
Telling your parents can be one of the hard-
est things you’ve ever done; harder than
Bent Points Of View telling your friends. Your worst fears are that
the people who have loved and cared for
Coming
Coming Out
Out you all your life will stop doing so. These
people who are of such importance to you
To coincide with the restarting of LGB, older won’t feel the same, they’ll look at you dif-
members of the society have been consid- ferently. My parents are religious, and also
ering having a coming older than a lot of people’s parents of my
out week. Even if this age group, so my fears were quite strong.
doesn’t take place I No matter how much you know your parents
thought it would be love you, the thought of this fact being
helpful for all closeted known to them can be enough to make you
LGB’s out there to believe that things will change. Well the truth
hear how coming out is my parents were both fine with it. It was
at University may not such a relief to find that out because when
be as bad as you you’ve told your parents, you’ve achieved a
might think. massive personal goal. If you are still wor-
ried and don’t feel able to tell them, the best
Last year was my first way to test them out is to have a chat or
year at Uni. I had family debate on gay issues if they come up
never told anyone of in the news or mention a gay friend at Uni.
my sexuality before. However, even if your parents don’t offer the
The truth which no opinion you’d hoped they would don’t be dis-
one knew had con- heartened because chances are they will
trolled my life for so still love you very much because after all
long that the release you’re still their child no matter what, and
was an amazing feel- that is a very strong bond. In fact when I told
ing. For weeks no one my mum, she told me that she loved me
knew. I had always even more.
told myself that Uni
would be the ideal Coming out isn’t something that ever ends
place to come out. because wherever you go and whoever you
Everyone is new. Your meet you don’t have a label attached to you.
all thrown in together, So coming out is going to be with you all
thus the friends you your life, but once you’ve got through the ini-
make here can tial stages and know you can do it then you
become a strong sup- know you can keep on doing it
port network. The first
person I told was my Once you’ve achieved all this even more
closest friend. I told rewarding can be when someone turns to
him of the love I had you and tells you that they are gay. This
felt for a person when happened to me recently and it gave me a
I was younger and huge confidence boost. When someone
how I had been so sees you as someone to turn to for friend-
hurt by the breakdown ship and support on an issue so close to
of that relationship, your own heart, it can fill you with a great
and its effects on my sense of pride.
life. Since I didn’t
specify a gender, he So in summation come out and be proud of
soon guessed what I whom you are. If you feel that you can’t tell
was hinting at and I a friend yet though you can contact night-
told the first person line on NTL 816999 or external 876999
ever that I was gay. It they have trained on issues of sexuality,
was quite scary to say safe sex etc . Or else you can go to the
the word to someone LGB meetings, or go along to the Elm Tree
in a description of pub in town. Remember you’re not alone,
myself, but when he there are plenty of people you can turn to
responded positively for support so don’t worry. (Mark G)
09/11/00
QUEER THOUGHTS FOR
STRAIGHTS
IM Very thankful to all the gay revolu-
tions that have happened that give gays
now voices that can be heard and I am
given the opportunity to write this article.
Being out for 4 years now, I still see a
portion of the society not ready to accept
the existence of these ‘weird’ people.
Well, it is our culture and upbringing,
which I had also fallen a victim to. Deep
down, I feel that it is pathetic. But any-
way, reality bites doesn’t it?
It has been too many times that i have
heard remarks that homosexuality being
disgusting, dirty, against the law of
nature and disapproved by God. I used
to be ashamed when I heard this. But
now, I do not know whether to laugh or
weep for such ignorance. While a gay
can understand a straight relationship,
people who say this simply cannot see it
in our perspective. Narrow-minded?
Perhaps they are just “not knowledge-
able and receptive enough”.
Like other kinds of love, gay love is as
similar. When straight people prefer the
company of a different gender, gays sim-
ply prefer same sex of partner. It is only a
matter of preference but many straight
people freak out at it. However, gays
have no difference at all when it comes to
the desire for the same type of affection,
care and love. The same type of love the
straight people give to their heterosexual
partner is the same thing we gay give to
our partner.
Homophobes say, “Gay sex is danger-
ous and gays like to sleep around.”
Think again. Isn’t this the same for
straights? There are just as many
unfaithful and horny straight fellows
around. Look at those HIV figures; the
straight people HIV rates have sur-
passed the homosexual people for
many years.
What’s worse is that there are men who
cruise around for other men to give a
blowjob when their wives refuse to put
their mouth to their “anacondas”.
Shouldn’t they be ashamed of them-
selves if they belong to those anti-gay
groups?
I am strongly against the idea that gay
people should be detested, ignored and
looked down upon in the society. They
are just normal human beings who
appear in all walks of life. They eat,
drink, think, study, work and love like
any other people; sometimes surpassing
everyone else. In fact, all humans must
be given equal respect and treatment
despite colour, religion and sexual orien-
tation.
Gays contribute to the economy and
perhaps raise the standard of living with
their love for quality stuff. Do not be
amazed by knowing that the food, fash-
ion and music in your life are sometimes
queer products. They usually dress well
and have a good taste for almost every-
thing. Ever been to a gay disco and
enjoyed their good music and be
amazed by those beautiful clothes the
guys are wearing? Well if you’re homo-
phobic, then probably not!
Like straights, gays are just like anoth-
er other people. It is only the matter of
preference and perhaps occasional
some campy behaviour. The Lesbian,
Gay and Bisexual aka LGB Society of
the University of Surrey is set up to pro-
vide support to these people of these dif-
ferent preference and aims to provide a
sense of identity and pride for them. It
also helps people who wish to get out of
the closet. We understand how dark and
cold it can be inside. Remember there is
a great might when brothers and sisters
unite.
anon
 Spice
Girls
VS

West
life
This week sees the release albums from both the Spice Girls and Westlife. Currently the favourites to be number one are the boys from
Ireland. Could this be the end of chart domination for the girlpowered foursome?

Music Reviews
Competitions
Horoscopes
OFU
 8 News & Comps
Music
News
Not much has hap-
pened in the world of
music this week. It
seems that our
favourite musicians
have taken an early
winter break. The weeks
biggest news comes from Fatboy
Slim aka Norman Cook who has
announced that his new album
‘Halfway between the Gutter and
the Stars’ might be his “last album
ever.” Norman Cook Speaking on
radio station XFm said “I might
never make a good record again.
Fatherhood does strange things to
people, d’ya know what I mean.”
Once the album is released Cook
plans to retire form the public eye
on December 10th to spend more
time with his family.
Garage’s favourite young super-
star Craig David has been
approached by Bono of U2 to col-
laborate on a track on U2’s new
album called ‘Walk On’. Bono who
recently slated the “pretty young
things” dominating the UK charts,
heard Craig’s version of the U2 hit
‘One’ and although Bono admitted
that “it’s the wrong tempo for whats
going on with UK garage and that”,
he said that the song had “the right
feel” for Craig David. We look for-
ward to hearing the track soon.
Damon Albarn on a recent radio
interview on XFm has announced
he is the process of making a char-
“your career is over”
ity album in aid of Oxfam. The
album he said was inspired by his
recent visit to Africa where he
worked with African musicians who
he said were far better than any-
thing that is going on with British
guitar bands at the moment. The
interview also gave him the oppor-
tunity to talk about Blur’s future
plans as he said he was “definitely
going to consider touring again”
and that “he looks forward to a
playing another new record now.”
There’s a big surprise. Blur plan to
return to the studio later on this
year to record their new album.
In the ongoing feud between
Robbie Williams and Liam
Gallagher, Robbie has hit back at
Liam taunts at him. Whilst picking
up a Q award for best live act the
Oasis front man branded Robbie
as “queer”. Robbie hit back at his
recent sold out live show by telling
the audience that he thought the
‘Q’ in Q awards meant “quite a lot
of your career has gone mate.
You’re bands fucked. You don’t
sell many albums cause your
bands shit.” He then went on to
talk about his ex-girlfriend (Liam’s
current girlfriend), All Saint Nicole
Appleton, he said “I bet you go to
bed every night scratching your
head, thinking ‘is he better than
me?’.” We wait a reply from
Nicole.
Celebrity couple David Beckham
and Posh Spice were the brunt of
a practical joke by believe it or not
09/11/00
“you’re queer”
The Smashing Pumpkins’.
Before the encore at their live show
in Manchester a voice announced
‘some special guests’ when Billy
Corgan came on dressed as David
Beckham and Melissa Auf Der
Maur came on as Posh Spice,
much to the delight of the audi-
ence. Other band member’s came
onto the stage dressed up. One
came on as a Man City player and
another as George Best. The
Smashing Pumpkins’ played their
last UK shows over the weekend
before they disband. On that sad
note that is this weeks news more
coming up next week.
Simon Robinson
09/11/00
Horoscopes
Scorpio Oct 24th - Nov 22nd
After that spending spree last week
your mum told you off and to prove
to her that you can manage your
own finances you must make a
monthly budget plan to keep her
happy.
Lucky clothing : wellington boots!
Sagittarius Nov 23rd - Dec 21st
You really must learn to control
your temper a bit more this week.
You can’t throw a wobbly just
because your flat-mate stole your
last slice of bread.
Lucky clothing : Stripy socks.
Capricorn Dec 22nd - Jan 20th
Once again you are neglecting
your diet. This week you must try
and get some more fibre. A bowl of
All Bran a day will keep you regu-
lar.
Lucky clothing : big, grey granny
A Century of
Fakers
It strikes one as being,
more than often, these
days that another
band’s comeback is
there to remind you
how good they actual-
ly weren’t.
Now that Britpop is over, now that
the nineties are over, all and
sundry has begun to consign to
oblivion those once so fashionable,
once so talented individuals who
were of such importance to our
music scene. The bands that dom-
inated our charts four or five years
ago are not such a necessity to the
atmosphere of the time, and this of
course is not so unusual for a
scene with such an emphasis on
that eager to please philosophy.
But the strangeness lies in the
actuality that we are still looking for
them to be replaced, or even
worse; we are still looking to them
to save us from the teeny-bop
nightmare of present day British
music.
Arguably, many of our new bands
have subtly provided us with some
modest expertise, comme il faut for
the public’s appetite, with a respect
from the critics and a following
from the indie kids and art-school
contenders (Travis & Coldplay, for
example). Coming through the
underground to enjoy a small
pants (girls) / white Y-fronts (guys).
Aquarius Jan 21st - Feb 19th
Well, after all that tongue action I
so accurately predicted last week
you really ought to invest in some
strong mouthwash. The word on
campus is that you have poor oral
hygiene and you had better sort it
out fast.
Lucky clothing : tank top.
Pisces Feb 20th - Mar 20th
After the fabulous week you have
just experienced things are just
going to keep getting better. The
only thing to watch are your
finances. Maybe you ought to
return some of that fetish gear, you
only wore it once after all.
Lucky clothing : bobble hat.
Aries Mar 21st - April 20th
After making all those new friends
by Chris Morton
amount of chart success deserves
a lot of respect, for sure. But there
is still something lacking, missing
in their refusal, or inability, to say
something interesting. The prob-
lem is that it is no longer fashion-
able to walk the walk and talk the
talk.
Now and then the odd comeback is
attempted: Elastica, The Longpigs,
Ash, even Oasis, all fall into that
category of “too cool to do anything
accessible.” Unlike before, when
they were staying true to their
ethics but still writing great songs,
it seems like these bands are
almost deliberately trying to be
unpopular with the buying public.
Commercialism: It is the work of
the devil.
And maybe this is where Blur can
reside in a unique distinction to this
Holier Than Thou attitude. In some
ways they have always brought the
accessibility to their music, it’s just
that it has never been in an obvi-
ous way.
And not only have they remained
cool throughout their ordeal, but by
keeping it real, or keeping it good
even, they have somehow always
succeeded with delivering a fresh
sound to our airwaves. The influ-
ences have always been there, but
as Karl Popper argued, nearly a
hundred years ago; “All knowledge
is ultimately based on sense-expe-
rience.” Or as Damon Albarn once
put it: “Modern Life Is Rubbish.”
“There are so many old things to
splice together in infinite permuta-
tions that there is absolutely no
need to create anything new.” NME
April 1993.
A little harsh maybe, a little stupid,
a little contradictory to what they
said before, and after, but that’s
Blur for you. And looking back over
a notable decade of a rapidly
Arts Feature
last week this is great time to go
out drinking with them. Make sure
your round is the last one and pass
out before you have to go to the
bar. A great way to get drunk with-
out spending any money!(Not that I
have ever done it mind you.)
Lucky Clothing : faded black jeans.
Taurus April 21st - May 21st
This is your week to help the envi-
ronment. On your way around
campus this week try to pick up 5
pieces of litter a day to prevent the
suffocation of hedgehogs.
Luck clothing : fur coat.
Gemini May 22nd - June 21st
Your will power reaches its peak
this week so now is the time to give
up smoking or cream cakes.
Lucky clothing : ripped, 80’s style
jeans
changing music you realise that
these are exactly the characteris-
tics that any band would need to
survive those ten years of compli-
cations.
The problem with the Greatest Hits
collection (“Blur’s Greatest Hits” is
released on Monday) is the fear of
how much out of context these
songs will sound to anyone who
does not understand the environ-
ment’s to which these songs were
written within. Furthermore, the
experimentation in creating original
art-pop has left many of the songs
to stand alone as something of an
acquired taste. Understood, that is,
by an appreciation of the impor-
tance of exorcising the nightmare’s
of the eighties music scene (where
throwaway pop dominated, not
unlike the music scene of today).
Watching Blur’s performance on
“Jools Holland” last week, it was
blatantly obvious as to how much
consequence their old hits had
lost. Obvious I suppose by the
band’s performance. It’s not that
they were disinterested as such,
but the anger behind and enthusi-
asm for their latest piece of art was
the major strongpoint lacking.
In their attitudes, their performanc-
with Arcane Ally
Cancer June 22nd - July
23rd
How about plucking up the
courage to have your hair
cut on Saturday. That boy-
next-door, just-got-out-of-
bed look went out of fashion
months ago.
Luck clothing : Baseball cap
(until Saturday.)
Leo July 24th - Aug 23rd
You’re having an artistic
moment this week. Do not be
tempted to graffiti the teaching
block though.
Lucky clothing : Overalls.
Virgo Aug 24th - Sept 23rd
Go out and join a new club or soci-
ety this week. You may find that
you have a hidden talent for sailing
or rock climbing!
Lucky clothing : trainers
es, and in the very words of their
interviews, all that Blur have to say
at the moment is that “Yeah, we’ve
written some good songs and
we’ve been around for ages.” And
this what those uncultured buyers
of the Greatest Hits collection will
think. In this way, one of the most
important bands of the country is
doing nothing to save us from the
teeny-bop nightmare of present
day British music.
But I suppose you have to give Blur
a break; they are the wrong side of
thirty after all. And I suppose their
arrogance that is wrapped up in
self-belief is the most that they can
offer in defiance to all that goes on
around them. As far as categoris-
ing goes, Blur are slowly falling into
that classification where four musi-
cians are creating mature music.
This may be why the Greatest Hits
collection is being released at this
point in their careers. And as for
jumping on the bandwagon of the
latest music scene, there is nothing
but a large hole for them to fall
through.
The problem with maturity is that
all the excitement is lost.
“Everywhere you go, you get beer
and drugs for free, girls scream at
9
Libra Sept 24th - Oct 23rd
After exposing your body in a more
extreme way than usual at the
fetish party your confidence was
boosted immensely. This doesn’t
mean however that you must go
around flashing at random stu-
dents. Please try to control your-
self, you know who you are.
Lucky clothing : anything!
you and you feel… shit actually,
most of the time. But it’s good.”
Melody Maker April 1991.
And the problem with accomplish-
ment is that all the purpose is lost.
“If punk was about getting rid of
hippies, then I’m getting rid of
grunge. It’s the same sort of feel-
ing; people should smarten up, be
a bit more energetic.” NME April
1993.
Maybe this quote is contrived,
maybe it is just plain dumb, or
maybe it is the words of a genius.
The point is that it is most definite-
ly all good fun and games. Now
Blur are too mature to worry about
any contrived feud with another
band.
It is a shame. For the fans it was
more fun. The “Star-shaped” video
of Blur’s drunken tour documents
the worst period in the band’s
career. But it is a band at their most
entertaining stage. The mishaps
were just as important as the
music. It’s what it’s all about.
Britpop was a time when every
band was stupid enough to make
fools of themselves. And some day
soon the new fools will arrive to
rescue us from the monotony.
10
Singles
VERTICAL HORIZON - You’re a God
(RCA)
Vertical Horizon formed in 1991 as an
acoustic duo and have spent most of their
time since then touring from coast to coast in
the US. This track is happy rock/pop and
without a doubt is real class. With heavy gui-
tars and sweet melodies, ‘you’re a God’
should sell well. 8/10 N.M.
AIRLOCK – Airlock (One Little Indian)
For once a single without remixes or songs
so similar you can’t tell they aren’t remixes.
The first track has beautiful female vocals
with slightly industrially sounding backings.
The second is more instrumental, and the
third seems to mostly be someone playing
with a record to slower backing, It’s nice to
hear a group doing something different for a
change. 8/10 E.C.
PJ HARVEY - Good Fortune (Island)
Could this be a pop song? Surely not, Ms
Harvey simply does not do pop songs. Ms
Harvey sings spooky style with the backing
of a chiller movie. Not here however, a
remarkably upbeat acoustic strum that could
send her to the lower reaches of the chart.
8/10 A.T.
UNION KID - The Test (1970)
The test in the muddled nondescript music of
our time is how can a band stand out from
the crowd. Now, this is probably even harder
if you’re a slow start, get quicker rock band
in the 3 Colours Red mould. The test then is
Album of the Week
U2 - All That You Can’t Leave Behind
(Island)
U2 return to the world stage after two and
half years with a retro U2 album. When I say
retro I mean the days of the Joshua Tree,
Rattle and Hum and even a slight case of
Achtung Baby. U2 have taken a step back
from the dance induced days of Zooropa and
Pop and stuck with the classic rifts and the
soul searching vocals. However, saying that
‘Kite’ is a rather experimental sounding track,
in ways similar to the Kid A sound but still
echoing that U2 feel. ‘Beautiful Day’ is defi-
antly the stand out track on the album with its
beautifully caressing guitar lines. It’s simply
luscious and therefore 8/10 K.M.
MAN OR ASTRO-MAN? – A Spectrum of
Infinite Scale (Touch and Go)
One day somebody in Man or Astro-man
must have thought “look we not selling any
albums, lets just write a voiceless record so
that if no one buys it we can sell it as a
soundtrack to a movie”. And this is what the
American four-piece came up with. ‘A
Spectrum of Infinite Scale’ is a perfect
soundtrack to a soundless film. It is full of
garage rock, surf twang, cinematic sound-
scapes and B-movie bleeps that dispels any
notion of normality. This will have you look-
ing to space for an answer. 8/10 S.R.
JAY Z - The Dynasty Roc la Familia 2000
( Roc-a-Fella)
With his last two records, “Vol. 3... Life &
Times Of S. Carter” and “Vol. 2 Hard Knock
Life”, Jay-Z has established himself as one
of hip hop’s master lyricists with an unique
ability to tell stories of the urban experience
in a sophisticated manner that separates
himself from the rest of the chest-thumping
rap pack. Jay-Z embarks on his fifth studio
effort, “The Dynasty: Roc-La-Familia 2000”.
Record Reviews
to avoid Oasis-esque solos and, erm, sound-
ing exactly like 3CR. Apart from these tests,
that, well, The Test fails, there is a
widescreen rock epic thing going on, which
is actually irritatingly enjoyable. 6/10 D.J.
DIMESTARS - Solo So Long (Wild)
Truth is I thought this was a band put togeth-
er by some producer to try and sell another
cheesy song. But to my surprise these guys
are not bad and I think this song will make a
big impression. The song is extremely
catchy and according to them the difference
between them and other bands is “We do
things bigger, better and louder better.” And
so they seem too. Its pop music, but good
pop music. 6/10 C.H.
ME ONE - In My Room (Island)
Me One is West Indian patois for ‘on my
own’ and is the adopted name of Cardiff
born, Brooklyn reared, North London resi-
dent Eric Martin. This Single includes a vari-
ety of excellent mixes from Tee Bone,
Stargate, and MVP, as well as the original
album version. It is a melange of head-nod-
ding hip-hop grooves, doo-wop harmonies
and jazzy, off the cut melodies laced with a
Caribbean lift that once lodged in the grey
matter stay there in a never ending loop.
6/10 J.F.
GRANDADDY – He’s Simple, He’s Dumb,
He’s The Pilot? (V2)
This is a limited edition single taken from the
Californian band’s LP ‘The Sophtware
Slump’. At almost nine minutes, it’s a little
too long, but is a dramatic, quite dark song,
slower than their usual stuff. The acoustic
guitar goes well with all the other sonic
effects used. It’s very much a ‘Paranoid
Android’ sort of weird single, with lots of dif-
ferent parts and not many (decipherable)
Collaborations are abound on the new
record that not only includes members of the
Roc-A-Fella family, Memphis Bleek, Beanie
Sigel and Amil, but also some heavy hitters
like Snoop Dogg, Scarface and, believe it or
not, R. Kelly. 7/10 J.F.
SOUNDS FROM THE FUNKY UNDER-
GROUND – Compilation (Chocolate fire-
guard artists)
This album represents a taster of the bands
on the Chocolate Fireguard label. It is an
eclectic mix of funky jazz, hip-hop, rap, drum
and bass, soul and rock, basically a taster of
any genre going. This provides the listener
with a broad range of tracks, of which most
people will like several but that is as far as it
will go. As Kara Kara sing on the album
“Just keep yourself funked up”, well for a
couple of songs at least. 5/10 S.R.
SCHIZO FUN ADDICT - Just a Dimension
Away (Sudden Bliss)
The name reflects the music nicely. A mix-
ture of psychedelic, breakbeat, African,
didgereedoo and guitar music. With some
09/11/00
Single of the Week
MANSUN - Electric Man (EMI)
‘Electric Man’ is the second
release from the album ‘Little
Kix’ and is the happiest and
most expansive Mansun release
yet. It is also one of their best
singles to date with a deeply
harmonious chorus and beauti-
ful melodies. It’s an ace track
and is worth £1.99 of anyone’s
money. 9/10 N.M.
lyrics. If you like strange, check it out. The A
second song is the harmonica-ridden coun- Spell On You’ is essentially flat. Flat bass,
try style ‘Wives and Farmers’ and the third cliché strings, and lyrics that could have
track is a bizarre shouty number about been nicked from Alice DJ. Now would prob-
blenders! Wacky Californians eh?! 5/10 A.W. ably be a good time for Sonique to run back
behind her decks. 3/10 A.T.
MORCHEEBA – Be Yourself (China)
Last years acclaimed ‘Big Calm’ saw GUANO APES – Big in Japan (superson-
Morcheeba at the height of their success ic)
and ‘Be Yourself’ (off their new album Big is the operative word here. Big guitars,
‘Fragments of Freedom’) sees Morcheeba big bass, big vocals, big pile of rock s***.
adopting a similar formula with Skye Stay in Japan. 1/10 S.R.
Edwards distinct lush vocals and their famil-
iar soulful grooves. However, this familiarity MELATONE – A Sentimental Wish (Two
is broken up by stop start dynamics that pre- Hoots)
vents it from going anywhere apart from The singer has a horrible voice, the tune for
straight to track three which is a brilliant live some reason reminds me of Blue Peter, it’s
version of last years single ‘Part of the scary stuff. It sounds like a school orchestra
Process’. Perhaps they need to follow their with a nasally boy singer. “I don’t have much
own advice. 5/10 S.R. to say” says the title track. Stop boring us
with this drivel then. They try and funk it up a
SONIQUE - I Put A Spell On You (Serious) bit on the third song, but this ain’t no ‘Boogie
Third single syndrome is always the same. Wonderland’. In fact, it’s just c***. 1/10 A.W.
Where as ‘It Feels So Good’ and ‘Sky’ both
took the Ibiza dance blueprint and tweaked it
enough to create something interesting ‘I Put
very strange lyrics to throw into to the mix.
Some of the lyrics (“The serpents skin is
whiter..”) reminds me of some of Jim
Morrison’s lines. Apparently one is to imag-
ine a synthesis of the Partridge family and
Brady Bunch sagas with a sonic feedback
Albums
twist, dirty lo-fi beats and filthy guitars
drenched in reverb painted on a sampling 3:36’. Not as accomplished as his previous
album ‘Venni, Vetti, Vecci’, ‘Rule 3:36’ falls
canvas. The fourth song which has some
pretty sweet female vocals I liked a lot but short in many areas. Obscenely lowbred at
points, a lot of the material could be the work
the rest well lets just say its original and a lit-
tle confusing. Its “Just a Dimension Away” of an undereducated, disobedient school
child. Fellow Murderers Black Child, 0-1,
5/10 C.H.
Tah Murdah and Vita all appear along with a
number of featured artists. ‘Between Me and
AGNELLI AND NELSON - Hudson Street
(Extravaganza) You’ featuring Christina Milian is the first
single scheduled for release and also the
An album of commercial tamed techno good
for home listening and some tracks will best track on the album. ‘Extasy’ is an
extremely funky highpoint, unfortunately
probably make it to the clubs. The music is
a mixture or suave, electro, minimal, futuris- there just isn’t enough here to warrant a rec-
ommendation. Don’t bother with the album;
tic synthesised sounds. Their 1998 single
“El nino” was a club anthem as will be some wait for the clutch of decent songs to be
of the tracks from this album. The music is released as singles. 4/10 A.R.
classified as easy listening happy house
THE BEAUTIFUL SOUTH – Painting It
and should go down well with most club
Red (Go! Discs)
music fans, but was a little too tame and too
I knew that The Beautiful South were meant
common for my liking. 4/10 C.H.
to be a bit laid back, but any more and you’d
be hard pushed to find a pulse. This album
JA RULE - Rule 3:36 (Murder Inc/Def
has invented new dimensions of boredom. It
Jam)
started off badly with the first and last tracks
Murder Inc stalwart Ja Rule returns with a
on the tracklisting not actually existing, I
street inspired second album. His growling
suppose at least they give you the vocals so
voice has been hiked to overload on ‘Rule
you can make your own tune up for them.
Recommended
FATBOY SLIM – Halfway Between The Gutter And The
Stars (Skint)
It maybe the last album from the Fatboy but what a way to
finish, leaving off where he started from. HBTGATS relives
Fatboy house days and in essence his first album, ‘Better
Living Through Chemistry’. ‘Talking About My Baby’, ‘Sunset’
and ‘Mad Flava’ are the ones to watch with the twisting loops
and eclectic samples. A rather delightful album that surpass-
es his last one and adds elements of Macy Gray vocal talents
to the mixture. 8/10 K.M.
09/11/00
The only slightly interesting song on the
album was ‘Closer Than Most’, which you
can get much cheaper as a single anyway.
‘Half-Hearted Get (Is Second Best)’ showed
a bit of promise at the start with eerie
swooping backing, but the vocals just had
no energy behind them. Most of the tracks
sounded like they just couldn’t be bothered,
making for a very dull album. 3/10 E.C.
THE FALL - The Unutterable (Eagle)
Whilst the Stone Roses were never quite
prolific enough, there is of course the oppo-
site problem. It might be said the fewer The
Fall records, the better. Full stop. Or it might
Record Reviews cont & Live Reviews
be suggested that were Mark E. Smith to
wait around until he had enough decent
tunes for a proper album, he might not have
to release a series of examples of how to
write that perfect b-side. Still, that’s life and
life for Mark continues in something of an
experimental indie daze of muffled vocal
announcements slopily thrown over chord
movements heard a million times before in a
trillion indie songs. Subversive Sonic Youth
guitar lines and dull, chaotic Ian Brown elec-
tronic percussion noises mix in only the
worst parts of that equation: dullness deviod
of subversity. It’s not clever or funny and will
only ever be the soundtrack to sleeping. I’m
bored. 3/10 D.J.
SHEA SEGER - The May Street Project
(RCA)
Shea Seger is an American artist who trav-
elled to London to record her debut album:
‘The May Street Project’. It is the story of life
and love in small town America. It could be
better described as totally uninspired mid-
dle-of-the road American rubbish. Southern
soul is an accurate description of the musi-
cal style. The most ironic press blurb I have
yet to read describes this as “an astonish-
ingly original debut”. I am amazed ‘James’
have invited her to support them on a tour
11
later in the year. The opener ‘Last time’ is
the only glimpse of hope on a dreadful
album. What she lacks in talent she makes
up for in looks, this fact alone will be proba-
bly guarantee her chart success. ‘The May
Street Project’ is utter gash. 2/10 A.R.
This Week’s Reviews by
Andrew Thomas, Alex Reed, Nigel
Martin, Kevin Marston, Simon
Robinson, Owen Hazelby, Ian
Purvey, Denise Nicholson, James
Hemmingway, Oliver Chamero,
Christian Hunter

Competition Time
Hiya, it’s competition time again and who better to lead you Win an Alarm Clock and CD’s Win 6 FNO Guest List Tickets
through this maze of trivia than your favourite Santa Claus
(well, most of Guildford seem to think it’s Christmas already,
Our mates at 48k Records and Perfecto Records have given After the relative success of last issues’ competition, we
so I don’t see why we can’t).
us not one, or two but TEN CD’s to give to you, the discern- have decided to keep the prize as 6 tickets, so we want
Congratulations to all last week’s winners, following a
ing reader. They have also sent us a Paul Oakenfold travel loads of entries. In keeping with the festive theme of this
record number of entries – I kid you not. Dan Bashford
alarm clock and if that wasn’t enough they are also throwing section, all you have to do is complete the following phrase
(again) won the What Lies Beneath goodies after telling us
in a window poster of the DJ. So the first out of the hat picks in no more than 30 words; the funniest entry in the opinion
that it was Star Wars that launched the career of Hollywood
up the poster, alarm clock and six of the CD’s, while two run- of the editorial board wins.
heartthrob Harrison Ford. Mike Rolfe walked away with the
ners-up win two CD’s each, all clear? well here’s the ques-
Blur CD, vinyl, video and posters after deciding that Blur had
tion: All I want for Christmas is …
their head checked by a Jumbo Jet. But the biggest winner
of all was Ben Sidders, who is on the guest list for tomor-
What is the name of the new Students Union
row’s FNO, together with five mates. Ben told us that his life
was like a pint of Carling because he is cheap and doesn’t Chairperson?
stay in your system for long.
Now what have we got for you this week, I hear you holler, Dave Abbott
Matt Jackson
well, we have 6 FNO tickets for Friday 17th November 2000,
which include being on the guest list (so you don’t have to Luke Hickey
queue up, no matter when you arrive), and we have CD’s,
window stickers and an alarm clock. As usual, send your
entries into Barefacts@surrey.ac.uk by Monday 6pm, with
your contact details (including URN), and remember that the
editor’s decision is final or else Santa might not visit your
house this year.

No Wave & Live present...

Trayscrape
rap-skate-metal-hiphop

Fire Apple Red

Skatepunk

Mistaken Identity
Experimental electro-grunge

+ acoustic act
Main Union
Saturday 11th Nov
£2 entry / Doors @ 9pm
 Sunday Night Live Presents...
The North Mississippi All Stars

Sunday November 12th

with support from

“Mo Solid Gold”
14
A RERUN OF A SHORT STORY
It was just like any other night; we’d gone down
the pub straight from work. Everyone had had a
shit day and we were all acting really laddish,
downing pints at the bar, determined to get really
pissed and have a good night. I usually hate that
kind of shit, I would always take the piss out of all
the beer tossers with their “Lager, lager, get
pissed, yeah,” but this time I guess I was one of
them. I’d gone down with Bradby, Dave and Graz
and we’d bumped into some of Dave’s mates who
were all beer tossers. For once it was the kind of
break I’d needed. I was so pissed: To me the pub
was like one of those weird movies with fancy
camera work; everyone kept appearing in front of
me and then disappearing again. Parts of conver-
sations came and went.
I was just considering the next pint when I noticed this
group of girls, sitting on the table opposite us, who
were obviously talking about me. One of them kept
looking over and then she’d turn back to her friends
and they’d all start looking at me and laughing.
It wasn’t long before Bradby saw what was going on.
He was really pissed too; he kept leaning towards me
saying “Go on, get in there,” and then falling back on
the bar again. Graz started saying that I should go
over and talk to them because “Fuck it, it’s worth a try.”
I began to realise that he was right and suddenly start-
ed to get nervous, butterflies in my stomach and all
that. I knew that I should make a move, I knew that I’d
regret it the next day if I didn’t but the inertia had hit in.
I guess it was the risk of humiliation and rejection. I
started saying that I couldn’t be bothered and that it
wasn’t worth it but the others didn’t pay any attention
and continued egging it on. I remember wanting to
stay at the bar in the comfort of my own social group
but they were becoming less of a comfort.
I began thinking “Why should I have to make the fist
move? If she’s interested she’ll come over to us.” The
thing is, I don’t see why it’s the bloke who always has
to do the chatting up. I mean it would be a lot easier if
girls did. Blokes are far too inactive; everyone would
be a lot happier if it was the other way round. But there
again sometimes it was better to be male: I had my
goal and I was in control. All I had to do was go over
and say something and I’d be in. Unless she wasn’t
interested. Unless she said “What? Who are you?
What are you talking about?” and all that rejection
shit.
My mates were still egging it on. I thought back to
when I’d gone down the pub once with Chris, when I
was egging him on. It was far easier being on that side
of the situation. On that night the girl’s mate had final-
ly come up to him and told him that her friend was
interested. I remember hoping that wouldn’t happen to
me because of it being an even worse situation to be
in. At least by being the initiator you stayed at a dom-
inant level. Graz was now telling me that if I didn’t go
over then he would do it for me. I picked up my pint
and went over to the table full of girls.
I was really fucked. I just said “Hello,” sat down at their
table and waited for them to say something. One of
the girls (I think her name was Jo) introduced me to
the girl who’d been looking at me. Her name was
Tanya. Jo said, “Tanya thinks you’re really horny.” I
responded with an “Oh, right,” and carried on drinking.
I was beginning to get a headache.
The headache got worse as I listened to their conver-
sation. One of the girls was going on about how she’d
met Damon at a back stage Blur gig. How he was “So
nice,” and “Really intelligent, he didn’t say much but
he’d always understand what you were talking about.”
Yeah, right. Whatever. Tanya asked me what kind of
music I was into and I said that I was an indie kid. She
said that she was too because she liked Blur and
Oasis.
A Short Story 09/11/00
throwing up and that I hadn’t realised that I was in the
I didn’t think I was getting anywhere. It was embar- girls one. Jim found this quite funny.
rassing ‘cause my mates kept looking at me when I
was talking to Tanya and making gestures at me. I sort Jim used to live quite near me at the time and we
of wanted to talk to her properly but what with my walked home together. I jokingly asked him if he was
mates and her mates we didn’t really have the going out with Helene yet and he gave me some dis-
chance. I just made the odd remark and listened to the missive answer of how he didn’t know what was going
inane conversation of her friends, nodding my head on. I think he was pissed off about how he hadn’t got
and laughing at the appropriate moments. I thought I’d a shag.
offer to buy her another drink or something but I was
too pissed to move. It went on like this for about an We cut across the park and walked in silence, thinking
hour. about the evening behind us. I was thinking about
Tanya, Jim was thinking about Helene, I knew
When the pub finished Graz came over and said that because of how he used to go all silent and serious
they were going on to a club, I said I might be down when he was thinking about something close to his
shortly. Then Tanya’s mates left and it was just me heart or when he was planning. That’s what he was
and her, I think it was planned. I didn’t really know doing probably. Planning. Whereas me, I was just
what to do then. I asked Tanya if she wanted to come smiling, satisfied with the little attention that I’d got. I
to the club with me but she said “No,” and that she was always far too satisfied.
wanted to go home. I thought that was it but as she
was about to leave she said, “Aren’t you coming We were walking along in silence when we saw
then?” sparks in the middle of the field ahead of us. As we got
closer we heard voices, and saw the dark silhouettes
We walked out of the pub together, chatting more this of the two bodies. It was Alex and Paul messing about
time. Maybe it was the drink but as we walked down with gunpowder. Luckily they had cigarettes, and
the road I remember marvelling at how sexy she was. some JD. Me and Jim sat down and watched them
I wondered when I should make a move. I wondered continue. Paul told us how they were trying to make a
if she really wanted me to, or if she just wanted me to bong out of all the gunpowder they had. We weren’t
walk her home, she was pretty young and that. I really listening.
thought about suggesting going for a smoke down the
beach but I didn’t know if it was her sort of thing. Then I sat there bored for ages, drinking the JD to keep me
I started wondering why I hadn’t seen her around warm. Jim said they should make a fire but Alex was-
before and thought about what if she wasn’t even a n’t that enthusiastic about the idea. We decided to go
GCSE student? to Alex’s van instead. Smoke some gear.
When we turned the corner though things started to It was a fucking long walk though. I remember think-
happen, maybe even too quickly. Tanya was sudden- ing that I wanted to be in bed really but I hate missing
ly all over me, didn’t know how to kiss properly and out. Then Jim started moaning that he couldn’t find his
she was near choking me with her tongue. Of course keys. I think they’d fallen out of his pocket when he’d
I was pissed and I didn’t really care that much but I sat down. He started saying that we should all go back
kept thinking about how young she seemed. Then she and help him find them but none of us could be arsed
was pushing me up against the wall and she started so we just said we’d meet him at the van.
unbuttoning her shirt. I said that we couldn’t do any- Chris Morton
thing there and she grabbed my hand and dragged
me across the road to where the public toilets were,
leading me into the girls one.
When we were in there I think she start-
ed trying to give me a blow job or some-
thing but she didn’t know what she was
doing and started touching all the wrong
places. I was so pissed and it was in a
fucking public toilet for fuck’s sake.
I’d had enough. I said that I didn’t want
to do anything in a place like that. Tanya
stood up and buttoned her shirt. I
remained where I was, too drunk to
move. She started to shout at me about
how I was useless and how I’d led her
on and asked me what I was expecting.
I could tell that she was insulted. She
gave me a kick in the bollocks, which
was really fucking painful, and then ran
out.
I thought about following Tanya but I
couldn’t really be bothered with it.
Instead I lay on the dirty floor and remi-
nisced about where I’d gone wrong.
Then this head rush started to hit in. I
figured that I’d had too much to drink. I
reached down to button up my trousers
and the toilet reappeared. I got out of
there pretty quick.
On the way out I saw Jim and Helene
getting off by the hedge. I was going to
ignore them and headed off home but
then Helene walked off and Jim ran up
to me asking me what I’d been up to in
the girls toilets. I said that I’d just been
 09/11/00 Barefiction 15

BA
ARRE
EFFIIC
CTTIIO
ONN
Memoirs of a Geisha reality, where love can easily turn Albarn’s ever purposeful mission to easy to read. It is especially inter- of the characters’ minds. Renton is
by Arthur Golden into hurt. prove himself (as more than the esting to discover how many white the main character who tries to
10 out of 10 for a bestseller which poncy son of a famous artist, with a lies were written in the press. break away from his destiny as a
Despite its slow is beautiful fiction and a great read stupid name) and by the quick to skagg-head. But the book is seen
start this extraor- at the same time! develop friendship between the 2 But the book is still a bit too nice to through the eyes of many of the
dinary book hardest drinkers in Goldsmith’s art the band and therefore there is characters.
soon becomes a Gisela Boehnisch college; Alex James and Graham something lacking. The fact that The best thing about this book is
real page turner. Coxon, who were flatmate’s in Damon is so arrogant, for example, that it isn’t all moralistic but just
At the age of 3862 days halls. After this comes the baggy could have been explored. shows you the way it is, portraying
nine, Sayuri, a by Stuart Maconie scene, record company mishaps, realistically the bad things in their
Japanese girl the attempt to write distinctly Trainspotting every day lives without attempting
from a tiny fish- I guess you British songs to contrast an by Irvine Welsh to teach you that it isn’t the way life
ing village is have to under- increasingly stale grunge scene, should be led. But sometimes it
against her will taken to a stand a lot and of course the whole Britpop Arguably Irvine does go over the top as some of
geisha district in the town of Kyoto about the phenomenon that followed (the Welsh’s only the nastier characters sink lower
where she is to discover the secret Britpop phe- battle with Oasis and the ninety six good book is and lower into their primeval
and exotic world of Japanese nomenon and election being the most important actually started selves, or simply where some of
geisha. Being absolutely frightened the nineties (plot-lines)). And then of course off as a collec- the characters get what’s coming
and miserable in the beginning music scene in they supposedly got their heads tion of short to them.
Sayuri slowly grows into her new general to really together to become one of the stories captur- But the way the separate tales all
role as a glamorous geisha and appreciate the biggest bands in the world. ing the atmos- link in, though slightly confusing, is
learns to adapt to a lifestyle which (plot) of this phere of inner nicely original. More than that, I
is fascinating and shocking at the book. Blur were a band who were Unfortunately the book is a tiny bit city Glasgow think, it builds a wider, more
same time. always with the scene, whether biased, and as with most music lower-class life. In the beginning it detailed, picture of this section of
With this brilliant first novel Arthur they were creating it, or jumping on biographies there are repeated is hard to interpret, the use of Glasgow’s working class. It may
Golden not only gives the reader the bandwagon. sections describing how great Scottish language (which makes not even have been deliberate at
an amazing insight in one of the every song is (kind of a bullshit Rab. C. Nesbit. seem easy to first, but this hugely original book
most exciting aspects of Japanese And an exciting (plot) it certainly is. thing to do). But even though it is understand) is difficult to compre- could even be interpreted as one of
society in the 1930s and 1940s, The early days of a drunken radical slightly biased, the history is hend at first, but once accustomed the all-time classic alternative
but also created a heroine who art school band with no real songs described with a factual and seri- to, it begins to feel more like poetry reads.
effortlessly draws us into her world. but a lot of attitude was Seymour, ous viewpoint and the slightly as the words dance around the
A world where illusion clashes with brought together by Damon mythological storytelling makes it is pages as the messed up thoughts Chris Morton
16
Stories of Daughters,
People, And Beethoven
As the rains pour down, it’s impor-
tant to remember what really
counts in life. It’s also handy not to
forget the things that cause you
pain, because with pain comes
focus. As the Tao Te Ching
remarks, experience is the extract
of suffering.
Never is this more true than if you
are a international criminal master-
mind. In such a case, you might be
forgiven for thinking that perhaps
kidnapping a diplomat’s 11-year-
old daughter is, well, fair play. But
you would want to be careful where
you voiced this opinion, because
Jackie Chan wouldn’t agree with
you. Especially not if you’re the
same criminal mastermind from his
film “Rush Hour”...
This frenetic and lightspeed-paced
action comedy, which we are
showing on Sunday the 12th, sees
human dynamo Jackie Chan team
up with Chris Tucker. When
Chinese Consul Han’s daughter is
kidnapped, Han himself knows that
there is only one man for the job.
Not for this case the bungling FBI -
no, he needs his daughter’s martial
arts teacher and part-time super-
cop, Inspector Lee (Chan)!
Impatient FBI agents assign rogue
LAPD detective James Carter to
the case to try and babysit Lee, but
this decision rankles with both
men, and before long, they are bat-
tling in tandem against their foe...
If you’ve never seen a Jackie Chan
movie, well... you really should.
Hype aside, the guy does things
that you’ll never see anyone else in
the world do... and he doesn’t
believe in using stuntmen. He’s an
OFU
acrobat, a hardman, a physical vir-
tuoso. And this is a seriously fun
film. Come and see.
The next day, Moday the 13th, life
takes a turn for the darker with
Stanley Kubrick’s notorious adap-
tation of Anthony Burgess’ satire,
“A Clockwork Orange”. In a world
of hi-tech cultural decay (that looks
strikingly like modern-day
Walthamstow), teenage delinquent
Alex and his band of droogs while
away the bleak hours of the night
getting high on spiked milk, before
heading out into the town for `a lit-
tle of the old ultraviolence`.
After being caught and jailed, Alex
submits to new experimental thera-
py at the promise of freedom - only
to be subjected to an intense pro-
gram of psychological conditioning.
Returned to the world incapable of
violent acts, Alex becomes the vic-
tim of his victims...
But when the media seize the truth
of what has been done to Alex, the
politicians enter the frame once
again and set about undoing what
has been done to curry public
favour. We see that, terrible as
Alex’s deeds are, they pale by
comparison to the state’s autocrat-
ic control...
Courting swathes of controversy
on it’s release upon both sides of
the Atlantic, the film was withdrawn
from distribution in this country by
Kubrick himself, after a series of
copycat attacks - and death
threats.
Re-released finally last year, fol-
lowing Kubrick’s death, the film
once again calls into question the
nature of humanity, in much the
same way as the infamous 1994
feature, “Funny Games”, by bid-
ding the audience to question their
own responses. Very much worth
seeing.
University Arts Cinema this week is
the comedy feature, “Waking Ned”.
A small coastal village in Ireland
goes to war with itself when one of
its residents, the eponymous Ned,
wins the National Lottery, only to
promptly kick the bucket. The
responsibility to share out the
money then comes to rest with
At The Cinema
MOMENTO (15)
Guy Pearce (of ex-neighbours
fame) stars as Leonard, an ex-
insurance assessor out to avenge
the rape and murder of his wife.
The vital flaw in his plan is that he
suffers from a condition commonly
known as short-term memory loss
(caused by a blow to the head, I
hasten to add) and is unable to
remember anything that happened
since the incident for more than
around half-an-hour. This obvious-
ly makes the task of seeking out
and killing the perpetrator some-
what challenging. He uses an
intricate system of notes and pho-
tographs to recognise characters
and fulfil his mission.
Due to the nature of Leonard’s ill-
09/11/00
Dead
Jackie, Ned’s neighbour, and his
wife - with hilarious consequences.
A quirky and oddly involving come-
dy, Waking Ned was hailed as a
quiet triumph upon general
release. Now’s a chance to catch
this comic and affecting film if you
missed out the first time round.
Enjoy.
(This week’s column was written by
Prince William, the new office jun-
ior here at OFU HQ. Sorry for any
inconvenience caused. All com-
plaints to prince-of-
scrut@eton.ac.uk, please.)
ness, the audience are made
aware of events which Leonard
has forgotten, allowing us to some-
what pre-empt the finale.
However, this is somehow what
makes the film. Watching how he
deals with his inability to recollect
important clues to the murderer’s
identity proves surprisingly addic-
tive, and I was hooked till the end.
Striking an impressive balance
between serious issues and touch-
ingly amusing moments, the film is
neither too heavy-going nor too
light-hearted. However, there are
certain flaws, such as the fact that
on occasion you feel that Leonard
has conveniently remembered just
a little too much, but in general I
would say that it is definitely worth
seeing.
7/10 by Rosie Burns
09/11/00
Colleges:not just for Oxbridge?
Without a doubt, the one thing that most
helped me to settle into university life
was living on campus. I was lucky
enough to live on a floor with a great
selection of house mates and so, within
a few weeks of being at Surrey, I felt
very much at home and part of a real
community. Other sixth form friends of
mine weren’t quite so fortunate - some
of them went to universities that didn’t
offer any accommodation at all, and oth-
ers went to universities whose accom-
modation consisted of the odd street
house scattered across the town. They
all found lots of new friends and were
integrated into the university community,
of course, but surely not as quickly as
those of us who lived on campus with
hundreds of other freshers.
Living on-campus is great fun: there is
always something to do, and there are
always people around to talk to. Of
course, it can all get a bit too much, and
living off-campus during their second
year is a refreshing change for many
students. But those who live off-campus
for a large proportion of their student life
can feel themselves getting increasingly
isolated from the university community.
The average amount of time that
Surrey students spend living on campus
seem to be declining as pressure for
campus rooms increases and more and
more students choose Surrey because it
is close to their home, especially mature
students. Any undergrad who stays at
Surrey to do a PhD, such as myself, will
probably spend five or six of their seven
years at Surrey off-campus.
We will never be in a situation where
all students could spend all their years
living on campus (most students would
find that stifling anyway), but wouldn’t it
be nice if there was some way of making
Your Name’s Not Down …
Recently, we’ve been getting some com-
ments in the Union about the role that
our Security plays during events. To
clear up some misconceptions, we’ve
answered some of the frequently asked
questions about security.
I’ve lost my Union Card?
You can’t come in. The Union is a pri-
vate members club, to come in you must
show your membership (campus) card
Can’t my friend sign me in?
No. You can only sign in bona fide
guests, a member who has lost their
card is a member without a card not a
guest.
But I come here every week?
Many people come regulary, but our
security staff cannot be expected to
remember individual faces
When can I sign guests in?
Guests can be signed in from 10am-
10pm every day except for Friday
nights. Members wanting to bring a
guest into the Union on a Friday night
must buy a guest ticket from reception.
Guest tickets are on sale all week and
up until 7pm on a Friday.
How many guests can I sign in?
Each student can sign in up to two
guests. Life members can only sign in
Websites &
these off-campus students feel as much
a part of the university community as
those living on-campus? Certainly I
have always thought so, but I had
thought it wasn’t possible. Until I visited
Lancaster University, that is.
Lancaster University, like Surrey, is one
of the many universities that sprang up
in the 1960’s and built brand new cam-
puses with plenty of student accommo-
dation. Like Surrey, Lancaster students
spend some of their years living on-
campus and some of their years living
off-campus. What makes Lancaster sig-
nificantly different from Surrey is that
Lancaster opted to have colleges for
students to belong to. These colleges
aren’t like Oxford or Cambridge’s aca-
demic colleges, but are more like the
‘houses’ that you might have belonged
to at school.
All students choose which college to
join when they arrive at Lancaster, and
most first years will live in the accommo-
dation block associated with that col-
lege.
Each college has a building with sen-
ior and junior common rooms, pigeon-
holes, a bar, and porters - not too dis-
similar to Surrey’s court receptions
(except for the bar!). Apart from facili-
ties, though, the main benefit of
Lancaster’s system is that the colleges
provide a number of small communities
for students to belong to, not just in the
years that they live on campus. As a
simple way of ‘forcing’ off-campus stu-
dents to maintain contact with their col-
lege, students collect their mail from the
college pigeonholes rather that depart-
ment pigeonholes, even returned course
work. Not that off-campus students need
to be forced to use their college facilities
- the college is the natural place to
Union Security Policy
one. DO NOT SIGN IN STRANGERS.
Only sign in those who you know and
trust, if they cause trouble inside, then
you will receive the disciplinary.
I’ve been queing for over half an hour
and security have let someone go
straight in!
They are either staff, or on the guest list.
Who gets on the guest list?
DJ’s, friends of DJ’s, competition win-
ners, and guests of full time staff/sab-
baticals.
The person in front of me didn’t pay
to get in!
All off-duty casual staff from the Union
are permitted free entry to the building
(except ticketed events)
I’ve been asked to leave, why?
If you are a danger to other members in
the building, or have been offensive to
other members, then you will be asked
to leave. You will also be asked to leave
if you have had too much to drink.
I don’t want to go.
If you do not leave when asked, then
you will physically removed
That’s assault
No it’s not.
Who decides who is thrown out?
If an individual member of security staff
migrate to for the gaps between lec-
tures, and the university’s social life is
based around the colleges, with ‘com-
mon room committees’ providing a
range of ents. Different colleges have
different atmospheres, and new stu-
dents quickly discover which college
best suits their taste.
In many ways, the colleges act as a
devolved Students’ Union with a number
smaller sites around campus.
Consequently the main Students’ Union
building at Lancaster is far less signifi-
cant in community life than it is here at
Surrey, which is probably a good thing
considering the difficulty we have in
attracting non-traditional students into
the Union building (except on Thursdays
for the market, of course).
I wouldn’t ever expect Surrey to adopt a
college system or anything similar. I
would love it if it did, though, and it
wouldn’t be too hard to implement if the
will was there. My Lancaster experience
has convinced me that small communi-
ties are more effective at supporting stu-
dents’ needs than one big entity that
tries to cater for all. Past thinking at
Surrey seems to have been mostly
Union-House-centric, and the main
focus in the development of the building
seems to have been to provide as big a
venue as possible for the end-of-semes-
ter bashes and the occasional sell-out
FNO. Much as I love going to the Union
for these big events, I think that’s a
shame, and I am very aware that there
are many students who never feel the
need to set foot inside the Union build-
ing. The solution, in my opinion, is not to
try and bring students into the Students’
Union building, but to take the Students’
Union to the students.
Andy Gale
feels that a person should be asked to
leave, then they contact their supervisor
who will advise further. In some cases
the need in more than obvious, and
action will be taken straight away.
I’ve been thrown out and I want to
complain?
If you have been ejected from the build-
ing, then you will not be permitted to
come back in that evening. Complaints
should be made the following day to the
president.
Security are on a power trip?
No, working security can quite often be
a daunting and stressful task. There is
one member of staff per 100 students on
a busy night and each member must be
secure whilst in the building. Security
must also ensure that the DJ’s, band’s
and Union equipment is safe. When you
have had a lot to drink, and you are talk-
ing to a member of staff who is sober,
your perception of the conversation will
differ greatly from theirs (most people
talk crap when pissed).
Security are not perfect, but expereince
has shown us that it is better to use stu-
dent staff than outside security compa-
nies (we tried that). If you would like to
work security then feel free to put your
name forward at the front desk.
Alan Roy
17
Website Reviews:
Charity
Have you noticed all the Christmas stuff going up
already? How about all those people out there
wearing their “poppy with pride”??? Well I know it’s
early to worry too much about Christmas but now is
the time that a lot of charities go all out to get dona-
tions. Ok, but what if you don’t know
anything about their organisation…well then look it
up on the web!
http://www.poppy.org.uk This is a great site with
information from the
history of the poppy to
what the appeal is still
doing today. You can
even download a popp-
e for your computer, it’s
well laid out and links
back to it’s parent organisation. So if you’ve won-
dered what all us strange peopleare doing wearing
this poppy go check it out. 9/10
http://the-childrens-society.com Well the site for a
charity run on a free
domain site so there is
the little pop up box
and stuff but don’t let it
deter you. This is a
charity, yes YET
another one, run for
children, but according to all the people running this
charity it’s for the children who slip down the cracks
and aren’t really helped by other charities or the gov-
ernment. The site is bright and colourful and well
laid out with all the information you need about the
charity and the projects they run. They never accept
donations off the street, instead they have a large
base of people who use direct debit to pay any sum
you want to give monthly, it’s worth a look. 8/10
http://www.rnib.org.uk
This sites not so well
laid out but it does
have some good
parts to it if you want
to spend the time
looking around and
they do have some fonts that some people might like
to look at, if you’ve ever wanted to have braille or
moon fonts on your computer go here and check the
everyday products section of the site. 6/10
http://www.rnli.org.uk/Home.asp Well this is proba-
bly something few of
us think about but
contrary to the belief
of the AA these peo-
ple are actually our
fourth emergency
service, they are the
people who maintain and man the lifeboats around
the UK and are currently helping in some of the
floods too. OK so you may not think it’s all that
important if you live inland but if you’ve ever been on
a ferry or sailing out on the ocean these would be
the people you call when you get in trouble so check
out the page, it’s good, full of information and things
to do and they need peoples help to help us. 8/10
http://www.mind.org.uk/ The last on my list of sites,
although there are
more out there, these
people are looking to
help anyone with any
kind of mental health
problems in England
and Wales. The site
is well laid out and has information on all aspects of
the charity, it’s also a pretty colour
being mainly blue with some purple…the navigation
has a nice effect at the top of the page definitely
worth a look see. 7/10
09/11/00
Big Sister
Well this week has seen some
ups and downs – so to speak.
Whilst retailers have been on
the up with sociology students,
it’s been the Chemistry lot on the
down, looking for lost coats and
falling flat on their faces whilst
keeping the student staff up until
God knows what hour!
Again, G-Mas went off with a
bang. They can’t just play their
music without some trouble
going on! Keep us informed you
never fail to amuse us.
Chemistry students must real-
ly learn how to behave properly.
Picking up drunks and flayling
your arms around policemen just
isn’t the way to go. Perhaps
Chemistry students ought to
have a specialist module on how
to handle alcohol or perhaps just
drink the old H2O…you’re all a
bunch of lightweights!
Sideshow Bob has been up
to his usual tricks, yoga on the
pub floor? What will you be
doing next, sleeping in toilets??
Oh you did. So Bob, having lost
your keys in a bush (and we are
Who’s Been Caught This Week on
on camera
camera
If you have any photos you wish to send into barefacts then
please send them to barefacts@surrey.ac.uk or pop them
into the office in the Students’ Union
Personals
- www.chipsmoreanallyreten-
tivethanever.com
- www.bychipswemeanbenmccorma-
ckthefinalyear.co.uk
- www.doyougetthemes -
sageyetchips.org
- Little Lou: we saw you getting
jiggy with little kingy, be good!
- "Who is the spikey haired cowboy
from fetish night pictured at the bot-
tom of the picture page with Luke??
VERY sexy and i believe he is also
the girls hockey coach!!! any other
girls agree??" (It's Chris..ed)
- Interested to going into London to
do some Christmas shopping at
Oxford St. and to see the decora-
Gossip, Sex & The Universe
asking no questions), you tried
to scale a certain Cathedral
court building before trying the
doorbell!! And, even after being
let in….how did you think you
were going to get into your
room? You had no keys. Still, toi-
let roll I am sure, made a great
duvet and pillow.
Union on Wednesday night
held a few surprises for a certain
football girl, you go girl!
Is the weather getting you
down, boys or perhaps you are
getting used to it? So used to it
you feel the need to leak your
bladder on the carpets for that
extra special tramp feeling. Bob,
pass us the toilet roll?
Friday night went whippingly
well for one particular pussy cat.
With that outfit its no wonder you
pulled……or did you?
Smiler (Hannibal Lecter), the
barmaid treated a non-Surrey
student to some extra special
biting action. Kinky if gory was a
way to go but you left him a bit
battered in the morning and
missing a few chunks from vital
tions????
- Stag Hill Court Social Committee
presents... Christmas Shopping in
London!!!
Thursday 7th December, £5 on-
campus students, £6 off-campus.
Coach will leave from campus for
London at 5pm and will return
before midnight!
Tickets will be on sale at Stag Hill
Court Reception soon... Keep ur i's
peeled!
- J, what's so special about Sarahs
room?!?
- Jamie, hand over the zip disk -
explicit porn IS illegal!
- WHO's THE PASTORAL CARER
organs.
Also noted was a blonde Major
who felt some Freddy PRECHA
this weekend.
Dearest Beaker, like us, you
feel you have to keep on eye on
all the goings on in the union
...especially when it involves
your sister. So the pulling ability
is genetic, is it? Nice to see that
even though she had her arm in
a sling, it didn’t stop her from
playing with that hockey players
stick. Perhaps you could learn
some handy tips because it has
been a long time since your tips
been handy.
You know the deal by now,
send the gory gossip to us on
gorgeous_babe69@hotmail.co
m And remember tarts, we are
still watching!
Tinks & Winks, with a handful of
help from Mr Big.
FOR 450 RESIDENTS ON CAM-
PUS????
WHERE IS THE FLOCK??? HAVE
U LOST THEM AGAIN!!! UkTB
- When PURPLE hair meets
BLEACHED BLOND HIGHLIGHTS
the chemistry just isn't there. He'd
rather have SPECIAL BREW, while
she'd prefer STELLA!!!!!
- KANE we saw you HANGING
around in the WARDENS garden,
how is the tree!!! Pictures soon to
follow.
-Paul from house 59, house 51
wants your body!!
- WHY DOES IT ALWAYS
RAIN????
19
LIFE AFTER
THE
WOMB
by Rich W
I don’t suppose that feeling of immanence and impending has
caught up with you, and that you’re feeling the strain of course-
work deadlines and exam revision already, but if it has, help is at
hand - the television is in a room not too far away and, best of all,
it has your name written all over it.
Yep, ‘fraid so...revision will have to take a back seat to your tele-
visual habits and sit its lazy fat-ass in a dark corner of a very dark
room, because the attraction that is banal afternoon chat debates
and entertaining quiz shows has just entered the building, and is
feeling very horny. Consider for a second the metaphorical box-
ing match that is an afternoon of arduous revision versus the
enjoyment procured by watching TV:
“Laaaaaadiiieeees aaaanndddd geeeeeentlemeeennn, in the
red corner, weighing in at two hours of your spare time and look-
ing very, very ugly indeed, I give you Ronald “the Right Royal
Wanker” Revision....and in the blue corner, weighing in at one-
black-box-on-top-of-a-very-attractive-television-set-and-my-god-
it-is-one-sexy-momma-of-a-poppa, I give you, the undisputed king
of afternoon free-time, Dimitri “the Delicious Demi-God” Digital
Box, with his more-than-able assistant, the delightful, the beauti-
ful, the shit-i-wish-i-had-my-tight-pants-on-because-there’s-move-
ment-in-my-loins-that-I-can’t-control, Tania “the Titilator”
Television.”
With all due respect, there’s not much of a bout there, is there?
Well, this is what I thought, until recently, when it occurred to me
that television programming is, in fact, crap. I’m well aware that to
many, this is what attracts them - the sheer ‘badness’ of it all.
(‘Bad’ in the ‘shit’ sense of the word, and not in the ‘Michael-
Jackson-you-know-I’m...’ sense of the word, although he does
seem to be trying to define his own meaning), but that doesn’t
really pickle my gherkin - I’m after quality entertainment and gen-
uine I’m-watching-TV-because-I-like-what-I-see reasons.
Take, for example, “The Weakest Link”. Basic premise is this:
answer questions correctly otherwise you go away with the feeling
that you’re shit and your life will amount to nothing, thanks to Ann
whatever-her-name-is, old-bird-from-Watchdog. Not entertaining
in the least, more annoying...I’d rather be watching my TV than
throwing things at it, but some of the people on this damned quiz
make me launch the closest thing to hand, be it inanimate or liv-
ing...believe me when I say that some people really do need to be
shot, and, as I’ve mentioned before, I’m the man to do it. (The
man who was apparently a member of MENSA and thought that
Barcelona was the capital of Spain is a particularly good example
of this). What you want from a quiz show are examples of people
with superior intelligence, so that those watching at home feel like
the country is safe in the hands of those who know the answers to
the questions you haven’t the foggiest about. Can I suggest that
you look no further than 15 to 1for such a programme: William G.
Stewart - my hero, and just what does that ‘G’ stand for?
...and the bloody news...what on earth is that all about? Firstly,
you’re not sure what time it’s on because the schedulers are too
busy buggering around with it, and then, by the time it is actually
on, it’s full of shit...so much so that you ask yourself if the stuff
they’re showing you is actually going on or whether some bloke in
the props department is making it all up.
Ok, so that last bit is a bit harsh, but I do have a point here. The
Queen Mother trips getting into her car (don’t worry, she wasn’t
driving) and it makes every major news bulletin for the next three
days. Three days, for christ’s sake - what is wrong with people?
Who cares if the Queen Mother trips? I say, let her trip...let her do
her other hip in and get free bloody surgery on that one as well; in
fact, why don’t we wait until her next accident and then televise the
surgery that is undertaken to fix the old hag - that’ll be entertain-
ing, won’t it - just like “Animal Hospital”, but with the Queen Mother
instead of some dog...
As I say, the news is crap. The fact that they’re still going on
about the floods is proof alone, even if you forget about the Queen
Mother thing. (By the way, I have an idea - here we all are, moan-
ing about the floods and stuff, and we’re full of the ‘aren’t we so
hard done by’ attitude. So what I reckon is, get all the monsoon
victims from Bangladesh to live here and we’ll all move to
Bangladesh...see how we cope then. Although, the funniest thing
about the floods was that they hit Bognor...at which point, having
seen this on the news, my friend jumped up and shouted “yeh, and
people from Bognor fucking deserve it as well”. Very funny) .
So, anyway, my point is this - before abandoning anything to
seat yourself in front of the TV, ask yourself one simple question -
is it going to move you and make you think about stuff you would-
n’t normally think about, or is it going to reduce your brain activity
to that of some old-and-past-it woman who can’t get into a car
properly? I think it’s a fair question to ask, for its implications are
far reaching in our degree attainment, and one that I myself am
going to ponder whilst watching Watercolour Challenge.
20 Lifestyle 09/11/00

Dr Russ
Dear Russ
I am thinking about doing a PhD. How
should I go about it and how do I know
I would be suited to it anyway?
Dear Gemma
It is probably better if I answer the second
part of your question first. I have lost count of
the number of PhD students I have seen over
the years who have wanted to give up. In
many cases, they simply hadn’t realised just
how different a PhD would be from a first
degree. Apart from one or two special doc-
torates, most PhDs involve no lectures, no
revision and just one single 2-3 hour exam at
the end. You may find yourself working alone
for long periods. You may meet what appear
to be insurmountable problems or you may
simply fail to obtain the
results or information which
you need. You are therefore
more likely to succeed if you
are determined, patient,
have good time manage-
ment skills and the ability to
solve problems. It also goes
without saying that you
should have an enquiring
mind and a love for the sub-
ject you are studying. Do
you think you fit the bill? If
you have serious doubts
about these requirements a
PhD might not be right for
you.
Moving on to the other part
of your question, a good
place to start looking is in
Prospects Postgraduate
Directory, a copy of which
can be seen in the Careers
Library. It is also available
on the internet. They will
give you some idea of the
kind of research going on in
different parts of the country.
If you would like more
detailed information you
could try Current Research
in Britain, a copy of which
can be seen in the Main
Cindy’s Minibus
Every Monday Night
Leaving Chancellors between 10pm –11.30pm
Pick up from Cindie’s between 1.15am –2.30am
Hazel Farm
Every Wednesday and Friday Night
Pick Up at Hazel Farm Bus stop (Senate University)
1.45am –2.45am
Library. This contains brief descriptions of the
work which various academic staff in British
universities are carrying out. The next step
would be to send your CV with a covering let-
ter explaining what you would like to do and
why. You can make as many applications as
you like.
Finally, if you would like to stay at Surrey, all
you need to do is mention your interest to the
member of staff with whom you would like to
work and they will tell you what might be
available.
Russ Clark
Careers Service
ARE YOU HAPPY PAYING TUITION
FEES?
THIS COULD BE YOUR LAST CHANCE
TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT…
On Wednesday November 15th, Students
across the nation have the opportunity to
unite with NUS to take part in the Grants
not Fees event in order to show the nation
just how committed us poor students are
to the abolition of Tuition Fees, and this is
our chance to do it with one huge impact
of a united voice.
Some of you may well remember the
march for education last year where
1,000’s of students marched across
London and threw 100’s of rubber ducks
into the Thames. Everyone that went had
a wicked time last year and this year the
turn out could be even better, particularly
as it is a crucial time as the parliamentary
elections approach. The Grants not Fees
event will begin at 11.00 am on 15th
November in Malet Street in London. From
here everyone will then march together to
Kennington Park where London Mayor
Ken Livingstone, NUS National President
Owain James and others will address the
rally. An added bonus this year to end the
day in a more celebratory style, there will
be a special concert for all the students
participating held at Brixton Academy fea-
turing Roni Size/Reprazent, The Artful
Dodger, The Freestylers and Manchild.
We are also trying to organise for special
t-shirts to be made so you might even be
able to take a memento of the day – it
could make history after all!
Without action to eliminate unequal
access to higher education, higher educa-
tion may once again become the almost
exclusive preserve of the wealthy. The
recent Cubie Inquiry into student funding
in Scotland highlighted many of the defi-
ciencies of the UK system and radically
altered the policy of the Scottish
Executive. Scottish students are now eligi-
ble for income-contin-
gent maintenance
allowances and are
exempt from upfront
tuition fee payments.
NUS is calling for this
system to be extend-
ed to all students
throughout the UK,
just as the campaign-
ing worked in
Scotland, with
enough support it can
work here in the UK
too.
does provide entry on purely academic cri-
teria.
Protection against the threat of differ-
ential or top-up fees so that the quality of
a student’s education is not determined by
an ability to pay and that higher education
is not divided by the creation of an expen-
sive elite.
NUS have organised this and are cam-
paigning hard on behalf of every student,
so lets show them that surrey students are
with them 100%.
Months of planning have gone into making
sure this Grants not Fees event will not
only make a huge impact but also that you
will all enjoy it. If you support the cause
(i.e. you are not happy about the likely
possibility of leaving uni in a ridiculous
amount of debt) then use your voice and
sign up in the union reception to join this
event (or email me on s.westwell@sur-
rey.ac.uk - free transport will be of course
be provided from campus to and from the
event. We do realise that it may clash with
some of your lectures but please be
assure that all university staff will be
informed that students may wish to attend
this and that all Trade Unions are support-
ing this event so it should not be a problem
for them to let you go.
Tickets for the after party concert (Artful
Dodger, Freestylers, Manchild, Roni Size
etc.!) do have to be bought in advance.
You can still just come along to the rally
and march for free, it is not obligatory that
you go the after party as tickets for this do
cost – but all those featured acts will be for
no more than £5 so it is a complete bar-
gain if you are considering it. More details
of how to buy these tickets are available at
the Union Reception as well as the signing
up list for the march. So come along and
join the march with your fellow students.
by Susie Westwell

NUS is committed to:

The restoration of
targeted grants i n
order to encourage
potential students
from poor socio-eco-
nomic backgrounds
into higher education
without the fear of
huge graduate debt.
The abolition of
tuition fees in order
that education may
be free at the point of
entry, does not dis-
criminate against
those who can’t
afford to pay and
09/11/00 Societies 21
Notices
Exec
Exec Committee
Committee
Thursday 9th November
Doctors & Nurses Night 5pm Grant Mitchell Room

Student
Student Council
Council
Anything but hospital radio! Tuesday 14th November
Last Saturday saw the first event from Surrey’s 1pm Main Union
own student radio station, GU2. With a theme
of “dirty doctors and naughty nurses” the Central
Central Committee
Committee
dancefloor heaved to the medical massive as Thursday 16th November
have-a-go bongos joined the beat pounding
sounds of some of the best of GU2’s DJ crew.
Attention:
Attention:
One of the most successful Saturday nights
this term, you can expect more in the future. On Saturday, 4th November,
GU2 officially launches at the start of February the Alpine Garden Society
on 1350am, tune in - it’s anything but brain sur- held a successful all-day
gery! meeting in the Lecture
X-Ray-tastic
Noise Surgeons Theatre Block. During the
After keyhole surgery on Saturday night the packing up operation at
results were
about 4:45pm, someone
as follows,
passing through the lower
concourse picked up a small
plant in a pot from a table
there. The plant is labeled
ANEMONE POLYANTHES
and will not live for long in a
heated room. It is a high
mountain plant needing spe-
cialist care and is not avail-
able from ordinary garden
The Sisters Of Mercy Dance Dentists
Ear Canal Specialist centres but only from special-
ist suppliers. The rightful
owner requests that it be
returned so that it may
receive the tender loving
care that it deserves. Please
deliver the plant to the Union
reception, as soon as possi-
ble.

The Two Surgeons of Noise
Extreme Sports Club
I’m a sensible kind of guy, ask anybody; I never
do anything stupid or risky, I’m even frightened
of dogs (no jokes about I can’t pull good look-
ing birds either please). So why on earth would
I want to throw myself out of a plane, 3,500 feet
off the ground, safe in the knowledge that if
both my parachutes fail my death will be pain-
less and instant, but immediate. I found myself
asking this question as I ran to Senate House
in a world record time, to arrive for the 6:30am
start last Saturday (damm useless alarm clock).
I was about to spend a day being taught about
the noble art of parachuting.
After our short minibus ride to the London
Parachute School’s base in Oxfordshire, the
eleven slightly insane individuals congregated
in a parish hall and began being barked at by
an ex-serviceman. During the day we were
shown everything, as you would expect and
indeed hope. In fact, not only were we shown
everything, it was drilled into us so much that
you can do it instinctively.
If you wanted to do a parachute jump, the first
thing you would do is jump, sorry to be obvious,
so you learn how to do that without getting
caught up on the plane (or almost twisting your
ankle like I managed). Next your main para-
chute has to open, a static line, which goes
from a solid point in the plane to you backpack,
automatically opens it. As you start your
descent, you have to perform a number of
checks; such as can you maneuver yourself to
Unis
Unis Choir
Choir
UniS Choir, Soloists, and
Baroque Players present a
Look at that pair Ear Drum Specialist Lunchtime Concert on
Wednesday 15th November
at 1:10pm in Guildford
the right and the left, with your steering levers, said a word about the jump itself. Well, unfortu- Cathedral.
and (always a useful one this) can you land nately the weather intervened, even to the
safely. Then you can have a ‘play’ and enjoy extent where the plane could not even take off.
the ride for about 1,500 feet. So over the next few weeks we will all jump and Performing Handel's 'Acis
The ‘playing’ generally means head over to a please be assured you will get to see photos of and Galatea', conducted by
designated area, where you can try out things; our faces as we land. Nicholas Conran.
for example you could go into a spiral, or send
your stomach up somewhere close to your By Luke Hickey. Admission Free - everyone
brain by ‘pumping’ and then releasing the welcome.
levers quickly. Anyway, after your fun comes
the serious bit of landing, there is a set pattern, Food Allergy
similar in a way to how an aircraft lands, you go
Do you have a food allergy?
around the side of the landing area and then
turn around, come back and land, hopefully And five minutes to fill in a
questionnaire for my
without breaking anything.
Despite the obvious risks, parachuting is a dissertation. Then call
very safe sport, especially at the beginners Hannah on extension 55427
level. The guys who trained us have about 1
beginner’s main parachute ‘fail’ each year (out
of about one thousand first time jumpers), and
AGM’s
in most cases this is student error. In each case
the reserve has fired properly and you anyway Thursday
Thursday 9th
9th November
November
are taught the drill for any problems so well that Ultimate Frisbee AGM
you can change parachutes in two seconds. A variation to the school game ‘sticky mud’
Time 7pm, Union
Society chairman, Steve Payne told us that the
chances of both parachutes failing are about
Thursday
Thursday November
November 9th9th
the same as winning the lottery and being
Funk Society, 7pm
struck down by lightening and the same time.
So why would you want to undertake this
experience? Well here are a few quotes from Thursday
Thursday November
November 9th
9th
the people do did go on the training day: Nightline AGM, 18AD04 6PM
‘Floating at 100mph must be something, I have
to try it out’ (Tamas Kormos) ‘I love the fear’ Thursday
Thursday November
November 9th
9th
(Richard Longland) ‘It would be rude not to’ Third World Development
(Jonathan Wood) ‘It will back up my claims to AGM
bravery’ (Gareth Torner). Even our own editor
6.30pm - LTE
Kev Marston took part in the day and said ‘I
want to experience the adrenalin rush and
falling peacefully through the air’. Thursday
Thursday November
November 9th 9th
By now you may have noticed something; Student Industrial Society
The Extreme Sports Crew and Trainer
I’ve waffled on about the training day and not AGM, 7.30pm TB23
22 Sport 09/11/00

Surrey Pride
Sporting Vernacler
Keep the reports coming in! Its great to
be able to keep everyone updated
about Surreys continued competition
successes (and the less common loss-
es). It would also be good to hear
about a few teams that have not fea-
tured yet this year. Quite notably, the
mens teams. There is nothing wrong in
lagging behind the other half of the
sport. Just try to put some spin on your
activities. Surely someone in the club
must be used to making “things” sound
better than they really are!
Thumbs up should also be given to
Mountain Walking for their continued feed-
back. Other non competitive clubs should
get writing however. Firstly so we don’t just
hear about MWC and Surf and secondly so
everyone hears about what you get up to.
You can definitely recruit through writing arti-
cles and if you can get some photos in as
well then your club will look even better.
Chops
Six A Side Results
Wednesday 1st saw Real Wages play Consult Hyperion in the six a side football competi-
tion at the Varsity Centre. An early blunder by goalie “Chip” Monks, letting in a soft long
range shot looked to have cost Real the chance of any points in a tough match. However
almost straight from the kickoff Consults goalie made an identical mistake allowing a long
range shot from Nathan in to make it 1-1. The game was evenly matched and later “Chip”
redeemed himself with an excellent close range save, and so the game ended 1-1. The
result leaves Real Wages 2nd in the group with 2 games to play. At the post match inter-
view Chairman “JR” Stacey was asked about the performance “We always knew it would
be a tough game and would have settled with a point before hand, however any more mis-
takes like that by the goalie and we might have to dive into the transfer market” Real
Wages next play in the 5 a side competition Thursday (today) lunchtime. REAL WAGES
MEDIA

Chance Brown
UniS Squash hit a slight snag last week, we
lost a string! Playing away at Brunnel, we
had a great drive around the M25 in our lit-
tle Corsa, all five plus bags again! We had
the usual flawless performances from the
lower end, Martin Page and Stuart Morbin,
strings four and five respectively. Neither of
them dropped a single point in their 27-0
demolition of the opposition. Mike did his
usual of making the opposition look much
better than they were, closing out two close
games before a 9-0 game to clinch the
match and Chris behaved in exactly the
same fashion finishing with a 9-0. Although
it must be stated that he didn’t go 4-8 down
in the second game before deciding it might
be a good idea to win- Mike! So with strings
one, three, four and five under our belt we
could end this report here and all go home
none the wiser. But no, full attention has to
be drawn to the interesting display by our
second string, Paul Chance.
Never in the history of University of Surrey
squash has such talent been displayed.
With unerring skill he kept his opponent
pinned to the ‘T’ for large portions of the
game, presenting him with opportunity for
kills all over the place. His length was fan-
tastic, contriving to bounce of the back wall
straight to his opponents racket, his drops
either being driven straight into the tin or
somewhere around the middle of the front
wall. His running game was so fast it was
impossible to see him run it was so fast, so
fast in fact that we never saw him run in the
whole miss-match. Perhaps he was experi-
menting with a new tactic, playing so badly
that he was hoping to catch his opposition
off guard and surprise him with his interest-
ing shot selection. In short he was not good,
when he was good he was bad and when he
was bad he was very bad indeed. He lost,
collecting nine points along the way (in sep-
arate games!), three love! So if you happen
to see this squash genius around campus
do feel free to shout out a greeting, his nick
names from his team mates will do, I am
sure you can work them out.

VACANCIES
FULL TIME & PART TIME
EVENINGS, WEEKENDS LUNCH TIMES
HOURS TO SUIT

BENEFITS INCLUDE FREE MEALS, CAR

PARKING, HOLIDAY PAY, BONUSES

£5.62 per Hour*

(Fri, Sat and Sun evenings after 6pm)

£4.50 per Hour

(Starting rate at all other times)

Burger King North Street

Burger King Ladymead
Retail Park
(By the A3/Wooden Bridge)
Guildford
Drop in and fill in an application form today!
Speak to Kyle (Duty Manager)
Phone 01483-539822
09/11/00
Surrey Pride
Two Sticks and Me
The Nordic Pole-Walking experi-
ence.
If you were out around campus at
lunchtime Tuesday or Wednesday
you may have seen a small group of
determined walkers with brightly
coloured poles, and thought, Who
are they? What are they doing?
Don’t they look silly?!
In fact, this group would have been
practising the art of Nordic Pole-Walking,
brought back from Finland by Sally Edie
at UniSport. Having seen a few posters
around, and spoken to Sally about the
fact that it uses up MORE CALORIES
than normal walking, I thought it was
about time I had a go. Dragging a friend
along with me, I met Sally on Wednesday
lunchtime
when she took us through the history of
the sport, the benefits and how fun it was
- Sally is very enthusiastic! After a short
warm-up, we figured out how to hold the
Come Hell or Very High Water
WOMEN’S WATERPOLO
10 - 4 WIN!
Against all the odds (well, torrential
rain, wind and flooded roads) and a
lengthy journey, the Women’s
Waterpolo team won in the first
game of the season on Sunday
night. Despite the poor weather we
had a good turnout with a mixture of
new and experienced players. The
game was a debut for players
poles properly (it’s not really difficult, I’m
just extremely un-coordinated!) and set
off. Despite falling over my feet a couple
of times, I quickly picked up the rhythm
and was striding away like a regular. I
could feel the muscles in my upper arms
and shoulders very quickly, so it must
have been doing some good! At the end
of the walk I felt like I’d had a workout,
and on such a beautiful day it was great
to be outside doing something! When the
Mountain Walking Club goes out at the
weekends, I will join them having bor-
rowed a pair of poles! (mail mountain-
walking@surrey.ac.uk for more info).
If you want to know more, contact Sally
at UniSport. You can join in the fun on
Tuesday lunchtimes at 1.05pm outside
Senate House, or on Wednesday
lunchtimes at the same time in UniSport.
Come along, be inspired!
Madeleine M
Nathalie, Jen, Jo and Hannah, who
all showed great potential for future
success.
As ever our goals came thick and fast
with 3 each from Barbara, Susie and
Heather, and a bonus goal from our cap-
tain Raffaella. Southampton tried to
retaliate and made a good attempt in the
third quarter, but were kept at bay by
Maddy and Rachel, with Tennille block-
ing them in goal. We were quite well
behaved (by our standards!) with
Sport
Raffaella, Susie and myself being the
only exclusions of the game - what can I
say - we don’t know our own strength!!
So, a great start to the season which
we are sure to continue. Watch this
space for photos and more reviews, and
keep your fingers crossed for our BUSA
tournament on the 19th November.
Many thanks to our coach Nick and driv-
er Roger for their support.
by Sarah Bowen.
23
UniSport
Varsity Bar
The Beer Festival at the Varsity Centre is on
Friday 8th December 5-11pm FREE ENTRANCE.
Over 30 different real ales. Happy hour 5-6pm.
Come early it gets busy!
We are considering holding a regular UniSport
Quiz Night at the Varsity Centre. Teams of five,
entry fee £10 to include a jug of beer and snacks
plus a donation to charity. Thoughts???????
Every Mon, Tues, Thurs 5.30-7pm ‘Great
Juggage’ in the form a 4 Pinter for £6. Each per-
son imbibing during this period will be entered into
a raffle to be drawn at 7pm. Prizes include beer
and food vouchers.
Elite Sports Programme
Congratulations to Peter Holden for representing
England and winning in the European Long Range
Shooting Team Championships held recently at
Bisley. Peter, 1st Yr Mech Eng, came 5th of the 12
English shooters. Other nations competing were
Germany, Channel Isles, Wales, Scotland, and
Ireland.
Challenge UniSport
If you can get a group together to challenge the
guys and girls at any sport you wish then contact
John Perrin, j.perrin@surrey.ac.uk (p.s. go easy as
some of us are getting on - still there is no substi-
tute for experience!). Only criteria, being that it has
to be played at the UniSport facilities.
Retail
Currently on offer in the sport centre shop UniS
printed Ts were £6.99 now £5, UniS printed
Sweatshirts were £17.99 now £12. Also check out
the SALE RAIL. Varsity Centre shop is offering dis-
counts on various footwear styles including astro,
soccer, squash and tennis.
Volleyball Workshop
The Thursday evening beginners session has now
finished. All those who attended are welcome to
come to the club sessions at 7.30 (women) and
8.30 (men). Thank you to Vibeke and Heidi for tak-
ing the sessions.
Body Max
New courses will start on Monday 13th November
at 7pm and on Thursday 16th November at 12pm
and 1pm. Please register at sport centre reception
for these five week courses of fitness training with
light weights, steps and dynobands.
Pilates
A reminder that the 2nd 5 week Pilates course will
start on Tuesday 14th November at 12pm and 1pm
for all those who have signed up.
Check out the staff profiles on our web site
www.unisport.co.uk

M OUNTAIN WALKING
This weekend the Mountain
Walking Club was fairly busy.
On Friday night we met up in
Chancellors to have a few
drinks before going to watch
the University fireworks. Pete
didn’t need much persuasion
to break his abstinence ban -
apparently he’d given up alco-
hol for the month of
November...2 days later... Now
it’s been changed to, he’ll only
drink in moderation, for the
month of November! Sorry
Pete, I know you thought your
friends would never find out
about Friday!
On Saturday morning, with Mike
suffering a slight hangover, we set
off on our walk around Shalford.
Decision Time
FANTASTIC F ENCING F EATS
The last few weeks have been
pretty hectic for both the fencing
teams. On Wednesday of week
seven we had our first match, the
women can lay claim to a home
victory against Queen Mary’s and
Westfield (QMW) but unfortunately
the men did not do quite so well
against University College London
(UCL).
In week eight we all headed off
to Imperial College, London in a
minibus (driven by our fantastic
and ever patient chairman – yep
that would be Daniel!). We had an
interesting time and got some very
strange looks as we all trooped
across London in our fencing
whites! We had actually been dou-
ble-booked with a graduation tea
in the sports hall, so we had to
change venues half way through
the match and ended up fencing in
the bar, which despite our
SURREY PRIDE
The Mountain Walking team take a wellearned rest
Maddie arrived proudly displaying
a pair of Fitness poles, used for
Nordic-style Pole-walking, much
to everyone’s amusement. She
had some difficulty around the
high street but once the paths
became less crowded it became
much easier. Evan seemed scared
that
she was carrying something that
could apparently be classed as a
lethal weapon, for some reason?
We were very lucky with the
weather as it stayed warm and
bright all day. I am not sure if we
ever made it to Shalford as Mike
seemed to have some difficulty
with the mapreading, even with
Eleanor’s help. We were pleased
attempts at persuasion they
refused to open. Unfortunately
neither of our teams managed to
win this match, although the men
put up a good fight, especially in
sabre! The day was rounded off by
a slightly surreal experience in
Sainsbury’s car park!
Then last week was our second
away match. The girls headed off
King’s College, London, against
whom we did not really stand
much chance. They were the team
who beat the team who beat us
the week before. (Any questions?)
It was our hardest match yet,
against some girls who actually
have national standards. National
standing versus our little team,
made up of one epéeist, two
foilists and two beginners. (You
need three members for each
team). It was both Claire’s and
Becky’s first real fight in a compe-
One way to score a point
F OOTBALL D ELIGHT
University ‘A’ 4 Wilson had a chance to increase
the lead, but shot wide. After he
Pirbright 0 got an attempt on target the keep-
er saved it, but Jason Doyle
After a fairly promising start to pounced to punish the sloppy
the league the team knew this defence. 3-0 at half time and
was a stern test of their Pirbright held an inquest.
resolve. Pirbright were the The second half Pirbright came
unbeaten leaders of the back at us but the centre backs of
league, and had crushed the Darrell (+ sideboards) and Paul
university 2n d team in the cup Trewin held strong. With the full-
last week! Despite this the backs looking accomplished in
team got off to a flying start defence and attack, the University
with Sam Musk & Simon began to cruise. This was worth-
Wilson causing havoc down while as Darrell decided not to try
the wings. After 20 minutes to kick the ball to Tescos and
the breakthrough came. decided to pass the ball, which
Although the University were
Fat Scouse chased and was 1 on
to have Elaine with us, a third year playing ‘champagne football’ 1 with the keeper. This led to one
nurse who has been promising to the 1 st goal came from a mas- of the funniest moments of the
join us for over 2 years now! sive kick by the ‘pretty boy’ year. Despite having cramp he
Thanks to all who came, it was ‘keeper Cushway (sporting a carried on forward and beat the
good to see that we haven’t man- new Beckham style haircut) keeper, and then fell in a heap, to
aged to put anyone off yet, as and Fat Scouse chased the be wheeled off to the hospital.
Jose, Helen, Rob and Heidi all through ball and slotted it The University ‘A’ are back while
came back for more! passed the Pirbright ‘keeper. the second team curl up in a ball
If anyone is interested in joining The physical side of the game and cry to their mothers!
us, but can’t make it to the meet- came out and the duo of Kev
ings on Tuesday lunchtimes 1pm Warren and Jason Doyle held us Andy Berry
in the Teaching Block foyer, please strong in the middle.
e-mail us at The second goal came
mountainwalking@surrey.ac.uk. 5 minutes after the first
There will be another short walk and it was Captain
this Sunday, if you wish to come Courageous who got
please meet outside the Union by it. Fat Scouse chased
the cashpoint at 9.30am. Anyone a lost cause and
welcome! whipped the ball into
the danger area. The
Welsh Wizard reacted
first to skin his man
and beat the ‘keeper at
his near post.
Simon ‘spooner’ The Footie team as they were
tition and considering the calibre
of their opponents, we all think
they did rather well! The men’s
team also had an away match
against Essex, which they won by
a large margin – Well done lads!
The general consensus is that
everyone who took part enjoyed
themselves and everyone fenced
well.
Since the BUSA divisions have
been changed, the fencing teams
have discovered that, at least in
our opinion, we would probably
have done better if they had
stayed the same. I think both
teams have now fought their hard-
est matches, with the expected
results, but we will all have the
chance to redeem ourselves when
we play them in the second round.
Our next fixtures take place on
Wednesday 8 th November
between 2:00pm and 4:00pm in
the UniSport Hall. The women are
playing Reading and the men take
on Royal Holloway.
Finally a huge thank you to all
our supporters and to Richard,
Justin, Daniel and Steve for the
coaching and advice they give us.
Also get well soon wishes to Emily
and Dave, hope they will be back
with us soon!
By Claire Hathway and Rebecca
Lambert
Edited by Stella Webb