The University of Surrey Students’ Union Newspaper

issue 1058 www.ussu.co.uk THURSDAY 15 MAY 2003 9Hz

Artist offers campaign solution

Local artist to suggest light installation to Council in order to prevent further underpass attacks
A LOCAL ARTIST has met with campaign
organisers and members of Guildford
Borough to propose a possible solution to the
safety fears associated with the underpasses
highlighted in the “Lights. Camera. Action.”
campaign.
Mary Branson, a Guildford-born artist
whose light installation Red Tents formed
an integral part of Guildford’s recent
International Women’s Festival, has
suggested that it might be possible to create
an installation in one of the troublesome
underpasses and thus provide its users with
an adequate feeling of safety as a result of
the extra light provided by the work.
Discussing her ideas with campaign
organisers, Ms. Branson said: “I think it is
absolutely possible to achieve something
with this project. The underpasses offer
a unique opportunity to combine art with
practical requirements and certainly create
BY RICHARD WATTS
the chance to offer students and Guildford
residents safe passage with the introduction
of a light installation.”
Having worked with Guildford Borough
Council on some of her projects before, Ms.
Branson is a welcome addition to the LCA
campaign. Before the Easter holidays, Toni
Borneo, the welfare officer of the Students’
Union, met with the Vice-Chancellor
Professor Patrick Dowling and Mr Greg
Melly, UniS’ Director of Corporate Services,
at one of the troublesome spots to discuss
the underpass issue and a feasibility study
was commissioned in order to determine
the cost of installing CCTV. The report
produced a figure of £55k. Having secured
the support of Guildford MP Sue Doughty
and various councillors for the campaign, as
well as impacting on the University’s future
transport plans (as reported in barefacts
last week) the main hurdle thus became
the funds required to make the underpasses
safe. It is hoped that Ms. Branson can help
develop another possible solution alongside
Ms. Borneo and other campaign organisers.
“This work can incorporate the University,
local business and the community in order
to make it succeed,” said Ms. Branson,
who met with Guildford Borough Council’s
arts development officer George Longland
yesterday [Wednesday].
Ms. Borneo said: “This is a very exciting
time for the ‘Lights. Camera. Action.’
campaign. The issue of student and citizen
safety has not gone away and this shows
we are looking at every possible solution
to ensure that anyone can walk through the
underpasses and feel safe.
“With some co-operation from the
University and the Borough Council, we
have a solution that not only deals with the
safety issues, but offers something to the
community as a whole as a piece of art.”
Mary Branson is a graduate of Surrey
Institute of Art & Design and is currently
working on an M.A. considering “Art and
Space.” Her previous work concerns the
rituals that exist within different sections
of society and has used light installations
to challenge the traditional notions of art
displayed within galleries.
The most recent example of this is her
work commissioned by Guildford Borough
Council as part of the International Women’s
Festival. To create Red Tents, Ms. Branson
constructed twenty-eight structures and
placed them on The Mount, illuminating
them for three days and nights such that they
overlooked the town below and were visible
from Guildford High Street.
barefacts believes | page 4

HOW TO SUCCEED Travelling on the road to nowhere Student awards

UniS’ transport plan, the Tory plan The inaugural union
Offering his thoughts on the
and nostalgia in opinion page 4 awards sees the first
recruitment process and those International Student
involved in it, Ben Supper The summer of the sexy sequel of the Year page 2
evaluates your chances Super-hero saviours, sexy men and
of getting a job in six women and Piglet in film page 12 Life After the Womb
months | page 8 Does cheese really
Slingers taking on the outdoors make you have
PLUS Your free 4-page colour guide Ultimate frisbee, squash and the rest bad dreams?
to the end-of-year events going on at the Union of the hockey tour in sport page 24 Possibly page 21
2 NEWS 15 May 2003

USSU presents new “International Students reject cafeterias in

Student of the Year” award favour of continental-style bars
EVERY YEAR, THOUSANDS of International
students take the plunge in studying abroad
and choose Surrey University writes
Charlotte Dawson. Some only come to do a
degree, but most achieve much more. They
immerse themselves in the community,
joining sports clubs, societies, traveling
England and providing support for other
overseas students.
This year, the Union, in conjunction
with the University International Office
have decided to honour students that have
made the most of their time here and given
something to the community. Academic
achievement is important, but this award
recognises that there is more to studying
than the degree. Six students have been short
listed for the award, after submitting a letter
detailing their experiences over the course
of their study here. The International Office
had the important, but near impossible task,
of awarding only one with the award, which
The nominees
Tamas Kormos
from Hungary :: studying astrodynamics
Amit Tiwari
from India :: attending the Management
School
Farhan Ahmad Chaudhry
from Pakistan and a Masters student in
satellite communications engineering
Liala Ounjit
from Thailand :: sociology research student
Chao Yu
originally from China :: SeMS student
shall be presented at the Union Awards
Ceremony on Thursday night. The entries
were all of a high standard and showed the
International Office different experiences
they had all encountered. A common theme
was that many felt unsettled on arrival,
but once they started activities there fears
soon faded away. The winner will receive
their own personal memento and a shield
has been commissioned to record their
achievement.
The following are two extracts, taken from
their entries to the award:
“Since this year I have also done additional
volunteering. Every week I go to the local
Guildford Action drop-in centre and help
with computers…As you see student life
offers millions of opportunities and I do
not think I managed to realize even a tiny
fraction of what is actually possible.” -
Tamas Kormos
“As I looked back, I realised that I missed
many opportunities to learn about other
things that would have interested me and
broken the despondent state that I had fallen
into. I resolved at that time to open myself
more to find other things to do, particularly
something that involved meeting other
people.” - Laila Ounjit
The International Student of the Year
Award (below right) will be announced
on Thursday 15th May in Chancellors. The
Union and the Int. Office would like to thank
all students that entered and look forward to
receiving even more entries next year.
ACCORDING TO THE results of a survey
published last week, the time of campus
cafeterias and restaurants could be over
writes Richard Watts. The survey, entitled
Scolarest Eating on Campus Report 2003,
showed that health-conscious students are
now more inclined to eat at continental-style
bars and coffee shops instead of their more
traditional counterparts.
Students’ use of cafeterias has declined
from an average of five times a week to just
three times a week over a period of four
years, leading the authors to suggest that
there has been a significant shift in students’
tastes.
The report found that students spend an
average of £3.88 a day on campus, with
first-year students spending the most
and postgraduates the least. More than
two-thirds of students said they preferred
sandwiches instead of “meat and two veg”
style meals.
Around 3% of students admitted to drinking
beer during the day with other alcoholic
drinks such as wine and alcopops receiving
virtually no rating at all. Carbonated drinks,
tea and coffee were the most popular drinks
amongst students.
Some 1000 students were questioned for
the survey, a quarter of
which said they could
not find food they
found they liked
to eat on campus,
with more than a
third of students
in London and
the South
Chris Hunter
claiming that the food served on campus
was bland.
In Scotland and Northern Ireland, attitudes
were markedly different, where almost one
in three students said they budgeted no more
than £2 a day for eating at college. Overall,
38% claimed that food was too expensive
although more than half said that campus
food was “very good.”
The report goes someway to explaining
the losses the University’s catering services
(UCS) are currently experiencing. The
two main restaurants on campus aside
from Chancellor’s – Roots and Seasons
– are both running at a loss and UCS as a
whole is thought to be struggling and losing
more money than was projected at the start
of the financial year. A survey has been
established around campus to find the root
of the problem, questionnaires for which can
be found in each of the eateries on campus,
including Chancellor’s and Rushes.

supervisors
required
£6.50 - £7 p/h :: 28th July - 8th August
FISH is an activity based scheme being run by Guildford
Borough Council for children aged 10-16 this summer
Activities include DJ & graffiti work-
shops, skiing, climbing, comedy and
much more
We are looking for reliable, enthusiastic,
self motivated individuals to work as su-
pervisors on the programme. Working
closely with the professional facilitators
you will supervise children and help run
the activities.
If you think you have what it takes and you want two weeks
of action packed fun, then contact:
Susan Kelland :: (01483) 444769
for more information.
Kid rock: the V-project proves the kids are alright
Some of the area’s finest young talent
descended on the University of Surrey
and a representative of Guilfest awarded
the title to ‘Four Laps Behind’ for the
Students’ Union on Saturday 10th May ‘overall strength of their performance
for the first UniS Battle of the Bands and originality’.
competition writes Andy Blair. Andy Blair, one of the event’s organisers
Students from the Student Unions’ agreed; “It is only very rarely that young
volunteer project - known as ‘V’ - joined people get the opportunity to show how
forces with University staff and local talented they really are. All the bands
schools to organise the event which that performed showed commitment,
allowed bands to compete for a winners originality and passion for what they
trophy, vouchers for Andertons Music for were playing and it was a pleasure to
the winning school, free tickets to Guilfest have such fantastic support from both the
2003 and ultimately the chance to play at schools and pupils alike.”
the festival itself this July courtesy of the Four Laps Behind can be seen on the
festival staff. Unsung Hero’s stage at this year’s
The five bands that took part in the final Guilfest on Stoke Park, Guildford.
each performed a set of songs lasting
twenty minutes covering a wide variety
styles and entertaining a large audience of
pupils, teachers, parents and the general
public. The schools were represented by
Four Laps Behind (George Abbot School,
Guildford), Choall (The Warwick School,
Redhill), Harmonia (All Hallows School,
Farnham), Just Add Water (Broadwater
School, Godalming) and The Happy Slugs
(Oak Farm Community, Farnborough).
After an intensely competitive show,
the panel of judges made up from a
University lecturer, Student Union
Volunteer, two members of staff from
the Academy of Contemporary Music
15 May 2003 NEWS 3

Conservatives “will abolish tuition fees” if in power

Employment figures do not reflect true graduate performances
SURREY’S SPECTACULAR STATISTICS of
graduate employment may not be accurate
according to new figures. Official figures
from all universities have been criticised
as exaggerating employment prospects, as
they fail to distinguish between graduate
jobs that do require high level qualifications
from those that don’t. Topping the list of
subjects whose graduates are least likely to
be employed in non-graduate occupations is
American Studies, with 34%. The picture
is also bleak for languages and many other
arts subjects.
According to the THES, the best performing
subjects once non-graduate destinations
have been taken into account are degrees
leading to professions such as dentistry,
medicine and veterinary medicine.
This year, jobs are being assigned
“traditional graduate” or “non-graduate”
categories, based on research done by
Abigail McKnight, who conducted the
research whilst working at Warwick
THE CONSERVATIVE PARTY has promised to
scrap tuition fees if they are elected at the
next general election. In a speech given
earlier this week, the Tory leader, Iain
Duncan Smith (left), pledged to end the
maximum £1,100 yearly fee and abolishes
the government’s widening participation
and access targets of 50% of all young
people experiencing higher education by
2010.
The move, will save students and their
families around £700m in fees. By
abolishing access targets, the Tories would
BY PHILP HOWARD
NEWS EDITOR
University’s Institute for Employment
Research. Doctors, Lawyers, engineers,
teachers, technical occupations and even
high-level sales and skilled clerical jobs are
counted as “traditional graduate”. A third
category of “graduate track” is included for
jobs that require a high level of education
but not necessarily a degree, to cover entry
programs like low-level management and
some skilled manual work.
With a relatively high proportion of
engineering and science graduates, Surrey
should not suffer too badly. If this type of
scheme where adopted, however, it would
mean the end of Surrey’s stint as the top
performer in terms of graduate destinations.
HEFCE, however considers that this
available information does not give a full
subject-based analysis or detailed data by
institution.
BY RICHARD WATTS AND PHILIP HOWARD
save £485m and also avoid massive costs
associated with an access regulator – an
idea to be introduced by the government to
help ensure targets are being met within the
higher education system.
The policy is in direct contrast to the
government’s current higher education
funding proposals and is the clearest
indication yet of the differences between
Labour and its Opposition. Mr Duncan
Smith said: “Tuition fees are a tax on
learning. [They] penalise hard-working
families who simply want their children to
get on.”
The announcement was met with differing
attitudes. The National Union of Students
said it “welcomed” the news and said that
the policy “left the government standing
alone on the idea of top-up fees and with
their own party strongly divided on the
issue.” Indeed, though Charles Clarke
– the education secretary – believes he can
have his tuition-fees plans passed through
the House of Commons, there is growing
dissent amongst Labour back-benchers and
many are signalling their intention to vote
against the proposals.
Universities UK reacted angrily against
the abolishment proposal, claiming the
proposals would “deprive universities of a
much-needed source of funding to relieve
middle-class students from paying fees” and
suggesting that funding cutbacks might have
to be met with staff cut-backs.
Labour ridiculed the Conservative
statement. Margaret Hodge, Minister for
Lifelong Learning & Higher Education
said: “The Tories have demonstrated yet
again that they have a complete lack of
understanding of the funding crisis that
universities currently face.
“Abolishing all tuition fees will mean
immediate, terrible cuts in student
numbers.”
A Liberal Democrat spokesman said that
the policy was a “gimmick” and that the
figures didn’t add up.
barefacts believes: page 4

Chinese students may have to defer course

THE BRITISH COUNCIL warned last week that
thousands of Chinese students may have
to defer taking up their places at British
universities after the cancellation of their
English-language tests due to the Sars
crisis.
About 12,000 students a month normally sit
the exams at British Council centres located
in China, but most area having to wait now
for a lift of the ban on large public gatherings
that were introduced to stop the spread of
the epidemic. Of this number of students
sitting the International English Language
Test, around 3,000 would normally apply for
a place at a UK higher education institution.
The Chinese community constitute
the largest fraction of the international
population at the University
www.bbc.co.uk
BY RICHARD WATTS
of Surrey with some 450 students currently
registered on courses here.
Since passing the test is a pre-requisite
for entry to most courses, students will
not be able to start their courses in the UK
unless either the ban ends or institutions
make arrangements to carry out the tests
themselves.
Expecting a backlog in the number of
students wishing to take the examination
once they are allowed to do so, the British
Council has started preparations to help
worried students. Talking to the Times
Higher Education Supplement, Suzanne
Alexander, the promotions director, said:
“Every month that goes by without testing
exacerbates the situation as the backlog
grows.”
Ms Alexander also said that UK institutions
might have to review their admissions
policies in the wake of the disturbances Sars
is causing. She said: “If there are students
who are unable to complete their exams in
China, institutions may have to think about
whether to accept students on the basis of
their academic record to date, or perhaps to
defer offers. In the case of English tests,
they may need to increase the number of
places available on their pre-sessional
English courses.”
4 OPINION
THE UNIVERSITY OF SURREY STUDENTS’ UNION
UNION HOUSE
UNIVERSITY OF SURREY
GUILDFORD GU2 7XH
The Conservative Party has opted for
the popular policy, but not much else
The Conservative Party has finally made
its play and placed some pretty hefty cards
down confidently on the table. If elected
to government at the next general election,
they will abolish top-up fees and abandon
the government’s widening participation
and access targets.
barefacts supports any policy that states it
will not charge top-up fees, be they up-front
or retrospectively, because they have been
shown to deter students at colleges and
schools across the UK from entering higher
education. Attendance at university should
not be measured by a students ability to pay
for their course.
In order to finance such a move, the Con-
servative Party will burden the tax-payer
with some £700m and in order to compen-
sate for this, will not chase the government’s
targets associated with access to HE and
thus save in the region of £485m. They will
also disband the regulator that monitors fair
access to HE, resulting in a saving of around
£200m.
What these figures boil down to is this:
the Conservatives, by putting clear water
between themselves and the Labour party
on this vitally important home issue, make
the case for intellectual elitism over access
to university. Put simply, they would prefer
to have the cleverer people at university
than those who either stump up the money
or have it paid for on their behalf. Labour,
on the other hand, are still seemingly set on
two mutually exclusive approaches: intro-
duce top-up fees and aim for 50% of young
people experiencing higher education.
It looks on paper that the Conservatives
might have got it right. Heck, even the
National Union of Students have welcomed
their announcement. But is it higher educa-
tion, and more importantly the students that
it will benefit, that are going to reap the re-
wards of the change?
barefacts is somewhat dubious. Labour
have been criticised for ignoring home is-
The momentum is now with the
“Lights. Camera. Action.” campaign
With the election of a new Borough Council
comes the next stage in the campaign proc-
ess. A local artist has proposed a project that
will not only benefit the community in terms
of the safety issues associated with the un-
derpasses off campus, but also - by bringing
art to a more accessible level and employing
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“The direction in which education starts a man will determine his future life.”
PLATO (427BC - 347BC)
15 May 2003
sues during recent times and most heavily
criticised for its higher education policies
- most notably, top-up fees. The Con-
servatives are obviously aware of this and
have seized the opportunity to prove the
deficiencies in the government’s thinking,
and yet no credible political voice would
ever dream of placing the Conservatives in
power after the next general election. And
so it is that this announcement seems only
Above: the new management building which, despite being flaunted in the prospectus has providing excellent
to be a gesture - a reasonable solution to a facilities, is till yet to actually open up to students or staff, some 9 months off target. Photo: Chris Hunter
problem that will hopefully result in politi-
cal gains ultimately designed to bridge the
On the road to absolutely nowhere
gap in the polls in order to allow the Tories
to challenge for government in seven years
time and not two.
Such games do not benefit the higher educa-
I READ WITH interest last routes have been created,
tion sector. Having suffered a chronic lack
weeks article in barefacts but this takes no account of
of government funding for the last 20 years,
about the university’s plan to the fact that the majority of
institutions and their students do not need
ban campus residents from these are not connected to
political gestures - they need action.
bringing their cars within each other. There is no point
As such, Labour is on the right track. Yes
the so-called exclusion in creating a 100-metre cycle
- higher education needs more money. Yes
zone. Anyone familiar with route that starts as quickly
- higher education needs higher standards.
the area immediately behind as it ends. Dedicated and
Yes - higher education needs to be open to
the cathedral will be aware protected cycle routes are
all (and no - those last two points do not con-
just how intense the battle PAUL CANNING employed Photo:
by manyPaul Wright
of our
tradict each other). Yes - a student makes
for road space has been for European neighbours, but are
an investment and should contribute to their
a number of years. Indeed, “Driving a car has been noticeably absent in the UK.
course but no - top-up fees are not the way
the local residents have for politically incorrect for Tackling the number of car
to do that. Instead, a graduate tax is more
some time now been placing years, but the alternatives journeys made in this tiny
suitable so long as there are plenty of grants
leaflets on the windscreens are hardly attractive.” island has long been shirked
available for those students that can’t afford
of student cars advising by all of our major political
university (and on that point alone, the NUS
them not to park on their parties. The risk of alienating
shot itself in the foot when it said it would
streets. Quite how this new restriction will the so-called middle England voter is always
campaign for grants and grants alone).
be enforced, given that it will be all but perceived as being too great for wide scale
The intellectual argument that considers
impossible to identify for certain whether a changes to the cost of owning and driving
which evil is greater - create intellectual
car belongs to a local resident or a student, a vehicle. At the moment someone who
elitism or make sure everyone has a go?
remains to be seen. drives a 1.3 litre Ford KA pays the same
- is answered by both the government, the
A shortage of road space is not of course a amount in road tax as a gas guzzling, dual
Opposition and the NUS alike: all argue for
problem restricted to Guildford, all over the exhaust 3 litre Jaguar. In Germany, drivers
grants for the clever students from lower
country, road congestion has been getting face six different levels of road tax for their
incomes that couldn’t afford universities
progressively worse for many years. In vehicles based on the engine size of the
regardless of the funding situation. As for
January of next year, Birmingham will motor vehicle and how much it pollutes. A
other solutions, we need more than futile
receive the dubious distinction of hosting highly tiered system that promotes driving
gestures and popular soundbites designed
Britain’s first toll road. The M6 toll road more environmentally friendly vehicles
for the sole purpose of re-gaining office.
will allow you to bypass one of the most that occupy less road space is a logical first
infamously congested pieces of tarmac in step to changing the public attitude to the
the country, but this privilege will cost you car. Not only is private car ownership very
three pounds. Drivers in central London are convenient for many people, but also is
of course already subject to the daily £5 largely seen as a symbol of independence.
congestion charge. A variety of sustainable alternatives to
Driving a car has been politically commuting by car are the best and most
the University, local business and the com-
incorrect for a number of years now, but effective way tackle road congestion. The
munity in order to accomplish its execution
the alternatives hardly encourage people government and university should consider
- allow Guildford to offer more to those that
to trade in their motor for a railway season why so many people still choose to own and
live on its streets, both students and citizens
ticket. Eight years after privatisation, one drive private motorcars. The overwhelming
alike.
in five trains are still running late and next response will be a lack of practical
It is two birds with one stone and it is a pri-
year commuters face huge rises as the caps alternatives for the journeys they make
ority of this paper to see it is accomplished.
on season ticket price rises are abolished. most frequently. Living and studying on a
Cycling, an environmentally and healthy relatively small campus can easily make
mode of transport suffers due to the safety people feel confined; draconian measures on
issues associated with this mode of transport the parking of cars near campus or driving
and the ludicrous way that local councils on congested roads does not address the
create cycle routes. Each year they must underlying problems.
declare how many extra miles of cycle
15 May 2003
The Tory Party is suffering from IDS (Irritable Derision Syndrome)
IAIN AND DUNCAN Smith, as the leader(s)
of the Conservative Party is collectively
referred to on the popular political quiz
show Have I Got News For You, appears to
be in a spot of difficulty.
(A bit like British politics as a whole, then?)
He is openly and frequently derided as
an ineffectual leader by the other political
parties, by the press, and more worryingly
by both the public and members of his own
party.
(Are we still talking about IDS, or have we
moved onto Blair?)
IDS has apparently zero support, or at
least none that would admit it publicly.
His leadership is commonly assumed to be
the result of the struggle between Portillo
(charming, charismatic, but gay) and Ken
Clarke (decisive, but anti-war and pro-
euro). Faced with these two, the Tory MPs
promptly turned around and voted for IDS,
who looked like Hague, was pushed to the
fore by Hague, and was essentially a Hague
substitute from the word Go, particularly on
certain derisory topical quizzes.
(Doesn’t that undermine him as leader of
The Opposition?)
As leader of The Opposition (well, we
hear it often enough it might as well be
capitalised), IDS is supposed to be what
Hague was. Charismatic, smooth, sharp-
witted, honest and capable of appearing to
scythe through the Blairite spin and deftly
pick out those stealth taxes that the Tories
rave on about. Instead, they have a quiet
and softly-spoken man, capable of uttering
Ladies and gentlemen of the class of 2003 (don’t forget your sunscreen)
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, of the class of 2003.
Be part of barefacts.
If I could offer you only one tip for the
future, barefacts would be it. The long-term
benefits of barefacts have been proved by
scientists, whereas the rest of my advice
has no basis more reliable than my own
meandering experience. I will dispense this
advice now...
I find myself writing an article for the last
edition of our Students’ Union newspaper
in the final year of my course, and that
really makes me think. At the back of
my mind I’ve known that my degree is
coming to an end for several months, but
it’s only by experiencing the “last” of
regular occurrences that the reality really
hits home. I’ve had my last lecture, by next
week I’ll have finished my last exam, and
by the week after that I’ll have given my
last presentation. All that’ll be left is the
graduation ceremony.
And then that will be it. FIN.
Given an 800(ish)-word-sized-gap for an
opinion piece, what would be more fitting
than an article about my thoughts on this
unique time at which every student may one
day find themselves at?
I had a look at the corresponding edition
of barefacts last year (issue 1033) to try to
gain some inspiration along the lines of “as
I’m going to graduate this summer, here
are some witty anecdotes about my time at
OPINION 5
phrases like “the quiet man from his own back-benchers. other, but not really happy on the left, as
of politics”, and agreeing However good IDS may be Britain is essentially a pretty Conservative
with Blair. Unfortunately, underneath, the Tories need place.
agreeing with PM is not a leader that can inspire them (But could they elect a decent leader back
something you’re supposed and the public, which IDS in, in the near future?)
to do, even if he does appear simply cannot provide. Given that the most productive adverts at
to be implementing Tory (Suppose they had a good a Tory conference would be for Zimmer
ideas right, left and centre. leader, would they have a frames, I doubt they could bring themselves
(But is there anything really PHILIP HOWARD chance even then at the next to elect Portillo or Clarke, unless someone
wrong with him? Surely a election?) made a mistake and targeted all the Bingo
quiet, honest man is just the “Much as the Tories had a The voting public is having a halls in Eastbourne one dull Saturday night.
antidote the country needs problem picking a leader love affair with the left right (So what can be done to save the Tories,
to all that spin and sharp because of the restrictions in now. It’s demanding public and gain them even one seat at the next
tongue?) choice, the public are faced services improve, wishing election?)
Perhaps as an MP IDS is with the same problem.” that the trains were never There is only one answer. Bring back Hague.
brilliant. But somehow he privatised, looking to the Unless you know someone is planning the
has risen to the top of the tree, so presumably government to meet its needs. However, Eastbourne thing. IDS is currently a stop-
there is some political skill there. It is, much as the Tories had problems picking a gap. He is a leader, so there’s not actually
however, hidden from the public, and also leader because of the glaring problems with any need to elect a new leader as such, but
from the Tory party – they have a tendency the available choices, so does the public. at the moment the Tory party is less a party
to support their favourite of Portillo and Looking to Labour, they find a leader that is with direction than a group of disparate MPs
Clarke first, then remember to add on the renown for spin, doesn’t have the backing of who happen to be wearing the same colour
end that of course, IDS is a very good leader his own party on any of the important issues tie. I shocked myself recently by finding
– almost an afterthought. and appears to be more rightwing than the myself agreeing with some things that
(So can the Tory party get anywhere with Tories, not to mention that the sounds of a some Tories (usually Portillo, but probably
this chap?) million protesters on some muddy London only because he’s the most visible) were
It looks like the Tory party is going nowhere, grass are still ringing in their ears. To go saying. But I couldn’t vote for the Tories in
this side of a new leader and some good further left is Kennedy and the Lib Dems. a General Election, because of their inability
public debates. IDS simply doesn’t enthuse Much the laughing stock of old, they appear to move with any unity. Labour manages
the public – he is simply compared to Hague to be gaining ground, if only because they that a little on Lefty issues, but not so much
and found wanting. I watched an interview give the impression of being honest (and on international issues. Lib Dem, despite
of Hague a while ago, and suddenly the Kennedy stood on a platform in front of being my party of choice until recently, fail
sharp wit and the sly charm came flooding those banner waving folk and agreed with to impress by blatantly following the public
back, and I remembered the days when Blair them). So they should have a chance, as the opinion – and I hate The Sun politics. IDS
actually had some tough resistance in the British public is at perhaps its most volatile is a bit of a problem, but I fear that it’s a
Commons. These days he gets more retorts level yet, swinging one way and then the symptom rather than a disease.
Surrey”, but unfortunately I remember specifically, it involves obvious personal gain or little
for me there were none to while others were either work on your behalf (please understand that
be found. The metaphorical forgotten or never read the I have used “you” here as I am incapable of
archaeological dig continued first time around. using “one” in such a way, and therefore
down another year to issue Each issue mentioned fully include myself in this generalisation).
1008 and yet there were still above (with one exception) Perhaps if I’d paid more attention to the
no sentiments to plagiarise. contained a section by Dr. weekly careers advice in the past I would be
Down yet another year Russ, either in the form of in a better frame of mind right now.
to March 2000 (issue an answer to a “Dear Russ” What if, what if... well, I guess it’s never
982, in which our current JAMES SHEPPARD letter or a list of useful too late. Similarly, I’d always wanted to get
VP Communications and pointers for job hunting. involved with barefacts, and eventually I
Marketing caused quite a I shamefully admit that did. You’re reading it now; my involvement.
stir with the editorial team “At the back of my mind I usually skip over such Despite having intentions since first year, I
in place at that time) and I’ve known my degree sections when I read the finally made my first contribution back at
by this time I was starting is coming to an end, but paper in the same way that the start of this academic year, making this
to wonder if I’d ever find an only now is it a reality.” I skipped over everything my fifth and final piece and averaging one
article similar to what I was bar the “personals” and “ents a year. Hardly what you could call prolific
hoping to write here. planner” sections when I journalism, but it’s something. It certainly
Back in time one more year to issue 961 was in first and second year, simply because makes my Mum proud, gives me a buzz, and
in 1999 (Chancellors Logo Challenge), I though it had nothing to offer me. provides ideal substance for my CV. It is
back another to issue 934 (Talent Contest Now I find myself hurtling towards the the opportunity to express my thoughts and
“scandal”) ... and my search came to an end. official end of studentdom, and at present communicate them to thousands of students,
Not because I found what I was looking for, there’s no employer waiting with open arms and potentially anyone in the world with
but simply due to the fact that I had run out to catch me as I fall. I think I’ll be back at access to the WWW.
of places to look; I’d reached the end of the Careers Service rather soon for a chat, There are various other bits of advice
the online pdf archive, and I wasn’t quite rather than to pick up glossy brochures I could give to those of you who have a
desperate enough to go rummaging through similar to the ones currently gathering dust year or more at Surrey left, most of which
paper copies. in my room. I don’t want to have spent five you might ignore, some might catch your
My search through past editions of years of hard work becoming a Master of interest.
barefacts wasn’t entirely fruitless; it brought Engineering, only to end up unemployed or But trust me on the barefacts.
back memories of events, both local and make a foolish career decision. barefacts archives can be found at
international, that occurred throughout my That’s the way things work: all too often www.ussu.co.uk by following the
five years at Surrey University. Some articles you only give a damn about something when “barefacts” link at the top of the page
6 FOCUS: STUDENTS’ UNION
The advent of DAVE would suggest that everything is
plain-sailing with the Union. But does USSU do what
it is supposed to? Rich Watts answers the question
THE STUDENTS’ UNION is typically held to
be the centre of student life in amongst
the wildlife that constitutes University
Life. It is thought to be the epicentre
of a student’s experience of university,
such that to consider three or four years
at university without becoming involved
within the Union or experienced what it
has to offer is comparable to neglecting to
watch the football during some sort of major
tournament or other.
And yet something seems to have gone
wrong with the University of Surrey
Students’ Union. This is apparent because
all the signals coming out of the Union this
year have been of the “look at what we have
done” variety, highlighting how ‘fixed’
things now are and what new opportunities
the Union has to offer its membership.
Marvel at the V-project; wonder at the
spectacle of DAVE; admire the sight that is
the newly refurbished activities centre.
Closer inspection of these new projects,
though, tells us that things are still not quite
right with the Union. DAVE celebrates
because some 700 students register for its
or
modules; the V project is labelled a success
because ____ volunteers have helped with
various projects in the community and
election turn-out, being the most widely-
publicised, accessible voting opportunity
yet delivers a very ordinary 10% with the
introduction of on-line voting proving to be
the big hit this year.
The question is thus formed: how can
the union be thought of as a success if
involvement in its projects is at such a small
percentage of the student population that
less than the capacity of the building on a
night out uses its facilities?
Let us start with the recent history: some
three years ago, the Union was in severe
financial difficulties with Chancellor’s
some £40k in debt and the Union as a whole
lingering at around the quarter of a million
pound debt mark. Priorities were shifted,
goals were changed and the main focus of
everyone – both staff and sabbaticals alike
– was to put USSU on a secure financial
footing. This was, of course, the right thing
to do because after all is said and done a
Union cannot provide any services to its
?
students if there is no money to provide
those services.
Such a focus on the commercial aspects
of the Union, however, resulted in a case
of inertia that proved difficult to counter:
with so much energy keeping the Union’s
commercial activities going, what was
happening to the non-commercial services
– the advice, the representation, the support,
the development? In short, there was
nothing going on in those areas – a vast
oversight, given that the motto of USSU is
to “unify, support, develop and represent
students of the University of Surrey.” Hence
the developments of the last 18 months and
the arrival of DAVE, V and other associated
programmes.
And yet there are still these issues of
involvement. To blame it on apathy is to take
the easy route – after all, why blame your
own lack of ability to confront something
when you can blame it on someone else’s
indifference? – and so the Union is left with
this predicament on its hands concerning its
relevance to the student population.
By joining the University of Surrey, every
student automatically becomes a member
of the Students’ Union, regardless of race,
creed, religions, culture, academic status
or course type, totalling somewhere in
the region of 12,000 students. Does the
Students’ Union represent every single
15 May 2003
student studying here at UniS? The answer
is categorically and resoundingly “no”. We
look to two examples to see why:
First, let us consider the current breakdown
of student numbers: neglecting those
students that are not directly involved with
the University and Union on a day-to-day
basis (which is to say the part-time and
placement students) 61% of the student
population is constituted of undergraduates
and the remainder are postgraduates. Of
the entire student population, 30% are
international.
The question is thus how can five, middle
class, white undergraduates i.e. (historically)
the sabbatical officers claim to represent the
student body when they are certainly not
indicative of the student population, and
thus cannot identify with many of the issues
students experience during their time here?
Put simply, they can’t. I doubt many of you
really understand what a sabbatical officer is
supposed to do, a position you are entirely
justified to occupy.
Second, consider the democratic process
through which students can currently air
their views and mandate the sabbaticals to
act on their behalf: student council. This
year has seen no more than ten people
engage in student council across the entire
year and has, in terms of a forum in which
students can prescribe the actions of their
representatives, failed miserably. What
is more, this is the result of three years
of democratic neglect in which the Union
has failed to engage those it is supposed
to represent and has instead concentrated,
rightly or wrongly, to address its own
constitution (almost literally) before seeking
any remedies – a process to which I have
NOTICES
Iranian Society, Thu.15th May, 6pm LT H
Ent & Events Committee, Friday 16th
May, 5pm Union Committee Room
EU Society, Monday 19th May, 6pm LT B
Magick & Pagan Society, Tuesday 20th
May, 6.30pm Roots Bar
LGBT Soc., Tues 20th May, 7.30pm TB 20
Mountain Walking Society, Wednesday
21st May, 1pm Teaching Block
Photosoc, Thursday 22nd May, 6pm TB 1
Afro-Caribbean Society, Thursday 22nd
May, 6.15pm LT A
Cheerleading, Thursday 22nd May, 6.30pm
Tap Room @ UniSport
Elec Eng Soc Fri23rd 6pm Channies
EconomicSoc, Fri 23rd May, 6pm 04AD00
Lebanese Soc, Fri 23rd May, 9pm TB 11
Livesoc, Tue 27th May, 7pm Main Union
JuiJitsui AGM 3:20pm GM room
Sunday 18th May
15 May 2003 FOCUS: STUDENTS’ UNION 7

regretfully contributed. long list of students that sit on student

Having realised that the ideal of democracy council and it is very much evident that
has therefore failed – in as much as the the structure is in place such that student
student body cannot seem to find any outlet council can work, it is just a case of making
through which to voice their concerns - it do so.
the question then becomes: how can this It soon becomes obvious that if their fellow
situation be rectified? If the sabbatical students know each of these representatives,
officers are concentrating on day-to-day a specific query or concern has an avenue
administration instead of representation and through which to make it apparent
other associated tasks, is there any need for and, what’s more, be dealt with until a
them at all? solution is found. If any one of the above
Well, yes – there is a need for them, but representatives fails to fulfil their role then
only if the key issue of student council is they can be held accountable. It is thus the
addressed. case that if it is believed a sabbatical officer,
Student council is the collection of for example, is not performing their duties
students, student representatives, executive as they ought to, they can be told about it
officers and Union officers that determine and mandated (read told) to do better. If
the direction of the you don’t know what
Students’ Union; they “How can the a sabbatical does, why
form the response to not tell them what you
the questions of the Union be thought would like them to do
student body and are and see them do it?
ultimately accountable of as a success if The practical amongst
to the student body if
they cannot provide involvement in its you would have noted
that most of this is
the answers. That you
as the reader are more
projects is at such rooted
making
in theory,
assumptions
than likely completely a low level that both on behalf of the
unaware of its existence student body and those
is testimony to the student numbers individuals within it
democratic misery that may want to get
of the last few years. total less than the involved and their
The solution to the
redundancy of the capacity of the relationship with each
other; I would not argue
Union, however, lies
within student council
buliding on nights against that, but simply
offer this observation:
– if it is possible to out? Quite simply, it works. Look at some
give students the of the most successful
ideas of ownership, of it can’t.” students’ unions in the
response and of stating country and you will see,
their discontent through student council though by no means perfect organisations,
and representatives, or indeed to become autonomous bodies that can hold their
those representatives themselves, then it university’s to account. Leading the way
is possible for the Union to once again of late has been Cambridge Students’ Union
become a beacon of representation. If such – it would seem they are not all too busy
mechanisms are in place, then and only then being spies to care about how the university
is it appropriate to flail the a-word around. treats them.
There are around180 members of student The consequence of a useful student
council. Those members are students who council is students that are more aware of
have decided they would like to help sort what the Union can do for them. Perhaps
out issues when they arise and are willing more importantly, becoming involved with
to liaise with the relevant Union and student representation might encourage
University personnel to deal with problems. those students that are not historically of
Examples of such students are the culture sabbatical mould. To see an international
and events officer, accommodation officer, student, for example, as a sabbatical officer
academic affairs officer, campaigns officer; at USSU would be to see 10 years’ worth of
other members include University school progression symbolised in that one body.
representatives, accommodation court Perhaps the biggest challenge facing the
representatives, environmental officer, Union is making that transition from the
international students’ officer, disabled model that works nicely in the garage to
students’ officer, women students’ officer, the purring engine sitting in the middle of
LGB officer, mature students’ officer etc. the convertible J-type. Drawing parallels to
and one nominated representative from each the situations it has found itself in before,
Union sports club and society. however, leaves something more substantial
That is a very broad, quick sweep of the than flickers of hope dancing in
the democratic dark. If the turnaround in
the non-commercial fortunes of the last 18
months – though considerably restricted in
terms of the student body – can be expanded
upon then there is a distinct possibility the
Union can finally establish itself as a body
that can hold those folks in Senate House to
account.
After all, the next few years are going to be
vital: the University will expand to Manor
Park, the government will change the face
of student funding irrevocably by the next
term of government and the student body
might, as a result, question everything it is
provided with and whether they are getting
value for money.
Is this the typical University of Surrey student?
Isn’t apathy fantastic?
JOHN SLATER
I love apathy, me.
Someone asks you about
anything political, and you just shrug
and say something along the lines of ‘I
don’t bother with all that politics crap.’
If someone asks about how I’d vote if
they had an election now, I think I’d
vote for a pizza and a dvd night with
a few mates. You won’t catch me near
an election booth, they’re for those
annoying toffs who think it matters.
Politics is just so boring. Euro this,
animal rights that, whether we buy
things in pounds or kilos. Give up, I cry,
just let me pay a fiver for my kebab and
pint of Stella and leave me be. I don’t
want to know about what some politician
thinks about universities, I’m on my
course and I’m happy. Nor do I want
to hear about some war on some place
I could point to on a map, it doesn’t
matter to me.
No, I exercise my democratic right to
sod about and ignore the world, to leave
it to its own devices – as long as it doesn’t with debates about paying for education,
affect me, I don’t give a monkeys. And
if does affect me, I’ll go with whatever’s
cheapest. I don’t care about the
education my kids get, so long as they’re
out of the house from 8 til 3, and I don’t
mind who the current Prime Minister is,
More worrying than that, though, is the
development of UniS. It is worth noting
that any activity the Union provides that
is dealt with by a member of staff can be
taken over by the University if they so
wish. If every facility was removed in such
a fashion, then all that would be conceivably
left is five sabbaticals and a building. The
focus must now be placed on the democratic
structures of USSU in order to ensure its
usefulness and relevance to future student
bodies and that those five sabbaticals
have the structure behind them to hold the
University accountable and to make a noise
if the students are unhappy.
or who we’re allied to. It
makes no difference to me,
because I don’t think about
it, I don’t listen.
I reckon that what we don’t know,
can’t hurt us. So I aim for the Ignorance
is Bliss option, and just hope they
never do something stupid like put a
politics question on Who Wants To Be A
Millionaire – why should I care if there’s
a Euro or not?
This is a democracy, and that means
that I, the great British apathy, can sit in
my armchair and watch rubbish if I like,
rather than stand in some little hut and
put an X in a box like it means anything.
Politics means nothing, because I don’t
let it. They can all go vote for the BNP
for all I care – I’ll still get a curry on
Thursdays, and I’ll still dodge my taxes
– I mean, what are they going to do, send
the Nazis round?
Apathy is obviously the way to go
– all that extra time on TV for decent
programmes, no rubbish about politics
or whether we should start wars, or
whether we should join the bloody Euro.
I mean, what’s it got to do with me? I’m
apathetic; I care so little, I don’t have a
voice.
8 FOCUS: EMPLOYMENT 15 May 2003

How to succeed
in the real world
THE SUN IS shining. Women are
disrobing. Exams are drawing to a
close. Most of the people who are
reading this newspaper won’t be here
next year. Some will never set foot in
Guildford again. Since this is the last
barefacts before September, the time
is ripe to discuss the future.
If the University’s employment
statistics are honest, I can assume
that the vast majority of people who
graduate this year will walk straight
into a decent job. I have a suspicion,
though, that our enviable employment
figures are caused not so much by the
‘strong industrial ties’ of which we
are so proud as they are by the fact
that hardly anybody here is a horrible job. If you have qualities consider giving you a job the moment
studying an Arts subject. that enable you to escape from Sir Cliff Richard announces he’s the
I can’t help but suspect such a job, you will escape. Only First Horseman of the Apocalypse’.
that any University which large, successful companies can The trick is therefore to apply
categorises Law and French justify having dedicated personnel only to medium-sized, unsuccessful
a s Arts is sweeping something departments. It is a general rule that companies, who don’t have a proper
sinister under the carpet. these large, successful companies recruitment procedure owing to the
For this reason, I am concentrating operate with ruthless efficiency: petty empire-building corporate
on employment opportunities for otherwise they’d be medium-sized, culture imposed by their stifling
Arts graduates. This doesn’t mean unsuccessful companies. Hence and wasteful middle management
that this article won’t be useful if there are repercussions. A clerk in structures. Schools, hospitals, and
you study a more lucrative subject. a personnel department of a big government departments are just some
However, according to a number of company has the job of recruiting public institutions inspired by this
recent stories in this newspaper, Arts other people who venerated British
graduates are the underdogs in the are more talented hierarchy. The
job market, and the careers service than he or she is. “I have a sneeking chances are that
isn’t very well equipped to deal with Meanwhile, he or you’ll be offered
them either. This brings me to the she will sort CVs suspicion that UniS’ an interview
huge difficulties Arts graduates seem
to have finding employment. From
in a stuffy office
when people all
employment figures simply because
the CVs have
my experience, there are only five
types of job available: performing
around are being
promoted to other
are more to do been skimmed at
the last minute
(for the lucky ones: the pay is good departments with the fact that and filtered in
only because the hours are relentless), which pay a very arbitrary
teaching, being an administrator for a better. In other hardly anybody way, for example
charity, becoming a Union sabbatical, words, only the by excluding
or flipping hamburgers. least ambitious here is studying an all Pisceans and
It’s a general rule in life that if you
have flair, intelligence, ambition,
or able people
will be around
Arts subject.” anyone who has
listed football as
imagination, and skill, but few English to read your job a hobby. You will
or Science qualifications to your application. How are they going to then be lied to, and told that they
name, you’re not going to withstand recognise qualities in you that they haven’t bothered to read the CV that
the scrutiny of any self-respecting are constantly reminded they lack? you spent six hours agonising over
personnel department. This is because This explains why anybody who because ‘everybody lies in their
people who have spent several years is applying for a graduate job with CVs’.
in a personnel department are likely the word ‘music’ or ‘dance’ or ‘art’ If you are offered a job, such a
to have suffocated many of these anywhere in their degree title is company will either go down the
qualities themselves. usually put on the pile marked ‘your pan two years later, or far worse,
You see, vetting CVs for a living is CV is now in our files, and we will be taken over by Americans. If you

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published by the University of Surrey Students’ Union
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15 May 2003
Concluding his residency in barefacts’ pages,
Ben Supper leads us to through that niggling
question at the back of people’s minds: what
happens after graduation? It’s not all good news
and no amount of self-help books will make it
seem any better
escape the inevitable streamlining,
they will waste your time with
pointless productivity workshops and
self-assessment programmes. The
workshops will be so expensive that
the company will no longer be able to
afford your wages. Then you’ll all be
sacked.
On the other hand, if you are lucky
enough to have experienced the
bliss of an industrial placement, a
potentially useful plan is to seek
permanent employment with the
same company. However, many
of the people I know who found
good placements in their third year
discovered that they were unsuited to
FOCUS: EMPLOYMENT
the field in which they worked. This is
a diplomatic way of putting it. What
they really want to say is: ‘This would
be a valuable placement for anybody
wishing to be paid subsistence wages
to perform work that any moron
could do. Anybody wishing to learn
how to be given no responsibility and
simultaneously to accept all possible
blame when something goes wrong,
work psyche-splitting hours with not
even a murmur of thanks, and live off
beans on toast in a damp cupboard
while small children throw stones at
you and nick anything of any value,
may find this to be a valuable and
worthwhile experience.’
There is, of course, another
alternative: make some successful
friends and learn from them. I’ve been
watching my fellow graduates for a
few years now, so it’s obvious which
ones have amounted to something. I
reckon that it’s quite easy to tell at an
early stage who is going to earn all the
money. For
example, you
can analyse “You can spot prof-
somebody
fairly well by itable talent fairly
the company
they keep. This
easily: it’s all just a
‘company’
n e e d n ’ t
game of ‘Monkey
refer only to See, Monkey Do.’
their friends
- it may also We don’t need
cover other
engaging uses self-help books to
of social time,
such as books,
tell us that.”
CDs, or films.
You can spot profitable talent fairly
easily. It’s all just a game of ‘Monkey
See, Monkey Do’. For example, I
have three or four friends whose
bookshelves include a number of self-
motivational books. These invariably
have hirsute, grinning men on the
front cover underneath embossed
bold capitals. They’re called things
such as ‘Say No To Negativity’,
‘Shag, Blag And Blackmail Your Way
To A Seven-Figure Salary’, ‘Actually,
You Can Take it With You When You
Die’, and ‘Self Hypnotism: How To
Poo Solid Platinum Jewellery’.
These books use convoluted
psychological techniques to inform
people of the blindingly obvious.
Now, anybody who displays this kind
of book in their homes is consciously
advocating it. They are doing so
because they can spot two things in
the book: themselves, and a person
whom they want to become.
Self-motivational books do seem to
work. They assist clever, industrious
people to even higher levels of
attainment. This is because making
money entails doing two things. First,
learn to believe in
9
your own approach. This is called
confidence. Second, if you’re going
to tell people the blindingly obvious,
don’t do it without using convoluted
psychological techniques. This is
called consultancy, and it’s worth at
least fifty pounds an hour.
There’s no magic to it, just two
principal rules:
always serve bullshit
with flattery, and
never say anything
for free if people
will pay to hear it.
If you want to earn
four hundred pounds
a day, it’s got to be
worth a shot. You
don’t even have to
be a bastard. Here’s
a related tactic: fill
your shelves with
books and CDs by
rich and successful
people. Read them
or listen to them. Then make some
yourself. This takes a lot of luck and
tenacity, but it’s not impossible. So
Solid Crew have done it, and they’re
clearly idiots.
If all of this fails and you still can’t
find a permanent job, there are still
other avenues to explore. For example,
you could persuade your father to join
a golf club or the Freemasons, and
then to use his influence to get you a
job. I don’t know if this works or not
but it’s worth a try, and it’s something
that careers advisers never seem
to mention. Perhaps that’s because
they’re all golfers or Freemasons
themselves: I’ll never know.
Finally, there’s one important option
that I haven’t yet mentioned. To be
honest, I’ve dug myself a bit of a hole.
If I was born to succeed, I wouldn’t
have chickened out of the real world,
packed in a decent job after less than
eighteen months, and returned to
University. But if all goes well, I will
be graduating next year with a PhD Direction: self-help books
from the Institute of Sound Recording can help you stand out
from the crowd. They
- or whatever the School of Arts also state the obvious and
decides to call it that week. make the authors
McDonalds it is, then. incredibly rich
10
Outrage caused by University’s new
transport plan and curb on parking
Dear barefacts,
I was outraged to read in barefacts last week
that the transport plan of the University
was to ban any student living in a hall of
residence from parking a car on any public
road within the “exclusion zone” used for
deciding eligibility for parking permits. I
was also rather shocked that bf thought it
was “a relatively good idea”.
How dare they deem where a student can and
can’t park their car in areas not belonging to
the University. I pay my road tax and as part
of the payment, I get the use of public roads,
this includes parking on them. Compare it
to the following situation. Say you lived in
London and your landlord wrote in your
contract that as a condition of residence, you
could not park nearer than a mile from where
you wish to live, even though the roads have
no parking restrictions. You would think it
was ludicrous.
We all know the real reason this has been
introduced. The University does not want
to upset the local residents while the plans
for Manor Park are being approved. We
should not be putting student safety below
pandering to the demands of pretentious
local residents, worried that cars parked
outside their house are ‘spoiling their
views’.
Now people will argue that you do not need
a car if you live on campus, but so what. I
should have the right to choose to bring one
and park it sensibly if I wish. People do
not need computers in their rooms, as the
University supplies good computer facilities,
but people still get the choice to have one. In
my final year I, as others, brought my car to
University at periods when I needed it; for
work on my final year project, as part of
my general degree and I know many people
used cars to get to work they had to do to
support their study. Many people consider
cars a safe way to get back from a place
of work, especially if you are working late
hours. It has been suggested that you will be
able to apply in special cases, but this should
not be the case. What are they going to do?
Make permits to allow students to park in
the streets? Which then singles out students
as students and probably puts their cars
more at risk and potential thieves will know
“At least three of these films will
be pants. Sorry about that.”
in
Jolyon Hunter tells it like
it is when it comes to
new films over the sum-
mer holiday
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
Letters must be received by 5pm on the Monday before publication to guarantee their presence in the next newspaper. Letters
may be edited for length or clarity | E-mail: barefacts@ussu.co.uk
that the owner is probably not near by.
And how do they think they can police it?
People won’t declare that they are bringing
a car with them. Are security going to patrol
local roads or follow students whenever
they leave campus? Or more importantly,
will local residents watch students through
their net curtains and report student to the
University?
Students on campus are not the only people
who park in the streets around campus.
Due to extortionate parking charges on
campus and low wages, many staff choose
to park off-campus as well. Anyone who
has parked in nearby roads will also have
seen people leaving cars and walking to
work in the town centre. Students who
live on the edge, or beyond the “exclusion
zone” tend to park off-campus also and
will probably continue to if the University
keeps on issuing more permits than spaces.
They have to get to lectures, if campus car
parks are full, they have to park somewhere.
These are the majority of people who use the
roads around campus. The new introduction
will not sort a problem, it will make many
students feel victimised and takes advantage
of the huge demand of cheaper on campus
accommodation.
At the Union we do on the whole discourage
students from bring cars to University; in
fact, I think it was the number one question
asked to us at a recent open day. I know
improvements have been made to transport
links around campus, but still more needs
to be done. Buses still do not run regularly
enough in the evenings and Guildford train
station has poor late night services. I can
understand why people may not feel safe to
walk around Guildford at night and through
underpasses, which bf has highlighted as
being unsafe, back to campus.
This is not the way to sort the current
parking problem out. I understand that
more roads in the area are being made
resident permit only and this is a logical
solution, not by penalising students for an
every increasing problem that Guildford is
generally facing.
Yours,
CHARLOTTE DAWSON
(VP SOCIETIES & CULTURE AND CAR DRIVER!)
Left-wing leanings resulted in biased
article on asylum-seekers and the BNP
Dear barefacts,
I regularly enjoy reading the many & varied
articles that barefacts has to offer. But I was
fairly outraged by the recent article written
by Mr Richard Watts relating to ‘Mixed
Feelings concerning the credibility of the
far-right in Britain’ (barefacts issue 1057).
On seeing this I thought that it would be a
unbiased informative article. This is where
things started to go wrong. Mr Richard
Watts views are obviously very left wing
& this was evident throughout. The Mirror
is now a ‘respectable’ paper for being left
wing? I leave this for another discussion.
His drawings of comparisons between the
Jews (presumably in nazi Germany from the
continued references to Hitler etc.) & of the
asylum situation in Britain, was disgusting.
Read your history books & use your brain,
Mr Watts. The Sun newspapers coverage of
Liberal Democrats “talking gibberish”
concerning underpass plans in Guildford
Dear barefacts,
I read the letter from the local liberal
democrats last week and have to say,
what a load of gibberish. They said it
was ‘regarded as a matter of urgency’ and
that Sue Doughty MP had ‘prioritised the
issue’ (without saying what priority she’d
given it), and bemoaned the lack of funds,
trying to palm off responsibility for the
funding to the university and (I really don’t
understand this one) the police. Above all I
was impressed by their lovely little swipe
at Mike Chambers, for having the gall to
suggest that budgeted funds should be used
where they’ll do most good (or isn’t the
safety of the people important to the lib
dem party?). I would really like to know if
they’ve actually done anything, and if so,
LCA campaign support from Ash Grove residents
Dear barefacts,
I am not a student, but a female resident
in Ash Grove (opposite side of the A3 to
Southway). To get to Tesco’s, the cathedral
roundabout or Park Barn (where I work), the
only way out of Ash Grove on foot is via the
footpaths and underpasses.
3 or 4 years ago we had a spate of sexual
assaults on the footpath close to Ash Grove.
I had a lucky escape. I looked over my
shoulder just as a man was approaching
me - literally within arms reach, right
behind me - he took fright at being seen
and disappeared into the bushes. The police
said the description fitted the man who was
15 May 2003
the recent war in Iraq was commendable, &
showed that some people in this country still
have a little pride left for their country. The
troops in the front line had at least some of
the support they deserved while the mirror
hired people that had been condemning our
country to the Iraqi media.
I am a member of the Conservative Party
& have absolutely no time for the extreme
views of the BNP, but please barefacts
offer both sides of the story if you’re going
to print articles such as this, or don’t print
it at all. Or you’ll be in danger of earning
the ‘respectability’ of being a left wing
newspaper & losing the unbiasedness that
all newspapers should aim for (especially
within a student situation such as this).
Thank you for your time.
Yours,
MR CLAYMORE RICHARDSON
what. I would also like to know when this
‘urgent’ matter will be resolved. I would like
to know a lot of things, and their letter told
me none of them. I would suggest this.
If they want to allay the fears of the student
population, they should submit an article to
our editor-in-chief. Their contact details are
in the paper, they’re not too hard to find.
This article should explain the possibilities
discussed for improving safety, the cost,
effectiveness and feasibility of each option,
and the reasons why nothing’s being done
about it yet. Or they could just wait until
someone gets killed down there, it’s up to
them really.
Thank you ever so much,
MORGAN GOOCH
committing the sexual assaults. The subject
of safety on these footpaths is of interest to
me for obvious reasons.
I wish to register my support for your
Lights Cameras Action campaign and I
would imagine other residents in Ash Grove
would like to as well. We’re only a small
road (31 houses, I think) but Ash Grove is
probably more affected than most roads in
the area as we have no option but to use the
footpaths.
I wish you success in your efforts.
Yours,
MRS EILEEN FRANKLYN
15 May 2003
Finding a job after graduation: Dr Russ’ top tips for gaining employment
Just a few last minute tips collected from
throughout the year should you need them:
Finding vacancies Throughout the summer
we will be producing a weekly vacancies
bulletin. We would be delighted to mail
copies to you for a long as you want them;
all we need are the stamps to cover the cost
of the postage. We can also e-mail it to you.
Prospects Today, a vacancy bulletin which
Surrey graduates have used to good effect
in the past can also be mailed to you or you
could view the same vacancies on their
website at www.prospects.ac.uk.
Using recruitment agencies You
would be wise to at least consider using
agencies as part of your job search. Some
advertisements are placed by agencies
anyway so if you are interested in the job
on offer you will have no choice but to reply
through them. You can also use agencies in
a more deliberate way by contacting those
who you think might be helpful. There is a
website which lists them all according to the
region of the country in which they operate
and the types of vacancy which they handle
at www.rec.uk.com.
Networking Surrey graduates seem to be
good at this. It involves letting as many
people as possible know that you are job-
hunting. Some contacts are particularly
worth cultivating. Your Industrial Year
Tutor or Personal Tutor for example, may
receive calls from employers who want
to fill permanent positions. Friends who
are returning to or already working for an
employer may be able to advise you about
This is the word-crossing crossword
you’ll be pleased to hear it should be easier than last semester
PROFESSIONAL PAGE 11
unadvertised vacancies. the number of employers it is possible to secure funding even at this
Members of your family attending varying between late stage. One word of caution, however,
may either help you directly 30 and 150. For a complete try to give at least some thought to where
or know someone who can. guide to all of the Fairs, it might lead you. Course providers or
A good way to approach pick up Prospects Finalist Careers Services should be able to provide
people is to ask for their in the Careers Service from you with information about the destinations
advice. Most people love 21 May or check for details of previous students. You may find that the
giving you their opinions on the Prospects website course doesn’t lead in quite the direction
and their experience of DR RUSS CLARK w w w. p r o s p e c t s . a c . u k . you have in mind.
the job market can prove There won’t, unfortunately, Taking time out Every year about 30 or so
invaluable. be a fair at Surrey this Surrey graduates decide to do something
Writing speculatively “You may be in the position summer. different. Travel and/or voluntary or
Some graduates consider where you haven’t decided You’d be wise to treat temporary employment are the most popular
that writing to employers yet. The careers office can your conversations with alternatives. If you would like to check
in the hope that they have help you move on.” employers as if they were out some of the possibilities, the Careers
vacancies is a waste of time. first interviews. They are Service has a number of books which might
The evidence, though, is there to talent-spot so the help. Taking a Gap Year and International
entirely the opposite. Some employers don’t impression you make is critical. Take Voluntary Work are especially useful.
even bother to advertise their vacancies copies of your CV or completed Standard Using the Careers Service You may be
since they know they will always be able Application Form and keep a check list in in the position that you haven’t decided
to pick up good people from those who your head of the things you would regard what to do yet. In that case a chat with a
write on the off-chance. All you need to do as your major selling points, e.g. value Careers Adviser may help you to sort out
is to structure your CV in such a way that of degree, exam successes, relevant work your strengths, interests etc. and relate these
you appear to be tailor-made for the kind of experience and so on. Prepare to drop to suitable careers. We have a computer
position you have in mind. Add a persuasive these into the conversation at suitable which does roughly the same thing which
covering letter, spelling out your reasons for opportunities. you are welcome to try. We can also advise
writing and the particular strengths which Going on to postgraduate study It is still not you about application forms and interview
you would bring to the job, and an employer too late to secure a place on a postgraduate technique, CV preparation, choosing
is hard-pressed to put off seeing you. Even course, be it Certificate, Diploma, Masters or between options and so on.
if they don’t have immediate openings, they Doctorate. The key thing is to first identify We will be open throughout the summer
might put your letter on file. a suitable opportunity and then get in touch so you can get in touch anytime. You
Visiting Summer Fairs There are certain with the course provider at the earliest can ring 01483 689001 or e-mail
employers who hire all of their graduates opportunity. We have reference books in the careers@surrey.ac.uk if you’d prefer.
at the recruitment fairs which proliferate Careers Service such as Prospects Postgrad There is no charge and you can continue
throughout the country over the summer Directory, which will help you to identify using the Careers Service for as long as you
period. Most major cities have them with courses. Some will be full, but not all, and need to.
Keeping in touch with
Crikey, eh? The last ONCE YOU GRADUATE, the Surrey Alumni What do the Surrey Alumni Society do?
crossword of the year. Society will be the easiest way for you to We run the only Society that you can’t join
Obviously not the last keep in contact with the University and your until you leave the University! The Surrey
crossword anywhere friends. Therefore the more contact details Alumni Society is your graduate society – a
ever for the rest of we have for you, the more likely we will be bit of a cliché, I know, but it does explain
the year, but just in able to help you keep in touch with friends us pretty accurately! Once you leave Surrey,
barefacts is what we from Surrey. we become your main point of contact – we
meant. However, just your current University send you magazines, newsletters, organise
We happen to know email address is NOT enough – this will reunions, assist in networking opportunities
that a cheapo book- cease to function on the day you graduate, and a whole lot more!
shop halfway up the so we do need another email address –e.g.: a The Alumni Society was founded in 1988
High Street happen to hotmail or yahoo address. by Jane Cohen and is run by Amintha
do a very good cross-
What to do? Simply complete the reply Buckland, Mrs Cohen and were recently
word book that would
slip and return to Senate House reception joined by John Oldham who kindly performs
give you enough
– all new email addresses will be entered tricks with our database enabling us to keep
change from a fiver
for a coffee at any into a prize draw to win gift vouchers of in contact with our 27,000+ alumni!
of those little coffee your choice. The winner will be emailed For more information about us, have a look
shops, so if yuo’ve en- after graduation. Nothing could be more at our website at www.surrey.ac.uk/Alumni
joyed the crossword, simple! and look out for us at your graduation!
why not have a go and
see what happens?
Otherwise, just enjoy Surname: First name:
Surrey Alumni Society
your café latté and
move along onto other
types of puzzles. It is Department: URN:
certainly the case that
REPLY FORM
jigsaw puzzles have
become less popular Degree: Contact phone no:
over time (we blame
the internet) so why
not take a stand and E-mail address: Please return this form to
by one from the local
toy store. Yes, what a
(please check carefully) Senate House reception
good idea.

The future of civilisation is safe until
the matrix reloads
As the summer of blockbusters begins and
every respectable hero is out to save the
world, the Marvel comic-book characters
known as the X-Men pick up their book
of trusty superpowers and hit the streets
IT’S A RARE summer when mankind doesn’t
enter blockbuster season fearing for the
future of civilization.
Ironically, perhaps it’s because we fear for
the future of civilization on an altogether
different level that we might leave X2
with an up rush of hope, perhaps even a
thought or two that hasn’t been mercilessly
sucked away by a brain-damaged vortex
of overproduced nonsense - because the
filmmakers obviously share our fears and
only thinly try to disguise it.
Bryan Singer’s follow-up to X-Men is one
of those rare superior sequels - a dark, often
exhilarating and occasionally thoughtful
(shock) improvement on its portable
plastic predecessor. Marvel’s cult-ish saga
of mutants and their epic battle for a place
on Earth has spurred enough Internet chats
to stain 10 million keyboards with salted
peanut residue, but its 2000 screen treatment
was indistinguishable among the mind-
numbing glut of comic-book property that
morphed into effects extravaganzas that
summer: visually arresting, but instantly
forgettable - the Spider-Man of its year,
minus the $400 million gross take at the
box office.
The sequel is a big-budget fantasy popcorn
epic with all the surface genre elements that
helped the original rake in the dough: eye-
popping effects, plausible impossibility and
all the necessary carnage to appeal to the
30-second attention span. But even with a
bigger budget, the onus of “summer sequel”
and CGI galore effects, X2 distinguishes
itself with attention to characters, allowing
them to deepen and grow more complex
over time, and with a palpable undercurrent
of seriousness hiding in plain sight that
“X2 is the film worth
remembering from the
Marvel universe. It does
exactly what a spider can
do, only it does it much
better and lasts longer.”
couldn’t be more prescient - or welcome -
at a time of year when we go to the movies
expecting to shift our brains in neutral.
In the first film, Professor Xavier (Patrick
Stewart) and his “School for Gifted
Youngsters” - a safe haven for “mutants,”
or humans imbued with extraordinary
abilities who are feared and loathed by their
“normal” counterparts - faced the double-
barreled nemesis of evil mutant counterparts
led by Magneto (Ian McKellen) and the
impending legislation of the Registration
Act, requiring all mutants to be entered
into a centralized government database and
ruthlessly scrutinised. This time, Magneto’s
locked away in a specially constructed
plastic prison but the other Big Bad still
looms; in the opening narration, Xavier
solemnly intones: “Sharing the world has
never been humanity’s defining attribute.
In an obvious parallel to the debate over the
Homeland Security Act currently running in
the US (which concerns Big Brother tactics
on a new level altogether and happened to
hit the House floor almost simultaneously
with the start of production on the film),
new mutant Nightcrawler (Alan Cumming)
attacks the U.S. President (Cotter Smith)
and devastates the Secret Service with his
kamikaze ability to vaporise and materialise
at will, spurring the president to call in
avowed mutant hunter Stryker (Brian Cox,
reeking evil) and grant him sweeping
MUSIC
three pages of music
pass before you in a
blur. that might be
lost on you as a joke
until page 21.
9.8 for dismount: Hugh Jackman as the troubled Wolverine showing off his gymnastics skills.
authority to seek out and contain “the mutant
problem.”
The mutants already have their problems:
the introduction of impulsive teens Pyro
(Aaron Stanford) and Ice-man (Shawn
Ashmore), the ongoing struggle of Rogue
(Anna Paquin) to keep from sucking the
energy from anyone she touches, and the
chain-smoking surliness of Wolverine
(Hugh Jackman) - who discovers Stryker
may play a role in his origin and hold clues
to his identity.
Singer takes an eternity to get moving until
he finally delivers the goods in the film’s best
sustained sequence: a tense, exhilarating
raid on Xavier’s school by Stryker and his
commando team, which allows Wolverine
to unleash his alcoholic, action-hero id as
he skewers no less than a dozen baddies
in bloodless but brutal violence that earns
the film its BBFC rating. And we root for
him, knowing the goons he’s dispatching are
“authority figures,” but reveling in his sense
of righteous carnage just as we cheered on
Arnold Schwarzenegger in “Terminator 2.”
Singer and his writers fill the quotient for
fan folklore with the innumerable subplots
and sketchy gists here and there, eventually
throwing so many ingredients into the stew
there’s no hope of resolving all the dangling
story threads - including Wolverine’s
stubborn sexual tension with Dr. Jean Grey
(Famke Janssen) and the appearance of
LITERATURE
always treading on
the side of urgency, bf
wonders whether the
new age heralds the
end for books
www.imdb.com
Senator Robert Kelly (Bruce Davison), a
key villain last time who shows up to make
vague threats before disappearing.
Singer (a veteran of convoluted narratives
from “The Usual Suspects”) bites off a
healthier chunk than he can possibly chew
in 134 minutes (even while arcing toward
an inevitable third installment), but all this
is forgivable, as he’s trying to offer us more
instead of less. As if he realised this – the
result of the film and what it has to say
supercede the junked-up relationships that
fuel the saga’s fan fiction, leaving the fan
fiction on the cutting-room floor.
Even with Stewart telepathically
communicating his role while strapped to the
“Cerebro” device and McKellen assigned to
droll commentary save one clever removal
of a prison guard (magnetizing the iron in
his blood and molding it into bullets), Singer
draws excellence across the board from his
overstuffed, overqualified cast - all of whom
(especially Jackman and the strangely
affecting, deeply religious Cumming, a nice
addition to the cast) know when it’s time to
remove tongue from cheek and go to work.
As such, then, X2 is the film worth
remembering from the Marvel universe. It
does whatever a spider can, does it better
and will ultimately survive long enough to
deserve a third outing that is as necessary to
the first two films as the Matrix Revolutions
will be in November.
15 May 2003
School’s out: summer viewing
A spare fiver in your pocket and the realisation that
the summer is your own following the sad passing
of our dearly-beloved exams. Film editor Jolyon
Hunter says it’s time for the credits to roll and
brings you a guide to upcoming films
OK SO I just sat through a programming
exam, which, ya know, I don’t really know
how well I did but in the grand scale of
things it doesn’t really matter. Which means
it must be exam week. Which means this is
the final barefacts of the semester. Which
ALSO means… SUMMER! So what better
way to spend those rainy days this summer
than checking out the latest and greatest
releases designed to fulfil our popcorn
munching tendencies – of course, in the
interests of fair an balanced journalism,
the contents of this article will be mostly
Hollywood productions… but I’ll try and
point out a couple of good distractions on
the way.
So where do we start? No time like the
present – released last
week was the comic-
book sequel X-2 which
“And then there’s
provided us with a great the big film - Piglet’s
start to blockbuster
season. It’s a lot better Big Movie - following
than the first film,
and stands up well as
the drama in 100-
an individual film let acre wood when
alone a sequel. Worth
a look for decent story, the little chap goes
characters, and some
great SFX and action
missing. Apparently
sequences. But after the gunfight se-
these weeks of stressing
about coursework and quence is amazing.”
exams, what could
possibly revive our tired souls? I’d say The
Matrix: Reloaded might be a fair bet – this
huuuuugely anticipated sequel looks like
being one of the most successful films of all
time, and by the time it gets released here
(23rd May) the hype will be even higher after
a week on release in the US. All the articles
and trailers floating around tend to indicate
that they’ve got the mix spot-on where they
could’ve gone so wrong… you’ll see it
eventually, so why not check it out sooner
rather than later.
FILM
So if you had $200million what would you
spend it on? Well someone at Warner Bros.
thought another Terminator movie would be
a great idea, they just failed to get James
Cameron on board (there’s a Titanic joke
in there somewhere)… So U-571 director
Jonathan Mostow handled Terminator 3:
Rise of the Machines. It should be great
eye-candy, and you’d hope with that kinda
budget they would be able to afford a
decent script so watch out… Arnie’s back
with a nimble female Terminator (the T-X)
on August 1st in the UK. Speaking of eye-
candy, there’s lots more (for the lads) in the
form of Lucy Liu, Cameron Diaz and Drew
Barrymore in Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle
on 4th July and (for the ladies) Heath Ledger
and Wes Bentley in The
Four Feathers on 13th
June – can’t speak for
the latter, but Charlie’s
Angels 2 looks like a lot
of fun.
If it’s fun you want, you
could do a lot worse than
check out upcoming
films such as The Hulk
(18th July starring
Jennifer Connelly
– better hope she don’t
piss him off!), 2 Fast 2
Furious (20th June - the
sequel sadly sans-Vin
Diesel), and of course
the sequel to the sleeper video-hit Bad
Boys II (Sometime in August, Will "I don’t
need to work" Smith and Martin Lawrence
in the same film role he’s played since the
original). Speaking of typecasting, if you
like Dr. Dolittle and The Nutty Professor
then you’ll probably dig the latest Eddie
Murphy vehicle Daddy Day Care, released
on 11th July.
Leading nicely on from two actors who
play the same role in practically every
movie they make, is… another actor who
plays the same role in every movie he makes.
This time I’m talking about Adam Sandler,
and because of my soft spot for Happy
Gilmore ("the price is wrong bitch!") I’ll
probably go see Anger Management when
it comes out on 6th June – it also stars Jack
Nicholson, and he does comedy extremely
well so it’s likely that the film will be more
Happy Gilmour than Little Nicky. He may
be just a big kid, but the guy commands
$20million+ every time… respect to that.
For the other big kids among us, it might
be worth looking up Spy Kids 3 on 25th July
(now a successful franchise for Desperado
director Robert Roderiguez… just wait til
Tarantino co-writes Spy Kids 4 mwahahaha)
and of course there’s the big one….. Piglet’s
Big Movie on July 18th – follow the drama
in hundred-acre wood when Piglet goes
AWOL. Apparently the gunfight sequence
is amazing...
More fun and frolics can be found with
Reese Witherspoon in Legally Blonde 2:
Red, White and Blonde – ok I admit it, the
first one was pretty good – so check it out for
some harmless fluff. Speaking of fluff, some
braniac decided to remake The Italian Job
with Marky Mark Walberg in the lead role
– sounds really bad I know, but the trailer
looked OK-ish, I just hope they don’t try to
make it too much like the original. We’ll be
able to find out sometime in August. Perhaps
the most shocking news of the summer is the
release date for Tomb Raider 2, otherwise
known as Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The
Cradle of Life – US audiences get to see it
on the 27th July, whereas we have to wait til
August 22nd to see the lovely Ms. Jolie toting
her weapons across the globe in search of
sacred artefacts. Ah well, it should be worth
the wait.
Of course, there’s bound to be few really
*sucky* movies this summer, and the early
indications are that feardotcom (just read
the name, I mean puh-rrr-leaase), Kangaroo
Jack (starring Jerry "I’m the kid from Sliders,
WILL WORK FOR FOOD" O’Connell) and
Dumb and Dumberer (the prequel to Dumb
and Dumber) are all movies to avoid.
If comic-book superheroes and stylised
violence are not your style, how about
checking some of the following films out
– they might be lost among the bigger
blockbusters, but keep an eye out for ‘em.
One for the boys: Charlie’s Angels (top) act all but angelic, we imagine, in the follow-up to the original, unlike
Piglet (above) who is always wonderful. Heath Ledger (far left) and Angelina Jolie getting all pouty. imdb.com
13
From Japan come two films from two of the
best (recent) directors out of that country
– first Dolls (13th June) from Takeshi Kitano
(more famous for blood-fests Battle Royale
and Brother) – the film tells three interwoven
stories about never-ending love, and is
supposedly his best film to date. The other
is from Ringu director Hideo Nakata and is
called Dark Water (actual title: "Honogurai
mizu no soko kara") and is a chiller in a
similar vein to Ringu – incidentally, my
personal opinion is that The Ring (the US
remake) is a better film, and you should
definitely rent that if you don’t fancy any
of the films mentioned here. Back in the
realms of Hollywood, we have Identity
starring Ray Liotta, John Cusack and Clea
DuVall – directed by James Mangold (Girl
Interrupted, Copland) this thriller looks
like a good film to mess with your head.
Speaking of kooky, those Coen Brothers
(Fargo, Blood Simple) are back this summer
with George Clooney and Catherine Zeta-
Jones in Intolerable Cruelty – a screwball
romantic comedy of sorts, which will be no
doubt worth a look (released pencilled-in as
June).
So that’s it, these are just a few of the
movies to look out for, there’s probably
more which will surprise and delight us and
the best way to find out is just to go along
and see for yourselves.
DISCLAIMER: At least some of these films
will be complete pants. Sorry.
On a final note, congratulations to everyone
I know who’s graduating along with me this
summer - we made it! Four incredible years,
no regrets. To the rest of you, whoever you
are – good luck, good health and be sure to
take regular breaks from studying to catch a
movie now and again…
Oh and try listening to Dave Matthews
Band. They’re good.
And like that *fwoof*… he’s gone.
14 MUSIC 15 May 2003

NEED ONE
MARTINA TOPLEY-BIRD |
INDEPENDIENTE
You may recognise Martina’s
voice, as she did a lot of work
with Tricky during the 90’s. With
churning guitars provided by Josh
Homme, and backing vocals by
Mark Lanegan, both from Queens
of the Stone Age, she seems to
have found an excellent foil for
her delicious bluesy vocals. eight
| j.a.

BURIED ALIVE BY LOVE

HIM | BMG
singles
THRASHED
Finnish group HIM seems to
SKIN | EMI
be best described by their new
The event that’s been on the cards
album title, Love Metal. It’s
since Skunk Anansie’s demise
got your average rock/metal
and her single with Maxim has
sensibilities but in the vocals
arrived. Former front woman
and in the background an almost
Skin has turned in a solo effort. In
ballad-like entity lurks. This
a way similar to Skunk Anansie’s
element also shows it’s face in
softer moments and in a way very
the little deviations through out
different, the song has power
the track. It rocks along and the
without ever being violent about
song wears a fairly big booted
it. The song’s okay and the tune
riff on it’s feet and posses a
sounds very familiar to something
nice little solo; which is always
I’ve heard before... four | n.b.
welcome. six and a half | n.b.

WATCHING THE SUN COME UP INSIDE OF LOVE

ED HARCOURT | HEAVENLY
Whereas Ben Folds’ ability to play piano rivals that of Rachmaninov on
speed, Ed Harcourt finds himself more in the Grade 3, block chords and
one-fingered approach to tickling the ivories and as a result, his songs
all are much of a muchness, really. Watching the Sun Comes Up would
suggest that Harcourt has run out of ideas both lyrically and musically
and that any transition to future successes would have to be built on
piano lessons and plenty of scales practise. four | r.w.
HELP ME BREATHE
MUNKSTER | TOAST RECORDS
Help Me Breathe’s opening
riffs blossoms with ‘Police’
influenced guitar work is a sheer
joy with Seb’s complimentary
vocals giving the track a cutting
edge. This London four piece
have interesting melodies and
a distinctive sound making
‘Munkster’ definitely one to watch
in the future. seven | m.b.
WHY CAN’T I BE YOU?
SHED SEVEN | TASTE
Fresh from a seven-date stint at
London’s Barfly, ‘Shed Seven’
unleash energetic Why I Can’t Be
You? with trademark sound and
Rik’s Brit Pop vocals. Including
everything you expect from the
once darlings of Indie, showing
signs there at last back to their
best. seven (of course) | m.b.
GET BUSY
SEAN PAUL | ATLANTIC RECORDS
The fantastically catchy Get
Busy is a definitive grinder with
Sean Paul’s Ragga vocals and
irresistible seductive undertones
making you ‘Shake That Thing’
and ‘Get It On’. A refreshing
style unlike the normal single
format has it all, shake-ability,
catchy lyrics that’s delivered with
real attitude. eight | m.b.
NADA SURF | HEAVENLY
Without really realising it, Nada
Surf seemed to have punctured
the nation’s consciousness
with this track that will have
everyone trying to remind their
mates how it goes: “You know,
it’s that, I want to know what
it’s like on the inside of love.
Sounds a bit like Idlewild only
much better and much more
inspired.” It’s a fair result for
the lads that brought us Popular
back when we were all forlorn
teenagers and will help with the
odd unrequited love situation
here and there. seven | r.w.
ANCHOR
CAVE IN | RCA
I remember people kicking up
a fuss about this Boston four
piece early last year and they
seem to be going from strength
to strength. The song sounds
like a slightly more metal,
more juvenile Queens of the
Stone Age and this not a bad
thing at all. It moves along
at a fairly steady pace and
carries the same kind of arid,
open highway feeling. Think
Monsters In The Parasol with a
fresh-faced attitude. six and a
half | n.b.
15 May 2003
LUXEMBOURG
THE BLUETONES | SUPERIOR
QUALITY RECORDINGS
After three years out, The
Bluetones have returned with
an album to satisfy the needs
of any self respecting mid 90’s
indy fans. It has quite a raw feel
to it, as opposed to the warmer
sounds of their previous albums.
Their trademark style, however,
is retained due to Mark
Morriss’s distinctive vocals.
The album is opened with Here
it Comes Again which is a
stripped back, powerful blast of
a tune. This is swiftly followed
by the two songs featured on
their latest double A-side single,
Fast Boy and Liquid Lips. Once
these have passed, the album
continues in a similar vein,
through slightly slower track
Never Going Nowhere and
happy-clappy romp Code Blue.
Overall, they have returned with
an album that moves on, but still
keeps with an established and
very popular style. eight | j.a.
SOMETHING DANGEROUS
NATACHA ATLAS | MANTRA
The unmistakable Natacha
Atlas returns with ‘Something
Dangerous’ using Middle
Eastern influences with Western
smoothness. Combining many
genres and cultures Natacha
documents an array of musical
styles in this ambitious album.
Opener Adam’s Lullaby focuses
on the beauty of Atlas’s eastern
influenced vocals laid over
atmospheric string composed into
a masterpiece of breathtaking
proportions. With ambition
aplenty this LP aims to push
the barriers with a mixed result
but when it works the benefits
are reaped, Eye Of The Duck
and Janamaan. Even the James
Brown classic It’s A Man’s Man’s
Man’s World does not escape
a transformation with more
exquisite vocals rounding off a
Rolla coaster album with great
highs and sadly too many lows.
six | m.b.
MUSIC
REMIXOLOGY
VARIOUS | FAMILY RECORDINGS
This compilation features full
length mixes of 90’s ‘House
Classics’ offering an array of
up tempo full on tunes, and the
bizarre inclusion of Rollo’s mix
of The Cardigans My Favourite
Game. Classic, Josh Winks
Higher States of Consciousness
and Todd Terry’s Something’s
Going On live up to the billing
with comprehensive mixes
biging up the original. The
unquestionable highlight
comes from non other than Fat
Boy Slim’s thumping mix of
Wildchild’s Renegade Master
thats truly awesome. An essential
collection may be stretching the
mark as many of these tracks are
doing the rounds, the so-called
rarity is undoubtedly aimed at the
discerning DJ and hardcore house
fanatic. six | m.b.
15
al-
bums*
DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
THE DIPLOMATS | ROC-A-FELLA
RECORDS
At my first listen of this 2 disc
set, I flicked through trying to find
some original stuff, and found
the odd bit after wading through
a lot of generic hip-hop and R&B
tunes. The Diplomats are very
dependent on samples, using
three different O’Jays samples
in the first few tracks, along with
Lionel Richie, Marvin Gaye and
many others. The real centre piece
sample has to be Built This City
which uses, yes you’ve guessed it,
Starship’s soft rock 80’s anthem
We Built This City. It’s quite
unexpected, but sounds pretty
good. Otherwise, very little stands
out. Really good hip-hop should
appeal to a majority across a
range of musical tastes, but I can’t
see this doing that. six | j.a.

ELECTRIC VERSION
THE NEW PORNOGRAPHERS |
MATADOR
To put it simply, here we have
an album of good-natured
Canadian power-pop, sort of
like North American indie-fied
BLACKMARKET BOY
version of Bis. The songs are all
FALLACY | VIRGIN
accompanied by varying keyboard
You may have read my Diplomats review elsewhere in these pages,
sounds and are spilling over with
and therefore you may know that I like to hear originality in hip-
tambourine and handclaps while
hop. Well this album from Brixton-born Daniel Fahey has it. Square
the guitars move along at their
Beamer sounds like somebody rapping over Aphex Twin’s plinky
own, often ambling, pace. All the
electronic madness, and tracks produced by Roni Size, Shy FX and T
songs have the same summery
Power have huge drum and bass beats, including Scrunch and a remix
feel, but sometimes the odd song
of The Groundbreaker. So it’s different, but is it good? Again this is an
sounds slightly different from
album that will appeal to fans of the UK urban scene, with its hip-hop
the pack, e.g. song All For Swing
and garage undertones. It’s alright, nothing special. six | j.a.
You Around has a rockier sound
than the most but carries the same
all words by the very excel- summery vocal drive of all the
lent music team who are: songs. While The New Face of
al read | andrew malek Zero and One has an opening
simon robinson | anna wheeler taken straight from Adam Ant,
jonathan darzi | matty b which carries on into the song.
anthos chrysanthou
Some may think it ‘sounds lush’
jonathan howel l terje tjervaag
jon allen | nick clancy but personally I’m not one of
neil boulton | stu bryce them. three | n.b.
16
AQA: Sunk. Real Wages: Deflated. Sparkies:
Burnt Up. Bill Gates: Sent Crashing
stroke it once its ok, stroke it twice its fine, stroke
it three times & its playing with yourself man. 4
House 51!!!
A word to the wise: Stealing people’s post is a
criminal offence. You know who you are.
i want union member
to all my mateys – thanks for being great and for
all the mad and fun times we’ve had at uni. good
luck in all that’s to come. love you loads. cakes x
ledies end gentlemen......the iiissssuuueeee
desk!!!!!!!!!
I would like to invite you to the wedding of
Monica and Ben... Fri 16th May, Saville court.
What on earth was The Don doing with Timmy
Mallet in the disabled toilets on friday night?!
The Don is a sex pest!
Is there any future in the Guildford Park Ave -
Upperton road romance!!!!!! A new love interest!!
Arvind, if you want to pull the rule is dont corner
lesbians
evan you have been a naughty boy havent you! ps
you are a crap liar :)
Are we going to see a reinactment of Friday night?
Monica may be on form again next week!
Drugs are great! Take more drugs, kids! They help
you chat up lesbians!!!
monica... put ur baps away!!!!!!!!!
vacants in demand u better hurry
there’s no excuse for the addidas stripes
Kris stop being a sex pest
its the end of an era...
will monica have Ben’s babies...
will the rugby team ever win...
who will attend to the rugby boys needs when
monica leaves...
will we ever hit the bullseye with our target pulls...
School Disco & other union pictures on
www.geocities.com/ussunightsout
Do I want to spank you? Hell yeah!
I will really miss you over summer babe!
To the person who handed my lost mobile into
security last wednesday, thanks for not stealing
it!!!
FAO: All Staff members within the Library
who are over 40: F#&K OFF. Find a job other
than harassing me...bloddy jobs -worths.
ARRRGGGHHH
hey lingling, when are you gonna ask mr.c out???
Alex....have monkeys ever really been cool...lets
be totally honest??
wot goes black white,black white?......a gooseberry
in a lift!funny hey dan!!!
Did I do well Edward? You did beautifully Tubbs!
I’ve got Cheeese!
Y I Man!!!!
cleaners needed-38 rec road good rates of pay
There is only one true football trophy at Unis.
Lunchtime 5 aside is for girls
Anyone got a spare trophy cabinet?
PERSONALS
Text “LMS” to 5-1 6-2 1-1 1-0 1-0
Last Minute Specialists: Varsity 6 aside champions
2003
Last Minute Specialists: Varsity 6 aside champions
2003
How are you all doing over there in Chancellors
?? !!
Just a little surprise to say G’day from Down
Under, love to you all, Miss your cooking !!!
Belinda xxxx
dont worry phil, it’s just a film. those scary aliens
don’t really exist. no phil... don’t cry... phil....
X-Men 3 starts shooting next Summer. Staring
Simon as “Nipple-rine”. Watch him fight
wolverine’s claws with his razor sharp women’s
nipples.
To christies friend, Michelle, hello. Nice to meet
new people, next time maybe youll remember
talking to me from Spike
Ah, Christie i missed you over the holidays, your
radiant smile, your luvely butt and that little dress!
du’ ohhh...come on (nig 4 kippy)
hey lea, u never thought therd b one 4 u did ya. we
say go bible bashers, but not in our face.
ash = ungay. west-side.
Hockey club AGM saturday week 14 at 6.30 in
the Varsity
Mandy don’t you think you should start acting in a
manner that is appropriate to you new position?
SB go on admit you love SPi
Mandy - there are so many boys out there but
somehow there are none left?!
Jenny step away from the dildo!!!
Has he said he loves you yet?
Monica its time you settled down and had those
b.babies.
You know it will drop off at the rate you are
going!!
Scoot is cute la la la !!!
rachael told me to put nothing. so i put it in
mousey hair rachel i love you x
to all prank callers i hope u contract SARS or some
other deadly disease cos im tryna catch me some
sleep!!!by the way ur mom whoever it is. MK
to all ma library crew i love u loads and i jus wana
thank u guys cos u mean the world 2 me..floor 4
all the way..
alfie, Charlie Tang & Slater get a life u bunch of
losers.see more of the day and get out of each
others arses!!!!
people lets get sum good music upstairs at least 4
the next few weeks and lose that cheese monger of
a dj.from Dj Scratch and Sniff
to kinky and sexy if u need help bringin da ‘Hole’
bck 2 life then there are a few willing candidates
willing to roll their sleeves up and get stuck in for
the cause..much luv
I love u Gemeni and i wanna breed u soon..i love
you................Abdul
2 fat ass on my floor who threw all my kitchen
utensils away,and those who chose 2 affiliate with
him be careful,very careful next time u drink ur
apple juice!!!!
jus wanna say its good 2 be back!! G.G.g.ggg
uuniiit up in da place...
There is a german verse in 99 red balloons, or
at least in the version i’ve got, get a hold of the
version by goldfinger
Mullet fucks ducks
Help!! im lonely and need release
Big up for A.C’s blub-blub!
eddyteddy we love you...yes we do!
Kate has the bum of Kylie!...oh and nice stripy
knickers girl!!!!
“tall boys have small willys”-what does that say
about you ed?
Would like Mrs Peaw Peaw for making him VERY
happy. Spasibo Malishka ;-)
I’m really looking forward to going home for the
weekend
To Mia and Lynette....get a life!!!
Hello to all those placement year
students...especially the lucky bastards in
BOSTON!!!!
WARNING: party boys running riot on wells 4
We\’re not perverts, all we wanted was some
cheese!
Well done Miss “Nails off” Elena. I hope you’ll
win the match against Birmingham and be in
Barefact again. One last thing, what will you pull
off if you win?
Hey u razzler-dazzler! Remember, u can’t b
responsible 4 your actions - he had it comin’! Luv
ya xx
wanted a black satin thong with a lil bow...last seen
with a huge bulge inside...do you know where it is
Ganesh?
Ops!....we never managed to use the haagen daaz
as planned...fancy letting me lick it all off...?
eh,seniorita,lo siento!el vaso estaba en el suelo!!
lo siento!
hey spanish girl!! If we put all the kinder buenos
together in the world, they’d never be as sweet as
you! x
Oi Webbie!! Hope u get better soon, we want our
sexy man back! x
Hey Spaniard - You are kidnapped by me!
btw AD did i mention that u SO look good in a
thong!-LMAO!!!
Im missing you shitloads you GIMP!!
2 my bitches,boys & everyone involved-cheers
4 making my birthday wicked.loadsa luv,hugs &
kisses kinky kateXXX
Dancers wanted to lap-dance for Vikki and
Ed....and for Vikki to abuse! Previous applicants
need not come back....Fair play!!!!
I just love track ten (cue spontaneous ejaculation
in shreddies)
Dave does the dinghy- leading contender for photo
of the year
I would just like to dedicate ‘your song’ by Elton
John to my boyfriend who I love very much. I love
you more. No! I love you more! No I love you
more....
JULIE we love ya mom. although uncle ollie has
let one off again!!
Monkey Boy, It’s all over now, the cave is waiting
for you...enjoy xxx
15 May 2003
Steve, well done for pushing the limits of
human stupidity one step further last thursday,
get well soon mate
what the fuck is that? ad infinitum
We can be the bun, and you can be the burger
girl, I know you wanna do it, and we can make
sandwiches
Finger her on a ferry or no ball - you decide
Chesney and Arthur up a tree _ _ _ _ _ _ _
That velvet suit must reek- you wore it for a full
week and prob in bed as well
That silver Micra’s in frighteningly good nick
considering all the abuse it’s received
what’s the chance of setting up a bukkake party
soc?
Does anyone else think Judge Mental looks like a
badly drawn cartoon character?
By my current calculations, Ben Mac should be
just about ready to draw his ussu pension
Well Done on winning Jon! Have fun in the
clubbiest place around!!! ;)
Hey, Mr.C from Economics! L fancys you BIG
time!
sweetie, you drink too much water! how many
bottles of evian per week?
bet u haven’t been given head that big in a long
time jonah!!!!
don’t be a les quite so often ok?!?
long dog, long dog, long dog!
TIMMY : to all the girls at house 51, its pay back
time! make sure your doors are locked!!!
GO UGLY PHYSICS GUY!!!! I saw you at band
night and you’ve finally got a new girlfriend. Good
on you. Just dont try and shave the beard off again,
it doesnt work
Lunchtime 5 aside is the worthington cup of
InterDepartmental Footie
Bug... Mink... Bug... Mink... Bug... Mink... Bug...
Mink... Bug... Mink... Bug... Mink... Bug...
.....and not forgetting BAA! (I’m feeling sheepish)
Recess, i am sure if you try a little harder you can
put more than just your foot in it!!
Mullet and Funhouse - well done on surviving a
night at the union!
NO! You can’t go in the ladies to get your hat
back!
Welcome to another weekend of Doom for the
Hockey club!
Keep up the romance in house 52!!!!!!!
In the jungle, the FREAKY jungle, de de de de de
da!! OOOOOOH!!AAAAAAAH!!
It’s all wrong!!!!! It’s getting there
Chopper’s is the most pathetic
Spice Girls my arse! It was S Club I tell you!
Sorry was I wrong again?!
Bungalow needed for two students who can’t
handle stairs!!
Nicki, Helen and Martin...nice little love triangle
you’ve got going there!
stop eating our fecking electricity. the excuses are
lame
15 May 2003
O early stuff – they should have
DAMIEN RICE | DRM
Would comparisons to David
Gray be the easy way out for
a reviewer that couldn’t take
any more whining and dying
from this excessively earthy
(the album sleeve is printed on
recycled board), self-important,
self-conscious effort? Perhaps
so, but Damien Rice’s voice
has so much of that is-he-
Irish-or-is-he-faking-it quality
to it that it would be unwise
to say otherwise. The songs
themselves are pretty naff
and would appeal, I imagine,
to those introspective types
that feel finally someone
else understands how they
are feeling and are fortunate/
talented enough to be able
to articulate it, thus only
compounding their misery. The
misery, unfortunately, is all ours.
two | r.w.
MUSIC
Coxon this Coxon that, who gives
a funk? He only contributed one
riff to Think Tank anyway. Simon
Tong (ex-Verve) has replaced
Coxon in a tit-for-twat swap.
I don’t like the old Blur sound
so consequently couldn’t give a
toss; I prefer the more cultured
sounds of songs like Ambulance
and Out of Time. They opened
with the blistering Ambulance
which more than lived up to my
expectations. Regrettably A wild
bass line tragically destroyed
Out of Time’s clever subtlety.
their lead-singer developed
a political conscience
after courting the PM whilst
leaving the brains behind
the songs to fester in his
own alcohol-induced stink.
can blur still cut it without
their main ideas man?
perhaps it’s a case of getting
wiser with age
Unfortunately all sense of
continuity was wrecked after half
an hour by the utterly different
played 45 minutes of new and
then 45 of old it would’ve made
more sense. Ambulance aside
Crazy Beat was the highlight,
it’s computer burps and depraved
screams worked perfectly live.
Song 2 kept the thirty something
timewarpers happy but bored
the tits off everyone else. The
theme for Think Tank is Morocco
(basically Damon gets to carry on
the ‘world music’ thing). There
weren’t much Gorillaz flavour;
Albarn has saved all his charty
stuff for 2D and co. Talking of
gigs
17
Gorillaz the Blur aesthetic
could be improved by putting
one of those shadowy screens
in front of Simon Tong - geek.
I loved the PowerPoint slide
backgrounds that ran through
the new songs. They were
meant to transport the crowd to
beautiful Morocco – are they
taking the piss? This coupled
with Alex James’s smug grin
reminded me (painfully) why
I’d never been to Blur gig
before. It was a good night
and all but the new stuff
was made for CD
and the old stuff
is well…old!
Alex Read

LATENIGHTTALES
NIGHTMARES ON WAX
Reviewed a few compilations
of this type before, generally
the artist picks a few good
tunes mixes them and then
disappears up his own arse (see
also the Badmeaningood series).
Like N.O.W himself soul,
hip-hop and electro heavily
influence this compilation so
if you get all that you’ll like
this? There are bits of Dusty
DREAMS OF WAKING Springfield (Spooky) and lumps
KICKS JOY DARKNESS of Ian Brown circa Music of the
Son of Andrew Birkin (who I read about in the Saturday Telegraph), Spheres. Musical jack in the
Anno and his band Kicks Joy Darkness throw easy iridescent shapes box Damon Albarn appears in a
from the ghost of Jeff Buckley past. The story surrounding this pre-Gorrilaz manifestation. The
band transcends the pages of Barefacts and I couldn’t do it justice. rest is more obscure but equally
Ultraviolence opens and shocks with otherworldly ambience and interesting. Meant to reflect
sporadic musical assaults –I felt like I’d been kissed and then punched the compiler’s background
in the ear in the space of thirty seconds! Nero’s New Bathroom single and taste, this mix CD acts as
handily retires everything you’ve heard this year despite weighing in at a blissful advertisement for
a monster eight and a half minutes. The live tracks only highlight the Nightmares on Wax. Buster
need for this band to have recorded more. Skipping from track to track ragwan - flip this on and educate
it’s impossible to retire this record. It combines inventiveness and clever your musical subordinates.
writing with wonderful melancholy. eight | a.r. seven | a.r.
15 May 2003 THEATRE & LITERATURE 19

“In the morning, glad, I see/My foe outstretched beneath the tree.” When William Blake
(right) wrote those words in 1794, little did he realise he might be talking about his very
own art and its possible demise. Literature editor Chris Ward wonders

Is literature dead?
and offers the casual reader some solace beyond GCSE set-texts and the internet

IN A MODERN age, is there any room for
literary fiction? This is a question I
am often faced with whilst analysing
literature for articles. Does anybody
have time anymore to sit down with a
“good book”, or do more entertaining
forms of leisure now overshadow
this tradition? The internet, cinema,
television, etc. are all seemingly pushing
fiction literature to the back of the pile.
How do I know this? Because a few
years ago I didn’t read a thing. Until
I started my literature course I found
books to be a waste of time when we
have a cinematic visual representation.
It was only when I started reading that
I realised how much power an abstract
idea can have when your mind forms a
vision from the words being read, rather
than having the vision formed for you.
Many argue that literature has lost
all value, particularly pre-20th century
literature, which was written within
a different time period with different
socio-political situations and problems.
Shakespeare, for example, did not
have social situations such as internet
child pornography to write about. The
mechanisms that we have now in our
media and in terms of communication
are clearly very different from those
in Shakespearean times. So how can
Shakespeare be relevant still? How can
such an old piece of literature
“Many argue that literature has lost its value and
is no longer current. Shakespeare, for example,
would not know how to deal child pornography.”
withstand the test of time? Surely the
archaism of the style is reflected also in
the relevance of the text?
Well, it is certainly true that the
language of Shakespeare may often
be difficult to comprehend. But in
studying literature, we are obliged to
explore underlying meanings. This can
be a difficult concept to understand, but
it simply involves analysing the text,
and deducting all the different ways
readers can interpret it. By deducting
a universal truth, you can see that this
problem exists, but in many different
situations. For all the scientists out
there, it is almost entirely analogous
to a function in mathematics or
programming, but the parameters are
the thoughts, experiences, and terms
of the reader. The output is a product
of all of these, thus allowing him/her
to structure it more individually in the
mind. Take this for example:
She only said, “My life is dreary,
He cometh not,” she said;
She said, “I am aweary, aweary,
I would that I were dead!”
This is taken from Mariana by Alfred,
Lord Tennyson. The poem is about a
lady waiting forever for her loved one,
who never comes. From a universal
perspective, you could ask yourself
this question. Has there ever been
something you have longed for that
never seems to be within reach? This
doesn’t have to be about love, it can be
about anything desired. Here the reader
can associate with Mariana in any way,
because we all have something that
we most desire that we can’t have…
don’t we? Therefore, literature that is
universal can withstand the test of time,
because many universal concepts never
go away whilst humanity is still around.
For example, social corruption, love,
jealousy, desire, etc.
This, of course, is in terms of literary
fiction, and does not encompass any
other genre. However, it is important to
acknowledge the value that other types
of fiction can possess. Harry Potter, for
example, will never win the Booker
Prize, but it seems to have engaged the
imagination of adults and children alike.
This could possibly be interpreted as the
literature probing a need of the reader,
such as the longing to be in a magical
place, rather than the cold harsh world
of reality. Unfortunately, however,
there are some “wannabes” that try their
best to employ literary techniques, yet
fail miserably. I highly recommend any
Jeffrey Archer novel for those studying
literature, as they are definitive guides
of what not to do. His failed authorial
techniques expose the techniques that
many writers use, but they pull it off
so well that you don’t notice they have
used them. Whereas, in an Archer
novel, they stick out like a sore thumb.
We are now in a period of modern
(maybe post-modern – we haven’t quite
decided yet) literature, where anything
seems to go. Satire novels that blast
through taboo are being churned out
all the time, as well as plays that defy
convention. Brecht has had a lasting
effect on much of today’s drama
figures, such as Stephen Berkoff, John
Godber, and Joan Littlewood. Three
playwrights that have employed the
juxtaposition of comedy and tragedy
to achieve an engaging effect from
the audience. In literary fiction, the
likes of George Orwell’s 1984 and Iain
Banks’ The Wasp Factory have shocked
literature circles around the globe.
The arts have certainly jumped on the
contemporary bandwagon, and have
followed a political pursuit, exposing
vice and folly in society.
This brings us back to today. Is the
fiction novel a thing that only literature
scholars read? Or can anyone indulge in
the universal diversity that is literature?
What do you think? Answers on a
postcard. If you don’t ever read, why
not try it sometime? You might find a
novel to your taste… one that isn’t a
Below: Dawn
boring pile of crap like the ones they French with her
choose for GCSE examinations. Is sidekick Jennifer
literature dead? I doubt it. Saunders

My big, fat, middle-aged, solo-effort English divorce

DAWN FRENCH STARS in a one-woman
play about a middle-aged woman trying
to cope with divorce. The cast included
her, a stuffed dog on wheels (called
Axel, by the way), and a number of
disembodied voices, including her Irish
mother that spoke to her over the phone
every time she stepped onto the right
piece of the stage. All of the modern
jokes are here (the ones that will seem
old in about three years) about ‘who
wants to be a millionaire’ and other
parts of current pop culture, which
implies that when people start laughing
at them for the wrong reasons this show
will either be partly rewritten or will
drop off the map altogether. It would
MY BRILLIANT DIVORCE @ THE APOLLO
BY MORGAN GOOCH
be a shame if it vanished, because there
is some fantastic comedy in there, and
while it did take a while to get warmed
up, it hit its stride soon enough; veering
between such diverse subjects as
hypochondria, sex shops and activity
holidays in Wales without putting a foot
wrong.
When someone high profile treads
the boards in the West End, they make
sure they get it right as their credibility
can be severely damaged by a bad
performance or a bad run. Thankfully,
Dawn French came up trumps. In what
I think is a major feat of self-control,
she only laughed at one of the jokes,
and was utterly convincing in the more
sombre moments.
So, we all smiled at the happy ending,
we all laughed at the funny bits, we all
sniffed and pretended we had something
in our eyes at the sad bits. A damn good
time was had, but not a cheap one.
Tickets range from £15-35, which may
discourage the typical skint student
market (you’d laugh just as hard if you
spent the money on drink) but if you’ve
got a few quid spare and you’d like
some top notch entertainment, then I
would recommend this without a second
thought.
20 INTERACTIVE 15 May 2003

Who wants to be a millionaire? Kriss-Kross thingymajiggy

well - surely not many of us would turn a million quid down iit’s like an already completed game of scrabble, but harder
£100: who quit the Spice Girls in 1998?
a: geri | b: victoria | c: emma | d: mel c 4 letters 6 letters
Ares Alerts
£200: which apparatus is used for weaving? Atom Allege
a: spinning wheel | b: sewing machine | c: loom | d: knitting needles Dear Assent
Dire Athens
£300: where is the Yukon river? Ease Attend
a: eurpoe | b: asia | c: africa | d: north america Erie Braked
Ezra Brooms s t r e a m
£500: what was first seen on British television in 1982? Hire Dieter m a t u r e
a: channel 4 | b: teletubbies | c: bbc 2 | d: coronation street Host Dozens
Kale Easing
£1k: which bird has species called emperor, king and rockhopper? Kepi Edging
a: penguin | b: hummingbird | c: sparrow | d: cuckoo Lodi Enters
Mass Esteem
£2k: which lines on a map join places of equal elevation? Mate Health
a: ley lines | b: contour lines | c: plimsoll lines | d: slope lines Near Hubbub
Nest Mature
£4k: what name is given to a symbol on a VDU screen of a facility available for selection? Odor Mutter
a: icon | b: window | c: cursor | d: port Okay Nation
Okra Others
£8k: ‘Au’ is the chemical symbol for which metal? Raps Passed
a: gold | b: silver | c: lead | d: mercury Rear Peachy
Reed Rattle
£16k: which of the Gospel writers is the patron saint of Venice? Rent Storms
a: matthew | b: mark | c: luke | d: john Rest Stream
Seal Strike The sign of a decent person is their ability to admit when they were
£32k: where did Moses receive the Ten Commandments? Sire Suture wrong and, looking back over the last couple of weeks, the kriss-kross
a: mount ararat | b: mount of olives | c: mount sinai | d: mount olympus Slam Themes really has been just a bit silly in terms of difficulty. Heck, it’s even
Stem been said that it’s insoluble.
Tone Admitting the difficulty factor is somewhat of a, well, factor in trying
£64k: the dunnock is a bird more commonly known by what name?
Tout to solve the kriss kross therefore, we’ve included a couple of words
a: house martin | b: gold finch | c: hedge sparrow | d: chaffinch
Zero to get you going and, what’s more, crossed them off the list for you.
That should hopefully do the trick... barefacts@ussu.co.uk
£125k: how many degrees are there in an ‘octant’?
a: 45 | b: 60 | c: 75 | d: 90

£250k: which knight of the Round Table fought a mysterious Green Knight?
a: sir lancelot | b: sir gawain | c: sir percival | d: sir galahad

£500k: what was the native language of Jesus Christ?

I can’t seem to find the words
that’s because this is a word search
“
a: aramaic | b: arabic | c: sanskrit | d: hebrew
Never trust a man with more than one girlfriend

“
or a woman with less than five pairs of shoes
£1m: in which country is the city of Bukhara?
a: uzbekistan | b: turkmenistan | c: kazakhstan | d: tajikistan

Hi there. Its been a very long time since I last wrote the.net, but
for the last issue of this year’s barefacts I had to let you
all know about this one last site. Now if any of you like
playing games on the Internet, then you so have to check out
www.ferryhalim.com/orisinal . This guy is responsible for
creating quite possibly the cutest games on the internet! Just go and play.
My favourite is “Pocketful of Stars”, but make sure you play with headphones or
speakers on.
Oh, and if you were wondering how Michel was getting on with her boob job fun on
www.giveboobs.com which I mentioned a while back, she now as received $4,500 in
donations for her to have the op! chris hunter

stay informed:
http://bb.ussu.co.uk If you’ve really enjoyed the wordsearch that much, then take a leaf out of
barefacts’ book and go and make your own. It’s quite fun and not very
time comsuming: www.worldvillage.com/wv/gamezone/puzzlegen/
15 May 2003
Final years Funkyberry (CIT) and Ickle Sarah (Music) give
a random slice of campus life from their humble dwellings
within Battersea Court Rawson…
EVER since last Friday my hot tap has been
dripping. I’m not sure what happened and
I should really speak to someone about it,
but I keep forgetting. I have also noticed
that over the last few days I always seem
to need the toilet! I haven’t altered my
diet, and I can only think this is due to the
constantly dripping tap that my mind must
be subconsciously focusing on.
This week I am going to make SUCH an
effort to revise in time for my last exam of
my student life. I really can’t believe that
for the last 4 years I’ve been saying “next
time I won’t leave work till the last minute”,
but I always do - but this time it WILL be
different!
THE end of the year means that the KUB
freezers are defrosted, and you can finally
solve one of the year’s greatest mysteries:
whatever happened to all your freezer
food?. This is probably the only time that
food is actually taken out of the freezer, as
most people put food in the freezer and it
never comes out again. If you don’t believe
me, then have a look at the sell by dates on
the food that you’ll find at the back of the
freezer. Here in Rawson 3 you can actually
do this with the fridges! I swear that if the
Whitehouse ever got wind of some of the
cultures that we breed in our fridge, we’d
be for it!
SOME people have comented that my speling
and grammar in this column has been very
unaccurate over the last year so for the
people that like to correct me Ive written
this paragraph especially for them.
So that was the final Rawson’s Creek of the
year, and I haven’t actually mentioned the
TV program which gave me the inspiration
for the cunning title of our column. It is of
course “Dawson’s Crack”. So I hope that
over the last year I’ve given you a rather
random view on campus life, put Rawson
firmly on the campus map, and inspired
everyone to be more friendly to cute little
bumble bees.
chris ‘funkyberry’ hunter
LIFESTYLE
THE nearing end of my academic studies,
for the time being at least, has done some
very strange things to my head. Last Friday,
before my final exam ever, I decided that
I wanted to fit the most random word
ever into my answers. Don’t ask me why,
I just did. After some discussion with a
friend, we decided upon the word marmite
– after all, what could be more un-related
to Progressive Rock than my favourite
sandwich filling! The exam itself was
slightly better than I had expected, and
eventually in my final paragraph I plucked
up the courage… Goodness knows what my
lecturer is going to think when he reads the
sentence, “progressive rock is like marmite
– you either like it or you don’t.”
THIS week we found a note in the Rawson
2 kitchen announcing the arrival of the
annual window-cleaning brigade. This was
all very well, but for the fact that in just
over a fortnight our entire house is being
refurbished, windows included! Surely
it doesn’t make sense to clean over sixty
windows only two weeks before they’re
going to be knocked out?! Oddly enough,
though, they never seemed to make it to my
room – maybe the prospect of cleaning off
the remnants of a snow sprayed “Vote Sarah
[1]” wasn’t inviting enough…
AND finally… big jenga has at last made its
reappearance in Chancellor’- for those of
you who haven’t seen it, it’s just like normal
jenga, except the blocks are about the size
of bricks. On Wednesday one of my friends
had a near escape when the tower toppled
over onto his head the day before an exam (I
wonder if jenga-induced injuries are covered
by Channies’ insurance?). However, today
we managed to build it up to a massive 44
storeys high – that’s well over six foot. By
the end of it, I was proving by ickleness by
having to stand on a chair in order to reach
the top!
THIS is Ickle Sarah, reporting from Battersea
Court Rawson, for the final time ever. The
end.
‘ickle sarah butterworth
Upside-down answers
WWTBAM: [£100: a]; [£200: c]; [£300: d]; [£500: a]; [£1k: a];
[£2k: b]; [£4k: a]; [£8k: a]; [£16k: b]; [£32k: c]; [£64k: c];
[£125k: a]; [£250k: b]; [£500k: a]; [£1m: a].
21
L ife after the womb
words: rich w
We’re forever being told about things we should and should
not do in order to stay healthy and ensure we’re receiving our
recommended daily allowance (RDA) of vitamins and minerals. Just in case we’re not
quite sure what contains what, the government already puts labels on everything saying
what does or does not contribute to our RDAs and will be telling us whether or not the item
held in hand can be considered one of the five portions of fruit and veg needed each day for
a healthy lifestyle.
Aside from food, there’s the “at least three sessions of rigorous activity lasting at least 20
minutes per week,” at least nine hours sleep a night, six small meals and not three big ones
a day, no more than one unit of alcohol a day, time with the family and friends for mental
well-being, an hour’s reading for mental stimulation, twenty minutes of this, five minutes
of that, an hour of the other and a bit more of the former, not so much of the latter and
good-night-vicar-be-sure-to-tip-your-waitress. Leaving everyone with, by Life After the
Womb’s calculation, twenty-seven minutes a day to actually enjoy themselves.
If you’re happy with those twenty-seven minutes then you’re in luck because you’ll more
than likely survive to the age of ninety-four and will thus have plenty of time on your
hands. Of course, the body you’ll find yourself in will have the capability only to shake
violently, become cold at the slightest hint of a change in temperature and listen to the
television at an ear-damagingly high level, alongside the inability to eat anything but soup,
aim directly into a toilet or remember the names of any members of your family, but at
least you’ll still have Sanatogen to cater for your RDA needs and the spare hours to look
forward to your next meals-on-wheels delivery.
Which brings us nicely to cheese. LATW has always been informed that eating cheese
before going to sleep will give you nightmares – it’s up there on terms of advice with
“don’t drink coke within half an hour of brushing your teeth” and “never run upstairs if
you’re starring in a horror movie.” That said, there are few occasions on which LATW
can remember eating cheese before going to bed and suffering from funny dreams and so,
in the tradition of human endeavour, decided to conduct an experiment involving eating
a block of cheese before going to bed and awaiting the effects on the subsequent night’s
sleep. The results were astounding:
night one :: cheddar :: tesco strength rating (4)
LATW was watching The Simpsons on television with its parents when Homer climbed
out of the television screen to sit on the sofa and start chatting up mother-dearest. Dad was
not too pleased about this and went to the kitchen to get a mackerel in order to beat Homer
around the head, but could only find a small Jamaican boy in sandals.
night two :: stilton :: tesco strength rating (3)
LATW went to visit an old relative in Northumbria and entered the living room to find
Kofi Annan sitting on the sofa reading a copy of Bella. Sat down and had a cup of tea with
him, at which point his daughter came in with LATW’s mail, which had been forwarded on
having been wrongly delivered to The Friary Centre.
night three :: beans on toast
(night off)
night four :: wensleydale :: tesco strength rating (2)
Informed that it would have to choose to kiss either the gay or attractive straight friend
to kiss in order to stave off an execution, LATW pops for the gay friend, figuring that
it would “probably not mean anything.” Despite standing in the exact mirror image of
LATW’s Stag Hill duplex room, things go swimmingly until a friend turns up naked
and insists on watching, thus making LATW nervous and unable to complete the task.
Despite protestations from the involved parties concerning their death if the kiss cannot be
performed, the naked friend remains steadfast.
night five :: brie :: tesco strength rating (5)
LATW saves the world from e-mail destruction with its superior word-
typing-rate and super-accurate typing in a fierce exchange with the
world’s arch-enemy over MSN messenger, whilst at the same time
stroking a cat.
night six
(Forgot the experiment due to a night out)
night seven :: dairylea :: tesco strength rating (n/a)
Swimming in a sea of dairylea, LATW’s limbs become tired and a
rescue operation involving the gardener from Walnut Tree Close, Tony
Blair and the Welsh bloke that hosts the six o’clock news on the BBC is
begun. Air-lifted by tape dangling from a very large cassette in the sky,
LATW is taken to the local branch of Zizzi for a calzone and glass of
diet orange juice.
Conclusion: cheese makes you have weird dreams but not nightmares.
22
UniSport fun: river sports day 2003
THE END OF EXAMS usually heralds most
things associated with fun and good times
and the UniSport river sports day is no dif-
ferent.
Having been given the go ahead by Guild-
ford Borough Council to hold the event
once again, UniSport will be presenting the
event that will take place no matter what the
weather on Wednesday 28th May from 1:
30pm onwards.
Individuals, departments, clubs, court and
even staff teams are welcome to make their
entries for the event.
Entry forms can be picked up from UniS-
port, the Students’ Union and other places
around campus and need to be received by 5:
30pm on Sunday 25th March. Entries must
be accompanied with signed statements
from all participants indicating a swimming
ability of 100 metres and responsibiliy for
their own safety. (All entrants must wear
trainers and buoyancy aids are to be worn
for all events).
There will be a team entry fee of £5 to cov-
er prizes, medals and materials. A bankside
collection will also be taken on the day for
the Disability Challengers Charity, in whose
benefit the day is being held.
The event will be held on the River Wey at
Millmead in Guildford - located behind the
Yvonne Arnaud Theatre.
All completed entry forms must be re-
turned to the sports centre by the given
deadline otherwise applications cannot be
processed. For more information about
any of the above, please contact Sally Edie
(s.edie@surrey.ac.uk).
If you are interested in joining the canoe
1:30 - 5pm :: wednesday 28th may 2003
Above: competitors waiting on the banks of the River Wey at last year’s River Sports Day
>> Surrey squash
continued from back page
close second. The ladies, in the meantime,
propped up the bottom of the table in
positions 14th, 15th and 16th.
Feeling the need to further prove ourselves
to the locals, we promptly dragged them out
on a very successful bar crawl, being taught
a variety of Manx dance moves on the way,
with particular mention going to the rather
dirty styley of Married Mike.
The arrival of Monday was greeted with
sadness as Surrey waited for the evening
SPORT & STARS
club or sub aqua club, please contact:
canoe csmarshall4@hotmail.com
aqua bmarion@mcreagh.freeserve.co.uk
Team entries In order to qualify for the
team event trophy, you must enter the fol-
lowing events:
(1) tug of war (4 men and 2 women)
(2) two raft teams (2x3)
(3) one raft change-about team (1x4)
(4) three beginners obstacle race (2 men 1
woman)
(5) water gladiators (mixed team of 6: 3 for
canoe slalom - men and women - and 3 glad-
iators (dependent on swimming ability))
Although individual entries for all events
are encouraged, many competitors normally
wish to be considered for the team trophy.
There are some rules that need to be ob-
served to ensure safety is upheld during the
day. They are:
(1) every entrant will need to bring a copm-
lete change of clothes
(2) temas must consist of at least six people,
comprised of four men and two women.
Please note that individual entries can be
cobbled together to form teams.
(3) students/staff can represent one team
only
(4) all participants must wear shoes and life
jackets. the sub aqua and canoe clubs will
have cleared much of the debris from the
rover bottom to avoid injuries, but shoes are
a must to avoid cut feet
(5) a suggestion from the health officer is to
cover open wounds with waterproof plasters
before entering the water for an event
(6) spikes or football boots are not allowed.
ferry. The three and a half hour return
crossing was rather more subdued than the
arrival and a last minute attempt to catch up
on tour points could not equal the staggering
163 points achieved by the male captain.
Congratulations are also due to Scrappy for
accumulating the ‘Greenest Sh*t’, ‘Most
Toys Out of Pram’, ‘D*ck of the tour’ and
‘Most Failed Attempts at Incest’ awards – a
varied and impressive list by all accounts.
The Isle of Mann squash trophy went to
a Kiwi living in Brighton, whilst the Poms
return with a poor second. One word:
bothered!
almost accurate astrology
because facts and horoscopes are mutually exclusive
Aquarius
Everyone needs to believe in
something. You, for instance,
believe in an omnipotent man
who lives in the sky, and that you’ll have
another beer, despite the fact that your
doctor has recommended you don’t follow
such a rigorous live-damaging regime or
otherwise face meeting aforementioned
man.
Pisces
Mars’ position in your sign
indicates that only hard work
and dedication can help you
reach your goals. But don’t worry: Mars
will move by next week. I would say keep
on smiling, but having had your lower jaw
and lip removed makes that all the more
difficult.
Aries
You will finally develop soft,
shiny, touchable hair, just
moments before getting hit by a
bus – which at first might seem unrelated.
As a result, take a little time this week
to think of those closest to you and the
possibility that they’re the ones behind the
assassination attempts.
Taurus
Sometimes, you just want to go
someplace where nobody knows
who you are. Luckily, this is
easily accomplished by leaving your house.
Gemini
The juxtaposition of sexual
imagery and Catholic
iconography has been done
to death, but, hey, it’s your personals ad.
Unfortunately, long-established patterns
of behaviour will not magically change
for you this week and the results of your
placing the ad will amount to the sum
success of your GCSE results.
Cancer
The stars don’t think it would be
fair to give you a new prediction
until the one about finding
happiness, love, or wealth comes true.
www.we’realldoneforandthestarscan’thelpus.com
15 May 2003
Leo
After years of indecision and
having now finally reached the
end of the degree intended to
put off making the decision, you will finally
decide to move to Las Vegas, where you’ll
lose it all on 23 Red.
Virgo
Once again, it’s a good week
for romance in the fourth floor
library photocopying room, but
remember that romance has nothing to do
with your fellow revising students taking
you from behind while you’re copying page
27 of somebody else’s thesis.
Libra
Yes: everyone thinks that it
would have been their mother
that caught them masturbating.
Scorpio
After a long, expensive
investigation, the World
Health Organization will be
forced to admit that it has no idea how
you slipped through and as a result you’ll
make controversial front-page headlines
when you’re the subject of the nation’s first
multimillion-dollar asexual-harassment
case.
Sagittarius
Despite assurances form your
parents that they do not know
how to use the camcorder, the
home video you have just purchased from a
shop down a back street in Soho will have
a couple in it that look alarmingly like your
mother and father.
Capricorn
Though it should be easy to
prove that giant robots are
not constantly sneaking up on
you, you remain remarkably resistant to
dissuasion. Sometimes, then, all you can
do is step back and laugh at the absurdity of
it all. However, the jury will note that a fire
extinguisher was within easy reach.
It’s not real. We make it up. Like the pros.
15 May 2003
An excuse to drink irresponsibly whilst abroad: the hockey tour 2003
continued from last week
Sunday was the last day of hockey, and was
the finals. Surrey having championed both
tables were of course involved and thought
to guarantee being in the final, but sadly
no. On this wind chilled day, the organisers
decided that an all Surrey final would be
unexciting, and so pipped us against each
other in both mens and mixed competition.
Excellent performances by all, including
Special who had been hit in the face by a
ball, and hence looked like the white Nelly.
Kosher took his turn in goal for Sicknote
who had injured his shoulder, and did
impressively well and may have staked as
a contender for 1st team keeper next year.
In the end, Surrey 1’s progressed through
to both finals, and were narrowly pipped in
the men’s competition by Portsmouth, who’s
side contained national league players, but
only on flicks. The mixed side also lost out
to Yorks, 2-1 in the final. But overall, Surrey
came 2nd and 3rd in both competitions,
which marked an impressive performance
by the Surrey boys and girls:
SPORT
BY JAMES OLIVER
Sunday night was the awards night, and
trophies were awarded to the winners
of each competition. Just when Surrey
thought they had won nothing, Fragile was
awarded player of the tournament, due to
his excellent defensive and attacking play
through the weekend. With the ceremonies
over, the drunkenness and zoning began,
with Malibu challenging York to all
kinds of drinking games, and then zoning
with a number of their chicks…..that’s
at least what the photos say. Fragile
was then taken aside by Portsmouth and
was truly broken for his award. Lowell
continued to be the Ice Master. Kosher
continued to “borrow” things, including a
Peace flag to send to his brother in Iraq.
Then came Monday, and the third day that
Surrey were in Italy without any hockey.
There would have been great worries as
to what we would have done, should there
not have been a beach party organised.
The drunkenness it seemed would carry
on through the day and ensure that the tour
finished in subtle style drunken! The meet
was at some bar around twelve. Slowly
but surely and if even a little late, everyone
turned up to get their fill. There was a
slight worry that the beach party would
be such a great success as the weather
had been somewhat unfavourable over
the recent day or two, and these worries
were well warranted as snow began to
fall. Never the less drunkenness ensured.
At some point, York University arrived,
and POB commented that he had drunk their
keeper under the table the previous evening
Upon asking, Bellend, said Keepers
name, denied this. Therefore, Malibu and
Kempy-York’s chair set-up a challenge.
Being undecided as to what this challenge
should be, Mabs and Kemp went to the bar
to buy some shots and beer. However, upon
arrival, litre jugs were noticed, and it was
agreed that this should be the challenge,
through a straw. It look ominous, but neither
POB nor Bellend were willing to give up at
this point, and with the crowds riled, the race
began. And painful though it was, with less
than a quarter gone, POB complained of ice
cream head, but valiantly struggled on. POB
was narrowly beaten by Bellend, but the
latter was forced to run outside and through
up immediately. York agreed that this was
pathetic and gave the victory to POB, if he
could finish the drink in the next 10 seconds.
He could, and hence the winner was found.
Unfortunately, the drink had obviously
gone to his head, POB began to try to light
Jd’s Jd but tipped lighter fuel in it. As this
was harsh, it was deemed that he should
either finish the drink, or buy her another.
POB decided to finish it, and through a
straw. Proud though we were of POB,
he then took himself off to the beach and
emptied his guts, showing a good litre and
maybe more of what he just consumed.
The afternoon continued in a great drunken
fashion, and so the tour headed to its last
night. The toga party!
All left for the evening, as they had arrived
in Italy, and had a party to remember the tour
by. Zoning was about as always. The ice
cube game found new depths as passing from
the stage to the bar was attempted. Another
bucket was stolen for this very purpose.
But something new arose through all of this.
With Andy taking to the decks, and showing
his worth, break dancing became the new
challenge, and ever being the liability, The
Ice Master himself took this upon him. A
back flip, into the splits was attempted and
would have soundly been achieved if it were
not for the glass in his pocket. Fortunately,
none were injured. The night carried on
and drunkenness and the web of incest
continued as it had through the tour, with
all knowing that it their actions would be
safe as what goes on tour, stays on tour!
The night ended with many a happy
memory and many freely saying this was
23
the best tour they had experienced. Yet
there was still more to come in the morning.
Many awoke feeling rough as hell, some
felt as fresh as ever, one though awoke
to drunkenness so deep and complete it
couldn’t be fathomed how drunk the man
was when he passed out. This man was
Paulo. This man had zoned with Cheeky
from Southampton, also know as slag, and
simply became the Italian, Paulo di Slaggio.
The breath told of unknown quantities of
liquor that had passed his lips. The team set
out to enjoy some fine Italian cuisine, and
yet after his fill, the man was still ruined,
and many a quote could be taken from that
day. It’s all about the rock, and don’t kick
the Volleyball! were constantly yelled, as
was the man’s own glorious song. Around
three the man finally started sobered up,
and attention was needed elsewhere, !
And as the team headed to the airport,
they could have been forgiven for
thinking that that was the end of tour and
all the stories that were to come from it.
Alas they were wrong. As the coach sat
and watched some porn-which some defined
as classy, whereas most would never class
Pat Butcher been given some as such, the
injury which had caused Malibu so much
pain recently, steadily worsened, and pain
killers couldn’t help. Upon arrival at the
airport, he passed out and then attempted
a worm, though some say he was actually
writhing in agony. The staff at the airport
said he would not be allowed to board
the plane in case he had another fit. Then
came the drugs, a hefty dose of Diaspam
was given and drugged up to the eyeballs
was Bu. Many pictures were taken of a
forever smiling liability. He slept all the
way home, and upon arrival at Stansted, he
was greeted by not one emergency service
but all three. Malibu wanted to know where
the fourth was, but Chef told him that the
Alcoholic Anonymous didn’t do call outs!
And so ended tour, with all
remarking that that was one of the
best five days of their young lives.
Again a huge thanks goes out to Chef for
all the work he has done this year as Social
Sec and for helping to organise such a great
tour from which a great many memories can
be drawn.
www.surrey.ac.uk/union/sports/hockey
24
Surrey Slingers take on the great outdoors
IN THE BRIGHT May sunshine the university’s
valiant frisbee team headed to the Swindon
countryside in search of the student national
outdoor ultimate tournament (snout). Since
the stunning victories at Brunel and UEA
(University of East Anglia) we were ready
for a whole new level of challenge. Here
32 of the best student frisbee teams from
across the country met on a windy field to
do battle.
This being the slingers first snout the aim
was to ridicule the seeding of 27th. The first
two games against Portsmouth and Brunel
were never going to be easy. But treating
them as warm-up games with the aim to
score and end respectably, the final results
of 12-1 and 8-4 were a promising start. The
next game against UEA was our time to
prove ourselves. Beating the 22nd seeds 9-2
showed that we were on form and went into
the next phase ready.
With another 3, 50minute matches to go
the first day was proving to be long and
tiring, but as the heavens began to open, we
won first match of the second group stage
11-1. The match against the top seeds in
our group, Cardiff, was going to be a very
different game. Drawing the game six all
was a result far beyond our expectations and
gave us a chance of winning the group.
Isle of Mann proves to be a breeze
for Surrey Squash
SURREY SQUASH TEAM returned from the
Isle of Mann Easter Sports festival with
two trophies, an Easter egg and serious
hangovers to their name.
After a slow start, which saw three
journeys on the A3, a scenic detour around
Birmingham and a serious loss of toys from
Scrappy’s pram, we boarded the ferry at
Heysham and the drinking began. Our faith
in the abilities of our female captain was
tested early on when she got locked in the
toilets and had to be rescued by security. On
arrival in the land of Manx we quickly took
up sleeping positions in the Quality Hotel
lobby until we were allocated rooms and
the (Manx) catty comments from irritable
young Surrey men were finally pacified.
First night, refreshed by sleep and a few
drinking games at the Quids Inn, we hit the
local club Breeze, our home for the next
four nights and handily situated within
staggering distance of the hotel. The night
saw an impressive variety of nudity from
15 May 2003
SURREY PRIDE
BY TREVOR ASKWITH
With points scored all-important we went
into the last game. Unfortunately Cardiff
had beaten Loughborough University’s
2nd team 15-0 so a tough task was ahead.
Beating Loughborough’s 2nd team 14-1
and Cardiff winning 14-2 meant finishing
second in the group. But this meant that we
finished the second day as 20th seeds with a
lowest possible finish of 24th.
The three matches of the second day was a
light relief compared to the six of the first.
The first game against the 19th seeds proved
to be the hardest fought. With scores equal
after the hour play had to continue until
one team were two points clear. When
this happened Surrey found an extra gear
and scored three points in a row to win a
19th seeding an a place in the bowl semi-
Above: the mixed hockey team defend a short corner during their tour of the Rimini valley in Italy. For the
final. The semi was against an impressive second half of the tour report, see inside back page. Photo: Richard Wainwright
Lancaster team. Unfortunately with the
wind picking up Surrey found play difficult
in the semi and were unable to score against Unisport director honoured with community award
the wind.
This lead to a final match against UniSport director Barry Hitchcock Our warmets
Nottingham, to keep our 19th place. A (right) has been awarded one of the congratulations
convincing win meant that we had bettered Mayor of Guildford’s Living in Harmony are extended to
our expectations and beaten our seeding by 8 awards in recognition of his contribution Mr Hitchcock
places, and managed an impressive suntan. to sport to sport in the community, and and the
in particular the accesibility of sport in recognition
the local area. this award
The awards recognise individuals symbolises for
who have done exceptional work in the
community and enhanced and fostered
his contribution
to sport in the
good relations between communities. local area
BY CARLY SMITH
the Surrey six, including nightie and bra
wearing by the little and big gay bear duo
(photos available on request) as well as an
impressive knickerless dash up the stairs by
Captain Monkey herself.
Friday night followed a similar pattern,
with the six purple Surrey tour shirts proving
the hottest contested tour steal on the
island. Monkey introduced herself (and the
contents of her stomach) to the local police
force, whilst BGB (supposedly) proved to
the Keele girls how he got the nickname
“Length”. Boozy, avoiding the students to
go for the men with money, quickly set to
work on the hotel staff – we wonder how she
ever received the nickname she was did…
Saturday morning saw the first mention
of any actual sporting activity and Surrey
Squash were not coming out to play. With
water bottles and sick buckets in tow we
arrived at the courts of the Isle of Mann
select. Coordination and skill were not
forthcoming, although mention goes out
to Lag who achieved the shocking feat
of running, on court, for the first time in
her short squash history. However, the
hangovers couldn’t keep us down for long
and Geg and Length stormed to victory to
lead to an exciting final between the two
Surrey men that saw Geg take the trophy
with Length a continued on page 26