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Dec 31, 2016 · 5 min read

The “Strong Woman” Complex

The Duality of Self

Courtesy of Miguel Salgado

The Complex:

What is the “strong woman” complex and why is it important?

Every society has its own spoken and unspoken views of the female
gender; whether the society is matriarchal or patriarchal a ects those
views. Some societies have laws governing women’s rights and bodies,
whereas others give women the right to choose. Nevertheless, the fact
that there needs to be laws in the rst place giving women rights or
taking them away stipulates how little control women sometimes have
to be treated as human, but I digress. It’s a roller coaster ride living up
to expectations, stipulations set, and ideals of how you are supposed to
be while being true to you. Whether you give in or choose to rebel
against the pressures of societal expectations, at some point the
struggle begins to interfere with your identity, self-esteem, and self-
con dence.
Throughout history the female gender has been the most controversial
among societies — matriarchal societies revered women and some
patriarchal societies saw women as less-than second class citizens.
Women have had to, and still continue, to prove their worth to societies
and their right to be respected and valued as a vital factor to the growth
of society. There are so many brave women who have paved the way to
alter how women are treated, but how women are viewed may take
more time. There are still old-fashioned views of women maintaining
designated roles that can be traced back to the hunter-gatherer days.

Even during present day, matriarchal and patriarchal societies still

exist. Women are still ghting for rights to live as their own identity
separate from a man, govern their own bodies, and for equal pay for
doing the same job as men. Women assert their identity, self-esteem,
and self-con dence while struggling through societal pressures to
conform to gender roles — creating a perfect storm for dualism and the
“strong woman” complex.

The term “strong woman” dates back as early as the 13th century. In
the 13th century women did not perform duties assigned to a man, but
the term meant “she does masculine things” (Dannefer, 2010). Over
time the meaning of “strong woman” began to evolve into an unspoken
complex — meaning a woman who bears the responsibility of societal
standards of the female gender role while simultaneously earning a
living, and pushing through obstacles without complaining.

Even if obstacles are overcome, is there something lost or gained while

keeping up appearances of the complex?

The complex carries a false narrative of strength. In reality it is a base of

emotional instability framed by defense mechanisms. The pressures of
society become too much and a level of arti cial escapisms (mental and
emotional withdrawal) to cope begin to form. Arti cial escapes can
transpire through substance abuse, and/or detachment from
connecting with others.

Whether it is through substance abuse or detachment, the complex

fuels loneliness, bitterness, and anger and creates a cycle of behavior
a ecting future generations of women.

Duality of Self:
The pressures and expectations of society con icting with your self-
identity can evolve into dualism — duality of “self.” Dualism is the
internal con ict of opposing identities — being overwhelmed by the
internal struggle to conform your identity to t community, cultural,
and societal standards while compromising your authentic “self.”
Eventually, dualism can create such turmoil it causes suppression of
emotions just to survive. With the complex, the reactive state of
suppressing emotions for survival is typically accompanied by
disconnect, distrust, anxiety, and/or depression — beginning a cycle of
mental and/or emotional instability.

The truth is, the female gender has always faced some level of dualism
throughout history. Women have been labeled and stereotyped for
either being too emotional, weak, or just inferior to a man. And if a
woman asserts her independence, she may be labeled as “bossy” —
whereas a man would be considered con dent, strong, and/or a leader.

Even if measured — the actions and reactions being the same between a
woman and a man — the woman’s actions don’t align with societal
ideals of how a woman is supposed to behave. Such categorization is
bound to agitate dualism.

Moving Forward:

Move forward by breathing and nding your foundation. Your

foundation can be a place, time, image, or an emotion that makes you
feel calm, strong, etc. Your foundation is only relative to you. Use your
foundation to help you confront whatever issue you have.

And once you’ve confronted the issue, step away, and then re ect.

During re ection, intense emotion will come up again as you replay the
scenario over and over again in your head. But, guide your thoughts to
think about how you felt at that moment, and then explore how you got
to that point — rather than thinking about what you should’ve said and
what you should’ve done. The confrontation is over and there’s no use
in crying over spilled milk.

Regardless if the con ict was the result of a misunderstanding or not,

feel justi ed in how you felt at that moment. But, as you explore how
you got to the point of con ict, your feelings leading up to before the
con ict will be exposed, and then work out why you felt that way.
Exploring “why” does not devalue you justifying your feelings at the
time of the con ict, but rather helps you work out and understand how
the events that were going on around you allowed you to become so
emotionally a ected — and eventually you may begin to understand
how you view yourself.

Delving into “why” will help you develop more compassion, not only for
yourself, but for others as well — no matter how ignorant they may be.
Compassion for others is not excusing their actions, but rather
compassion helps you stay focused on you, your aspirations, and
becoming the best version of yourself you envisioned.

Compassion means you understand the only person you can change is
you.

Overcoming stereotypes engrained in so many societies is no painless

x, and there’s no easy answer on how to maintain mental and
emotional stability while under pressure and facing judgments. There
are going to be times when you feel overwhelmed, defeated, depressed,
and maybe even some anxiety.

Everyone deserves the opportunity to grieve, cry, scream, love, and

connect with themselves, as well as connect with others; and express
yourself without judgement. There are no trial runs at life, so the key is
to understand your own limits and when and how to step away from
the stress versus shutting down.

Reference:

Dannefer, D. 2010. The SAGE Handbook of Social Gerontology. Page

22. Accessed December 15, 2016