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ACT I.

SCENE I. PRINCIPAL SKINNER’s house.

Enter SUPERINTENDENT CHALMERS and SKINNER

CHALMERS
Alas, Seymour! thy navigation still
Leaves much to be desired, and yet, by grace,
Upon your porch I find myself in time
Bearing a friendly gift: a jug of wine.

SKINNER
Ah, Chalmers, as thine own home is to thee,
Enter and be prepar​éd for a meal
Worthy of song and praise.

CHALMERS
Of that, we’ll see.

Exit SKINNER

SCENE II. PRINCIPAL SKINNER's kitchen.

Enter SKINNER

SKINNER
‘Sblood! The luncheon roast I had prepared
To win over the superintendent
Has gone, in ruin, to the Muse of fire.
But if my fortunes I wish to reverse,
Fast food’s the thing, and with it a disguise,
to pass as my own cooking for this meal.
A cunning plot worthy of devils’ zeal.

SKINNER opens the nearby window


Enter CHALMERS

CHALMERS
Pish!

CHORUS
The plots and explanations Skinner speaks,
A pox on Chalmers’ heart wherefore he seeks
A poultice for his wan and ailling face.
O that way, madness lies, for all who hear!
The lies Skinner discover by mistake
Portend a sickly fortune on this night.

CHALMERS
Seymour!

SKINNER
Ah superintendent, it may appear
As though some form of trouble is afoot
But let me reassure thee of my deeds:
I simply wish to stretch before the meal.
Would thou care to join me?

CHALMERS
Not now, cur,
For a more pressing matter is at hand:
Wherefore doth smoke rise curling from thy kiln?

SKINNER
Upon the sunrise, to prepare for lunch,
The boatswain I persuaded to embark
Out on the sea, some shellfish to acquire.
Not smoke, dear Chalmers, this vapor’s hot air
With which I’ll steam the clams pulled from the sea.

Exit CHALMERS
Exit SKINNER, through the window

ACT II
SCENE I. PRINCIPAL SKINNER's dining room.

Enter CHALMERS, sitting at the table


Enter SKINNER, carrying a tray of burgers

SKINNER
I hope your appetite’s as roundly wet
As blades supporting Henry at Harfleur
For I come bearing heapings of good ham.

CHALMERS
Do you think me a fool? I thought that we
Had clams, not beef, steamed freshly from the sea.

SKINNER
Alas, poor Chalmers, I said steaméd hams
As that’s what I call beeves between some bread.
Would thou not rather eat a hearty beef?

CHALMERS
In spite of common parlance, thou insist
On calling what you’ve brought here a steamed ham?

SKINNER
The phrase may not be common in this land
But it’s a ham by any other name.

CHALMERS
What region’s people call a beef a ham?

SKINNER
Upstate New York?

CHALMERS
I find that hard to stomach.
Although form Utica, I’ve yet to hear
That beef-witted expression uttered there.

SKINNER
Not Utica. Southeast, in Albany,
A land where thou call beeves just as you like.

CHALMERS
An eerie similarity strikes me,
As though I’ve tasted hams like this before.
If not coincidence, then please tell me
Wherefore this ham tastes like a fast food beef.

SKINNER
Sir, on this point I fear I must insist.
The beeves I’ve cooked in fashion passéd down
From elder Skinners all the way to me:
A warmly treasured fam’ly recipe.
CHALMERS
A secret for the steaming of the ham.

SKINNER
Indeed.

CHALMERS
Indeed, thou claim the ham thou cooked is steamed
Despite the telltale signs that grilling leaves?

SKINNER
Excuse me for a moment.

CHALMERS
Yes, of course.

Exit SKINNER,
Enter SKINNER, yawning

SKINNER
Though merriment and mirth were had by all,
My constitution wavers even now,
The hour turns late and hence the lunch must cease.

CHALMERS
Yes, I should be--Halt!
Good Lord! what light through yonder kitchen breaks?

SKINNER
Aurora Borealis, I believe.

CHALMERS
Aurora Borealis, in this clime?
As light from good Apollo shines on us?
And not atop a mountain, but indoors?
The light from heaven held within thy home?

SKINNER
Yes.

CHALMERS
Well then, may I see it?
SKINNER
Not a chance.

Exit

SCENE II. PRINCIPAL SKINNER's porch.

AGNES SKINNER ​(Off-stage)


Help, help, Seymour! The house is all ablaze.

SKINNER
Be calm, mother, it’s just Muse of Fire.

CHALMERS
Against my better senses, I confess:
Though oddness be thy central quality,
Thine ham cookery is to be esteemed.

Exit

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