Norman Jan 27th
Due to the development and rapid expansion of supermarkets in some countries,
many small, local business are unable to compete. Some people think that the
closure of local business will bring about the death of local communities.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Department stores and supermarkets offer wider selection of goods with lower
prices to customers. Many people believe that these globalized enterprises will
jeopardize the survival of smaller local stores. In my opinion, in spite of the apparent
threats brought forth by the megastores, it is over generalizing to state that local
communities may die.
It is true that smaller local shops cannot compete with the big brands and
supermarkets in terms of varieties and low prices. However, consumers do not only
buy products based on only the choices available and the prices. Uniqueness and
craftsmanship alongside quality are also very important. For instance, many people
dress to express their personalities and taste. The last thing they would buy when it
comes to fashion is a mass produced item that a lot of people may wear at the same
time. It is quite embarrassing to dress alike afterall. At local stores, uniqueness can
easily be found because many items are hand-made locally. Not only special style and
touches can be found but also “one and only” items grant you uniqueness, not to
mention higher quality and special craftsmanship.
On the other hand, consumers prefer smaller shops because they are the only places
where better services and human interaction can be found. For example, a fishing
novice would choose a local specialty store for a new fishing rod over Walmart
because he is likely to get more and better advices. Apart from the benefit of
learning from the staff or being served better, he also can meet other insiders at the
local store who probably are fishing amateurs or professionals. Engaging
conversation with these individuals would be an invaluable experience.
Above all, although supermarkets and department stores have the advantage in
offering lower prices, the local stores and business communities will continue to
survive for many other factors that consumers treasure.
309 words
Comments:
Commented [AB1]: ‘a wider selection’ – use ‘a’ when you have
an adjective and a countable noun.
Commented [AB2]: An excellent, clear and concise
introduction.
Commented [AB3]: ‘variety and low prices’ – this sounds a little
more natural.
Commented [AB4]: ‘after all’ – two words.
Commented [AB5]: The grammar is faulty here – ‘Not only can
special style and touches be found’.
Notice where the auxiliary verb goes –
Not only was it raining all day at the wedding but also the band
was late.
Not only will they paint the outside of the house but also the
inside.
Commented [AB6]: ‘In addition’ is better here as the end of the
previous paragraph is talking about the benefit of buying locally.
Commented [AB7]: ‘also can also meet’ – the adverb goes
between the modal verb ‘can’ and the main verb ‘meet’.
Commented [AB8]: The adverb goes after the verb ‘be’ unless
it is used for emphasis.
‘ ………. are probably fishing’
Commented [AB9]: ‘the local stores’ – don’t use ‘the’ with
plural nouns when there is general meaning.
Commented [AB10]: ‘for many other reasons’ – this sounds
more natural.
Norman Jan 27th

IELTS Marking Criteria My comments Band score

Task Fulfilment Presents a clear position 8.5

Cohesion and Coherence
Lexical resource
Grammatical Range
and accuracy
throughout the response.
Some very good ideas
arranged into a convincing
argument. A very
interesting and
well-thought out essay.
Logically organises
information and ideas; 8.0
there is clear progression
throughout. Presents a
clear central topic within
each paragraph. A very well
constructed argument.
Very well-organised. An
issue with ‘on the other
hand’ vs ‘in addition’.
Attempts to use less
common vocabulary but
with some excellent
accuracy. Generally highly
appropriate range with a 8.5
small amount of inaccuracy
with collocations. A superb
range. A very broad range
of vocabulary.
Makes some errors in
grammar such as the use of
adverbs and inversion (not
only…..). However, some 8.0
excellent, more
adventurous sentences
with a great deal of
accuracy.

Score – 8.0 – a superb piece of writing with great ideas and structure to the
Norman Jan 27th

paragraphs.