How To Respond To A Disrespectful Student

by Michael Linsin on February 19, 2011

With over 350,000 page views, How To Handle

Disrespectful Students is one of the most popular articles on this website—and for good
reason.
A disrespectful student can get under a teacher’s skin like almost nothing else.

When confronted with disrespect, it’s easy to take it personally. This is a normal
reaction from a passionate teacher.

But it’s a colossal mistake.

Because when you take behavior personally, you’re likely to react in ways that make
managing that student’s behavior much more difficult.

Your leverage and influence will then plummet right along with his or her behavior.
But if you can refrain from doing what comes naturally, then you can hold the
disrespectful student accountable and still retain your ability to influence future
behavior.

Here’s how:
Lose the battle.
When a student is disrespectful to you, you have to be willing to lose the battle. In other
words, you must resist the urge to admonish, scold, lecture, get even, or otherwise
attempt to put the student in their place.

Don’t take it personally.

Disrespect comes from a place inside the student that has nothing to do with you. So
don’t take it personally. Your job is to help the student see the error of his or her ways so
that it doesn’t happen again.

Stay calm.
Take a deep breath to quell any angry feelings rising up inside you. Remind yourself that
you’ll be much more effective, and the situation will go much smoother, if you maintain
emotional control.

Pause.
In the immediate moments following the incident, don’t say a word. Simply maintain
eye contact with the student and wait. Let their words hang in the air for several
seconds, leaving no doubt about what was said, how it was said, and who is responsible
for saying it.

End it.
It’s important not to escalate the situation, but to end it as quickly as possible. Your
pause and unwillingness to react is unnerving and will leave the student devoid of
anything to say. As soon as you break eye contact and walk away, the incident is over.

Move on.
Refrain from enforcing a consequence—for now. Just continue on with whatever you
were doing. Leave the student standing there, unsure of what to do. It’s always best to
get back to normalcy as quickly as possible for the sake of the rest of your students.

Do nothing.
Proceed with your day as if nothing happened. Don’t approach the student. Don’t try to
talk to him or her about what happened. Don’t do anything until you’re confident that
the student has mentally moved on from the situation.

Enforce.
As soon as the student is calm and the incident is forgotten, approach and deliver your
consequence. I recommend bypassing the warning step of your classroom management
plan and sending the student directly to time-out. Say simply, “You broke rule number
four. Grab your work and go to time-out.”
Notify.
For overt disrespect, the parents should be notified. A letter home is most effective. It
also adds a layer of accountability that lasts beyond the day of the incident. Near the end
of the school day, hand the student your letter and walk away–without adding a lecture.
Let accountability speak for you.

Note: For more information on this topic, including a sample letter home, see the
article, Why A Letter Home Is An Effective Consequence.
Let remorse set in.
When you handle disrespect this way, without lecturing or scolding or taking it
personally, even the most obstinate student will be affected by his or her mistake. So
much so that you’re likely to get a sincere and unforced apology.

A Lesson Learned
By following these steps, you can turn a student’s disrespect into a memorable lesson.
The steps work because they heap the entire burden of responsibility on the student’s
shoulders, with none of it clinging to you.

He or she can’t blame you or be resentful of you—thus undermining the lesson—because

you didn’t try to get even. You didn’t have to win the battle. You didn’t yell, threaten,
scold, or lower yourself to the same level of disrespect.

You kept your cool and allowed accountability to work, which is the right thing to do for
both you and the student.

Thanks for reading.

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Why You Should Respond Slowly To
Misbehavior
by Michael Linsin on June 30, 2012

There is a compulsion among teachers to react too quickly to misbehavior.

As soon as it shows up on their radar, they’re on it in a flash, making judgments and

decisions before fully understanding what it is.

Teachers with this compulsion tend to take misbehavior personally. It offends and
annoys them so much that they feel like they must attack it aggressively.

But rushing toward the first suspicion of misbehavior or calling out in an attempt to
interrupt it is like trying to stop milk as it’s being spilled. Once a rule has been broken,
it’s broken.

And there is nothing you can do to reverse it.

Yes, it’s important to be timely and to address misbehavior in the moments after it
occurs. But being in a hurry, or trying to stop misbehavior in midstream, is a costly
mistake.

Here’s why:

1. It’s stressful.
It’s tough to keep your cool when you’re rushing to handle misbehavior. The stress and
tension of thinking and moving fast on your feet can cause you to raise your voiceor say
something you’ll regret.
It can also cause stress and nervous tension among the rest of your students, disrupting
learning, instigating excitability, and increasing the chances that they too will begin
misbehaving.

2. It encourages confrontation.
Dealing with misbehavior too quickly risks inciting students who are already in a
heightened state, which all but guarantees an argumentative response.
Add to it your snap accusations, strong rebukes, or even calls to stop, and you’ll be
throwing anger and resentment into the contentious mix.
3. It blinds you to the facts.
Effective classroom management demands that you get the facts first before responding
to misbehavior. Teachers who are quick to react often get it wrong, causing students to
distrust them intensely.

Proximity is also important. If you move in too close, you’ll miss something. It’s best to
keep your distance, observe quietly, and take it all in—your mind an indifferent camera
recording the action.

4. It causes you to lose control.

A too soon response gives your students an opportunity to goad you into a confrontation
or disrupt your pleasant mood—like a puppet on the end of a string. Difficult
students are especially adept at this.
Taking your time before speaking or moving toward the misbehavior, on the other hand,
allows you to stay in control, no matter how disruptive the student or severe the
misbehavior.

Empower Yourself
By merely responding methodically to misbehavior, you’ll empower yourself to keep
your composure, maintain control of your class, and make the right decisions with
grace, clarity, and conviction.

Your students will respect you for it.

Your colleagues will admire you because of it.

And you’ll be a happier, more effective teacher.

It happens, often without warning.

A student becomes so angry they verge on losing control.

They fume and seethe. They glare and tear up. They turn dark crimson.

Sometimes we know the cause of their infuriation and other times we have no idea.

The worst mistake is trying to get to the bottom of it too soon. Asking why they’re upset
almost always makes matters worse.

It brings their frustration to boil and can trigger a temper tantrum or ugly outburst. So
too can holding them accountable for any accompanying misbehavior.
It’s best to wait until the student has forgotten the incident—sometimes hours later—
before addressing the cause or enforcing a consequence.

In the meantime, there are three ways to help calm them down and hasten their return
to normal.

1. Move on.
The sooner you move on with your lesson, the sooner the student will be able to move on
as well.

Calmly pretending that nothing happened—or that what happened wasn’t a big deal—
will take the attention off the student and release the tension in the room.

One reason students stay angry is because they’re embarrassed. They can’t get past it
because everyone is watching them. Only by leaving them alone and shifting attention
back to you and your lesson will they be able to calm down.

2. Reassure.
A reassuring word from you can make a big difference. It’s important, however, that it
doesn’t require any response from the student. In fact, it’s best to speak to them on the
fly. Lingering will only cause more embarrassment.

As for what to say, just let them know you’re giving them time and not making any
judgments. Cruise by their desk and say, “No worries, Karla, I understand. We’ll take
care of it later. I promise.”
3. Encourage.
I’ve found this strategy to be especially effective with students on the brink of losing
control, when it appears their anger is escalating. It has a way of giving them exactly
what they need to hear.

Internally, angry students are battling for self-control. They’re trying not to behave in
the way that every fiber of their body is compelling them to. If you can encourage them
to win this battle, they often do—and quickly.

“Hang in there, Luis. Be strong. Be of good courage (or be brave). You can do it.” Oddly,
they’ll know exactly what you’re talking about.

Divine Messenger
Our normal inclination upon seeing an angry student is to rush to their side. But in the
immediate aftermath it’s best to step back and widen your perspective.
Like a first-responder who calmly surveys a chaotic scene, take a look around you first.
Ensure the safety of the rest of your class before worrying about the angry student.

Pause a moment and let your calmness and equanimity envelop your classroom. Your
students will take their cue from you.

Only after establishing control and removing tension will you consider your options for
helping the student overcome their difficult moment.

Only then will you approach and impart your nourishing words. Only then will you act
with the compassion of someone who has been there.

Because we’ve all been there.

We’ve all been filled with anger and on the edge of losing our cool. And in those
moments, what we need is not a lecture, not 20 questions, and not accountability.

What we need is an angel to speak into our hearts.

Why You Shouldn’t Respond When A Difficult
Student Has A Good Day
by Michael Linsin on January 25, 2014

When a difficult student has a good day it’s normal

to want to reward them for it.

You’ve just witnessed behavior you’ve been hoping and praying for all year, and you
want to seize the moment.

You want to make it special and memorable.

You want them to feel good about their accomplishment and start believing that they
really can do it, that they really are capable of following your class rules.
So you rifle through your cabinets looking for an award or certificate you can present
them. You dig into your prize box. You rush to their side and excitedly share how happy
and proud of them you are and how wonderful they behaved that day.

And it all feels so good and so right.

But the truth is, the best response you can offer a difficult student after a good day is no
response at all.

Here’s why:

Good behavior is its own reward.

When you reward students for good behavior they become externally motivated. They
begin to view anything and everything positive they do as work they deserve to be paid
for. They become blinded to the truth that good behavior is a reward unto itself.
It’s an expectation that is beneficial to them and to the community they’re a part of. For
difficult students in particular, this healthy perspective is hidden from view in a forest of
excessive praise and ginned-up awards.

It’s a “do this and get that” economy that is manipulative and hurtful to their long-term
success.

It’s empowering.
Real and lasting change only happens when difficult students are intrinsically motivated
to behave. In other words, when it comes of their own volition, and not because they are
offered—implicitly or explicitly—something in return.

When difficult students are allowed to experience success without it being purchased,
the quiet satisfaction vibrates deep within their internal motivational engine.

It gives them the warm feeling of being a regular and valued member of your classroom,
rather than an outcast who needs bribes and special attention just to get through the
day.

A True Reward
Although they may smile, they may even be excited to receive a cool pencil or toy
or special recognition, if you look closely you’ll find sadness behind the eyes. Because it
cheapens their good day. It puts a price tag on the priceless.
It replaces the intrinsic with the extrinsic.

That isn’t to say that you should shun or ignore difficult students after a good day. You’ll
just treat them like everyone else. You’ll joke with them, smile at them, and enjoy their
company.

You’ll support the wonderful feeling of being a regular student—just one of the girls or
boys. You’ll allow them to experience a reward that is honest and abiding and can’t be
purchased for any price.
You’ll restore their self-respect. You’ll remove the labels they carry with them like so
many overstuffed backpacks. You’ll pave the way for the rest of your class to see them in
a new light.

But most important, you’ll empower them to start seeing themselves differently.

Instead of a weak constitution, tossed about, manipulated, and cheaply bought, they can
begin envisioning their future. They can see possibilities where before there were none.
They can feel their dreams power up and surge like a tidal wave.

Maybe a day or so later you’ll catch them looking at you—knowingly, appreciatively. No

words need to be exchanged. No explanations offered or needed. For how do you
describe the view from the summit of Mount Everest?

But you want to acknowledge the start of something special, of true improvement in
behavior.

So you approach and reach out your hand.

And they reach back and shake it.