Poems and Quotes

Leighah Beadle -Darcy Dip Coun; Dip Dance Therapy; BA(Hons), MA;
MBACP
January 2015

“Our Journey In Life Makes Us Who We Are Today”

“Leighah’s role with SEED Eating Disorder Support Services is that of a facili-
tator, a therapist and an Advisor and Consultant. She does a tremendous job
for SEED and without her many people would not benefit from her dedicat-
ed approach to Eating Disorders. We support Leighah’s Poem Booklet and
hope that you enjoy reading them too.”.
Introduction
This collection of poetry is taken from the poems I wrote when I went through Anorexia as a ballet
dancer in my late teens and early 20s. These particular poems were written during the height of the
Anorexia and the coming out of it at the age of 20-21. I was fortunate that I never reached a stage of
hospitalisation, but decided to recover before there was the possibility of reaching this stage.

I was a healthy young woman and dancer, until one day a ballet teacher said I was 'too big' for classi-
cal ballet. I was confused and told her that I am 5 feet 4 and a half, which is within the required height
for ballet, so that is not too big. She explained to me that it was not that sort of 'too big', but to do
with my weight, and explained I would make a good modern ballet dancer though as they don't have
to be a tiny and thin. I was not overweight, and was lean, athletic and svelte, but was not the
body size she was telling me about for classical ballet. I was devastated and in a dilemma. I wanted to
dance classical ballet most of all and had put in so much work in my ballet classes. What was I to do?
Keep as I was and give up the dream? Or change my body size and lose some weight to live the
dream? I decided to go on a diet...but not an unhealthy one. I lost some weight, but then decided to
lose a bit more 'just in case', and then I moved the goal post further. I wanted the 'ideal ballet body', I
wanted to be 'the perfect ballet dancer', technically, artistically and physically. I have perfectionistic
traits and these can be used adaptively or maladaptive. After a while, I began to abuse laxatives and
be sick, as a person cannot keep up restricting food without entering the opposite and bingeing at
times. It is a natural reaction to restricting food, but I panicked about the binges, and so would take
laxatives, be sick or over exercise to 'compensate'. What was a simple diet to lose a bit of weight for
the ballet dream had turned into a distressing eating disorder. My dancing was affected at times by
the eating disorder. The dream was going wrong. I decided to recover.

Part of my way through was writing, as writing and poetry is natural to me and I have written poetry
since childhood. I was able to express my feelings, my struggles and also try and make sense of what
was going on. Out of this came this collection. The poems are honest accounts of some of my strug-
gles. The
perfection issues, control, and drive to be the perfect dancer, the wanting to be the ideal dancer, the
conflict of my Eating Disordered behaviours and my healthy logic.

The poem 'Spilling Over' is written by a client of mine, Sabah (who has given me permission to use her
poem and her name), who suffers from an Eating Disorder. The poem will resonate with many people
I am sure. I wanted to include it as I saw the potential in it to help people identify with Sabah's experi-
ence. I thank her for allowing me to include her poem.

I still dance and I am also a dance therapist, psychotherapist/counsellor, researcher and writer. My
weight is healthy, and I am free from issues around food and weight. Occasionally I have a thought
about how much or not I possess the 'ideal dancer body' and how being a dancer is a significant part
of my identity and history. However, I do not feel the need to take the measures I did all those years
ago. The dance world and society still have a long way to go in modelling a more healthy way. Part of
my vocation is to help to do that through my work and what I can give.
 ‘SPILLING OVER’
Vacant eyes and
wandering minds
causes skipped heart
beats. Trailing voices
Trial to silence and
A nothingness that
Scream in quiet whispers
Of spilling over.
Spilling over designated lines
Hitting a maximum word count
Time up, shush, quieten down
Your lines, your lines
Become too long and
You spill over
Spill over
Live like this
Hold self tight
Must sit within
This cage of lines
Yet nothing you do
is ever quite enough
Vacant eyes
Will not leave you alone
You, my dear,
Are a paradox
Of lines uncrossed
Yet spilling over
Fear grips you
A reality sinks
Too much yet not enough
Whatever you do
It will spill over
Sabah Yasin
October 2014
Spilling Over
This opening poem is by a client of mine, who has given me
permission to use her name and identity along with the
poem. She wrote the poem during a workshop of Creativity
that I was facilitating at SEED. I was moved by her poem
and amazed at her talent. 'Spilling Over' speaks of feeling
'too much and not enough', which can be translated in
many ways of being. Thank you to Sabah for allowing me
to share this poem.
I wonder………
I wonder
I wonder who I would be,
were I not what I am now?
I wonder who I would be
or whether I would know
who I am at all?
I wonder if I would be
what I fear most?
I wonder if I would be
what I hope for most?
Not set back in my track,
but moving forward.
Life takes its course
and we steer the wheel .
But we cannot control the en-
gine-
that is in higher hands.
How did I get to where I am
now? - Leighah Darcy 1994/5
'I Wonder' came about from me contemplating who or what I
might be had I not embarked upon the journey of Anorexia...a
lot of this thought was around what my body would look like,
what my 'natural' size would be, and also how I might be as a
person, and what else I might be doing. During parts of the
Anorexic journey, I often had this parallel desire to find my
natural dancing body size, and whether this would be the
same as what it was before I became Anorexic. What I feared
most at this time was what if my 'natural body' was not suita-
ble for the high level ballet at all, and then what could I do
about my 'dancing dream'?
 The Road to Recovery is hard work and
takes commitment.
‘The Journey Ahead' tells peaks something
of the decision I made to recover from
Anorexia and what this might entail.

‘THE JOURNEY AHEAD’

A Journey lies ahead of me,

‘Trapped’ I can travel it, step back, or remain;

I must do half the toiling,
I feel so alone.
And trapped. I must embark upon some pain.
Liked a caged animal; But there's pleasure from that journey,
knowing that when free,
I can run; For light shines on the path -
I can run free; A hope, a future, happiness,
roam free and be with the others.
Yet as it is, Reason to smile and laugh.
the bars hold me in; The choice is mine to make it,
Limiting my space and movement.
Some pass by: Only I can make that move;
'How beautiful!' they exclaim. Help is there to guide me,
Others reckon I am better off held in,
yet they complain at my raging Counsel, advise and soothe.
behind the bars. Yet the path is hard to conquer,
Lioness behind bars;
yet I don't bite. The journey a struggle and fight;
I'm simply trapped Yet I know that at the outcome
and alone.
Longing to be free. I encounter happiness and 'light'.
If I remain I will go backwards,
Leighah Darcy
1994/5 For there is no standing still,
For sliding down i all that happens
If you don't push up a muddy hill.
'Trapped' tells of feelings of being 'caged in' by the
eating disorder, when the control I thought I had be- The decision I can't quite make yet,
gan to take control of me and I felt alone, as many
begin to feel in the throes of an eating disorder, de-
I must consider how I might cope;
spite support or those that love them. I began to long I need assurance, courage, honesty
to be free again.
before I am take the steps and live my
hope!
Leighah Darcy—1994/95
Sinking…………………...
'Sinking' tells of how I would sink into
I hate the very thought of fat,
feeling more low when I examined my
but only on myself. body and body size in my desire for the
On others, weight can suit them, 'perfect ballet body', to a point where I
be part of them, feared my dream of being a ballet danc-
and I love them. er fading away in the light of how I saw
But I hate it on myself. my body in relation to how the 'ballet
This causes me to body'. The dream seemed to be fading,
but I tried to create some hope.
Sink low;
I was already down,
but now I sink lower down.
The trap of
the
sinking
sand,
drawing me deeper.
Until all I survive on is hope.
Even my dream fade away.

I feel so
alone.
And trapped.
Liked a caged animal;
knowing that when free,
I can run;
I can
run free;
roam free and be with the others.
Yet as it is,
the bars hold me in;
Limiting my space and movement.
Some pass by:
'How beautiful!' they exclaim.
Others reckon I am better off held in,
yet they complain at my raging
behind the bars.
Lioness behind bars;
yet I don't bite.
I'm simply trapped
and alone.
Longing to be free.

Leighah Darcy 1993/4

Fat or Thin Does It Matter? …...

Fat or thin -
Does it matter?
Of course it must.
Which do I want?
Neither.

I don't despise fat and thin people,

so why do I despise myself?
'Diamond and Crystal'
'Perfect'
Am I less worthy than everyone else?
I want to be perfect.
Crystal instead of diamond?
Yet human;
Shiny and pretty;
yet superhuman;
supermodel. sufficient for some things;
Yet not. but next to diamond,
less brilliant.
Yet when my figure I described as 'perfect', Or forgotten.
I get annoyed Even if I set myself in gold,
and worried it is obvious I am still crystal.
and upset. Crystal cannot turn to diamond.
So why hope?
“The perfect figure' -
That means not thin doesn't it?
But I don't want to be thin. I wish there were someone
Or actually do I? who preferred Chrystal to diamond.
Chrystal can be beautiful;
'Slim' - does slim mean perfect? Chrystal clear.
Slim is not thin, Diamond is checked for flaws;
therefore I must be fat. Chrystal is not.
Yet I know I am not.
'Perfect' or 'Ideal', So why am I?
any more would be 'excess', I want to be precious,
Fat. but am only semi-precious.
Yet what is wrong with fat? I shall polish myself;
I don't despise people who are fat, And even though not as worthy,
I don't despise people who are thin, I will outshine the diamonds.
yet why do I despise my own body? Until I am preferred.
Or at least admired as much.
Leighah Darcy 1994/5
Leighah Darcy 1994/95

Fat or Thin Does It Matter
I began to question how much it really matters about weight,
regardless of the ballet issue. 'Fat or Thin: Does it Matter?' came
from my musings about this and about how I wanted my body to
be and some of the paradoxes.
'Diamond and Crystal' speaks of the percep-
tion I held of myself of knowing I had some
beauty and talent, but felt a 'deficiency' in
comparison to selected others. I decided to
'polish' my talents, my physique, my looks
further to reach a 'higher standard'. Of
course, I was giving in to my perfectionism in
an unhealthy way.
‘Authenticity’ of who I am has long been important to me. And 'Conflict'
yet I have often had an 'ideal self'. Sometimes parts of this might
have matched who I authentically am, and sometimes not. In the
I know,
following poem, a lot of my thought was around my physical
I understand.
body and what was 'authentic' to me and what was 'ideal' as in my
I know,
desire for the 'ideal ballet body'. It extended beyond the physical, yet I do not
of course, and the paradox and conflict was despite my 'ideal, I understand.
had a drive towards simply desiring to be my authentic self. I
now realise the highest 'ideal' is my 'authentic' self, whether in- Words without action.
cluding the 'ideal ballet body' or not! If this means I am not per- Action without control.
mitted into a desired dance company, then I would have choices Without control
to consider, and decision to make. over that which I control.

Scared.
Confused.
'Ideal Self vs Authentic Self' Alone.
What next?
Just wanting to be me,
What I want
yet wanting to be others. is not what I want.
I want half,
Searching for myself - but not the other half.

Sometimes a long, tedious journey; I cannot go on,

yet I must.
Yet sometimes an eye-opening revela- Struggle,
tion. Struggle as I might,

Trying to create a character - I must go on.

Observing and loving the traits of others, Yet why don't I go in the healthy
direction?
and planning their likeness. Because I know,
but I cannot control.
Careful self-monitoring.
I understand,
Wanting to be like them; yet I am trapped.
I know,
Yet journeying simply to be yet I reject the knowledge.

myself.—Leighah Darcy 1994/5 Why?

Because I must.
Leighah Darcy—1994/5
The 'Conflict'.
Knowing what I the healthy way forward, understanding the is-
sue, and yet feeling 'driven' towards keeping the control and
keeping the Anorexia. Understanding the conflict, wanting to be
free from the Anorexia, and yet feeling compelled to keep on with
it. This was what was going on behind the writing of this poem.
'Surviving the Deep , Dark Waters'
From deep dark waters flow tears of pain.
Inexpressible anguish hiding behind smiles.
Yet somehow not succeeding.
Drop by Drop the tears are released,
until the film can hold them no more.
Gushing forth
with a power that causes pain;
drowning all happiness,
which somewhere must be buried.
‘Surviving Deep Dark Waters’
The following poem speaks of the deep,
dark and painful waters of my journey
back then, the hiding behind smiles, yet
knowing I was not succeeding to appear
OK. I was deeply aware of my inner life,
and this poem is an honest expression of
what was going on for me at the time of
writing.

Such weakness, fatigue, sighing.

The fountain of happiness which once bathed the child,

is now a torrent of acid water;
stinging the child,
overwhelming her.
Yet she cannot swim.
She closes her eyes
and flusters
around;
searching for a hand.

The torrent becomes

a whirlpool, sucking her in.
She keeps on reaching and searching.

A hand takes hers;

she must hold tight too.
She's scared;
if one lets go,
she drowns.
The current gets stronger
the sky overhead gets darker;
her body gets heavier
her mind gets weaker;
her eyes get tired

One is only left to wonder

whether she will survive.
Leighah Darcy 1994/5
'Perfection' Perfection speaks for itself about the desire for perfection and the
control I wanted to keep to reach this so-called 'perfection' of the
Sad. 'ideal ballet body' and the exquisite ballet technique ability I want-
Depressed. ed to have...along with other things.
Or am I being extreme?

Low.
Lacking self-worth.
Guilty.

I know I could do more.

What stops me?
Perfection
Perfection
Perfection.

Scared of trying too hard

as that eliminates excuses.

Self-control.
That's a desire;
I live in hope of it.
But the flesh is weak.
I understand that more now.
But it's difficult to accept.
I long for the day when
I am in control

Totally.

Is it possible?
Will that day ever come?
I live in hope.
But if I knew it would not
I would rather die.
But I hate
running away.

I want to be strong.
Strong and in control.

That is success,
along with the rest.
I think when we
strip all bare,
there is a hope,
a desire,
even a need.
for perfection.
Leighah 1994/5
I wrote '10 Ways to Love Yourself' last year, and my aim I to encourage myself and others with it. It may be
that you cannot always do all or even many of them, but even one is a start and may make a big difference
to your life. Your life is precious, make the most of it.

10 Ways To Love Yourself

1. Breathe deeply and tell yourself you are alive for a purpose : as long as you are
breathing you are meant to be in this life, physis is in you
2. Take a walk in nature and experience what it is to be part of and connect to the Uni-
verse, to the earth
3. Eat a balanced diet, sleep well, rest when necessary and play without inhibition
4. In as much as possible, find work ...(paid, employed, voluntary, creative) that you
enjoy and which nourishes you
5. Take time to read works from authentic people on Love, Creativity and Self Develop-
ment
6. Learn to nurture both the child and the adult within you...seek assistance on this if
necessary
7. Express yourself creatively (whatever that means for you) - you have a right to be
heard
8. Learn to say 'No' when you need to
9. Learn to recognise (and silence) your inner critic
10. Take a risk (within wisdom) to receive Love

Leighah Beadle-Darcy February 2014