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MirthTome 9/10/2010

A generous helping of Smile Lubricant

Leo Ramakers

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In the middle of 1994 I started work with Soft Tech. I looked pretty flash with my suit and tie.
During the interview I related the following story to John Ball, the director interviewing me.
A bloke gets sent to St. Peter at The Gate. St. Peter finds that the bloke has an equal
number of demerit points as bonus points, and St. Peter offers the bloke a choice of Heaven
or hell. Being an engineer, the bloke chooses caution and asks to view each locale. “Sure
thing”, replies St. Peter, “Elevator is just here, step on in”. The bloke pushes the capital H
button, and steps out into Heaven. White clouds, angels on stars, soft new age music. About
what he expected.
He presses the ‘h’ button and gets
whisked down to hell. He sees a
beach, a couple of fast V8 cars,
babes in cute bikinis. Heavy metal
music,bikes. Perfect.
‘I wanna go to hell, Saint Peter’. “Well
OK, but your choice is final, there is
no going back”. ‘OK St. Peter, I
wanna go NOW’.
He is whisked right down, the doors
open to a black, hot, stinking spot
with a couple of Samoan type
bouncers, who drag him out of the lift
and toss him into the shit.
‘Hey, this aint what I just saw’!.
I told John that what he was seeing
was my pre-sales demo, which I think
made him nervous enough of me to
propose an initial task to see if we
liked each other. The initial task was
to set up Soft Tech’s first in house
network, which I did. The computers
worked just fine, problem was that the
people refused to use the facilities. To encourage the use of the Email I posted a joke every
day. I figured I knew enough jokes for maybe 2 weeks. But some months later, on full time
Soft Tech payroll, and working away on the new CAD system, I was abused any day I didn’t
send a ‘joke du jour’.
I fact I kept the tradition up even while circumnavigating the planet, and on my return to Soft
Tech (they even hired me a second time- good pre sales demo I guess) I published a
collection which I called the ‘Chuckle Factory’.
A brief encounter with a microencephalated inebriant at the start of ’96 left me recuperating
long term, which has resulted in this new incarnation of my joke file. I have added some
graphics by Hal Robinson, who worked for Easyriders magazine, and who passed away in
1984. His work is by far the most appealing to the inner biker in me, and I hope it meets with
your approval. If not, this tome can be pressed into service for emergency loo paper, given
appropriate origami skills.
I recommend that you take only one or two jokes at a time, and try to tell someone else the
ones that appeal. You will be competing with the canned-laughter of the mass media, and will
illicit more groans than smiles, but the ability to make a friend smile is a greater gift than any
number of other riches. Finally, keep mindful of one of John F Kennedy’s thoughts, “I need
this parade like I need a hole in the head”.
Smile. Leo Ramakers

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A Lemon Tree
It seems that Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson had
discovered that they truly loved each other, rather than
the rather colourless women they had been involved with
previously. So, they decided to consumate their love.
As it happens, they were in bed together, and Watson
was quite surprised to discover Holmes was using lemon
curd as a lubricant.
When he asked about it, Holmes replied, "Lemon entry,
my dear Watson."

Cook gone
A woman is about to get married for the 4th time. Her friend asks what she is going to
wear. ‘Why, pure white with lots of lace, of course’. "But how can you wear white,
you've been married three times before?" ‘Those marriages were never
consummated. My first husband was a lawyer and all he wanted to do was talk about
it. My second husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was examine it.
And my third husband was a gourmet chef, and I really miss him.’

Big dick
An Irishman steps into the Gents' for a piss when he notices that the bloke beside
him has a humungous cock. "Oi, me man," he says, "'ow'd yer get a John Thomas
loik dat?"
The chap beside him says, "Oim a leprechaun, and don't ye know we've all got great
big dicks? You could have one yersel' if ye'd loik me to work some magic."
The bloke thinks about this a moment then says, "Well, me laddie, Oim on fer dat,
what do Oi 'ave ter do?"
The other chap says, "First, me wee lad, jest drop yer tweedies an' turn aroun'." The
bloke reckons this is pretty weird magic, but he does it anyway. "Now, me fine young
chappie," says the wee man, rubbing his hands, "Ye have ter step up ter the basin
an' bend yerself over it." At this stage the bloke's Catholicism's causing him a few
problems, but he reckons it's worth a few Hail Marys to get a dick the size of a
leprechaun's so he bends over the basin.
"An' foinally, the real magic," says the little chap behind him. "All you've got ter do is
let me fook yer in t'arse."
The bloke's pretty much resigned to this, so he just tries to switch his mind off as the
other chap pounds away and concentrates instead on how good it's going to be to
have a great big dick.
"Ah, boi t'way," says a voice behind him, "how old moight yer be, laddie?"
"T'irty four," gasps the bloke.
"T'irty four, is it?" says the other chap. "An' yer still believe in leprechauns?"

That’s white
Two zebras were debating whether they were black with
white stripes or white with black stripes. So they asked
the lion, who suggested they climb the mountain and ask

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God told them “you are what you are”.

Confused they consulted the lion. “Aha, you are white with black stripes”. ‘How do
you know that?’.
“If you were black he would have said “yo is wot yo is”.

Self help
Wanking is like playing bridge: if you’ve got a good hand you don’t need a partner

Lying down
No longer a virgin, but wise
she managed a miscarriage disguise
more verbal than surgical art
she mentally refurbished the part
by constructing a tissue of lies

Ubangi Upayee
The plumber on a domestic job noticed that the lady of the house was cute, and by
mid-afternoon they were screwing. On hearing a car arrive the wife said that the
husband would be away that night, so the plumber could return later.
“What, on my own time?”

When the sultan entered his harem unexpectedly his wives let out a terrified sheik

Sea maid
A plumber one night feeling free
was plumbing his girl by the sea
said the maid ‘quick stop plumbing
I hear someone coming’
Said the plumber, still plumbing, ‘it’s me’

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Bad fit
Two electricians walking home. “As soon as I get home I’m going to rip off my wife’s
nickers”. …‘Why’.
“Elastics too tight”.

Time is nature’s way of stopping everything from happening at once. (Woody Allen)

Bad acting
In the year 2025, an actor has an identical clone made, to do the dangerous stunts.
He lives with the clone in his fancy apartment, but one day he finds the clone
exposing his privates to the media, so the actor throws him off the balcony. The
police arrested him on a charge of making an obscene clone fall.

Wee Dram
A couple of Scottish immigrants bumped into each other after 25 years in downtown
Auckland. “Lets have a drink, like we last did in Glasgow”. ‘Aye lad, but remember, its
Your shout’.

Well bred
Walking into an empty Russian bread shop, the woman asked for vegetables. The
shopkeeper said “We have no bread. The shop with no vegetables is around the

hair to throne
Prince Charles was opening the Mangaweka Old Folks home, and was dressed real
proper, except for a silly fur cap. When asked about it, the prince said he had told his
mum about the function, and she had said ‘Mangaweka, wear the fox hat’.

A couple of crayfish in a restaurant aquarium. He figures it’s their last night alive and
suggests a final screw. “Yes, but will you still respect me in the mornay?”

Sticky monopoly
In a poor, rural farming province of China, a gas station sold its gas for 150 yen per
liter. Those few who had cars often would barter their produce for the gas, instead of
paying in cash. This worked, provided the gas station manager allowed it, since, he
couldn't always use the motley collection of foodstuffs that would come in. A local
cook, Chef Po, was renowned for a special heavy cream sauce, which he sold for
one yen per serving. The manager loved the stuff, and always took Po's goods in
exchange for the fuel.
In time, the manager had to raise the price of gasoline to two hundred yen. Chef Po,
who could ill afford the increase, angrily stormed up to the manager's office door and
protested the price by flinging two hundred spoonfuls of sauce against the door and
walls. When the manager came in later, he saw the mess, and cried, "Who did this?"
The attendant said," It was Po! He was very angry at the price increase. What shall
we do if he comes back?"
The manager looked at him and growled, "Do not gas Po! Do not collect two hundred

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A bloke checks into a Vegas hotel. The bellman hands him his key, and he gives the
bellman a big tip and says, "Listen, can you get me some Italian prostitutes, and send
them up to the room?"
The bellman, says, "Oh, yes, Sir. Right away, Sir."
The bloke says, "Now, they HAVE to be Italian prostitutes, understand? And, send
lots of them."
Little later, girls start appearing at the door of his room. He invites them in. It turns
out that he's a vampire. He drinks their blood and then pushes them off the balcony.
The bellman is going out to get luggage and is hit several times by the falling bodies.
He tells the manager who calls the police. The police arrive and question the bellman,
asking him "What's going on?"

Swap club
A bloke's lying beside his wife in bed when the wife looks at him a bit anxiously.
"Dear," she says, "if... you know, if anything... happened to me, you know, would you
The husband thinks for a moment and says sleepily, "Oh, well... well, yes, I guess...
yes, I would. After a while. A long while. I guess."
The wife sits up and stares at him. "And... and would she... would she sleep... here,
where I'm lying now? And you'd make love to her in our bed?"
The husband's wide awake by now. "Well, honey, I mean, it just wouldn't make sense
to sell a perfectly good bed. So I suppose the answer's 'Yes'. You'd want me to be
happy, after all, wouldn't you?"

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The wife mutters, "Yes, of course," but she's not really with it. Instead she's looking
thoroughly distracted and alarmed.
At last she says, "Well, darling, would you let her use my _golf clubs_?"
"No, sweetie," says the husband. "She's left-handed."

Sweet music
There's an unemployed musician/songwriter desperate for a job. He sees an ad in a
paper for a piano player to entertain in a local bar and goes along to apply. He sees
the manager and explains why he's there. "To be honest", says the manager
scratching his head, you're the only applicant, so if you can play the job's yours". "No
problem" says the musician, "I'll give you a demo". So he goes over to the piano and
starts playing. Well, he starts off on a beautiful piece of music and effortlessly plays
away for five minutes. The manager can't believe his ears. The guy is magnificent.
When he stops the manager says, "That was marvellous, you're brilliant! what was
the piece called?".
"Well you won't have heard it before", replies the musician, "it's one of my own
compositions. That's really one of my hang-ups - I only ever play my own music, I
won't play anything else".
"That's not a problem", says the manager, "that was a lovely piece, what do you call
it?". "Well, that's called 'Stick It Up Your Arse with a Great Big Dingle Mrs. Brown'
actually", the musician replies, with pride. Somewhat taken aback, the Manager says,
"Well, I'm not sure I like the title but the music was nice. I think I'd better hear another
piece though, to see what your other stuff sounds like. Can you play something
else?" "Sure" says the musician, and away he goes on another piece, even better
than the first. This was just brilliant. The manager is spellbound. He closed his eyes
and allows himself to be carried away with the melody. At the end of it the manager
said, "That was fabulous! The most beautiful music I think I've ever heard, what was
that one called?".
"Oh", replies the musician, "I call that one 'Grab Ya Big Titties, Swing Them in the
Air, Bounce Them off Your Arsehole While I Fuck You From the Rear'". Quite
shocked this time the manager doesn't know what to say for a minute. The guy plays
magnificently but he can't believe the titles. "Look", he finally says, "I'll give you the
job, but you're not to tell anyone the titles to your music - a deal?" Of course the
musician needs the job, and agrees readily. He starts that night. He's in the nightclub
playing away beautifully for about two and a half hours. The punters are blown away
and applaud enthusiastically every time he finishes a piece. Well, eventually the
musician has to go to the dunny, so off he goes and comes back after five minutes.
As he walks back across the stage to his piano a lot of people are giggling and
pointing. As he nears the instrument some wag yells out "Hey, mate, do you know
your fly's undone and your big ugly cock's hanging out and dribbling piss all over the
floor?". "Know it?" sneers the musician, seating himself and cracking his fingers, "I
only wrote the bastard last week!"

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Sad Tale
There's this dog, and every night he's with his owner down at the pub. One night he
gets killed, run over outside by a truck while he popped out to take a piss. The dog
gets to the Pearly Gates and knocks. St. Peter opens up. "Can I come in?" asks the
dog. "Nope," says St. Peter. "Why not?" asks the dog. "Well, you're not whole",
replies the Saint. "Your tail's missing". Looking back at his rump the dog realises that
it must have got detached in the accident - a little detail he'd missed at the time. "Ok"
says the dog, "I'll pop back and get it then". So the dog returns as a ghost, and
arrives to find its just closed, however being a ghost he walks straight through the
door up to the barman who's busy cleaning glasses. "Excuse me, but I got killed on
the road the other day and I need to get my tail put back on. Have you got it?". The
barman looks at the dog and replies "I'm sorry, we don't retail spirits after hours.

A chap wanders into a bar with a pet monkey on his shoulder. The monkey is quite
cheeky, and steals a complimentary grape from the bar. The barman demands that
the monkey desists, so the bloke moves over to a group of golfers. The monkey

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again causes trouble by stealing and swallowing a golf ball. So the bloke moves away
to the pool table. Once again the monkey causes trouble, stealing and swallowing the
8 ball. So the barman throws the two out.
Some days later the bloke and his monkey return, and once again the monkey steals
a grape from the bar. This time however, the monkey inserts the grape into it’s butt,
withdraws it, and eats it. The bloke explains to the curious barman “he’s just checking
it for size”.

There was a rogue pirate who preyed on Spanish galleons and divested them of their
treasure. Eventually his boat was so overladen that it couldn’t corner well (a prime
requirement for pirating), so he buried the gold in the waterline of a deserted desert
He went back to collect it in his old age and panicked, he couldn’t find it. After months
of searching he vowed he would give it one more day, and then go back to the Old
Pirates Home. As he was dejectedly leaving the water for the last time he banged his
leg on a submerged object which turned out to be his treasure.
Thus proving that booty is only shin deep.

A bloke touring Spain went to a bull fight, and overheard two locals raving about the
evening special at a local restaurant. So he went there for tea, and ordered the
special. “Si senor, cojones, just tonight’. He was given two meat patties, quite sharp
tasting but the left him feeling uncharacteristically virile (he was a pom you see).
Asking about the dish he was told it was a local delicacy, the testicles of the bull, and
was warned that the young girls in the village would chase him all night.
Two months later he went to another bull fight, same restaurant, and ordered more
cojones. This time the dish was much smaller, so he complained. “Ah senor the bull
he does not always lose!”.

Goalie Host
A man is walking down the street in Dublin when he hears a woman screaming and
detects a faint smell of burning in the air. He runs down the street and around a
corner and sees a huge group of people standing watching a blazing building. On the
tenth floor of the building a woman, clutching a bundle to her chest, is leaning out of a
window screaming for someone to save her baby.
The man steps forward and calls up to the woman, "Throw down your baby and I'll
catch it!" "No! No!" the woman shouts back. "You might miss or drop my baby and
she'll be killed!" "No I won't!" shouts the man.
"I am Alec Maguire. I'm the goalkeeper for Ireland's national football team. I've never
missed a match in ten years and in all that time I have never let the ball into my net."
"What? Not once?" calls the woman.
"No!" shouts back the man. "Not once. Every football player in the world agrees that I
am the best goalkeeper there has ever been".
And with that he adopts the classic goalkeepers stance - legs apart and slightly bent
at the knees, body slightly bent forward at the waist and with his arms stretched
downwards at a slight angle away from his body, with palms facing forward.
"OK!" screams the woman. "I'll trust you. I've no choice! Here she comes!" So, with
the flames roaring all around her, the woman throws the baby from the window.
However, the edge of the baby's shawl catches on the woman's watch with the result
that the child goes spinning off to one side, tumbling head over heels and with her

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little arms and legs flailing. The woman screams and the crowd gasps, all sure that
the baby will perish because she will fall out of reach of the man.
The man remains motionless as the child descends, spinning and tumbling further
and further away from him as she comes. Then when the baby is only feet from
hitting the ground the man dives a full 30 feet across the pavement, catches the baby
in his outstretched right hand, pulls her in towards his chest and shields her body with
his left hand and arm. He hits the ground heavily on his right side and lies motionless
on the pavement for a few seconds. Then, slowly, he raises himself to his feet and
turns to face the crowd and everyone sees that the child is alive. The crowd is awe-
struck. Then the crowd erupts with cheers and the woman, still in danger herself,
nearly faints with relief. The man, still clutching the child to his chest in his right arm,
waves to the crowd of onlookers to acknowledge their appreciation. Then, slowly and
gracefully, he turns away from them, bounces the baby twice on the ground, and
kicks her 60 yards down the road.

Test case
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly
hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started
to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another,
he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches...."."The bad news is that it will require
castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up
against the base of your spine.
The pressure creates one hell of a
headache. The only way to relieve
the pressure is to remove the
Joe was shocked and depressed.
He wondered if he had anything to
live for. He couldn't concentrate
long enough to answer, but
decided he had no choice but to go
under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind
was clear, but he felt like he was
missing an important part of
himself. As he walked down the
street, he realised that he felt like a
different person. He could make a
new beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men's clothing
store and thought, "That's what I
need, a new suit'" He entered the
shop and told the salesman, "I'd
like a new suit." The salesman
eyed him briefly and said, "Let's
see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "that's right, how did you know?" "It's my job" said the salesman.
Joe tried on the suit, it fitted perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the
salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said,
"Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe and said "Let's see... 34 sleeve and .... 16+ neck".
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?". "It's my job" said the salesman.
Joe tried on the shirt and it fitted perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror,
the salesman asked, "What about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said "Sure".

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The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let me see ... 9+ wide." Joe was
astonished, "That's right, how did you know." "It's my job". Joe tried on the shoes
and they fitted perfectly. He walked around the shop and the salesman said, "How
about a new hat?"
Without hesitating Joe said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let
me see ... 7 5/8."
Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know." "It's my job."
The hat fitted perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How
about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said "Sure."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said "Let me see ... size 36." Joe
laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old". The salesman shook his
head "You can't wear a size 34, it would press your testicles up against the base of
your spine and give you one hell of a headache." .....

Holy hole
The seven dwarfs are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city. After a while they go
to the Vatican and meet the pope. Grumpy, for once, seems to have a lot to say; he
keeps asking the pontiff questions about the church, and in particular, nuns.
"Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?"
"No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall."
"Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height?
Maybe a little shorter?"
"I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?"
"No reason." Pause. "Positive? Nobody in a habit that's about three feet tall, two
and a half feet tall?"
"I'm sure."
Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the pope wonders why. So he listens to the
dwarfs as they leave the building.
"What'd he say? What'd he say?" chant the other six dwarfs.
Grumpy says, "He said they don't have any." And the other six start chanting,
"Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!".

Bad turn
A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She says to the bus driver she is
very ill and wants to experience sex before she dies. The bus driver agrees to
accommodate her, but the nun explains that she can't have sex with anyone who is
married as that would be a sin. The bus driver says No problem, he is not married.
The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so she will have to take it in the ass. The
bus driver agrees again. Being the only two on the bus, they go to the back of the
bus and take care of business. When they were done, and he had resumed driving,
he said "Sister, I have a confession to make. I am married and have three children".
The nun replies: "Thats OK. I have a confession too: My name is Dave, and I am on
my way to a costume party".

Now and Zen

Q: What did the Zen master say to the hot-dog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything...

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Good Turn
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of
the corner of his eye. It says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10
MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a
second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real.
When he drives past a third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF
PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into
the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to
the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The
door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you,

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my son?" He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in
possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun
stops at a closed door, and tells the man "Please knock on this door."
He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and
holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through
the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and
places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through
the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself
back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

Home Maid
What is the difference between a milk maid and a stripper;
The milkmaid is Fair and Buxom. (and the stripper is bare and fucks some)

Grave concerns
Using sensitive listening equipment they discovered Beethoven’s grave was emitting
melodies, and concluded it was the man de-composing.

A young novice nun was assigned her first chore at the convent; she had to keep the
steps clean. But the pigeons spoiled her work by depositing their guano all over the
clean steps, so she took to chasing them off, waving her broom and shouting 'FUCK
OFF, FUCK OFF'. The priest, on seeing this, complained to the mother superior, who
took the girl aside and said to her "my dear, all you have to shout is SHOO-SHOO
and you will find they soon fuck off".

Fair go
The bachelor approached the blonde at the bar; "are you with anyone?". 'Yes, I'm
with anyone'.

The two old folks decided to have sex, and after taking off her blouse she said "Oh I
have acute angina"
'Well I hope it's prettier than those tits!'

No Reply
Athiests have set up an 0800 Dial-a-prayer line. When you call, nobody answers.

Meat here
A sign in an african tribal takeaway shop;

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When asked why the politician cost so much the chef answered; "you ever tried to
CLEAN one?"

Jack off?
Michael Jackson when he was married to Lisa Marie -They were home one night and
bored with each other so Lisa Marie said:-"Let's get a video and watch a movie".
Michael replied: "How about "ALLADIN" !!!!
Lisa: "No Michael - let's get a video"

Plant food
Three Friars were banished from their monastery for various rule infractions, so they
decided to start a business together. They traveled around until they found a town
they liked and opened up a plant shop. Their floral business was soon thriving.
One day a woman was shopping at the Friar's store and while she was strolling down
an aisle with her toddler, a large plant reached out, grabbed her child and ate it.
Needless to say the woman was quite upset at the loss of her child. However, the
Friars refused to believe that one of their plants could have done such a thing. The
woman told all of her friends and soon everyone in town was in an uproar. They
decided to kick the Friars out of town. Every person in the town, except for a man
named Hugh gathered outside the Friars shop, shouting, waving sticks, and
demanding that they leave. But the Friars said "No. We're not leaving." So the
towns people gave up and went home.
Well, a couple of weeks later, another woman was walking through the Friars shop
looking at plants with her baby, when a plant grabbed her child and ate it. She ran
through the streets screaming that a plant has swallowed her baby. The
townspeople were outraged and again gathered outside the Friar's shop (except
Hugh) and demanding that the Friars leave town at once. But the Friars said "No
way!" and the people left.
A few days later, yet another woman dared to take her child into the floral shop. She
held her child tightly in her arms but it was no use. A large ficus wrestled the child
from her arms and ate it.
When the townspeople heard of this they were extremely upset. They again
gathered outside the Friar's shop (except Hugh) yelling, screaming and threatening
bodily harm to the Friars if they didn't leave town. But the Friars said "We're staying."
So the citizens gave up and began to go home.
Just then, Hugh showed up. He walked up to the Friars and said "Get out of town,
now!" The Friars immediately packed up all their belongings and fled that very day,
never to be heard from again.
The moral of the story is: Only Hugh can prevent florist Friars.

Heist time
Monty Stein, in the year 3047, committed quite a heist and made off with quite a tidy
sum. He was eventually caught, and the judge sentenced him to seven years
imprisonment. However, the night before his impending incarceration, he calmly set
his time machine for seven years and one day, and stepped through.
When he emerged in 3054, there was quite an uproar. Prosecution maintained that
Monty Stein never actually served the sentence, since effectively no time passed for
him. Defense stated that the effect was basically the same, since he lost seven years
of living in society, or something to that effect. Both sides called each other names
(as lawyers are wont to do).

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Eventually, Stein was set free. Some say that the judge succumbed to peer pressure;
others said that he simply couldn't resist the temptation. For his decision, in full, was:
"A niche in time saves Stein."

Did you hear about the insomniac agnostic dyslexic?; he would lie awake all night,
wondering "Is there a dog?"

No Sympathy
There was a court case where the plaintiff, who complained of sodomy, declared his
profession as a member of the NZSO. (NZ sympathy orchestra). On hearing this the
judge rapped his gavel and declared 'Case Dismissed'.
"Why?" asked the prosecutor.
'I've heard them, and they all need fucking'

Feline OK
A biker, down on his luck, decided that in order to get another beer he needed to win
a bet with the barman. So he bet that his willie was longer than the pub cat's tail.
After the measurement the barman said 'you lose by two inches, be off' "hold on" said
the biker, "where did you begin measuring from?"
'from his ringpeice of course'
"well would you give me the same courtesy?"

Pig Out
A city type was being shown around his cousins farm, and he notices a pig with one
missing hind leg. So he enquires, ‘what happened to the pig?’ “Oh christ mate, thats
a good pig. Once me tractor fell over and the pig ran to the house, dialled 111, then
led the ambulance to where I was. Once I was welding the car and the shed caught
fire, and the pig dragged me out by me feet”. ‘great!, what happened to his leg’. “Oh
christ you dont eat a pig that good all at once!”

Bride before the

The french groom was so exhausted by the wedding ceremony he went to sleep the
moment his feet hit the pillow.

One Patrick Whack was promoted to Loan Arranger (no, not on the silver horse…) at
his local bank. One day an Italian visited him wanting a loan, and offering a priceless
diamond studded vase as a collateral. On seeing the piece Mr. Whack checked with
his boss, describing the piece as ‘some nick knack’. Realising it’s value, the manager
retorted “nick knack Paddy Whack? Give the wog a loan”.

She noted that her boyfriend was not a Sensitive New Age Guy, more like a Caring
Understanding Nineties Type.

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Far to long
Abdul Farouk was in an arab bazaar one day, suffering from indigestion, when he
passed an enormous fart. He was so embarrassed that he packed his camel and left,
to wander the desert for decades. At last as an old man he returned to the town of his
youth, thinking his indiscretion must be forgotten by now. He noticed they had
erected street lights, and asked a local trader how long they had been there. “Oh that
must be nearly 35 years ago, the year after Abdul Farouk farted”.

At a recent gourmet festival a winner was declared after eating 9 plates of beans, but
he was disqualified because of a following wind.

An elephant drinking on the Zambesi noticed a turtle sunning itself on the bank. The
elephant wandered over and gave the turtle a serious kick, clear across the river. His
mate said “what did you do that for?”. ‘That turtle took a nip at my trunk 35 years
ago’. “What an amazing memory”.
‘Yes; turtle recall’

Garden hose
A bloke and his wife were going through hard financial times, and were going through
the bills;
HE; you should learn to cook, so we could get rid of the catering.
HE; and you should do the housework so we can lose the maid.
SHE; well you should learn to fuck so we can drop the gardener.

Verging obese
What’s the difference between a fat woman and a virgin;
the fat woman is trying to diet.

Two gays were arrested for riding a bisexual built for two.

ABSENTEE: a missing golf accessory
ADAMANT: the very first insect
ADORN: comes after the darkest hour.
ALIMONY: mistake made by two paid for by one.
ALPHABET: an incomplete wager.
APEX: female gorilla.
AROMATIC: automatic longbow.
AUTOBIOGRAPHY: the car’s log book.
AVAIL: accessory for ugly women.
AWE STRUCK: hit with a paddle.
BADMINTON: cause of bad lamb roast.
BALANCE: what you lose if the bank pushes you.
BARBARIAN: the man who cuts your hair.
BIGAMIST: fog over Italy.
BOXER: stands for the other man’s rights.
BRAZIER: hand warmer.

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BRUSSELS SPROUTS: world famous Belgian statue.

CABBAGE: taxi fare.
CLIMATE: best done with a ladder,
CONDOM: worn on every conceivable occasion.
CONSCIENCE: the part that aches when everything else feels good.
COPULATE: An Italian policeman who does not get to work on time.
DETEST: West Indies playing India.
DIAPHRAGMS: trampolines for dickheads.
ELICTRICIAN: switch doctor.
FASTIDIOUS: ugly girl on motorcycle.
FAUCET: how to fix a stuck tap.
FLOOZIE: sweet girl with the gift of the grab.
GALLERY: hostel for young women.
GAY MILKMAN: dairy queen.
GRANARY: old ladies home.
HEBREW: male teabag.
HENS PARTY: a bunch of birds raving about who is laying whom.
HUMBUG: singing cockroach.
IDOLISE: refuse to look at.
INNUENDO: Italian suppository.
LACTIC: stopped clock.
LESBIAN: Insurmountable odds.
LIABILITY; the ability to lie.
MADAM: one who offers vice to the lovelorn.
MINE SHAFT: Germans description of his penis.
NONDESCRIPT: Kiwi sitcom.
ODIOUS: bad poetry.
ORGY: grope therapy.
PIMP: nookie bookie, or public relations man for public relations girl. Also called
Snatch Purser.
PORNOGRAPHY: cliterature.
PREMATURE EJACULATION: the come before the scorn.
RED RIDING HOOD: Russian condom.
SAGE: a bloke who knows his onions.
SONATA: a song sung by Frank.
SPECIMEN: Italian astronaut.
TEAR JERKER: man who weeps while masturbating.
TRUE LOVE: an injection of affection to the midsection from a projection without
VICE SQUAD: pussy posse.
VICE VERSA: obscene Italian limerick.
VIRGIN: a girl who whispers sweet nothing doings.
WET DREAM: snorgasm.
ANTI-CLIMAX: boregasm.
INCEST: relatively boring.

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they
couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the
afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished they fell asleep and
didn't wake up till 8 o'clock.
They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside
and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she does as he asks (thinking he's pretty
weird). The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door. Upset, she
asks where he's been. The man replies "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are
having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon
making love then fell asleep. That's why I'm late." The wife looks at him, takes notice

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of his shoes and says, "I see those grass stains on your shoes. You've been playing
golf again, haven't you!?"

Heir Spray
A kid and his grandad were playing in the garden, and both ended up watching a
worm crawl out of a hole. The kid said ‘hey Grandad I bet I can get that worm back in
the hole’. “You’re on”, answered the old guy. The kid ran inside and borrowed his
mothers hair spray, and came back out to pick up and spray the worm. The worm
instantly stiffened, after which the kid noodled the worm back in the hole. "Pretty
good”, said the old man, offering the kid a fiver.
Next morning at the breakfast table the old guy handed the kid another fiver. ‘But you
already paid me, grandad’. “That’s from Grandma son”.

A bloke at the doctor showing his damaged pecker: “I was climbing out the window
as the husband arrived and fired a shotgun”. The doctor began writing a name on a
referral slip. “Is he a specialist?”.
‘No he plays a piccolo in the orchestra and he can show you how to hold it when you

Saint Pecker
An old archeologist named Tossel
discovered a marvelous fossil.
He knew from the bend
and the knob at the end,
it was the Peter of Paul the apostle.

Tat you?
A young body builder was showing off his body to a new girl. He showed off his
biceps with NIKE tattooed on them. “They paid me $5000 for that”. Then he took off
his shirt and had SLAZENGER tattooed on his chest. “they paid me $10,000 for this
one”. Eventually he was naked, and on noticing the word AIDS tattooed on his pecker
she got up to leave. “Hey don’t you want to see my ADIDAS tattoo?”.

A lion in the zoo was cleaning himself, and a visitor remarked to a zookeeper, ‘docile
old thing isn’t he?’. The zookeeper disagreed, describing how an Australian had
climbed the fence, and had been devoured by the lion, only half an hour before. ‘But
why is he lying there licking his arse?’
“Trying to get rid of the taste”.

Nurse Aid
A patient was told by the doctor; ‘I have good news and bad news, which do you
want first?’. “Cripes Doc I guess I’d better have the bad news”. ‘Well the tests
indicate you have only 4 weeks to live’. “Hell, whats the good news?”.
The doctor leaned closer and pointed to a nearby nurse, ‘See that blonde with the big
breasts, I’m screwing her tonight’.

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Wouldn’t I?
Once upon a time a man with a wooden eye lived all by himself in an old cottage in a
little town. He was really shy and lonely, he never went out and spent most of his
time pining about how much he would one day like to meet a nice lady to spend the
rest of his life with. One day he saw an advertisement of a dance coming up in his
town and dreamed about going. Finally he plucked up enough courage and decided
to go to it. He put on his best suit and went. At the dance he spent most of it by
sitting by himself in the corner. Eventually the band announced it was the final dance
for the evening. He looked across the room and saw a lady with a hair lip sitting by
herself too, in fact she had hardly moved as well. So he mustered up all the courage
he had and as the band was getting ready to play he walked up to her and asked
"Would you like to have this last dance with me?"
She replied "Wouldn't I, oh wouldn't I!"
‘Don’t call me wooden eye, cunt face’

That hue?
What's the difference between pink and purple?
The tightness of your grip.

Not so cross
A patient is given a tour of the hospital he is about to be admitted to. He is quite
surprised to see a man lying on his back under a sheet, but hey obviously
masturbating. He asks the nurse what is happening. "Oh, that man has genital
blockage." He questions no further and the tour continues. Fifteen minutes later, they
are at the far side of the hospital and he sees a man lying on his back with a nurse
under the sheet giving him a blow job. He asks the nurse what the hell is going on
there. The answer comes back: "He has genital blockage as well, but he has
Southern Cross health insurance".

When Neil Armstrong returned from Apollo 11 he was being interviewed and along
with his famous statement, "One small step for a man," etc., it seems that there were
several other statements that he would make after that which were always somewhat
puzzling. One of those was, "Good Luck, Mr. Gorsky!" People just assumed the
statement was like Jimmy Durante's when he would say, "Good night Mrs.
Kalabash,....". After some prodding by his interviewer, Armstrong consented to tell
this story about when he was 8 or 10 yrs. old. He was playing baseball in the back
lot in right field, and once when he went for a grounder he passed under the window
of a house where there lived a Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. And he heard Mrs. Gorsky
exclaim, "Oral sex?! You want oral sex? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door
walks on the MOON!!

Dogged yank
A farmer's herding his sheep in a roadside paddock when an American tourist drives
up. The tourist steps out of his car and says, "Hiya, buddy - boy, have I got a deal for
you?" The farmer looks at him and chews a bit of grass. Not to be put off, the tourist
comes over, puts a hand on the farmer's shoulder, and says, "I'll bet you fifty bucks
against one of your sheep that I can tell you exactly how big your flock is." The
farmer chews his bit of grass, thinks for a moment, and agrees.
The tourist looks out over the field for a few seconds and says, "579 - right?" The
farmer chews his grass and says, "Well, I dunno how you did it mate, but the sheep's
yours." The tourist winks and says, "It's the natural intelligence of the world's greatest
people, chum - no offence." Then he punches the air, shouts, "Yuss!", gives himself

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the high fives, then picks up the nearest animal and bundles it into the boot of his car.
He's just about to open the driver's door when the farmer leans on the fence and
says, "Er, mate, can I have my dog back?"

Sea you
A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by
throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the wharves, a handsome
young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to
live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my
ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he
slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep
me happy." The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the
sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and
they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search,
she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I
have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I'm going to Europe,
and in return he's screwing me." "He sure is, lady," said the Captain. "This is the
Cook Strait Ferry."

A bloke goes to the doctor; “hey doc I feel great but my friends all tell me I look
terrible”. The doctor consults his almanac; ‘- fells bad, looks bad: nope. Fells bad
looks good - nope. Ah here it is - feels good looks bad …. Your a cunt!’.

The company director was found guilty in a paternity suit, at which the judge
remarked “there is no such thing as a free lunge”

What is the similarity between English beer and making love in a canoe?
Both fucking close to water

Two swallows flying south for the winter, chatting; “bred any good rooks lately?”


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A bloke was mad keen on tractors. He collected em, chromed em, polished em, and
lived for his tractors. Inevitably one day he fell for a tart, and she insisted that she
hated the tractors, and the bloke had to choose between her or the tractors. So he

chose the tart, (now if he was a biker and the choice involved his bike, he would
thank her for simplifying his life and ride happily ever after). One day some time later

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they were having dinner in a posh restaurant, and a fire started in the kitchen,
Casually the bloke wandered up to the kitchen door, and inhaled in one powerful
breath, clearing the smoke and extinguishing the fire.
That was AMAZING!, exclaimed the chef. How did you manage that?
“Well I’m an ex-tractor fan”.

Three kids behind the bike sheds. Kid one boasts “my dad can blow smoke rings”.
Kid two betters him - “My dad can blow smoke rings through his ears!”. Kid three
offers; “My dad can blow smoke rings through his arse, I seen the stains on his

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her
nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and
puts her lover in the closet, as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in
here, isn't it?"
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.
"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect
his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the
driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove
and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in
terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right
now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness", the father explains as he
hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down,
and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that shit in here now," the priest says.

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Rain chat
Two labourers were riding the bus to work in Auckland one morning. In the seat in
front was a pretty young secretary. The jokester of the two (apparently he studied
under the Maori comedian Whiti Riparti) said to his mate; “watch this”. He tapped the
young lady on the shoulder and said “tickle your arse with a feather”. She turned
around indignantly and said ‘I beg your pardon!’. He then said “particularly nasty
weather”. ‘Oh … it certainly is, quite wet’.
The next day the second labourer decided he would try it. As you will see this guy
was not so bright, but you don’t need a PhD in rocket science to bang nails into
wood. The MOT have similar entry criteria, which is why it is safe to greet a traffic
officer with ‘good afterballs cuntsternoon’. But I digress.
This time there was a different pretty young thing in the seat in front. The labourer
tapped her on the shoulder and said “stick a feather up your arse”. She turned
around indignantly and said ‘I beg your pardon!’. He then said “cunt of a day”.

no matter how grouchy you're feeling
you'll find the smile more or less healing
It grows in a wreath
all around the front teeth
thus preserving the face from congealing

There was a young sailor named Bates
who danced the Fandango on skates
but a fall on his cutlass
rendered him nutless
and practically useless on dates

Well Sprung
there was a young Parson named Bings
who talked about God and such things
but his secret desire
was a boy in the choir
with a bottom like jelly on springs

An Argentine gaucho named Bruno
said "there is one thing I do know
a woman is fine
a sheep is divine,
but a Llama is Numero Uno!"

Q: What comes from Russia, doesn't rattle, and doesn't fit up your arse?
A: A Russian arse-rattle.

Lo Alcohol
What is a Claytons wife?
The fuck you have when you don’t want a fuck.

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Bad conductor
On a train to a large computer convention there were a bunch of computer
programmers and a bunch of computer engineers. Each of the programmers had a
train ticket. The group of engineers had only ONE ticket for all of them. The
programmers started laughing, figuring the engineers were going to get caught and
thrown off the train. When one of the engineers, the lookout, said "here comes the
conductor", all of the engineers went into the bathroom. The programmers were
The conductor came aboard, said "tickets please" and got tickets from all the
computer programmers. He then went to the bathroom and knocked on the door and
said "ticket please". The engineers stuck the ticket under the door. The conductor
took it and moved on. A few minutes later the engineers came out of the bathroom.
The computer programmers felt really stupid. On the way back from the convention,
the group of programmers decided that they would try that method, too. They bought
one ticket for the whole group. They met up with the engineers in the same car.
Again, the programmers started snickering at the engineers. This time NONE of the
engineers had tickets. When the lookout said "Conductor coming!", all the engineers
went to one bathroom and all the computer programmers went to the other bathroom.
Before the conductor came on board, one of the engineers left their bathroom,
knocked on the programmers bathroom, and said "ticket please."

There are four engineers travelling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical
engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car breaks down.
"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine
before we can get the car working again", says the mechanical engineer.
"Well", says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be
contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system."
"I thought it might be a grounding problem", says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a
faulty plug lead." They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and
say: "Well, what do you think?"
"Ummm - how about if we all get out of the car and get back in."

KABINDA, ZAIRE-- In a move IBM officials are hailing as a major step in the
company's ongoing worldwide telecommunications revolution, M'wana Ndeti, a
member of Zaire's Bantu tribe, used an IBM global uplink network modem yesterday
to crush a nut.
Ndeti, who spent 20 minutes trying to open the nut by hand, easily cracked it open by
smashing it repeatedly with the powerful modem. "I could not crush the nut by
myself," said the 47-year-old Ndeti, who added the savory nut to a thick, peanut-
based soup minutes later. "With IBM's help, I was able to break it." Ndeti discovered
the nut-breaking, 28.8 V.34 modem yesterday, when IBM was shooting a commercial
in his southwestern Zaire village. During a break in shooting, which shows African
villagers eagerly teleconferencing via computer with Japanese schoolchildren, Ndeti
snuck onto the set and took the modem, which he believed would serve well as a
"smashing" utensil. Just after Ndeti shattered the nut, a 200-person Southern Baptist
gospel choir, on hand for the taping of the IBM commercial, broke out into raucous,
joyous song in celebration of the tribesman's accomplishment.
IBM officials were not surprised the longtime computer giant was able to provide
Ndeti with practical solutions to his everyday problems. "Our telecommunications
systems offer people all over the world global networking solutions that fit their
specific needs," said Herbert Ross, IBM's director of marketing. "Whether you're a

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nun cloistered in an Italian abbey or an Aborigine in Australia's Great Sandy Desert,

IBM has the ideas to get you where you want to go today."
According to Ndeti, of the modem's many powerful features, most impressive was its
hard plastic casing, which easily sustained several minutes of vigorous pounding
against a large stone. "I put the nut on a rock, and I hit it with the modem," Ndeti
said. "The modem did not break. It is a good modem."
Ndeti was so impressed with the modem that he purchased a new, state-of-the-art
IBM workstation, complete with a PowerPC 601 microprocessor, a quad-speed
internal CD-ROM drive and three 16-bit ethernet networking connectors. The
tribesman has already made good use of the computer system, fashioning a gazelle
trap out of its wires, a boat anchor out of the monitor and a crude but effective
weapon from its mouse.
"This is a good computer," said Ndeti, carving up a just-captured gazelle with the
computer's flat, sharp internal processing device. "I am using every part of it, will
cook this gazelle on the keyboard." Hours later, Ndeti capped off his delicious
gazelle dinner by smoking the computer's 200-page owner's manual.
IBM spokespeople praised Ndeti's choice of computers. "We are pleased that the
Bantu people are turning to IBM for their business needs," said company CEO
William Allaire. "From Kansas City to Kinshasa, IBM is bringing the world closer
together. "

A couple of Nuns are doing a tour of Europe in their Morris Minor. It breaks down in
Transylvania. “Don’t worry”, says the older nun, someone is bound to come along to
help soon.
The someone turned out to be an evil black cloaked pedestrian. Knowing about the
danger of Vampires, the older nun declared that the windows had to be closed. The
vampire started scrabbling at the younger nun’s window. “Open your window a little
and throw some holy water on him” commanded the older nun. This seemed to have
the reverse effect, the vampire moved to the front of the car, began scrabbling on the
windscreen, and rubbing his crotch against the Morris Minor hood ornament.
Show him you’re cross”, suggested the older.
The younger nun wound down the window and shouted ‘FUCK OFF’.

Wed pants
A nervous young man walks up to his girlfriends father. Asks the man quietly: "Can I
have your daughter's hole in handy matrimony?"

What did the grape do when the elephant stood on it? let out a little whine

Old Tap
What do you get if you cross an Egyptian with a tap?
Pharaoh Fawcett

what’s the difference between a cat and a comma;
the cat has claws at the end of it’s paws.

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Cross here
What do you get if you cross…
• a hen and a banjo - a self plucking chicken
• an owl and a goat - a hootenanny
• a flea and a rabbit - bugs bunny
• a dog and a chicken - a pooched egg.

Jungle food
Jane climbed into the treehouse to make dinner, only to discover she had no food in
the pantry. She asked Tarzan to go out and get something to eat.. An hour later he
returned with a bag of forest sparrows and two small monkeys. “Oh no”, she moaned,
“not finch and chimps again”.

A Jew was inadvertently placed between two Arabs on an international flight. Ignoring
them, he took off his shoes and kicked back to rest. One of the Arabs elbowed him
and demanded two orange juices. In order to avoid trouble the Jew got out of his seat
and got the juices. While he was up, each Arab spat into a shoe. On their final arrival,
the Jew donned the shoes and felt the wet squish. “You know”, he remarked to the
two Arabs, “if we are ever going to have peace in the middle east the Arabs are going
to have to stop spitting in the shoes of Jews, and the Jews are going to have to stop
pissing in the drinks of Arabs”.

On the plains of north-central tibet
they've thought of the strangest thing yet
on the ass of the camel
they pour blue enamel
and bugger the beast while it's wet

There was a young cowboy named Gary
who was morbidly anxious to marry
but he found the defection
of any erection
a difficult factor to parry

Did you hear the one about the two indian doctors in a maternity ward? One doctor
says to other “I’m telling you it is wombb!”. ‘No’, says the other ‘its womba’. Argue
argue argue until a sister comes up and says “sorry doctors it womb”. One of the
doctors looks at the other and says “I am sure she has never seen a hippopotamus
let alone heard one fart underwater!”

A very disturbed Indian goes to a psychiatrist and leaps on the couch. ‘Doctor’, he
says ‘I have a problem. I think I am a wigwam, then I think I am a teepee, think I
think no I am a wigwam’. “Ahh” says the psychiatrist “I see your problem your two

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Brush off
This is the story of an old Greek bloke sitting on a veranda whinging. "See the boats
down there in the harbour!. At some time in my life I have painted each one of those
boats, but do the fishermen call me a painter? ... NO!. "And the houses in the village.
At some time in my life I have painted each one of those houses, but do the villagers
call me a painter? ... NO!. "And the Villa on the hill. At some time in my life I have
painted each one of those villas, but do the wealthy people call me a painter? ...NO!.
But once, only once, I fuck a goat............

Why front
• Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
• Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
• Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
• Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
• Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
• Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
• If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
• If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
• If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what
would happen?
• If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the
• why is that when the bad guy shoots at Superman he sticks out his chest and lets the
bullets bounce off his chest, but when the bad guy
• throws the gun; Superman ducks? (He cant duck now!!)
• Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when
you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

Toad the line

An attractive woman entered a pet shop. When the clerk offered assistance, she
explained that she was recently divorced, and was looking for a small-ish dog for
The clerk explained that the name of the store was 'Exotic Pets' and that,
unfortunately, they did not stock cats, dogs, fish or any commonplace pets.
He did say, however, that he had something which might be ideal.
He took the woman into a back room. He walked over to a terrarium, and pointed
proudly to a large bullfrog which sat inside it.
"Would that suit your needs?", he asked.
The woman answered, scornfully, that she hardly thought an amphibian would be a
suitable companion.
"Ah", replied the salesman, leering, "but this 'amphibian' has been carefully trained ...
to perform oral sex upon women."
At this the woman's eyes lit up. She eagerly negotiated a price of $500 for the frog,
and left with it in her expectant possession. Arriving home, she drew a bubble bath,
poured a glass of champagne and relaxed in anticipation. When she was thoroughly

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mellow, she dried herself, and arranged herself, nude, upon her bed. Parting her
thighs, she placed the frog between them, closed her eyes, and waited.
Nothing happened. She prodded the frog.
Still nothing. She moved it up further toward her body.
Nothing. She ordered it to perform.
No response. After an hour of this frustration, she lifted the phone, and called the pet
shop. When the clerk answered, she complained loudly that she had been cheated.
The clerk apologized profusely, wrote down her address, and said he'd be right over.
Ten minutes later, he knocked on the door, and the woman answered, wearing a
nightgown. He asked her to demonstrate the problem. She obliged, by disrobing and
assuming her former position, with the frog in place.
The frog made no movement. "You see?", she asked, petulantly.
"Yes, I do", said the man. Then, addressing the frog as he removed his necktie and
shirt, he said, "Now, I'm only going to show you this one more time..."

Thank God you Stopped, man, its been nothing but Freaks the whole trip

grape bovine
What's the difference between BSE and PMT?
BSE is bovine spongiform encephalopathy. PMT is mad cow disease.

Dave and Ted went hunting together . Unfortunately there was an accident and they
both ended up shooting each other.
Dave went to hell and Ted went to heaven.
One day Ted was looking down into hell while tuning his harp (he was playing second
plucker in the all Valhalah string ensemble) when he spied Dave sitting with his back
against a tree a can of beer in his hand and a gorgeous blond on his knee.
Ted was greatly pissed off so he went to complain to god. " Hey god how come
Ted's in hell but he gets to sit around and drink beer and dally with loose women."

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God said, " If you look closely my son you will find that the beer can has a hole in it
and if you look even closer you will see that the blond hasn't."

sticky sneeze
Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full up.

Conjugal miss
Q: What does WIFE stand for
A: Washing, Ironing, F%^&ing ETC.

easy bet
A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game.
The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away, and tries to
sleep. The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He
explains, "I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then
you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5."
Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.
The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer
you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50!"
Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer
asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The
Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.
Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer, "What goes up a hill with
three legs and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled
look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about
an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely
takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep.
The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?"
Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer,
turns away and returns to sleep.

Angel angle
Two little kids go up to heaven. The white kiddy goes up to ST Peter first.
‘What is happening to me St. Peter?’
"Well you are going to get a pair of wings, a harp and a cloud and you are going to
make beautiful music for the rest of eternity"
The little black kiddy goes up next.

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‘St. Peter do I get a pair of wings’

"Yes you do little kiddy"
‘and do I get a harp and a cloud and make beautiful music for the rest of eternity’
"no you are going back as a blow-fly"

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father superior
A sixteen year old virgin girl goes to confession. "Father, I called a man a son-of-a-
bitch yesterday."
"Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??" the priest asked.
"Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission"
"Do you mean like this??" He touches her arm.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he also touched my breasts."
"You mean like this??" He touches her breasts.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father, he took off my clothes."
"Like this??" He takes off her clothes.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he then put his you-know-what in my you-know-where."
"Like this??" He put his you-know-what in her you-know-where.
"Yes father," she says sometime later.
"But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father, he has AIDS."
"THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!"

pearly gates
A few months after the disastrous press conference Bill Gates is not a happy man at
all. All his mates keep asking him if he wishes that he got into hardware instead. His
marriage is on the rocks. It is widely reported in the press that he is going out with his
PC instead of his (probably) beautiful wife, one reporter asks him why? 'I have always
been in love with Windows 95 - and it goes down on me at least twice a day!'

what a lift
Did you hear about the man who walks into an elevator and is confronted with a
lawyer, Sadam Hussain and a vicious poisonous snake. He tries to back out but the
door closes and won't open. Fortunately he has a gun, but only two bullets. What
does he do?
Shoots the lawyer twice of course. . .

Guy in a Maserati on a country road is overtaken by a three-legged hen running at
80k. Can't believe his eyes, so he bumps the car up to 120 and passes the hen.
Seconds later there's a mad squawking and the hen zooms past, holding its wings in
to avoid having them ripped off by the wind. At 180 the bloke hangs the Maserati out
'round a corner, showers shit all over a bumpkin screwing his goat in a hedge, and
overtakes the hen. Not to be outdone, the hen comes past, half naked with its few
remaining feathers popping out of its arse. Then it veers right and disappears into a
driveway. The Maserati only just takes the corner and pulls up, sweating, in a

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farmyard filled with three-legged, half-plucked hens. The farmer comes out and the
bloke describes what happened. "I've never seen anything run so fast. In fact, I've
never seen a three-legged hen. Where did they all come from?" "Arr," says the
farmer (this was in Yorkshire), "we had a mutation some years ago that bred true,
and we figured that since drumsticks are the most popular part of a hen, we were on
to a winner." "That's amazing," says the bloke, "but surely with all that running around
the meat must be awfully red and tough - what do they taste like?" "Arr," says the
farmer, "well I don't rightly know - we've never been able to catch one."

Papal vessel
an Irish bloke on holiday ends up sharing a small boat with the pope, both fishing.
The pope loses his rod over the side, so he steps out of the boat, walks on water,
and retrieves it. The Irishman mails back to his mum; "guess what, the pope can't

Efficient chips
If the answer is ‘infatuation, bastard’, what is the question?
“How do I cook these fish?”

Papal mobile
A chauffeur driving the popemobobile is chatting to the pope. The pope begs him to
let him drive, just once. The chauffeur agrees, they switch seats, and the pope
plants boot, wheelspins onto a motorway, and thrashes the car to the max.
Eventually the car is pulled up by a motorcycle speed cop (cyclop), and the pope is
ticketed. At home that night the speed cop is dicussing the day with his mum (it's
universal, even in Italy the traffic cops prefer to sleep with their mums). She asks if
there was anything interesting that happened that day, and the cop describes the
ticketing of someone so important that the pope was chauffeuring him.

House shades
So this couple bought a house. the time came to sort out the decor, and the couple
met the builder at the house, and he filled out the standard form;
BUILDER - lounge walls? SHE - puce
The builder leans out of the window and yells out 'GREEN SIDE UP'
BUILDER - TOILET walls? SHE - chartreuse
The builder leans out of the window again and yells out 'GREEN SIDE UP'
And so it continued until all the paintwork had been declared. The husband, a strong,
silent, colourblind type, asked the builder why he kept yelling 'GREEN SIDE UP' out
of the window after every colour choice. "oh- its just that I have Irish labourers laying
the ready lawn"

What is black and white and eats like a horse?.
A Zebra

pole vault
What is black, white and red and cant turn round in a lift?
a nun impaled on a javelin

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The lone ranger (the hero, not to be confused with bank staff called loan arrangers) is
captured by Indians and is buried up to his neck. The Indians warn him that they will
get his horse to trample him to death, and ask him for one last wish. He asks to talk
to his horse. The chief leads 'silver' to the buried ranger, who whistles the horse to
lean down and listen. The lone ranger whispers instructions, and silver neighs, rears,
and gallops away. The Indians are still standing around puzzled when the horse
returns with a pretty girl on the saddle.
The chief decides that he would like to learn the magic words, and stays within
hearing as the horse is led forward for a second wish. Slightly louder the chief hears
the ranger say "NO, POSSE, POSSE"

mouse struck
The lone ranger, in the midst of a swirl of angry Indians, runs out of bullets. He turns
to his trusty Indian friend and says "looks like we are in trouble now, Tonto". The
Indian replies "who do you mean WE, paleface, you got a mouse in your pocket?".

The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trail all day. When they
stopped to take a rest Tonto placed his ear to the ground and listened.
"Buffalo come", remarked Tonto.
"How can you tell, Tonto?" asked the Lone Ranger.
"Face sticky."

Acute Indian
A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and notices the most
beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane. He is so nervous, and he
soon realizes that she is walking down the aisle toward him.
When she takes the seat right next to him, he is anxious to begin a conversation with
her. He asks, "Where are you flying to today?" She responds, "To the annual
Nymphomaniac convention in Chicago."
He is CRAZED with excitement! Here is a gorgeous woman sitting next to him, and
she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
"And what do you do at this meeting?" he asks.
"Well," she says, "we try to dispel some of the popular myths about sexuality." "And
what myths are those?" he goes on desperately.
She goes on to explain, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the
most endowed, when in fact, it is the Native American man who owns this trait. Also,
it is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best lover, when actually it is men of
Jewish descent who make the best lovers."
"Very interesting..." the man responds. Suddenly, the woman becomes very
embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I just feel so awkward discussing
this with you when I don't even know you! What is your name?"
The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto. Tonto Goldstein."

A white bloke taking a pee in a pub next to a negro, glances over. "Man, so its true,
you niggers IS well hung". The negro takes the micky: 'yassuh, when we is young

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out mutha ties a rock with string round our dongas, and when we grows up they is big
like this one'.
Two weeks later the two meet again in the same pub, "hey nigger, you was right
about the rock and the string, I only tried it for a week and already the end is turning

frisky rat
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown.
Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze
sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and
asks the shop owner what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more
for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his
arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer
drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to
walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and
follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his
heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks
into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and
abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the
waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just
thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a
trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up
onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San
Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and
clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats
surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling,
he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."

know how a blonde likes her eggs in the morning?

Jism chasm
There were two sperm swimming along. The first sperm says to the second sperm:
“Tell me when we get to the uterus”. The second sperm says: ’We've got a long way
to go yet, we've just passed the tonsils’.

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There was a girl waiting
for a bus. She had on a
really short miniskirt and
was being really cautious
not to bend over. The bus
arrives, the door opens
and the girl attempts to
step up into it. But, the
skirt is so tight that she
can't step up. She looks
behind her and realizes
that quite a queue has
formed. Embarrassed,
she reaches behind her
and lowers her zip slightly
to loosen her skirt. Again
she attempts to step up,
but she still can't. So she
loosens the zip a second
time and again attempts
to step up. Again, she
can't make it. Then
without warning, the guy
behind her grabs her by
both butt cheeks and
hoists her up the steps.
She pays the driver and
hobbles down the bus
aisle. She turns to the guy
and says "Shit, that was a
bit forward wasn't it?".
Yes he replies, but so was
your undoing my fly twice!

Cold turkey
What’s the difference between an eskimo and a eunuch?
One is a massive vassal with a passive tassel and the other is a frigid midget with a
rigid digit.

Buttock sausage
Hear about the butcher who sat on a sausage machine?
got behind in his orders.

Mincing words
what about the Watties employee who put his end into the bean slicer?
they fired him (also fired the bean slicer).

Almost 7?
what is 6.9?
a good thing spoilt by a period.

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Fast faggots
Horse racing is the sport of kings, so what is the sport of queens?
drag racing.

Bright darkness
what is the difference between light and hard?
you can sleep with a light on.

hear about the new macdonalds fish burger called a quarter flounder?

One view
what is so attractive about being a test tube baby?
you get a womb with a view.

What's a test-tube baby's greatest fear?
A dingo with a straw.

Aging bonus
An old bloke goes to the doctor. "Doc, my dick's throbbing."
His Doctorness examines the bloke and asks, "Have you had sex recently, sir?"
The old bloke gets a fiendish, smug look about him. "Yes, as a matter of fact. About
ten days ago."
"And do you know the lady concerned?"
"Yes, she's my next-door neighbour."
"And would she be home at the moment?"
"I expect so."
"Then," says the doctor, "I suggest you get 'round there quick - you're about to

Three blokes
Three women were discussing their lovers. First woman said "My lover is an athlete
and can make love all night"
The second woman said "My lover is an artist.. he keeps surprising me in so many

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Third woman said "My lover is a computer programmer. He doesn't do anything but
he sits on the end of the bed and tells me how good it is going to be when he finally

cut + tuck
what is the hardest thing about a sex change operation?
fitting the anchovies


what's better than sex with a 16 year old?


Pane in rear
hear about the gay who didn’t know the difference between vaseline and window
putty? all his windows fell out.

Blocked bloke
hear what the constipated gay said to his lover?...'with friends like you, who needs

what’s the difference between an egg and sex?
you can beat an egg.

Lite Rodent
how many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
two if they are small enough.

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Early bird
what came first, the chicken or the egg?
the rooster.

Legal quip
A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asked, "Before
you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?". The coroner said,
"No." The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?". "No." "Did you
check for breathing?" "No."
"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure
the man was dead, had you?"
The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put it this way. The
man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there
practicing law somewhere."

Runaway taxi
A man catching the last train home at night, accidentally fell asleep and missed his
stop. Upon waking at the end of the line in the small hours he tried to get a taxi
home. He only had $5 with him, and the only taxi there told him the fare would be
$20. The man offered to pay the difference when he got home, but the taxi driver
wasn't having it. The man spent the night sleeping rough, and planning his revenge.
The next week the man caught the last train and deliberately stayed on until the last
stop. The same taxi was parked there, third in a queue. The man approached the
first taxi and asked how much a fare to his home would be.
"$20", was the reply.
The man said that he only had $5 on him, but he'd give the driver a blow-job as well.
The taxi driver swore at him and told him to leave him alone. The man then went to
the second taxi and did the same. He got the same response. He then went to the
third taxi, the one that was there last time. Again he asked how much the fare home
would be. "$20" was the reply. "Okay" said the man, and got in. As they pulled out
past the first two taxis the man smiled and winked at the two drivers.

parrot fashion
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed
through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud
voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around.
In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you
The parrot said, "The same *idiot* who named the Rottweiller Jesus!"

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Wooden you know it

Jesus approaches St Peter at The Gate, "How Are You Doin' St Peter?".
'Pissed off' replies St Peter, 'I have been here every day for 1400 years, without a
So Jesus tells him to take a fortnight off, and promises to look after the Gate. Actually
he arranges that no one dies, and settles back to catch up on his stack of PlayAngel
After a little time a crooked old man called Gepeto walks up to the gate. This wasn’t
supposed to happen, and Jesus stalls him with small talk while he tries to work out
what to do.
"So, What Did You Die Of, Old Man?"
'I died of a broken heart, because I lost my son!'.
About now Jesus started to get nervous about his scam. "Well Describe Your Son,
Maybe I Have Seen Him In Heaven Somewhere".
'Well, he had holes in his hands, and holes in his feet', says the old guy.
Now Jesus is real nervous, he checks out the holes in his own hands and feet, looks
up sheepishly and asks "Father?".
The old man grabs Jesus with joy and cries out ' PINNOCHIO!!!'

what is the difference between a pickpocket and a pimp?
one is a purse snatcher and the other is a snatch purser.

Winsome, lose
In a history class, the teacher was asking some quick fire questions about New
"Who first discovered NZ and in what year?" A young Asian lad had his hand up first,
" Abel Tasman 1642!"
"What year was the treaty of Waitangi signed?" another Asian whipped their hand up
first, " 1840!"
"Piss off ! " someone said, and the teacher exclaimed "WHO said that ?".
A little Maori boy at the back of the class put up his hand and shouted " Winston
Peters, May 1996!"

short chord
A musical duo in a pub were pulling quite a crowd, partly because the guitarist was
quite good, but mainly because of the unusual pianist. Not that he was particularly
good, but rather he was so SMALL. He plinked away at a miniature piano, and was
himself so remarkably short that most folks just came to stare at him.
During a break, the barman was chatting to the guitarist, and got around to asking
where he had come across the unusual pianist. ‘Well, I was touring Egypt, and found
this brass jug thingy. As I was cleaning it up, a Genie popped out, and offered me
one wish. But I think the genie must have been hard of hearing, because I ended up
with a two foot pianist!’.

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Far cough
A bloke goes to the doctor with a terrible recurring cough. The Doc hands him a pill,
which he takes, blinks a few times, then asks - ‘what does the pill do, Doc?’.
‘That’s a very powerful Laxative, mate’.
‘Christ, how will that help?’.

This Englishman goes to Australia with his wife, they stay in a 5 star hotel and hire a
Limo for the day. While driving along the road, his wife asks 'look! what is that man
doing with that Kangaroo?', the man says 'My God!, Don't look, It's disgusting'.
Further down the road the wife says 'Look, another one!', and husband says
'Disgusting!,, I shall report this when we get back to the hotel.
They arrive back at the hotel only to find a man with one wooden leg having a wank
on the steps of the hotel. The husband charges in and says, 'Look we come here in
good faith, to stay in your *5 STAR* hotel and what happens,,, We are driving down
the road and we come across a drover in copulation with a kangaroo, further on,
recurrence of the same thing,,,, then we get back here only to find a man with one
leg,,, *ONE WOODEN LEG*, masturbating on your steps,,, Well what do you have to
say about that!'
The manager says 'struth mate, you expect a man with one wooden leg to catch his
own kangaroo!

At one point in the middle ages in Russia, there was an evil count who tortured and
murdered the peasants, taxed them mercilessly, and was called (the Russian
equivalent of ) Count Kind. At one point, when the count had stolen the prettiest girl
from the village, the peasants decided they had finally had enough, rebelled, and
threw the evil count into his own dungeons. Several times though the guards were
bribed and let the count go, but each time he was recaptured and thrown into the
dungeon again. On the third occasion, the peasants decided to expedite matters and
get the location of the gold from the count (known in Russia as ‘The Third Enclosure
of count kind’, a saying which Spielberg recently unkindly parodied as a movie title).
So the peasants brought the executioner out of his early and unexpected retirement,
and plotted to appear to threaten the evil man with execution if he didn’t name the
hiding place. They tied him down to the worn chopping block, and asked for the
location. The count screamed defiance. So they nodded to the executioner, who
raised the axe, and the count whimpered ‘OK, I’ll tell’. The executioner, however
having never been trained in this new process, brought down the axe anyway, and
they never found the gold.
Russians chide their children with this story now, with the moral "you must never
hatchet your count before he chickens".

Fowl lawyer
What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
The rooster ‘clucks defiance’.

Wacko picko
How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
From a Catalogue.

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What is the difference between an aboriginal woman and a bowling ball?
if you REALLY work at it, you can eat a bowling ball.

what is the difference between an Air NZ hostess and a bowling ball?
you can only get 3 fingers into a bowling ball

A woman runs into the police station, shouting "Help- I've been graped"
Desk Sgt.- "Don't you mean raped?"
Woman- "There were a bunch of them!"

Rex sex
Q: What is a Tyranosaurus Sex?
A: A big fucking dinosaur.

Hare ball
A horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is
sinking. He calls to the rabbit to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.
The rabbit runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. He drives the farmer's
Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then
throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward
saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the rabbit and horse were playing in the meadow again and the
rabbit fell into the mud hole. The rabbit yelled to the horse to go and get some help
from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched
over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And
the rabbit did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes.

Silicon whiz
Bob complained to his friend "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend offered, "Don't do that!!! There's a computer at the drug store that can
diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your
urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do
about it. It only costs $10.00."
Bob figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to
the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the
$10.00. The computer started making some noises and the various lights started
flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy labour.
It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it
would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be
fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample
from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he
masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the

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machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made
the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard, get a water softener.
Your dog has worms, give him vitamins.
Your daughter is on drugs, put her in rehab.
Your wife's pregnant. It ain't yours---get a lawyer.
If you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get

Bald mutt
what is the difference between a dachshund and a street vendor?
the vender bawls out his wares.

Itie bity
why don’t Italians eat fleas?
cant get their legs apart.

Boney what?
what is the difference between twiggy and a counterfeit dollar?
one is a phoney buck.

what do promiscuous angels get?

Brown buns
A guy is having problems getting an erection, so he answers one of the ads for a
men’s clinic and goes along. He is offered the latest treatment which is an injection
that is taken from the trunk of an elephant. He goes home and while eating dinner his
wife asks how the injections went. at that moment his penis bursts out of his trousers
and grabs a bun from the table then disappears back into his pants. His wife
expresses total amazement and asks if he can do it again. He replies that he cannot
because there is only room for one bun at a time up his ass.

Toad suckers
A guy goes into a pet shop looking for something unusual. The assistant shows him
the latest thing, cock-sucking frogs. He expresses disbelief and is offered the back
room to try them out. He accepts the offer and is amazed to discover that they live up
to their name. He buys 2 for 2000 dollars and goes home with them in a bag. He
gives the bag to his wife who asks what they are. "Cock-sucking frogs" he replies.
"what am I supposed to with these" she says. He replies, "Teach then to cook then
fuck off"

Comma repairs
A man's wife had been in a coma for several days following a particularly nasty knock
on the head. As usual, one of the nurses in the hospital was giving her a wash in

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As she washed down the woman's body, she sponged her pubic hair. Out of the
corner of her eye she thought she had seen the woman's eyebrows shudder. Not
quite sure, she tried again. This time, she actually did see some movement.
"Doctor, Doctor," she called, "I saw some movement!" The Doctor came in to the
room and tried as well. Once more, they both saw movement around the woman's
"Well this is good news," said the Doctor. "I think we should call her husband and let
him know."
Anyway, they called her husband and told him that they had seen some movement.
When he arrived, they explained that by touching her pubic hair, they were seeing
some sort of reaction in her facial muscles.
The Doctor suggested that the husband may like to try something a little more
adventurous in order to provoke a stronger reaction. "I suggest that we leave the
room and that you try a little oral sex," he said. The husband duly agreed and so he
was left alone in the room.
Several moments later, all the emergency alarms and buzzers were activated. The
Doctor and a host of nurses ran in to the wife's room where they saw the husband
zipping up his jeans.
"Oops," he said, "I think I choked her."

Did you know that the USA Bestiality society has a motto - ‘in Dog we Thrust’. Crazy
country, the whores there now accept all major credit cards for ‘Cervices Rendered’.

"I haven't sold one tractor all month," a tractor salesman tells his friend.
"That's nothing compared to my problem," his buddy replies. "I was milking my cow
when its tail whips around and hits me in the forehead, so I grabbed some string and
tied its tail up to the rafters. Then I go back to milk it and it kicks me in the head with
its right hind leg, so I grab some rope and tie its one leg up to the rafters. I go back to
try and milk it again when it kicks me in the head with its left hind leg, so I tie its other
leg up to the rafters. Then my wife comes walking in and I'll tell ya, if you can
convince her that I was trying to milk that cow, I'll buy a tractor off ya."

This is the story of a famous French aviator. Handsome, dashing with big dark eyes,
thick black swept back hair, and a bushy handlebar moustache. A Frenchman from
the days when men were men, women were pleased and planes were made from
wood, fabric and flown on sinew.
Pierre is back from another successful mission, has wined and dined and pretty well
pulled the prettiest girl in town. He has her back in his room. He kisses her forehead,
eyelids and the tip of her nose. "Ooooh," she thinks. Suddenly Pierre goes off and
gets a bottle of red wine, sprinkles it on her lips and kisses her passionately.
"Ooooh," she says as she comes up for breath. "Thats very nice, but why the red
"Aha," he says. "I am Pierre the famous fighter pilot. When I 'ave red meat, I 'ave de
red wine!"
They continue. Clothing is gradually discarded. He kisses her chin, her neck, her
cleavage. He goes and gets a bottle of white wine this time and sprinkles it on her
breasts and kisses them passionately. "Ooooh", she says.
"Thats very nice, but why the white wine?"

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"Aha I am Pierre, the famous fighter pilot. When I 'ave white meat, I 'ave de white
Matters progress further. More clothing is discarded. he kisses her navel, her
stomach, the tops of her thighs. "Ooooh", she thinks. OOOOOH!! Pierre then goes
and gets a bottle of Cognac, sprinkles it liberally over her fluffy bits and sets it alight.
"AAAAAAGH", she screams leaping from the bed trying to beat out her burning bits.
"You idiot!, what did you do that for?"
"Aha I am Pierre, the famous fighter pilot. When I go down.....I go down in FLAMES!"

Verging on mad
Billy-Bob has just got married and brings his new bride back to the family homestead
for the wedding night. In the morning he comes rushing down the stairs. "Paw, Paw
where are you Paw? I've got me some bad news Paw."
"What's itchin' yor britches son?" asks old Billy-Joe.
"Well, Paw, last night me an Billy-Sue was about to do it, an', well Paw, she's a
"Well if that don't beat all! I'm gittin' me my shotgun an' I'm a-takin' her back. If she
ain't good enough for her own darn family, she sure as hell ain't good enough for

A nun went to Heaven and met St. Peter at the pearly gates. St Peter looked at his
records and told the nun, that as she had been good all her life, she could have
anything she wanted as a reward. The nun thought about this and said "Well it's been
a long time since I had a man", so St. Peter went away and returned with a list in his
hand, and told the nun she could have one of the following.
1. Father Xmas
2. Superman
3. One of the Harlem Globe Trotters
4. Jesus Christ himself
5. Lance Cairns
The nun thought about if for a while and then told St. Peter that she wanted none of
the above. "Why" asked St. Peter, "they are the best we have". To which our nun
Father Xmas only comes once a year
Superman comes at 500 miles an hour
The Harlem Globe Trotter dribbles before he shoots
The last time Jesus Christ came was 2000 years ago
And Lance Cairns, once he's in, you can't get him out

Bossy offer
A guy is running a small business with two employees Mary and Jack. However he
isn’t doing so well and he decides that one of the employees must go. After some
soul searching he decides that he will talk to the employees so he walks out of his
office and sees Mary.
He goes up to her and says “Mary I have decided that I will have to lay you or Jack
Mary looks at him and says ‘well you'll have to jack off cause I got a headache today!’

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Aboat time
Joe and John were twin brothers. Joe owned a dilapidated boat. One day Joe's boat
sank and on the same day John's wife passed away.
A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street and mistaking him for John
said, 'I'm sorry for you great loss. You must feel terrible'.
Joe responded, 'Fact is, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing
from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled and she smelled like a dead fish.
She was always losing her water, had a bad crack in the back, and a pretty big hole
in the front. The hole got bigger every time I used her, she leaked like crazy and it
got too hard to keep her upright.
What really finished her off were the four guys who rented her for a good time. I
warned them she wasn't any good, but they wanted to have a go at her anyway. The
damned fools all tried to get on her at the same time and it was just too much for the
old girl. She split right up the middle while they were trying to get in their positions.'
The old woman fainted.

Fate Sealed
A penguin was driving through the desert when his car broke down. He waddled to
the nearest phone to call AAA. His car was quickly towed to the nearest garage
where the mechanic told him he would need a couple of hours to check out the car.
The penguin, being a good natured bird, didn't complain but wandered off to find the
closest supermarket. He proceeded to the frozen foods section and hung out near
the fish sticks. After an hour he got in the freezer next to the vanilla ice cream and
ate several gallons. Then he saw the time and went back to the garage covered in ice
cream. The mechanic walked over to him wiping his hands and shaking his head
saying, "It looks like you blew a seal." Blushing, the penguin said, "Oh no! It's just ice

In the Pyrenees mountains in Southern France are located a wonderful bunch of
people known as Basques. These people are very musically inclined and are renown
for the ability of their shepherds to play the flute.
Every year the Basques select a different venue and organise a flute playoff. In one
particular year a high mountain village was selected, and the only drinking house was
decorated with multicoloured crepe paper. (the regular drinkers saw this as gelding
the lilly).
During the actual playoff, one bloke, a sort of town casanova, was trying to chat up a
rather attractive serving wench (a basquette) in the kitchen. Tempting his luck with a
sudden kiss, the basqard knocked over a candle during a fumbled pass, the candle
set fire to the crepe, and the hotel burned down. Several people, including the odds
on favourite winner, were killed in the crush to get through the one and only door.
Basques relate this story now to their children, and chide them with the moral “you
shouldn’t keep all your basques in one exit”.

muslim airdo
In the late '60s England started receiving a vast quantity of new Japanese cars. One
make, the Datsun, developed a notoriously unreliable gearbox. To try to save face,
the importer ordered a planeload of gearbox spares from Datsun. A Datsun
executive, in charge of shipping but blissfully ignorant of world politics, arranged the
containers to be flown by Saudi Air.
A group of muslin fundamentalists (trying to rid the world of the evils of linen) through
false intelligence learned that the very flight was carrying Japanese linen destined for

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the workhouses of Glasgow (boy these guys really screwed up) so they exploded a
bomb on board, at point high above the Sahara Desert.
Two camel drivers leading a herd of camel (it's written in the plural 'camels' only if the
animals are male) whilst crossing the Sahara heard a loud bang in the air, and,
looking up, one was heard to remark "look Abdul, its raining Datsun cogs".

sprout hair
What do brussled sprouts and pubic hair have in common??
You push both to the side and carry on eating.

Salmon menu
An English fishing boat from the Shetland Islands is hit by a major storm first day of a
new outing at sea. The boat is tossed around for a week during which time all the
crew except the Skipper are washed overboard never to be seen again. The Skipper
himself suffers a blow to the head towards the end of the storm which renders him
unconscious for several days and he awakens to find himself totally alone on the
He does a quick inspection of himself and surroundings and discovers that he has
blurred vision, ringing in the ears, his penis has shrunk to microscopic proportions,
the boat is becalmed, the instruments including the radio are wrecked, the engine is
US (that doesn't mean country of origin), there is very little food (water is OK) and he
has no idea where on the Ocean he is (if he could see the stars he might be able to
figure it out being a decent sort of seafaring type).
Realising the gravity of his situation he lapses into despair for some time before
hunger forces him to consider his options. Knowing that the food he has won't last
beyond two days he decides to catch fish with the one remaining hand line left after
the storm.
Ten days later he still hasn't caught a fish and is becoming week with hunger
(problem is no bait)
Five days later still ...... same story and the Skipper is readying himself to give up
and lie there and die when a single herring jumps out of the water and lands right by
his nose. The Skipper catches it and is about to feast when he thinks that it might be
better used as bait so as to catch a big fish with obvious benefits.
Carefully he baits the hook and lowers the line down very deep. After only 5 minutes
there is a strike and there ensues the classic battle between large fish and weakened
man that I will not embellish here. After two further days the Skipper is elated when
he finally lands a huge Salmon which lies spent on the deck.
The Skipper staggers towards the Galley for a knife and fork and napkin ( he is too
hungry to cook but he is British ). As he is returning from the Galley he hears a voice
calling him.
Voice " Hey you ! "
Stunned, he looks around for the source of the sound.
Voice " Hey you !! ..... over here ya pratt! "
Totally perplexed the Skipper starts to believe he has gone nuts, hearing things.
Voice " For Shites sake use your bloody eyes, look here on the deck, asshole!!"
Skipper " Golly I must be going bonkers I think that fish is talking to me"
Fish " I am, ringpiece, and for your information I am a Salmon not just a fish"
Skipper " But fish ...I mean... Salmon can't talk"
Salmon " I bloody can.... What's more my name is Rusty - Rusty the Salmon and I
am hugely pissed off with you"

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Skipper "I say.... why?... for goodness sake."

Rusty " WHY? WHY?!!!!! .... There I was minding my own business living in the
Titanic when down comes a delicious looking herring to tempt me for a snack. Now
herrings don't get down that deep very often so I snapped it up and then the next
thing I know some bloody wanker is rearranging my dental work with a hook that I
couldn't spit out then ya bloody half knacker me by pulling me all the way up here.....
Skipper " I say not only can you talk but. do you really live in the Titanic?"
Rusty "Read my lips bum breath... what's left of them. Your in the north Atlantic right
over the Titanic. Not only do I live there but I am also a world famous poet and
tonight I was due to give a major recital in the engine room. Boy am I pissed off with
Skipper "Saints preserve me I truly must be going mad .... First a talking fish who
lives in the Titanic and now he's a world famous poet!!?..... I'm sorry but I simply don't
believe any of this!
Rusty " You are a plonker and obviously have no culture (well you are English I
suppose) .... I tell you I am a world famous poet. Haven't you ever heard of THE

The OJ trial as
Told by Dr.
I did not kill my lovely wife.
I did not slash her with a knife.
I did not bonk her on the head.
I did not know that she was dead.
I stayed at home that fateful night.
I took a cab, then took a flight.
The bag I had was just for me.
My bag! My bag! hey, leave it be!
When I came home I had a gash.
My hand was cut from broken glass.
I cut my hand on broken glass.
A broken glass did cause that gash.
My friend, he took me for a ride.
All through LA, from side to side.
From north to south, we took a ride.
But from the cops we could not hide.
My trial lasted for a year.
A year! A year! just sitting here!
The DNA, the HEM-The HAW!
The circus-hype The viewers saw!
A year! A year! just sitting here!
And lawyers charge by the hour I fear!
If I'm found guilty I will appeal!
Appeal! Appeal! I will appeal!
I'll wheedle and whine- I'll cut a deal!
If it's "not guilty" so glad I'll feel
Did you do this awful crime?
Did you do this anytime?
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not anytime.
Did you take this person's life?

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Did you do it with a knife?

I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not anytime.
Did you hit her from above.
Did you drop this bloody glove?
I did not hit her from above.
I cannot even wear that glove.
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, anytime.
And now I'm free, I can return
To my house for which I yearn.
And to my family whom I love.
Hey now I'm free- Give back my glove!!!!!

southend bus
A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She
says to the bus driver she is very ill and wants to
experience sex before she dies. The bus driver
agrees to accommodate her, but the nun explains
that she can't have sex with anyone who is married
as that would be a sin. The bus driver says No
problem, he is not married. The nun says she also
has to die a virgin, so she will have to take it in the
ass. The bus driver agrees again. Being the only two
on the bus, they go to the back of the bus and take
care of business. When they were done, and he had
resumed driving, he said "Sister I have a confession
to make. I am married and have three children". The
nun replies: "That’s OK. I have a confession too: My
name is Dave, and I am on my way to a costume

horse play
How about the one with the dwarf with a lisp who wants to buy a horse.
He wizzes up to the owner who is holding the filly for inspection and looks at it
Eventually the dwarf says to the owner “exccusssee me can I look at ish teef please”.
The owner says ‘OK’. the dwarf then says “can I have a lift?” So the owner lifts the
dwarf up and he has a good gander.
‘What da ya think says the owner?’ The dwarf asks “Can I look at its ears pleese?”
‘Ok’ says the owner. “Can I have a lift?” So the owner lifts the dwarf up and he has
a squizz at the horses ears...

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‘Well then do you want to buy the horse says the owner?’ “Well says the dwarf can I
see it twat?”
‘All right’ says the impatient owner ‘and yes I'll give you a lift!’ He lifts the horses tail
and shoves the dwarf in as far as he can go and spins him around by the ankles a
few times and pulls him out again.
“Can I refrash that question” says the wet sticky dwarf. “Can I sssee it canter?”

Busy family
Little Johnny comes home from school one day and asks his Dad to help him with his
homework. "What sort of homework is it?", asks the Father. "Well", says Johnny. "I
have to find out the difference between POTENTIAL and REALITY". "That's easy",
says Dad. "Go over to your Mother and ask her if she'd fuck the Milkman for
$1,000,000". So Johnny went
and asked her and returned to
his father in shock. "She said
she would, Dad". "Now go
over to your sister and ask her
if she'd fuck the Milkman for
$1,000,000". So Johnny went
and asked her and came back
even more shocked. "She said
she would as well", Johnny
said. "Now", says Dad, "I want
you to go and ask your brother
if he'd fuck the Milkman for
$1,000,000". So off went
Johnny and returned
absolutely flabbergasted. "He
said he would as well", said
Johnny. "Well", said Dad.
"There's your answer.
POTENTIALLY, we have in
this house $3,000,000 - but in
REALITY we only have 2 sluts
and a poofter.

Armless chap
So this hoon has a car accident, window was down, arm out, lost his right arm. on
waking in hospital he regrets the loss of the arm with such sadness that the
prosthetics clinic decide to fit a computer controlled arm (pentium p6). problem is,
how to connect the brain to the device. prosthetics come up with a good scheme
where a microphone is buried under the skin of the right shoulder, and is connected
to speech to text conversion software. all he has to do is speak clearly into his right
shoulder, and the arm obeys. he is trained in dressing himself, eating, drinking, and
shaving. once discharged he wanders into his local pub on the way home. after
ordering a 7oz beer, he commands the arm 'arm, lift drink'. the arm, (programmed in
Pascal) of course obeys. he then commands ' arm, tilt glass'. the arm cleverly lifts
the glass to the hoon’s lips, and tilts to let him drink it.
After several glasses, nature takes its course, and he finds he has to visit the little
boys room. Standing in front of the stainless (yes I know this procedure is unfamiliar
to the ladies in the audience, just trust me on this one), he commands the arm to
unzip his fly, which it does. then he commands 'flop out Wilbur' (most men have a
pet name for that part of their anatomy, this name is purely fictional and is not
representative of any person living or dead). the arm obeys with it's customary
aplomb, and the hoon relieves himself in the usual manner. Then continuing the
familiar ritual, he commands 'shake Wilbur'. the arm does so, but the hoon
experiences erstwhile forgotten sensations of pleasure. after the arm stops, he

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repeats the command 'arm, shake Wilbur', which he enjoys even more. braving
further, he commands 'arm, pull Wilbur off'.
The arm, not so versed in common speech, grabs the appendage firmly and tears it
bodily from the hoon, holding it before his eyes. Exclaiming in a moment of panic,
the hoon cries out 'AAAHHH FUCK ME' at which the prosthetic arm attempts to
comply by aimlessly banging the hand into the seat of the hoons pants.

In Alabama, swamp country, a bloke wanders in to a bar with an alligator on a leash.
the barman tells him to remove the alligator from the premises. "why?". 'Them
alligators is dangerous'. so the bloke signals the alligator to rise up on its back legs,
snaps his fingers to which the animal opens its gruesome mouth. the bloke unzips
his fly, drops his manhood into the gator’s mouth, and snaps his fingers again,
causing the gator to close its mouth gently over the pecker. then the bloke whacks
the gator on the head with a full bottle, snaps his fingers again, removes his intact
pecker, and signals the animal to slide back to the floor. "See, perfectly safe. Anyone
else want to try that test?" An old lady at the back of the room answers 'I do sonny,
just don’t hit me so hard with the bottle'.

Utterly bad
A big bloke wanders in to a doctors office with a bad stutter. After a checkup the doc
decides to halve the length of the guys willy to the std allblack 6 inches. the
operation works, cures the guys stutter completely. But two months later he's back,
apparently the girlfriend is complaining and he wants his stutter back. The doctor is
considering it, the replies 'n-n-n-not p-p-p-possible s-s-sir'.

Racist humour
A guy and his wife driving a flash jag along a back road in the states is forced to stop
for a herd of cattle crossing the road. he notices an Indian with a lovely pony also
waiting for the herd to cross. jokingly, he calls to the Indian that his car is faster than
the pony. the Indian replies 'HUMPH, ME RUN FASTER THAN WHITE MANS CAR'.
amazed, the bloke offers to bet that the car is faster, and if so he wins the pony. The
Indian replies 'HUMPH, IF ME WIN ME TAKE SQUAW' pointing to the blokes wife.
(actually the woman was of English extraction and the pony was prettier). So they set
to race, the jaguar gets up to 20ks, and the Indian races past. the driver, amazed,
steps up to 100ks and passes the Indian, then the Indian overtakes them again.
desperate the driver floors the jag and over takes the Indian again. gets it up to
180ks. then the Indian races past the jag again. the jag driver buttons off
contemplating the ramifications of the loss, when suddenly up ahead he sees a
sudden burst of smoke. he drives up to it and finds the Indian bruised and bleeding
holding his head. 'what happened old chap?'. 'HUMPH, MOCCASSIN BLOWOUT'.

Jagged edge
A guy and his wife driving a flash jag along a back road in the UK is forced to stop
for a herd of cattle crossing the road. he notices an old farmer with a greyhound
sitting beside the road. they end up in a dialogue where the old farmer states his dog
is faster, and inevitably a bet is made where the car's win gets the greyhound and the
dog's win gets the lady (in this case it's an old English farmer and the lady appears to
his myopic tastes to be desirable). The race progresses with the old farmer in the
back seat goading the greyhound on, they're neck and neck at 100ks, when suddenly
the driver notices a train crossing ahead. breaking with all his might, he just
manages to stop feet short of the goods train. sure that the dog must have been run
over, he says 'gee dreadfully sorry about the dog old chap, perhaps I can
recompense you?'. the old fellow states that the dog didn’t die, pointing to a
greyhound at the roadside. 'but my dear chap, your dog was not wearing a red collar

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and that dog is!. 'that’s not his collar you fool its his rectum, he had to stop in a hurry

Toad the line

One day a twelve year old boy walks into a brothel, dragging a dead frog behind him.
The Madam asks "Can I help you son?" He replies "Yes I'd like a girl for the night."
She says "I'm afraid you are too young for one of my girls."
So he gets out his wallet and gives her $200. To which she says "She'll be waiting
for you up stairs." The boy says "But she’s got to have active Herpes." The Madam
replies "But all my girls are clean!"
So out comes the wallet again and he gives her another $200. The Madam says "OK,
she will be ready for you in about 10 minutes".
So he goes up the stairs dragging the dead frog. 1/2 an hour later he comes down
the stairs, with a big grin on his face, still dragging the dead frog.
By now the Madam was just a touch curious so she asked him "Why did you come in
here, dragging a dead frog and asking for a girl with active herpes?".
"Well, it's like this", he says "When I get home tonight I'll shag the baby-sitter and
she'll get it. Then when my parents get home dad will drive her home and on the way
they'll stop and have sex, and he'll get it. Later when dad gets home mum and dad
will make love and she'll get it. And at about 9.30 tomorrow morning, when dad has
gone to work, the milkman will come round, shag my mother and he'll get it."

bon venue
A greek brings a ripped pair of trousers to his tailor. their greeting;

Pastoral story
What would you call a field of naked Greek women touching their toes?

Valiant warrior
What do you call a roman soldier with a pubic hair in his teeth?

Once upon a time, in the old days of the American West, three Indian squaws were
seated on buffalo hides outside the chief's wigwam. While two busied themselves
repairing moccasins, the third (and shortest in stature) would move from time to time
to stir the stew pot hanging from a high branch above the cooking fire. Their
discussion concerned their sons' prowess as warriors.
One squaw declared, "My son returned from last night's war party with the scalps of
three enemy braves." Not to be outdone, the second maintained, "My son puts yours
to shame. He returned from the same war party with the scalps of six enemy
The shortest squaw excused herself to tend to the stew pot, but returned after a short
delay with the report: "That pot was far too high above the fire; I had to lower it, or the
meal would never have been ready on time. My son, you should know, returned from

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last night's war party with the scalps of NINE enemy braves. After returning, he went
forth to hunt game and returned with the stag whose meat is now stewing in my pot!"
This display of one-upmanship established, if nothing else, that the son of the squaw
of the high pot news was the equal of the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

Bad turn
Q: what do you get if you nail an epileptic's foot to the floor?
A: a fitter and turner.

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Purple hair
A punk rocker gets on a bus, and notices an old man staring at him. "Whatareya
staring at ya old cunt, didn’t you ever do anything outrageous when you were young".
The old codger replies 'yes, as a matter of fact I once fucked a parrot and was
wondering if you were my son'.

A little girl sitting on a bus licking a lollipop. An old man shares the seat beside her.
the bus hits a bump and the girl drops her lollipop. the old guy reaches down, picks it
up, and hands it back to her. 'oh', he says, 'I see you have some fluff on your
sweetie' "Yes", the little girl replies proudly, "AND I'M ONLY NINE!".

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Its the 200th anniversary of the battle of little bighorn where general Custer met his
death. A museum is opened in his honour and a local artist is commissioned to paint
something appropriate. on the day of the unveiling, a wall mural is uncovered. it is a
painting of a huge fish, with lots of images of small Indians everywhere in various
stages of copulation. when asked to explain the painting's meaning, he replied that it
would have been Custers last thoughts; "holy mackeral, look at all those fucking

Nod off
Q; why have elephants got bigears?.
A; Noddy wouldn’t pay the ransom

The unfortunate English explorer captured by headhunters, and just when he thought
he was going to be cooked, he met the chief of the tribe; "shshsh why hello crackle
old chap pop". 'Greetings chief, boy am I sure glad to meet someone who can speak
English'. "shshsh why thank pop you for complimenting shshsh me on my crackle
English skills shshsh, do you know pop I learnt it shshsh from my crackle shortwave

A parched traveler whose vehicle broke down walks into the only saloon in an
outback town called Mercy. he staggers to the bar, and begs for a glass of water.
'nope, mate, its beer or nothing'. "don’t you have anything non alcoholic?". 'nope,
wait, I guess I could make a cup of our local favourite koala tea.'
Desperate, the traveler agrees. The barman fills a juicer with water, starts it
spinning, and drops in a live koala bear. The traveler is handed a cup with water plus
fur and bone spinning in it.
"yech, says the traveller, cant you at least strain it?". 'nope, mate, the koala tea of
Mercy is never strained'.
{its a pun on the salivation army platitude- 'the quality of mercy is never restrained'.
When these people are around it pays not to spit.}

ATM gone mad

A Gentleman had a serious problem. He had made several attempts to get into the
men's restroom, but found it to be occupied. The stewardess noticed that he was
walking funny, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face.
"Sir", she said; "The ladies restroom is unoccupied. You may use it if you promise
not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He was about to pop, and would have promised anything, so he agreed to her terms.
The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savoring the feeling, he noticed the
buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white buttons were identified by the
letters: "WW", "WA", and "PP", and there was one red button labeled "ATR".
Who would really know if he touched them? He couldn't just sit there and resist a
challenge like this, so he pushed the "WW" button.
Warm Water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. Such a nice feeling came over
him. The Men's restroom didn't have nice things like this.

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Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the "WA" button. Warm Air replaced
the warm water, wafted and swirled about, gently drying his underside. He knew
what he was going to do when the warm air stopped, and without hesitation, he
pressed the "PP" button.
A large Powder Puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant scent of spring flowers to
his unbelievable pleasure. The ladies room was far more than a restroom; it was a
place of tender loving pleasure!
He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did, he pushed what he
knew was going to be the ultimate joy!
He knew he was in the hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring
down at him with a smirk on her face...
"What happened?! How did I get here?! The last thing I remember, I was in the
ladies restroom on a flight to Atlanta!!!"
"You pushed one too many buttons.", replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to a
grin. "That last button marked "ATR" is an Automatic Tampax Remover. Your penis
is under your pillow."

Party time
Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress.
He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as
possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation,
he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there's a
big, bearded Vermonter standing there. "Names Enoch... Your neighbor from four
miles over the ridge...Havin a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come."
"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks.
Thank you." As Enoch is leaving he stops. "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some
"Not a problem...after 25 years in the computer business, I can do that with the best
of them."
Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin, too."
Damn, Sam thinks...tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks
Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties,
"Now that is not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months. I'll
definitely be there!.........By the way, what should I wear to the party?"
Enoch stops in the door again and says "Whatever you want, it's just gonna be the
two of us."

Knit wit
Three pregnant women knitting in doctors office. The first takes a pill and states
'vitamin e, for a good looking child'. The second takes a pill, saying 'iron, for a strong
boy'. Finally the third takes a pill and adds 'thalidimde, I just cant knit sleeves'.

Knot wit
Why do women knit while talking?
Gives them something to think about while talking.

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They landed the ship at deserted petrol station and got out to have a look... The first
Martian walked up the petrol bowser and said, "TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER!!"
and of course, no response, again the Martian demanded, "TAKE ME TO YOUR
LEADER!!" and again, no response.
The second Martian said, "Let's not bother this one, we'll find another one and ask it"
but the Martian asked again, "TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER!!" as there was no
reply, the first Martian pulled a huge gun on the petrol bowser and shot it, the petrol
station blew up in a mass of flames, the two Martians were sent hurtling through the
air and landed on the ground, the second Martian turned to the first and said, "I told
you to leave him alone, anyone that can wrap their dick around themselves 3 times
and stick it behind their ear shouldn't be messed with".

floor bored
Why are women like kitchen tiles ?
If you lay them properly in the first place you can walk all over them for the rest of
your life.

Why do women fake orgasm ?
Because they think men care.

GOD comes down to Adam, ' how’s things kid?'. 'Pretty good god, I like the fruit and
the pretty parrots, its just that I get a little lonely and a get real horny in the mornings'.
'Well Adam I got just the thing on the drawing board for you, its cute, obedient,
always moist, does your dishes and washing up, never complains, and is intelligent
all the time'.
'Say that’s great god, when can I have it?'.
'Well Adam, it will cost you, one arm and one leg'. (Adam thinks for a moment) 'Say
God, what do I get for just one rib?'

och aye canoe

Hear about the Indian in his canoe at night. very cold, so he stops and collects some
twigs and bracken, and lights it at his feet in the canoe. First his feet are warm, then
his canoe sinks, resulting in a drowned Indian.
Now the Indians tell the story as a moral; you cant have your kayak and heat it too.

Efficient chips
how do you know if an Essex girl is having an orgasm?
she stops eating her chips.

Cart blanche
What’s the difference between a shopping cart and a blonde? - the shopping cart has
a mind of its own

Answer phone message recorded from Medical specialist;

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If you are an obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-

dependant, please ask someone else to press 2. If you have multiple personalities,
press 3,4,5 and 6 simultaneously. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you
are and are tracing this call. If you are schizophrenic, wait and a voice will eventually
tell you which number to press. If you are depressive, don't bother pressing a
number, no-one will answer
Thank you for calling.

Math lesson
Little Johnny in school, math’s lesson. the teacher asks little Johnny; "if there were
three birds on a fence, ant the farmer pulled out his shotgun and shot one of them,
how many would be left?"
'None!' answers little Johnny. She asks him to explain why there are none, and he
says 'the other two would be scared off by the blast'.
"Not bad" she says, "its not the correct answer but I LIKE THE WAY YOU'RE
'I have a question for you teacher'. "well OKt, although its a little unusual, I'll answer
just one question little Johnny"
'Well miss, if there were three girls eating ice creams, and the first one was just
licking the tip, and the second one was licking around the middle, and the third one
put the whole icecream in her mouth, which one is married?'
"Well little Johnny, I guess its the last one"
'No miss, it's the one wearing the wedding ring, but I LIKE THE WAY YOURE

Check someone
Q. Why don't Samoans have cheque books?
A. It's hard to sign your name in spray paint.

Q. Why did the Paki trade his wife in for a dunny?
A. The smell was better, and the opening smaller

Q. Why are employers reluctant to give Maori workers tea breaks?
A. It takes too long to retrain them afterwards

Carried away
A man was driving down the road and was pulled over. "Hey mate!", the cop said,
"Do you realise your wife fell out of the car a couple of k's back??".
"Thank God!" the man replied, "I thought I'd gone deaf."

Q. How can you tell you're in a gay church?
A. Only half the congregation is kneeling.

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D’you hear?
Q. What's the definition of Jewish foreplay?
A. Two hours of begging.

Making glove
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as
they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of
gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a
pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and
the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man
sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
“I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we
go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long
ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she
had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try
yours on for me and she looked really smart.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will
come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they
will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will
wear them for me on Friday night. All my love.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

Clever maid
There's these three guys and they're out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of the
blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of
them a wish. Now one of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says: "Ok, if you can
really grant wishes, than double my I.Q."
The mermaid says: "Done." Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly
and analysing it with extreme insight.
The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid: "Triple my I.Q." The mermaid
says: "Done." The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems
that have been stumping all the scientists of varying fields: physics, chemistry, etc.
The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends, that he says to the
mermaid: "Quadruple my I.Q." The mermaid looks at him and says: "You know, I
normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish
you'd reconsider."
The guy says: "Nope, I want you to increase my I.Q. times four, and if you don't do it,
I won't set you free."
"Please," says the mermaid "You don't know what you're'll change your
entire view on the universe...won't you ask for something else...a billion dollars,
anything?" But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his I.Q.
increased by four times it's usual power. So the mermaid sighed and said: "Done."
And he became a woman.

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One Winter's evening Prince Charles comes home to High Grove one to find
"Charles is a wanker written in the snow outside the front door. On closer inspection
the Prince can see it has been written with urine. He quickly summons his detective
and orders him to do tests on the urine to reveal the identity of the perpetrator of this
crime. A few hours later the detective reveals his findings to the prince. "I have bad
news sir", says the detective "unfortunately the urine sample was that of Will
"Oh as I thought" said the prince "what is so unfortunate about that?" The detective
replies "It's Princess Di's hand writing"

good guess
A man walks into a fish and chip shop... He queues quietly, and asks for a portion of
chips and cod. As he's paying he asks the woman serving him:
"How old am I?"
"How old do you think I am?"
"Well.. I'd guess about 35 or so"
"Ha! I'm 42, what do you think of that?"
And with that, he walks out of the fish and chip shop.
After this, he walks on to the post office, munching his chips. There, he buys a book
of stamps. Again, as he's paying up, he asks:
"How old do you think I am then?"
"What? Oh, I don't know - erm, 35?"
"No - I'm 42, what do you think of that?"
And again he walks out.
The man then goes and stands at the bus stop, where an old lady is waiting for the
number 47. He taps her on the shoulder and asks:
"How old do you think I am?"
"Drop your trousers, and I'll tell you."
"If you drop your trousers, I'll be able to tell."
He considers this for a moment, then drops his trousers. The old lady reaches out
and weighs his manhood in her hand for a bit.
"You're 42.", she says eventually.
"Wow - that's clever, how can you tell?"
"I was standing behind you in the chip shop."

Foul fowl
There was this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a
pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is,
the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is
driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the
throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad
and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and
locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and
scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of
vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first
few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it
suddenly gets *VERY* quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think
that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that

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he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched
arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve
my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded. He can't understand the
transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way,
what did the chicken do?"

fair judge
Three guys were brought before the judge on drugs charges. This was their first
offence and the Judge said to them "As this is your first offence I will give you one
week to convert people away from using drugs. When you come back, I will ask you
how many people you convinced to stop using drugs and then pass sentence on
each of you."
One week passed and the three men were again brought before the judge. The
judge asked the first man, "How many people did you convert?" The first man
answered "Well your honour, I converted 50 people away from drugs." The judge
thought this was quite incredible and asked "How did accomplish this feat?" The man
replied "Your honor, I thought about how to do this and came up with this idea. When
I spoke to somebody I had a five cent and a fifty cent piece in each hand. I held up
the fifty cent piece and said "This is your brain before taking drugs". Then holding up
the five cent piece I said "and this is your brain after taking drugs." The judge thought
this was quite ingenious and discharged the man without conviction.
The second man was brought before the judge and he asked him "How many people
did you convert?" The second man answered "Well your honour, I converted 45
people away from drugs." The judge thought this was also quite incredible and asked
"How did you accomplish this?". The man replied "Well your honor, I thought about
how to do this and could not come up with any idea. I saw what the first guy was
doing and I copied him. When I spoke to somebody I had a five cent and a fifty cent
piece in each hand. I held up the fifty cent piece and said "this is your brain before
taking drugs". Then holding up the five cent piece I said "and this is your brain after
taking drugs." The judge thought for a few minutes and then gave him a suspended
The third man was brought before the judge and he asked him "How many people did
you convert?" The third man answered "Well your honour, I converted 250 people
away from drugs." The judge was quite astounded and asked "The other 2 guys only
did 95 between them how did you manage to convert 250 people?" The man replied
"Your honour, I saw what the other two guys were doing and I made a slight change
with the idea. When I spoke to somebody I had a five cent and a fifty cent piece in
each hand. I held up the five cent piece and said "This is your arsehole before going
to jail.............."

long + winding
Hickory dickory dock
Three mice ran up the clock
The clock struck one
And the rest escaped with minor injuries...

what is clear and smells of catfood?
pensioners farts

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Statue Bro?
Two statues in a park, one of a gorgeous young girl, and one of an adonis like bloke.
one night the heavens part and GOD speaks - 'my dear statues, you have remained
in my service for many decades, so I give to you two hours in which you can be free'.
the two statues come alive, grasp hands, and rush into the nearby bushes. nothing
can be seen for an hour and a half except the wild swaying of the bushes. then at
one point a clearing appears and the female can be seen, in a state of near
exhaustion, lying on the grass. she looks up at the male, and with a naughty says
huskily "shall we do it again".
Eagerly the male replies 'ok - you hold the pigeon and ill shit on him'.

if a bloke wears a jock strap, what does a girl wear?
a fan belt

rugby similarity
what do Jonah Lomu and princess Di have in common-
both fucking good rugby players

Clean nun
What do you call a nun in a washing machine?

slow fowl
This farmer was dissatisfied with the performance of his rooster, so he bought a
second one. upon meeting, the two roosters agreed to have half the hens each.
problem was, there were 101 hens, so the old rooster suggested they race for the
odd extra one. seemed like a sure bet to the new rooster, so he agreed, even as far
as giving the old guy a head start. The race started, and the new rooster was clearly
faster, they raced around the back of the farmhouse with the new guy catching up,
down the side of the farmhouse and the gap between em reduced, and across the
front, with the new rooster about to overtake.
The old farmer saw them run past, reached for his shotgun, and blew the new rooster
to pillow stuffing. he leaned back and called out - 'dang it mabel that’s the third queer
rooster I bought this week'.

Horse sense
A large white horse walks into a pub and orders a pint. the publican, looking at the
top shelf, remarks 'say we got a whisky named after you. taken aback, the horse
says "wot- Eric?".

Good deed mate

A Gulf Air flight en route to Sydney suddenly has an engine blow, and with regret the
captain gets on the intercom and announces to the passengers, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, we have lost all power and we are to crash. God bless you all, and
goodbye". Upon hearing this, a beautiful young woman sitting in the first row stands
up, rips all her clothes off and shouts, "I'm 21, and a virgin (obviously not an air
hostess), would someone like to make me feel like a woman before I die?" So an
Australian a few rows behind her says, "I will", rips off all his clothes, throws them at
her and says, "Here, wash these".

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A Will and a way

Will Carling walked into shop up to the counter and asked the lady serving for a
"packet of Condoms", the lady replies " I'm sorry sir you can't buy Condoms here we
only sell auto spares. Will looks blankly at her for a moment then asks "In that case
may I have a coil for a 1981 Princess !!!

Math story
Once upon a time (1/T) pretty little Polly Nomial was strolling through a field of
Vectors when she came to the edge of a singularly large matrix.
Now Polly was convergent and her mother had made it an absolute condition that she
must never enter an array without her brackets on. Polly however, who had changed
her variables that morning, was feeling particularly badly behaved and ignored this
boundary condition on the grounds that it was insufficient and made her way in
among the complex elements.
Rows and columns enveloped her on all sides and tangents approached her surface.
She became tensor and tensor until, quite suddenly, three branches of a hyperbola
touched her at a single point. She oscillated violently, lost all sense directrix, and
went completely divergent. As she reached a turning point, she tripped over s square
root which was protruding from the erf and plunged headlong down a steep gradient.
When she was differentiated once more she found herself apparently alone in a non-
euclidean space.
She was being watched; that smooth operator, Curly Pi, was lurking inner product
and as his eyes devoured her curvilinear co-ordinates a singular expression crossed
his face.
"Was she still convergent?" he wondered.
He decided to integrate improperly at once.
Hearing a vulgar fraction behind her, Polly turned around and saw Curly Pi
approaching with his power series extrapolated. She could see at once by his
degenerate conic and dissipative terms that he was bent on no good.
"Eureka!" she gasped.
"HO ho" he said, "What a symmetric little polynomial you are. I can see your just
bubbling over with secs."
"Oh sir" she protested, "keep away from me - I haven't got my brackets on."
"Calm yourself, my dear," said our suave operator, "your fears are purely imaginary."
"I, I" she thought, "perhaps he's homogenous then?"
"What order are you ?" the brute demanded.
"Seventeen" she replied.
"I suppose you've never been operated on before," he leered.
"Of course not!" Polly cried indignantly. "I'm absolutely convergent."
"Come, come," said Curly, "lets off to a decimal place I know and I'll take you to the
"Never!" gasped Polly.
"FORTRAN!" he swore using the most debase oath he knew. His patience had gone,
so, coshing her over the coefficient with a log until she was powerless, Curly
removed her discontinuities. He stared at her significant places and began smoothing
her points of inflection. Poor Polly, all was up. She felt his hand tending to her
asymptotic limit. Her convergence would soon be gone for- ever! There was no
mercy, for Curly was a heavy side operator. He integrated by parts, he integrated by
partial fractions, and then the complete beast went all the round and integrated over

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the surface. Curly went on operating until he was absolutely and completely
When Polly got home that evening, her mother noticed that she had been truncated
in several places. But it was too late to differentiate now, and as the months went by,
Polly increased monotonically. Finally she generated a small but pathological function
that left surds all over the place until she was driven to distraction.
The moral to the story is this: If you want your expressions to remain convergent,
never allow them a single degree of freedom.

Here’s what happens if you slightly scramble a famous quote;
HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS? -- Can you drive a French motorcycle?
EX POST FUCTO -- Lost in the mail
IDIOS AMIGOS -- We're wild and crazy guys!
VENI, VIPI, VICI -- I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered.
COGITO EGGO SUM -- I think; therefore I am a waffle.
RIGOR MORRIS -- The cat is dead.
REPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID -- Honk if you're Scottish.
QUE SERA SERF -- Life is feudal.
LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI -- The king is dead. No kidding.
POSH MORTEM -- Death styles of the rich and famous
PRO BOZO PUBLICO -- Support your local clown.
MONAGE A TROIS -- I am three years old.
FELIX NAVIDAD -- Our cat has a boat.
HASTE CUISINE -- Fast French food
VENI, VIDI, VICE -- I came, I saw, I partied.
QUIP PRO QUO -- A fast retort
ALOHA OY -- Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you should never know.
MAZEL TON -- tons of luck
APRES MOE LE DELUGE -- Larry and Curly got wet.
PORTE-KOCHERE -- Sacramental wine
ICH LIEBE RICH -- I'm really crazy about having dough.
FUI GENERIS -- What's mine is mine.
VISA LA FRANCE -- Don't leave your chateau without it.
CA VA SANS DIRT -- And that's not gossip.
MERCI RIEN -- Thanks for nothin'!
AMICUS PURIAE -- Platonic friend
L'ETAT, C'EST MOO -- I'm bossy around here.

Who to Asp
Two bikers were riding in the outback. They stopped for a rest at the side of the
road, and one of them had a pee over an old thorn bush. Suddenly a snake flashed
out and bit his member. He screamed and was rolling around on the dirt in agony.
Hs mate rushed over, and saw what happened, leapt on his bike, and raced back to
the nearest town. After he described what had happened, the doc asked him to
describe the snake. After he mentioned the bright yellow rings, the Doc said, “Well,
that’s a poisonous viper. The only hope is to cut a ring around the bite, and suck the
poison out, otherwise the bite’s likely to be fatal”.
The biker raced down the road to his mate. ‘Guess what Bro - yer gonna die!”.

Fan Belt
A Woman goes to the doctors and says "Doctor, I seem to have three fannies". The
doctor removes her knickers and sure enough she has three fannies. He goes to his
cupboard, brings back two plasters and puts one on the left fanny and one on the

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"What's that going to do" she asks.

"Well it will stop you being shagged left, right and center" replies the doctor!!!

Lost path
A drunk stumbles down the road, bumps into a man walking the opposite way.
"'scuse me” says the drunk, “ but could you tell me the direction to the other side of
the road ?"
The puzzled man looks at the drunk and says " Er, yeh sure mate it just over
there...". " Ah cheers mate… some lousy bastard just sent me over here" replies the

What's the difference between Toast & Women?
You can make soldiers out of toast!

Pinocchio goes up to his dad and says "dad , can I talk to you about anything?"
"Course you can!" replies father in surprise, "Its just that every time I get a girl back
to my flat and we go at it , she keeps screamin Splinter!' . I am at my wits end , what
am I to do?" So his dad gives him a sheet of sandpaper and says "Here son, you
know what to do.." Pinocchio thanks him and goes away. 2 weeks later , the long
nosed one trots in and father asks him , "How did it go with the girls?" to which
Pinocchio replies "GIRLS? WHAT GIRLS?"

What's the definition of making love ?
It's what your girl-friend does when you're fucking her.

A young lady wanders into he bosses office with a tampon over her ear. ‘Miss
Grisenko, why have you got a tampon over your ear?. The girl goes deathly
pale….’oh god, where’s my pencil’.

Wish Granted
Bill Gates bumped into Hugh Grant one day and said, "Hugh, I'm really in need of
Divine Brown's services, can you give me her number?"
Hugh gave Bill the number. Bill called Divine and made a date.
They met, and she "serviced" him according to his wishes. After they were done, Bill
said, "Now, I know why you chose Divine as your business name."
Divine replied, "Now I know why you chose Microsoft as yours."

Grand entry
A zoo acquires at great expense, a very large female gorilla of a rare species. Right
from the outset she is very bad tempered and very difficult to handle. The zoo's vet,
after examination, boldly announces that her problem is that she's in heat. If she was
to be mated she would become docile and adjust to her new surroundings.
But what to do? There are no males of her species available and the other male
gorillas are terrified of her. Whereupon, the zoo administrators remember that one of

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their zoo keepers, an Irishman called O'Reilly, who is responsible for cleaning
animals' cages, is a large man and notorious for his abilities with the opposite sex.
Perhaps they could persuade him to placate the gorilla.
So they approach O'Reilly with a proposition. Would he be willing to do nature's best
with the gorilla for 1000 dollars? O'Reilly asks for the night to think things over and
on the following day, says that he'll accept the offer on three conditions.
"Firstly, dere's to be no kissing."
"Secondly, I want any offspring to be raised Roman Cat'lic."
The zoo administration quickly agrees to these conditions. But what about the third?
"Well," says O'Reilly, "you've got to give me some time to come up with the 1000

Slim chance
An overweight bloke goes to a clinic which guarantees to have you lose a pound for
every ten dollars spent. He hands over 50 dollars, and is led into a room where he is
fitted into a tight thick neoprene sweat suit. Then a lovely young girl with long flowing
blonde hair and completely naked is led into the room, with a sign which says “IF
Try as he might he cant quite catch her, but indeed he loses 5 pounds in the process.
He decides he could catch her if he had longer, so he returns with $200 dollars and
asks to lose 20 pounds. He is led into the same room and fitted with a neoprene suit.
But instead of the young sweetie a gorilla is led in with a sign “IF I CATCH YOU

Tied old joke

A piece of string walks into a bar and is just about to order a beer when the barman
comes up to him and says "Hey, we don't serve pieces of string here, now get the
heck out of my bar!". Hurt and upset the piece of string leaves the bar.
Ten minutes later the piece of string comes back in. He has thrown himself into a
tight loop and frizzed up his hair. He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The
bartender looks him up and down and says "Hey ain't you that piece of string that
was in here before?". "No" string replied "I'm a frayed knot".

Pure filth
Two policemen go into a nightclub to check for under age drinkers and drunks and
such. As they attempt to pass the bouncer, the huge man stops them and says "You
gents got any I.D ?".
The two policeman just look at him for a second and then say "but we're policemen!".
"Oh yeah so you are" the bouncer replies, " HAVE . . . . . . YOU. . . . . GOT. . . . .

What a gas
Hear about the bloke whose flatulence sounded like someone sighing 'HONDA' out
loud. On seeing the doctor he found he had an abscess. (apparently 'Abscess
makes the fart go Honda!').

Bored tortillas
Of course there is also the story about the expensive elective surgery which
Mexicans undertake which musically tunes the lower bowel, and on receiving a
calibration certificate they can then join Herb Allfart and the Tijuana Ass.

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The Pits
This really clueless guy walks into a biker clubhouse and announces "I want to be a
biker!". The bikers laugh and say, "well then, you'll have to pass an initiation."
The guy says "What kind of initiation?" The head biker points him to a hallway with
three doors. "Behind door one, there's a two-four. You have five minutes to chug it.
Behind door two, there's a pit bull with an abcessed tooth. You have to pull it.
Behind door three there is an old whore who you have to give an orgasm to!.”
Immediately the guy disappeared into the first room.
3 minutes later he comes out, having drank the whole case. "We're impressed! Two
more to go!"
In the second room, the bikers hear scratching, biting and growling. The guy comes
out two minutes later, bleeding and exhausted, but still raring to go. "Right, now
where's that whore with the absessed tooth?"

The soft life

A young man was shipwrecked on a remote island. There was nothing for him to do
except play with himself. After many years even that stopped. He was always
preparing for the day when he would be saved.
One morning he saw a ship turn into the cove and he quickly ran to the woodpile and
started it afire. He then threw wet seaweed on top and the smoke was bellowing high
in the air. All of a sudden the ship starts to come his way. He gets all excited and
thinks ‘I finally am going to be saved. The first thing I want is to take a hot shower -
then they are going to give me some clothes and I am going to go upstairs and have
a nice dinner. I will find a nice lady to dance with then I will take to her cabin and we
can kiss and I can fondle her body. She will start to take off her clothes and she will
be wearing red satin panties, and I will rub them’. With this he finally starts to get an
erection; he slips his hand into his shorts, grabs his pecker and yells, "Ha, Ha, Ha - I

Garter story
So this young man was in the insane asylum. He appeared mostly sane to everyone,
but never passed the exit examination because when asked what he would do if he
got out, he would say ‘I’m coming back to break every window in the damn place’.
Finally the examining doctor explained; “Look son, both you and I know that you are
a healthy young lad, and we would let you out in a moment if you just stop
threatening to break windows. Now tell me, what are you going to do when you get
‘Well, first I’m going to get a job’. “Excellent, Excellent, then what?”.
‘Well, then I’m going to get a nice flat and I’m going to buy some furniture’. “This is
wonderful, do go on”.
‘And a nice couch, and some good clothes’. “Very good….”
‘And I’m going to go to a club and find a pretty girl, and take her home’. “yes,
‘And sit her on the couch and start to sit close, and put my hand on her knee’. “Yes,
‘And slide my hand up her leg’. “YES, YES….”.
‘And take off her garter belt’. “YES, YES, YES…….”.
‘And make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in the

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Molar contract
Bloke goes to the dentist and sits down in the chair. As the dentist bends over to
start drilling the bloke grabs him between the legs. The dentist looks at the bloke in
much surprise and enquires what the matter is. The bloke replies: " Now we're not
going to hurt each other, are we?"

Fast earner
Lady goes to the dentist requiring a tooth to be pulled. 'How much to pull this tooth,
Doc?' she asks.
'$90' the Doc replies.
'NINETY dollars for two minutes work!!!?'
'Well I could do it slowly if you prefer!'

The Pianist
A young gunman swaggers into a saloon, looking for trouble. Unable to pick a fight
with any of the patrons, he gets annoyed at the piano playing, and shoots the
chandelier down onto the pianist.
An old timer, watching, remarks ‘Say sonny, ever thought about filing the sites off the
six shooter?. The kid’s first instinct is to shoot the old guy, but then thinks that
maybe there is some wisdom in the suggestion, after all, he never uses the sights
and it must slow up the slide out of the holster.
‘Might just do that old timer’.
‘Maybe you might also polish the barrel’. Seemed like a good idea too, this old timer
might know a few tricks. ‘Good idea old man’.
‘Maybe you might file off the trigger guard’. Now this was pretty radical, in fact
downright dangerous, but might be worth some experimenting.
‘Maybe you might also file off the trigger’. ‘Say, that’s downright stupid, I wouldn’t be
able to fire the damn thing!’.
‘True, but it will be a whole lot more comfortable when Wyatt Earp gets out from
under that chandelier and shoves it up yer ass, sonny’.

Genial gift
A bloke arrived at a bar in a red Ferrari. All the patrons watched as he got out and to
their surprise out of his passenger door emerged this huge Emu with a little dwarf
type on it’s back.
They all wandered into the bar, the bloke ordered two pints. The barman said ‘that
will be $4,80, thanks mate’. The little short guy had a real tantrum, yelling ‘I wont
pay, I wont pay’. The bloke pulled out his wallet, handed over a $20 bill, and said
‘keep the change’.
This repeated several times, until the barman asked what the story was. The bloke
explained - ‘Well, I was touring Egypt, and found this brass jug thingy. As I was
cleaning it up, a Genie popped out, and offered me three wishes. My first wish was a
red Ferrari, and my second wish was a never empty wallet’.
‘And what was your third wish’.
‘I asked for a long legged bird with a tight cunt’.

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Donut holder
How can you tell the most popular bloke at a nudist colony? - The guy carrying the 12
donuts and the two cups of coffee.
How can you tell the most popular girl? - She’s the one eating the last donut!.

Three young girls were discussing their prospective husbands. The first girl boasted
the he was going to take her for a one year world cruise. The second one said the he
was going to buy he a flash car, and the third one said that her man could hold 12
pigeons on the end of his erect dong.
They met again some years later, and compared husbands. The first said that it
turned out to be a only a ferry trip. The second wound up with a used Holden car
that had trouble starting, and the third complained that it turned out to be only four
pigeons, and the one at the end had to flap!.

Name joke
What is the similarity between Eric the Viking, Ivan the Terrible, and Rudolf the
Rednosed Reindeer?
Same middle name.

Short story
A vertically challenged individual was being teased by his mates, he had a tattoo on
his willie that someone had seen, which said ‘Shorty’. His girlfriend told them to shut
up, as when he got hard the tattoo read ‘Shorty’s Bar and Grill, Ontario, Canada’.

Packed early
Apparently there was a huge fire in one of the hotels in Fort St. The place was full of
gays and lesbians. The fire service said the gays got out first (they had their shit
packed the night before).

Hearing Boon
Apparently Daniel Boone was a very good woodsman. Historians attribute his talent
to his excellent hearing, largely due to the fact that he had three ears, a left ear, a
right ear, and a wild front ear.

Just desert
After several months service a young lad in the foreign legion asked a colleague what
the normal process was for relieving sexual tension. The colleague, an experienced
legionaire, advised the lad that it was common to wait until the camel train arrived.
One morning a little while later the young lad noticed all the other legionaires washing
and cleaning up, and asked what the deal was. He was told that the preparations
were due to the imminent arrival of the camel train. Duly there was shout from the
parapet, and the men all started running out into the desert. The young lad,
struggling to keep up, asked ‘why are we running’.
“Christ lad, you don’t want an ugly camel do ya”

Barrel of fun
After several months service a young lad in the foreign legion asked a colleague what
the normal process was for relieving sexual tension. The colleague, an experienced

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legionaire, advised the lad that a select few used a particular barrel with an unusual
knot hole, every Tuesday night. At first the boy was disgusted at the prospect but
after a few months his juices had backed up so much that he decided he needed to
try the barrel.
On the appointed Tuesday night he joined the rest of the men, and waited at the back
of the queue with some trepidation. However he found the experience to be not only
satisfying but actually so pleasurable that he was quite addicted, and found himself
the next week one forward in the queue. Each following Tuesday night his place was
one person forward, until one week he remarked to his mate that he was excited
because tonight he would be first in the queue.
‘True, and next week is your turn in the barrel’.

New job
A young lad looking for a job finally applies for a sewage works position. He gets
taken around the site, and his nose is wrinkled in disgust. The old guy showing him
around is quite passionate about the job, and tries to instill some appreciation of the
finer points into the young lad.
'Well laddie (this kind of job is often held by people of Scottish extraction for some
reason, perhaps because they are not deterred at the prospect of sitting on stools all
day) its a fine way to learn about people'.
The lad: "how on earth can you learn about people in here"
'well let me show you...'. The Scotsman reaches down and scoops out a turd,
mulches it between his fingers ' take this person, (examines the crap in the
light and notices metal filings) obviously a metal worker'. He scoops out another,
mulches it, 'and by the dusty feel of this, this man was a wood worker'.
Then he scoops down for a third turd, examines it briefly, then flings it back in horror
exclaiming - 'Yech'. The lad asks what was wrong with that one, and the Scotsman
explained it was from a homosexual.
"How do you know that?"
'It was dented in one end!'

Another round?
And did you hear what it will take to re-unite the Beatles?
Three more bullets…

What do The Beatles and Madonna's ankles have in common? - they haven’t been
together since 1969

Hear about the midget psychic that escaped from the mental home?. The headlines

What’s female and has two brain cells?
A pregnant blonde.

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A bloke had been to the doctor, and now asked his wife to apply a rectal ointment in
the same way that the doctor had applied it;
'And how was that dear'
"Well let me see, he put his right hand on my right shoulder,….. and then he put his
left hand on my left shoulder, ......... THE BASTARD!"

The Ballad of
Bobbit Millbillie
(Sung to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies)
Come and listen to a story about a man named John,
A poor ex-marine with a little fraction gone.
It seems one night after gettin with his wife,
she lopped off his willie with the swipe of her knife.
(penis that is - clean cut, missed his nuts).
Well the next thing you know there’s a ginsu by his side,
Lorena in the car takin’ Willie for a ride,
she soon got tired of her purple headed friend,
And tossed him out the window as she came around the bend.
(curve that is, prickly shrubs, wheel hubs)
She went to the cops and confessed to the attack,
they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back,
They sniffed and they barked and they pointed ‘Over There’,
To Bobbits little dickhead that was waving in the air.
(found that is, by a fence, evidence)
Now Bobbit and his Willie couldn’t stay apart too long,
so the Dick Doc said ‘Hey I can fix your Dong’,
A needle and a thread is all you’re gonna need,
And the whole world waited till they heard that Johnny peed.
(whizzed that is, even seam, straight stream)
Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court,
with a cock eyed lawyer since his assets came up short,
they cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape,
and his pecker was the only thing they didn’t show on tape
(video that is, unexposed, case closed).

Oh Dear
Q: what’s the difference between Humour and Odour?.
A: Humour is a SHift of Wit.

Q: what’s the difference between a seagull and a baby?.
A: the seagull FLits along the SHore

Clowning gory
Q: what’s the difference between a circus and a striptease show?.
A: a circus is a Cunning array of STunts.

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Q: what’s the difference between a crosseyed archer and a constipated owl?
A: the crosseyed archer SHoots but cant Hit.

Carping on
Q: what’s the difference between a mountain goat and a goldfish?.
A: the goldfish Mucks around the Fountain.

Bad fit
Q: what’s the difference between an epileptic oystershucker and a prostitute with
A: the epileptic oystershucker SHucks between Fits.

New angle
There was a young angel called Rayloe
who hard by his ass wore his halo
when asked it's intent
he replied, as he bent,
"it sanctifies those who would play low"

Heaven: Cooks are French, nannies are British, engineers are German, lovers are
Italian and the bankers are Swiss.
Hell: Cooks are British, nannies are German, engineers are Italian, lovers are Swiss
and bankers are French...

On his honeymoon sailing the ocean
a tightwad displayed much emotion
when he learned, one fine day
he'd been fucking away,
what could have been bottled as lotion!

Lawn Order
The sales manager at a large department store is introducing the newest employee
to the art of salesmanship. With the typical salesman gusto and enthusiasm of
Manager - Son, when the customers come in you gotta give em the full on sales
service! Don't just give em what they want, sell em up my boy, sell em what they
really need!
Trainee - OK Sir !
Customer enters the store...
Manager - Here we go son, I'll do the first one, you watch and learn, then you can do
the next.
Trainee - OK Sir !
Manager - GOOD MORNING Sir, and WHAT can I help you with this morning?
Customer - I'd like a bag of grass seed please.

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Manager - Certainly sir, and would you like a lawnmower with that ?
Customer - No thanks, just the seed please.
Manager - But sir, when the grass grows you're gonna have to keep it trim, now I
recommend the.......(sells him a lawn mower)
Trainee - WOW that was GREAT sir!
Manager - That's how you do it my boy, sell em up, SELL em up! (customer walks in
the store) NOW it's your turn son! GO GET HIM!
Trainee - GOOD MORNING Sir, and WHAT can I help you with this morning?
Customer - (whispers) I'd like a box of tampons please.
Trainee - Certainly sir, and would you like a lawnmower with that ?
Customer - Ah, Pardon ?
Trainee - Well your weekends fucked you might as well mow the lawns.

Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were.
The First was an Engineer who said his dog could do Geometry. His dog was named
T.Square, and he told her to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a
triangle, which the dog did with no sweat.
Next, the Accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named Slide
Rule. He told her to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back and divide them into
piles of three; which she did with no problem.
The Chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog, Measure
was told to get a quart of milk and pour 7 ounces into a 10 ounce glass. The dog did
this with no problem.
All men agreed this was very good and that their dogs were equally smart. They all
turned to the Union Member and said "What can your dog do?"
The Union Member called his dog whose name was Coffee Break and said "Show
the fellows what you can do". Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the
milk and shit on the paper, screwed the other three dogs and claimed he injured his
back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for
Workers Compensation and left for home on sick leave.

St Peters chores
An elderly lady finally expires and is greeted at the gate by St Peter. On checking
her records, St Peter gives a slight exclamation and leads the old dear to a disused
and dusty ante room. She's most concerned, 'St Peter, what have I done wrong, why
don’t I go with the rest of them?'. St Peter replies that she is a very unusual case, in
that she led an absolutely exemplary life and as a result she would be given a special
dispensation, and he added that this hadn't occurred for 200 years.

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After a short wait, an angel arrived and pulled a slip of paper out of a golden hat, and

read out the dispensation: "Thee may spendeth one full day upon the earth, and thee
may assumeth the person of whomsoever thou chooseth, and none of thy sins
commiteth upon that day shall be recordeth unto thy ledger against thee". They
waited for the old dear do choose who she wanted to be, expecting a long delay, but
were surprised that the old dear chose immediately. "I want to go back as Sarah

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St Peter looked up in his records to find out who this Sarah Pipilene was, but found
no trace. He asked the old girl, "Where did you hear of this person, is she perhaps a
character in a book?". No replied the old dear, she had read about her in the papers.
They scanned all of the records of the papers from her time, and finally found a local
published a day or two before she passed away that had the headline "SAHARA

Check this out

A bloke wanders into KMart, goes up to the counter, and asks for a pack of
Condoms. The checkout tart asks - 'what size'. 'Dunno'. 'Well flop it out on this', so
he drops his wilbur onto her glove covered hand. The girl judges its weight, leans
over to the microphone and says 'A PACKET OF LARGE CONDOMS TO
Later another chap comes up, same question, same procedure, this time the
After a while longer a young lad goes to the counter, and in a very shy whisper asks
for a packet of condoms. The checkout girl leans forward and whispers 'drop you
willie on this'. He does so and she leans forward into the microphone and says 'A

Superior humour
Mother superior is asking a class of young girls what they will do upon leaving the
convent school.
1st. girl "I am going to stay on and become a nun."
Mother superior: "Excellent"
2nd.girl "I am going to be a nurse."
Mother superior: "Well done."
3rd. girl "I am going to become a prostitute."
Mother superior: very angrily "I beg your pardon."
3rd girl "I am going to be a prostitute."
Mother superior: "Thank goodness for that, I thought for a moment you said

I’m so soiree
This joke is kinda old - about the time that New Zealand’s prime minister was Robert
Muldoon, a squat short man who was responsible for our Sink Big policies of the 80’s
which led to the relative state of poverty that our health and education services are
enjoying now. The story is actually about Robert Muldoon’s wife Thea, who is a
purported to be great cook. One of her friends decided to have an afternoon soiree,
and asked Thea for a suitable recipe. Thea suggested her old standby, turtle soup.
So on the morning of the soiree, the friend rings Thea in a panic - ‘Help, I cant do the
recipe!’. Thea immediately tears around to her house, and is shown the problem. ‘I
have to cut their heads off. I hold the turle with this hand, and pull the head out with
This hand. But when I go to grab the chopper, the turtle pulls his head back in’.
“Simple”, explains Thea. She dons a rubber glove, and jams her pinky up the turtle’s
backside. The head pops out, and she leisurely chops it off.
‘Brilliant’ says the friend. ‘Where did you learn that trick.
“Well actually I have to do it every morning to get Robert’s tie on”.

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Towel movement
The Parish commission at Roylette
bought their vicar a brand new toilet
but he still voids his bowels
on a heap of old towels
he's so very reluctant to soil it

The long and

winding rodent
There was a young fellow named Price
who dabbled in all sorts of vice
he had virgins and boys
and mechanical toys
and on Mondays.... he meddled with mice

One foot nails

Q: What do you get if you nail an epileptic’s foot to the floor?
A: A fitter and Turner!

Recipe #1
A fag goes to his doctor...
FAG - Doc help me I've got AIDS!!!
DOC - OK, this is what you do, You get used to eating flounder, omelets and
FAG - and then I'll be cured ?
DOC - No, that’s all they can slide under the door!.

Recipe #2
A fag goes to his doctor...
FAG - Doc help me I've got AIDS!!!
DOC - OK, this is what you do, You eat prunes!, For breakfast you eat prunes, for
lunch you eat prunes, for dinner you eat prunes. For snacks you eat prunes, even
when your not hungry you eat prunes! As many as you can, as often as you can, eat
more and more prunes. And then... when you can't eat any more prunes... drink
prune juice, lots and lots of prune juice, many times a day, heaps of prune juice!
That’s what you do!
FAG - and then I'll be cured ?
DOC - No, but it will teach you what your butthole is for!

A bloke at a country golf club was waiting at the bar for his golf partner, who never
showed. Having the gift of the gab, he was talking to another bloke there, who, as it
transpired, had also been stood up by his golfing partner. The bloke suggested that
they do a game together.
The bloke was chatting away to his new golf partner for a while and, about the 6 th
hole, realised that the other bloke hadn’t said much at all. In a bid to get him to talk,
the bloke asked a bunch of questions;

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‘So, tell me about yourself. What do you do for a living?’

“Oh, you wouldn’t believe me”
‘Yes I would, try me’.
(after a lot more persuasion)…….”I’m an ASSASSIN”
‘Christ, you cant be. Surely not’
So to prove it the other bloke takes his number 9 club, unscrews it, and reassembles
it into a high powered rifle, sights and all.
‘Jesus, you are an assassin. How does it work’.
The bloke examines the number 9 rifle as the assassin explains - “I’m a crack shot.
Charge $10,000 per bullet, guaranteed to not miss”.
‘Christ, these sights are good, you can see clear into the buildings on the far
ridge…..hey….(adjusts sights) there’s a naked couple making out near a window in
that building’. (more adjusting of sights). ‘Jesus, that’s my wife and my best friend’.
The bloke immediately commands the assassin to ‘put a bullet in her head and shoot
the bastards nuts off’.
After a little more persuading the assassin agrees. He kneels down and takes aim,
and waits….and waits....
‘Hurry up, before they move away from the window’
“If you just hang on a minute, I can save you the cost of a bullet!”

Golf tips
A bloke at a country golf club was waiting at the bar for his golf partner, who never
showed. Having the gift of the gab, he was talking to another bloke there, who, as it
transpired, had also been stood up by his golfing partner. The bloke suggested that
they do a game together.
As soon as he got out to collect the golf clubs however, he realised what a terrible
error he had made because the other bloke had the most ridiculous set of clubs - a
wooden mallet, a hockey stick, a broom…and not a single proper club.
Too embarrassed to comment and unable to find a way out, the bloke decided to
carry on with the game as though every thing was normal.
Very quickly however it became clear that the other bloke was actually a deadly shot
with the ‘clubs’ he was using. Just after he had sunk a hole in one at 150 meters with
a pool queue, the bloke asks the stranger - ‘say buddy, you sure are handy with them
wooden contraptions, just think how good you would be if you had a decent set of
“Well ever since I was born I have had the talent where I am absolutely unbeatable at
any sport, so I use these dumb clubs to give the other guy a sporting chance”
They carry on in silence for a few more holes, but the bloke is really off his game,
and the stranger is clearly winning. Just as the stranger drops a 200 meter shot to
within 10 meters of the hole using a broken baseball bat the bloke asks - ‘Say I been
wondering, if you handicap yourself at anything competitive, how do you have sex?’.
“Been wondering how long till you asked that question. Usually I do it standing in a

William Penn was a great US statesman and orator, noted for his eloquence. Many
Historians accredit his skill to a period in his formative years when his two aunties
had a big falling out, which was widely reported in the media. It seems that they

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started a cake and pie shop together and did a roaring trade because of the excellent
tarts and pies that they vended, but the fell out in a big argument about how much
they should be charging. This was reported in the papers as ‘the Pie Rates of Penn’s
(Actually the problem with costing pies is connected to the problem of judging their
weight, and in the days of Penn’s Aunts they used some atmospheric method
involving sun and rain, which has been since lost. In fact the last reference was
something alluded to in ‘The Wizard of Oz’ where the lyrics went ‘Somewhere, over
the rainbow, weigh a pie’.

Child humour
A few days after Christmas, Mother was working in her kitchen and listening to her
small son playing in the adjoining room. She heard the train stop and her son say
"All you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off right now 'cause this is the last
stop… and all you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the goddamn
train, 'cause we're leaving." Mother went in and told her son "We do not use that kind
of language in this house. Now, I want you to go to your bedroom for 2 hours and
think about what you said, and when you come out you may play with your train
again, but I want you to use much nicer language". Two hours later, small son came
out of his bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon, the train stopped, and
Mother heard her son say "All passengers who are disembarking, please remember
to take all your belongings with you. Thank you for riding with us today and we hope
that you will ride with us again soon. For those of you boarding, we ask you to stow
your hand luggage under the seat. Remember please that there is no smoking
except in the club car. We hope that you have a pleasant relaxing journey with us
"For those of you who are pissed off because of the 2 hour delay, please see the
bitch in the kitchen".

What our
mothers never
"The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks
Which practically conceal its sex.
I think it clever of the turtle
In such a fix to be so fertile."

Loose Slips…..
"There was a young belle of old Natchez
Whose garments were always in patchez.
When comment arose
On the state of her clothes,
She drawled, When Ah itches, Ah scratchez!"

{a quotation}
"I guess we are all, or most of us, the wards of that 19th century science which
denied existence to anything it could not measure or explain. The things we couldn’t
explain went right on but surely not with our blessing. We did not see what we
couldn’t explain, and meanwhile a great part of the world was abandoned to children,
insane people, fools, and mystics".
From John Steinbeck, 'The Winter of Discontent'.

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In COD we trust
There was a young girl from Cape Cod
who thought babies were fashioned by God
but it was not the Almighty
that hiked up her nightie
it was Roger the Lodger the sod!.

Marital Aids
A man takes his wife to the doctor. After he has finished examining her, he calls the
man into another room. "I don't know for sure what's wrong with your wife. It could be
either AIDS or Alzheimer's disease." "Oh my god! Can you find out what exactly it
is?" "Well there's one way. Drive with her into some deep forest, leave her there and
drive home. If she gets back, DON'T FUCK HER!!!"

Bored Tortillas
A novelist from tortilla flats
repeatedly buggered stray cats
the alley fence howls
as he stirred up their bowels
enormously pleased the town rats

Legal action
An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief
executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was
asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer
excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before
returning to the board room and announcing, "Four." The physicist was next
interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question,
he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a
consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he
also announced "Four." The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same
questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all
the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked
the telephone for listening devices, and asked "How much do you want it to be?"

St. Peter #1
Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the Gates of Heaven,
accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune to expire on the same day. The
Pope was greeted first by St. Peter, who escorted him to his quarters. The room was
somewhat shabby and small, similar to that found in a low grade Motel 6 type
establishment. The lawyer was then taken to his room, which was a palatial suite
including a private swimming pool, a garden, and a terrace overlooking the Gates.
The attorney was somewhat taken aback, and told St. Peter, "I'm really quite
surprised at these rooms, seeing as how the Pope was given such small
accommodations." St. Peter replied, "We have over a hundred Popes here, and we're
really very bored with them. We've never had a lawyer."

Legal water
Question: Do you know how to save five drowning lawyers? Answer: No. Reply:

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Why don't snakes bite attorneys? Professional courtesy.

Legal Oratory
How can you tell that an attorney is about to lie? His lips begin to move.

Legal mortality
How can you tell the difference between an attorney lying dead in the road and a
coyote lying dead in the road? With the coyote, you usually see skid marks.

Legal electrician
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? How many can you afford?

St. Peter #2
An attorney passed on and found himself in heaven, but not at all happy with his
accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse
was to appeal his assignment. The attorney immediately advised that he intended to
appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his
appeal could be heard. The attorney protested that a three year wait was
unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by
the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a
few days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell. When the attorney
asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, "We have all
of the judges."

Legal Mortality 2
As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would
allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the
three men he trusted most his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them,
"I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to
place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me." All three agreed to
do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn
and placed an envelope inside. While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the
clergyman said "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a
good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The
church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave
me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin." The physician then said, "Well,
since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full
$30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed
sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't
afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able
to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that." The
lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that
coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

NIH rodents
The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using
rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have
given three reasons for this decision: 1. There are now more attorneys than there are
rats. 2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the

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attorneys as they did to the rats. 3. No matter how hard you try, there are some
things that rats won't do.

Legal Mortality 3
A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked "Give it to me
straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that his patient
would survive the night. The man then said "Call for my lawyer." When the lawyer
arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the
lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he
remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The
man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side, and I thought I'd check out the
same way."

Mafia #1
What do you get if you send the Godfather to law school? An offer you can't

What do you call 400 lawyers at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean? A great place to

A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and
the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently
quite extraordinary. A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog. The
physician offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, "Hippocrates,
come!" Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff. Hippocrates ran
to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones. He dragged the
bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated
human skeleton. The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a
cookie for his efforts. The architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his
dog, "Sliderule, come!" Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff. The dog
immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a
scale model of the Taj Mahal. The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie.
The attorney watched the other two dogs, and called "Bullshit, come!" Bullshit
entered and was told to do his stuff. Bullshit immediately sodomized the other two
dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members
for his fee, and went outside to play golf.

Legal mortality
Good News: A busload of lawyers ran off a cliff. The bus was destroyed and there
were no survivors. Bad News: There were three empty seats.

A grain of
What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand? Not enough

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Dogged Lawyer
What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A doberman pinscher.

Legal aid
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets
arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking
the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.

ST Peter’s
A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a
complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter
started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to
be some sort of mistake. "I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!" St. Peter agreed
that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to
check on his case. When St. Peter returned, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that the
mistake must be yours, my son. We verified your age on the basis of the number of
hours you've billed to your clients, and you're at least 108."

Legal adder
A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one
day, when they collided at the point where the pathways meet. They immediately
began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap. When the
snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given
additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two
animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the
problems of being blind. The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his
identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in water, and for that reason did
not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that
he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit
proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the
other animal was. The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the
rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long
ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny
rabbit!" The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the
favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he
asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm
and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"

Attractive rodent
A man walked into a curio shop and began to browse. He was attracted to a brass rat
on a shelf behind the counter. He asked the shopkeeper for a price, and was told to
make an offer. Presently they agreed on a price, and the brass rat changed hands.
The shopkeeper warned the customer as he took the money, "This sale is final. If you
leave the shop with the brass rat, I won't take it back under any circumstances." The
customer agreed and left with the rat. As he walked home, he noticed that a live rat
came scurrying out of an alley and began to follow him. Soon there were more, all
following him and milling about his feet. The man began to run, but the rats kept up,
and more joined the procession. After a few minutes, thousands of rats were chasing
after the man. The man ran frantically for the river, and threw the brass rat into the
water. The live rats followed the brass rat, and soon all had drowned. The man
returned to the curio shop, and on seeing him enter, the shopkeeper shouted, "I told
you, the sale was final! You cannot return the brass rat!" The customer replied,
"That's no problem. I just wondered if you had a brass lawyer in stock."

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A police chief, a fire chief, and a city manager were traveling together by car to a
municipal management conference in a distant city. Their car broke down in a rural
area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse. The
farmer welcomed them in, but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds,
and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals. After a
short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn. Shortly after retiring, a
knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse. The party inside answered to find the
police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in
the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig.
The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief. A short time later,
another knock was heard at the door. The fire chief complained that the cows in the
barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow that started the Chicago fire, and that every
time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a fireman's worst nightmare, that of
burning to death. The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in
the barn. This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock
was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, there stood the very
indignant cows and pigs.

Legal company
A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone
inscribed "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man." The little boy read the
headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked "Mommy, why did they bury two men

devilish offer
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan appeared before him.
The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you
try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in
awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange
is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents,
grandparents, and parents in law, and the souls of all your friends and law partners."
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"

whoa boa
A german naturalist called Shlichter
fell in love with a boa constrictor
on lifting it's tail
he found it was male
and the constrictor, not Schlichter, was victor.

There once was a lady from Ram,
who jumped up on the tram.
The dirty conductor
stripped her and fucked her
and now she walks with a pram.

Hungry rover
old mother Hubbard
went to the cupboard

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to get her poor dog a bone

when she bent over
rover jumped over
and gave her a bone of his own

Hesse quote
When the ways of friends converge, the whole world looks like home for an hour -
Hermann Hesse

Alcohol fink
there was a young bounder named Link
who possessed a very tart dink.
to sweeten it some
he steeped it in rum
and he's driven the ladies to drink!

Hesse quote
Most of what we do in life, even if we advance other reasons, is done because of
women. -Herman Hesse.

Slow walker
bloke walking along the road sees a mate across the road. The mate looks kinda
down. He always used to look down, mainly because of his speech impediment,
he ... talks ... really ... slowly. However, he shouldn’t be down now, because he's
engaged to the cutest tart in the whole village.
... the ... wedding ... is .... off.
... well ... we ...were ... sat ... in ... her ... parents .... place ... watching ... the ...
dog .... lick it's ... paws, ... and ... I ... said ... 'when... we ... are ... married ... we...
can ... do ... that' ... but ... by ... the ... time ... I ... said ... it ... the ... damn ... dog
...wasn’t ... licking ... it's ... paws ... any ... more.

a squeemish young fellow named Brand
thought caressing his willie was grand
but he viewed with distaste
the gelatinous paste
that it left in the palm of his hand.

Griller humour
A chap looks out of his window and sees a Gorilla in a tree. He goes to the yellow
pages and looks up under Pest Exterminators. He finds three columns of Gorilla
Removers. Tries each one, same story each time: we are too busy, there is a two
week wait.
He needs the bloody gorilla removed NOW. So he calls back one of the firms and
pleads with them to come out. The bloke on the other end finally agrees, as long as
the chap is prepared to help. OK.

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So eventually the Acme Primate Removal truck arrives. It has a large cage at the
rear, a huge alsation dog, and a rough wrestler type guy. The wrestler hands the
chap a double barreled shotgun and explains;
'I am going to climb the tree, and shake the tree hard. When the gorilla falls out of
the tree, the dog will leap from the truck, grab the gorilla between the legs, and I lead
him in to the cage here'
So the chap says, 'what do I do with the shotgun'.
The wrestler says; 'Sometimes the gorilla shakes the tree back, and I fall out of the
tree. In that case shoot the dog!'

A bloke goes into an optician, carrying a violin case. The optician immediately gets a
feeling that this bloke is a little odd. Opticians get those feelings occasionally.
Comes from staring at peoples eyes every day. Anyway the optician says; 'how
can I help?'. The client replies 'have a look at this'. He opens the violin case and
shows a huge, steaming turd. The optician recoils; 'Christ, who did that'.
'Well, I did'.
'You don’t need an optician, you need a Doctor!'
'You don’t understand. Every time it happens, my Eyes water!.

An Australian chap goes to a chemist to buy some deodorant. The sales girls asks
“yes sir, would you like the Ball, Stick or Aerosol variety?”. ‘No’ replies the bloke, ‘I
want UnderArm!’

Do know what Australian girls put behind their ears to attract the blokes? -- their

Do know why seagulls fly upside down over Seedneeey? - there is nothing worth
shitting on.

Bad Tern
What is geographically wrong with Australia? - It’s above water.

Why do aussy travelers carry a small knob of shit in their wallets? ID.

Table manners
This s one about a couple the morning after a party
he: great party last night dear
she: yes dear
he: I got a little drunk though
she: yes dear
he: can I ask you an embarrassing question

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she: yes dear

he: was it you that I screwed on the kitchen table?
she: {thinks for a minute} about what time dear?

Rastus and Liza lying in bed asleep. Liza wakes up cold and notices that all the
blankets are up in the air, draped over Rastus's large erect boner:
rastus, yo awake?
rastus, if yo aint awake, howcome yo eyes is open?

Goats kin
This is the story of a couple of old Greek men sitting on a veranda chatting. “See the
boats down there in the harbour!. At some time in my life I have painted each one of
those boats, but do the fishermen call me a painter? ... NO!. And the houses in the
village. At some time in my life I have painted each one of those houses, but do the
villagers call me a painter? ... NO!.
“And the Villa on the hill. At some time in my life I have painted each one of those
villas, but do the wealthy people call me a painter? ... NO!.
“But once, only once, I fuck a goat............

Q: What is blue and lies in the gutter surrounded by breadcrumbs?
A: A raped girl guide

Foul humour
Q. What do a women and Kentucky Fried chicken have in common?
A. When your finished, all your left with is two bare thighs and a greasy box!!!

Arthur authoring
There was a young man called LANCELOT
whose neighbours would look at him AskanceALot
whenever would pass
a cute piece of ass
the front of his trousers would AdvanceALot.

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city
park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to
give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which
you can do anything you want."
And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from
which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.
Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their

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"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said,
"Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

Knife thoughts
King Arthur is off on a long trip, and arranges for a special chastity belt to be
fabricated for his tart. Merlin makes a device which will let things pass out but will
swipe a knife at things trying to get in.
On his return, Arthur lines up all of the men of the castle in the courtyard and asks
each one to drop his trousers. Each man has some injury. Some are missing only a
little off the tip or have a notch out of one side, some have been entirely debobbited.
As he walks down the line, Arthur becomes more and more depressed.
Finally he gets to the end of the line, and looks at the last mans willy. It is completely
intact. A beautiful large healthy specimen (Maybe some Dutch blood in the man).
He looks up and realises its his faithful friend Lancelot. Overcome with emotion, he
says 'Lancelot, my trusty friend, the only man in the place to honour his king. For
your loyalty I give you I give you half my kingdom. What do you say to that'
To which Lancelot replied 'Argh argh argh argh argh argh'.
(he had no tongue)

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The Spanish did a survey of prominent figures in their past and found that people by
the name of Carlos tended to be happy go lucky types, and people by the name of
Juan tended to fret and stress about stuff, confirming what we know here, i.e. that
Juans were Worriers. (And inspiring the NZ novel ‘Once were Warriors’).

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The Australian Film Commission had to rename the film Silence of the Lambs to
Shut up Ewes

Thats no ladle,
that my knife
Apparently the Bobbits have got together again - there are no hard feelings.

Gopher it
A guy getting professional golf instruction learned that his game improved if he
imagined his wife’s breasts when holding his club. Impressed, he shouted the wife a
lesson too. The instructor said to the wife; 'now imagine the club is your husbands
willy'. After taking the shot, he said; 'excellent. good line on the ball there. Now we
will go for a little more distance - take the club out of your mouth'.

A bloke wanders into a pub with a crocodile on a leash. He asked the barman - 'do
you serve black people here?'. 'Yes' replies the barman. 'Great, I'll have a pint of
beer, and give my croc a negro'.

Towed the line

Bloke goes into a pub with a frog on his head. The barman sees it and says 'christ,
where did you get that?. The frog replies, 'well, it started as a wart on my ass'.

Luigi again
A mafia man talking to his wife-“What you want for your birthday Maria?”
‘Oh Luigi you have given me more ferraris and fur coats than I need. Maybe this time
you could do something special for me.’
“What special do you want Maria?.”
‘Maybe Luigi you could stop picking the nose all the time, and maybe just once you
could let me be on top.’
“No Maria I cant do that. When I join the Family the Dom he told me - "now Luigi if
you wanna make it in the Mafia you remember two things; you keepa your nose
clean, and you dont fuck up".

Anatomy 101
Q: What is the difference between a Fox and a Dog?
A: About six pints.

Heres the bill

A fallen software engineer wandered into a bar. Actually he used to do meaningful
work as he had gained the highest academic honours in electronics, but since the
time had shifted to the Great Reversal he now wasted his days pissing about with
software. His only vestigial glory was that he was still called 'doc', after his degree.
He was in the habit of wandering into this bar every day, to read the sports section
(preoccupation with sport is a dead giveaway of a wasted and idle mind). Of course
he chose this particular bar because the barman had a secret recipe and made the
BEST almond dacquiries in the country. People would come from far and wide to

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taste them, and you wont hear where he got the polished almonds until you get a
Later Joke. The barman (Bill) went to great trouble preparing these, the glass was
impeccably clean, chilled, with a glaze of sugar around the rim. The ingredients are
always top quality, some expensive imported liquers, with the secret polished almond
added last.
Unfortunately on this occasion, for reasons that I will explain in a Later Joke, Bill was
fresh out of polished almonds. Doc came in as usual, chose his favourite seat, pulled
out his paper, and ordered an Almond dacquiri. In a panic, Bill cast around for a
substitute, and finally in desperation, cut the top off the broom handle, and quickly
polished it up to look like an almond.
He made the drink up, and handed it nonchalantly to Doc. Without taking his eyes off
the bloody rugby page, Doc took a sip, and put the drink down. Bill tried to be as
casual as possible but watched Doc nervously through the mirror while pretending to
polish a glass. Doc carried on reading. Just when Bill thought he had gotten away
with it, Doc spoke quietly, 'Say Bill, is this an ALMOND Dacquiri?'
Realising that he could not be dishonest to such a regular customer, Bill decided to
come clean;
'No, its a Hickory Dacquiri Doc'.

Tree fellers
Q: What do you call a group of irishmen standing in a field
A: A thicket.

Dirty humour
Q: What do you call a man with a spade in his head?
A: Doug

More Dirty
Q: What do you call a man with no spade in his head?
A: Douglas

Nice timbre
Q: What do you call a man with a plank on his head?
A: Edward
Q: What do you call a man with 3 planks on his head?
A: Edward Woodward
Q: Do you know what to call a man with 4 planks on his head?
A: no but Edward Woodward would.

Wet chair?
Q: What do you call a paraplegic in a swimming pool?
A: bob
Q: What do you call a man covered in leaves?
A: Russel

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Mule tide
There is a pub just out the back from Naseby, that has a donkey tied up in a shed
behind the building. The donkey never smiles. It has the longest most miserable
face you can imagine. In the bar is a large glass full of $10 notes. There’s an old
faded card that explains the rules;

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If you can make our donkey smile, you get the contents of the glass. Before you can
try, put $10 in the glass. All judging done by PH, the barman. (the barman’s
nickname was PissHead).
This biker bloke wandered in read the sign, put in $10, and went to the donkey.
When he came back, he took the money from the glass. To everyone’s
astonishment, the donkey had a huge grin on his face. They let the bloke keep the
A year passed, and the biker turned up at the pub again. Same glass, full of $10
notes. But this time the card said: “If you can take the smile off the donkey ........etc
The bloke put his $10 in, visited the donkey, and claimed the prize. Sure enough, the
donkey was back to the long face.
The barman was curious. He said to the bloke - OK you keep the prize, under one
condition. I want to know what you did.
Well, said the bloke, the first time I told the donkey that my dick was bigger than his.
Yes I can see how that might make the beast laugh. How did you take the smile off.
I showed him!

Bills again
I suppose you were wondering about where Bill got his polished almonds. Actually
only three people knew, as you will see....
One day a sweet young thing was chatting up a toothless old drunk in the bar. I
never understood why sweet young things do that stuff actually, maybe it has to do
with sharpening their skills on the old and infirm before they enter the battle proper. I
believe lion cubs get taught the same way. (gosh, talking about restless loins again,
but I digress)
So anyway they strike up a friendship and she gets invited back to his pad for a
cuppa. Lo and behold, on his kitchen table, is a huge bowl of the polished almonds
that everybody has sought after for all this time so that they too could make the
special almond dacquiris. She realises of course that the old man must be the secret
The old guy offered her an almond and told her not to tell anyone. She said 'where
do you get them all'
The old man replied 'all my grandchildren think I love chocolate coated almonds, but I

More bills
So I suppose you wanted to find out why Bill ran out of Almonds on that day with the
Doc. The story goes like this;
A young woman came in one Friday about 5:00pm and asked for twelve almond
dacquiris. On being handed them she drank the whole 12 one after the other, in
three minutes and 55 seconds. Bill the barman watched as after 10 minutes she
slowly slid to the floor. Bill carried her over to a quiet table and forgot about her.
At 3:30am the next morning, as he was cleaning up the bar, Bill found her again,
same table, still passed out. He checked her wallet for her address, found it, and
called a cab.
Being an all night barman can be a lonely job, not conducive to wench retention (he
had no girlfriend). You have to take what you can from the inebriated opportunities
that present themselves. This was just such a case, and Bill had his way with the
young lady.
So did the Taxi driver.

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The taxi driver owed a couple of favours to some mates too.

And the doorman at the place she was staying, who also had to barter with a passer
by to help carry her in.
By the time she was put in bed she had been well and truly had.
The following Friday she showed up again. Don’t tell me says Bill, 12 almond
No thanks Bill, I'll take 12 gin and tonics thanks. I like dacquiris but I find they really
hurt my box.

Rickety Lime
A young schizophrenic named Struther
On learning the death of his mother
said 'Thats very sad
but not all that bad
At least, we still have each other!'

Religious mutts
Q: What would have killed christianity?
A: The Dingo of Bethlehem.
(the other reason Jesus wasn’t born in Australia was because they couldn’t find three
wise men or a virgin)

Sealed Fete
Q: What is the difference between a walrus and a lesbian?
A: The Dungarees (walruses don’t wear em).
(by the way, do you know what walruses and tupperware have in common? - both
like a tight seal)

Sole brothers
Q: Why do black people have white soles and palms?
A: Its the way they are stacked when they are painted.

Three doctors chatting in a pub;
A: I like Japanese, they are all colour coded internally, when you operate you just
connect the colours.
B: I like Germans, all the parts are numbered, and you plug the same numbered bits
C: I prefer Englishmen - they only have two moving parts, the mouth and the ass,
and they are both interchangeable.

Plane facts
Q: How can you tell if an English plane has landed?
A: The whining doesn’t stop when the engines stop.
Q: How can you tell if an Italian plane has landed?
A: Hair under the wingpits.
(how can you tell Italian tyres?. When dago flat, dago wop, wop, wop).

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Limericks again
There was a young harlot from Kew
who filled her vagina with glue
she said with a grin
if they'll pay to get in
then they'll pay to get out of it too

Bath time
A cold room in a monastery with a nun taking a bath. She hears a knock at the door
‘who is it’
‘blind man, from the village, can I come in’
‘Alright you may come in’
‘Wow, nice tits, where do you want these blinds’

cop this
A policeman in London, comes a across a bloke behaving oddly on the sidewalk:
(spits) - shit she could drive.
(spits) - shit she could drive.
(spits) - shit she could drive.
Ere, you cant do that, when I come back, I want you gone or behaving properly or
there will be trouble young man. The policeman walks around the block, and comes
back to the bloke;
(spits) - shit she could drive.
(spits) - shit she could drive.
OK lad, you better tell me the story
Well I was standing here and this woman in this beautiful jag (he points to the latest
model 2 door coup parked nearby) arrives, and tries to park in this little park. I says
to the woman, "lady there aint no room there for your car".
"Yes there is" she says
"Lady", I says, "if you can get that big jag into that little park, I'll bite every hair off
your box"
(spits) - shit she could drive.

Todays latin:
Nils Illegitemus Carborundum
(don’t let the bastards grind you down)

One hump or
A camel trader on the Sahara desert. A long line of camels. (21). 4 days into the
trek. Hot. Singing the Arab national anthem;
(to the tune of a buzz saw)
Suddenly his keen ears pick up a distant sound....

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"1 2 3 4 1 2 3 4 1 2 3 4"
He gets off his camel and walks back down the line. The sound seems to get louder.
The last camel looks VERY GUILTY!. The Arab pulls out his crusty scimitar and cuts
it's throat. The sound stops. He loads all of the junk on to the next camel, gets on
Betsy again, and continues.
Next day, about mid day......
"1 2 3 4 1 2 3 4 1 2 3 4"
Same story, the last camel buys it.
19 days later, only Betsy left, the Arab on top of a huge load......
"1 2 3 4 1 2 3 4 1 2 3 4"
Betsy buys it. After trying to drag the load himself, The Arab realises that he's done
for. He decides he'll have one last smoke, then do himself in. He can still hear the
damn counting.
"1 2 3 4 1 2 3 4 1 2 3 4"
he pulls out his cigarettes, and the counting gets louder.
"1 2 3 4 1 2 3 4 1 2 3 4"
He reads on the side of the packet(in Arabic (which I will translate)):
Players: it's the tobacco that counts.

Guppie soup
Three yuppies in a cafe in Parnell. A shoefone goes off. The first bloke pulls out his
pen, clicks the clip, and starts nauseating the unfortunates having to share their
lunchspace by loudly talking into it, as is common for yuppie shoefone users in
Parnell. "Latest technology," he says, "called a cellular pen".
Time passes......
Another shoefone goes off. The second guy holds his right hand up to his head,
mimicking a phone. He starts talking into his pinky, and listening to his thumb.
"Latest technology", he says, "implanted cellular phone, called a digital phone".
Time passes......
Suddenly the third guy leaps from his chair holding his nuts, like he is desperate for a
piss. ‘Wassamater’ his mates cry in alarm. "Just receiving a fax" he says.

Peroxide time
Q: What does a blonde say during sex?
A: You guys all from the same team?

Marital Bliss
Q: How do you make a girl numb from the waist down
A: Marry her.

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Rear Guard
Hear about the homosexual who left home because he didn’t like the way he was
being reared.

Mailbox humour
Q: What’s the difference between a male mud newt and a female mud newt?
A: Mud flaps

Tiny nun
Hot day, a bloke walks past a bar and finds a hot sweaty nun waiting on the
pavement, obviously in need of a thirst quencher. In sympathy he offers to buy her a
drink. She agrees and they go in for a cool one. He shows her the cocktails menu,
and she chooses, mispronouncing a marTINY. So he goes up to the bar and orders
a double single malt whisky and, parodying the nun, a marTINY. 'MarTINY?' says
the barman, 'Christ is that nun here again'.

A chicken goes into a library and takes out some literature. At the counter she says :
'book book book book'. Intrigued, the librarian follows to see what the fowl does with
the tomes. She watches as the pile of books is presented to a toad. The toad picks
each up in turn saying 'Reddit, reddit, reddit....'

New Clause
Three dogs in a vets office.
MUTT 1: well last night I was hungry and ate the family roast again, the master got
pissed off and sent me here to be put down.
MUTT 2: Yeah, me too. The damn fifi mutt next door has been yapping at me for
years, so yesterday it wandered into my yard, so I screwed it then ate it. Here to be
put down meself.
MUTT 3: Well last night the master was out, and his wench was on the floor and
scrubbing. I liked what I smelled and leapt on her and gave it one.
Christ the ain’t going to put you down just for that?
Nope, I’m here to have me nails done.

Two horses chatting in a stable.
- Well the hay aint bad today.
- nay it aint bad, doesnt look like rain.
- nay, sunny day for sure.
{just then a dog walks in} wrong boys, forecast is hail.
{horses leap back in fright} CHRIST A TALKING DOG

Bent nail
There was a young man from Ghent
whose willy was decidedly bent
to save himself trouble

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he bent it in double
and instead of coming, he went.

Turban unit
An elderly indian from Darjeeling
caught the train from london to Ealing
the sign on the door
said don’t spit on the floor
so carefully, he spat on the ceiling

night banging
At 4.00am a drunk bloke started banging on the door of a cat house (The house of
Whacks, they specialised in dominatrixs). The place was quiet and the lights were
out. No answer.
He waited a moment then banged loudly again. This time a tired madam opened an
upstairs window, and in an irritated tone called out 'What do you want'.
‘I want to get screwed’ replied the drunk.
She lowers a purse on a string, saying 'put $100 into this'. The drunk does so, she
hauls in the money closes the window, and disappears.
The drunk waits, then after a while bangs on the door again. The madam opens the
window again and calls out 'what'.
‘I want to get screwed’.
‘what again!’

Getting well
A kid wandering to school finds a pair of welding goggles. He puts them on and is
fascinated by the neat way the world goes all dark and orange. He wears them like
that for a while, in awe.
Along comes a bloke in a car. (greasy, slicked back hair, untrustworthy face, shifty
eyes, salesman).
“Hey kid, hop in the car”. ‘Nope. Ma said never get into cars with strangers’.
“Its OK kid, I phoned your mum and she said you could ride with me”. ‘OK’ (and the
kid hops in car, still wearing goggles).
“Say kid, do you know what a paedophile is?”. ‘nope’.
“You know what oral sex is?”. ‘nope’.
“You know what masturbation is?”. ‘Come on mate, I'm not a welder’.

At school, little Johnny asks the teacher ‘miss, why do birds have their feet in the air
when they die’
‘That, little Johnny, is so God can reach down and scoop them up to heaven’.
Next day, little Johnny is all excited ‘miss, miss, you were right about the dead birds.’
‘why is that, little Johnny’
‘cause last night when I got up for a pee I walked past mommy’s room and she was
lying on her back with her feet in the air saying OH GOD I’M COMING but it was OK
because daddy was on top holding her down.’

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Fast kid
A kid comes home from school, greets his ma. ‘Guess what ma, today I had my first
The mother is dumbfounded. She throws a wobbly and sends the kid up to his room
without supper, threatening that dad will sort him out when he gets home. Dad gets
home really late, and mother decides to sort it out in the morning.
So at breakfast ma breaks the news of what the kid said.
The father immediately leans over and grabs a frypan.
“Christ your not going to hit him with that are you!” she exclaims.
‘Hit him, hell no, I’m giving him bacon and eggs, he cant run on diet muesli anymore’.

Fast kid #2
A kid comes home from school, greets his ma. Guess what ma, today I had my first
The mother is dumbfounded. She throws a wobbly and sends the kid up to his room
without supper, threatening that dad will sort him out when he gets home.
The dad gets home early, hears the story, and goes upstairs and yells at the kid for
20 minutes. Then he sits down, puts his arm around the lad, and chats quietly.
“Forget what I just said, kid, that was just for your mothers benefit. Actually I'm proud
of you continuing in the family tradition. So when do you think you might have your
next screw.”
‘Well dad, I think I'll wait till my ass stops bleeding’.

Three blokes get washed up on a desert island. The kiwi takes charge. He tells the
aussie to make a huge bonfire to attract the searchers, and he tells the jap to search
the island for supplies.
The kiwi himself builds a perfect shelter. As he finishes the aussie comes up and
says (read this part s l o w l y )
yep, mate, the barby mate, shes a beauty, only wish we had some tinnies.
They notice that the jap is missing, and start a search. They get to the top of a cliff
overlooking a beach and see, down in the sand, the jap, on his back spread eagled
out. “Christ he's fallen”, observes the clever aussie. They rush down to see if he is
still alive. As they approach the jap leaps up and calls out 'Supplies'.

A farmer has a real problem with his rooster not servicing the hens. He goes to town,
and picks up a real horny one. (he paid a poultry sum). The owner warns him to only
let him out for an hour. On the way home, as they pass a lake, the rooster gets real
excited. The farmer stops to see what’s wrong and the rooster tears into the ducks
at the pond edge. The farmer finally recovers him and makes a deal - stay calm till
we get home and you can stay in the hen house all night.
The rooster agrees.
All that night the farmer hears the squawking and cackling of hens, and the hen
house rattles and bangs all night.
Next morning, the farmer looks for the rooster. Nowhere in the henhouse (all the
hens look shagged though), not in the barn. Finally he spies the rooster lying almost

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dead in the paddock. Approaching, the farmer says 'well you finally overcooked it
didn’t you mate'. Opening one eye, the rooster whispers 'piss off mate, them
buzzards are gettin closer'.

Well Red
Red Riding hood was walking to grandmas house with a basket of stuff when out
jumps the wolf.
She cocks her hand on her hips, and replies, “gobble gobble gobble, doesn’t anybody
FUCK anymore?”

Cocky buzzard
A farmer has a real problem with his old rooster not servicing the hens. He goes to
town, and picks up a real horny one. The horny rooster meets the old rooster, and
says, well old timer, how do we split these hens. Well replies the old rooster, I
suggest we take half each, you take 50, and I'll take 50. OK says the new rooster,
but there are 101 hens, who gets the last one (this last bit is said with the rooster
equivalent of a wry smile).
The old rooster suggests that they race around the farmhouse. The new rooster
agrees, figuring that not only will he beat the old fart, but he might also be too tired to
deal with his 50 tonight. The old rooster however asks for a handicap, starting 20
meters in front. Even this seems fair, so the race is set.
The two roosters start running. Around the back of the farmhouse, and the new
rooster makes up nearly half the distance. Down the side and the old guy is only 5
meters in front. Across the front porch, and the new rooster almost catches him.
The old farmer sitting on the porch, sees two roosters racing across the yard. He
grabs his shotgun and blows the new rooster into pieces. He turns to his wife, saying
'say Doris, that’s the third queer rooster I bought this week'.

Dodged it
A bloke wakes his wife at 3am. "Common honey, time to get up and go duck
hunting". 'I don’t want to, its cold and wet'. "Come on honey, you promised, you said
if you didn’t go you would give me the choice of buggery or a blow job". 'I really don’t
want to get up, so what is your choice'. "I suppose I'll take the blow job".
So the wife proceeds with the chore, and immediately spits it out again. 'yech, that
tastes like SHIT'.
"yeah, bloody dog wouldn’t go duck hunting either".

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Little old lady walking a Dachhund along the street. A drunk across the road yells out
= HEY WHERE DID YOU GET THE PIG?. The little old lady replies indignantly "its a
dog, not a pig". The drunk yells back I WAS TALKING TO THE DOG!.

Plain sailing
A plane crashes in the desert. The pilot survives, and having little water and no food
he decides to strike for the coast. Days pass, and eventually he is reduced to
crawling in the sand. Finally crawling up a sand dune, in the midday sun, he finally
drops, completely exhausted.
Some time later he detects a mysterious coolness, and forcing himself up once more,
sees that he is in the shadow of a large evil looking Arab. The Arab grins, opens his
cassock to reveal a (calm down here ladies) rack of ties, saying, 'great ties, only 40
Exhausted, our hero drops again, but the moment spurs him on to the top of the
dune. Unbelievably there is a huge resort right in front of him, with a blue pool and
white marble, and tarts in g-strings. He crawls down to the marble steps, and a large
attendant comes down toward him. He reaches out his hand saying 'water, water'.
The black throws him back into the sand, yelling 'YOU DONT GET IN HERE

Modern Malaise

Two programmers and a salesman were at a technology convention in Asia. They

decided to take a walk around the city, and eventually found themselves lost. One of

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them, a programmer, suggested that he climb the stone wall that they were standing
beside, since he was adept at abseiling and, as is common with programmers, he
was very fit. He climbed the wall and disappeared without sound for twenty minutes.
Finally, when he returned he was white and shaking, with sweat all through his
The first programmer asked, “what did you find?”
Well, when I started I thought it was a wall, but I realised that the stone actually
curves over, and finally I got to the top where it was flat, and I looked up. I was on
the thigh of the leg of a huge stone monument, looking at a foot. I looked over that
direction (he pointed in to the stone) and, some distance away, saw the other foot.
So I turned around and looked up the leg, and saw that it was a huge naked female
statue, and I was staring right between the legs. Then for what seemed like ages I
was caught in this evil spell, almost like the statue wanted me to make love to it. It
was all I could do to break free and scramble back here.
Well said the first programmer, Perhaps we should send up the salesman, since
everyone knows that they are idol fuckers.

Sheriff’s day
Hot Nevada afternoon. Sheriff sat in his favourite chair under the saloon porch,
chewing tobacco. Tobacco spit stain in the mud near his right boot. Sarsparilla drink
on the floor.
Sheriff notices a dust trail on the horizon. Interest rises as the rider approaches.
Gallops straight through the town yelling "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES - BIG JAKES A
Two minutes. Towns deserted except barkeep, shakin and fighting to keep continent.
Another BIGGER dust cloud on the horizon. In rides a huge man with a black beard
and huge arms. Riding a bison. Drags the bison to a stop and thunders into the bar.
WHISKEY NOW. Barkeep hands him a bottle. Smashes the top off and drinks the
whole lot in one go.
Barkeep offers another bottle. More?. NOPE. GOTTA GO. BIG JAKES A COMIN.

Sheriff’s day #2
Hot Nevada afternoon. Sheriff sat in his favourite chair under the saloon porch,
chewing tobacco. Tobacco spit stain in the mud near his right boot. Sarsparilla drink
on the floor.
Sheriff notices a dust trail on the horizon. Interest rises as a small dog limps in to
town. Bandaged foot. Sheriff walks in to the main street, squares to the dog.
Narrows his eyes. “Dawg, We Don’t Abide No Strangers In This Town.”
Dog narrows his eyes right back. "Ahm Lookin Fer The Varmint As Shot ma Paw".

What’s the buzz

Two little kids go up to heaven. The white kiddy goes up to ST Peter first.
‘What is happening to me ST Peter?’
“Well you are going to get a pair of wings, a harp and a cloud and you are going to
make beautiful music for the rest of eternity”
The little black kiddy goes up next.
‘ST Peter do I get a pair of wings’
“Yes you do little kiddy”
‘And do I get a harp and a cloud and make beautiful music for the rest of eternity’

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“No you are going back as a blow-fly”

Crushed asians?
Two crabs die. The mud crab has been good all his life and goes to heaven. The
sand crab goes to hell (he has been a real dirty little crab). The mud crab eventually
gets bored up in heaven and phones his old mate in hell, (prefix 09), and discovers
that the sand crab has a night club going, a whole bunch of nubile dancing crabs on
tap, and really hot music. He gets special dispensation to visit, one day only, has to
be back before 12:00 or he becomes crab and pumpkin soup.
When he gets to the nightclub he has a REAL GOOD TIME, sweet pincers,
curvaceous carapaces, and all that stuff. He parties until just before 12:00 then
realises its time to scram back to boring old heaven. He gets to the gate and ST
Peter gives him a hard time about his state and the strong smell of crab juice and the
pincer marks, and WHERE THE HELL IS YOUR HARP. Stunned, the mud crab
sings "I left my harp in sand crabs disco"

Genie what?
Q: What is the difference between a geneologist and a gynocologist?
A: One looks up the family tree, the other looks up the family bush.

Prime sausage
Q: What is the difference between a Haematologist and a Urinologist?
A: One pricks your finger and the other fingers your prick.

A man was hunting in the woods one day, and saw a bear some distance away. He
blasted away at the bear until the woods were silent. Carefully he made his way over
to the spot and could not find any sign of the bear. As he stood there perplexed, he
received a tap on the shoulders. He turned around to the largest bear he had ever
'I am going to teach you for blasting away at all the critters and making all that noise'.
The bear tore down the hunters trou and gave him a bloody good Rogering.
Next season, the hunter took better precautions. He bought an automatic assault
rifle and went looking for bear again. Again he saw a bear some distance away. He
blasted away at the bear with the assault rifle. Carefully he made his way over to the
spot and again could not find any sign of the bear. As he stood there nervously
perplexed, he received a tap on the shoulders. He turned around to the same bear.
'I am going to teach you for blasting away at all the critters and making all that noise'
said the bear again. The bear tore down the hunters new trou and gave him another
bloody good Rogering.
Next season, the hunter decided to use a fast reloading Israeli bazooka. Again he
saw a bear in the woods. He fired 17 rockets at it. Carefully he made his way over
to the crater and could not find any sign of the bear. As he stood there very
nervously perplexed, he received a tap on the shoulders. He turned around to the
exact same bear again.
‘You don’t really come here for the hunting do you.’

Two Thirty?
One day a bloke went to the dentist. He was told he needed to have a wisdom tooth
removed, and would he like some pain killers. He replied that he did not. (Note
some eastern Yogis can transcend dental medication too). The dentist didn’t believe

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him, but had dealt with macho types before, and figured he would ask when the pain
got too much.
To the dentists amazement, the client didn’t even flinch when the tooth was removed.
The dentist wanted to know why.
Well, I had two painful incidents in my life. The first one was when I was hunting in
the woods, and I needed to (['take a crap', 'do number twos', 'dump', 'perform a
dedaction', 'deturd', 'shake the spuds' (insert the current politically correct phrase
here)]. So I squatted over a bush, without realising that the bush hid an old possum
trap, which sprang up and clamped me on the nuts'
“Ouch” winced the dentist, “must have been awful. When was the other painful
‘That was when the trap ran out of chain.’

Publiv hair
Q: Where do young ladies have short curly hair?
A: Fiji.

Cheque fraud
Through the center of Czechoslovakia there's a train speeding along. In one
compartment of the train there are four people. A beautiful vivacious young woman,
an old matronly woman, a Russian soldier, and a Czech dissident.
Suddenly the train goes through a tunnel. It is completely dark.
Then is heard a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap.
When the train exits the tunnel, the Russian soldier is holding the side of his face,
and the Czech dissident is grinning his face off.
The old matronly woman thinks : "Now that's a fine young woman, the Russian
soldier tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slaps him one!"
The young woman is thinking : "Now that's a strange Russian soldier, he'd rather kiss
that old hag than me."
The Russian soldier is thinking : "Now that's a smart Czech, he steals the kiss and I
get slapped."
And the Czech dissident is thinking : "Gee I'm smart! We go through the tunnel, I kiss
the back of my hand and get away with slapping a Russian soldier.

Central Heating
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy along Highway 1
near Fairfield, Iowa one cold blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother,
"my hands are freezing cold". The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs
and your body heat will warm them up". So the daughter did and her hands warmed
The next day the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend
said, "My hands are freezing cold". The daughter said, "Put them between my legs,
they'll warm up".
Next day the boyfriend is driving in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose
is freezing cold". The daughter said "Put it between my legs, it will warm up".
He did and his nose warmed up.
The next day the boyfriend is driving again with the daughter and he said, "My penis
is frozen solid".

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The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her Mother and she says to
her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Mother says "Sure why do you ask?"
The daughter says, "Well, they just make one hell of a mess when they thaw out!!"

A bloke is just strapping himself into his airline seat when a steward brings a parrot
and straps it in beside him. The bloke thinks this is a bit weird but assumes
arrangements have been made and says nothing. Shortly after take-off the steward
turns up again and asks the bloke if he'd like anything to drink. "Just coffee, thanks,"
he says. "Black, with no sugar." The steward's just about to leave when the parrot
squawks, "Yeah, and bring me a whisky, ya bastard!" The steward blushes crimson
and hurries away.
He brings a whisky for the parrot, but he's so flustered that he gets the bloke's order
wrong and delivers tea with lemon instead. "Excuse me," says the bloke, feeling kind
of sorry for the steward, "but I asked for black coffee with no sugar."
The steward's terribly embarrassed once more, and is about to leave when the parrot
speaks up again. "And while you're about it, get me another whisky, ya bastard!" Off
goes the steward, his neck and ears burning.
In a few minutes he's back with another whisky - and tea with cream. By this stage
the bloke's decided that the steward needs to sort his life out. He decides to resort to
parrot tactics, since they seem to work OK. "Look," he says, "I've asked you twice for
black coffee with no sugar and you don't seem capable of coming up with the goods -
even though a whisky for a parrot's not too difficult for you to figure out. I want coffee
- OK? - C.O.F.F.E.E., with no milk or sugar, ya bastard!" Suddenly the steward
cracks. He screams and reaches for the Call button, and two burly guys emerge from
the back of the 'plane, grab the bloke and the parrot, and toss them out the nearest
The bloke's busy falling to his death when the parrot catches up with him. "Hey," it
squawks, "for someone who can't fly, you sure are a lippy bastard.

Damp Fly
One day Paul, Greg, and Jamie walked into a pub together. The proceeded to each
buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage
three flies landed, one in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. Paul
pushed his beer away from him in disgust. Greg fished the offending fly out of his
beer and continued drinking as if nothing had happened. Jamie (always a true
Scottsman) picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and yelled, "SPIT

Wet Tee
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the
twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a
foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he
immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and
proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She
explained: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I can relieve
your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll
be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the
fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he
finally allowed her to help him.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants, and
put her hands inside. She began to massage his crotch. She then asked him: "How

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does that feel?" To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like

More Green
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second
hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron" The man
looks around and doesn't see anyone.
"Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his
other club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog,
eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him
to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?"the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3
wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the
frog,"OK where to next?" The frog replied, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas
and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon
approaching the roulette table, the man asks," What do you think I should bet?" The
frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after
the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding
back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog
down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money
and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for
him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

Bonus tales
Emoticons that Bill Gates never thought of!
:-) -: Smilie with an erection
:-) 8 - Female.
:-| 8( )- Pregnant Female.
:-( :- Impotent (Or let down).
:-( -8 Blue balls.
;-) o===8 Braggart.
:-\ 8o After a cold shower.
;-) ===8 Circumcised.
8-O --* Just before doubling over with pain.
:-) :-... Taking a leak.
:-} -oo-: Taking matters into hand.
:-o ^^: After zipping up fly too fast.

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A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth, and the doctor, told them
that he had developed an experimental machine and asked if they'd like to try it out.
He explained carefully that the machine could take some of the pain of childbirth from
the mother and give it to the father.
Both the husband and the wife thought this was a wonderful idea, and decided to give
it a try. The doctor set the knob on the machine to ten percent for starters, explaining
to the man that even ten percent was probably more pain than he had ever
experienced. But the man was surprised at how little pain he felt and asked the
doctor to go ahead and turn it up a notch.
The doctor twisted the knob up to twenty percent, and checked the husband's blood
pressure, which was fine. Amazed, the doctor turned the knob again and increased
the pain threshold to fifty percent.
Still feeling nothing, the husband encouraged the doctor to give him ALL the pain.
Again, dumbfounded, the doctor increased the load to one hundred percent. After his
wife had given birth, the man stood up,
stretched a little, and helped his wife into the car, both of them feeling fine.
When they got home, they found the mailman dead on the doorstep.

It was a miserable hot day in Dallas (probably actually Houston) and these two black
whores were walking down the street when one (Mary Jane) says to the other
(Eloise), "Eloise, honey, it is so hot out here today, why don't we take off our panties
so's we be cool" Eloise says, "Oh, I don't know Mary Jane, I be too embarrassed". So
they walk on a bit farther and pretty soon Mary Jane says, "Eloise, honey, I just can't
stand this heat. We jess got's to take off our panties so's we be cool"? And Eloise
says, "Mary Jane , I juss can't, I be too embarrassed". So, they continue for a few
more blocks, when suddenly Mary Jane stops and points to the porch of a house
where an enormous black woman is sitting with her skirt hiked up to her navel, no
panties on and eating a watermelon. She says, "Eloise, honey, look up there on the
poc'h of dat house. Jess look at dat. I'll bet she be cool." And Mary Jane says, "Less
go axe her." So they shuffle up on to the porch of the house and Eloise says, "Big Fat
Mama, you sittin up here on the poach of dis house, what with yo skirt hiked up to
you navel, no panties on and eating dat watermelon... tell us... is you cool"? And the

The whole
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking
it the monkey jumps all around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off
the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up
on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The
guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the
little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a
drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking
his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up
his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

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The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.
"Now what?", responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt,
then pulled it out and ate it!", says the barkeep.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight,
but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the
door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little chinese man, clutching a
clipboard and yelling: "you sign! You sign!".
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in
complete amazement when the chinese man starts to yell louder. "you sign! You
sign!" Nelson says to him, "look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Sod off."
and shuts the door in his face. The next day he hears a knock at the door again.
When he opens it, the little chinese man is back, with a huge truck full of brake pads.
He thrusts his clipboard under nelsons nose, yelling "you sign! You sign!" Mr Mandela
is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little chinese man back, shouting:
"Look, sod off! you've got the wrong bloke!
I don't want them!" then slams the door in his face again. The following day Nelson is
resting, and late in the afternoon, hears a knock on the door again. Upon opening the
door, the little chinese man thrusts the same clipboard under his nose, shouting "You
sign! You sign!". Behind him are TWO large trucks full of car parts. Nelson loses his
temper completely, picks the little man up by his shirt front and yells at him: "look, I
don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you
want to give these to?" The little chinese man looks at him a bit puzzled, consults his
clipboard, and says: "you not Nissan Maindealer?"

Travel sickness
Three guys from the engineering department and three guys from management are
traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three managers each buy
tickets and watch as the three engineers only buy a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a manager. "Watch
and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The managers take
their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door
behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The
conductor takes it and moves on. The managers saw this and agreed it was quite a
clever idea. So after the conference, the managers decide to copy the engineers on
the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When
they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their
astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed manager. "Watch
and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three
managers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one
nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves the
restroom and walks over to the restroom where the managers are hiding. He knocks
on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

Sales canvasser
An artist asked the gallery owner if anyone had shown interest in his paintings. "I've
got good news and bad news," she said. "The good news is that some guy inquired if

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your paintings would appreciate in value after you died. When I told him they would,
he bought all 15 of your paintings." "And the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor."

Lucky lawyer
A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed
sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer
snuggling up to a beautiful woman. "That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all
eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." "Shut up," barked
the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's

A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that
the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink
from his hip flask. The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who
closed it and put it away. "Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the
doctor. "Sure, after the police leave," replied the attorney. -----

Ticker here
An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his
doctor. The doctor said, "We have three possible donors; tell me which one you want
to use. One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The
second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died in
his private plane. The third is an attorney who just died after practicing law for 30
years." "I'll take the lawyer's heart," said the patient. After a successful transplant, the
doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did. "It was easy," the
patient replied. "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."

One summer, on a Friday afternoon, a young man was being trained by his
supervisor on his first day as a salesperson at a large department store. His
supervisor was trying to show him the amount of things he could sell to customers by
making them feel they needed the items. "Watch this," he said and approached a
man who has just entered the store. "May I help you, sir?"
The man replied, "I just moved into my first house and I need some fertilizer for my
So the supervisor said, "Well, we have five- and ten-pound bags of fertilizer. I
recommend you go with the ten pound bag."
"Why is that?"
"The ten-pound bag will get you through most of the summer, but the five-pound bag
won't," the supervisor answered.
"Fine, " the man agreed, "I'll take the ten-pounder."
"Very good sir. And would you like the stiff rake or the spring-rake with that?"
"Rake? What do I need that for?"
"Well sir," said the supervisor authoritatively, "if you don't rake up the old dead grass
before you spread the fertilizer, it won't all reach the soil."
"All right then. I'll get the stiff rake." "Very good sir. And would you like the fixed
sprinkler or the oscillating sprinkler with that?"

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The man started to get a bit steamed and asked harshly, "Sprinkler? Look, just came
in here for some fertilizer. What do I need a sprinkler for?"
Calmly, the supervisor responded, "Well sir, if you water your lawn immediately after
fertilizing, the fertilizer will sink into the soil more quickly and in no time at all, you'll
have the greenest lawn in your neighborhood."
This sounded pretty good to the man so he picked up the fixed sprinkler. "OK, then.
I'll take all this."
"Very good sir. And would you like the electric or gas mower with that, "asked the
Now the customer had about had it and he all but blew up at the supervisor.
"LAWNMOWER? Look, all I wanted when I came here was a bag of fertilizer. You've
already managed to sell me a rake and a sprinkler besides. Give me one good
reason why I should get a lawnmower, too!"
Calm as ever, the supervisor said, "Well sir, if you get a lawnmower now, then you'll
be all ready to start trimming your beautiful green grass the minute it starts getting
too long. Your lawn will look like a golf course and you'll be the envy of all your
neighbours! Besides, they are on sale this week only, and you're going to need it
either way."
Well, the man figured that sounded OK and he really wanted to get out of there
before he bought anything else so at last he relented. "Fine. I'll get the electric
mower, but that's it!"
"Very good sir. I'll ring that up for you."
After the man had left the store with all his new purchases, the supervisor turned to
the trainee and said, "So, do you think you could do that?"
The trainee said that he thought he could and the supervisor directed him towards
another customer.
The trainee approached the puzzled-looking man and asked, "May I help you sir?"
The man replied, "Yes. I need some tampons for my wife." Well, the trainee is totally
thrown off by this request. He can't imagine what he could offer the man to go along
with that. However, he wanted to impress his boss so he thought hard. Suddenly, he
had it! "Very good sir. And would you like the electric or gas mower with that?".
"Mower? What the hell is wrong with you? I came in here looking for tampons. Why
the hell should I get a lawnmower, too?"
"Well sir, " the trainee answered, "I figure your weekend is shot, so you might as well
cut the grass."

Second wind
What's the difference between a woman and a cyclone ? There's no difference -
they're both slow in coming and when they leave they take half your possessions !

Just routine
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a
glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his
folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie
ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more
uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.
Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning
and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and
the milkman usually get bucked off!"

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Keeping abreast
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the
bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied,
"Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word
you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and
I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if
you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"

Pretty sister
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands
for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called
on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress
and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My
mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent,
Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister
told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'"

He wrong
A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's
bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he
came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom,
he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started
stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

Insects appeal
Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the
backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying
little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him
trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No
honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some
butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His
father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you
for one month!" Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got
jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began
stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnny's mother
looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her. To which Johnny
said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"

No appeal
A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade
class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But
Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the
lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class. One little boy
raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William,"
cooed the teacher. "My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice,"
replied the teacher. Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and
trepidation, the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the
Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all

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attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns." The teacher
was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education,
"It'll teach those Indians not to 'fuck' with the Lone Ranger."

Kid gloves
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have
babies?" "No," said his mom, "of course not." Little Johnny then ran back outside and
his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

Child training
A few days after Christmas, a mother working in her kitchen was listening to her little
Johnny playing with his new electric train in the adjoining room. She heard the train
stop and the son said, "All you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off right now,
'cause this is the last stop...and all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get
your asses in the goddam train 'cause we're leaving." The mother went in and told
her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to
your room for two hours and think about what you said, and when you come out you
may play with your train again, but I want you to use much nicer language. Two hours
later, the son came out of his bedroom and resumed playing with the train. Soon the
train stopped and mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking,
please remember to take all of your belongings with you. Thank you for riding with us
today and we hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you boarding, we
ask you to stow your hand luggage under the seat. Remember please that there is no
smoking except in the Club Car. We hope you will have a pleasant relaxing journey
with us today. For those of you who are pissed off because of the two hour delay,
please see the ugly stinkin' bitch in the kitchen!"

Poetic license
Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is. Her reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask
ladies that question." Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs. Again the
mother's reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question." The boy then asks,
"Why did daddy leave you?" To this, the mother says, "you shouldn't ask that" and
then sends him to his room. On the way to his room, the boy trips over his mother's
purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out. The boy looks it over and
goes back to his mother saying, "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old,
weigh 127 pounds and daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!!!"

Legging it
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted
to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first. One little girl raised her
hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a
mind in order to believe in God. The teacher praises the little girl, as a little boy raised
his hand. The little boy says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is
all about love." "Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little
Johnny's hand up. "Oh no", she thought, "I'm not gonna like this. Little Johnny, which
part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?" Little Johnny thinks for a minute
and says, "Your feet." The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven
first. He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my
mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!'"

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At Sunday school, the teacher asked little Johnny, "Do you know where little boys
and girls go when they do bad things?" "Sure," little Johnny replied. "They go out in
back of the church yard."

1. You wake up a 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the
way back to bed.
2. You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 1.1 or
3. You name your children Eudora, Aol and Dotcom.
4. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the
plug on a loved one.
5. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the
overhead compartment.
6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for
the free Internet access.
7. You laugh at people with 14.4-baud modems.
8. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
9. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch.
You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum
to communicate with the modem. And you succeed.
10. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word
11. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
12. You start introducing yourself as "David at I-I-Net dot net dot com"
13. All of your friends have an @ in their names.
14. Your pet has its own home page.
15. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
16. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
17. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
18. You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are, because they have
neutral screennames and you never bothered to ask.
19. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
20. You tell the cap driver you live at
21. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

Past haste
A man was driving down a lonely road on a stormy night when his car broke down.
Despite his best efforts, he couldn't get it going again. So he looked it up and started
walking. Seeing a farmhouse in the distance, he made his way there. The
sympathetic farmer took him in and offered to let him stay the night. The traveler, the
farmer and his wife sat down to dinner, the meal being a pastie. The farmer was very

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proud of this item of food as his wife made the best in the district. After eating it, the
traveller was indeed impressed and asked for seconds but farmer resolutely refused.
Too much of a good thing was the excuse. As the house was small with only one
bedroom, the three of them were going have to sleep in the one big bed in the loft
upstairs. The traveler wasn't fussy as he was tired. They were asleep awhile when
the storm got worse and woke them. The farmer had to get up and tend to the
animals, leaving his wife and the traveler in bed alone. As soon as the farmer was out
the door, the wife nudged the traveler: "Now's your big chance!" she said, smiling at
him wickedly. Upon hearing this, the traveler jumped out of bed, ran downstairs and
grabbed another pastie!

Carnal canal
Three young Irish candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have
to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test. The Monsignor leads them into a room,
and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man's willy. In comes a
beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance
sensually around the first candidate. *Ting-a-ling* "Oh, Patrick," says the Monsignor,
"I am so disappointed in your lack of control. Go now and take a long, cold shower
and pray about your carnal weakness." The candidate leaves. The dancer continues,
dancing around the second candidate, slowly peeling off her layers of veils. As the
last veil drops: *Ting-a-ling* "Joseph, Joseph," sighs the Monsignor. "You too are
unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go...take a long, cold shower and pray for
forgiveness." The dancer continues, dancing naked in front of the final candidate.
Nothing. She writhes up and down against his body. No response. Finally, exhausted,
she quits. "Michael, my son, I am truly proud of you," says the Monsignor. "Only you
have the true strength of character needed to become a priest. Now, go and join your
weaker brethren in the showers."
* Ting-a-ling*

Top 10 reasons
computers must
be male:
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter.

TWA tea
A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility, but each time he
tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he
use the attendants LADIES room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.
There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked respectively: WW WA PP ATR
Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded
what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW
button and immediately a gently flush of Warm Water sprayed his bare bottom. He

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thought, "Wow, these women really have it good." So, a little more boldly he pressed
the WA button. Body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it
comfortably. Aha, he thought, "No wonder these women take so long in the bathroom
with these kind of services." So he pushed the next button, PP, with anticipation. A
soft disposable powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.
"Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button. When he
awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off, so in confusion, he buzzed
the nurse to find out where he was and what had happened. He explained the last
thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane. The nurse
explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the
Automatic Tampon Removal button. By the way, your penis is under your pillow."

Some gentlemen are captured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners
that they could live if they pass the trial. First step of the trial is to go to the forest with
the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went
separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I
brought ten apples." The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shove the
fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten. The first
apple went in,. but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and
went to heaven. The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were
berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should
be easy. 1... 2...3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter,
therefore also was killed. The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first
one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one
replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw that the third guy brought watermelons."

Cold bonus
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front
door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him
and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she
whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband
enquired as he entered the room. "Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly.
"The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No
more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and
returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the
'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody
offered me as much as a glass of water."

Honeymoon is
Before she moves in, she wears teddies and suspenders, and you hold your farts in
until she leaves the room; she's a gorgeous sex kitten and you tell her so; you're so
sweet and adorable, and headjobs follow ambient dinners like a fine grandfather port.
After she moves in, she farts in her grungy trackie daks while hypnotised by
Coronation Street; you scratch your nuts unashamedly and bitch about work; oral sex
is strictly quid pro quo and the new girl in the office really does have a great arse.
When apathy replaces ardour, living together becomes cohabitation; and your
gorgeous sex kitten becomes "her indoors" Six key indicators of when the
honeymoon period has finished.
1.Addictions Before: You tell her you don't mind the occasional cold beer on a hot
day with your mates, and that you've taken recreational drugs but those days are well
and truly over. After: For the fifth night in a row you stagger in blotto, dig out your

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stash and mull up, pass out in the lounge in your underpants and expect her to
accept that you're just being you.
2.Bodily functions Before: You spray aerosol after a crap; piss on the side of the bowl
to reduce noise and never, ever fart in her presence. After: You fart in front of her
with impunity and obvious pride, commenting on the food intake for the day and
speculating on the resultant odour. Despite repeated pleas to the contrary, you fart in
bed and hold her head under the covers. You think it's hilarious.
3.Relations/Friends Before: Her aunty Jane is a real character with a lively
personality and interesting views about politics, and her unemployed girlfriend
Amanda is a genuine, charming supportive friend who you think is really nice. After:
Aunty Jane is a loud-mouthed, pain-in-the-arse fascist with all the personality of a
cold sore. Amanda is a manipulative loser, but you wouldn't mind slipping her one if
the opportunity arose.
4.Sex Before: Sex is a sweat-soaked, gymnastic romp that lasts for hours. You fuck
to impress, using all your tricks - your renowned tit grope, marathon oral sex
sessions, and jackhammer-like screwing. Fucking four times a day is not uncommon.
After: A wank is often preferable to the effort of sex. When you do have sex, you
think about Amanda.
5.Attention span Before: Her words are hypnotic; her wit is incisive; her anecdotes
about her life pre-you are spellbinding. Over candlelight and coffee you listen with
interest and politely chortle as she recounts stories of her childhood. After: Your eyes
glaze over as soon as she mentions anything that doesn't involve you. What's more,
you develop the uncanny ability to be able to concentrate on the T.V and listen to her
at the same time. The phrase, "Are you listening to me?" becomes an evening
6.The flip side Before: She thinks you are witty, disciplined, a sexual athlete,
attentive, loving, faithful and devoid of all crass male habits which have plagued her
previous relationships, .but she suspects that you're full of shit. After: She knows
you're full of shit AMEN...

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car,
the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! It was all gone!" What happened?" asked
the friend. "My wife found out..."

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home
before I do, leave the hallway light on.

Grin and beer it

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time
she brings it to the couch.

Bald as brass
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still
think they are beautiful!

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I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months -- I don't like to interrupt her.
A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.
If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to
lunch or to a movie?
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Devils work
Nearer engine
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and
says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to
the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts
designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and
flush toilets and escalators, and the
engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it
going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air
conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer
is going to come up with next.
"God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake – he should never
have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way.I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him.
"God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going
to get a lawyer?"

A batchelor decided he wanted company, so he bought a parrot. The bird was able to
speak and offered him some amusement. One hectic day he woke up to a leaking
cistern, tried to get a plumber immediately, and was told there would be a 2 week
wait. After some haggling the plumbing firm offered to ask a retired plumber to come
and do the work.
A little later the batchelor was called out, and he forgot to make arrangements for the
plumber to get in. The plumber arrived, and knocked on the door.
{knock knock}
PARROT: Who is it.
PLUMBER: Its the plumber, come to fix the pipes.
{a long pause}
{knock knock}
PARROT: Who is it.
PLUMBER: Its the plumber, come to fix the pipes.
{a long pause}

By now the old guy is getting pretty mad

{knock knock {louder}}

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PARROT: Who is it.

{a long pause}
{knock knock}
PARROT: Who is it.
The plumber is so angry that he heart attacks, and dies on the doorstep.
The batchelor returns to find the corpse. ‘My Lord, who is this?’
PARROT: Its the plumber, come to fix the pipes.

Ill bred
The Pope visits East Anglia, and Bernard Matthews goes to see him. Bernard says
"You may not know me, but I am the biggest turkey farmer in Europe, and I need
your help." The Pope says "Speak my child; if I can guide you, I will". Bernard says
"Look, your holiness, turkey doesn't seem to be as popular as it used to be at
Christmas. Because of this I have been building up a stock of extra turkeys each year
and I need to start selling them all year round. I am willing to pay you 10 million
pounds a year over 10 years to change a single word in the Lord's Prayer, to help me
out." The pope looks quizzically at Bernard: "Pray continue, child". Bernard says "All I
want is one word; if you change 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day
our daily turkey', it will stick in people's minds. Frequency of turkey purchase will go
up and I'll be sorted. The pope shakes his head. "The Lord's prayer is a great
unshakable tradition of the church; we couldn't possibly change it". Bernard says
"OK, OK, I'll give you 15 million a year for 12 years" The pope starts to soften
"Well...I suppose we could change it to 'give us this day our daily bread AND
turkey'..." Bernard gets desperate and pleads. "Look, this is my best offer. 20 million
pounds a year for the first five years, then going up by five million pounds a year, and
so on each five years, for 20 years. That's really the best I can do." The pope smiles
at Bernard and says "I shall help you. Go in peace". The two shake on it to seal the
deal, and Bernard leaves. The next day the pope returns to the Vatican, and
immediately calls a gathering of the cardinals. They gather together and the Pope
says "I've got good news, and bad news. The good news is I've got us 20 million
pounds a year..." A gasp echoes round the chamber, and one cardinal says "That is
excellent your holiness, but what's the bad news?"
The pope replies, "We've lost the Homestyle account."

That’s no ladle…
In France, the young assistant priests do not live in the main rectory. That is reserved
for the priest and his housekeeper. One day the priest invited his new young
assistant priest to have dinner at the rectory. While being served, the young priest
noticed how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and down deep in his heart he
wondered if there was more between the priest and the housekeeper. After the meal
was over, the middle-aged priest assured the young priest that everything was purely
professional...that she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that.
About a week later the housekeeper came to the priest and said, "Father, ever since
the new assistant came for dinner I have not been able to find the beautiful silver
gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?" The priest said, "Well, I doubt it
but I'll write him a letter."
So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Father, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle
and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has
been missing since you were here for dinner."
The young assistant received the letter and he answered it as follows: "Dear Father
priest, I'm not saying that you do sleep with the housekeeper and I'm not saying that

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you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do know for sure that if you slept in your
own bed you would find the gravy ladle."

General ward
The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. For
almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the
other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed
immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were
too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his
demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest... and on, and on.
One afternoon an orderly entered the room. "Time to take your temperature,
General." After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the
thermometer. "Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the
other end." A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was
insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for. The general at last
rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told
the general, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to
check up on you" and withdrew.
An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in
the air and gasped, "What's going on here?" "Haven't you ever seen someone having
their temperature taken?" the general barked.
"Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?"

A young man, in the course of his college life, came to terms with his homosexuality
and decided to "come out of the closet."
His plan was to tell his mother first; so on his next home visit, he went to the kitchen,
where his mother was busying herself stirring stew with a wooden spoon. Rather
nervously, he explained to her that he had realized he was gay.
Without looking up from her stew, his mother said, "You mean, homosexual?"
Still without looking up: "Does that mean you suck men's penises?"
Caught off guard, the young man eventually managed to stammer an embarrassed
affirmative; whereupon his mother turned to him and, brandishing the wooden spoon
threateningly under his nose, snapped: "Don't you EVER complain about my
cooking again!"

Two Old Ladies

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It
started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the
tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke. Her friend saw this and
said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?" The other
old lady said, "It's a condom." "A condom? Where do you get those?"
The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the
pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the
questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The
pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested
in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"
The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."

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Say that again

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Put on your seatbelt...I wanna try something.
The Universe is a figment of its own imagination.
There's no future in time travel.
Tonight's weather: Dark with continued darkness until dawn.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
DCE seeks DTE for mutual exchange of data.
A day without sunshine is like night.
There are three kinds of people: Those who can count; those who can't.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
Death is hereditary.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Multitasking - screwing up several things at once.
Dyslexics of the world, untie!
If at first you don't succeed, buy her another beer!
Beat the 5 o'clock rush - Leave work at noon!
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Arachibutyrophobia: fear of peanut butter sticking to roof of mouth.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Please return Stewardess to original upright position.
Fish 'n Shits - the NEW tuna flavoured laxative from Metamucil
Polynesia: memory loss in parrots.
Oh Lord, give me patience...and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
A good pun is its own reword.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

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Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
To err is human, to moo bovine.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Vidi, vici, veni: I saw, I conquered, I came.
Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
Dear Santa, all I want is your list of naughty girls.
Man who smoke pot choke on handle.
Kurt Cobain Soft Drink: it's extremely bitter and it has no head.
MicroSloth: "Bringing you ten-year-old technology, tomorrow, maybe."
How does Teflon stick to the pan?
A cat will assume the shape of the container it is packed into.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Q: How do kiwis find their sheep in long grass? A: Very satisfying.
Teacher: "Simon, can you say your name backwards?" Simon: "No Mis"
Jesus died for our sins...and all I got was this lousy T-shirt!
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Mary had a little lamb....and Mulder was determined to find out why.
There's an exception to every rule, except this one.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I was going to procrastinate, but I put it off.

Pole vault
Because of a bad case of hemorrhoids, a gay man went to his doctor. The physician
prescribed some suppositories, but when it came time to use them, the young man
was afraid he would do it wrong. So he went into the bathroom and, bending over,
looked through his legs into the mirror to line up the target. All of a sudden, his penis
became stiff and blocked his view. "Oh, thtop it, thilly!" the young man scolded his
organ, "it'th only me!"

Right attire
Panicked by a letter from the IRS that he's gonna be audited, a man calls his
accountant. The accountant tells him not to worry: he has all the necessary bills,
receipts and records. But he suggested, just to be on the safe side, that the man
dress shabbily, so the auditor will think him poor and go easy on him. Not convinced,
the man calls his lawyer next and explains he's to be audited and what the
accountant told him. The lawyer said he disagreed; the man should dress nice, so the
auditor will see he's a respectable person. More confused and worried than ever, the
man calls his minister and tells the story a third time, as well as the advice he's been
given. The Minister sez, "I have the same problems with marriages. The Mother of
the bride wants her to dress like an old fashioned girl. Naturally, the groom wants her

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to wear something provocative. I'll tell you the same thing I tell the bride. It doesn't
matter much what ya wear, or don't wear -- you're gonna get screwed good."

True grit
One night, Pinnochio's girlfriend says to him, "This stinks. Every time we make love I
get splinters." So Pinnochio goes to Gepetto to ask his advice. Gepetto says,
"Sandpaper, my boy, that's all you need." A few days later Gepetto runs into
Pinnochio and says, "So how are you doing with the girls now?" Pinnochio says,
"Who needs girls?"

Two dwarfs win the lottery and decide to go out on the town and pick up a couple of
prostitutes. They take them back to a hotel and get a room next to each other. The
first dwarf is on the bed and cannot get a hard on. He tries and tries but he gets put
off by the noise coming from the next room. He keeps hearing 1-2-3-huh, 1-2-3-huh
and this goes on all night. The next morning the dwarfs meet up to discuss what
happened. The first dwarf says "What a waste of time that was, I couldn't get a hard
on, but you seemed to be doing alright next door !". Second dwarf replies "You must
be kidding I couldn't even get on the bed".

One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of
story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks
for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand.
"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and
drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all
the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in
one basket."
Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the
chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs
The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens
before they're hatched."
Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down
over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a
machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer.
Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70
with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed
20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare
hands". Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his
Billy replies, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

Lady Diana and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St.
Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one
space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in. St. Peter asks
Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off
her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created,
and I'm sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity."

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Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Diana the same question. Diana drops her skirt and
panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it.
St. Peter says, "OK, Diana, you may go in. Have a nice day." Dolly is outraged.
She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own creations, she
performs a disgusting, pornographic act, and she gets in and I don't?!!!"
"Sorry, Dolly, but a royal flush beats a pair any day."

After a hard day at the office, three guys decide to go out for a cocktail to wind down.
The bar becomes very crowded, a few drinks turns into many and soon everyone is
tanked. All three lose track of each other and end up going home seperately.
The next day at the office, the three gather by the watercooler to discuss the past
evenings events. The first guy says, "I got so drunk last night that I went home and
blew chunks."
The second guy pipes in, "That's nothing. I got so drunk that I got in my car and
drove it right into a telephone pole. Totaled it. I didn't get hurt but now I have no car."
The third guy says, "Well, I got so drunk that when I got home, I cussed my girlfriend
out and knocked over a candle which lit the apartment on fire. She dumped me, all
my belongings are destroyed and the home insurance won't cover the damage."
The first guy motions the two to come closer and whispers, "I'm not sure you
understand.... Chunks is my dog."

A man walks into confessional and says, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned..." The
priest replies, "What is it that brings you here?" "Well father, I used the f-word over
the weekend." "Oh is that all? Say five Hail Mary's and may the Lord be with you."
The man replies, "but I really need to talk about it." "Let's have it then", the priest
says as he leans back on the hard wooden bench.
"You see Father, I was playing golf this weekend and on the first tee, I was lining up
my drive and proceeded to hit a horrendous slice into the trees." "And that's when
you cursed aloud?" the Father queried. "No, not yet. As luck would have it, I found
my ball and had a clear shot to the green from a nice lie; when all of a sudden, a
squirrel scampered out of some bushes, picked up my ball by its teeth and darted up
a tree."
"That must have been when you cursed?" "No, because just as the squirrel had
climbed to the top of the tree, a bird swooped out of the skies and grabbed the
squirrel with its talons. The bird flew out the trees and back out over the green.
Then, the squirrel dropped my ball from its mouth landing 5 inches from the cup!"
"And that's when you cursed aloud," the priest said assuredly.
"No, no....."
The Priest interjected, "Hang on a minute. You're not going to tell me you missed the
Fucking putt!"

After the fire-truck arrived at a burning building in a small Spanish town, the firemen
observed a man dressed in a matador's costume prancing around on the roof. Four
of the firemen held a safety-net and urged him to escape from the burning building by
jumping into the net. He refused and loudly proclaimed, "I'm Fearless Jose the
bullfighter who fears nothing, not even fire."
The firemen begged and pleaded but to no avail. Jose kept prancing around while
repeating the same phrase over and over until the firemen got really sick and tired of
hearing it.

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Finally, when the flames began to scorch his butt, Jose announced he had changed
his mind, was ready to jump and then leaped off the rooftop. As his body hurtled
toward the safety-net, the four firemen shouted, "Ole!" and quickly moved it aside.

Grilled bacon
One day a station manager on a rather large outback property needed a fence
repaired on one of the farm boundaries, so he called on one of his stockmen to do
the repairs. "I want you to go out to the northern boundary and fix the fence", he
instructed. "Take the four wheel drive, and if you have any troubles, call me on the
two-way." "Ok", said the stockman, and he set off.
Four hours later the station manager got a call... "What is it?", asked the station
manager. "Well, I was driving back in the four wheel drive and I ran into a pig!", says
the stockman. "Yeah, so what's the problem?", asks the station manager. "Well, he's
stuck in the bullbar! And he's still alive and kicking so much that I can't get him
free!!!", says the stockman. "All right mate! I'll tell you what to do!", says the station
manager. "Behind the front seat, you'll find a .303. Take it out, load it, and put the
barrel against the pig's head and fire! It'll go all limp and you can pull it out from the
bullbar! Then, drag it into the bushes and dump it there!" "Beauty! No worries mate!",
replied the stockman. About 15 minutes later there was another call. "Boss?", says
the stockman. "What is it now?", replies the station manager. "I done exactly as you
said, but I still can't move the truck.", says the stockman. "Why not?", asks the
station manager. "Well, it's his motorbike. It's jammed underneath the damned truck!"

Key facts
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and young Sister Magdalene
Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had
instructed. Sister Magdalene Edwards also remembered just what her instructions
were: not to look at Fr. John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he
instructed her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath
had done. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved." "Saved? And
how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun. "Well, when Fr. John was
soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him the Lord
guided my hand down between his legs where the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did He now," said the old nun evenly. "And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven
fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of
salvation and eternal peace." "And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into
my lock." "Is that a fact," said the old nun even more evenly. "At first it hurt terribly,
but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God
would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old Devil," said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've
been blowing it for 40 years."

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As
Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to
provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two
conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the
second condition?" "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will
turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2. The appointed hour comes
and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up,
looking love-struck and *very* satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the fairy
godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours
ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no

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prince with that kind of power! What was his name?" "I can't remember, exactly
...Peter Peter, something or other...."

Three pregnant ladies, a redhead, a brunette and a blonde were all sitting in the
doctor's office one day.
"I'm glad this one will be a boy." announced the redhead.
"But," inquired the blonde, "how can you know?"
"Well," explained the redhead, "I conceived during the male dominant position."
"Yes," agreed the brunette, "and my baby will be a girl because I conceived during
the female dominant position." With that the blonde burst into tears.
"What's wrong?" asked the other two ladies.
To which the blonde wailed, "I'm gonna have puppies!"

Well red
This Blond suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. She goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and, sure enough, she opens the door to
find him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blond is angry. She opens her purse,
takes out the gun but, as she does she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and
points to her head. The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it."
The blond replies "Shut up, you're next."

Rod socks
One day an engineer is going into a new grocery shop on the outskirts of town. When
just inside, he sees a sign which says:
He looks around and calls for service. Then, an exceptionally attractive young lady
emerges. "Do you work here?" he asks. "Yes," she replied. "And is the statement on
the sign over there true?" The lady leans over the counter and says seductively,
"Tell me," he asks, "who fits them?" "I do," said the lady.
"Well," said the engineer, "would you please wash your hands and give me a pound
of tomatoes?"

Real estate
A guy finds a prostitute and seeks sex. The prostitute offers a hand job for $500.
"Five hundred dollars are you nuts?" The prostitute says " see that Maserati over
there?, I paid for that with hand jobs!". So the guy hands over the $500 and gets a
pretty good job.
A couple of weeks later he gets the urge again, seeks out the same prostitute and
says "the hand job was really good, but how are you on oral sex?" "Sure oral sex is
$1,000." "a thousand, thats a lot." "See that restaurant across the street? I bought
that with blow jobs!". The guy pays the thousand and is rewarded with really good
another couple of weeks pass and he keeps thinking about the prostitite. So he fids
the prostitute again and says "You know, the hand job was great, the blow job was
super, but how about a little pussy:" The prostitute says "see those two high rise
buildings there? I'd own those too if I had a pussy".

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Tail tales
Everyone now knows about "emoticons," like this: :-)
Less well known are the following "assicons":
(_!_) A regular ass
(__!__) A fat ass
(!) A tight ass
(_._) A flat ass
(_^^_) A bubble ass
(_*_) A sore ass
(_!___) A lopsided ass
{_!_} A swishy ass
(_o_) An ass that's been around
(_O_) An ass that's been around even more
(_$_) This ass will cost you
(_/_) An Asian ass
(_~_) A latin ass
(_`_) A French ass
(_x_) Kiss my ass
(_X_) Leave my ass alone
(_#_) Pound my ass
(_##_) Pound my ass even harder
(_<>_) An ass ready for action
(_zzz_) A tired ass
(_oo_) An ass built for two
(_o^^o_) A wise ass
(_13_) An unlucky ass
(_Y_) An ass that can't say "No"
(_*_) Tongue in cheek
(_<_) This ass belongs to someone.

Good Seating
How many monkeys does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to do it and one to scratch his bum.

How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Californians don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs!

How many Alaskan women does it take to change a light bulb?
"Hey Bob, this is Carol ... I think I have a light bulb out over here."

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How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't need to, they glow in the dark.

So be it
How many Soviet emigres does it take to change a light bulb?
One, and a lot of light bulbs.

How many light bulbs does it take to change a Soviet emigre?
One, if you aim well.

What do a Soviet emigre and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common?
Neither one is very bright.

Good turn
How many African Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drive the pink Cadillac in tight circles.

Load of Shiite
How many Shiites does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to hijack a light bulb, one to commandeer a jet to Beirut airport, one to
hold press conferences, and one to negotiate with Israel and the US for the release
of fluorescent bulbs held in hostage around the world!!

How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
16. One to change the bulb and fifteen to stand around and say "Good on yer, mate!"

How many armies does it take to change a light bulb? At least five. The Germans to
start it, the French to give up really easily after only trying for a little while, the Italians
to make a start, get nowhere, and then try again from the other side, the Americans
to turn up late and finish it off and take all the credit, and the Swiss to pretend nothing
out of the ordinary is happening.

Nil return
How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.

How many Nightclub bouncers does it take to change a lightbulb
None... bouncers aren’t scared of the dark.

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How many yuppies does it take to change a lightbulb
Two. One to mix the cocktails and the other to call the electrician.

How many women with P.M.S. does it take to change a lightbulb

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb

How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.

You two
How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.

Apple of the eye

How many Mac owners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Mac users don't screw, they just click the genital icon.

How many baby sitters does it take to change a light bulb?
None, They don't make Pampers small enough.

Wait here
How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb?
None, even a burned out bulb can't catch a waiter's eye.

How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to assure that everything possible is being done while the other screws
the bulb into the water faucet.

How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?
None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.

How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke.

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How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, astronomers prefer the dark.

How many school teachers does it take to change a light bulb on the space shuttle,
1,000,001. One to screw it in and a million to pick up the pieces.

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but the light bulb has to really WANT to change.

How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes 30 visits.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a
lawyer to screw a light bulb...

How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb?
101. One to change it and 100 to convince everyone else to change light bulbs too.

How many Ayatollahs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. There were no lights in the thirteenth century.

How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.

A Mystery
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in light bulb?
Two, one to screw it in almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist
at the end.

How many anglers does it take to change a light bulb?
Five, and you should've seen the light bulb! It must have been this big.

Ozzy rules
How does Ozzy Osbourne change a light bulb?
First he bites off the old one.

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What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.

Butt in
How many gay men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they get screwed in the ass instead.

How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to declare that the bulb has violated the socket. One to secretly wish she
was the socket. One to secretly wish she was the bulb. One to DO IT ALL BY
HERSELF!!!! And one to stand there and say: THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. Men screw anything.

Back seat Essex

How many Essex Girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they only screw in Cortinas

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three, but they're really only one.

Dead easy
How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.

Feline OK
How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?
You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline, light it up with
a match, and you'll have all the light you need.

Ape it
How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!

No holds barred
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the
second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a

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transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from
the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.
E., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the
front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary
living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination
being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the
aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal
transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
-The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by
means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party
of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in
a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point
where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of
the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option
of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with
all applicable state, local and federal statutes. Once separation and disposal have
been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning
installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall
occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step
one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in
a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of
the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to
produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't
see anyone so he opened the bottle. A genie appeared and thanked the man for
letting him out. The genie said, "I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will
grant you one wish. I can only grant one."
The man thought for a while and finally said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii.
I've never been able to go because I cannot fly. Airplanes are much too frightening
for me. On a boat, I see all that water and I become very claustrophobic. So I wish
for a road to be built from here to Hawaii.
The genie thought for a few minutes and finally said, "No, I don't think I can do that.
Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the piling needed to hold up a highway
and how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean. Imagine all
the pavement needed. No, that is just too much to ask."
The man thought for a few minutes and then told the genie, "There is one other thing
I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes
them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get
along with. Basically, what makes them tick."
The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or

Just desserts
There's these two French Legionnaires in the desert, and they've been separated
from their unit and are lost. They've been wandering for several days without food
and water, and are nearly resigned to the fact that they will soon die from
dehydration, when as they reach the top of a sand dune, they see a big, bustling
market laid out before them.
Naturally, they can't believe their eyes and think it's a mirage, but as they draw
closer, they can hear the stallholders' cries, and they eventually reach the market and
realise that it's really there.

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So the legionnaires rush up to the first stall they can and cry to the stallholder,
"Stallholder, we have been travelling in the desert for many days, and have had no
food or water. We shall surely die soon unless you have some you can sell us - tell
us, do you have any sustenance for us?"
The stallholder shook his head and replied "I'm sorry, French legionnaire type people,
but all I have to sell is a load of bowls full of jelly, topped with custard and cream, and
lovingly sprinkled with hundreds and thousands."
The legionnaires look at each other, mildly surprised, and move on to the next stall,
where they ask the stallholder, "Mr purveyor of fine foodstuffs and the like, we have
been travelling through the desert for days, deprived of the necessary beverages and
foodstuffs which are required for survival. We shall surely die soon, unless you can
sell us some skins of water."
The stallholder looked at them embarrassed, and confessed "Gentlemen, tragic as I
admit it is, I have none of the ingredients necessary to life for which you ask me...all I
have to sell is this large bowl of jelly topped with custard and cream and sprinkled
with hundreds and thousands, with a little cocktail cherry in the middle at the top -
there," he said, pointing out the glace cherry. "I cannot help you.."
The legionnaires look at each other in desperation, and run on to the next stall, where
they demand of the stallholder, "Look mate," (cos they'd stopped talking funny all of
a sudden) "we need water or we'll die. We've been travelling without water for days
and need some now. Do you have any you can sell us?"
The stallholder looked at his curl-ended shoes in shame as he confessed, "Sorry,
fellas, all I have to sell you is a bowl of jelly, with custard, cream and hundreds and
thousands. I can't help you. I'll have to condemn you to a long and lingering death
through dehydration."
The legionnaires were really worried by this point, and they went through the market,
stall by stall, asking each stallholder whether they had any water they could sell
them, and thus save their lives, but each stallholder gave the same reply, all they
had to sell was a bowl of jelly with cream, custard and hundreds and thousands.
Dejected and resigned to their grim fate, the legionnaires left the desert market and
walked off into the setting sun. As they did so, one turned to the other and said, "That
was really odd - a big market in the middle of nowhere, and all they sold was bowls of
jelly with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands."
The other turned to face his companion and replied, "Yes, it was a trifle bazaar"

Legal dog
On a very hot day, a lawyer is walking on extraordinarily hot asphalt. He steps in a
huge steaming pile of dog shit, which oozes out sickeningly from under his feet. The
stench is horrible. He looks down, sees this and shouts in dismay- Oh my god, I'm

there once was a man called Nape
who performed anal sex with an ape
the monkey could speak
with handsignals in greek
and now he's in prison for rape.

There was a parson called Bings

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well versed in religious things

but what fired his desire
was a boy in the choir
with a bottom like jelly on springs

Nice petals
One day the teacher came to class with a rose placed in her cleavage. She asked,
"Can anyone tell me what roses drink? How about you, Johnny?"
"Milk!" answered Little Johnny.
"No, I'm sorry. That's the wrong answer. Roses drink water," explained the teacher.
"Wow!" Johnny exclaimed. "I didn't know the stem was that long!"

A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the afternoon with her for
$500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash
with him, but that he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling
the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event
was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and
enclosed the following typed note:
Dear Madam,
Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending
the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the
impression that:
• it had never been occupied;
• that there was plenty of heat;
• that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat,
and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the
following note:
Dear Sir:
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain
unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it
on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have
enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.

Hop Inn
Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the pub.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,

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But deliver us from hangovers.

For thine is the beer, The bitter, The lager.

The devil you know

A man and his wife were driving through Arkansas on his way from New York to
California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station
and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high
octane pump.
"What can I do fer ya'll?" asks the attendant.
"Fill 'er up with high test," replies the driver.
While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What
kinda car is dat?" he asks, "I never seen one like it befer."
"Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my man, is a 1997
Cadillac DeVille."
"What all it got in it?" asks the attendant.
"Well," says the driver, "It has everything. It has power steering, power seats, power
sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10-deck CD-player in the trunk with 100
watts per channel, 8-speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around,
leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."
"Wow!" admires the attendant, "Thata be something!"
"How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver.
"Thata be $30.17," replies the attendant.
The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his
other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are golf
"What dem little wooden things?" asks the attendant.
"That's what I put my balls on when I drive," answers the driver.
"Wow!" exclaims the attendant, "Dem Cadillac people think of everything!"

Jam it
A week after their marriage, the newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor. "I can't figure it
out Doc, my testicles are turning blue." The doctor examined him and confirmed the
unusual condition. He asked the wife, "Are you using the diaphragm I prescribed ?"
"Yes." she replied.
"And what kind of jelly are you using ?" the doctor then asked.
"Grape." she answered.

Sabre Tiger
Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker were having another of their duels with light sabers
and Darth steps back and announces “LUKE, I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GETTING
FOR CHRISTMAS”. After another few blows of their swords, Luke say “How do you
know that?. They trade more blows, then Darth announces “LUKE, I HAVE FELT

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Legal Eagle
Apair of lawyers walking along on a spring afternoon. One of them spots a miniskirt
approaching, swaying in syncopation with an impressive superstructure, and remarks
to his mate: "God, I'd love to fuck her!"
The reply: "Out of what?"

Haul of fame
A truck driver is hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, he stops for a beer. As he
approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED-
He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells
kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a
truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK,
truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny
guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of
pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a
word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he
did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley,
and are in season now. "You don't even need a license", he said.
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the
freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door
breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a
crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers,
accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.
He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he
pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway
patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," said the cop, "but you can't bait 'em."

What's six inches long, two inches wide, and sends women into ecstacy?
A chocolate bar.

Room mate
By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got
to have a room somewhere." he pleaded to the last hotel manager, "Or just a bed--I
don't really care where. I'm completely exhausted
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and I'm
sure he would be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly
that people in adjoining rooms have complained all week. I'm not sure it'd be worth it
to you."
"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. The
manager asked him how he survived.
"Never better." John said.
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope. I shut him up in no time."
"How'd you manage that?"

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"He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room," John said. "I went
over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Good night, beautiful,' and I guess he sat
up all night watching me."

Cute bird
A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She
decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it wouldn't be as much work as say a
dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately
spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how
much. The owner said it was $50.
Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she
agreed to buy it. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that
this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She said she
would buy it anyways. The petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home.
She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The
bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."
A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school.
When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam,
new whores."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but than began to laugh about
the situation. A couple of hours later, the woman's husband came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores; same old
faces. Hi George!"

Prehensile Cock
A man walks into a pet shop in search of a gift for his wife's birthday. "Well, sir, we
have all kinds of fluffy kittens, cuddly puppies, bubbly goldfish - you name it," says
the attendant. "I kind of wanted something a bit out of the ordinary," says the man.
"Just the thing," says the attendant, and brings out a sulphur-crested cockatoo. "This
is a real conversation-piece at parties. You'll love him. Not only can he talk; he has a
vocabulary of 50,000 words - and no legs!"
"No legs! How does he stay on his perch?" asks the man.
"Well, erm, if you look closely you'll see that he, erm, curls his penis around it and
hangs on with that," the attendant replies.
The man decides this is too novel to pass up, and duly presents his wife with the
aptly-named Cocky that evening. They spend the next couple of weeks conversing
with Cocky every day, enriching their use of the language and admiring how
observant he is. Then one afternoon the man arrives home and asks Cocky how his
day went.
"Very well, thank you Sir. It was interesting and highly entertaining -especially this
"Oh? What was so special about this morning, Cocky?" asks the man.
"Your wife had a visitor," replies Cocky with a knowing wink.
"Someone I know?"
"Oh, I don't believe so, Sir. I'd never seen him myself, and he and your wife seemed
anxious to ensure that you neither knew him nor got to know him in future. I might
add that he was a most handsome and distinguished-looking gentleman."
"But this is awful! What did my wife and this guy DO?"

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"Well Sir," says Cocky, "to begin with your wife opened the door to him, glanced
quickly up and down the street, and bundled him inside in a considerable hurry."
"What next?"
"They proceeded to kiss each other passionately, right here in the living-room."
"Go on," says the man, getting very agitated.
"They undressed - in the process tearing several buttons off and making rather a
mess of a bowl of guacamole," Cocky informs the man.
"And - and then?"
"I'm afraid I don't know, Sir. At that point I fell off my perch."

Foul play
It seems that there was a male parrot who lived on a large plantation. Since there
were no female parrots in the area he had developed the habit of occasionally
interfering with the farmer's chickens. This annoyed the farmer and after one incident
he told the parrot that if he did it again, he would pull all of the feathers out of the
parrot's head.
The farmer also allowed that if the parrot wanted to get back in his good graces, he
could officiate at a grand party the farmer was giving. The parrot was to sit on the
chandelier in the front hall and as guests arrived announce "Ladies to the right and
gents to the left".
The parrot agreed to this and on the night was perched on the chandelier saying
"Ladies to the right and gents to the left". Suddenly amidst the newcomers, two bald
headed men arrived. The parrot looked at them and said "Ladies to the right and
gents to the left. And you to chicken fanciers can get up on the chandelier with me".

Why do women have 2 sets of lips? One for arguing, one for apologising.

The Madame opened the brothel door to see an elderly Scot. His clothes were all
dishevelled and he looked "needy".
"Can I help you?" the Madame asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir,
Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies; perhaps someone else..." "No, I want
Just then, Natalie appeared, and announced to the old man that she charged $1,000
per hour. The man never blinked, reached into his pocket, and handed her ten $100
notes. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.
The next night, he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one
had ever come back two nights in a row, and that there were no discounts, it was still
$1,000 for one hour. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the
room, and he left an hour later.
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he
handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour
Natalie questioned the old man. "No one has ever used my services three nights in a
row, where are you from?" The old man replied, "I am from Aberdeen." "Really?"
replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there!" "I know," said the old man. "She
gave me $3,000 to give to you."

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Kids story
Salesman to boy answering the door......."Hi, is your mother in?" "Yes, said the boy,
she's out in the back yard screwing the goat." I don't believe it," said the salesman.
The boy says: "come and see for yourself." So the salesman looked in the back yard,
and sure enough, there was the goat screwing the mother. The salesman said to the
boy, "Isn't she afraid she'll get pregnant?" The boy says..N.-a-a-a-a-a-a-"

Martial art
They were the first to attempt to colonize Mars. They had landed with grass seeds to
plant and horse, sheep and cattle embryos. But the grass wouldn't grow and none of
the calves would survive. The horses and sheep were doing well, but there not
enough to meet their needs. So they sent a message to earth asking for more sheep
and horses and a replacement for the cattle and grass. They particularly wanted an
animal that could be used as meat in place of beef.
Earth radioed back asking if venison would be satisfactory and it was. Finally a space
shuttle arrived with the needed supplies. The bill of lading was rushed to the leader of
the colony who then spoke to his consul, "we got everything we asked for. They sent
mare zygotes and doe zygotes and little lambs and ivy."

The Minnow's Story

There is a minnow swimming in a pond, who spots a worm. "Hmm", thinks the
minnow,"if I swim up & eat that worm, I'll have lunch!"
There is a frog sitting on a lily pad, thinking to himself, "If I wait for that minnow to go
after that worm, I can jump in and eat him and I'll have lunch!"
There is a fish in the pond who sees the frog and thinks' "If I wait for the frog to go
after the minnow that is going after the worm, I can swim over and eat him, and I'll
have lunch!"
There is an eagle flying over the pond, who spies the fish and thinks' "If I wait for the
fish to swim over to eat the frog that is going after the minnow that is going after the
worm, I can swoop down and catch him, and I'll have lunch!"
There is a hunter by the side of the pond staring up at the eagle and thinking, "If I
wait for the eagle to swoop down to get the fish that is going after the frog that is
going after the minnow that is going after the worm, I can shoot him and I'll have
There is a mouse sitting behind the hunter thinking, "If I wait for the hunter to bend
down to shoot the eagle when it dives after the fish that is going for the frog that is
going for the minnow that is going for the worm, the crackers will fall out of his
pocket, and I'll have lunch!"
There is a cat sitting behind the mouse thinking, "If I wait for the mouse to go after
the crackers which fall out of the hunter's pocket when he bends down to shoot the
eagle that is diving after the fish that is going for the frog that is going after the
minnow that is going after the worm (phew!), I can pounce on him, and I'll have
The minnow darts, the frog jumps, the fish swims over, the eagle dives, the hunter
bends down to shoot, the crackers fall and the mouse is about to run after them,
when he hears a noise behind him and instinctively crouches down reeeaaal low. The
cat pounces where he was expecting the mouse to be, and goes sailing into the
The moral of the story? The longer the climax, the wetter the pussy.

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There was the story about the bloke who was born by caesarian. He reckoned it
hadn’t affected him but he always left through the front window. He wanted to buy a
pair of budgies once, but his mum only let him have one, she reckoned one could
cheep as lively as two.

Q:What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A: They can both smell it but can't eat it.
Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Q: What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A: By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy
box to pop your bone in.
Q: How are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's brown and often found in children's underpants?
A: Michael Jackson's hand
Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone at the
party except you.
Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A:Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A : Wiped his ass.
Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.
Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
A: Put a nipple on it.
Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak
Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done
A: Made her chain too long

Three words
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally
gorgeous and sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could
not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare
and walked directly toward him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him,
'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for
$100 on one condition.'
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied,
'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'

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The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his
pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young
woman's hand.
He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, 'Paint... my... house.'

A woman goes to a doctor with a problem. She's sat on the chair next to the doctor,
and she's very hesitant about describing her problem. Eventually the doctor manages
to discover that she thinks she may be sexually perverted.
"What sort of perversion are you talking about?" asks the doctor.
"Well," said the woman, "I like to be ... ohh ... ah ... ummm ... I'm sorry doctor, but I'm
too ashamed to talk about it." "Come, come, my dear. I'm a doctor you know; I've
been trained to understand these problems. So what's the matter ...?" So the woman
again tried to explain, but got so embarrassed that she just turned bright red and
looked as though she might faint.
It was then the doctor had a bright idea. "Look," he said, "I'm a bit of a pervert myself.
So if you show me what your perversion is, I'll show you what mine is. Ok? Is it a
The woman considered the offer, and after a short while agreed that it was a fair
request. So after a slight pause she said: "Well my perversion is ... my perversion ...
oh ... I like to be kissed on the bottom!"
"Shit Is that ALL!" said the doctor. "Look, go behind that screen, take all your clothes
off, and I'll come round and show you what MY perversion is! Hee Hee!"
So the woman does as she is told, and undresses behind the screen. She gets down
on all fours thinking to herself, "Hmmmm, perhaps he might kiss me on the bum."
Anyway, 15 minutes pass and nothing has happened. So the woman peers around
the side of the screen to see the doctor sitting behind his desk, his feet up on the
table, reading a newspaper and whistling to himself.
"Hey!" shouted the woman, "I thought you said you were a pervert?" "Oh I am," said
the doctor, "I've just shit in your handbag."

A Guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells
everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. "He can play any instrument
in the world." He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot
etc... So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the
octopus can't play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus. The octopus starts
playing better than Jimmi Hendrix, just rippin it up. So the man pays his $50.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than
Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays his $50.
A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with
it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look. "Ha" the man says "can't you
play it?" The octopus looks up at the man and says "Play it? I'm going to fuck it as
soon as I get its pajamas off"

Stow boat
The Ingham twins were the two bratty teenage girls that stowed away on a boat from
NZ to Australia. So what’s the difference between the Ingham twins and Princess Di?
The twins were tucked in a funnel

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Life shaver
A young woman had a pet doggie that she groomed for a show, but when she
showed it they said it was disqualified- hair was too long for that breed.
So she bought some hair remover, and the chemist said 'keep your arms up for 20
minutes after you use it'
'No no' she says, 'its for my chihuahua'
'In that case stay off your bicycle for a half hour'

healthy old feller

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he
was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's
pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a
guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a
bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared
in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the
handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the
old man replied "No". The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

Cut up
A butcher rings up his wife and says, "Listen honey, bad news. I just cut my finger
off." Wife replies, "Oh no, not the whole finger."
Butcher says, " No, the one next to it."

Room cervice
Two ducks are on their honeymoon. The wife says to the husband, "Did you
remember the condoms?"
The husband says, "No, dammit, I forgot them".
"Well, order some from room service," yells the wife.
When the busboy comes up, he hands the condoms to the duck and asks, "Should I
put these on your bill?"
The husband angrily responded: "What do I look like, a pervert?"

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with
his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him
in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?," he says. "That's cool"
says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies
politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father
responds "why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and therefore he asks Carrie's Dad
to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all

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night if we let her!" Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plans for the
evening were beginning to look pretty good.
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces
that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out
the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the
door behind her, and screams at her father:"DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE
TWIST!!! "

Bad spices
Three men are sitting in a room smoking cannabis. After a few spliffs they run out of
gear. One of the men stands up and says 'Look, we've got loads more tobacco, I'll
just nip into the kitchen and make one of my speciality spliffs.'
Off he goes into the kitchen where he takes some Cumin, Turmeric and a couple of
other spices from the spice rack, grinds them up and rolls them into a spliff.
On his return he hands it to one of his smoking partners who lights it and takes a long
drag. Within seconds he passes out.
Ten minutes go by and he is still out cold, so the others decide to take him to
hospital. On arrival the nurses immediately take him to intensive care. A doctor
returns to the friends and asks 'So what have you been doing then? Smoking
'Well sort of', replies one of the guys, 'But we ran out of gear, so I made a home-
made spliff.' 'Ahh' replies the doctor, 'And what did you put in it?'
'Oh, just a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a couple of other spices.' The doctor
sighs. 'Well that explains it.'
'Why, what's wrong with our friend?' asks one of the men.
'He's in a korma' replies the doctor.

Cute puck
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in
and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole
heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a
half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. The boy
walked into the back room and said, "there is some asshole out there who wants to
buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to
find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to
buy the other half". The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of
trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it.
You think on your feet and we like that around here. Were are you from son?" The
boy replied, "Canada, sir". "Oh really? Why did you leave Canada" asked the
manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."
"My wife is from Canada!!"
The boy replied, "Really! What team did she play for?

At Sunnyside mental hospital, the head psychiatrist is examining patients to see if
they're cured and ready to re-enter society.
"So, Mr. Clark, I see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal.
What do you think you might do once you're released?"
The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I once did mechanical
engineering. That's still a good field, good money there. But on the other hand, I

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thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital, what it's like to
be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I
thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I've grown interested
in lately."
The doctor nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities.
The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a

A man walks into a tavern and sees a jarful of cash on the bar. He asks the bartender
what the jar of cash is for and the bartender says, "If you can make my horse laugh,
you win the money."
So, the man walks around back of the tavern, whispers in the horses ear and the
horse starts laughing and snorting and stomping his hooves. The man walks back
into the tavern and takes the jar of cash.
A few weeks later, the same man walks into the tavern and sees another jar of cash
on the bar. He asks the bartender what the jar of cash is for and the bartender says,
"My horse hasn't stopped laughing since you were in here last and if you can make
my horse stop laughing you win the money."
So the man walks around the back of the tavern and everyone hears the loudest
sobbing and crying coming from the horse. The man walks up to the bar and reaches
for the jar of cash.
"Hold on a minute", says the bartender. " I've gotta know what you said to that
"Well," says the man, "the first time I came in, I told him that my dick was bigger than
"And the second time?" Asked the bartender.
"I showed him." said the man.

Caught short
A dwarf with a lisp goes to an agricultural show to buy a mare. He wanders around
until he comes across a beautiful mare inside a small enclosure with a farmer
standing at the gate.
He goes up to the farmer and says, "Excthuth me, can I have a look at your horth?"
"Sure", says the farmer,"come on in."
The dwarf wanders round and round the mare and then stops, says to the farmer
"Her eyeth, her eyeth, I want to see her eyeth."
The farmer has to bend down and pick up the dwarf to show him the mare's eyes.
"Nith eyeth, nith eyeth, I like thith horth, I like thith horth, I think I want to buy thith
Once again the dwarf wanders around the horse, in turn asking the farmer to pick him
up and show him the mare's ears and exclaiming, "Nith earth, nith earth, I like thith
horth, I like thith horth, I think I want to buy thith horth."
The farmer is starting to get pissed off by this stage because the dwarf is quite
Suddenly the dwarf stops in his tracks and says, "Her twot. her twot, I want to see
her twot!"
The farmer, infuriated, picks up the dwarf and drives him head first into the mare's

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He leaves the dwarf's legs kicking and wanders off to talk to his mates.
After a while he comes back and extracts the dwarf from his predicament...
The dwarf wipes himself down and says. "I think I better wephrase that...I'd like to
thee her gallop"

Good reception
Young couple making passionate love in the guy's van --you know, shag carpets, big
double bed in the back, all of that -- and suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky
side, yells out, "Oh lover, whip me! Please whip me!"
Well, the guy, not wanting to pass up an opportunity like that, but unsure what to do
as he has no whips around, gets an inspired flash, opens one window, snaps the
antenna off his van, and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sado-
masochistic ecstasy.
Almost a week later the girl notices that the welts she sustained are beginning to
fester a bit and goes to her doctor.
The doctor takes one look at the wounds, pronounces "Hmm. Looks like a bad case
of van-aerial disease..."


Judi the blonde runs crying into the office. "Whatever is wrong?" gasps her best
friend Carol.
"It's my boyfriend Paul the PORSCHE DRIVER" gushes Judi.
"He was working on the back engine in the boot of his 911 when the lid came down
and cut off a finger!"
"My god" shrieks Carol. "It didn't amputate his WHOLE finger!"
"No thank goodness" sniffs Judi. "But it was the one just next to it!"

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.

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You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used
against you.
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Atheism is a non-profit organization.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Clintons pole
One day down at the White House, Bill Clinton noticed that yet another beautiful
young intern had just started. So he spends the morning showing her all around the
White House and they finally end up (as always) in the Oval Office.
Beaming up at the President, she tells him how impressed she is with her new
surroundings. Bill replies that if she really wants to see something impressive then
she should come and take a look at a magnificent clock tucked away in one of the
side rooms. She agrees and Bill leads her off into the side room, whereupon he
promptly unzips his fly and pulls out the Presidential flag-pole.
"Mr President!!!" she exclaims, "What is the meaning of this? That isn't a clock!"
"Well now" says Bill, "just you put two hands and a face on it and then tell me what it
looks like!"


I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I
also know that I'm not blonde. - Dolly Parton
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart
woman with a dumb guy. - Erica Jong
I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job. -> Roseanne
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide
whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. - Rita Rudner
This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho and a
sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?" - Judy Tenuta
He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant. – Carol Leifer
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. – Wendy Liebman
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. – Erma Bombeck
If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them. - Sue Grafton
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. – Roseanne
I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms
instead. - Sue Kolinsky
I think--therefore I'm single. - Lizz Winstead
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another
country. - Elayne Boosler
I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. - Gilda Radner
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson

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Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant
professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male
schlemiel. - Bella Abzug
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a
woman. - Margaret Thatcher
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. -
Gloria Steinem
Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. - Gloria Steinem
Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should
live next door and just visit now and then. - Katharine Hepburn
I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer
the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot
which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. - Marie Corelli
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to
start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? - Linda Ellerbee
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.-- Zsa Zsa
"Men get laid, but women get screwed" Quentin Crisp (English writer)
"When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman
already knows" Frederick Ryder
"Women need a reason to have sex-men just need a place." Billy Crystal.
"I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. 'Please, I'll only put it in for a minute.'
What am I, a microwave?" Berverly Mickins (American comedienne)
"Do you know why God withheld the sense of humor from women? So that we may
love you instead of laugh at you." Mrs. Patrick Campbell (English actress)
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot
they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what i'm
doing, just show me somebody naked." Jerry Seinfeld
"We got new advice as to what motivated man to walk upright: to free his hands for
masturbation." Jane Wagner
"You know why God is a man? Because if God was a woman she would have made
sperm taste like chocolate." Carrie Snow (I'm sure the ladies will LOVE this
"Women still remember the first kiss after men have forgotten the last." Remy de
Gourmant (french writer)
"A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a woman loses hers after four
kisses" H.L. Mencken (American writer, 1888-1956)
"When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence. When men hold
off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment" Warren Farrell (American
"Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she
is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it." Lyndon B. Johnson
"Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make
thousands miserable?" Carrie Snow
"God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first
question" Anonymous

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Bad Sheep
A lawyer from New York was transfered to a small frontier during the settlement of
the West. After several weeks there he noticed that the town was populated solely by
He asked one of the local cowboys, "What do you do when you get the urge for a
woman?". The cowboy replied,"See them thar'sheep up on thet hill. We just go git us
"That is disgusting and barbaric!!" replied the lawyer.
After about 3 months the lawyer could not stand it any longer. He decided though if
he was going to do a sheep, he would show these yokels how to do it right. He
picked out the prettiest sheep of the bunch, bathed her, put a pink ribbon on her,
served her hay on a china plate, dressed her in fine lingerie, and then took the sheep
to bed. After he finished he decided to take his new found lover out for a drink. He
wandered into the local saloon with the sheep under his arm. The piano fell silent,
people dropped drinks, and all the cowboys turned, and stared in shocked disbelief.
The lawyer said, "You bunch of hippocrites. You look at me as if I'm some sort of
freak for doing what you've been doing all along. I'm just doing it with more class."
"That ain't the problem.", replied one cowboy, "That's the sheriff's gal you're with."

Poker player
She left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a few seconds. "Who
was it?" he asked. "My husband," she replied. "I better get going," he said. "Where
was he?"
"Relax. He's downtown playing poker with you."

Perch voyeur
A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a petshop.
After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what
happened to this parrot." "I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective
"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said
and answered me." "I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly
Intelligent, thoroughly educated bird." "Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how
do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you. I
wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't
see it cause of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?"
"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable
competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy...
and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great
The guy looks at the price tag. "$200!" he says. "I can't afford that."
"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one of his wings.
"Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20 just make an
offer." Guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.

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The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he
understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice.
Guy is delighted.
One day guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "pssst," and motions him
over with one of his wings. Guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should
tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman..."
"What?" says the guy. "What!?"
"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted
him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."
"What happened then?" asks the guy. "Then the mailman came into the house and
lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot.
"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?" "Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on
his knees and began to lick her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down
and down..." The parrot pauses for a long time.
"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.
"I don't know," says the Parrot, "I fell off my perch."

Not plain
A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great
forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.
The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a
small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted,
"Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and
soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-
level passes." "Why?" asked the nervous pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures!"
yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."
The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

A fellow, who had spent his whole life in the desert, comes to visit a friend. He'd
never seen a train or the tracks they run on.
While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears this whistle --
Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.
Predictably, he's hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks. It was only a glancing
blow, so he was fortunate to receive some minor internal injuries, a few broken
bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party one
evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a
baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle
into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the
kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good
tea kettle?"
The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."

Papal poser
A guy is taking a flight from Rome where he's been vacationing. He thinks, wouldn't
it be wonderful if the Pope were to be on the same flight. Much to his surprise the
Pope actually seats himself right next to him and pulls out the paper and starts to do

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a crossword puzzle. The guy's really anxious to start a conversation when the Pope
says to him, "What's a 4 letter word ending in u - n - t that is a word for a female?"
The guy can't believe he's been asked such a thing from the Pope and starts
sweating profusely. After about 2 minutes of a very uncomfortable silence a light
comes on and he proudly announces, "aunt!"
"Thank you very much," says the Pope,
"You got an eraser?"

The Pope was touring Australia, and took out a couple of days from his itinerary to
visit the northern tropics and the outback. Deep into his visit, his 4WD Popemobile
was driving alongside a river, when he heard some splashing up ahead.
As he drew close, the Pope observed in the river an Aboriginal man struggling
frantically with a crocodile, who had grasped the poor guy in its powerful jaws. At that
moment, from around the river-bend, a speedboat roared into view, containing three
people - Bruce Ruxton, Arthur Tunstall and Pauline Hanson.
As the speedboat neared the struggling figures, Pauline Hanson took aim and fired a
harpoon into the crocodile's hide. Then Ruxton and Tunstall pulled the man from the
jaws of the crocodile, and then using long clubs, beat the crocodile to death. They
bundled the semi-conscious man onto the speedboat, as well as the dead croc, and
then approached the river-bank.
The Pope was impressed by what he had witnessed, so he went up to greet them.
He said "I give you my blessings for your brave actions. I have heard that there are
some xenophobic people trying to divide Australia's community - but now I can see
that your society is a truly enlightened example of racial harmony, and could serve as
a model for other nations to follow".
As the Popemobile drove off, Pauline Hanson asked the others: "Who was that?"
Ruxton answered: "That was his holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God,
and has access to all God's wisdom".
Pauline Hanson: "Well, he knows fuck-all about crocodile fishing!"

So a bloke is looking for a parrot, to keep him company since his bike is off the road
and he is between HappilyEverAfters, and he notices a lovely parrot, all turquoise
and green, called a Foo bird. After he pays for it the seller warns that he bought it off
an old sailor (reckoned he was a Swiss admiral, should have smelled fish there!) and
explains how he promised to relay the tale of the curse with the bird. Seems that the
bird brings good luck unless you wipe its guano off your clothes, seems you gotta let
it harden first.
So the biker and the bird get on great, and damned if his luck doesn’t seem to get
better. He wins a 916 Senna in a raffle, picks up a stunning girl in the lotto queue (18,
blonde, smells like honeyed navels), and every employee of the MOT contract a
virulent and infectious VD which particularly constrains their ability to write on the

One day he is cleaning himself up in the loo (just used the tart, and you gotta appear
your best on a Ducati), and the parrot on his shoulder guanos over his leather. That
isn’t so uncommon, happens every day at speed anyway, so as usual a bit of spit and
a wipe with the sleeve and his jacket is like new again.
And he slips on the soap and cracks his head on the porcelain, empties his skull into
the bowl (should have remembered the curse!).

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The moral being, if the foo shits, you should wear it.

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old,
married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I
made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
"So then, why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everybody."

One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in
the air, and then catch them with his mouth. In the middle of catching a peanut, his
wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer her, the peanut feel into his
He tried and tried to dig the peanut out, but only succeeded in pushing it deeper into
his ear. He called his wife for assistance, and after several hours of trying to remove
the peanut, they became concerned and decided to go to the hospital. As they were
ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being
informed of their problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down. The young man then shoved two fingers
up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew
out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man
to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the
father and said, "That's wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to
be when he grows up?" The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, probably
our son-in-law!"

The Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asked readers to take any word from the
dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new
Reintarnation: coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy: any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.
Doltergeist: a spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your septic tank.
Giraffiti: vandalism spray-painted very, very high, such as the famous "Surrender
Dorothy" on the Beltway overpass.
Sarchasm: the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't
get it.
Coiterie: a very VERY close-knit group.
Impotience: eager anticipation by men awaiting their Viagra prescription.
Inoculatte: to take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: terminal coolness.
Taterfamilias: the head of the Potato Head family.
Osteopornosis: a degenerate disease.

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Adulatery: cheating on your spouse with a much younger person who holds you in
Eunough: the pain of castration.
Hindkerchief: really expensive toilet paper; toilet paper at Buckingham palace.
Deifenestration: to throw all talk of God out the window.
Acme: a generic skin disease.
Dopeler effect: the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes,
right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.

Sleepy nun
A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small
cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep.
There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed.
Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the
floor in the sleeping bag."
Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said
"Father, I'm cold." He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got a blanket and put it on
Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep
when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm still very cold."
He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the
sleeping bag once again.
Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold." This time, he remained
there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the wilderness where no
one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're married."
The nun said, "That's fine by me."
To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and get your own damn blanket!"

Poor Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the
recent death of her husband Earl. She decided she would just kill herself and join
him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army
pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly
broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable
and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly
where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date, nor any sex in
quite sometime. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she
decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

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Her MD recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well-known sex therapist. So,
the next day she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose."
"Now, get down and crawl reery fass to the other side of room." So, she did.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK now crawl reery fass to me," so she did. Dr. Chang slowly
shook his head and said "Your probrem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease,
worse case I ever see, that why you not haf sex or dates."
Confused, the woman asked, "What is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang replied, "It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass.
Hear about a meeting that occured between Julie Andrews and Ghandi. She
observed that he had very travel worn feet due to his barefoot treks, and also that he
was emaciated from a meagre vegetarian diet. This diet alse resulted in witheringly
bad breath, and when asked what she thought of him Julie Andrews sung that he
was a 'super calloused fragile mystic cursed with halitosis'

this respected gynaecologist got real tired of his work (I guess it was a country
practice) and decided to retrain as a Ducati mechanic. He passed the course with the
highest marks ever, and in the windup ceremony the head trainer gave a speech
explaining that the guy had three traits previously unseen in ducati mechanics -
1: he was very very clean
2: he put ALL the parts back
3: he reconditioned the whole motor through the exhaust pipe

Jump Start
A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though
the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher
structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he
called home to his father to tell him the news.
"So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant
opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just
walked out of the plane!" "Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and
throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the
plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the
plane or he'd kick my ass."
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and
refused to go. Finally he called over to the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this
great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, ``Boy, are you
gonna jump or not?''
I said, ``No, sir. I'm too scared.''
So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was
about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat!
He said, ``Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your

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"So, did you jump?" asked the father.

"Well, a little, at first."

Bovine feast
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh
cow manure. Since it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to
He ate and ate and ate.
Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away.
He had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As he looked
around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall.
He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got
airborne, he would be able to take flight. Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped
like a rock, splatting when he hit the floor. Dead.
The moral to the story is...
Never fly off the handle when you're full of shit.

Official Mercy
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and drove off on the motorway for a pleasant
evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of
his hair, he was feeling invincible... so he pushed the accelerator down.
As the needle jumped up to 140 kph, he saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.
"There's no way a Highway Patrol can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and
pressed the accelerator to the floor. The speedometer hit 160, then 170. Then the
reality of the situation suddenly hit him.
"What am I doing?" he thought to himself, and pulled over. The policeman came up
to him, asked for his licence, then started looking the car over.
"Look," the officer began, "I've had a tough shift. You are my last offender and I don't
feel like filling out any more paperwork today. If you can give me an excuse for your
driving that I haven't heard before, I'll let you go."
"The truth is, Officer, that last week my wife ran off with a policeman," the man said,
"and I was just afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Off you go," replied the officer.

Car toil
Judi was bored with driving her BMW. It laced individuality and besides that, every
other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps
an MG convertible. That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful
Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with its
gorgeous red paint work. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the
leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing
in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly gowrong?
At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a
stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she
didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her
and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van
pull up behind her.
"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter? Judi replied,
"Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."

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"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like
a cat again.
"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?"
"Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.
Looking shocked she asked, "Oh. How many times a week do I have to do that?"

Wrecked him
A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated."
The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table."
The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with
a baseball bat, and then sends him into the bathroom.
He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Wow, Doc, I feel great. What should I
do to keep this from happening again?"
The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags."

New Wrinkle
The 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon's office. "You know, Doc,"
he said, "I've made love in more exotic cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a
"And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis you got from
scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions," the medic said.
"Hell, no," the old fellow replied. "I want to borrow your Lamborghini."

Evening dilema
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of
these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego
and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard
time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good
at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not
altogether bad in the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have
him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

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Basket humour
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo
anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the
older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I'll bet a week's
wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you
won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then,
nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
Under age drinker
A popular whore house was visited by a lesbian, who requested a 15 year old.
The madam replied "I'm sorry, we don't serve minors to lickers..."

One Read Dog

As y'all may have heard, about a year ago David gave me his dog, Benjy. I'm not
sure if I made a good trade or not, but the other day I decided to bake a cake and
when I discovered that we didn't have any butter, I sent Benjy to the store to buy
some. On the way, he passed a book store (he was used to that, living with David
and all) and, being intrigued by a display in the window, he went in and came home
with a dog-eared book of poems and never made it to the supermarket at all.
Benjy's a great dog, but I learned never to send a literary dog to the grocery store
because . . . he'll get verse before he gets butter!

Tugging chums
Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains who had been friends for
years, would always cry "Aye!" and blow their whistles whenever they passed each
A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What do they do that for?"
The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never heard of . . . an
aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?"

An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Amazon, when the elephant spots
a turtle sunning himself on a rock. The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up
in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle.
"What did you do that for?" asks the crocodile.
The elephant answers, "That turtle was the one that bit me almost fifty years ago."
The crocodile says, "And you remembered him after all these years? Boy, you sure
do have a good memory."
"Yep," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."

Argument precipitated
Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt
a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain", he said.

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Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it
was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking
toward them. "Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph
whether it's officially raining or snowing". As the official approached, the man said,
"Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?" "It's raining, of course",
he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!"
To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

Love Tunnel
There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a
carriage in a train going through Provence.
Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were
no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.Then there was a kissing noise
and the sound of a really loud slap.
When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were
sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face
as he had been slapped there.
The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer
and she missed him and slapped me instead.'
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and
actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.'
And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through
a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French cunt again.'

Dog tired horse

In the days of yore, a knight was on his way to do something terribly important, riding
his horse into the ground to get to his destination as fast as possible.
His horse became lame after being ridden too hard for too long. Seeing a small town
ahead, he ran on until he reached the town and headed straight for the stables.
"I must have a horse" he cried "for the life of the King depends upon it!" or whatever
important happening relied upon him getting wherever he was going.
The stablekeeper shook his head. "I have no horses" he said. "They have all been
taken in the service of your King."
"You must have something - a pony, a donkey, a mule, anything at all?" the knight
"Nothing, unless - no."
The knight's eyes lit up. "Tell me!"
The stablekeeper leads the knight into the stable. Inside is a dog, but no ordinary
dog. This dog is a giant, almost as large as the horse the knight was riding. It is also
the filthiest, shaggiest, smelliest, mangiest dog that the knight has ever seen.
Swallowing, the knight said `I'll take it. Where is the saddle?"
The stablekeeper walked over to a saddle near the dog and started gasping for
breath, holding the walls to keep himself upright. "I can't do it." He told the knight.
"You must give me the dog" cried the knight. "Why can't you?"
The stablekeeper said "I just couldn't send a knight out on a dog like this."

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Crossed cheque
A lawyer, who was quite wealthy, had a summer cabin to which he retreated for
several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of
his to spend a week or two at this cabin, which happened to be in a backwoods
section of Maine.
On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him, and
the friend, surprised to get something free from a lawyer, agreed.
Early one morning the lawyer and his Czech friend went out to pick berries for their
morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, along came two huge bears
-- a male and a female. The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for
cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear caught him and
swallowed him whole.
The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast as he could, and got the
local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his rifle and dashed back to the berry patch with the
lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there.
"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits
from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend.
The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took
careful aim and SHOT THE FEMALE.
"Why did you do that?" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other one!"
"Exactly!" replied the sheriff, "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the
Czech was in the male?"

Bonus pills
There once was this guy that was having bad sex.
He went to the doctor and the doctor gave him a sex pill.
The next day he came back and said," that was fun how much for the whole bottle?"
the doctor said that they were not for sale and that they were addictive.
So that night the guy broke in and stole the whole bottle.
The next day a pissed off kid came in and asked who gave his dad the sex pills? the
doctor said, "I gave him one".
The boy said that his dad got the whole bottle.
The doctor asked, "What happened?"
The boy said, "my moms dead, my sisters pregnant, my butt hurts, my dog ran away,
and my dads on the couch saying here kitty, kitty,kitty."

Belle of the Ball

Two friends meet after many, many years, and the first one asks the second: “I've
noticed that you don't stutter anymore...That is great!”.. The other friend says "W e l l.
m y. d o c t o r. t o l d. m e . i f. I. s p e a k. s l o w l y. I. w o u l d. b e. c u r e d"
The first friend asks: “last I heard of you is that you were going to get married”, to
which the other responds.... "n o t, a n y m o r e. m y. g i r l f r i e n d. d u m p e d. m
e". “Wow, that is so sad!” says the first "How come?"
"Y o u . s e e. o n e. d a y. w e. w e r e . t o g e t h e r. i n . h e r. p o r c h e. a n d . t
h e r e . w a s . a . d o g. s c r a t c h i n g. h i s. b a c k. s o . I . t o l d . m y . g i r l f r
e n d . l o o k . h o n e y. v e r y . s o o n . y o u . w i l l . b e . d o i n g . t h a t . t o . m
e . s o . s h e. t o o k. t h e . r i n g . o f f . a n d . t h r e w . i t . i n . m y . f a c e"
Surprised....the first friend screamed " I can't believe she broke it off over THAT"

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"W e l l . y o u . s e e. I . s p e a k . s o . s l o w . t h a t . b y . t h e . t i m e . s h e . l o
o k e d ... . t h e . d o g . w a s . L I C K I N G . H I S . B A L L S"

Bar Humour
A priest has to leave the church on urgent business, so he asked one of the alter
boys to take confession for the day. The alter boy didn't know a thing about how to do
confession, so the priest told him that there was a cheat sheet in the booth, and he
could just look at that and everything would be fine.
The alter boy waited in the booth till a man came in to confess.
The man said that he had slept with a married woman. The alter boy found the sin on
the list, and told the man to do five hail Mary's.
The man interrupted the alter boy , and said that he had also given a man a blowjob.
The alter boy looked for the sin on the cheat sheet, but couldn't find it.
Franticly, he popped his head out of the booth and flagged down another alter boy.
He asked the alter boy what the priest usually gives for a blowjob.
The alter boy replied, " two candybars, and a pop."

A guy is going on a business trip to Germany. It is his first time abroad and he is not
overly worldly.
He enters a bar and is soon being chatted up by a girl he does not realise is a
prostitute. Naturally enough they end up back in his hotel room.
When she is ready to leave the man is showing no signs of paying and indignantly
she asks "What about the marks?" The man is shocked but recovers and replies
"eight out of ten I should think"

Golf gulf
These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the
clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first
"My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the homebuilding industry.
He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's
so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new
home as a gift."
The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a car
salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the
last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man's says "His son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage and
in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift".
As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been
discussing their prodigies and asks what line his son is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out," he replies.
"For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's a
practicing homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does
because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a
big pile of stock certificates."

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Church Exam
Three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged, and one newlywed, are trying to gain
membership in a local church. The priest sits them all down and explains to them that
in order to be accepted into the church, they must first abstain from sex for two
weeks. With that, he sends them on their way and tells them to report back to him in
two weeks.
The elderly couple comes back at the end of the two weeks and the priest says,
"Well? How did you do?"
"We did just fine father," says the elderly man. "We don't have sex but once a year,
so we didn't even notice."
"Well, in that case, welcome to our church," the priest says.
Next, the middle-aged couple comes in and the priest asks the same question, "How
did you do?"
The husband replies, "The first week was a breeze, but the second week was tough.
I had to sleep on the couch a few nights, but we made it."
"Congratulations!" says the priest. "You are welcome into our church."
Now, the newlywed couple comes in looking guilty as sin. "So, did you make it?" asks
the priest.
"No, we blew it big-time," says the new bride.
"What happened?" asks the priest.
The husband explains, "Well, the first few days were really difficult. Then, my wife
was reaching up on a high shelf for a can of corn and she was looking great."
"She dropped the corn and bent over to pick it up and I couldn't control myself. I just
took her right there."
"Oh my!" exclaimed the priest. "You realize that you will not be welcome into this
"Yes father, but that's okay. I don't think we'll be welcome in that supermarket again,

Aching Soul
A woman notices that every winter she gets sore parts. Decides not to do anything
about it as it is obviously one of those 'womens things'. Finally she can't stand it any
longer and makes a trip to her doctor. After some consultation the dr suggests she
hop up on the bed for wee look.
Woman: "could you give me a hand, as you can see I am quite short, and so need
some help getting up on said bed"
Doctor drags over stool and helps her up.
Doctor: Aah, hmph, I see
Doctor grabs sharp scissors and the sound of cutting is heard
Doctor: "there, hop up and walk around, see how that feels"
Woman jumps off bed and has a walk around the surgery
"Oh doctor thats much better, I can't believe its such an improvement, but what on
earth did you do?"
Doctor "Cut two inches off the top of your gumboots!"

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Light Breakfast
It had been an all night flight with and the crew were switching on the cabin lights for
breakfast. "Who switched on those fucking lights? said a male passenger who had
been a constant nuisance during the flight.
The hostess was tired and grumpy.
"These are the breakfast lights sir" she said. "The fucking lights are much dimmer
and you slept through them."

Painist Envy
This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town... "Where's the god dam, mother
fucking Manager you cock sucking, dingo-titted, arse wipe?" he politely inquires to
one of the waiters. The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me sir
but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the
manager as soon as I can". "I want to see the cunt, and I want to see the cunt now!",
replies the man, staring wildly at the waiter.
The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the fucking tossy manager of
this twat-hole joint?". "Yes sir, I am", replies the manager, "but I would prefer it if you
could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private and exclusive
restaurant". "Fuck off, quim-face ", replies the bloke "and where's the fucking piano?"
"Pardon ?" says the manager. "Fucking deaf as well, are you? You little piece of
snivelling shit, show us your pissing piano or I'll fucking twat you." "Ahhhh !" replies
the manager, "you've come about the pianist job" and shows the bloke to the piano.
"Can you play any blues?".
"Of course I can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most melancholy blues that the
manager has ever heard.
"That's superb. What's it called?"
"I want to fuck your wife on the sofa, but the springs keep sticking in me knob,"
replies the bloke. The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any
The bloke proceeds, playing the most rhythmically complex jazz solo the manager
has ever heard. "Magnificent !" cries the manager "What's it called?" "I tried to wank
over the washing' machine but me balls got caught in the soap drawer".
The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads, The
bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody that brings a tear to his eye and a
lump into his throat. "That's beautiful, what's that called ?" asks the manager.
"As I fuck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece"
replies the bloke.
The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language, but his music is so good he
offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to
any of the customers.
This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night the bloke is
playing his piano and sitting opposite him is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever
laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see-through dress, her tits are falling out
the top of her tight lace bra, and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is showing
clearly through the tight material over her gorgeous arse.
She is sitting there with her legs slightly open sucking suggestively on asparagus
shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin! It's too much for the pianist and he
stops playing and runs off to the bogs to 'wrestle with his bald headed champ'.
He's pulling away furiously when he hears the managers voice: "Where's that bloody
pianist gone?". He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the
piano, sits down and starts playing some more tunes.

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The blonde gets up off her bar-stool and walks seductively over to the piano, leans
over in front of him and whispers in his ear, "Do you know your knob and bollocks are
hanging out your trousers and dripping cum onto your shoes?".
The bloke replies "Know it? I fucking wrote it!".

Pierre et Marie
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out or a pleasant little
picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"
Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing.
When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all
over her breasts.
"Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"
Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He
then strikes a match and lights it on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms
upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK
Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I go
down, I go down in flames!"

Toilet Humour
A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat.
After he finished, he headed to the kitchen to raid the refrigerator. The wife comes
home sooner than expected, and heads to the bathroom, sits down and gets the
toilet seat stuck to her rear. She becomes upset and in a panic shouts to her
husband to drive her to the doctor.
She puts on a large overcoat to cover the stuck seat, and off they go. When they get
to the doctor's office, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man
asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes." the doctor replied. "But never framed."

Fleeced Poms
At one time, economic conditions caused the closing of several small clothing mills in
the English countryside. A man from West Germany bought the buildings and
converted them into dog kennels for the convenience of German tourists who liked to
have their pets with them while vacationing in England.
One summer evening, a local resident called to his wife to come out of the house.
"Just listen!", he urged. "The mills are alive with the hounds of Munich!"

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Hear about
The careless canary that did it for a lark?
The traffic statistics which show that 90% of all people are caused by accidents?
The high-salaried movie producer that was always trying to make a little extra?
The farmer who couldn't keep his hands off his wife so he fired them?
The modern Cinderella who turns into a motel every night at midnight ?
The two angels that got kicked out of heaven for trying to make a prophet?
The two peanuts that took a walk in the woods and one was assaulted?
The recent survey on cigarettes that found that 90% of the men who tried Camels still
prefer women?
The shotgun marriage? It was a case of wife or death?

Telling evidence
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers.
However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll
never know for whom the Tells bowled.

Waiting room
A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little

Lion tamer
A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live
forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran
out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions
asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.
Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions
for immortal porpoises.

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the
assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a
sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his
doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like
these, who needs enemas?"

Bad Pointer
Back in the 1800's the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce
other products and, since they already made the cases for pocketwatches, decided to
market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their
watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended
up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the
expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

Stole Stool Seat

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A
spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

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Wounded knee
An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man.After a
brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it
to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather
every day.
After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The
chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing
from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who
apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

Square law
There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin. One slept on an elk skin
and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.
All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept
on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.
This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the
squaws of the other two hides.


The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some
research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one
from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.
The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were
amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and
produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk
supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However,
whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what
approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not
succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what
to do. They told the rabbi what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our
cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When
he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she
just walks away to the other side."
The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from
Minsk?" The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they
had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise rabbi," they said. "How did you know we
got the cow from Minsk?
The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

One for the rodent

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to
impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the
second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off

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with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty
times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each
glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat
poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to
my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse
lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this. I've got to go
home and fuck the cat."

Two friends, a blonde and a brunette, are walking down the street and pass a flower
shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and
says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again...for no reason." The
blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting
The brunette says, "Oh sure... but he always has expectations after getting me
flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my
legs in the air."
The blonde says, ....."Don't you have a vase?"

Sad driver
A man was driving along the highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of
the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in
front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal
lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the
rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful that he
began to cry.
A blonde woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the
road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was
wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car
trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and
sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life,
jumped up, waved its paw at the two people and hopped down the road. Ten feet
away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two people again, hopped
down the road another 10 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 10 feet, turned
and waved and repeated this again and again until it was out of sight.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the
woman's spray can!
He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did
you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could
read the label. It said:
"Hair Spray - Restores Life to Dead Hair. Adds Permanent Wave."

Severe Ribbing
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human
Little Tommy, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they
told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said,
"Tommy, what is the matter?"

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Little Tommy responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Cant score
A man had tickets for the Rugby World Cup Final. As he sits down, a man comes
down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No", he says,"The seat is empty."
This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this
for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"
He says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my
wife, but she passed away. This is the first Rugby Final we haven't been to together
since we got married in 1987".
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a
friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?".
The man shakes his head."No. They're all at the funeral."

Dessert island
A man and his wife had been stranded on a deserted island for many years. The
morning following a bad storm, a new guy washes up on the shore. The new guy and
the wife are VERY attracted to each other right away, but they realise that certain
protocols will have to be observed.
The husband, oblivious to the pheremones floating around, is very glad to see the
second man there. "This is wonderful! Now we'll be able to have three people doing
8-hour shifts in the watchtower instead of two people doing 12-hour shifts."
The new man is only too happy to help, and in fact volunteers to do the first shift.
He climbs up the tall tower and stands watch, scanning the ocean horizon for any
ships. Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle in order to make a
fire to cook supper. The new man yells down: "Hey, no screwing!" They look at each
other and yell back: "We're not screwing!"
A few minutes later, they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the new
man yells down: "Heeey, no screwing!" Again they yell back, "We're not
Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of the shack to patch leaks. Once
again the new man yells down from high above: "Hey, I said no screwing!!" They yell
back, "And we said we're not screwing!!"
Finally, the shift is over and the new man climbs down from the tower and the
husband starts to climb up. By the time he gets halfway up, his wife and the new man
are already screwing their brains out. Once at the top, the husband turns around and
looks down and says to himself: "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like
they're screwing."

Well Trained
A Frenchman, a New Zealander and Elle McPherson are sitting in a train carriage
together. The train goes into a tunnel and there is complete darkness.
Suddenly there is a kissing sound then the sound of a really hard slap.
When the train comes out the tunnel, the New Zealander and Elle are sitting as if
nothing happened and the Frenchman is holding the side of his face.
The Frenchman thinks "the New Zealander must have tried to kiss Elle and she
missed him and slapped me by mistake".

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Elle thinks to herself, "the Frenchman must have tried to kiss me but accidentally
kissed the New Zealander and got slapped for it".
And the New Zealander is thinking "Brilliant! Next tunnel I'll make another kissing
noise and slap that French bastard again."

Suitable size
A biker went to Auckland and thought he would buy a new "suits" outfit.
He went into Hugh Wrights and, when asked by a sweet young woman
if she could help him, he answered, "yeh, wretch, sell me a SUIT."
Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Yes sir. What size?"
"Size 53 tall, tart."
"Wow, that's really big."
"yeh course, see the Ducati outside."
"What's next?" she asked.
He replied, "How about some boots?"
"What size?"
"Size 15 double D."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"yeh course, see the Ducati outside."
"What's next?"
"One of them white button things, err.. a shirt."
"Yes sir. What size?"
"Nineteen and a half neck, size 40," he replied.
"Wow, that's really big!" "yeh course, see the Ducati outside."
She virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for you?"
"Nope wretch that will be all."
As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill, and as the biker counted out his money,
she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you a question?"
"Sure wretch, I already know what it is. And the answer is four inches."
Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"
Without so much as a stutter, the biker replied, "From the floor, wretch?"

Hong Gong
There was a young man from Hong Kong,
Who had a trifurcated prong,
A small one for sucking,
A large one for fucking,
And a *honey* for beating a gong.

There was a young fellow named Fyfe,
Who married the pride of his life,

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But imagine the pain,

When he struggled in vain,
And just couldn't get into his wife.

High & Mighty

Said a pretty young lady from Croft,
Whilst amusing herself in the loft,
"Salami or wurst,
Is what I choose first,
But with baloney I know I've been boffed."

Hard luck
There was a young fellow named Simon,
Who tried to discover a hymen,
But he found every girl,
Had relinquished her pearl,
In exchange for a solitaire diamond.

There was a young girl from Peru,
Who had nothing whatever to do,
So she sat on the stairs,
And counted cunt hairs;
Four thousand, three hundred and two!

Bi lady
There was a young lady of Natchez,
Who chanced to be born with two snatches,
And she often said, "Shit!
Why, I'd give either tit,
For a man with equipment that matches."

Bach to front
There was a young fellow named Locke,
Who was born with a two-headed cock,
When he'd fondle the thing,
It would rise up and sing
An antiphonal chorus by Bach.

Sing sing
But whether these two ever met,

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Has not been recorded as yet,

Still, it would be diverting,
To see him inserting
His wang while it sang a duet.

Cop that
There is an old biker joke about a guy who had a magic spell on him, every time he
heard a dirty word his boner grew an
inch, which lasted for a half hour. He was in bed boning some sweety, and she was
swearing progressively as her
appetite grew, when there was a knock on the door, and she called out 'who is it'.
The knocker gave was the firm
reply 'POLICE', at which point the biker pole vaulted out the window.

Q: How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
A: She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

Q: Why don't roosters have hands?

A: Chickens don't have tits.

Q: What do you get when you have a group of women with PMS and yeast
A: A whine and cheese convention.

Q: Why do fundamentalists oppose abortion?

A: They empathize with those on their mental level.

Q: What's the difference between the Pope and your boss?

A: The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

Q: Why do fundamentalists oppose abortion?

A: More young flesh to fuck.

Q: Why do men get married?

A: So they don't have to hold their stomachs in anymore.

Q: Why do fundamentalists oppose abortion?

A: It might be one of theirs.

Q: Why won't cannibals eat divorced women?

A: They're very bitter.

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Q: What did the (native American) Indian say when the cowboy tied his penis in a
A: "How come?"

Q: What do you get when you breed a cat with a rabbit?

A: A pussy hare.

Q: What the most worthless thing on a women's body?

A: A white guy about 56-years-old.

Q: What's the best thing about showering with a 13 year old girl?
A: If you slick her hair back, she looks 10.

Q: How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A: One of his fingers is clean.

During an international gynaecology conference, an English doctor and a French
doctor were discussing unusual cases they had treated recently.
"Only last week" the Frenchman said "a woman came to see me with a clitoris like a
"Don't be absurd" the Brit exclaimed. "It couldn't have been that big My God, man,
she wouldn't have been able to walk if it were."
"Aah, you English, always thinking about size" replied the Frenchman. "I was talking
about the flavor!"
todays a bit chilly, hence an extra helping of smile bait.

A guy just got out of prison and he's broke. Runs into a Streetwalker. "Hey honey I've
only got $10, but I'm really desperate". Girl says "$10? The only thing I can give you
for that is the "Penguin". Guy says, "Hey, I'll take anything!"
She takes him into the alley, takes the $10, pulls his pants down around his ankles
and turns and leaves.
The guy says "Wait!! Come back!!" and waddles off after her.

Doris & Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash
by advertising for a lodger.
After a few days an attractive young woman applied for the room and explained that
she was a model working in a nearby studio and that she would like the room for
Mondays to Thursdays but would pay for the whole week.
Doris showed her the house and they agree to start straight away.
"There's just one problem" explains the model. "Because of my job I have to bathe
every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."

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"That's no problem" replies Doris "we have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it in
to the living room, in front of the fire, and fill it with hot water."
"What about you're husband?" asks the model.
"Oh he plays darts most weekdays - so he will be out in the evenings."
"Good" says the model " that being settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."
That evening Fred dutifully goes to his darts match whilst Doris prepares the bath for
the model. After stripping off the model steps into the bath and Doris is amazed to
see that she has no pubic hair.
The model notices Doris's staring eyes, smiles and explains that it is part of her job to
shave her pussy especially when modelling swimwear or underclothes.
Later when Fred returns, Doris relates this oddity,but he does not believe her.
"It's true I tell you" says Doris "look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave
the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."
The next night Fred leaves as usual and Doris prepares the bath for the model. As
the model steps naked into the bath
Doris, standing behind her, looks towards the curtains, and points towards the
model's naked pussy. Then she lifts up her skirt and wearing no panties, points to her
own hairy mass.
Later Fred returns and they retire to bed.
"Well do you believe me now?" she asks Fred.
“Yes" he replies "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your
skirt and show your hairy twat?"
"Just to show you the difference" answers Doris "but anyway you've seen my pussy
millions of times?"
"Yes" says Fred, "I have...but the rest of the fucking darts team hasn't."

Dogged war
The Americans and Russians, at the height of the arms race, realized that if they
continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day
they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would
have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog
won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down
its arms.
The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the
world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only
the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all
the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the
biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were
five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange
animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans
because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds
with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of
it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled
and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund.
But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened
it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of
the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in
disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best
people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in
the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.

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MirthTome 9/10/2010

"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for
five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.

Rolls Beater
An MG pulled alongside a Rolls-Royce at the traffic lights. "Do you have a car
phone?" its driver asked the man in the Rolls.
"Of course I do," was the haughty reply.
"Do you have a fax machine?"
The Rolls driver sighed. "I have that too."
"Do you have a double bed in the back?" the MG driver wanted to know. Ashen-
faced, the Rolls driver sped off.
That afternoon, he had a mechanic install a double bed in his car.
A week later, the Rolls driver passed the same MG, parked on the side of the road
with its back windows fogged up and steam pouring out. The arrogant driver pulled
over, got out of the Rolls and banged on the Mg's rear window. "I want you to know
that I've had a double bed installed," bragged the Rolls driver.
The MG driver rolled his window down and frowned at the Rolls driver. "You got me
out of the shower to tell me that?"

Hockey wisdom
Q: What's the difference between a hockey game and a class reunion?
A: At the hockey game, you see Fast Pucks.

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