RAMON "The Pilot"

1st Draft of the script 5/29/17

1st Revision 2/16/18

COLD OPEN

EXT. BACK OF THE VAN - AFTERNOON

RAMON, on the floor of the van, is fast asleep until he

hears his phone ring and answers it.

RAMON
Hello?

BOSS
Mon, what happened on your route to
St. Charles Street? The Andersen's
were supposed to get their package
four hours ago.

Ramon looks to an empty edible arrangement basket.

INT. BACK OF THE VAN - MORNING

Ramon is opening the basket and eating chocolate

strawberries and fruit. He's reading a card while eating a
cantaloupe shish kabob. The card is shown to say "Get better
soon Grandma." And then cuts to Mon passed out.

INT. BACK OF THE VAN - AFTERNOON CONTINUOUS

RAMON
I dunno I lost the basket.

BOSS
God damn it Ramon, again? What the
hell do you mean you lost the
basket? This is just the first stop
of the day. How can you possible
fuck up a simple delivery? You know
what? YOU KNOW WHAT? It's over,
you're done. I-I-I don't know what
do to do with you. You lose the
baskets. You fall asleep on the
job. I've had it.

RAMON
Wait no...

BOSS
You're fired. Goodbye. *Click*

The phone goes straight to a dial tone. Ramon puts his phone
away and looks at the cloth that is covering a huge bulk.
Ramoon uncovers the bulk and we see a whole arrangement of
gift baskets.

RAMON
(grins) That's nice.

END OF COLD OPEN

ACT ONE

INT. RAMON'S HOME

The Rivera family are eating the left over Edible

Arrangement basket in the kitchen.

TERESA
What do you mean you lost another
job? Mon, how are we going to pay
for the house Mon?

PAOLO
How are you going to pay for my
school?

PIA
You said you can get me a new
sketch pad.

TERESA
See this is what happens every time
Mon. I set you up with a job and
then it's up to you to fuck it up.
I have three jobs right now and you
can't hold on to a single one.

PAOLO
Dad I even got a job at Trader
Jose.

RAMON
Oh that's nice are they hiring?

TERESA
That's not the point Mon! See
everyone in this family can keep a
job except you. Now, I want you to
go to the unemployment office and
file for unemployment because I
don't want you to be laying around
the house, taking naps while your
family is out supporting you
financially.

RAMON
Okay (stutters) I-I-I'll go next
Tuesday.

TERESA
 No Mon! Tomorrow! I want you to go
tomorrow! Paolo take your father to
the unemployment office before
school.

PAOLO
Wait Ma, why do I have to drive
him? Why can't he just take the
bus?

TERESA
Your father can't take the bus
remember? He fell asleep on the bus
bench and a prostitute thought he
was dying and tried to resuscitate
him her STD infested mouth and now
your father has herpes!

RAMON
(shivers)
Ohhh...

TERESA
See he's too traumatized he can't
even look at public transportation.
So tomorrow Paolo, I want you to
make sure he goes into that
unemployment office and don't leave
until you make sure your father
files for unemployment. You got
that?

PAOLO
Pfft... Yes ma.

TERESA
Okay, everyone finish their baskets
and go to bed.

Teresa gets up and throws her basket in the trash. Pia bites
into her cantelope and sees a false tooth.

PIA
Eww! Someone left a tooth in my
cantelope!

RAMON
Sorry that's mine.

PAOLO
Dad you don't have a false tooth.

RAMON
I know, finder's keepers.

PAOLO
Yeah sure Dad...(aside) what a
fucking weirdo...
INT. PAOLO'S CAR - MORNING

Paolo is driving the car while Ramon is in the passenger

seat staring out the window with a blank stare and slowly
smells his fingers.

PAOLO
Dad...I'm gonna..

Paolo turns his head and sees Ramon casually smelling his
fingers. Ramon realizes that Paolo is staring and hides his
fingers in his lap.

PAOLO
I'm just going to drop you off at
the unemployment office because I
have to go to school. So, you're
going to promise me that you're not
gonna wander off somewhere because
Mom will kill me.

RAMON
Okay, I promise not to get lost
this time too like that time at the
Costco. One moment you're tasting
delicious free samples and the next
you're asking the front desk to
call out Teresa's name. I saw my
life flash before my eyes.

PAOLO
(whispers to himself)
I swear, this is worse than
watching a special needs kid.

EXT. UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE - MORNING

The car pulls into the front of the unemployment office and
Ramon unbuckles his seat belt and proceeds to get out.

PAOLO
Remember meet me here at 11:00
sharp. I'll pick you up while I
have lunch. Remember here. 11:00.
The place where I just literally
dropped you off. Do you understand?

Ramon holds up an okay sign with his finger and thumb. Sees
this sign and begins to suck on his finger and thumb while
in the okay sign position.

PAOLO
Okay...close enough.

Paolo starts up his car engine and drives away. Ramon

notices that the line to the unemployment office extends
outside the door and onto the street.

RAMON
 (sighs)

Ramon makes his way to the back of the line. Time passes by
the line getting shorter and shorter. Ramon is about to get
close to the door when he sees Gil come with his mail truck.
The truck is making all weird noises and comes to a stop

GIL
No. No. No. No. No! Not today
please I still have another
neighborhood to deliver to.
Goddammit what can be wrong this
time?

Gil get's out of his car and checks the hood.

GIL
The hood looks okay. So what's
wrong with the car? What's wrong
with the car? What's wrong with
ME!?! I was doctor back in the
Philippines and now I'm a fucking
mail man. I mean like what the
actual fuck?

Gil breaks down and starts causing a scene by throwing

people's mail on the street as cars pass by him.

GIL
You're a complete failure Gil. You
can't have a decent job. You can't
please your wife in and. And to top
it off your daughter's a lesbian.
I'm fine lesbians but not my own
fucking daughter.

Gil pauses trowing letters on the street and stares at a

crowd and Ramon staring at him. Some with their iPhones
taking videos of his meltdown.

GIL
I quit if anyone wants to take this
shitty job be my guest.

Gil runs off down the street stripping his mail man uniform
until he takes his mail shorts off and only bares his
underwear. Everyone is breaking from the crowd until we see
Ramon staring at the mail car with a sparkle in his eyes.

INT. PAOLO'S CAR

Paolo is listening to his Shawn Mendes CD in the car and

taps his fingers on the steering wheel. He Makes a right
turn and is shown there is no one is at the spot Ramon was
suppose to be in.

PAOLO
Oh shit.
Paolo goes up to curb.

PAOLO
Oh fuck, where the hell is he?

INT. MAIL TRUCK

Ramon is at the driver's seat and is going a good 15 MPH in

a 30 MPH zone. Cars are passing him and honking at the mail
truck. Ramon turns into the parking lot of the local post
office. Ramon parks and walks into the building.

INT. POST OFFICE

Ramon passes the line of unhappy customers at the post

office and goes to the front desk.

KANDACE
Excuse me sir. I don't' know if you
noticed but you just cut in front
of these customers who have been
waiting-

RAMON
I found your car.

KANDACE
You found MY car?

RAMON
No I found the mail car. Angry mail
man left it on the street and I'm
here to return for you.

Mail Woman reaches for the phone.

KANDACE
Andy, can you come to front? I have
a situation you need to look at.

INT. POST OFFICE - BACKROOM

ANDY
So what you're telling me..Sorry
what's you name?

RAMON
Ra-Ramon, miss.

ANDY
So what you're telling me, Ramon.
One of our mail men started
throwing mail onto the street and
after he stripped naked and
abandoned the car.

RAMON
Yes, I bring the car back but sorry
I could not get uniform.
 KANDACE
Andy, let's agree Gil was an
asshole. I worked with the guy. He
kept yapping about how he was a
doctor in the Philippines and how
he's not worth dealing with mail.
Stupid mother fucker can't even
work the forklift here. If he
doesn't want to work, good
riddance.

ANDY
But Kandace, if Gil's not working
his route, how are we gonna replace
him.

RAMON
I know how to drive good.

ANDY
Really? You have a driver's
license? Are you even a citizen of
this country? Whatever it doesn't
matter... I'm desperate Mr. Ramon
and would be happy to have you on
the team.

KANDACE
When does he start?

ANDY
He starts immediately! We still
need someone to finish Gil's run
and we have just the guy to do it.
So what do you say Ramon, how you
would you like work for THE UNITED
STATES POSTAL SERVICE?

RAMON
The United States Postal
Service....

EXT. SUBURBS - RAMON'S MAIL ROUTE

A montage plays of the Ramon in a mail man uniform, he's

deviling mail to mailboxes. He's opening people's mail and
laughing at what he's reading. The final frame is Ramon
leaning at the edge of a moving mail man van.

RAMON
Wee!!!!!

INT. POST OFFICE - BACKROOM CONTINUOUS

Ramon is staring off into space.

ANDY
Mr. Ramon! So do we have a deal?
 RAMON
What?

ANDY
Do you want to work as a mail man?

RAMON
Oh, yes. That's a nice job.

ANDY
Splendid. There's an extra uniform
in the locker room over there. Put
it on and finish Gil's route for
today.

RAMON
Thank you. Thank you for this nice
job.

ANDY
Uh huh. No problem. You better get
on going before the afternoon is
over.

Ramon nods his head and walks out to the locker room.

KANDACE
Are you sure you want to hire this
guy? You just met him and seems
like he should be in some special
needs program to train them to be
Wall Mart greeters.

ANDY
Yeah I get that vibe from him too.
But he's the only one we've got to
repalce Gil. Hey, at least he knew
to bring the van back to the post
office. So at we can say he's at
least Forest Gump retarded.

A post office worker runs into the room.

POST OFFICE WORKER

Andy, I've got Gil's wife on the
phone. She's asking why Gil's in
the middle of Hanson Blvd. jerking
off next to a Jersey Mike's.

Andy and Kandace look at each other.

ANDY AND KANDACE

(mouthing)
What the fuck?

INT. PAOLO'S CAR

Paolo is in the car with Pia in the back seat drawing what
appears to be a tree. His phone rings and shows Teresa is
calling

PAOLO
Oh shit.

Paolo taps accept.

PAOLO
Hey ma, what's up?

TERESA (V.O.)
Paolo did you pick up your father
from the unemployment office?

PAOLO
He left the office. I don't know
where he is. I'm trying to look for
him now.

TERESA (V.O.)
Jesus, look for him Paolo. You know
your father never picks up his
phone. He needs to be back home
before dinner, you got that?

PAOLO
Yes ma, of course I'm doing my best
to look for him.

TERESA (V.O.)
Okay because he was your
responsibility to look after him.

PAOLO
Look after him? He's my father ma,
he's the one who should be taking
care of me.

TERESA (V.O.)
God, I feel like I'm raising three
kids in this family. Just do what I
say Paolo, I have to get to my next
job. If you can't find him before
dinner, don't even bother showing
up. Bye.

The phone goes straight to dial tone.

PAOLO
Uh Cunt.

PIA
Hey Pao! Is daddy in trouble?

PAOLO
At the moment, yes. Keep an eye out
for him will you?
 PIA
Okay I will.

Pia looks out the window to see if Ramon is on the street.

PIA
Hey Pao, why are you guys mad at
daddy?

PAOLO
What do you mean?

PIA
Well everyone seems to be so mad at
daddy but he can't help it. He's
missing a chromosome right? So
mentally challenged.

PAOLO
Pia, do you actually believe in
that shit? Mom and all our
relatives told us that when we were
young but I buy that crap at all. I
mean look at him! He can work at
jobs perfectly but he's just a lazy
prick who sleeps on the job.

PIA
Pao! Don't say that!

PAOLO
What difference does it make? Here
I am trying to go to college. Mom's
working three jobs. I'm taking
extra shifts at the Trader Joe's
and that's still not gonna be
enough to enter NOVA. Let's face it
Pia, our dad's a loser and you'll
be a loser if you stop drawing and
find a real job.

PIA
I drew a tree!

PAOLO
No one gives a shit about your
goddamn trees Pia! You know, you
should help out the family for once
instead of eating god damn
Cheez-Its in the god damn basement.
I know it's you because you're the
only one in the family with orange
finger nails. God! I swear Dad's
stupidity has rubbed on you
somehow.

Paolo pulls into the driveway.

EXT. OUTSIDE RAMON'S HOUSE - AFTERNOON

Paolo and Pia walk to the front door.

PAOLO
Okay, I have to go to get my phone
charger in the room and then we'll
go out to find--

Ramon meets them at the door with full mail man uniform with
tight shorts.

RAMON
Hey guys, I'm a mail person now!

PAOLO PIA
Fuck! Yes!

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

INT. RAMON'S HOME - AFTERNOON

Ramon, Pia and Paolo are gathered in the living room.

PAOLO
So wait, after I dropped you off
you stole someones mail man van and
then you went to the post office
and they gave you a job.

RAMON
Yes. It's a nice job.

PAOLO
I can't have you be a mail man! A
janitor sure because no one pays
attention to them anyway. But
everyone in school will know
because you're going to their door.
They'll make fun of me because of
you.

PIA
I'm fine with you being a post man
daddy!

PAOLO
Shut up Pia! That's because you
don't have friends!

TERESA
What's all this noise?
Teresa hangs her jacket.

TERESA
And Mon what kind of girl scout
uniform are you wearing?

RAMON
I deliver mail now.

TERESA
Really? Because I entrusted a
certain someone to make sure you
would file for unemployment

Teresa glares at Paolo.

PAOLO
Mom, it's not my fault. I didn't
know he was going to do this.

RAMON
I work today. I deliver all the
letters and coupons to everyone.

TERESA
And you didn't get fired?

RAMON
Nope, not even close.

TERESA
Well...even if we don't have the
unemployment benefits. I suppose
this is a start. I just hope it
would last.

RAMON
I'll make sure I work hard.
Everyday. This guy isn't going to
take a single day off at work.

PAOLO
Mail doesn't come on Sunday you
idiot.

Teresa smacks Paolo at the back of the head.

PAOLO
Ow!

TERESA
Paolo! You should be greatful your
father got a stable job. We should
all be hopefull that this will
work. For all of us.

Teresa looks at Ramon seductively. Ramon is confused what of

the situation.
 TERESA
Alright kids go to bed.

PIA
But it's six.

TERESA
Okay Pia you can go to bed at 7
princess. Paolo go straight to bed
and no playing with your penis
tonight.

PAOLO
Mom!

TERESA
Hey I scrape your jizz stains on
your underwear ass face and your
lotion consumption is ridiculous.
I'm not made of money here you
know.

PAOLO
I don't know what you're talking
about!

TERESA
I swear, I should be charging those
kids a dollar per lotion squirt.

Teresa put her hands across Ramon.

TERESA
And as for you...we have to
celebrate for your new job. And I
know just the thing.

RAMON
Pork rinds?

TERESA
Follow me up stairs and I'll show
you.

Teresa leads Ramon up the stairs to their bedroom

INT. RAMON'S HOUSE - RAMON'S ROOM - NIGHT

Seductive music plays in the background. Ramon removes his

shirt and reveals a hairy chest. Teresa removes her blouse
and reveals a similar hairy chest.

TERESA
Oh Ramon! Oh Ramon.

Pans outside the bedroom to the hallway.

RAMON
It's nice.
 TERESA
Oh fuck Mon!

RAMON
Nice.

INT. RAMON'S HOME - PAOLO AND PIA'S ROOM - NIGHT

Paolo is in bed trying to cover his ears with a pillow.

TERESA
Oh! Ride me like you're riding a
goat!

RAMON
(goat noise)
Mehhh!

Paolo looks to Pia. Pia is fast asleep snoring.

PAOLO
I need to get out of this goddamn
house.

He stares into a poster that says "Virginia Tech."

PAOLO
Someday.

INT. RAMON'S HOME - RAMON'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

Ramon is sweating and simulating thrusting.

RAMON
Oh....

Teresa is already asleep.

TERESA
(snoring)

RAMON
I'm gonna finish, it's going to be
nice....OHHHHHHHHHHH!

Teresa snores even louder. Ramon rolls over.

RAMON
Hmm. I'm still not sleepy.

Ramon walks over to his closet where there is only one safe.
Ramon turns the safe knob and opens the door to reveal one
bag of Pork skins.

INT. RAMON'S HOME - LIVING ROOM

Ramon goes down the stairs, sits on the couch and turns on
the TV.

TV ANNOUNCER #1
Warning! This video contains
explicit material not suitible for
children.

RAMON
Oooh!

TV ANNOUNCER #1
If you think Girls Gone Wild was
wild before, just wait till you see
what these girls do when Snoop Dogg
is unleashed and takes control of
the camera.

Ramon reaches for the lotion bottle stashed under the couch.

TV ANNOUNCER #1
It's not sold in stores and can't
be shown on TV so call now and get
all new Girls Gone Wild: Doggy
Style! Hosted by Snoop Dogg. Yours
on video or DVD for just $9.99.

Ramon tries to dispense lotion and realizes it's empty.

TV ANNOUNCER #1
It's the hottest Girls Gone Wild
video ever! Use your credit card
and you'll also get the all new
Girls Gone Wild Ultimate Spring
break absolutely free.

RAMON
Oh no!

Ramon rushes to find a full lotion bottle, trying to squirt

bottles and then throwing them away because their empty.

TV ANNOUNCER #1
You won't believe the uncensored
insanity, as our camera crews catch
real college girls gone wild at the
beach...in the clubs...even the hot
action back in their hotel rooms.
It's the most blazing Girls Gone
Wild Spring break video yet.

Ramon has seven empty bottles across the couch. He squirts

the eighth one and just a little sample of lotion comes out.

RAMON
Yes! Come on Ramon let's do this.

TV ANNOUNCER #1
Call now 1-800-624-8877. Recieve
more action now at
 girlsgonewild.com.

TV ANNOUNCER #2
I want to be there for my kids but
my vagina itches everywhere I go.

RAMON
No. No. Shoot. Well...I guess I
have to wait until that commercial
comes back.

Time goes by quickly while Ramon eats pork rinds one after
the other. More empty pork rind bags show up as time
progresses.

TV ANNOUNER #2
That's why I take "Vagasil To-Go"
so I don't have to.

Fades out.

TV ANNOUNCER #1
Warning! This video contains
explicit material not suitable for
children.

RAMON
Oh yes here it is.

Ramon squeezes the lotion bottle so about a ball of lotion

depresses in his hand.

TV ANNOUNCER #1
If you think Girls Gone Wild was
wild before, just wait till you see
what these girls do when Snoop Dogg
is unleashed--

TERESA
Mon what the hell are you doing!

RAMON
Wha--

Teresa opens the blinds and sunlight protrudes through the

window.

TERESA
Mon, it's almost 11 am. You were
suppose to be at work two hours
ago! What were you doing all night?

RAMON
I was just--You know...and pork
rinds.

TERESA
Damnit Mon. I-I don't want to hear
it. Just go out and do your fucking
 job.

Ramon penguin walks to the door and tries to pull his pants.

TERESA
Christ. Why do I even...

Cut to Snoop Dogg in the comercial.

SNOOP DOGG
These college bitches are going to
get a taste of the signature "doggy
style."

TERESA
Ew.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - MORNING

Paolo and Pia are walking down a crowded hallway.

PAOLO
How could you have slept last
night? Didn't you hear the goat
noises from the other bedroom?

PIA
I don't know what you're talking
about Pao.

MADELYN
Hey asshole!

Paolo turns to see Madelyn with her arm around Sarah.

MADEYLN
Sarah, this is the son of the
asshole I was talking about that
stole my dad's job.

PAOLO
He didn't steal his job. Your dad
basically wnt crazy and abandoned
his car on the side of the road. My
dad somehow found the van and
returned it to the post office.

MADEYLN
So he basically stole my dad's job.

PAOLO
I don't know. I don't keep track of
what my dad does. He does a lot of
gay shit I don't know.

SARAH
Wait, what do you mean by gay?

MADELYN
 Yeah what do you mean gay? Are
using gay for another word as
stupid?

PAOLO
What! No, I don't mean it like
that. I know you guys are doing
your lesbian thing.

SARAH
Lesbian thing? I'll have you know
that me and Madelyn are in love
with each other.

Sarah and Madelyn start making out with each other sloppily
and lick each other's faces.

MADELYN
That's what love looks like and I'm
not going stand around here and let
this bigot like you get away with
this.

Madelyn turns around and adresses the students walking by.

MADELYN
Hey everyone Paolo Rivera's family
are a bunch of anti-gay Trump
supporters that put good honest men
like my father out of work. Let's
show we don't tolerate this kind of
hate at are school! Boo! Get out of
our school!

STUDENTS (ALL)
Boo! Get out of our school, bigot!

PIA
Boo! You suck!

Paolo pinches the bridge of his nose.

PAOLO
Shit. I hope what you're doing is
worth it Dad.

EXT. SUBURBS - RAMON'S MAIL ROUTE

Ramon drives up to mailbox and puts letters and coupon

pamphlet inside. Ramon rubs his eyes.

RAMON
(Yawn)
I have to stay awake. This is a
nice job and I need to do this for
my family.

Ramon drives to the next mailbox.

 RAMON
As soon as you finish this last
neighborhood you can sleep.

Ramon makes a U turn and he's back on the main road.

RAMON
Once you finish this route you
can...you
can...(yawn)...girls...gone...wild.
(snores).

The car is still in motion and goes straight to the ramp of

I-95. The car is going slower than the passing cars. Driver
#1 notices Ramon is unconscious.

DRIVER #1
Sir! Sir! Wake up!

Driver #1 honks his horn.

DRIVER #1
Sir this is a highway you have to
wake up to drive!

RAMON
Wha- What? Oh here's your mail

Ramon throws letters into Driver #1's car and blocks the
entire windshield.

DRIVER #1
Oh no, I can't see! Ahhh!

Driver #1 crashes on the side of the road and many cars pile
up and crash behind him. Ramon looks back and then falls
asleep again. Cop lights begin to flash.

COP
Please pull over to the side of the
road.

RAMON
Girls...Snoop Dogg...Yawn...

COP
Again. Sir, please pull over to the
side of the road.

RAMON
Let me just...stop for a little
nap.

Ramon pulls his car to the side of the road. People are
getting out of their wrecked cars in the background.

COP
License and registration please.
 RAMON
Here's my credit card, I want to
get two DVD's. One for me and one
for...Yawn...my son...Yawn.

Ramon blacks out and falls out of his car next to the police
officer.

INT. HOSPITAL BED - DAYTIME

Fade in. Ramon wakes up and sees Teresa, Paolo and Pia
looking over his bed.

TERESA
Oh thank god he's awake. Mon can
you hear us?

RAMON
What happened?

PAOLO
You took the mail van onto the
highway and started throwing mail
at passing cars.

RAMON
I did?

PIA
Yeah! You were all over the news
and you were being chased by the
police. It was so cool!

TERESA
Anyway...

Teresa goes over and sits by Ramon.

TERESA
The important part is that you're
okay. You're safe with your family
and that's all it matters.

RAMON
That's nice to hear and I'm sorry
for everything I've put you guys
through these past few days. I'll
make sure to make up working extra
shifts delivering mail.

PAOLO
Yeah about that. Some guy named
Andy called and he said you were
fired.

RAMON
What?

PAOLO
 Yeah he fired you to the account
that you lost all your mail and the
wrecked the mail van.

TERESA
And there's something worse.

RAMON
What could be worse than this?

TERESA
You're arrested for reckless
driving, that's why you're handcuff
to the bed.

Ramon tries to pull his arm but it is handcuffed to the

handrest.

TERESA
And I looked at our savings and we
can't bail you out so...

RAMON
So what? You're just gonna leave me
in jail?

TERESA
No I called...your brother.

Steve bursts through the door.

STEVE
Sup fuckers? Steve is in the mother
fucking house!

RAMON
Oh shit...

Fade out.

END OF ACT TWO