PrN WU a eed Dai 17 WELL) How? Read this Jo mt zi Hones Ae ANE! D PARODY, presents - Superman and t , Rotten, No Fun, he Siete Really Bad Day DAVE CROATTO Ilustrted by TOM RICHMOND ON SALE 4 Now! I>Do what you love act youll never wor day In your life... because you'll be unemployed! Departments “PRL 2oTe | The MAD Table of Contents ea 2 Wandom Samplings of Reader Mail ‘The Fundalin Pages 11 fifst Ai for the Choking Victim in the Digital Age 42 Senmimenat wines DEPARTMENT "This is Pus" (A MAD TV Satire) 18 Sooners ve Millennials rg 20 tonald Tramps Letter to the Incoming President iene eee 22 1OKE AND oAcoER DEPARTMENT 24 Workers We'd Like to Go a Day Without Spy vs. Spy 25 URINE THE MONEY DerarrMeNT MAD Interviews the Incontinent Banker of the Year 6 The MAD Sports Pages ‘Things You Don't Want to Hear Coming From the Next Bathroom Stall ‘The Life and Times of Jerry the Pound Sign _--&? Gotcha: Mug Shots of Common but Despicable Criminals (AQ) 2810 coteny in vera (AMAD Newspaper Parody) Selected Observations From Random Autapsies 36 PEN AND STING DEPARTMENT 12. SeROE-N aeNeRAL DEPARTMENT eee eas AMAD Look at Justice League ‘a. 10sT Wonk Hens DEPARTIVENT . 38 FEO Future of Job Automation H7 Dewey Derwin Destroys the World! 51 Satire Garages (A MAD Mena Foro) 55 Whitson Sean Hannitys Desk? Brutally Honest Park Bench Plaques Another Ridiculous Fold-In...Insde Back Cover 1320 saacinat THINKING DEPARTMENT 7 “Drawn Out Dramas” by Sergio Aragonés Narious Places Around the Magazine SS Mab (S94 0024931) pblsed ties yey EC, putea rc 200 Aloneds Avene Guba, CA TSO, eos postage pl a Nen ek, UY a at agonal ang ces, ‘sherman 3899 hee Dafne 098, webs oc Cfah «nay 3999 Al 8 oe dene fue, Ere ers SMU nL hn 20 net HR ne Dar ao seme rap ale ol mae tora Sb is eabdence MAD Magrie reflec the sesities end Lnguoge af the tie In wich twas st pubisbel Tas contents Tepted wot alteration Tor Wisrcal face.Letters and = svumsreorme sraeax F\\_ way back in 1962? Talk about the Usual Gang of Idiots «(© 4 ) man even bigger one for reading him this long! a ‘Thomas Bates + Orlando, FL BRAWL IN THE FAMILY My four-year-old son, Carter, and two-year-old daughter, Evan, both love Spy vs. Spy! I also like i, but only because it makes my kids’ 2) =~ Master Bates — Dick fist appeared in MAD #69, but his streak of being in every issue actualy began with MAD #103 in 1966! ‘And we find that infuriating! We were very clear with Dick when he made his debut back in 1962 that it was supposed to fights seem quaint and non-violent by comparison. Keep up the good | pre QNE'TIME THING! Hows he shack by ae ea ! How he snuck by us nearly 450 times ‘work! Maybe “good” isn’ the right word.,.but you know what I mean! ver the last five decades well never know, but we really Darcy Savit + McLean, VA should have been more diligent! Fun fact: there's a streak even LONGER than Dick's! MAD has published a disappointing and inferior issue ever since MAD #1, back in 1952! That streak shows no signs of ending! Ed She's Gotta Savit — We're glad we could help you downplay and rationalize ‘the constant, vicious battling among your toddlers! Just to be safe, though, you may want to Keep any TNT, rocket skates of giant mousetraps out of, ‘their reach! —Ed. We recently got a special visit from The Black Spy! Actually, was eight-year-old Joaquin Mejia, showing off the Spy cos- tume that his dad (MAD artist Hermann Mella) had made for him — suffice to say, we were impressed! Impressed, and also a little concerned that a tiny pereon in @ mask and holding @ stick of dynamite could get by our building security so easily Ae er SCOUT’S DISHONOR Tma fan of your magazine and here 1am writinga letter to youl Tknow, right? Not an email! Kids do know what paper is ('m 13). Well, I'm in the Boy Scouts and for my communications merit badge, Thave to write to a magazine! So, I chase you! So, Ihave to tell you. ry opinion! Well, MAD is great and you have been around since 1952! That's crazy! I say that you should not change a thing, just be yourself and you'll do great! ‘Aidan Schultz, Troop 7012 Vallejo, CA ‘Alden Abet — First of we know you could have written to any magazine, and ‘we appreciate you choosing us! Seriously, we hear Dirt Wheels is positively swamped with letters from Boy Scouts! Thank you for sharing your opinions with us — we disagree that we are great, that we should not change a thi ‘and that we should be ourselves, ut we do agree with you about one thing —MAD has been around since 1952. Hey, here's something we've always wondered — if a Boy Scout hasn't earned a merit badge for sewing, but has @ ‘bunch of merit badges sewn onto his uniform, int he basically admitting he's 2 fraud? Anyhoo, be sure to practice safe sew! Always wear a thimble! —Ed,WEDDED BLITZ {am writing you with great hopes that you willbe co-conspirators Inmy grand and devious scheme to wks woman who cleary Ceo losers tno acne anbesOg OE oven SO dhnmestf peope (uh os my lew MAD reader) that ny eat thd icligen glsend was ether drunk or desperate the day she peed to bens teltonship wit someone ovens your ago Sieglarbsi After any yeas fer tlrating yan, cooking forte and even spendingherhard-eamed mosey buy tea tcbucription to MAD, Te decided vis neta pop the Dy qucon | nc St aa fw MAD rac 9 Har’ hot from Sefer shereazesshecindo mutch better Twegiven treet deal | zane recent to tbe MAD olen, proving ae Ofthought and ‘eauldnthnkof amore appropriate and sap; | ereherdfeings nies Kule mkee enoher neuthorend pointingay to propos to her than through MAD. Your pubewion | Sh annow TReuly the pertet metaphor fr te daappoining snd sebetadaed iteah be subjected, In exchanger your help nts ater, I promis to ubject her toa letme of laud read MAD ates, tom te bandon a at ony Drone contemplating the meaning ff and wondering hoe long wllb before se ewes ne. JANINE, WILL YOU MARRY ME!?! Tony Sedhom «ase Stroudsburg, PA ell Lay Lucy Hildreth has been a (forced) fan of MAD since birth. Her dad, Kyle, even designed her birth announcement to look tke {an issue of MAD (a transgression for which our lawyers raked him over the coals, we assure you). So, given the dark cloud fof MAD hanging over her head since birth, we were pleased to find out that Lucy grew into @ normal, well-adjusted young lady (at least as far 28 MAD readers go). Hare's @ photo from seminary amenmen cit try LOS HAD is ped nes le rut cesses bt Belatacenicmnsiepbeancmsgams 3) FT tne! ee honed ed hppy tol romeo one hg though? When the time comes, please have Janine reach out to us — Meovetabe te os he pbih he ees or vere gee aly Se THE WRITE SIDE OF THE BRAIN ‘Ave the letters you feature published in their entirety, or are they excerpted from a 2 larger Body of writing? Ti curious as to 5 e vihether so many of your readers are as asinine as portrayed on paper Qo weeyrrcmems | Brenna colts Tulsa, Oklahoma Collins Me Maybe — Good question! The truth s, our readers are actually much, much, MUCH stupider than they appear on paper. For example, we ran your letter in its entirety, and even though you come off as a record-breaking dum-dum, we're confident that your letter doesn't even begin to do you justice! Anyway, thanks for writing (or thanks to whoever helped you)! —Ed. era 4Letters and Aa YULE BE SORRY was given MAD's Stocking Stuffer issue as one of my. N SY stocking stufers. jumped for joy and screamed, then saw gota MAD, and stopped. On page 24 (MAD's Do-lt- Yourself Jingle Bells") the contents page said the article ‘was published in 1984. How is this possible if the article “GOTCHA” ARTIST CREDITS had lines referring to ebay, Pokémon, downloading songs aueee (or PAGE 33) and J Lo? Care to explain? Jonathan Azor Chicago IL W3)14 wslt@ 20,30) 31/52 cnn cpt els Christmas ital! Sue, a Crstmas males go,’ pretty lame and unimpressive — but let’ face ita MAD Stocking Seis, 17 18 19 20 35/34/35 36 lr ha aa You know what they a: the thought tha counts ots ce 5 ; 67 le 21 22 23 24 37:38 3940 {twas usta tern thought Happy oldays! 910 112 25 262728 41.42.4344 | COMFORTABLY DUMB was appalled to receive my February 2018 issue and see that the dumbest events of 2017 did not include ray decision to subscribe to MAD. Surely, this terrible choice notes ‘Self portraits unless otherwi 1. Scott Maiko by Sam Viviano 25. Tom Richmond 2. Tom Bunk 24. Mike Morse by Peter Kuper should have ranked in the top 101 ‘3 Desmond Devin by Tom Richmond 25, Roberto Parada Rod Foroozan, MD + Houston, TX 4, Paul Coker 26, Matt Lassen by Ward Sutton Pasta Foroozan — So many people stupidly subscribed in 2017, S.Peter Kuper 27-Kevin Pope itwas hard to single out just one dumb subscriber — although 6 bob Staske 28, Scott Brcher your leter makes a very strong case that you're the 7-Teresa Bure Parkhurst 29. Kit Lively and Soot Nickel dumbest ofthe bunch, ut dont be discouraged! &. sth Peterson uy Soot Nokal Be sure to check The MAD 20 for 2018 — i : there's a good chance out dedsion i} Siew ae zo ward euton eng Avene SLomven shar tori your eter ilo that pone Rh Jonathan Breeman by Sam Sisco 32. Rick Tuke 12 Richard Wilms 5. Alcon Grams by Hermann Moja 15, Mark Stutzman 34 Mark rediokeon “ FOLLOW “FOLLOW MAD ONLINE! ONLINE! .tvan Waite by Anton mdin 55: Anton Ean Looking fora wou to wast ne AND open yourself up to publ eee spo Tela? You cn ce both simply fonng us on Pacebook, 16. Tim Carvell by Bob Stacke ‘37. Irving Schild by Sergio Aragonés Tumble, Twitter end inetagremt 17.Devid Shayne by Steven siver 38. am Sisco {B.sere Kogan by Paul Coker 50 Fank Sentopare by Tom Bunk TW. Flufy Eo Mosoruggs by 40. Chiistopher Baldwin yamoo Warela 41 Kenny Kelby Justin Peterson 20. Rich Powel 42 leh McNomee 2 John Marte 45 Jemen Werrola 22.Dick Debertolo by Rik Tuke 44. Alaee To all our friends and readers — thank you. x « MAD-ly, John, Sam, Charlie, Joe, Dave, Jacob, Ryan and Patty William M. Gaines Founder ADMARISTRATION Laan Ganam v= fal 400 AD (0 nl anode cn John Ficarra Senior VP & Executive Editor | Diane Nelson Presidest ‘Edtral ears & Tale Relations | or write to PO. 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Contributing Artists And Writers | AMmeDeinsSmer yh, Sy Soe de Marg adnan The Usual Gang of Idiots Sonmereiiigoen MARE Svea tet | wstes ome usouacie cuSubscribe to INSIDE MAD INSIDE MAD contains 256 pages — numbered for your convenience — of classic MAD stupidity: classic covers, movie satires, ad spoofs, features by Al Jaffee and Don Martin, plus ‘commentary with commenting comments by MAD contributors and celebrity fans, from lee-T to Judd Apatow! om rf ow oh The Bsr Tay AD To receive your hardcover edition of INSIDE MAD, simply purchase a two- or three-year subscription to MAD. Subscribe online at: Use Keycode: ABBMDIM WAHL 0 8 np nor wt wnpeou bk Orga U8 cuter.=== THE FUNDALINI HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF ‘Adams"-Bomb: AGAINST HACKERS 1 Immediately change your password, Socal Security number and mother’s maiden name 2 Convert all your money into untraceable eryptocurrencies such as Bitcoin or Dave & Buster's Power Points 3 lf canceling all your credit cards and opening a new account seems daunting, keep in mind that Wells Fargo has probably already opened anew account for you without your knowledge 4 Remember, hackers can't ruin your credit score if you ruin your cxedit score first 55 Stop using any electronic device until the whole thing blows over The Cover We Didn’t Use i= © *dobnJobn ha: [gag Sean | Seatimy mnces sears, | our | Yo set his alarm clock @ * Afterwards, Yord recatlea | | a ae Df) teres } 0a cruz's father nas off. Anaustnes, on the slim say oeen Snel OSV |) om onion! fanaa ns OW) Soe o fhe gunned srtne “shadowy figure On | +The whole thing was Cooked up by the Fr, The grassy knoll” Wes J Cuba and, of course, ge lawnmower ff Barack obam, say pushin et wie ie a Wouro You HELP THANKYOU, MO te YOUNG HAN, NO PROBLEM! ee ‘THis INTERSECTION CENTER FOR mee CAN BE SO PRYSICIAN ASSISTED, SUICIDE.PaGes USEFUL THINGS TO DO WITH YOUR OLD FIDGET SP. ‘A Walk in the Parkhurst Bulld playground equipment for ‘Craft a festive brooch for the roaches in your apartment {your grandmother Use It asa spaceship in the extremely ——_—Put tina closet for 60 years, low-budget movie you're making then go.on Antiques Roadshow Me Maser Rh Pol ‘and hope to make 3 kiting EE eee Oe ee hee Te ee aaa Un tata INTRODUCING THE JOHN SHAMCROCK RETIREMENT PLAN. HOW DOES IT WORK? ete Seen RR ua eure = Rue une SCE uae yoo! Pena ecu haus Ss hire ice Cel efot Mao NMR AU ele 7.097, (els MUR Rone tS cena a ar Reenter aie aoe OA eae asa « MODERATE This package will guide you to a modest standard of livi eRe er wn cr tes at your doorstep! Our least popular, but oddly, most utilized pl: eam Cen cacc tl ee ea Cae g ase Tord, while giving your children the peace of mind that they won't burdened with taking care of you after you've Fun out of money. CURL 4 ENOMaNCN aN Rata tne ye rd SPOUSE FOR NO ADDITIONAL CHARGE! WLLL D etal’ “THe FUNDALINi PaGes The Faster Five Little-Known TIPS FOR USING SOCIAL MEDIA Benefits of Store IN THE POST-APOCALYPSE Rewards Cards 4 Nothing makes the slowly decomposing corpse of your loved one look cuter than the “baby deer” Snapchat iter 2 Use Throwback Thursday to show everyone how “basic” you looked before you replaced your arm with achainsaw 3 Checking your wall for “Happy Birthday postings is a good way to knowwhich of your family members and friends are stil alive — basically the same ast isnow 4 Ifyou're a zombie, be sure to post cardholder may 1 photo of your victim's brains to Instagram before eating them uni an employe asks them to leave) 5 When hiding from scavengers under the floorboards ofa rotting hhouse, make sure to switch your phone to “vibrate” Se td Pear ara EVEN F USED INA ROAD-RAGE INCIDENT The Tomb of the The Leaning Tower Five free earbud disentanglements Unknown Leftovers of Pizza Boxes oii oidThe Yungbluth and the Restless "if you're just joining us, my guest is a man who was stranded on a desert island for over 800 cartoons.” Slogans for Toys You Shouldn’t Buy ‘Blonde Meet and blue-eved, ‘Just add ‘your toddler's just like a baby & wood, and wateh new worst should be! your termites ‘enemy! ‘grow! The rob so fun, it slaving you ‘and your, ‘fam! ‘Each month, a single lucky customer will ‘come home to find Jeff Bo208 on his or her toilet, grunting ‘out a deuce ‘amazon guarantees uyour home will be 98 safe and secure ‘88 your financial Information is at Equifax. ‘amazon will make millions seling replacements of stuff ransacked by Amazon delivery people LITERAL LOGOS FOR PRO SPORTS TEAMS BUFFALO r= i BILLS FLYERS pea By For customers" peace of mind, couriers will be told in the stomest wording possible not to sneak Upstairs, put people's underwear on thei heads ‘and dance around inthe nude Boxes willbe let in ‘whatever space is free of allthe other crap ‘customers already bought from Amazon Inthe event ofa dog attack, couriers remains may be shipped back to Amazon free of chargeTHe FUNDALiNi PaGes MAD’S TIPS FOR “CUTTING THE CORD” UNCONFIRMED FACTS ABOUT THE ANCIENT WORLD a Rams A**HOLES OF au e)13 0 ‘Subsoribe to online services that cater to your needs. Get Hult for eee ‘TV shows, Netflix for movies, Amazon Prime for the movies not on Ea Netflix, HBO GO for your Game of Thrones fix, Playstation Vue for live TV, On Demand Now for recorded TV watching and YouTube Red MASCOTS tor Minecraft tutorials. Now isn that so much simpler? Look for low-cost alternatives to viewing cable, such as VouTube pranks, Conlin cat GIFs or watching TV through your neighbor's window A Bit of Hanky-Panckeri ‘You may sil want to purchase an On Demand eubserption to ge) a {our Favorite shows, bt be wormed: much ofthe visceral hil of a Cupcake Worse lost when youre not watching in ea time > ‘Make alittle scrapbook of screen caps from your favorite shows for | \)\ those long, onely nights when youre really missine your cable box GB | Don't lat al the money you'te caving and your newfound hobbies distract you from the real benefit of cutting off your cable: being able to constantly brag about not having cable Fundalini Correction In MAD #438 and in numerous issues thereafter, c Re eee “OM ~ se jist sider fest aeromy” ‘tose wousy LL ed opors 700K iT Wout HAPreN || Action? ‘Our Zoas? TO us! THEYRE SUPERIOR 0 US IN EVERY WAY! PERFECT UaIF PERSON IS AWAKE If victim can’t talk, Ifa piece of food say: “Text me 'yes' comes fying out, or'no. take a photo of the dish victim was eating, IMMEDIATELY Post it on Yelp with a very negative review. lean in and take a selfie. (Look concerned, no smile.) Post on Instagram with hashtag “#RIP2” immediately post a ‘thumbs up” selfie with a hag Continue until Snapchat filter. victim and/or phone battery dies. Ifa person's teeth ‘come fiying out, check to see if anyone was lucky enough to catch it on video on their cellphone. IMMEDIATELY post it on YouTube. #PoligripFail Stick camera fend of your phone into their mouth and live- stream the video so People around the worid can help you see if anything isin there, Turn on the flash to better see deep down! use your phone’s photo program to enhance the color. Post to Twitter with a thoughtful 280-character obit. PPySo much gooey sappiness! So much drippy, syrupy mush! im Miguel, the most CIES Dramatically, i's ike Fipping through Family patriarch Jerk forgettable regular character [gd show's structure, ’a cherished family photo album. Worsen here! I'm alive, for inthis schmaltzy ery-porn The big gimmicks | | A photo album filled with abandonment, || now. But s00n Il be dead, factory. 'm the uninteresting fi that ittellsastory of | | alcoholism, adultery and addietion-— and |] Then alive..then dead. friend who later becomes the ff] one biracial, bipolar | | those are just the A's! Then we've got the t| then alive again! Just ike tb the Obamacare rope: also sober, then drunk, then Ourshow's fanatic mental liness..wall, anyway, the kids fi sober, then drunk, then fans are spellbound, pj are cute! You know what? Just turn off sober. ewilderingly, I'm seeing this astonishing ff] your brain. And enjoy the simpering, Portrayed asthe perfect, ‘concept of past and bland Starbucks acoustic music we use |] stable backbone my family present co-existing in scene, after scene...after scene ‘can always count on! | uninteresting second husband. UA family by jump-cutting snapshots of divorce, racism, stillborn birth, How flat and dull am? | ‘sfound in time, ‘erminal disease, emotional betrayal, The "wacky" MAD parody name for my character Miguel ie "Miguel" But even though I've revealed nothing about myself, enough about met You al know me! Kystching Do not adjust your television. ‘Andi'm Bloaty Damon, Plate's Worsen, the hunkalicous star ‘You are not watching rmuch-t00-significant other, and the best ‘of an idiotic TV sitom called threehundredthirtysomething! argument for more stringent anti-stalker The Manmeat. play the 1m this guy's twin sister, Plate! legislation! From the moment! saw Plate, titular himbo, Drink in this Ihave a weight problem because | there was a wild attraction between Us. perfect body. Just eight percent have emotional issues. And Ihave But it's no different than the gravitational pull ody fat! Too bad al of iis ‘emotional issues because | have 3 between any two planets! As boy friend material in my head! The Manmeat is ‘weight problem, It's the circle of T'm loving, caring and thoughtful. love having ashow written for everybody [fell life, except 'm the circle! Every ‘ex, care about having sex and | constantly, ‘aged six to 60, ifthey have fl fone of my plotlines is about my ‘think about having sex! And lke half the mentalities aged sbx to 624! ‘eating disorder, which imbues people on this show, | apparently have no job! Variety calied my acting "the my TV character with th ‘Which leaves me ample time for thinking up best reason yet for abolishing ‘emotional depth as Yogi my next five feeble relationship “quips.” I tried ‘the medium of televi Now that guy had a real pi {fo get ajob once az writer, but Jimmy Fallon See? They said wast Kicccl|_basket problem! | feel you, be said my comedy wasn’t edgy enough! ar RS eeTim excited to be starting in my fist it ‘TWeeries since | played Peter in Heroes. Unfortunately, that show was 2 gimmicky melodrama crammed with falky family angst, multiple versions ‘ofthe same characters, flashback ‘events and future shock reveals That's why the series went stale after just one season...er, 'd prefer if you didn’t just hear me say that! Instead, just focus on the seraggle quotient of fy changeable time-traveling beards! Tm Jerk’s wife, Rubella! But if you watched MTV for precisely the right five ‘weeks in 1999, you might Kinda sorta remember me 35 pop princess Mandy ‘Moore. My chatacter The way this show is structured, it zometimes cuts fifteen years off of mya episode from one seane to act Twasn’t easy raising triplets, but came up with a system ‘that kept me sane. | took care ‘of the first one from January ‘through April, the next one from May through August, and the last one from September ‘to December! But Im pretty sure my husband Jack secretly hnursed them behind my back. The babies kept coughing up ‘greasy black chest hairs! Greetings, viewers! Do you ever dream ‘about a sexy, middle-aged Urkel, with I'm Rancid Worsen, the adopted black son iho is, weirdly enough, the white sheep. of the family! | grapple with feelings of racial jitters inmy own neurotic, upper-class way. Teatn millions and millions of dollars as @ ‘commodities trader, while eating myself up with the debilitating panic attacks that'll cause me to pop an aneurysm and drop dead ‘at 40, And then my sizzling wite Blecch will inherit every dollar. Hmmm... exactly which ‘one of us has the genius business plan? Rancid’s supportive wife, Blecch, To the outside world, my husband Rancid may seem {| tightly wound, but he's a maladjusted, stressed 200 tiger in the sack, And to keep our sex life hot, he has me fill ‘out a short questior ‘afterwards! Every ‘months, he compl spreadsheet of my physical needs, then uses a simple prioritization matrix to meet his quota! Mmmm, Crunch ‘those numbers, baby! cute and comically understate ‘aul references, Test here tolbok cate ante | conical Nor [ea] understane Pay rterencst ZA Withered Hill's myname, ]53 When Iwas reunited with my bith | son, Raneld, after 36 years apart, elt a tremendous lump in the pit ‘of my stomach, [thought it was emotion, but the doctors told me its cancer, Maybe the drug abuse did it. 'm so wasted that, to me, this show seems in chronological order! It broke my heart to abandon ‘ny baby Rancid on the front steps ‘of the hospital. But you must Could go on Craigslist ‘and trade him fora jet ski!You're in good hands with kindly old Doc Kowznofski Vm s0 corny, lonce made Norman Rockwell vomit on his shoes! I'l deliver those babies of yours. A itle ig i Se yours 8.9999 monte pregnant, LY” Absolly So] inlets, That rasan rou houldn’t get my annual wifey stripper Ey along this dance, followed by birthday sex! surfboard, needed NBC got to feel brave and noble about toexercise. ff Hey-do you wanna sneak out ofhere portraying the societal stigma of obesity with and get asecond dinner? Ican toss a_| | honest, resonant directness. For about 30 seconds. handful of Dunkin’ Donuts Munchkins | | _ Then they introduced Chubsy MeWisecrack as the across the room to create a diversion. | | romcom bad boy of “silver Dollar Pancakes Playbook"! Listen to me, Jerk, You will goon, You can ‘Quit? quiT? adopt. And that child will have love and grow But you're the star strong. He will go on to be an invaluable ‘ofthe #1 sitcom! source of half-baked racial subplots that ‘On the TV Land don't go anywhere! Most importantly, this channel. On ‘overwrought scene WILL be submitted to Wednesdays. What ‘the Emmys, and WILL receive the award for Outstanding Guest Actor in a Drama Series! Buried under this succulent dude flesh isa serious actor! You gave me your solemn word that this tragicomic ‘denouement would explore the jagged depths of the human psyche! ‘Absolute stark reality! But these are plastic fish! And the dog can't even fart on his cue! ml g 3un nyse rc : At ast, we meet! ‘Your mother and |were both drug You are my biological || addicts, and had to give away our father. 've brought || newborn baby. Then your mother ded. 0 or 12 handy I spiraled out of control and ended up charts to-explain the || on the streets. Sol went into rehab, Geoxyribonucleic || where | began a gay relationship before adid’s role being diagnosed with inoperable cancer. in this process Phew! That was one rough Tuesday! Ww They're just going to let us take him? I only been mt ‘one day! How were we able to adopt an unknown child, without any attempt to locate the parents? Who would award custody to a poverty-stricken family with two newborns? Doesn't the adoption process usually take a fong time? ‘At first, didn’t think it was a smart Idea to let a total stranger come live with us and be with ‘our girls Especially ‘a heroin addict! But they realy seem to be bonding! Goldilocks was jonesing real bad for her dally porridge fix. So she broke into some. body's house to get a taste of the stuff! And |// ‘after heating up the spoon and doing her third bowl, she felt juuussst right. And she nodded off into unconsciousness, ust asf she was floating down a slow river. Mmmm, yeah, I wish as mainlinin’ some of that pure Bolivian porridge right about now! L Thandled it. While you were in labor with the other two, studied law, passed the bat exam and filed the necessary aperwork with the dreult court. | Now THAT'S gifted child You've got to leave, Bloaty! My dad and! always watched ‘Ooh! Mmm, baby! There's nothing more arousing than tasting the ff By remnants of bar peanuts ‘and Budweiser burps, mixed into a shipwreck beard! But promise me ‘we won't have kids! ‘Mmmff! Pant! There's no bigger decision ina marriage than whether to have children So let's make that decision, by default, 3/4ths blotto, in the bathroom of 3 bar! What a night! First we win the Super Bowl, and then you get your ovin private orgasmic touchdowntTsten, Honey! Things are looking up! Maybe we don't have || It says here that can much money. But we || sell blood for $20 a pint. can make it together, f| And since the human with love! Here, ‘body has 10 pints of kids, eat a heaping [|] blood, that means 'm bowl of love! about to make $200! aD ‘Whoa, why the grumpy face? [Those writers’ room “quirky deeds’ You loved it when | booked you Ml were very hypothetically charming. But {8 surprise singing gig, or when [| only becatise my mind is aswirl with Ilew cross-country t0 surprise |)| daddy issues, an eating condition and you, or when | surprised you at || the inability to distinguish between fat eampl Don't you like my. || flamboyant desperation and love. i ut aN 1 | ‘On the twelfth day of Christmas, this family has to deal ‘AMassive | [Bloaty hitthe |[ We don’thave || With twelve tortured secrets, eleven Kleenex moments, || Christmas Heart || floor so hard, || any cardio shock | butstop {en childhood traumas, nine misunderstandings, ‘Attack? That'd || hemay not’ || paddles! Quiek, hanging || eight drunken squabbles, seven dumb “traditions,” | | be the worst survivet And || try to revive hirn tinsel on six fat support groups, FIVE dliffshangeers! Yoraholiday || neither might || with the girs! ‘Four broken dreams, three. special ever! ||" the floor! Like your assistant’s F{ Twant to tell you. ob and confronting your boss’ obnoxious kid, Or Blecch’s pregnancy scare. Or Withered’s secret gay rehab ‘But there's lover. OF the lady at the pool who taught your mom Afro maintenance, Or the time Jerk became a card shark [| something iho fleeced the mob. Or Kvetching’s affair with the playwright. Or Rancid's daughter becoming an overnight [| _ stopping me: chess expert. Or the woodland cabin of nostalgia and drugs, Or the lecherous creeper at your fat camp. F|NBC’s promotional] But there sone paper-thin subplot that we've dragged out for an entire season: HOW did your father die? _f| department!Ub, This farewell The first aa ‘Sob! MY DAD'S. is’ || father-son road trip time you [J Gurgle gakk glick! )] GONE! And now it isan emotionally leftme [| Its..so hard. Fil never see him alright || _ healing journey. behind, || tosay goodbye. || again. Except for That wraps up a commercial-free block with "No Time,” and before ‘that, "IJust Died in Your Arms,” ‘Knockin’ on Heaven's Door” ‘Down ina Hole” and "Don't Fear || if! || Andif you die right itdidn't the 35 flashbacks the Reaper.” Stay tuned, we'll be || change || there in the shotgun || urkr.these tubes. in seasons two the tacky the Grate ea, but seat, can still use down my threat! and three! [| first, “Another One Bites the Dust”! 7 ‘the carpool lane! Teame to warn you al You can't keep repeating this back-and-forth time jump sgimmick forever, or youll run a cute premise into the ground! And take it from me, you ‘don’t want to end up in the Old West! ‘Wooo!!! Wedding, day! Do you thinkits all downhill from here? ‘Atleast when/ travel through time, Tsay each of my ‘happens at 88 miles per hour. Your family || children was having a just wallows in the stagnant soupiness of || midlife crisis. But when ‘every moment that ever happened. You || ‘they bounce from age aroun: actlike every little incident of meeting or | | 36 to age 0 to age 16 to ‘remark was an emotional explosion that | | age 36 to age 10 to age job to quit! I could drive this time machine 75 years utterly transformed the pathways of your || "0 to agenine to age into the future, and with your maladjusted DNA, lives. No heartstring let untugged, no gut| | 36, what the hell does know your great-great-grandkids would be the left unwrenched, no tear left unjerkea! same pack of sappy, maudlin whiners that you are! ‘And where have your transformed pathways gotten you? Straight to nowhere! The mom got remartied..to the only other male character he one son quit hs job. The other son 3b. And the daughter doesn't have aCEs Beatles vs, Stones, Coke vs. Peps. Kardashians vs. Vanderpumps, The world i ful of biter rivalries, each of them leading to disagreements, arguments and disputes {a warning to you Kardeshian lovers out there: were staunch pro-Vanderpump). But things get especially testy when it comes to rivalries between generations — which is why were helpfully pouring fuel onthe fire with.. De ean eee ae sy Bee! Pan a other generation, thanks to Seu eebee Nye ‘ela es MILLENNIALSa ese demerit get here, inset and nove ie tye tO Washington #6 probably « good cry cena 809 ey eto hag “resin, and F Win toe fat lent sical year reas Putin: Great guy, The bash rk S: When seeused you did Something i+ Never apolonize, wT hil on the totes while watching "Bax are AS incoming President, Hin COS, but wy whey Yo why did | eat that ‘mooooore! ©. BF vending machine iPad, HBO GO, sushi2l? SnoBalls, Fanta... That's either ‘corn or baby teeth... either way, | gotta stop ordering from Golden Panda! Mr. Toilet — hope you're Hey, buddy - Ne if | told you | had a \ could travel-sized Yahtzee, JB really use 2 tae Would you be up for sie tted|spocn) perfect time. Let’s right now! do the mortgage application Rich hints ‘of mahogany; subtle undertones of cherry... \ really like your Hi, Rush! First-time caller, long-time listener! {told the waiter no peanuts. {TOLD THE WAITER NO PEANUTS. / TOLD THE WAITER NO PEANUTS! Damn automatic toilet Flushed before \ could take inventory! don’t know what | just made, but it’s already got 50 likes on Instagram! Oh, man — pants off first, THEN sit down! Stupid! | fine. | can keep BS Skyping.‘Terry's life was good, Sure, he never grew into a big io-Tac-Toe ‘board like he dreamed of, but he was the Pound Sign, and ‘that was enough. Work was steady, especially since the rise of automated customer service and the prompt ..follomed by the ‘pound sign’ He had litle time to ponder what might have been, One typicat afternoon at work, Jerry found himself crammed right up against the beginning of a word. He waited to feel the backspace correcting the typo but t never came, He chalked Sup to MKS — Moron at the Keyboard Syndrome. | Terry got used to the weird and constant proximity to words, | bat what unsettled him was that no one called him by his given name, Pound Sign, anymore. This new gig brought him a new name, Hashtag, And a new sensation: popularity. ‘He lived with his roommate, Dave the Open-Parenthesis, ‘a brooding type, who was always making asides. But Dave's ‘western omelets more than made up for his sometimes ‘bummer moods They got along fine and were even on the same bowling tear — just a couple of friends living thetr lives. ‘Tnenext day. when it happened a few more times, he checked with his cube mate, Pam the Number Thee, to seeif Shehad expevienced snything wed She hadnt. iter thet thee wart ime toeven aout what was happening forelong, Jerry was smashed up against more words than he ever knew existed ExcLanation point, get over here You basta! We EAA make n'decst eas word wihont Yu! ‘Trwasnt long before Jerry (or "Hashtag as he now insisted on being called) became unrecognizable. Soon he was running ‘with a new crew of friends, who glommed onto his fame. Dollar Sign, Atand Ampersand were his constant cohorts in clubs, and when they all got together it always spelled trouble| et Light onthe [ seegnetiee Borat \ Heashtag J was living big —late nights, expensive meals, fancy jewelry. Fe never saw Dave anymore and was barely associating with his coworkers. But Hashtag J was on top of the world and there was no stopping him. Or so he thought, “ and YOU smell INSIGNIFICANT; he scoffed — when, all at onee ithit him. He tured and tookin the scene, and in avoice he barely knew — Jerry's voice — said, "Youre right. 've lost my way. I've forgotten that no matter how famous you are, we are Aallequal Even Equal Sign! And, Ido, do smell super-musty: ‘The guys at Pinny Lanes welcomed him back, no questions asked. Dave s happy to have his roommate back for Wednesday Western Omelets and Trivia Night — and sometimes Cora the Lower Case h rides over on her brand new bike to join them. One day, driving to the Polo Club, he was texting with a symbol he had met the night before. He heard the scream before he feltthe impact Slamming on the brakes, Hashtag J sprinted from the car to see the mangled bicycle under his wheels, but the cties came from another direction, where Cora the Lower Case h was shivering on the side of the road. "You monster! You. almost killed me! Also, ou smell super-musty" she wailed. Aer that Jerry changed his ways. Ampersand was the last fone to stop calling, The rest of his party friends quickly latched ‘on to Asterisk (wito was getting alot of press because of some slassified emails) ‘Terry is still bsy as hell and as popular as ever. He's taken up ‘meditation and journaling and, most weekends you can find hhim volunteering down at the Invoice Factory, ae the Pound Sign.id a SVS eas Ok aon ent that has everything. as well as a oA i ( fun little tale to read to your younger Bat-Mite — / as you tuck him or her into bed” © SNM Lolo} 100% unauthorized 2 GOODNIGHT MOON parody—as 4 the Seem cnCen Wy. Olt) TRE oa =GOTCHA VOL 7 SSUE1 FEBRUARY 2018 FUMBUCK, SKANKHOOR, METHCHESTER& PERVBERG COUNTES H MUG SHOTS OF COMMON (BUT DESPICABLE) CRIMINALS JAMES EARL DUSTIN RONNIE LEE SCRUGGS DUSTIN EARL LEE JASON JUSTIN DUSTIN Unprovoked assault on cardboard | | Taking all the beef from Beef with | | Attempting to pass expired ‘Attempting to pass expired Kylo Ren standee at Target Broccoli tray at Chinese butet ‘Arby's coupons Arby's coupons (at Hardee's) DONNIE HORTNOY BECKILYNN TUTCH ‘TYLER DILLARD SHANE Convincing minor that a Manspreading on crowded ‘climbing into steel claw game paintball was a gumball restaurant that he subway without penis at Walmart & ‘SHAWN EARL DERRICK DEREK JAMES CODY False use of “multi-family WAYNE FARCHLING BUNIONS 0SCROODLE Excessive strokes on busy mini- | | mega-sale” posting to describe | | Entering bounce house without Stealing pies cooling golf course with people walting ‘small, sad yard sale Temaving shoes on windowsRONALD LEE RAY . be Grabbing the milk withthe RONALD DEERTICK KATO SMOOT later date from the back of Clipping toenails while wife Unauthorized all-you-can-eat the dairy case Is eating shrimp plate sharing at Sizler Bigamy NORTON CROWHEADENBUS Using fingers to eat cherry tomatoes directly from salad bar ij) HANS BRICKFACE Using free address labels sent ‘by Humane Society without sending back a donation FLUFFY MCDOUGAL Wanton destruction of avian wilt JIM GRAVEL Methodically capturing and ismembering 238 drifters, between 1968 and 1997 Lucus MUCUS Passing off recip found online as “Grandma Stucker's potato salad” {or church fundraising cookbook MALWARE DIRSLOP Frantically forwarding debunked ‘mail about hypodermic noodles at gas pumps, with four years of headers attached, to grandson THROMBOSIS KRUMP Giving homework on a holiday weekend RICKY LEW PECKER Binge-watching brother-in-law's colonoscopy videos VIRGIL LEE CASEY Blaming iton the dog ‘TEB TUB Wiritng harassing/threatening birthday cake inscriptions ‘TOM WADDEDSOCK Taking selfie in locker room with ‘nude fat guy in background COVFEFE-BOB GRUNK Hitting “roply al” to mall with Information pertinent only to ‘the original senderBO GRIGGS/LEON HAMS ‘Sneaking in own candy to ‘movi theator LONNIE RUSSEL TATUM ‘Giving Uber driver low rating bbecauso “she wasn't hot” BEAU WURDLOW Keeping light on throughout ‘an overnight light KLAXON WHISENSCHMUT ‘Asking fora “cup for water" ‘but iting it with soda TANYA CORTORDER Publicly referring to self as “mommy of two furbabies” HEATH ROY RUGG Passive-aggressvely preventing tse of adjacent movie seat by putting coat over it DR. GRADY BIRDSLOP Plugging phone charger into wall at TJ Maxx ke he owns the place CODY GRIGGS CLAYTON Refusing to free up space on DR by deleting 27 unwatched episodes of Gotham WESLEY LEE WHESS Throwing together bag of solled ‘rags to donate to thrift store on 12/84 to get tax receipt DON OWLPELLET Retweeting everything Foy Wap tweets WINSTON VAN WINSTON VAN Failure to participate in mandatory ‘standing ovation for entrance of Joy Behar at taping of The View ZEKE A. VYRUSS Falsely claiming to have abetes to avoid purchasing fundraising candy bar COLBY CODY DAKOTA Failure to purchase Girl Scout ‘cookies from co-worker AS HECKY PECKERSMITH Mm: 4 nursing home common area FESTUS MCPITSTANK Fugitive from deodorant RUSS TATUM LONNY Doing the Fold-n in the checkout line and then not buying the magazine‘OH MY? GOD! POU'RE M ~ — | st) | aicar Seaver cen) |) cos a VP ADULTE yf. 8 Ato coe Resronsib-© VIDEO STORE || \ ‘COME WITH MES. THER» he uy . sytrle srr clueas bos waking fats. hose and even pce epaenens ~ somebody has to detonate these bonds — may say hat he fore of ib auton ake hee BA Inthe yeast come welsee abancestha il ake oc tance tna som potve cure bole vt tet oureyberetbutertarendvouthepecewe le 03h. ‘Automobiles become completely self- driving — leaving cabbies, truckers and the cast of Fast & Furious jobless McDonald's staff becomes fully automated —leading, to higher prot, shorter walt times and a dramatic uptick in customers finding lugnutsin thelr Big Macs hildcare is revolutionized with the advent of. ‘the Robo-Nanny. Sure it's justa mini-fridge, an Pad and a fidget spinner welded together — but man, does it keep the kids out of your hair he animatronic Donald Trump from Disney World's Hal f Presidents somehow manages to become the host of Celebrity Robot Apprentice Ea ce 38“The US. Postal Service introduces The Demalishet, Perr “The Honorable judge justiceBot X-9000 is appointed to the US. Supreme Court ‘an automaton capable of destroying fragile packages BS With 1 times the efficiency of a human mall cartier For the Fist time in baseball history a robot the Werk Milions of robot workers are lad off by the world's first-ever robot CEO EPSee eee are) z 2 B 3 3 a *VATIONS FROM i UTOPSIES = than is common for a man.. no evidence of a soul, despite repeated urgings by +the hospital chaplain to keep looking...” “deceased appears to have had tonsils removed and replaced with artificial ones...” ) deceased was a 1980s-era sitcom actor, who most people thought had died years ago... =e “ad don't even want to think about how 27 Monopoly hotels £5 ended up in subject's colon...” We i, lal LeFea ‘SERGIO ARAGONES PHESENTS = AOe te AU ae yyw. ast? ee GREATEST* PRESIDENT! RESIDEN * Over 120 pages of Trump stupidity! See CMC ee | | | oe © [Tem eure e " ze ~Y aaa TS MOR LL reality star to aleelun ieee ay * Featiiing an introduction | Ele) = anol ao / fey, CET eyel=tal Dea CRT ue ccaEVIL DOES iT DEPT. ‘The villainous mastermind Dr. Helnous — trapped in his awkward teenage past 20 LIKE TO THANK MYSELF, WITHOUT ‘WHOM NONE OF ‘THis WOULD BE. POSSIBLE, ‘ALSO, MY FELLOW NOMINEES FOR ALL DYING NA SERIES OF MYSTERIOUS LAB ACCIDENTS..AGAMN. MOTHER! CEASE WITH YOUR INFERNAL SHLIT TERBUGGERY ‘ATONCE! ‘BUT ¥OU LOOK. 80 CUTE N YOUR OUTFIT, SWEETIE? YOURE SqUIRMING. DONT BE NERVOUS! sr ‘STILL, YOU Fiosety VERMIN’ TGROW UP TO HAVE. ‘MULTITUOMOUS ROMANTIC. ‘OPTIONS! ‘NOW WHERE'S TUNT GIRLFRIEND, h oF yours... / suv youve BEEN TALK ‘ABOUT YOUR DATE WITH HER AzzWelcome To HOMECOMING MY NINTH-GRADE. NEMESIS. Look at her, trying to distract me with her inane prattiing. As if it wasn't all a NICE TRY, cuves eur ve GOT BIGGER FISH ‘TO FRY. HAVE A. NICE LIFE, LISTEN HERE, MEDDLESOME MP. THIS 1S A SPECIAL NIGHT FOR ME AND TDONT NEED ANY L/TTLE GIRLS GETTING IN MY WAY, ‘SIGH..ORETTY\ 7 surewene ace \/ CARE STEERNG CLEAR Y_ FOR SOME (OF YOUTO0, _,8LADERUNNER) BERRY Punic? Cc WHEN T SAY “SCHOOL,” YOU SAV "ROCKS! WE, Ul, SORT OF PICKED OUR PARTY ‘THEME BEFORE ‘THE MOVIE CAME OUT. AND BY THE, TIME IT BOMBED, THAD ALREADY PAINTED THE RYAN GOSLING MURAL. 4, THIS PART OF THE 108 EVER ‘GETS OLD.te ves! Yess! it's working! (OF COURSE TS WORKING...) | TM BRILLIANT? THANKS A 07; DEWEY! TWAT SPEAKER WAS ‘A RENTAL/ THERE. MR. BALSAWOOD#/ WHY ARE YOU DRESSED LP LIKE EDM SUPERSTAR DV DANK MEME®?) Ti JUST TRYING TO MAKE THIS NIGHT SPECIAL FOR THE KIDS, OKAY? AND A QUICK 42.000 WHILE TM ATT. GOES MY SECURITY DEPOSIT. ‘BLULLYAtA BULLY? WOULD A MERE Burccy” BE CAPABLE OF OPENING: AN NTEROIMEN- ‘SIONAL PORTAL LiKE THAT? \// You PRETEND TO BE A NORMAL KID, BUT NORMAL KIDS DON'T BURN ‘DOWN THE CHEMISTRY LAB, SCAM "THEIR CLASSMATES OR USE FIELD ‘TRIPS AS A COVER FOR INDUSTRIAL SABOTAGE? END THEY DEFINITELY DONT CRASH THE HOMECOMNG DANCE AND DECAPITATE RYAN GOSLING/ TT DONT KNOW WHAT GOT INTO YOU LAST SUMMER, BUT YOUVE. ‘BEEN ACTING WEIRD ‘ALL YEAR! KNOW WHAT’ Vou ReaLy ‘ARE, DEWEY DERWIN SUPER-VILLAIN, You Faac/ FROM Now, [just need fo tune the portal Into the right harmonic Frequency, ‘and it's exit stage leFt! GENIUS HAS NO oFe-SwiTcH, cues! BUT ISN'T THAT KIND. (OF LIKE CUTTING IN LINE? | [AND WHAT ABOUT CREATING A TEMPORAL PARADOX 85 BOTH WALL MONITOR AND & MATH ZETE, T HAVE SOME SERIOUS ISSUES WITH AZZ OF THIS FUTURE! THAT'S WHY 7M THE SUPERVILLAIN ‘AND YOU'RE WOT... TTSIMPLY DONT GIEA@68%/ YOURE EVEN WORSE AT GRIFTING ‘THAN YOU ARE AT TEACHING SCIENCE! WHY, YOU WOULDN'T KNOW TRUE VILLANY'E IT BIT YOU ON THE UHH, HAVE A GREAT NIGHT; ‘KIDS! DJ DANK AND you're HANGING OUT AT AMIGH SCHOOL PATHETIC CHILO! DR. HEINOUS Aways ‘SKIPS OUT ON THE BILLYWith that whole debasing ordeal behind me, [can One fhing’s For eure: Finally get back to business. Hmm...what atrocity ‘today marks @ new hall commit First? Raze the rainforests? OF evil For Dr. Heinous/ Tilt the tectonic plates Stink-bomb a Starbucks? [and just lke that. Tmhome. y SUBVOLCANIC AND You, NIL LAIR? ‘ATOMIC. DEATH RAY! ESPECIALLY You, GANT GIANT. Ryan cosine MURALI Waa Figure OF speech. i, YES. You THOUGHT VOU WAD IT AZZ FIGURED TID ALITTLE. (OUT WITH YOUR LITTLE D/SAPPEARING REDECORATING With "ACT AT THE HOMECOMING DANCE, YOU WERE OUT. ‘BUT YOU OVERLOOKED OWE ‘MINOR OETA. YOU LEFT BEHIND YOUR TIME MACHINE, PLEASE, CALLE... PRO TIP: NEXT BE Time vou DECIDE To MAKE ‘OH, DON'T TELL 5 AVINDICTIVE MATHLETE'S ME YOU'VE ALREADY FRESHMAN YEAR A LIVING HELL. FORGOTTEN YOUR TRY AND KEEP YOUR REAUITY- "NINTH-GRADE “ALTERING INVENTIONS ‘OUT OF HER REACH, Fearedy parents. dated by fe00™7 “wean, you ics envcdbycuidehaamatcura| /<,AMACNTHITE \/~ Ait YO, Everyone otinempelebenton'| ( TNDAA-READY a”. Y COULD TAY Toe Ve a uaininincnies PaoeasLy wt sone YOU USED MY TIME MACHINE y THING ABOLT ME Toaetr Me Tone : Then ur Guth WORSE. FUTURE..STEAL MY JOB. On Cagaw, TM Nar THAT TURE. STEALNY 40 ee toane weno oe i ANE Me Yo HAMSTER RESEARCH. ors.cxss You can knock me down. You can ‘steal my evilidentity..out like bedbugs, Justin Bieber and the MeRib = Iiijust keep coming back, more terrible than ever! And when 140, youll ll be sorry! Especially you, ‘Dr. Heinous.” So swears.. “"" TBED.PFHaus THROUGH OUR NEXT HEALTH DEPARTMENT INSPECTION! CAIN 11S Eee rial vt ) eeu cf es as your sweaty waiter awkw: ee acctrKe bho And they're steeped in some sort of greasy, dripping cil, so the stains they leave on your shirt are permanent! “Hungry for more? Just remember, according to the Mayo Clinic, symptoms of food poisoning Note: Neverending” refers to your frustrated attempts to flag down anyone to bring you another beket of breads, not the actal don't generally kick in until a few hours after Erescatels, Goes great wth our Never Coming Fasta Bowl eating and can last for days! APPETIZERS Fried Melanoma Sun-kissed, irregularly-shaped skin tags topped with a searing spritz of super-cold liquid nitrogen. Abbondonza! 7.29 Meager Mussels Marinara Build up your appetite by going to work on this seemingly generous platter of marinara- drenched mussel shells with surprisingly litle meat inside. An immense undertaking of awkward, messy work for a remarkably small amount of food. Served with little pieces of toast so you don't feel completely robbed. 11.79 ree cnn eek ret Pasta Bowl! Choose a signature pasta and we won't bring it to you. Order again and we still won’t bring it to you! Goes Proce eee| Eggplant Parallelogram | Ughtly fried, pan-crusted, topped with marinara and mozzarella and cut into ‘ tectlinear figures with opposite | sides deliciously parallel. Served with your choice of | protractor or slide rule, 14.99 Spaghetti Capybara Tenderloins of enormous South ‘American rodent tossed in a creamy sauce with bacon and red peppers. 16.99 Wynton Marsala Sautéed filet of trumpet in a savory jazz/mushroom fusion. 16.99 | Shrimp Skimpi i | Big wad of fettuccine tossed “with the rest of that Roma [tomato we used in your salad, | covering up two, eh, maybe | three undersized shrimp. 18.49 | | obscenely on a plate with two Waitress Hair with Tilapia Bland whitefish baked in a lemon butter sauce and tossed with tufts of thin blonde hair from waitress going bald due to the stress of not being able to find a decent job after college and being unable to pay her student loans; when she's done here, she's stocking shelves at Walmart u | €xtra Thick Sausage-Stuffed Manicotti al Porno | Overstuffed pasta arranged | round meatballs and delivered | by a waiter with a bad mustache | serenading you with the “traditional Italiano song, "Bow Chikka Wow Wow." 15.99 Herb-Roasted Sea Bass Filet roasted to perfection by Herb, | in the kitchen and topped with garlic butter. Lou-roasted Sea Bass available on Sundays & Mondays (Herbs days off). 19.99 "Lasagna di Marie Callender Scant portion of Marie | Callender’ lasagna that was | mis-delivered by the food distributor that services all the | | chain restaurants in this business park. Served with your choice | of Cracker Barrel turnip greens or Red Lobster Cheddar Bay | biscuits. 14.99 Fettucine Congeali Fettucine pasta tossed in butter rich alfredo sauce that was ready for pick-up by your server ten minutes ago while she was on her break and has since hardened into a solid room- ‘temperature slab that you're going to need a steak knife to cut and some sort of improvised wedge — maybe the salt shaker — as a fulcrum to pry off the plate. 14.99 | Chicken Subpoena Grilled chicken breast topped | with fresh tomatoes, mozzarella | and basil pesto served atop | a parmesan-crusted order to | appear in court. 19.49CREATE PICK-AYOUPASTA — SELECT-AYOU SAUCE Gandolfini ‘new ean opened every morning) Jacuzzi Traditional Mascara Clamato Meaning Ed Marinaro Stuffed Port Authority Mushrooms A succulent trio of mushrooms harvested from under a bench in a humid corner of New York's Port Authority Bus Terminal, stuffed with pepperoni and mozzarella from a Lunchables left in the Lost & Found and tossed with vending machine ravioli out of a microwaveable container. 15.99 Oe PASTA COMBINATIONS THAT SOUND GOOD WHEN YOU ORDER THEM, ANYWA} “We're All Family Here — ee CHOOSE-A YOU TOPPING Pupperoni Sautéed Squirtle Mama's E. coli Tusken-Pounded Sirloin Sand-crusted seared 11-0z. bantha sirloin tenderized to delicious perfection with a gaffi stick and served with roasted new potatoes. $17.49 PAIRS WELL Wit Twofed dking J * Before placing your order, please inform Us ifanyone in your party is one of those Complaining morons wh keep sending things beck for no reason 20 your server yA ~ \) W (e) 5 rN NN «an go bt th bar and pon ] ih re : So Expect the Same Jats of one of our eappy house wines b Kind of Abuse & Neglect | * £27025 35)5°.0c\< ‘oorstonets lolile age You Get At Home” Serf And ose auc sos Ne Ra we ordered ta0 many of last week that fre relly starting to turn,BSCAN HANNITY. MEGA CUM LAUDE (THE BEST! BELIEVE Me) cdHE SEAT GOES ON DEPT. “ SheilaGodsick * ° Loved dearly by three of her four children. — Iris Igqy and Tran, but not Herd ie Zeed ‘A beautiful girl whose addiction to lip injections bought me a house in Tuscany. Grady Pounder Mark Woodford Tragically passed away before [could convince him to inelude me in his stinking will —Mark Woodford Ir Cinnamon Raisin’ Hell © (aka Donna Meslister) believe that we never out th as a stripe Ter parents Gorge & Marge McAllister, Mr. Biggles Who peed around hore so afte Jodeamiellisre|| tho aanes this urine Cty Couneiman Norm Choma Felicia Moore Who came her which sh 10 write poetry, sucked at AnonymousDRAWN OUT DRAMAS Seip liasWARNING: DO NOT READ THIS! MOVE ON TO THE NEXT PAGE.Recently, scientists stumbled onto a revelation that they never dreamed they'd encounter in their lifetimes. I's an entirely new perspective so out of this world that they're completely incapable Cf processing it. To find out what startling new insight has stymied ‘even the most well-rounded theories, just fold page in as shown. THE “DAWN rs TRC Lar TU Pra Ue ee ae ee St BELIE WORLD-ACCEPTED FACTS. SADLY, THEY HAVE THE VIS ee DeLee esa ee Rea esCs Pras aes Urry avGET READY FOR AN ALL ano A AL AE Yi © (> ee yea DROPS" APRIL!