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ONE WEIRD TRICK

BECKA KINZIE
CHRISTOPHER SEBELA
COLOR FLATTING

THOMAS K
EDITING

DREW GILL
PRODUCTION

IMAGE COMICS, INC. IMAGE


SEX CRIMINALS, VOL. 1: ONE WEIRD TRICK. COMICS,
April 2014. Copyright INC.
© 2014 Milkfed
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CA 94704. Contains material originally published as Sex Criminals #1-5. “Sex
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To anyone, anywhere, at
literally any time in human
history who ever rubbed one
out: you are the real heroes.

To my darling Jessica,
wherever you may b—ah!
You were behind me!
What the fuck?
1
SUZIE
DOWN
IN THE
QUIET
2
COME,
WORLD
“…other people just ruin
everything, don't they?”

—come on
come on come
on—

Jonny. Think
about it.

We'll slip
out back. We
can beat her.
We can get
away.
Children.

Too
late.
3
MY SEXUAL
ERRORS &
MISFORTUNES
(2001-PRESENT)
Ohhhhh
man.

Think we
really fucked
up here,
Suze.

Y’think?
So the girl It was his
who punched second week
Jon's V-Card was at college She smelled
a stage combat and — like cocoa
major named Cara, butter!
with a C, rhyming — y’know
with air and what, he should
not are. tell it.

Cara had a roommate who


was having a hard time being
It wasn't Cara's room. 45 minutes away from home
for the first time.

So Heather, a friend of
Cara's, let us use her
room instead.

Just a little
music for
you guys.

Slogging up a
sad wet beach
Looking for
the towel
Where I think I
left my keys
This is the little
lakeside town
Where dreams get
sunburn and drown

Everything is awful!
Everything is awful!
Oh, fuck, Everything is
is that awfully awful
Esteban?

And if we got out


of bed we might
never come back.
It wasn't our room,
right? We couldn’t
tell where the music
was coming from. So we just
kept going.
It's like England
everywhere
It's like England
every day
Awful — just awful
Everything just
completely awful.

And that’s how I lost my


virginity to the shimmering,
dulcet tones of England’s
own Esteban.

I manage
I know, to get her So it's
Oh god — right? So bad. bra off, to go time.
So bad. undo the —
y'know —

— the
thing —

— which
was about
the extent of
foreplay.
So — so, okay.
Esteban crooning
away like a dying
otter.

She shoves.
Right, so. I love
you.
I pushed. And then —
So she, y'know. She
grabs me and pulls
me forward.

Is
it —

This is just the worst


place in the world
And you're here all by
yourself

Except for me
I’m here
And it's awful

So that was that.


We were fuckin'.
Well… I
didn't. Uh, the
first time. I
...and? didnnnn't…

Esteban
Didn't Uh. stopped, so I
what? figured that was
Have, punishment
uh. An enough for
orgasm. everyone.

How did
you know when
to stop?

But the second


time you —

Nope.

Aw, baby.

Yeah. The second


time was just as…

…anticlimactic.

Oh, shit, yeah,


So the… that third time,
the third time, forget about it.
then?

The
third time I
shot so hard I
blacked out for
a second.
And, god, did that
suck even more.

All it meant was something


was wrong with me.

It was always wrong with me,


and never Cara-with-a-C, or...

Kara-with-a-K. Betty-never-Beth. Annnnnnd


Liz.

Jen.

Brenda.

George —
Jiya, who almost
Amanda, with the weird killed me.
periods, who had to — WHOA —
change her name.
Guy named Uh — you know any Yeah,
George? girls named — well.

— yeah, once, I’m not gay as a going


in fact, I did — concern, I just —

— well, no,
this wasn't her, this
was a guy named
George.

Wow.
Wow. You slept
with a guy.

Well, dude. For people like


— you just
fuck dudes? me. Like us. I got so bad there
And … and
what? I was for a while I’d have tried
looking. anything. He was in my
movement class and…

What was it
like? Who, ahh —
how did — which
of you —

It was like a wild


rumpus that got way,
way out of hand.

It's alllllll my fault


oh-oh-ohhhh-oh

It didn't matter.
When I was done…
I was still alone...

We hooked
...we didn't know Hey, so…
up Friday night -
Saturday morning how to stop.
and then it was
…I gotta go to
Sunday night - Monday
work in a few
morning and…
hours.
Oh… Well, look. It's
shit… late. Why don't
you, uh — Is that
…sorry. God, weird?
the time just — What if
you stay?

— No, I
know, I —

— sorry —

Uhh… no?
I mean — — no
Um... thank
you?

I’ve looked
for you every
day of my life. Or,
since I was, what,
thirteen, fuck,
whatever it
was and…

…Suzie, I’m
worried that if I
don't go home
tonight I am never,
ever, going to go
home again.
Yeah, no, Can I — do you —
It had been 55 sure, okay.
hours. It was — do you text? Do
you have a phone? Ugh.

— it was
a hell of a
first date.

Oy.

Ahh,
fuck.

zzrb

All right,
fuck this.
'Scuse me
boss…

Fuck you
and fuck this
bank, sir.

Okay.
Ssssigh.

Come on.

This is
the worst. I don't
Right? even know — I mean
Just the why I —
worst. The so what, right?
waiting. He calls, he
doesn’t call, who
cares if —

— wait, that's
bullshit. He can
get to the Quiet.
He has to --

zzrb
— Aaah! —
Aww,
gentle jesus,
not again —
— oh,
You right. Well,
thought — y’know. Later,
This isn't what if this keeps
I thought you going well, and
meant. you can close
the deal.

Mm.

First name
I suppose Hey, basis? Really?
I just feel like, Jonny
y'know — this boy.
place, it's a part I was a
of all that stuff valued
My, what a and… customer
gentleman. for many
years.
…I told you a lot
of stuff over the
weekend and, I don't
know, I told you almost
everything, y’know?
And you didn't make me
feel dirty or weird
or wrong…

Shit, I must I brought But yeah.


have stolen… it all back. I walked out
The stuff I with tons of shit
didn't bury from here for
I literally in the years.
must have woods, I Jesus, why
stolen hundreds
mean. didn't I ever
of thousands
steal anything
of dollars of
good…?
porn from this
place over the
years.
Boy.
That’s gotta
be like... WHOA —
seventeen
pornos at
these
prices.

Video booths?
We can watch
pornos here?

Aren't you
a librarian or
something…?
Yeah, I
never really Oh
got the point of Joooooonnnnnn…
these. Like —
just take it It’s got your
home. boner queen in it
and it won at the
Cans Film Festival
in 1991.
Y’know?

C'mon, Jesus
c'mon. this thing is Whoa. Undo
expensive — your belt.

I want
to “close”
your “deal.”

HARD-ON
FINK
STARRING We all love a
JOHNNY SPURTURRO Hard-On Fink And the
fucking but since ass. Yes.
you’re Hard-on
DIRECTED BY Fink I assume
JOEL AND ETHAN BOEN you’ll fuck me in
spades.

Shoot upon
me! Show me the
life of the miiii

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
This is
great. It’s like
I feel like I can
cutting out the do anything.
middleman.

We, I mean.

—think We
about it. found
What do We're not each other.
you mean? alone We can do
anymore. anythi—
Right?
Please
Like butt
don't run away
stuff? screaming
but—

Two lives full of sex and


He was right, sadness and weird shit
y'know. and distance, and then
suddenly —

The two of us.

Alone together.

— Suddenly, there he
was. There we were.
Me and this guy.

This fucking guy.


I mean, it’s a
library. They're
foreclosing on a
library.

And, like, maybe


I’d at least understand Yeah, that
if there was a tenant waiting place fucking
It's the bank, to go into the space, but sucks...
basically. It's so
they're just gonna knock messed
it down and try to sell it up.
as a lot.

OH SHIT!

So we gonna
do this, or are you
gonna stare at
balls all night?

All right,
all right…
IT’S MY
JAM!

ARRRRRE
So you
heregonna
Suzie starts
take WeAARRRRRRE
tried to get theyou
singing
me home“Fat tonight?
Bottomed gonna
rights to letuse
it all
thehang
lyricsout
Girls” by Queen. for the
Fat original comic
bottomed girls you
AHHHHHHH!
Legally, though,down
that but justthe
couldn't get it
beside that red make rockin' world
was an issue. worked go out in time.
roooound
fire liiiiight

I was just a
It was skinny lad
okay, though:
Left alone
we
Neverdid this
knewgag nowith
good Butwith bigcollection
for the fat Fanny we
the little post-it
from badnotes wanted
and the scene still Shetowas
try again
such ato
But I knew get the lyrics because,
played okay.life before naughty nanny
I left my nursery hey, "Fat Bottomed Girls"
Heap big woman!
is kind of the greatest
Youofmade
song a bad
all time, boy
right?
out of meeeee
I've rhetorical.
That was been
singing
You don't with mytoband
need
AcrossWe
answer. thecouldn't
water,
across
hear the land,
you anyway, this
I’ve seen and
is a book every
youblue
are
eyed
a floozy
person on the
and that's Hey!
not how waaaay
it works.

But their
Anyway, thebeauty
day we
and their
uploaded the style
book we
Went
heard, kindthere
again, of
smooth
might after a
be a chance.
while

Take me to
So we
them lardy
tried.every
ladies
tiiiiiiime

— “Fat Bottomed Girls”


In case you were was when I knew I
wondering, babe — loved you.

Ohhhhh won't you


But ifme
take you're
homereading
tonight?
this, we clearly either
Ohhhhh down
couldn't afford the beside
lyric
your red firelight,
usage, or they weren't Fat
Ohhhhh and you
made available togive
us, it We've almost
bottomed
or theiralllawyers
you gotjust girls you make
harassed poor
Fat bottomed
couldn't girls you
move fast the rockin'
Brian May world
at
make
enough.the rockin' world gopoint.
this round!
go round
Now I got
Freddie I got Ain't no
Best pipesin
stiffness It would’ve
Anyway,
Hey listen mortgages
Mercury, beauty queens
ever.bones
the in thisfun.
been locality
here!
so. on homes
huh?

I tell
Ah, ya
well.

Oh, but I
I always
still get my
wanted to
pleasure

Still
shoot got
a real
my greatest
musical number
treasure back Hey
whenbig
I made
woman
videos —
and stuff.

Those You
captions
done
were themade
same
a big man
in the comic.
out of me!

They're still
Now get
true, but,
this —
y’know.

Ohhhhhh

I know! You’re gonna


I feel bad for
take me home
recycling
tonight
them.
Oh, adown
Only little,
Ibeside
mean. that
red firelight
Pleeease!
Arrrrrre
I'm not you
gonnasleep
losing let it
all hang
about it. out

Fat bottomed
I just you
girls don'tmake
theyou
want rockin'
to
feelworld
rippedgooff.
round

FAT
BOTTOMED
Why don't
GIRLS YOU
they make
MAKE THE
musicals
ROCKIN’
anymore?
WORLD GO
ROUND!

I GET ON
bet the
YOUR
answerBIKES
is
AND RIDE!
"Lawyers."

Wow.

Freddie
Fuckin’
I know,
Mercury.
right?

So, here’s a
weird idea...
Is it butt What? Why,
stuff? No, it’s
No. are you not butt
into — stuff. I —

I’m thinking
about your library, What if we
and your books and just... ...took...
stuff, right?
...the
And I’m thinking money you
about you and me need?
and Cumworld.

The store
or —

-- no, no, the...


the thing we do.
“The Quiet.”

“Took?” The bank.


But we just
take what you need.
Where From the bank and
would we — then your library —

You just give


it right back. You
guys are paid off Pretty sure the
and we... bank is the victim in
that scenario.

...we just pretty


much committed a
victimless crime.

Fuck the bank. This isn’t


even a drop in their bucket. Cum —
They spend the library’s How the hell
mortgage every month on do you rob a
cookies in the lobby bank? We do it in
people don’t eat. the Quiet,
Suzie.

What’s the
worst that can
happen?
Uh...

Don't
shoot? We
surrender?

Don't
worry — it's
not a real
gun.

Here. Wait,
Take it. what?

See? Don't
It's a — Hit
him. "hit him,"
I—

You two
are in my
world now.

And
my world
HURTS.
4
SEX
POLICE
I swear
to God…

But
No, man, I'm
And I will seriously,
You hit Um. just fucking
break your don’t hit
me again, with you.
fucking me again.
man…
jaw.

… is in
order for Many people
you both. like us have of
…“kudo”… course chosen to
break the law,
I suppose but you…
some sort
of …
…you're the
first two who
have ever worked
together.

I suppose you
think you're very
clever.
Ahh... I don’t—
Um. What kind
of police get
I have a to carry…
question.
...that.

What am I doing?

Shut up.

What am I
Don’t fucking doing?
speak to
them.

It’s a hunch. A suspicion. Holy shit,


But I think I— this guy's a
bus driver!

THESE
GUYS AREN'T
REAL COPS!
It sounds
dumb.

It sounds
dangerous and
it sounds dumb.

And
wrong.

Most of all it's,


y'know. Wrong.

Oh come
on, it looks
Hey, check like a dick,
it out. sort of.

GGwwwaaAAHHHH

The bank And yes, the


I was
You look manages to not law is the law. Yes,
listening.
like a dick, lose money in we are choosing
sort of. recessions. The bank to break it.
And yes. It's
wrong. But the stays open
right-wrong. by making
everybody
else close.

To what end,
though?

To keep a library open? So yes. I say let's break the


That they are choosing to law to absolve the library's We could keep
foreclose on? Suzanne, debt. The bank writes it off, the library open.
fuck that place. the library stays open, and
we do something good with
this…thing of ours. We could do something.

It's less
than one
thousandth
of a percent
of their annual
We budget on
steal from fucking
the bank lobby pens,
and give it Suze.
right back
to them.
We started simple.

Well well
well.
We meet
again.

I have. It’s nice.


Y’know, I’ve never
had sex outside. On a nice
day?

Except for,
like, peeing in the
woods when I was a kid,
I don't know if the It’s nice.
sun's ever even hit
my junk.

When it's not


nice there can Ew.
be bugs. ...

I don't even know


Yeah. how we get started.
Do we just get
started?

whoaHEY—
Ugh, God, it
even smells like
lube in here.

But if
nothing's moving,
how does scent
move through
Actually, have you the air?
ever thought about that?
How does smell work
when time is stuck? Like,
it's particulates, right?

What do we
do? How do we
get started? —Shove!

Y'know, why
don't we just—

I'm sorry, did Okay, I got it.


you just… Well, yeah, We can't
y'know, I guess I just mess the
place up and run Help me pick
…say "shove" as was feeling…
around. That's up that shelf.
you shoved that
shelf? just vandalism.
We're not What, your
We got gonna do this bank has boxes
to work. Stuff in a porn store at the bank, and boxes of fake
smells weird and is right? dongsdropping the
heavy. Surprisingly so. dongs DROPPING
THE—

Fuck
Clocks don’t work in this was a
The Quiet but it felt stupid idea.
like it took hours.

So
stupid.

When I want to have sex again— Man, I hope


or really just want to orgasm this wears off …I’m so tired after
again—time slides back into place. soon, but… all of that the last thing
I want to do is have sex.
I want a shower
and a nap.
Jon says it's called the
"refractory period."

I wonder if it's something


different for girls.

So you wanna
try some butt
stuff?
Well...

…let's go
see.
Literally four
seconds later:

Holy...

...fuck.

Cumworld went
insane.

The outside world


took no notice that And watched.
we could find.

And for a week,


we looked.

Sylvia Then we planned.


Poggiolllli.
Slower.
But how do we
get out in case
Syyyylllviaaaah something goes
PoooggiollllIIIiii. wrong?
Yeah. Susan
Stamberg has
the sexier voice,
though.
Th'hell'll go
But she has
wrong?
a name like an
accountant.
I'm gettin'
tired. I should
And listened. head out.
Whaaaaat Later
wolf you are Rach.
crazy... Mm.

Oh, it's
one of Jon's
uh—nerd
What are things.
you up to,
little bird? Dungeons
and Dipshits, I
don't know.

I just
lied to
her.

Just like that I


lied to my best
friend.

Look, it’s And you’re


an orc. cool? Uh-huh!
You two, I
mean. You're
Aaiiieee.
cool?

...

We are
super
cool.

No we aren’t.

We weren't.
We thought we were
but we were wrong.
Because
somehow she
was already
wise to us.

I imagine... But then—


She probably has
mom shit to do.
I imagine she —suddenly!
has a family life.
A real life.

It could Or you could get


be like her into that whole Superman
secret thing with her—is she KIDS!
identity. Kegelface pretending to
be Mom, or Mom
pretending to be
Kegelface?
But when
the shit comes
down...

—She comes
right down with
it like a hammer.
They have to have
a headquarters
somewhere, right?

Like they’re a secret


paramilitary sex army
keeping the world safe
from deviants like us.

A massive,
interconnected
network of
time-freezing
sex police out to
destroy people
like us.
With uniforms
and codenames
and stuff.

And she’s, like,


their Bruce Willis.
HEY DON'T
DROP THAT
BIG BUCKET
OF—

No, lady, we always have our Nipple


Pumps in the She-Plug aisle, and our
—aww, Steve,
Tall Gaysian Amateurs videos totally
you fucking
dildo.
belong in the Chaps section.
Excuse
me.

Has
anything…odd…
transpired here
lately, by any
chance? Or
more odd
than usual.

Tch. It’s
me.

No, moron,
Meet me 9:30. My kids
There’s tonight at the won’t be asleep
two of Denny’s. until then and it’s
them. Taco Night.
Messages
Suzie with an I & an E Messages

i don't know you


seem super into
this.

like you want to


punish them

is it wrong to use
… this thing of
ours… for
something like
that? is it abuse?

look not for


anything but it's
not the craziest Send
ME thing in the world
to think you
i don't know you
might want to
seem super into this.
abuse THEM a
ME
little

like you want to and fuck yes i


punish them
Mr. Cumworld (ugh) want to punish
them! this place
ME sucks!
is it wrong to use…
this thing of ours… …have you
for something like never used it for
i don't know you other
anything
that? is it abuse? seem super into quiet?
than being
this. haven't you ever
Mr. Cumworld (ugh)
DONE anything
look not for anything like youwith
wantthis
to thing of
but it's not the punish them
ours?
craziest thing in the
world to think you is it wrong to use
might want to abuse … this thing of
THEM a little ours… for
Mr. Cumworld (ugh)
something like
Reply Send that? is it abuse?
and fuck yes i want
to punish them! this look not for
place sucks! anything but it's
Mr. Cumworld (ugh)
not the craziest
thing in the world
…have you never to think you
used it for anything might want to
other than being abuse THEM a
Messages
Suzie with an I & an E Messages
quiet? haven't you little
ever DONE anything
with this thing of and fuck yes i
ours? want to punish
them! this place
sucks!

…have you
never used it for
anything other
than being quiet?
haven't you ever
DONE anything
with this thing of
ours?

Send

Well...
Once.
So, in
college, there
was this boy.
Geoff.

SUZIE
VS
GEOFF

Geoff was
some kind of high
school somebody that
got in on an athletic
scholarship.

He smelled like a So of course Rach


men’s magazine hooked up with him.
and looked tan all
year round.

I had no idea
what boys liked or
wanted. I didn’t know
what I liked or wanted.
But Rach knew. And we
all knew Rach knew.

So Rach and
Geoff had a very
magical three
weeks.

And then—
Whoa, Rach,
what's— Honey, are
you okay?

—are you
crying?

…and getting
stoned?
She said no.
Rach dropped out. The
drugs became a bit of a
thing, we had to call her
Geoff said, “Shut up, mom and stuff…
slut,” and did it anyway.

He was a star athlete


She got better
riding free through
eventually, but
school and life.
Geoff… he didn't
miss a beat.

Nobody ever
said no to him.

And one day...


...one day I just
I called the cops, but kinda lost it.
without Rach they
wouldn't do anything.

"Sounds like
somebody's
girlfriend doesn't
like being dumped,"
the son of a bitch
on the phone
said to me.

Hey, pointer for all


I availed myself you kids out there.
of Rach's stash.

She was so
wrecked by then
she didn't notice.

If rubbing one out


puts you into a state
of frozen time,
maybe don't get
high down in it.
Weed shouldn't
even work like that,
I don't know.

Fuck you. All that was left


was to get back to
my seat without
falling on my ass…

By my estimate this
took a half-hour.

Then all I had


to do was sit ba zzz.

YO WHAT THE
HELL—?!?

They took the


scholarship back His folks got him
and kicked him out. out of the
possession bust.

I googled him last


year. He's got a
boat and does
some sort of
competitive
fishing bullshit.
We found out the hard
way we sort of had to be
close to the place we
were going to…crime.

Cars don’t work in


The Quiet.

We never took that much.


We always took a little from
a lot of different places.

So we just
got to it.

God, I hope we didn't


get anybody fired.

Every few And save the


days we'd Do our thing. library a little
go to bit more.
another
branch.

But mostly
have lots of
sex, which,
y'know.

Is pretty
great.

All of it was
leading towards The place where
the big branch. Jon worked.

The place my
dad died.
Here. And —then they
then— go home or
whatever, I
guess.
Where
do the old
guys go?
So then—
So then at four
there's another
Right, so shift change.
then…

—don’t need the


description of the
shit the man took —so, get this, he
on your chest, just won’t accept “fraud”
Appletown the man— as his charge because
it sounds “too
Police Department, french.” Can you—
Downtown Precinct,
—work security on how may I direct
the weekends. Like
being a porn star your call?
but only allowed to
use your fingers—

—form R2F for —can’t shoot an


theft, but I’m on my unarmed man more
way out to fill form than three times.
M2M for the It’s just the rules—
weekend, If you—

Hi there,
uh... Uh, I don't
know who I
need to talk But I think...
to, but… I think my roommate's
new boyfriend has
gotten her into having
sex in public and now
they’re planning to
rob a bank?

You
don’t... say.

One
moment
please.
EEEEENOUGH!

You two are


both under
arrest!

What Trespassing Public


charges? at the very Indecency. You
On whose minimum. have a license
authority? for that gun?

Show us a
badge or we
run.

It's not
a gun.
I warned
you.

Suzie.

What?
It’s not—

Boys.
Turns out some
people really like
being electrocuted
during sex.

Turns out other


people are just
assholes that embed
tasers in fleshlights.
Either way, the end
result is the same:

You get your shit rocked


pretty goddamn hard.

Wrap 'em
up, boys.

And let's
get them out
of here.
5
GOING
DOWN
I'm not sure where
I am right now.

And I'm not sure


what's happening.

And I think I just


peed myself.

Jon.

Wuh
happneed,
Jon...?

Isn't it You're a
obvious? prisoner of
the Sex
Police.
You were
intercepted by There are And you
Beyond
us in the act rules people two...
laws.
of committing like us have
numerous to follow,
crimes. children. ...fucking
morons...

...were
screaming to
get us all caught.
Suhh. You get caught Suzie...
and it’s bad for
everyone. But what
are we gonna
do with 'em?

Leave
everything
to me.

Suzie...

—Come on— Suzie, I—

You
were
right.

I know these cuffs.

I know.

Here's how I
learned how to
get out of sex
handcuffs:
“Your new ‘Bondage,
James Bondage' Bondage
Cuffs are guaranteed to be
inescapable by even the
greasiest of fuck-pigs...”

Fuck you—

“These police-grade
bondage cuffs made from
the most insatiable of cows
and coldest of metals were
first unleashed on the
hippies and queers—”

—Jesus—

I know, right?

It was all in the


name of prep. Bzzt.
We were acting. You lose.
So we needed
to rehearse.

Time for
another visit
from mister
Colt .69—

It's weird, the


things that work
in The Quiet while
others don't.

Vibrators. It looked
Touch-screen enough like
cell phones. Fire the real thing.
is still hot, but it's Double-
much cooler. You jointed
can touch it... fingers and
thumbs.

Now who's
the greasy
fuck-pig?
Jon was an actor. I guess we
thought if we were going to
play bank robbers, we should
have the right props.
hhh nhh Ugh.
Ugh.

OH
GOD—

All of it was in
anticipation of
the big one.

To save time
we should maybe do it
inside on the actual
day, y'know...? There’s
a big restroom, lots
of stalls...

A dry run. No,


wait, that sounds
like I'm making A dress—an
a pun. undressed
rehearsal. Sure.
Okay.

Jon worked ...and out


there; he already knew the front We just
door. It wasn't
his way around. This fill one, like, just that it was
was for my benefit. I'd gym-bag worth wrong. That part
never set foot inside and wham-bam- I was pretty
the place. thank-you-bank. much over.

The drill was:


we enter The Quiet, run
in, head to the main
tellers, hop the counter,
into the safe, back out
of the safe, and out the
front door.

It was that the whole


thing was starting Cool. Hey, I'm Because, of
Back in
to feel haunted. gonna go check course, we were.
a sec.
on one thing.
Like we were
being watched.
Shit.

Jon are
you—

I'm
starting to
get creeped —don't come
out... in DON'T
COME IN—

I—

What
the fuck.

WHAT
Oh hey. THE FUCK?
“When I was “And, y'know. They
a kid I was nailed it. Nailed it.
diagnosed
as ADHD.
“But with it can come a
few other disorders.
WHAT
THE
FUCK:

Like Bing it.


“Oppositional It's a thing.
Defiant It's a bingable
Disorder.” “Oppositional thing. Ask
Defiant Jeeves to bing
Well, so—so Disorder.” you up
Okay... that's me. I have what—
—know
ADHD and with what, fuck it,
that, this other you're a smart
thing— girl, you know
what those
words mean.
It’s called
“comorbidity.”

But, look, don't Are you— I'm fine.


worry, okay? “medicated,” —I mean, I'm cool.
that's past like, now, It’s cool.
tense— are you— I just—
They
medicated
me. And I
—I have
therapy
and social
skills
training
and,
and—

Let me
tell you Okay? If I
about this tell you
asshole I about him
work for. you'll totally
understand
everything.
Hey, boss,
I'm gonna
take five,
grab a cup
of coffee.
The fuck's the
Sit down at
matter with you,
your fucking
taking a break.
desk.
We have
Want money to
anything? make.

Ladies?

I don't care
what the no Boss.
prog
You
fucking
prick.

You
FUCK—

Hm.

ffllarrble

He hasn't
So instead
I started gotten rid of
of, like,
to quietly and the plant. Which —my boss uses the
smashing up
consistently drop is, like, the easy “Phantom Pooper” to
the guy's office
my daily deuce in solve, right? crack down even more
and losing
his potted plant. Not for him. In on his subordinates.
another job
Now, the amazing fact—
and all that—
thing is this:

He even offered
a reward. People
have narced one
another out, even
trying to get
folks they don't
like fired...

Jon. No.

Are you... on
your meds still?
Right now?

This guy. This fucking guy.


I had a girl and a job
Did I ever tell you and everything was
about why me and right on track.
Janet split up?

She was my
last serious
girlfriend bef—

—She was my
last serious The meds kept
girlfriend. The meds... everything on
an even keel.

Never mad. Never


sad. Never really Were—
happy. Never... what were—
...well, never
squirrelly. Oh, shit—

mm
Janet...?
It was kind of
a problem.

But, look— I I didn't Little ways


went off my meds. feel anything. to vent pressure I work
It was that or no... So I went off before I get into out and
there was no joy in with a plan. the red. Like—like a meditate. And I
life. There was no A strategy. healthy sex life. find crapping
anger and I could in my boss's plant
focus on anything keeps me from
like a laser, but— screaming at—

Children. We know.
Are we I...
clear?

... What?

We have You, uh.


reason to
believe the You
two of you don't know
have been ...freezing that.
having time, and
sex... pulling off a
variety
of petty
crimes.

And you were Wait how


in the main branch of could you know
Bankcorp not an hour ago that—
rehearsing what appeared
to be a robbery.

You
didn't think
you were the
only ones,
did you? We're
watching
you.
Behave.
How
did— —who
was—

Jesus, I
think she
was in the
bank with I think—
us, Jon. She’s got
She’s— kegelface!

I think she's
doing kegels!
Like, right now!
As we speak!

What if she has


some kind of crazy,
like, super-muscular
time-stopping
vadge, and—

—where’d
she go?
Wait,
where—

Jon, I’m
serious, she’s
just gone
and—

Uh,
Suzie ...
You sound —I am. It's
so sure, I cool. It’s —if she was
just— nothing. a cop, we'd be
arrested. Maybe
It's hardly she's like us, maybe
“nothing,” and I'm not, either way—
concerned about it. how can they
I'm concerned about catch us?
you and I'm concerned
about us. There's a She was
reason— just some freak
and we’re already
tweaked out,
is all.

What? I'm fine. But it's that or,


I—Honey, I am. Okay, like... my food all tastes
no. I—It's— granted, yes, I the same and I don't
have a few ever want to
weird outlets, have sex.
but—
It might
have made
me “normal,”
but Suzie,
...I was those pills
talking made me
about your dead
medication. inside.

It wasn't
a problem Jon...
before
today.
I'm sorry
you had to
see it, is all.

Suzie... I worry.
Don’t.

About me,
about ol'
Kegelface,
about
anything.
'Night.

Good
night.

Welllll
shit.

Suzanne.

Jesus— Suze, as
your friend and
someone who
loves you very much,
I would like to ask
you to reassure
me you know what
the fuck you're
doing.

Um. Are
you and
this fucking
guy of yours
Okay? planning to,
like, rob a Fuck
I do? this.
liquor store
or a bank or
something?

Rach, I...

Are you?

Shit. Um... hello,


I'm trying
to speak to
Shit shit shit shit Mrs.—
shit shit shit what
am I doing?

—oh, hi.
Seriously. What
am I doing?

Is this
your home
number...?
I see. That's
unfortunate.

Yes. My research
into your friend
suggests your
hunch is correct
and she's
intending to
break the law.

I wanted to
make sure you
could reach me
whenever you
needed.

Well, no, not


per se. But as this isn't a Because at
criminal matter yet, this point they've
quote-unquote “actual broken no
detectives” aren't laws --
necessary.

Jerry,
goddammit, I’m
on the phone—

Who’s
Jerry?
My associate. It's
unimportant.

Thank you for


your efforts, Ms.
Jackson. We'll be
in touch.

Okay,
kiddos.

Din-din.
So I did what I do.

I went home and I


got to work.

"Four
refinements
have been
made to the
criteria for “First,
oppositional symptoms
defiant are now
disorder. grouped into
three types:

"angry/irritable mood,
argumentative/defiant
behavior, and
vindictiveness.”

I'm sorry. I
Excuse was... Sorry.
me? Ma’am?
Can I help
you?

I'm
working on a
project
Hm...? and...

And I looked up It was a school project


from my book and She had the biggest
that became a bigger
there I was. thing to do yet, and if
thing and then a bigger
it went well she might
thing still.
meet the president.
There a little version
of me was, looking for
information in a world
that seemed like it was You should
designed to keep have heard the
everything secret. way she said
“president.”
She almost
sang it.
‘...certain
batteries made This
with limited purpose fucking
utilize lithium-metal kid.
electrodes to
prevent...’

This kid.

This fucking place.

Norville

Nuncio

Ofelia

Norville Oscar

Nuncio Oz

O P

Ofelia Pat

ME ME
Oscar Patricia
ME

Contacts Contacts Contacts Okay,


Oz Patty Jon.
Norville
P
Paul
Nuncio
Pat
O Pizza
Patricia
Ofelia
Poopin’ Jonny
Patty
Oscar
Prince
Paul
Reply Oz Send Reply Send Reply Send

P
Pizza

Pat
Poopin’ Jonny

Patricia
Prince
Yes, I'd like to
report a bank
robbery.

This is just a
concerned
cit—

Yeah, Bobby,
it's me.
So now then.

Where were we?

Oh right. What I don't


understand is, what
are two nice kids
like you doing with
a gun—
We're being
kidnapped by
the Ku Fucks
Klan.

I'm gonna
do it.
What am I doing
WHAT AM I DOING

Wait—

It's not even a


real gun...
—back!

Ahh! Don’t
point it at m—
Jesus, is
that vibra—
Give it—

-mmm h
ohhh

Whoa.

And just like


Wow, it that, they
were out of
The Quiet.

The Are you —did


gun-shaped that just
sex toy saves happen—
—I know—
the day.
Apparently if
you're a
kidnapping —I know—
sex fascist,
that's your This fucking guy.
dildo-jam.

—Careful
careful—

This fucking
guy and I...

..took off.
Suze, c'mon, we
should be—
Whoa whoa
wait—

No. No.

How did
they know what I want to
we were doing? learn more
How did they about these
know where to assholes.
find us?

We went from
thinking we were They
alone with this clearly know
thing of ours and more about
now there's us, and The Quiet than
there's them? we do.

And so we ran.

We ran as far and


as fast as we could.

Our worlds had just gotten


bigger and smaller at the
same time.

So we ran.

Like a couple of
goddamn criminals.
MATT & CHIP’S ULTIMATE
SEX MOVES
OUR MASTER LIST OF WHAT DID (AND DIDN’T)
MAKE THE CUT IN THE WASHROOM STALL
BARTON RE-THINK
In issue three, Suzie & Jon partake in the viewing of an erotic
film entitled HARD-ON FINK. Matt, being a fan of its non-erotic
spoof, Barton Fink*, had a few more dialogue options to use for
the scene. Here is what did not make the cut.

I hope these
Jesus, blow are your shoes.
a cock in here, Because that
you'll hit one. And Okay. Yes.
would mean they
do me a favor, gave you mine,
Fink: Blow it and came on
hard. them.

You'll lick this You are


"picture business," Okay. drippin', sir. Yes.
believe me.

...On behalf of
Crapitol Pictures, the
I can feel my
administration, and all of
butt getting sore Yes. Okay.
the stockholders, please
already.
accept this blow job as a
symbol of our apology
and respect.
STEAMING
RADIO
While promoting the first issue of SEX
CRIMINALS, Matt & Chip created an original
radio erotic drama for the literary website,
Hazlitt. This is it, I guess.

CHIP: (Dialing number (multiple CHIP: I’m … pretty sure you’re a MATT: Oh no! It took sooo long
beeps) while softly singing man. to button!
“Tears in Heaven” to self)
MATT: Ok, first off, that’s just CHIP: —And under it I see your
AUTOMATED LADY VOICE: straight-up misandry. Second, huge nipples ready to just
Welcome to Night Moves, where gender is a societal construct BURST out of your custom
sssexy ladies grab you with their defined by each of us in our own leather bra, you—
sssexy voices and make you minds and not by society's
dump your stuff all over the darn precepts, and lastly, yes, I’m a MATT: Wait, is that a thing?
place. Press 1 for sssexy Linda, man. And now thanks to Leather bras?
an exotic, dark-skinned beauty Affirmative Action, straight white
up all night with a tummy full of men like me have just as many CHIP: I…yeah. Yeah.
gas station dendrobium, locked opportunities in the workplace
MATT: That sounds like it would
inside of a Nursing School in as lady-women like the "old"
be incredibly sweaty and, I don't
Winni—(Beep from a button Linda. So: is your Dutch Baby
know, a little *uptown* for a
pressed) buttered and out of the oven?
Winnipeggian at Nursing School.
(MATT clears throat) CHIP: I don’t…I don’t want this.
CHIP: A girl I used to date wore
CHIP: H-hello?… MATT: Look, your credit card’s them. Not ALL the time, but
already been charged for, like, yeah, they exist.
MATT: What's your name? five minutes. You really want to
(long pause)
fight with your bank about it?
CHIP: Hello?
MATT: (Back on script) Oooh,
CHIP: …No, I guess not. It just—
MATT: What's your NAME. baby, my basement is tepid and
all right. Okay. Go ahead.
soggy like a terrarium
CHIP: …Steve? MATT: Okay. Good. … Here goes abandoned in the event of
… are you ready? (Clears throat) nuclear holocaust. Stand over
MATT: (On script) Hiii Steve. me and demand to inspect my
Hey there. My name’s Linda. I’ve
Welcome to Night Moves, my lady-curtains.
been incredibly naughty. I
name is Linda. I’m pretty horny
misplaced all those shiny new
let me tell you, but my dorm CHIP: Shuh … show me your
highlighters from the office
room key won't fit in any of lady curtains?
supply store and now Mr.
these slippery locks. My ulnar
McKelvie wants to "dock" my MATT: MMM, honey, not only do
collateral ligament, in relation
“pay.” Do YOU want to "dock" these curtains not match the
with my tri --
my wet little “pay?” carpet, but there aren't even any
CHIP: Um, excuse me? windows. So I hike up my skirt
CHIP: …Oooh, yeah. I’d love to
and I'm just oozing with
MATT: Yeah? just grab your beautiful, shiny
seriochemicals that drive your
lady hairs and toss you onto the
inner Asian elephant
CHIP: Are you L-Linda? bed. Then I'd tear open that
CRAY-CRAY.
sensible Nursing School blouse
MATT: Sure. of yours. CHIP: Your…your lady curtains
are soaking through your
underparts, which are like…like t-shirt cannon arming my lower
paper towels after you spill your ramparts. MATT: You—a man—frequently
beer, just…just falling apart. Low masturbate men.
quality. Discount underpants. CHIP: …Yes, sure, that.
CHIP: I don't know if seven or
MATT: My student loans are MATT: Well, Chip, I'm going to eight times a day qualifies as
fucking brutal! So I buy them in ask you something. "frequent" but --
bulk, but now they're dissolving
in my hands, hands which are CHIP: I didn't tell you my real MATT: Don't deny it! Do you, a
now free to go inside my eager na— male man—
body and spelunk for feminine
MATT: Chip, have you ever… CHIP: How did you know I was a
doubloons of ecstasy.
*enthusiastically greeted the mailman?
CHIP (Into it): Yeah, that’s…that’s bishop after Sunday services*?
MATT: —take a penis in your
pretty good, Linda.
CHIP: Do you mean…have I ever hand and manually manipulate it
MATT: Mouth-whoopee or manipulated the stock market? to the point of orgasm?
hand-gladdening?
MATT: Yes. Are you a *digital (Long pause)
CHIP: I — what? downloader*.
CHIP: Oh my god.
MATT: Mouth-whoopee or CHIP: A *Fan of Tango and
Cash.* MATT: Yep.
hand-gladdening?
MATT: Have you ever *stabbed CHIP: I'm GAY.
CHIP: I don't know what you’re...
Cthulhu with a dirk fashioned
from the blackened tears of the MATT: We're all gay, Chip. Even
MATT: Your man-danglings—
would you like me to ancient elders.* me. Even if it's only for seven or
mouth-whoopee on them or to eight times a day.
share with you a festive CHIP: Oh, sure. I beat off like an
angry chimp at the porno zoo. CHIP: I feel so free.
hand-gladdening?
It’s…kind of why I’m calling you.
MATT: That's great.
(Long pause)
MATT: Okay cool, so—so do you
CHIP: So liberated.
MATT: What are you going to do define your gender as "male"?
with your dick? MATT: Sure.
CHIP: Yes?
CHIP: I’m, uh, going to pull it out CHIP: Maybe I should just get off
of my pants and…and maybe let MATT: And you’re a man with
the phone and go experience
you suck it with your…mouth…for your very own "turgid podcast"?
some real, genuine man touch—
a bit?
CHIP: Yes.
AUTOMATED LADY VOICE: Your
MATT: (Chewing food) Mmm, first five minutes are up. If you
MATT: And have you ever tickled
yummy yummy in my tummy. wish to continue at $3.99 a
your little Elia Kazan until he
Like a $10 fat ballgame sausage. minute, please press 1, or
testifies before the HUAC in
Man, it's even bigger than mine. hang up.
parabolic arcs of informative
CHIP: I…can’t! Your voice! It’s white gravy?
(Pause)
just…just ruining the illusion. I’m
CHIP: Well, if you must be
sorry. Your first five minutes are—
VULGAR, yes.
MATT: Because you know I’m a (BEEP)
MATT: So you knowingly let a
man.
man's hand come in contact with
CHIP: Yes! your Yellow Submarine.

MATT: A man…with a white-hot CHIP: What?


MAKIN’ How do comics get made? Where do
babies come from? Surprisingly, both
answers are the same: lots of fucking

SAUSAGE work! Here, Chip breaks down the


process for creating a magical panel!

1: SCRIPT
Matt sends me the script and
I read it and I laugh and I cry
1
and it becomes a part of me.
And then I realize he’s set
half the story in a cluttered
porn shop and I hate him so
much but he’s so pretty how
can I hate him for long?

2: LAYOUTS
I go through the script and
make layouts for it in
Photoshop. It’s relatively
2
easy, because Matt’s written
the script with a specific
eight-panel grid in mind,
because he likes to make my
job easier except for setting
things in that fucking porn
shop oh he’s so pretty.

3: PENCILS
I have an evening where I
shoot as much reference as
possible with my two main
models, Tiffy and Alex. We
drink and eat and laugh and
simulate lovemaking.
Sometimes I just rely on my
own stunning body, as
evidenced below for this

3
panel.

For reference I use Google


Maps to find buildings and
Sketchup to find and arrange
cars, then I start pencilling in
Manga Studio.
I bought a Cintiq pen display
4 and Manga Studio when I
realized I’d be doing a full
comic project, and they’ve
been craaaazy invaluable.
#promotedparagraph

4: INKS
It’s so funny to call these
“pencils” and “inks,” but
what else am I going to do?
I’m an old man trapped in
your fancy compooper age.
So, yeah, I ink it in
Manga Studio.

5: COLOURS
Yeah, that’s right. I just spelt
it with a “u.” This is my
fucking section and I’m
a Canadian.
5 So, I send the inks to a
colour flatter, and they assist
me by filling in distinct
shapes with flat blocks of
colour. It makes it a lot faster
to colour when you can just
select shapes and start
colouring instead of trying to
draw within the lines. If ever I
have a kid I will teach them
to hire someone to colour
within the lines. Kindergarten
Kapitalism.

6: THE QUIET
Once I’ve coloured it, I then
render the effects for The
Quiet. It’s a ludicrous number
of layers, but it’s worth it, I

6,7 guess. I don’t know. Maybe


it’s not. Maybe I’m wasting
my life.

7: LETTERING
& EDITS
When we started the comic I
spent a couple of days
turning my handwriting into a
font. I call it “Comic Avec.”
So, yeah, I then letter and
send the page to Matt and
our editor, Tommy K, with my
dumb notes, like, “can we
change ‘coming’ to
‘cumming’?” and they just
fucking ignore me.
PHOTO
For the fourth printing of issue one, Matt and
Chip decided to try something different: a photo
cover of them as proud parents to the first

SWAP
printing. But they live in different cities! How did
they do it? Magic? Photoshop? I guess we’ll
never know unless we read below.

1. Yes, it was Photoshop.


Before bed one night,
Chip did a rough sketch
1 2
for Matt, showing him how
to pose for the cover, with
very helpful labeling.

2. While Chip slept like a


bearded Canadian baby
on the East Coast, Matt
posed with a “friend” he
found and sent images to
Chip from the West Coast,
showing that the great
East-West divide could be
conquered.

3. Chip woke up to
emails from his mommy, a
penis pill company
partially owned by his
mommy, and Matt. After
reviewing the photo, Chip
3 4
got his long-suffering
girlfriend to take photos
to match Matt’s, only the
fifth-strangest photo
request she’s ever had
from Chip.

4. A couple of hours
later and, voila! Done!
Chip is especially speedy
at photo manipulation
from his years of
photoshopping his penis
to look “more cool” in
online dating profiles
(simplyredfan69).

COVER Starting on the opposing page, we’re proud to present some


of our favourite covers from the various reprints and variants
we’ve done on our issues to date! In order, they’re:

GALLERY! #1 fourth printing (photo cover), #1 Forbidden Planet variant,


#1 Ghost variant (Yuko Shimizu), #1 EH! variant, #1 Image Expo
variant, #2 fourth printing, #3 second printing (TIME), #3 third
printing (Queen tribute), #4 second printing
FROM THE WRITER OF “HAWKEYE” AND “INHUMAN”
AND THE GUY WHO TALKS TO APPLEBEE’S ON FACEBOOK

1
FOURTH PRINTING
SEX
CRIMINALS
FRACTION ZDARSKY

1
SUZIE
DOWN IN
THE QUIET

EH!
VARIANT
IMAGE SEXPO VARIANT

1
FOURTH PRINTING

2
ISSUE THREE, SECOND PRINTING JANUARY, 2014

SEX
TIME MAGAZINE’S
COMIC OF THE YEAR

CRIMINALS

JON & SUZIE:


Will they or won’t they?
(Again.)
(They will.)
(They ARE.)
BY MATT FRACTION & CHIP ZDARSKY
(WILL THEY OR WON’T THEY?)

IMAGECOMICS.COM
3
THIRD PRINTING
SECOND PRINTING

4
SEX
POLICE
Matt Fraction writes comic books
out in the woods. He won the first-ever
PEN USA Literary Award for Graphic
Novels; he or comics he’s a part of have
won Eisners, Harveys, and Eagles,
which are like the Oscars, Emmys and
Golden Globes of comic books and all
seem about as likely. He’s a New York
Times-best-selling donkus of things like
Hawkeye, Casanova, and Satellite Sam.
He has Prince’s cell phone number.

Chip Zdarsky is the creator of the


popular character “Stan Lee” and
inventor of the unpopular sex move
“The Crying Zdarsky.” For the last ten
years he’s been a staff writer and
illustrator for the National Post
newspaper in Canada, under the clearly
made-up name Steve Murray, where he
is known for his dumb stunts and
weekly column, Extremely Bad Advice.
His comic work includes Prison Funnies,
Monster Cops and an awkward issue of
Vampirella. He lives in Toronto.
RATED M / MATURE
SCIENCE FICTION
IMAGECOMICS.COM