Children and Loss

Introduction

Family

Today, the very shape, size, and the configuration of children and adults that reside in
families are as varied as one’s imagination. The modern family stands in stark contrast
to the 1950s idealised image of the “traditional family.” While some may regret the
transformation, the truth is that families have always been in flux…changing and
adapting to society’s needs and circumstances.

Children can be the ultimate gift of family. They are born innocent, vulnerable, and
capable of unbelievable love. They are the future of humankind.

Wisdom suggests that society must pay attention to the emotional well being of its
children. If we do not make children and teens our highest priority then society will reap
the harvest of its neglect. More than ever, the daily pressures on mothers, fathers,
extended family and caregivers require that the wider community offers support and
services to strengthen the family unit especially during times of crisis and significant
loss.

Whether you are a biological parent, adopted parent, step-parent, foster-parent,

grandparent, relative or loving caregiver …embrace the relationship with each child in
your care as a lifelong commitment - not as cautionary or temporary but forever! Each
child instinctively feels your steadfastness. This is critical for a child who has
experienced life-altering loss or change in their family to be able to survive and thrive.

Being a child’s lifelong companion is exhausting and exhilarating. The essence of our
commitment is that we are creating and molding humanity...the future of the world!

If you are reading this publication, you may have heard of Rainbows or enrolled a child
or teenager in one of Rainbows programs. Rainbows, founded in 1983, is an
international grief-support charity for children and young people who are confronting a
significant loss or painful transition in their lives. Rainbows offers support and guidance
as your child journeys through the often treacherous path of grief towards reconciliation
of their loss into their ordinary days. Rainbows provides the bridge to emotional
wellbeing. These peer-support programmes provide the participants with the
opportunity to share and resolve their feelings in an accepting, non-judgmental
environment.

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To carry out this mission, Rainbows has developed age-directed programs:

 SunBeams
 Rainbows
 Spectrum
 Kaleidoscope

A loss experience such as death, divorce or separations can be classified as a crisis

that thrusts us into grief -- young and old alike. Years ago, the word grief or
bereavement was only linked to death. Fortunately, it is now commonly understood that
when there is a significant change in one’s life we grieve. Grief is a constellation of
feelings that accompany a significant loss or change in our lives. Furthermore, even
happy changes can trigger the emotions of loss because you are letting go of something
you love or deeply care about to grab hold of something new.

Grief is emotional, physical, and spiritual. It happens inside, where our feelings live.
We cannot think about grief; we can only feel it. Grief is not just one or two feelings
but rather an assortment of feelings...often conflicting. These emotions are so deep
and powerful that at times you think you are losing your mind. This is especially true
when you have no one to talk to about what has happened to you.

When something meaningful impacts a member of the family, everyone is affected –all
in different ways. While a powerful event such as a separation or divorce seems to be
the adult's problem, it has a profound effect on the children it touches. Children grieve
during these times just as their parents and caregivers do. Grief is an expression of
love or attachment for someone or something that has changed or has been taken
from us. Even the youngest of children grieve…if you are able to love you are able to
grieve.

Throughout life there are many turning points or crises that may trigger grief. When
there are such losses, the grief process must be allowed to happen. If it is ignored or
"buried" within (pretending everything is okay), it becomes what is called "unresolved
grief" and this could have a destructive effect on one's life.

This is true for adults and it is equally true for a child or adolescent. All too often in the
midst of a crisis or dramatic change, adults are told not to be concerned about the
children – “They are resilient” or “too young to grasp the magnitude of what has
happened”. As a result, the children are confused and frightened. The very people –
parents or caregivers -- who they depend on and trust for protection and honesty are
avoiding any discussion of an event that has turned their lives upside down.

Children are filled with worry and questions. They can’t envision what life is going to
look and feel like from now on. They worry about who is going to take care of them.
They fear they may have caused the crisis. Yet, no one talks about the situation; no one
asks them how they feel about it. While children worry, adults pretend everything’s fine.
Adults may think they’re helping the children by avoiding a painful topic, but they’re
actually making things worse. The message that silence conveys to the child is simple:
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there must be something wrong with me if I’m upset and sad when no one else is
feeling this way. Under these circumstances, the struggling child is unlikely to talk
about his inner most fears and concerns and to bring up the topic of the loss event.

An outline of children’s grief

Children, like adults experience a series of emotions when they grieve. Grief is:
personal; individual; and usually defies logic. Each person’s grief experience is
universal, yet it remains as unique as her fingerprints.

Childrens’ grief is different than adults; it plunges deeper, spreads wider; and is revisited
at most developmental benchmarks, such as birthdays, Christmas,
communion/confirmation, graduations or weddings. Children’s grief can swing back and
forth, in and out in a matter of moments between extremes of sadness to carefree play
and back again.

Common responses:

Denial – “It's not true!” “It is no big deal.”

This phase is a buffer; it creates a safety zone where the child can escape from the
painful realty until he is ready to absorb the painful truth.

Bargaining – “I’ll behave.”—“I promise to keep my room clean.”

Children think they have the power to change or fix anything. It is part of that stage in
a child’s life when they believe the world revolves around them. They will try to do
whatever it takes to make things right again.

Guilt- “It's my fault.”

Children honestly believe that if they had behaved differently, this crisis would not have
occurred. If parents and caregivers are not honest about the loss event, children and
teens make up their own fantasies which are often more frightening than the truth and
see themselves as having a major role in the drama. Furthermore, if the child has not
had the loss explained in a way they can comprehend, magical thinking comes into
play…the child attempts to make order out of the chaos. Often, this is more
traumatising for the kids than the truth.

Fear – “What about me?” -- “Who is going to care for me?”

When a crisis occurs, children see and experience the exhaustion and/or anxiety in their
parents or caregivers. They worry about who is going to take care of their needs. Their
fears extend from: Who will make me dinner tonight? to Where will I be living? or How
will I celebrate my birthday this year?

Anger – “I hate you!” -- “Why me? Why my family?”

Anger is a normal reaction to loss. It is integral to the grieving process. Why shouldn’t
you be enraged that someone or something you loved has been taken from you? As
time passes, anger that is not acknowledged and/or properly channeled intensifies and

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can become unmanageable.

Isolation – “I have no one to talk to.” “Everyone is too busy or upset to talk with me.”
A conspiracy of silence often descends on a family following a major loss or change.
All too often, parents and caregivers have been told that kids are resilient and will
bounce back quickly from this loss. Or that talking to them will be too upsetting. So no
one says anything. Instead of asking a child how he or she feels, adults use grades or
activities as a measuring stick of how a child is reacting to or recovering from a major
loss.

Pining – “I miss you”.

Even a simple loss can make a child ache for what is missing or changed. Familiarity of
surroundings and beloved family are security for children, no matter their age.

Confusion – “I don’t know where I belong”.

Children of loss often face an avalanche of change in their lives. As the landscape
shifts around them, they worry about what else will go wrong. The firm foundation of
family has crumbled under their feet, leaving them in an emotional free fall.

Depression and Sadness – “Why bother?”

A significant loss sends a child’s world spinning out of control. Everything she has held
as normal or stable shifts or changes. Realising she will never recapture what has been
lost, the child is filled with sadness. This usually signals that reality is settling in.

Integration – “I am going to be okay”.

Integration of a loss comes after all of the pain of loss has been dealt with in a healthy
way. Integration can occur only if the grieving child has been taught the skills to
incorporate his loss into his ordinary days. Integration means being able to live with
the change comfortably. It is a time when the past is no longer dwelt upon and the
future holds hope once again.

Emotions of grief must be acknowledged. Denied or ignored, they remain buried

inside where they will haunt the child throughout her lifetime. At some point while
growing up or well into adulthood, these unspoken emotions of loss will emerge. All
too often they are then expressed through alcohol or drug abuse, depression, illness,
fear of relationships, or unbridled anger.

The grieving process cannot be rushed. It is a personal journey for each person, and it
will take as long as it takes. Patience and encouragement are critical during this time.

One of the best ways to move through grief is to share your story - what exactly
happened and how you felt with someone you can trust. It is also important to read
books and articles that address the issues being faced. Participating in a support
group with others experiencing the same struggles and feelings, is most beneficial.

For a child to survive emotionally (and even physically) from a life-changing event, he
needs sufficient time to mourn the profound loss. Young children often do not possess
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the vocabulary to put into words the intense hurt that they are experiencing. They
need the emotional support and even physical comfort that caring adults can provide,
while they express their anger, cry, and sort through the confusion. Children and teens
deserve and require being called by name, looked into their eyes, and be listened to as
they share their story. They must have their feelings acknowledged. This allows a
gentle healing process to begin.

It is a real possibility for these children to weather the storm and grow into happy,
healthy, resilient adults. For this to happen, care, understanding, emotional
support, and love need to be present for them. Ideally, the mother and/or father
should be the people providing this support. This isn't always possible because even
the most caring of parents are in too much of their own pain to be able to help their
children initially.

Caring, nurturing adults can fill this need by being available for the child, talking and
listening to him. It is imperative that the child talk about what has happened, and
more especially, how he feels about it. Otherwise, the anger and sadness will be
carried into this child's adult life.

Preparing children for a significant loss or life change

Every newborn enters the world with a fear of abandonment that gradually diminishes
as the parents fulfill the child's needs for nourishment, physical well-being, and
unconditional love.

A child's first teachers are their Mam and Dad. Parents teach their child her first words,
physical movement, how to relate, and how to love. As children grow physically and
emotionally, they develop feelings of security, of being loved, and of loving others.
Because family is where these feelings originate, each child views herself and the world
around them through the eyes of her family. Each child's identity is fashioned in his or
her family unit.

Children naturally assume that they will be growing up in a family...that their parents
will always be living with them keeping them safe, healthy and emotionally secure.
When a child is told his life is about to change dramatically, the child cannot imagine
what will happen next. He can’t envision life differently. Hearing the news can make
him feel scared, confused, sad or angry. Preparing your child for a life-altering
situation is the most difficult conversation you will ever have with your child.

Since it is natural for adults to want to protect children from painful events, our instinct
is to delay telling our child of the impending separation, divorce, death or significant
change. We forget, though, our child has ears that overhear “adult conversations” and
eyes that see our pain.

Children are perceptive and aware of tension, sadness, or anger. It is scary for a child
to know that something terrible is happening in the family and that the very people she

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trusts will not talk about it. So the sooner we talk with our child the better. When we
hold off delivering the painful news, we risk that our children will attempt to make
sense out of what they are feeling by filling in the gaps with their own imagined
explanations. And these are often far worse than the truth.

Without a doubt, this conversation will be awkward and powerful. We are setting the
foundation of honesty with our children. It actually has the potential to give them
strength and help to bring some order to this chaos.

Your own feelings and strong emotions about the situation must be taken into
consideration as well. How you feel about separation/divorce/death can complicate
and overshadow this important conversation. Some areas of concern to work through
before sitting with the child are:

1. Are you feeling guilty or anxious?

2. Are you feeling abandoned or relieved?
3. Are you blaming and want to get even?
4. Are you concerned about crying?
5. Do you have expectations as to how the child needs to respond?

It would be beneficial for you to discuss your issues with a trusting, objective friend or
counselor before you talks to your child.

As the parent, extended family, or caregiver, it is imperative that you remain

non-judgmental, speak calmly and clearly during this pain-filled discussion. While you
are surrounding your child with a calming, protective atmosphere, you can certainly
convey your deep sadness and this can include tears. Tears not only speak of
everyone’s profound sadness but they can bring relief. As well as listening to what you
say, your child will watch how you grieve this loss...

Ideally, the news of an impending change, separation, divorce, or death is best shared
by both parents if that is at all possible. The history of trust, concern, and involvement
that the parents have with the child will be important during this time of crisis. The
parents can clearly convey their love for, involvement with, and acceptance of the child.
The parents need to share that these will continue even though Mam and Dad will no
longer be living together.

Separation/divorce/significant change

Checklist: how to tell your child:

1. Children can accept the truth of what is about to happen when:

2. It is told to them by someone they know and trust.

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 3. They receive current, accurate information as soon as possible. Remember, they
have probably already "felt" that something was happening.

4. The child is allowed to freely ask questions.

5. The child is asked about his needs and wishes during this changing time.

6. There are no negative comments, stories or accusations of their other parent or

family member. If a child asks a question about the other parent, the listening
parent needs to defer answering to the other parent.

7. If the child asks what has happened to the relationship/marriage, you simply
answer while keeping in mind the age of the child who is asking the question.
Quite possibly the reasons have already become clear to the child through
overhearing arguments, comments or telephone conversations. A response that
is truthful and yet not accusatory, could be, "Mam and Dad have grown in
different directions and living together is too difficult." If there has been history of
abuse, addiction, etc, in the relationship/marriage, those facts need to be told in a
caring way. These are emotional illnesses and need to be explained in such a
manner. Keep in mind that it hurts children to hear negative things about a
parent.

8. Children must be told repeatedly that they will always be loved by their Mam and
Dad. This is a bond that never can be broken. This is a major concern!

9. The physical setting is important. The place should be familiar and free of
distractions. You want to create an atmosphere in which the child will be
comfortable in sharing his thoughts and emotions.

10. Physical touch is comforting. An arm around a shoulder, touching hands, holding
young children on your lap is very soothing at this time.

11. Begin by talking about events the child may have already noticed, i.e. arguments,
tears, sleeping in separate rooms. By beginning with facts the child has already
experienced, it is harder for the child to deny the impending reality. Possibly, the
reasons have already become clear to the child through overhearing arguments,
comments or telephone conversations. Children want to believe their parents are
perfect and are quick to edit out Mam or Dad's failings/mistakes.

12. Encourage the child to ask questions. If there is a question that is too personal or
painful to answer, explain that to them.

13. Assure the child that the separation, divorce or change has nothing to do with
her. Developmentally, most children believe that the world revolves around them.
Therefore, they may believe that if they had gotten better grades, cleaned their
room, not argued with their siblings, etc., this painful event would not be
happening.
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 14. Understand that your child will be hurt deeply when he is told of the separation or
divorce. Remember that Mam and Dad - the two people he loves most in the
world are no longer a couple or care about each other.

15. When planning where children will reside, imagine how they will feel. Give these
feelings a place of priority through the adult decision making process.

16. Purchase or borrow from the library, age-appropriate books on the experience
your child is going through.

How children respond:

Children of loss usually have three, often unasked questions, when told of an impending
significant change:

 "Did I cause this?" Even though you have initially stated to the child this event is
not their fault. Their guilt remains a nagging concern for a long time.

 "Who will keep me safe?" Children from little on have felt the security of two
people taking care of them. Now this is drastically changing. This is a
fundamental anxiety of all children...even adolescents. While the teen seemingly
is pulling away from the family, he still wants to know there is a protective haven
to return to when it gets to frightening or a problem arises.

 "Is this going to happen to me too?" History repeating itself with the inherent
pain that separation/ divorce / loss cause is a major concern. As parents or
caregivers, we can use our experience as a teaching tool to assist our child in
becoming discerning adults.

What children need to hear:

 The family is still family. Some members of this family will be living in another
place. Extended family -- grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins -- are still part of
the family.

 The child in no way caused the family unit to change.

 Mam and Dad will continue to love, care and provide for the child unconditionally.

 When the marriage took place, there never was any intention to
divorce/separate. But the bond/ marriage was unable to last even though many
efforts were made to sustain the relationship. The decision to divorce or separate
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 was not done easily and as a parent you deeply regret the pain it is causing the
family members.

 Every effort will be made that as much of the child's life will remain as unaffected
as possible by this significant change. Routine is really important in a child’s life
and supports and increases security.

Given ongoing support, encouragement, and love, a child can survive

divorce/separation/change/ loss. This experience can be used as a learning tool that
helps prepare her for future loss events. Over time, she will face other losses. With
proper guidance, each painful situation a child experiences can boost her ability to
handle the next challenge that life brings.

Children and death

Through the years, very little research has focused on the feelings children and
adolescents experience when death takes a loved one from them.

The assumption was that there was no emotional impact on infants and toddlers
because they were unable to verbalise their feelings or cognitively understand the
concept of death.

Children between 4 and 12 were considered resilient and immune to the painful
emotions of death. Since the children did not ask questions or talk about the death,
researchers assumed that they were fine. Adults were led to believe that bringing up
the subject would be too upsetting to children.

Adolescence or young adulthood was considered time enough to discuss death,

because at that age children could “understand" why someone had died and thus
wouldn’t be upset by the event. All too often, well meaning friends or family will tell
children to "be strong" for their parent during such a pain full time. Consequently,
youth are left with no appropriate outlet for the intense grief feelings brought on by
their loss. And in fact, in most cases, they are left on their own, to carry on as if nothing
has happened.

The child's capacity to cope with a death depends on many factors:

 The relationship to the person who died

 The type of death
 Previous death experiences
 The family’s ability to communicate with one another
 The child's developmental stage
 The family’s socio-cultural and religious beliefs and factors

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Age level comprehension to death

Birth – 5 years

1. Child needs care, protection and the presence of a familiar nurturing adult.
2. Child cannot comprehend space or time. Consequently, the term "final" is
3. meaningless. Death is understood to be temporary.
4. Child will act out feelings or act as if nothing has changed.

6 – 9 years old

1. Child thinks of death as a person (ghost) to be outsmarted.

2. Child views death as punishment for being naughty.
3. Child can become preoccupied with death

10 – adult

1. Child begins to understand the concept of death and even ponder afterlife.
2. Child begins to believe that death is irreversible and that biological functions
cease.

How to prepare a child for death

 Tell the child as soon as possible when a death has occurred or is imminent.

 Ask the child what death means to him.

 Answer the child's questions honestly but do not elaborate

 Assure the child that she could never be the cause of death

 If possible, take the child to a cemetery and funeral home before a death occurs.

 Use this experience to open the door of communication about what happens
when someone dies.

 It is okay to cry together. Tears strengthen the bond between adult and child.

 If your child does not talk about the death now or later on, do not assume the
child is handling it all "just fine". It is in the talking out of feelings that the
healing and understanding occurs.

 Ask children to share their feelings, fears, and questions with you. Listen and
affirm.

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  Never tell the children not to worry because you will never die. Talk about death
as the final stage of life.

The best way to explain death to children

Death is best explained with a matter of fact approach – it is a biological process. The
body stops working. You no longer think, feel or communicate. Death is final. It is not
reversible. Do not compare to sleeping - a fear of sleeping may be created.

Tell the truth as best as you know it. Fears and fantasies are more troubling. You want
to give the children the message that there is nothing too terrible or too sad to talk
about. Encourage the expressing of all feelings. The insights you will gain will enable
you to respond sensitively to their needs.

Keep in mind too, that the concept of death is difficult for children to comprehend.
Consequently, the children may ask the same questions again and again. This does
not mean that your answer hasn't been helpful. It expresses a child's need for
reassurance with the confusion and fear.

Children are often greatly helped to accept death by saying a good-by, either by
participating in the funeral services, or drawing pictures or cards for example.
Emphasize that people who are loved and cared about are kept in memories.
Encourage the children to cry, both boys and girls. Children will grieve over and over
again whenever the person who died would have been present for a special occasion
or at significant developmental benchmarks.

Young children are often boisterous or mischievous. The adolescents may be antisocial
or truant. Each person expresses grief differently. While this behavior may seem
inappropriate...it is normal.

Age level needs and reactions to significant loss

Children respond almost universally to significant loss. Reactions and needs vary by
age more than by the nature of the loss event.

Birth – 18 months

Normal Needs and Behaviours

 needs nurturing care and protection.
 needs closeness to their primary caretakers
 consistency in environment and routines.

Troubled Reactions
 disturbed sleeping patterns
 eating changes
 clinging to caretaker
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  lethargy

Parent/Caregiver’s Response
 maintain consistency in environment and caretaking
 keep the atmosphere calming (no arguing)
 gradually make any adaptations to change in lifestyle
 minimal separation from primary caretaker

Toddler (18 months – 2 years)

Normal Needs and Behaviours

 fears losing primary caretaker's love
 don't cope well with multiple changes
 self-centered
 keenly aware of non-verbal expressions
 home and family are important; toddlers begin to realize that a family member is
 missing from their lives
 unable to verbalise feelings, consequently act them out in misbehavior /
 disobedience
 bewilderment

Troubled Reaction
 irritability
 anxiety
 regression in behaviors; bedwetting, thumb-sucking
 clingy, insatiable demands for affection and approval
 daily asking for parent that is not present
 physical aggression; hitting, biting, bullying

Parent / Caregiver’s Response

 nurture abundantly with holding, caressing, cuddling
 assure consistently of your love
 Separation from primary caretaker is limited
 consistency in routines
 teach appropriate ways to release hostility / frustration
 Simple explanations of divorce enforcing it is not their fault
 spend meaningful time with each parent as frequently as possible

3 – 6 years

Normal Needs and Behaviors

 realize that they are separate from others
 self-centered
 realize someone is missing in family unit
 blames self; believe their actions control others behavior
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  identify with opposite sex parent
 maintains fantasies of non-custodial parent's return
 fears abandonment
 crying
 yearning for absent parent

Troubled Reaction
 regression in behavior, bed wetting, thumb sucking
 irritable
 aggression and hostility

Parent / Caregiver’s Response

 attention
 nurturing through cuddling
 explain changes that are occurring
 teach appropriate ways to release hostility, aggression
 reassure parent's love

7 – 10 years

Normal Needs and Behaviours

prevailing sadness, increased crying or withdrawal
 fear of the future; concerns about money, food, shelter
 self conscious about family being different
 conflict in loyalties
 reconciliation fantasies

Troubled Reactions
 diminished school work
 conflict with friends
 angry and blame parent they are living with or visiting
 problem with self-identity
 insatiable hunger for things, i.e. bicycles, clothes, money
 wrestles with relationship of non-custodial parent

Parent / Caregiver’s Response

 constant reassurance both physically and verbally
 maintain consistent routine
 talk to teachers
 ask family and/or friends to give additional support
 teach appropriate ways of acting out aggression

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11 – 13 years

Normal Needs and Behaviors

 extreme anger often covering intense emotional pain
 shame that their family is different or changed
 loyalty conflicts
 suffering a loss of identity; low self-esteem
 insecure; vulnerable
 depression
 empathetic to one parent
 loneliness
 headaches, stomach aches
 worry about custody arrangements
 busy themselves with activities and friends seeking approval
 feels powerless over their life

Troubled Reactions
 withdraws from friends and activities
 academic decline/indifference
 lying
 hostility toward one parent
 demanding adult explanations
 stealing/shoplifting
 cheating
 drug/alcohol abuse

Parents Response
 create times for communication
 honestly answer their questions
 affirm child’s feelings and teach better coping methods
 seek help from counselors/therapists
 encourage healthy adult friendships, i.e. coach, teacher
 allow some freedom and choice making
 make home a comfortable place to be/nurturing

14 – 20 years

Normal Needs and Behaviors

 feels caught in the middle
 express much negativity
 frequent mood swings
 overwhelmed with additional responsibility
 outward denial of inner turmoil
 loyalty conflicts
 embarrassment of parents' obvious sexuality/dating
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  dependent/independent conflicts
 needs peer approval; prefers friends over family
 sensitive to family tensions/visitation
 wants to compensate feelings of loss with more "things"
 fears parental illness* tests limits

Troubled Reactions
 Drug/alcohol use
 gang involvement
 sexual activity
 decline in academic performance
 severe depression/withdrawal from family or friends
 violence, aggression to self or others

Parents Response
 seek outside counseling/therapy
 reassure of love and concern
 set clear fair limits and expectations
 create times for communication and attention
 ask family/friends to add support to adolescent

Feelings

Feelings are as natural and integral a part of us as our hair or our eyes. Everyone has
them...lots of them. Feelings are as essential to our well-being as breathing.

It is important to understand that feelings are never right or wrong, good or bad. They
just are! We cannot prevent a feeling from existing inside of us. We can only control
how we express that feeling or show that feeling to others.

Feelings are different than thoughts...yet connected to our bodies. For instance, if you
look at your watch and realise that traffic has slowed you down, you know that you will
be late for your appointment. This can cause you to feel apprehensive which can cause
your heart to race or your stomach to ache. As human beings we are unique in that we
are connected to ourselves...spiritually, mentally and physically.

There are two basic feelings or emotions - joyful and painful. Joyful feelings provide a
sense of strength, wholeness or well-being. Painful feelings cause us to feel drained,
empty, or alone. Yet, painful feelings, while being uncomfortable, are telling us
something. Such feelings are a message that something important may be happening
and needs our attention.

A feeling is something inside that is only shared on the outside. It is different than a
mood which is a feeling minus the words. We can only share a mood when it changes
into a feeling. We are born with five natural feelings: joy, sadness, anger, love and

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fear.

A child's response to feelings changes with age:

Birth - 3
Little children are unable to talk about their feelings. They are only capable
of expressing them in the present. They cannot distinguish between life and
death, one week or three weeks, yesterday and today.

4-5
Pre-school children begin to use words to describe their feelings along with
expressing them through their actions. It is important and necessary for a
significant adult to try to put into words what they think the child might be
feeling.

6-13
Primary age children begin to own their feelings, but the focus is on the
outside, i.e. "that makes me angry" instead of "I am angry".

14-17
Adolescent age children become capable of separating inner and outer
feelings.

18 +
Older adolescent-age children and young adults become capable of
explaining and owning their feelings.

Being aware of our feelings and their natural flow has several advantages. Our feelings
both warn us and assure us. They act as indicators of how we are at the moment or
over a stretch of time. They are a gauge of our being fully alive.

Feelings can be locked inside and consequently keep an experience very much alive. If
this is a pain filled emotion, the weight of it can drag us down year after year. To
prevent being diminished in any way it is important that we recognize that the feeling
exists, understand why it is there, talk about it with someone who is trustworthy, let go
of it, and move on.

Our feelings reflect the way we perceive ourselves and the world around us. Without
awareness of our feelings, we have no real awareness of life itself. We may be afraid to
express our honest feelings out of fear of rejection, ridicule, or losing control. Often
the negative feelings, such as anger, depression or loneliness, are buried deep inside.
These feelings are buried alive and in time will surface. Unfortunately, they may appear
when we least expect them and are least prepared to deal with them.

It is essential that we express our honest feelings. Feelings can keep people apart or
bring them together; they can build walls or build bridges. What is important is that
they are shared with a significant someone in our lives. The expression of feelings will
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not always change a situation, but it may change the understanding and attitude
regarding the situation.

After loss – change and multiple transitions

When a significant loss happens in our lives, we feel like life is out of focus. We are not
sure how to act, how to feel, how to respond, or even where we fit in. The very
foundation under us has been shaken and often broken into pieces.

It is important to sort through the scattered pieces of our lives and reassemble an
acceptable new world for ourselves. This can be extremely difficult to do when we may
be changing homes or jobs, or when our responsibilities have increased. Any puzzle is
easier to solve if we take it piece by piece. Adjustment after loss requires sorting out
many pieces. Because of this, the transition may take three to five years or possibly
longer. We must not limit ourselves on the length of time; rather we
must allow ourselves the time we need.

Life is change...filled with endings, beginnings and transitions. Some of these are
painful and some are a natural part of the cycle of life. During these periods of
adjustment, we are rebuilding an acceptable lifestyle in which to exist.

The question so often asked is, "How do I move through the changes successfully?"
When it seems that the rug has been pulled out from under you, just lying there seems
to be the only alternative.

However, there are concrete steps to rebuilding. These may be called the Actions of
Grief:

1. Believe it has happened - Some things that happen have no basis of logic.
Accepting this can prevent much bitterness and self-blame.

2. Acknowledge the pain - Society does not encourage us to feel pain of any type.
With grief, the only way to get beyond it is to go through it...admit that the pain is
there, feel it, lean in to it, do not avoid it. Experiencing the pain will free you of it.
Otherwise, it remains a heavy burden locked inside of your heart. Your story must
be told repeatedly.

3. Reach out - Make your needs known to your family and friends. Let them know
honestly what it is you need physically and emotionally. Remember, they cannot
read your mind. Loved ones can be a tremendous support when asked.

4. Share your thoughts and feelings - Do not keep them bottled up. Use good
judgment as to when and where. Talk, scream, and cry. Grief requires these
outlets.

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 5. Understand the process - Grief does not have a time table. It may take years to
heal. Allow yourself as long as it takes. Do not let others rush you.

6. Accept that life is for the living - All relationships take emotional and physical
energy. Put the energy that you gave the relationship that has ended into positive
directions. Get a job, start a new hobby, open your circle of friends.

Life will settle down and become livable again. Although it will be different, we may
discover that some of the changes are better than "the way things used to be."

In time, we may realise that we are better, stronger, and more caring because of all we
have gone through. Often, after transitions have happened, especially the painful
ones, we can look back and see the personal growth that has taken place. We can see
the rainbow after our family's storm. And we teach our children that we can thrive
through adversity.

Helpful Hints and Serious Suggestions

Bill of Rights for Children of Loss

 The right to openly express love for both Mam and Dad.

 The right to have the address and telephone number of the non-custodial parent.

 The right not to be blamed for the divorce/separation/ death.

 The right to be cared for properly, both emotionally and physically.

 The right to be listened to and accepted as a person with feelings and needs.

 The right not to be placed in the position of the "negative message carrier".

 The right not to be asked to be the "family spy".

 The right not to be told negative information about their parent or grandparent.

 The right to be informed of decisions that involve them and the reasons as to why
and how they were made.

 The right to honest answers to their questions

 The right not to be interrogated after a visit with the other parent.

 The right not to be asked to lie or cover up for a parent.

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  The right to the knowledge of the "nuts and bolts" of the custody arrangements.

 The right not to be used as a weapon of anger against the former spouse.

 The right to heal properly from the hurt and pain that accompanies loss.

 The right to remain active in your family of origin if it is healthy and safe.

 The right to understand that parents are human and are experiencing great hurt
too.

 The right to know, understand and believe that they are still part of a family.

 The right to be loved unconditionally.

Helpful Hints and Serious Suggestions

Single-Parents - Do's & Don'ts

Do:

 Work on the pain and hurt you are experiencing.

 Consider the children's feelings when designing the parenting time
arrangements.
 Continuously assure the children that they are loved always.
 Share your feelings without expecting the children to solve your problems.
 Work on a relationship with your former spouse / partner for the children.
 Stay active in your child’s life...don't give up. Remember, you are the adult!
 Keep your promises to your children and be on time. Children of all ages need
security.
 Establish two homes for the children: two pillows, clothes, toys, etc.
 Love your children; not only show them but also tell them.

Don’t:

 Question children after their visits with other parent or relatives.

 Have them carry messages between family members.
 Ask the children to make decisions that belong to adults, such as who to invite to
their graduation.
 Lie to children or ask them to take sides.
 Drop out of your children's lives...they will always need you.
 Expect them to accept changes involving them without considering their feelings
too.

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Rainbows
The core principle of Rainbows programmes is centered on trust, acceptance, and
sharing. Through a culture of openness, these programs enable those who are in grief
to better understand and express their feelings and to begin to move toward resolving
their loss.

When someone participates in a support group, it is common for the emotions that
have been kept under control to surface; tears will begin to flow; anger will emerge,
often inappropriately; feelings come pouring out; or questions are asked of parents or
caregivers. As these emotions begin to surface, Rainbows guides your child through
his or her grief offering them coping skills and strategies. The sooner the grief is dealt
with, the more easily the child adapts to life once again.

A look inside Rainbows

Each week the children participating in the Rainbows programs talk about a particular
issue surrounding their loss. While we tell the children that they are not to talk about
what other participants in their group talk about they are certainly encouraged to share
with others their experiences, insights and concerns.

To strengthen their experience we would suggest that you invite your children to share
with you. A casual, non-threatening way to open conversation would be to ask your
child each how their time was in Rainbows. Invite them to talk about the topic that was
discussed and their activities that week. Some weeks they have an activity in their
journal, or a group game, or a craft they do individually together. Below are the
weekly meeting topics. The third column is suggested questions you could ask you
child during the time you are talking about Rainbows.

Please know often children really want to keep their experiences in Rainbows private.
Almost protecting or savoring their time in the group. This is normal so respect their
wishes. If your child does not want to talk it is okay. Know at some other time they
probably will open up. What you can do though is at some point during dinner or
driving in the car simply ask one of the questions below. This could open up a dialogue
that has the potential for getting to know your child even better. To enhance this
conversation share your feelings on these questions personally as well. Allow your
children to know who you are inside. Depending on the age of your children you will
need to adjust the language when asking these so they are age-appropriate.

Rainbows offers the same weekly focus for each of the age-directed programmes. The
following chart explains the title and focus of each session, along with a sharing
question for you to ask your child.

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 Rainbows – Week 1 - 6

Week 1 Self: One of To discuss participants’ identity in What makes you special?
a kind the family and how it has changed. What do you like best about
yourself?
Week 2 Feelings: To ask participants to identify Who do you trust with your
Inside out feelings, especially those feelings?
connected with loss. What is your favorite
feeling?
What feelings upset you?
Week 3 Loss: Why To provide participants the How has the change/loss in
my family? opportunity to tell their story – what your family affected you?
happened to them and how they How do you feel about your
were affected? family now?
Week 4 Adjustments To invite participants to accept the How can I help you adjust
: Making the changes and transitions in their to your family’s changes?
pieces fit daily lives. What has been the hardest
part for you with this
change?
Which changes do you like?
Week 5 Resentment To teach participants the value of Is there someone you are
s: Blow ups anger and appropriate ways to angry with or who has hurt
and let manage it. you?
downs How do you express these
feelings?
Have you ever been angry
with yourself or felt you let
someone down?
What do you think is the
best way to handle anger
and disappointment?
Week 6 Anxiety: To help participants separate real What do you worry about
Facing fears from imagined fears. the most?
fears and Tell me about your fears?
worries Which fears are directly
linked to your family’s
change?
Who do you trust to share
these with?

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Rainbows – Week 7 - 12

Week 7 Family: We are To help participants Describe what a family is

family understand that, in spite
of their loss, they are still
part of a family.
to you?
Who are the people in
your life that you
consider family?

How would you like to see

Week 8 Belonging: To assist participants in
Where do I fit feeling physically and
in? emotionally comfortable
in their new family unit.
Week 9 Remarriage: To untangle any fears
The stepfamily participants may have
about potentially being in
a stepfamily or helping
them understand the
dynamics more fully if
they are already in one.
Week 10 Acceptance: To encourage participants
Endings and be able to gently close
beginnings the door on the past and
look forward to the future.
Week 11 Coping: To help participants
Weathering the acquire the coping skills
storms necessary to handle
crises as they occur.
Week 12: First Column: Celebrate me Session
your family get better?
Where do you feel
comfortable – safe and
happy?
Are there places or
people that make you feel
uneasy?
What do you think it
would be like to live in a
stepfamily?
What are other types of
families children live in?
What do you miss the
most about your old family
life?
What has been a happy
surprise living in your new
family?
Who can you talk with
when you are having
problems?
How do you act when
there is a problem in your
life?

Second Column : Celebrating and marking the end of this journey through the Rainbows
programme.

3rd Column – How do you feel now that Rainbows is over? Would you like to return
again next year?
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