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Part 1: Reflect on Essay 1 Grade and Comments

Directions: Refer to the “How to read the Comments on Your Essay” KEY, the Rubric
narrative, and read over the comments I gave you on the essay in order to understand your
grade. Then, answer the following questions.

1. What surprised you about your grade or the comments on your essay? Be specific
and explain.
I'm glad I did not fail. I know I am not a strong writer so I didn’t expect to get an A, but I
was hoping to score within the low B range. Regardless, with the revision of one of my
paragraphs I should be able to place in the low B range.
2. Based on the comments and rubric, what would you say it the area of your essay
that needs the most work? Explain.
The development of my ideas seemed all over the place. Especially in my second to last
paragraph, the structure and explanation was inconclusive. It was the most rushed
paragraph, I kept jumping around in my essay so it seems logical that the paragraph was
confusing.
3. Based on the comments and rubric, what would you say is the area that you seem to
do well in? Explain.
Based on my feedback, I did a really good job on my conclusion. The only comments on
my conclusion were pink which indicates a strong idea or analysis. It is the only category
in which I received a perfect 10/10.
4. What are some areas of the essay that you most challenge you as a writer? Use the
rubric to guide your response to this. Explain why this area of the essay is
challenging to you.
My lowest rubric score is on paragraph focus. I know I need to make every sentence
support the claim but I somehow always end up going off on a tangent. I need to do a
better job during my own revision process in order to make sure my paragraphs are solid
and conveying the idea I want to express.
5. What goals do you have to improve or continue to build upon your strengths for
Essay 2?
I want to continue to grow as a writer. I can’t say I am a particularly well writer but
considering a couple years ago I was still at a middle school reading and writing level. I
think I am doing well. I want to end the class with an A so I intend to do the best I can on
this revision and come in to office hours if necessary. Also I will send my essay to more
people for revision and make sure to meet with you at least once so I can gage my
progress.
Part 2: Revising Your Essay
Directions: You can earn up to 5 additional points on your ESSAY GRADE by revising at
least ONE paragraph of the essay based upon my comments as well as the discussion we
had today about integrating sources. This revision can focus on the introduction and thesis,
a body paragraph, or your conclusion. Select a paragraph that needs more work and revise
that paragraph based upon the comments your received.

1. Original Paragraph​:
Lastly, Social issues in the 1950s were not prevalent in everyday life. Social issues such
as segregation, women’s rights, and gender equality have always existed but were not openly
talked about out of fear of societal rejection. “In the nineteen seventies, new economic trends
began to clash with all the social expectations that 1950s families had instilled in their children”
(Coontz 40). It can be agreed that there are things that are uncomfortable to talk about, but that
just makes it that much more important that we as a society address them. Upon addressing them,
gender roles have evolved, making it so the model family is no longer an ideal. The model
family strives for uniformity but our society today encourages everyone to be unique.
Independence is a core value we have as American people. Women no longer need a man to
sustain them economically and seek a higher education for themselves, there is open support for
the LGBTQIA community, and gay marriages and households are increasingly common. Racial
segregation is no longer socially acceptable but we, sometimes unknowingly, have a built in bias
against people of color. Racism. Sexism. Ageism. Classism. All mental forms of
segregation.
2. Revised Paragraph​:
The expectations of the 1950s were of an independent family, however, after the postwar
financial decline, it became impossible for this to continue a realistic expectation. There were
many reasons why the 1950s were not an ideal time to live, a major one being the false pretense
of reality. According to Coontz, “In the 1970s, new economic trends began to clash with all the
social expectations that 1950s families had instilled in their children” (40). In this quote Coontz
shows the ignorance of commentators when stating how ideal the 1950s were. While the 1950s
did have incredible financial stability, these false expectations were cemented in their children
and would later become impossible to fulfill. The clash their children experienced is due to the
change of economical growth. The 1970s marked the peak, as well as the decline of financial
growth which made the expectation of independence impossible to meet. Society failed to
prepare the future generations for the crash the economy would have. By painting a false reality
the families of the 1950s were able to maintain a blissful life. However, in addition to the false
financial expectations, there were many social issues that were simply dismissed. Issues such as
gender roles have evolved, making it so the model family is no longer an ideal. The model
family strives for uniformity but our society today encourages everyone to be unique.
Reflect​:
1. Why did you select this paragraph to revise? Explain.
I chose to revise this paragraph because it was the paragraph with the most
constructive feedback. I felt that by making this a more solid paragraph it would
make my essay stronger overall.
2. What did you revise in this paragraph? Explain.
I revised most of the paragraph. I started with the quote and made sure it was
properly introduced as well as properly explained. I continued to make sure the
analysis explained the claim I was trying to make. I realized I went off topic a lot
in my original so deleted most of it. I left a couple sentences the same, and simply
made sure they all related back to the topic.