JOKES

Rupert and Molly have been married for sixteen years.

Each and every morning of those sixteen years, Rupert has woken up, farted loudly and
proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work.

And each and every morning for those sixteen years, Molly has said to him disgustedly, “One
of these days, you’re gonna fart your entrails out!” But this has had no effect on Rupert as
he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.

Molly is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgiving morning when she got up early to
get things ready, she got an idea while preparing the turkey.

Before Rupert got up, she crept upstairs and placed the turkey innards in his pajama
bottoms, giggling to herself as she did so.

A little later that morning, Rupert woke up and went through his usual morning ritual with
glee. Molly heard a scream as Rupert jumped out of bed and flew into the bathroom.

She laughed to herself, but when Rupert didn’t reappear from the bathroom for a long time
she started to get concerned.

So Molly ran upstairs, and was just about to knock on the bathroom door, when Rupert
opened it and came out, pale as a ghost.

Rupert said, “You were right, darling, you were right. I did fart my entrails out, but by the
grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again.”

Jeff took his wife Gina to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the
breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

“This bull mated fifty five times last year.” Gina playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and
said, “He mated fifty five times last year.”

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, “This bull mated a
hundred thirty times last year. ” Gina gave Jeff a healthy jab and said, “That’s more than
twice a week! You could learn a lot from that bull.”

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in huge letters, “This bull
mated three hundred sixty five times last year.” Gina, so excited that her elbow nearly broke
Jeff’s rib, said, “That’s once a day.You could really learn something from this one.”

Jeff looked at her and said, “Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.”
A handsome guy Villian is sitting in a night-club, sipping a scotch. He notices a splendid
woman at the end of the pub, she was talking with a friend. He calls over a waiter, and
sends them both a champagne, along with a note asking for the fantastic woman’s phone
number.

Fifteen minutes later, the waiter comes over with a note. He reads:

“Unless you have a Audi Q7 parked outside, a million bucks in the bank, and nine inches in
your pants, you’re not getting anything from me.”

Villian finishes his scotch, considering his response. He then writes this down on a piece of
paper, hands it to the waiter, and walks out:

“Actually, I only have about half a million in the bank; most of my net worth is in the four
dozen buildings I own downtown. And today, I’m driving the Lamborghini; the Mercedes
Benz, Hummer, and Porsche are currently at my summer mansion.

But If you think I’m cutting off two inches for you, you can f**k right off.”
The Russian Maid asked for a pay rise. The wife was very worried about this and decided to
talk to her about the raise.

She asked, “Now Anna; why do you want more pay?”

Anna: “Well, Ma’am, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The first reason is that I
am cleaning better than you.”

Wife: “Who said you are cleaning better than me?”

Anna: “Your husband he say so.”

Wife: “Really?”

Anna: “The second reason is that I am better cook than you.”

Wife: “Don’t talk nonsense !, Who said you were a better cook than me?”

Anna: “Your husband said.”

Wife increasingly angried: “Oh he did, did he?”

Anna: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as
well?”

Anna: “No Ma’am, the gardener did.”

Wife: “So how much do you want?”

Carol and Rick take their son Marty on holiday to a nude beach.Rick goes for a walk on the
beach and Marty goes and plays in the water.Carol takes a sunbath on the sunbed.

Marty comes running up to his mom Carol and says;”Mom,I saw ladies with boobies a lot
bigger than yours!” The mother says;”The bigger they are, the dumber they are.”

So Marty goes back to play.A few minutes later,he comes running back and says;”Mom,I
saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Dad’s!”The mom says;”The bigger they are, the
dumber they are.”

So he goes back to play.After about five minutes later Marty comes running back and
says;”Mom, I just saw Dad talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more
he talked,the dumber and dumber he got!”
A married guy was having a relationship with his charmful secretary.

A Sunday they went to secretary’s apartment and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 9 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his mistress to take his sneakers outside and rub them
in the grass and dirt.

He put on his sneakers and went home.

‘Where have you been?’ his wife demanded.

‘I don’t want to lie to you,’ he answered,

‘I’m have a relationship with my secretary.We made love all afternoon.’

She looked down at his shoes and said:

‘You are lying asshole!

You’ve been playing soccer!’

Young Irish girl Nora returns home for Christmas.

When she got there, her dad Vito said to her, “Where have you been all this time? Why did
you not write to us, why did you not call us?”

Nora started to cry as she replied, “Dad, I became a prostitute.”

Vito shouted in rage, “What did you say? Get out of here you shameless harlot! You’re
adisgrace to this family.”

Nora answered, “OK, Dad. If that’s your wish, that’s what I’ll do; I understand. First though,
I just came back to give Mom this luxurious fur coat, the title deeds to a ten bedroom
mansion plus a savings certificate for 8 million. And for my little brother, I brought this gold
Rolex, and for you Dad, the sparkling new Audi limited edition convertible that’s parked in
front of the house. Oh yes, plus a membership to the country club and an invitation for you
all to spend a fun New Year’s Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and…”

Her dad Vito interrupted her, “Now what was it you said you had become, again?”

Nora started crying again as she said, “A prostitute, Dad!”

Vito said, “Oh my little girl! You scared me half to death! I thought you said a Protestant.
Come here and give your father a hug!”

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn’t paying attention, so she asks him, “If there are three ducks
sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?”

Johnny says, “None.” The teacher asks, “Why?” Johnny says, “Because the shot scared them all off.”

The teacher says, “No, two, but I like how you’re thinking.”

Johnny asks the teacher, “If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is
sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?”

The teacher says, “The one sucking her ice cream.” Johnny says, “No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you’re
thinking!”

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes
creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn’t stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so “spicy” that I just laid down and told him “Take me, young man. Take me now!”

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, “April Fool!” And that’s when I shot him, the little bastard.

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she’s driving a car.
 As
she’s going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, “Excuse me ma’am but you were speeding. Can I see
your driver’s license?”

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and
sends her on her way.

Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, “Excuse me ma’am but I saw
you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?”

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning
and sends her on her way.

She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man’s room again he jumps out. He’s
stark naked and has an erection!

The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, “Oh no – not the Breathalyzer again!”

Joe rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he was there, an
attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

Joe smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it’s quite
obvious that she has nothing on under the robe.

Poor Joe breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and
says, “Let’s go in my apartment, I hear someone coming…”

He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off
completely.

Being completely nude, she purrs at him, “What would you say is my best feature?”

The flustered, embarrassed Joe stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, “Oh, it’s got to be your
ears!”

She’s astounded! “Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They’re full, don’t sag, and they’re 100% natural! My buns – they’re
firm and don’t sag, and have no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes or scars! Why in heaven’s name would you say my
ears are the best part of my body?!”

Clearing his throat once again, Joe stammers – “Outside when you said you heard someone coming – that was me.”

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:

“Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to “love,
honor and obey” and “be faithful to her forever,” I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that out.” He passed the minister a $100
bill and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said:
“Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every
morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman,
as long as you both shall live?”

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice,

“Yes,” then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: “I thought we had a deal.”

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom’s hand and whispered: “She made me a better offer.”

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get
even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the
nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

“Who is it?”, calls out one of the nuns.

“Blind man,” replies a male voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they
open the door.

“Nice tits, sister,” says the man, “Where do you want these blinds?”

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumblebee entered the bedroom
window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, “Oh my god, help me,
there’s a bee in my v.gina!”

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.

The doctor thought for a moment and said “Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would
permit.”

The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife’s v.gina.

The doctor said, “OK, what I’m gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my p.nis and insert it into your wife’s vagina.
When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of
your wife’s vagina.”

The husband nodded and gave his approval.

The young lady said, “Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it.”

So, the doctor covered the tip of his p.nis with honey and inserted it into the young lady’s vagina. After a few gentle strokes,
the doctor said, “I don’t think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper.” So the doctor went deeper
and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed.

The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud.

The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself. He then put his hands on the young lady’s breasts
and started making loud noises.

The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, “Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think
you’re doing?”

The doctor, still concentrating, replied, “Change of plans. I’m gonna drown the b.stard!”
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, “I almost had an affair with another woman.”

The priest said, “What do you mean, almost?”

The Irishman said, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”

The priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say
five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.”

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, “I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!”

The Irishman replied, “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!”

After working most of her life Grandma finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the
medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control
pills.

“Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?”

“Yes, they help me sleep at night.”

“Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!

She reached out and patted the young Doctor’s knee. “Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in
the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks . . . and believe me, it helps me sleep at night. “

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his
wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. “What’s up?” he says. “I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says “Daddy! Daddy!
Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe
door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

“You rotten b.stard,” says the husband, “my wife’s having a heart attack, and you’re running around naked, scaring the kids!”

A girl goes into a bar.

She says, “Bartender, give me a triple Jack Daniel’s.”

He gives her a triple Jack Daniel’s, and she belts it down. She has five more in a row, belts them all down, passes out dead
drunk, and everybody in the bar f..ks her.

The next night, she walks into the bar, and says, “Bartender, give me a triple Jack Daniel’s.”

He gives her a triple Jack Daniel’s, and she belts it down. She has five more in a row, belts them all down, passes out dead
drunk, and everybody in the bar f..ks her again.

The next night, she walks into the bar and says, “Bartender, give me a triple Tequila.”

He says, “I thought you drank Jack Daniel’s.”

She says, “Not any more. Jack Daniel’s makes my p.ssy sore.”

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.

The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?”

One of them answers, “We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.”

“You should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher, “When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.”

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners and asked her students the following question:

“Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the
bathroom?”

Michael said, “Just a minute I have to go pee.”

The teacher responded by saying, “That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?”

Sherman said, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”

“That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your
brain for once and show us your good manners?”

“I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment?, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I
hope to introduce to you after dinner.”

The teacher fainted…

One day a student was taking a very difficult essay exam. At the end of the test, the prof asked all the students to put their
pencils down and immediately hand in their tests.

The young man kept writing furioulsy, although he was warned that if he did not stop immediately he would be disqualified.
He ignored the warning, finished the test 10 minutes later, and went to hand the test to his instructor. The instructor told him
he would not take the test.

The student asked, “Do you know who I am?”

The prof said, “No and I don’t care.”

The student asked again, “Are you sure you don’t know who I am?”

The prof again said no. So the student walked over to the pile of tests, placed his in the middle, then threw the papers in the
air.

“Good” the student said, and walked out. He passed.

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to
sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot. So he went to the lady’s house
and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche.

“Wow!” the man said. “Can I take it for a test drive?” Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and
took it back to the lady’s house.

“Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?”
“My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his
Porsche and sent him the money.”

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to
blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says,
“Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the
whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him
by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give
your Daddy a great big hug!”

Young Sheryl brings home her fiance Matt to meet her parents.After a delicious dinner,her mother tells her father to find out
about the young man. The father invites Matt to his study for a drink.

“So what are your plans?” the father asks the young man. “I am an Old Testament(Torah) researcher,”he replies.”an Old
Testament researcher,interesting.” Sheryl’s father says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my
daughter to live in,as she’s accustomed to?” “I will study,” Matt replies, “and God will provide for us.”

“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asks the father. “I will concentrate on my
studies,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.”

“And kids?” asks the father. “How will you support your kids?” “Don’t worry, sir. God will provide,” replies Matt again.The
conversation proceeds like this and each time the father questions the young idealist insists that ‘God will provide’.

When Matt went, the mother asks,”How did it go,Honey?” The father answers, “He has no job and no plans,but the good new
is he thinks ‘I am God’.

Edward decided to propose to his girlfriend, Megan.

Megan said before she could accept she must confess about her childhood illness.

She then went on to tell Edward she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity level of a eleven years old.

Edward said it was not problem because he loved Megan so much.

He decided to confess. I too have a problem. My phallus is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that
once we are married.”

Megan answered, “Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your infant phallus.”

So Edward and Megan duly got married. On their wedding day they couldn’t wait to be alone so Edward whisked his new
bride off to their honeymoon suite and they started touch teasing, holding one another.

As Megan put her hands in Edward’s trousers, she screamed and ran out of the suit.

Edward ran after her and when he caught up with her, asked what was the problem.

Megan said, “You told me your phallus was the size of an infant!”

Edward said, “Yes it is: 2.5 kilograms, 35 centimeters long!”

One day, Johnson staggers into the emergency room of Florence Nightingale with a concussion, multiple bruises, and a five
iron golf club wrapped around his neck.
Naturally the doctor is curious and asks him what happened to him.

“Well, it was like this” Johnson says. “I was enjoying a quiet round of golf with my wife. We were playing the sixth hole which
is really hard and we both sliced our drives into a field full of cows. Me and my wife went into the field to look for our balls, and
while I was searching I saw that one of the cows had something white in it’s backside. So I went over, lifted up the cow’s tail,
and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I
made my big mistake.”

“Why, what did you do?”, asks the doctor.

Johnson says, “Well, I lifted the tail, pointed, and shouted to my wife, “Hey! This looks like yours!”

Three men, a writer, a chemist and a bum, were out riding in the van when it crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knows it, three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where Saint Peter and the
Lucifer were standing nearby.

“Gentlemen,” the Lucifer started, “Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, Saint Peter has agreed to limit the
number of people entering Heaven.

If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don’t know or cannot answer, then you’re worthy enough to go to Heaven; if
not, then you’ll come with me to Hell.”

The writer then stepped up, “Well,please tell me everything about Leo Tolstoy’s life.”

With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Lucifer.

The writer read it and concluded it was correct.

“Now,go to Hell!”

With another snap of his finger, the writer disappeared.

The chemist then asked,”Could you give me the most complicated potion formula never theorized before!”

With a snap of his finger,potion in a burette appeared next to the Lucifer. The chemist looked at it and reluctantly agreed it
was correct.

“Then, go to Hell!” With another snap of his finger, the chemist disappeared too.

The bum then stepped forward and said, “Bring me a chair!”

The Lucifer brought forward a chair. “Drill 7 holes on the seat.”

Lucifer did just that.

The bum then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.

Standing up, he asked, “Which hole did my fart come out from?”

The Lucifer inspected the seat and said, “The second hole from the left.”

“Wrong,” said the bum, “it’s from my asshole.”

And the bum went to heaven.

A second grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day, she asked Jimmy what his problem was. He
replied, “I’m too smart for the second grade, my sister is in the fourth grade, and I’m smarter than her too.”

The teacher took him to the principal’s office and explained the situation to the principal. The principal told her that he would
give Jimmy a test. If he failed to answer one question, then he would have to go back to the second grade and be quiet. The
teacher and Jimmy both agreed.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”

Jimmy: “9.”
Principal: “6 x 6?”
Jimmy: “36.”

And so it went on like this, the principal asked him every question a fourth grader should know. Finally, after about an hour,
he told the teacher “I see no reason why Jimmy can’t go to the fourth grade, he answered all of my questions right.”

The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The principal and Jimmy agree.

Teacher: “What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of?”

Jimmy: “Legs”
Teacher: “What do you have in your pants that I don’t have?”

The principal gasps but before he can stop him from answerin gJimmy says, “Pockets.”

Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”

Jimmy: “Pants.”
Teacher: “What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement?”
Jimmy: “Firetruck.”

The principal breaths a big sigh of relief and says “Put Jimmy in the fourth grade. I got the last 4 questions wrong myself.”

The doctor asked the man how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, “Things are great, and I’ve never felt better! I now
have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that, doc?”

The doctor considered the question for a minute, and then began to tell a story.

“I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go
hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.”
“As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge. He realized he left his gun at
home, and so, he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it was
his favorite hunting rifle, and yelled ‘bang bang’. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell dead.”

“Now, what do you think of that?” asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old replied, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a few rounds into that beaver.”

The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.

The Godfather asks the accountant, “Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?” The accountant does not
answer.

The Godfather asks again, “Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?”

The attorney interrupts, “Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you.”

The Godfather says, “Well ask him where my damn money is!” The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where
the 3 million dollars is.

The accountant signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He doesn’t know what you are talking about.”

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, “Ask him
again where my damn money is!”

The attorney signs to the accountant, “He wants to know where it is!”

The accountant signs back, “OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!”

The Godfather says, “Well….what did he say?”

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He says…go to hell… ..that you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, “Do
you have any sales experience?” The kid says, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. “Well, the boss liked the kid so
he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. “How many sales
did you make today?” The kid says, “One.” The boss says, “Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How
much was the sale for?”

Kid says, “$101,237.64.” Boss says, “$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?”

Kid says, “First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I
sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was
gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he
didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer.”

The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?”
Kid says, “No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, ‘Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well
go fishing”

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, “It’s the druggist – he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.” Immediately the husband
drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute – listen to my side of it. This morning
the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I’ll be damned if I
didn’t lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I
got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a
bunch of people waiting for me to open up.

I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I
had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.

I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels – the phone is still ringing – when I came up I cracked my head on
the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of
them hit the floor and broke.

The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife – she wanted to know how to use a
rectal thermometer.

Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!”

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men
say the following: “Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come
together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one lasta time.”

“You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!”

“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talking abouta sexa? Imma justa tellun my frienda how to spella “Mississippi”!

A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. “I don’t want to know!” the child said, bursting into
tears. “Promise me you won’t tell me.”

Confused, the father asked what was wrong “Oh dad,” the boy sobbed, “when I was 6 I got the “there’s no Santa” speech. At
7, I got the “there’s no Easter Bunny” speech. When I was 8, you hit me with the “there’s no tooth fairy” speech.

If you tell me that grown-ups don’t really f.ck, I’ll have nothing left to live for.”

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a quart of milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a package
of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyer belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her, watched as she placed her
items in front of the cashier.

He said, “You must be single.” The woman, a bit startled, looked at her four items on the belt, and seeing nothing particularly
unusual about her selections said, “Well, y’know, that’s right. But how in earth did you know that?
The drunk said, “Cause you’re uglier ‘n shit.”

A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose. The farmer looks at his
purchases and says, “Damn, I WALKED here. How am I gonna carry all this home?

The livestock dealer said, “Why don’t you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each
arm and carry the goose in your other hand?” “Hey, thanks!” the farmer said, and off he went.

While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1515
Mockingbird Lane?”

The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley.
We’ll be there in no time.”

The little old lady said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley
you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?”

The farmer said, “Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I
possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”

She replied, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket … and I’ll hold the chickens.”

Dwayne feels really sick and calls to work and says, “Hi, Mr. Harper, I am sorry but I can not come to the work today, I really
sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my back hurt. I will try to come tomorrow.”

The boss says, “You know Dwayne, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex.
Makes everything better and I can go to work. You must try.”

Two hours later Dwayne calls again: “Mr.Harper, I did what you said and I feel great now. I will be at work soon. By the way,
your house is really nice.”

Three women (Jessica engaged, Britney married and Bella is a mistress) are conversation about their relationships and
decided to amaze their men. All three buy black leather tight costume, leather brassiere, stiletto heels and black masks for
their eyes. After a few days, they meet over lunch to compare notes.

Engaged Jessica says:

The last night when my fiance came over, he found me in the black leather bodice, tall stilettos, and a mask. He said, “you
are the woman of my life. I love you”. Then we made love all night long.

Mistress Bella says:

I met my lover at hotel room and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and I tied my lover’s eyes.
When I opened his eyes, he only could looked at me didn’t say a word and we had wild sex all night.

Married Britney says:

I sent the kids to my mother’s house.I excited about having alone time with my husband. Had the lights dim, candles going, I
was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos heels and a mask over my eyes.

As soon as my husband came to the door and saw me and said,”What’s for dinner, BATMAN?
A rainy night little Ashley afraid of the sound of thunder.She decides to go to her parents room.She sees her mother and
father while having sex.The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter Ashley looking at
them she directly stops.

Ashley asks;“What are you doing, Mommy?” The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an
answer. “Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”

Little Ashley replies, “Well,mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.”Her mother has a confused look on Ashley’s face and
says; “Why do you say that sweetheart?”

The little girl replies,“Because mommy,everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back
up.”

There was a boy Olivier who worked in the supermarket as a greengrocer. A middle aged big guy came into market and
asked to buy half a head of leek.Olivier told him that they only sell whole heads of leeks,but the big guy replied that he did not
need a whole head, only a half.

Olivier explained that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked into the back management office,found the
manager and said, “There is a jackass out there who wants to buy only a half a head of leeks.”

As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the big scary-looking guy standing right behind him, so he quickly added,
“and this gentleman wants to buy the other half”.

The manager approved the request and the scary-looking guy went on his way. Later on the manager said to Olivier, “You
almost got yourself in a big trouble, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You are ingenious and we
like that kind of employee around here. Where are you from son?”

Olivier replied,“Argentina sir”.

“Oh, really? Why did you leave Argentina?”asked the manager. Olivier replied, “They’re all just whores and football players up
there.”

“My wife is from Argentina!”manager shouted.

Olivier replied, “That’s incredible! Which team did she play for?”

A rainy night little Ashley afraid of the sound of thunder.She decides to go to her parents room.She sees her mother and
father while having sex.The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter Ashley looking at
them she directly stops.

Ashley asks;“What are you doing, Mommy?” The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an
answer. “Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”

Little Ashley replies, “Well,mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.”Her mother has a confused look on Ashley’s face and
says; “Why do you say that sweetheart?”

The little girl replies,“Because mommy,everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back
up.”

A few months after his parents were divorced, Ian passed by his mother’s bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and
moaning,“I need a man, I need a man!”

Over the next couple of months,he saw his mother doing this several times.One day,he came home from game center arcade
and heard his mother moaning.When he peeked into her bedroom,Ian saw a man on top of her.Ian ran into his room,took off
his t-shirt and jean,threw himself on his bed,started stroking himself,and moaning, “I need an x-box! I need an x-box!”
An older couple Olivia and Percival, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for long years. Urged on by
their friends, our couple decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding day, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They
discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman Percival decided it was time to broach the
subject of their physical relationship.

“How do you feel about sex?” he asked, rather tentatively.

“I would like it infrequently “, Olivia replied. Percival sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, scratched his jaw then
leaned over towards her and whispered, “Is that one word or two?”

A wealthy old man goes for his regular round of bowling with his fellows but this time he brings along a beautiful young lady.

“Guys,meet my prospective bride” he says,full of pride as he introduces her to his friends.

For the rest of the afternoon his friends can’t take their eyes off the charming beauty.

After the round of bowling the rich man goes up to the bar to buy drinks for the group.

One of his friends goes with him and when at the bar asks him,”How on earth did you manage to hook up with such a
beautiful young woman?You’re sixty seven.She must be at least fourty years younger than you!”

The old rich guy says, “I lied about my age.”

His friend says,”And she believed you? How old did you say you were?”

“I told her I was ninety five.”

Harley was due to get married to a redhead Krystal and the night before the wedding Harley asked his father for some
marriage advice.

His father said to him,”Just remind her who wears the pants in your family.”

The next evening,after the wedding,the husband and wife were in the honeymoon suite.

Harley threw his trousers to his new bride and said,”Here put these on.”

Krystal did as he said,but after doing so said,”I don’t fit into these.”

The husband said,”That’s right and don’t forget who wears the pants in this family!”

After Harley said this,the Krystal took off her panties and tossed them at him, says;”Try these on.”

Harley looked at them and said,”I can’t get into your panties!”

Krystal said,”That’s right and you will not do anything until your attitude changes!”

One day a middle aged woman Nicole decided to have a face botox for her birthday.

She spent 4000 bucks and felt really good about the results.

On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around.

As she was leaving,Nicole said to the salesman, “Excuse me,I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I
am?”
“About 35, “salesman replied.

“I’m actually 46,” Nicole said,she feels so happy.

After that Nicole went into Burger Kings’ for lunch and asked the cashier the same question. “How old do you think I am?”

He replied, “Oh, you look about 28.”

“I am actually 46!” she said, she feels really good now.

While sitting at the metro stop she asked an old man the same question.

“How old do you think I am?”

Old man replied, “I am 90 years old and my eyes not working so well.But when I was a young man there was a sure way of
telling a woman’s age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age.”

There was anybody around, so Nicole said, “What the hell?” and let him slip his hand up her skirt.

After feeling around for a while, the old man said, “Well.. I see.. You are 46.”

Amazed, Nicole said, “That was awesome! How did you know that?”

The old man answered, “I was behind you in line at Burger King.”

After just several years of marriage, fulled with perpetual fights, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their
marriage was to try professional marriage counselor. Sometimes they wanted to kill each other and felt that this was their last
straw.

When they arrived at the counselor’s office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. “So please tell
me. What’s the problem?”

Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 120
kilometers an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After a half hour of listening to the wife, the counselor went
over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her avidly for a few minutes, and sat her back down.After that, the wife sat
there without one word.

He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened.

The counselor spoke to the husband, “Your wife needs that at least twice a week!”

The husband shakes his head and replied, “Okay, I can bring her here by four o’clock on Mondays and Fridays.”

A cowboy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it’s filled with 10 bucks. He guesses there
must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches to the barman and asks,

“What is that money in the jar for?”

“Wel,you pay 10 bucks, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the best horse of Texas.”

The man certainly isn’t going to pass this up, so he asks, “What are the three tests?”

“You gotta pay first,” says the barman,”those are the rules.”

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the barman 10 bucks which he stuffs into the jar.
“Okay,” says the barman,

“Here’s what you need to do:

FIRST TEST: You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can’t spew.”

SECOND TEST: There’s a bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.”

THIRD TEST: There’s a 80-year old lady upstairs who’s never had sex. You have to take care of that problem.”

The cowboy is amazed! “I know I paid my 10 bucks, but I’m not imbecile! I won’t do it! You’d have to be nuts to drink a quart
of tequila and then do all those other things!”

“Your decision,” says the barman, “but, your money stays where it is…”

As time goes on, the cowboy has a few more drinks and finally says, “Where’s the damn tequila?!”

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can…

Tears stream down both cheeks(but he doesn’t spew)and he drinks it in 56 seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the bull chained to a pole. Soon, guys inside the bar hear loud growling,
screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight,then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the cowboy surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds
and he’s bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.

Drunken cowboy says, “Now…, where’s that old woman with the bad tooth?”

This elderly lady Breanna goes to the doctor for a control.

Everything check out fine.

Breanna comes closer to the doctor and says in a low voice, “Doctor, I haven’t had sex for ten years now and I was
wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”

The doctor smiles and says, “Have you tried to give him Cialis or Viagra?”

Breanna frowns. “Doctor, I can’t even get him to take an aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimes.

“Well,I see…” The doctor continues, “I have an idea about it. Crush the pill into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir
it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.”

Old lady Breanna is delights.

She leaves from the doctor’s clinic quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returns.

She frowns and the doctor asks to her what is wrong.

She shakes her head.

“How did it go?” The doctor asks.

“Awful, doctor, awful.”

“Did it not work?”

“Yes,” Breanna says, “It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made
mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I’d had in twenty years.”

“Then what is the problem, Breanna?”

“Well,” she says. “I can’t ever show my face in Starbucks again.”

Susanne charming secretary of the president of a big bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African baron who
was a very important client. The baron in a flash asks Susanne to marry him. Naturally,the secretary is quite taken aback.
She knows that she can’t say yes, but she has to let him down easy so that he doesn’t take his business elsewhere.

Susanne tries to imagine of a way to dissuade the baron from wanting to marry her.After a few minutes,the secretary says to
the man,“I will only marry you under three conditions.First,I want my engagement ring to be a eighty-carat diamond ring with a
matching two hundred-carat diamond crown.”

The African baron hesitates for a second.Then,he nods his head and says, “No problem! I have. I have.”

Realizing her first condition was too easy Susanne says to the baron,“I want you to build me a hundred-room mansion in
Manhattan.As a vacation home,I want a castle built in the middle of the best fashion city Milano.”

The baron hesitates for a while.He whips out his cell phone and calls some brokers in Manhattan and in Milano.He looks at
the secretary, nods his head and says, “All right,all right.I build.I build.”

Realizing that she only has one last condition,Susanne knows that she’d better make this a good one. She takes her time to
think and finally she gets an idea.A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly,
“Since I like sex,I want the man I marry to have a twenty five centimeters penis.”

The baron becomes miserable.He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table,all the while muttering to
himself. Finally, the African baron shakes his head,looking really sad and says to Susanne,“Okay, okay. I cut. I cut.”

Young Sheryl brings home her fiance Matt to meet her parents.After a delicious dinner,her mother tells her father to find out
about the young man. The father invites Matt to his study for a drink.

“So what are your plans?” the father asks the young man. “I am an Old Testament(Torah) researcher,”he replies.”an Old
Testament researcher,interesting.” Sheryl’s father says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my
daughter to live in,as she’s accustomed to?” “I will study,” Matt replies, “and God will provide for us.”

“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asks the father. “I will concentrate on my
studies,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.”

“And kids?” asks the father. “How will you support your kids?” “Don’t worry, sir. God will provide,” replies Matt again.The
conversation proceeds like this and each time the father questions the young idealist insists that ‘God will provide’.

When Matt went, the mother asks,”How did it go,Honey?” The father answers, “He has no job and no plans,but the good new
is he thinks ‘I am God’

Two nice woman Riley and Rikki were playing golf.Rikki teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a
foursome of guys playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.He directly clasped his hands together at his groin,fell to the pitch and proceeded to roll around in
agony.

Rikki rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. ‘Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I
know I could relieve your pain if you would allow me,’Rikki told him.

‘Oh,no,I’ll be all right.I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’the guy answered.He was in obvious pain,lying in the fetal position,still
clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however,he finally allowed her to help.Rikki gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
loosened his pants and put her hands slowly and carefully inside.She then administered a tender and masterful massage for
several long moments and softly asked “How does that feel?”

“Feels wonderful”,he replied;”But I still think my thumb has broken!”

Irma asks her boyfriend Ralph to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.Since this is such a big
excited event ,Irma declares to Ralph that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the first time.

Ralph is entranced,but he has never had sex before in his all life,so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some
preservatives.He tells to the pharmacist it’s his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.Pharmacist tells
Ralph everything there is to know about preservatives and sex. At the register,the pharmacist asks the boy how many
preservatives he’d like to buy,one pack,three pack,ten pack or family pack.Ralph insists on the family pack because he thinks
he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night,Ralph shows up at the Irma’s parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh,I’m so excited for you to meet
my mother and father, come on in!”

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated.

Ralph quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and Ralph is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

Fifteen minutes pass, and still no act from Ralph.

Finally, after twenty five minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea
you were this religious.”

Ralph turns,and whispers back to Irma,”I had no idea your father was the pharmacist!”

Dean wakes up at home with a remarkable hangover.He tries hard to open his eyes,and the first thing he sees is a couple of
painkillers and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in clothes hanger, all clean and pressed.
Dean looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So’s the rest of the house.He takes the
painkillers and notices a note on the table“Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.”

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son Ezra is also at the
table, eating.

Dean asks, “Son, what happened last night?”

Ezra says,“Well, you came home after 4 A.M.,drunk and delirious.Broke the couch,vomited in the living room,and gave
yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”

Ashamed,Dean asks,“So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”

Ezra replies,“Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off,you said, “Ma’am,leave
me alone,I’m married!””

There is a man named John who was such a die-hard pollyanna. No matter how hard the situation is, he would always say, “It
could have been worse.”

So to cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a story to trick him.

One day, his friends told him, “John, did you hear what happened to Will? He came home last night, found his wife in bed
with another man, shot then both, and turned the gun on himself!”

“That is so tragic,” John answered, “But it could have been worse.”

“But how could it be worse?” his bewildered friend replied, “Could it possibly be worse?”

“Well,” says John, “If it happened the night before, I could be dead!”

Clara and her eight years old son Max were inside a Taxi. It was a rainy day and all the twilight girls were standing by the
roadside.

Max asked; “Mom,what are all those women doing?”

Clara replied; “They are waiting for their husbands to come back from work.”

The Taxi driver turned around and said;

“Ma’am why don’t you tell the truth to your son?.Hey kid,they are prostitutes and they sleep with men for money.”

Max’s eyes got wide and asked; “Mom is that true?”

Clara,glaring hard at the driver replied; “Yes it is!”

After a few minutes,Max asked; “Mom,what happens to the babies those women have?.”

Clara responded;”Most of them become Taxi drivers.”

Charlie gets into a bar with a crocodile.He says to the customers, “Here’s a deal. I will open this crocodile’s mouth and place
my manhood inside. The crocodile will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I will remove my stick unscathed.If it
works, everyone buys me drinks.”

The audiences agrees.

Charlie drops his pants and puts his stick in the crocodile’s mouth.It closes mouth. After one minute,the guy grabs a beer
bottle and bangs on the top of crocodile’s head. The crocodile opens mouth wide,and he removes his stick unscathed.
Everyone buys him drinks.

Then Charlie says: “I will pay anyone 100 bucks who’s willing to give it a try.”

After a while,a hand goes up in the back of the bar.It’s a woman. “I will give it a try,”she says,“But you have to promise not to
hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”

A young blonde woman goes on a date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The young guy asks if she would like
to go in the backseat.

Blonde girl screams; “No!”

Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again if she would like to go in the backseat.

“For the last time, I said no!” says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, “Well, why the hell not?”

The blonde replies, “Because I want to stay up here with you!”

A grumpy old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was a lot of young ladies in gala and one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”
“Negative,young lady. I am just serious by nature.”

The young lady looked at his awards and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action in your duty.”

“Yes,young lady, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy of music
and vine.”

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you made love?”

“1958,young lady.”

“Well, there you are. No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1958! She took his hand
and led him to a empty room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times.

Thereafter, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1958.”

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, “I hope not; it’s only 2115 now.”

A tramp was really weary and needed a place to stay for the rainy night. So he sees a barn up the road and asks the farmer if
he can stay in his barn for the night.

“Sure,” says the farmer, “as long as you promise not to stick your stick into the three holes.” The guy promises,and the farmer
leaves him there. Of course, he can’t resist, and the farmer is woken up in the middle of the night by screams coming from
the barn.The farmer goes down and finds the guy stuck in the third hole.

“What are in these holes?” the guy yells.

“Well,” says the farmer, “one of them’s my daughter, one’s my cow, and one of them’s an automatic milking machine that
doesn’t stop until it gets four litres.”

A rich-looking guy walks into a restaurant with a huge ostrich near him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, “A cheesburger,onion rings, and a fruit juice,” and turns to the ostrich,
“What’s your choice?”

“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A few minutes later the waitress returns with the order. “It’s amount 16.75 dollars.” The guy reaches into his pocket and,
without looking, pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the guy and the ostrich come again and the guy says, “Spaghetti,salad and a coke.”

The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”

Again the guy reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until one night they enter the
restaurant and the waitress asks, “The usual?”

“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, sliced potato,salad and beer”, says the guy.

“Me too,” says the ostrich.

The waitress brings the order and says, “That will be 49.45 dollars.”

Once again the guy pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can’t stop her curiosity
any longer and asks; “Excuse me,sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every
time?”

“Well,” says the guy, “A few years ago I was cleaning my basement and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a gin appeared
and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and
the right amount of money would always be there.”

“That’s incredible!” says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich
as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right. Whether it’s a chewing gum or a Lamborghini,the exact money is always there,” says the guy.

The waitress asks, “Sir,I am asking just out of my curiosity,what’s that ostrich?”

The guy inhales and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

Two elegant dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the airport.

The first lady was an arrogant French woman married to a mercenary man.

The second was a seasoned elderly woman from North Europe.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the French woman started by saying, “When my first child
was born,my husband gave a luxury residence as a gift to me.”

The lady from the North commented, “Well, bless your heart.”

The first woman continued, “When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful sport car.

Again, the lady from the North commented, “Well, bless your heart.”

The first woman continued boasting, “Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this very expensive
exquisite diamond necklace.

Yet again, the Northern lady commented, “Well, bless your heart.”

The first woman then asked her companion, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?”

“My husband sent me to charm school,” declared the Northern lady.

“Charm school?” the first woman screamed,”Jesus!What is that for?”

The Northern lady responded, “Well for example, instead of saying “Who gives a shit?” I learned to say, “Well, bless your
heart”.

George Bush becomes very sick and dies. He goes to Hell where the Lucifer is waiting for him.
“I don’t know what to do,” says the Lucifer. “You’re on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here,
i found what to do.So I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got three people here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one
of them go, but you have to take their place.

I’ll even let you decide who leaves.”

George Bush thought that sounded enough good so he agreed.

The Lucifer opened the first room’s door. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing
empty handed over and over and over, such was his destiny in Hell.

“No!” George said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and I don’t think I could do that all day long .”

The Lucifer led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of giant rocks. All he did was
swing that hammer, time after time after time.

“No! I’ve got this problem with my arm. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!” commented
George.

The Lucifer opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton sitting naked on the chair with his arms staked over his head
and he spreads his legs.Monica Lewinsky on the knees, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in doubt for a while and finally said, “Yeah, I can handle this.”

The Lucifer smiled and said, “Monica, you’re free to go!”

A young handsome guy Florentino finds the woman of his dreams and asks her to marry him. Florentino tells to his mother he
wants her to meet with his fiance, but he wants to make a bit of a game out of it. He says he’ll bring the girl over with two
other girls and see if his mother can guess which is the one he wants to marry.

His mother Beatriz agrees to the game.

On the evening of the day, he shows up at his mother’s house with three beautiful young ladies. They all sit down on the
couch, and everyone has a wonderful evening talking and getting to know each other.

At the end of the evening, Florentino asks to his mother, “Well, Mom, which girl do you think is the woman I want to marry?”

Without any hesitation at all, Beatriz replies, ‘The one in the middle.’

The young man is amazed. ‘How in the world did you figure it out?’

“Easy for me,” Beatriz says. ‘I didn’t like her.’

At the end of Claire and Leroy first date,Leroy takes his favorite girl home. Encouraged by the night, Leroy decides to try for
that critical first kiss. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to
Claire,“Darling,what would you think about a goodnight kiss?”

Terrified,Clara answers,“Are you crazy? My parents will see us!”

“Oh come on!Don’t be so nervous. Who’s gonna see us at this hour?”

“No, please.Can you imagine if we get caught by my dad or mom?”

“Come on,relax…There’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”

“I can’t do. It’s just too risky!”

“Oh please, please,you know that I like you so much!!”

“I said no,no and again no. I like you too, but I just can’t!”

“Oh yes you can. Please?”

“No.I just can’t.”

“Please?…”

Out of the blue, the porch light goes on,and Clara’s sister shows up in her sleeping suit,her hair is messy.In a sleepy voice
the sister says: “Dad says to go ahead and give him a first kiss.Or maybe I can do it. Or if need be,dad will come down
himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!”

Ronald joins a very exclusive nudist community. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to walk around.

A gorgeous brunette walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The brunette notices Ronald’s erection, comes
over to him and asks, “Did you call for me?”

Ronald replies, “No,what do you mean?”

She says, “You must be new here. Let me explain. It’s a law here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.”
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him
have his way with her.

Ronald continues to explore the community. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.

Within seconds a gigantic,bearded guy lumbers out of the steam room toward him,

“Did you call for me?” says the gigantic guy.

“No, what do you mean?” says the rookie Ronald.

“You must be new,” says the gigantic guy, “it’s a law that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.” The huge man easily
spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The rookie Ronald staggers back to the community management office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked hot clerk,

“May I help you?” she says.

Ronald yells, “Here’s my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the 1000 bucks membership fee.”

“But, Sir,” she replies, “you’ve only been here for a few hours. You haven’t had the chance to see all our facilities.”

Ronald replies, “Listen young lady, I’m 70 years old. I only get an erection once in a month.But I fart 20 times a day.”

Teresa had a female parrot which always saying: “Hello, I am very hot. Do you want to have some fun?”

She was hopeless, so she went to the church to find priest for a solution to the problem. The priest said, “Bring your bird to
my house. I have two male parrots who read the bible and pray all the time. They will be a good influence on her.”

So,Teresa brought the parrot to priest’s house and put her parrot into the cage with the two male birds. She squawked,
“Hello, I am very hot. Do you want to have some fun?” One male parrot looked at the other one and said, “Put the Bible away,
our prayers have been answered.”

A young couple Harlan and Goldie had just finished having remarkable sex. Afterwards, Goldie looked in the box of
preservatives and saw that there were only six left out of the original twelve. She asked her boyfriend, “What happened to the
five other condoms?”

Harlan rather nervously and shiftily replied, “Ummm, I played by myself with them.”

The next day Goldie went to one of her male friends and told him what had happened. Then she said to her male friend,
“Have you ever done that?”
Her friend replied, “Yeah, a few times.”

Gloria said, “You mean you’ve actually m..turbated with a condom before?”

“Oh! I got it wrong,” he said, “I thought you were asking if I had ever lied to my girlfriend.”