Bode Buseth

Mrs. Parker

English 12

12 March 2018

Until Death Do Us Apart

​About 40 to 50 percent of married couples in the United States divorce. ​(“Marriage

and Divorce”)​. Divorce today is a lot different than it used to be. It's something that used

to be last resort and is now done without much thought. Some say that divorce is not a

problem and can be done, no big deal. Others think that divorce is not something that

you should be allowed to do or should do.​ ​Society is working to provide support for

families who feel divorce is their only choice against those who feel divorce is not an

option as it causes permanent psychological and emotional damage to all involved.

“The Matrimonial Causes Act in 1857 allowed ordinary people to divorce.”​(The

Guardian)​ Before this divorce was only open to men and had to be granted by an Act of

Parliament. It was very expensive to be granted therefore divorce was open to only the

rich. In 1969 a big change occurred when the divorce reform act was passed. This

allowed couples to divorce after they had been separated for two years. “Anyone who

divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery, and the man who

marries a divorced woman commits adultery”​(Luke 16:18)​. The Bible clearly states that

divorce is a sin. Many evangelicals believe that this command from God is justification

enough to avoid divorce. In an interview with the director of Marriage Matters, Shelby

Raines, said, “Marriage is a covenant between us and God, to sever that is not
something to be taken lightly”​(Raines)​. Back in the 1950’s people started getting

married at a younger age. They were expected to start their lives right after high school.

The roles of a husband and wife were that the man would go to work and be the

provider for the family while the wife would stay home to take care of the kids and do

the cleaning/cooking. Usually it was normal for girls to get married around 19 years old

and the boys at 21 years old. However, in the 50’s divorce rates were only about 23%.

With these statistics from the past, society has a huge job to bring together “no divorce

allowed ever,” with quickly ending a relationship that requires some work.

Today's marriage climate is a little different. In the twenty first century most

couples are both expected to work; both must financially support their families. Men on

the average are getting married around the age of 27. For women, it is around the age

of 25. With parents now expecting their kids to attend college after high school, this is

what pushes back the marriage age for the kids seeking higher education. The United

States divorce rate is now around 50% and people are wondering why society still takes

marriage so seriously with so many ending this way. Times have changed and so have

marriages. Should I stay at all costs? Should I get out as quickly as I can? Because

lifestyles have changed dramatically from the 50’s, It is a most difficult task for society to

support such opposing views on marriage.

There are different views on the negatives or cons of divorce. First, if there are any
children depending on what age they are, the divorce process can be very challenging

and confusing. The separation will be the most difficult for couples that have children.

“It’s nearly impossible to explain to kids why the separation must be done.”​(Pros and

Cons) ​Many parents and couples don't know how to explain the split in the best way for

the kids to understand. When parents are going through a divorce, the kids are

sometimes never included in these conversations. The effects on the kids can be from

emotionally being damaged or losing social skills to them thinking that they were the

ones who caused this and made the parents separate. In some cases divorce can be

even worse for the kids than the parents. “Divorce clearly increases the risk that

children will suffer from psychological and behavioral problems.”​(Emery) ​For this type of

child it would be very hard for society to support not being able to take place of their

parents.

Some of the different short term effects that divorce has on children are not being

addressed. Kids may feel abandoned or feel that they have greater responsibility

without their parents together. Some other short term effects may include kids having

trouble controlling their anger after going through this process. Many children also have

a hard time controlling their sadness. Finally, the kids may go through being parented

with less supervision growing up.

Other cons for not divorcing would be the effects on parents themselves. Staying

in the marriage and working it out could lead to happiness. It could also lead to many

other beneficial things later on. Staying married could also keep a family together. When

divorcing somebody it is also divorcing their family. Divorce will cause loss in
relationships and support. Next is friends. “​M​arried couples will often build friendships

with other couples, and time spent with these friends will be as a couple. After a divorce,

it can seem that there’s a barrier to contact these friends, because you’re now an

individual.”​ ​(Hassall)​People may not think this could be true but social life will change

after going through a divorce. After being married, a person has more confidence being

friends with other people and other couples. Confidence is another big reason that

marriages are healthy. When a person is married and has the commitment to someone

else it gives you more confidence in yourself and life in general. Loss of identity is

another thing that takes place in divorce. Both individuals lose their husband and wife

role that they were accustomed to. Finances is one that isn't the most important but still

takes a huge role in divorce. Divorcing somebody can be very expensive with legal fees.

It is also true the longer people stay together the more time they have to build up

assets. Staying married will also help a person stay financially stable most of the time.

Last but not least is the promise that is made when people choose to get married. When

a couple gets married, they make promises to each other in their vows to stay no matter

what. The numerous effects above are going to be extremely hard for a society to ever

completely be able to support.

“​Divorce can be the beginning of a fulfilling, better life. The only restrictions on 

your life will be those you impose.”​(Ferguson)​ ​Some of the pros about divorcing a

spouse would start with some of the major reasons why people today are no longer

together. Financial issues, physical abuse, alcohol, and drugs are near the top of the

lists why parents are no longer together today. If parents are just not able to stay
financially stable or ready to live with someone else then they sometimes look to get a

divorce. One or the other may later believe that he or she cannot afford the house, each

other, utilities, and kids. Physical abuse is not anything that anyone wants to have to go

through but today, unfortunately, it happens often in marriages. It may be the husband

or the wife being abused but either way, if it's hurting and taking a tole on somebody

than most people will realize they should not be with this person. Alcohol and drugs are

somewhat in the same category. If your spouse is drinking or doing drugs behind your

back, not stopping after you asked, or doing them to an obnoxious extent this is when

one may consider divorce. Society has it’s support over the years to the above issues of

drugs and domestic abuse. Society can have some effect but it is still not realistic that it

all be solved outside the home.

The solutions for divorce are different for everyone. Some of the different ways

are counseling, spending more quality time together, getting some accountability,

accepting that a spouse is not perfect, understanding and give each other space when

it's needed. First, counseling can help a lot when it comes to marriage. “Couples who

have gone through pre marriage counseling had a 30% higher marital success

rate.”​(Significant Premarital).​However, that's for couples who have not been married

yet. People who are already married and going towards divorce should also go through

counseling.” Unfortunately, there are a lot of couples who will wait until they feel totally

hopeless within their relationship before even considering seeing a professional

marriage counselor, but the reality is that it’s healthy for all couples to go at least a

couple of times per year.”​(Warren)​Sadly, most people wait until they are hopeless in
their relationship before even thinking about counseling. Studies have shown that

couples who go to some type of professional counselor during marriage even if it's twice

a year can get tips and tools that will strengthen the marriage. Marriage counseling has

also proven to improve emotional and physical intimacy, better their communication and

have a better connection between spouses. Second, counseling itself, can be spending

quality time with one’s spouse. Many people are feeling that they don't relate to one

another and it's causing unhappy marriages. Relearning how to relate to one another is

essential. If counseling is considered societal support, it is fortunate for those who can

afford it.

Kids, money, etc are also things that can cause marriages to be more stressful

and unhappy. This is why taking some alone time with a spouse can sometimes make

thing happier and less stressful.”​There are a lot of couples who are not happy in their

marriage simply because they don’t feel like they relate to one another

anymore.”​(Warren)​ Third is having accountability. “​Although your spouse should be your

main accountability partner, also look for some other married couples who can help to

hold you accountable as well.”​(Warren)​ Spouses can agree be each other’s

accountability, but it is important that couples have people outside their marriage who

can help hold them accountable, as well. It may even be another married couple.

Spouses should be figuring out how they can stay accountable to the vows each took

on their wedding day. As some couples see divorce as their only way out they need

friends and support systems along side of their marriage. Fourth is that one needs to

accept that one’s spouse is human too. Forgiveness is huge in all relationships but
especially in a marriage. Forgiveness isn't something that comes easy to everyone,

however it's something marriages can work on. Knowing that mistakes are part of the

marriage package is a major part of a marriages success. Finally, understanding when

one’s spouse may need space is something that is usually hard for couples to do. Just

because one is married to his/her spouse doesn't mean that one will never want a little

space. If something comes up that makes one want some space from the other, both

should allow that to happen. It will give them the time needed to realize and respect the

space you've given to where they feel more comfortable if it were to happen again.

Anne Boleyn is one of the most famous faces of historical divorce. The portrait of

her below depicts her devastation as she faces both the loss of her marriage and her

freedom. In a word, the breaking up of a marriage can be devastating. Looking at all of

the different pros, cons, statistics, and solutions to divorce with the task to help prevent

couple and families go through divorce this could be something to consider. While the

last few years are higher percent of divorce, people need to view these different points.

If people keep a perspective of divorce as something normal and simply done, then it

will continue. Couples in marriages that think the divorce is the last and final step they

can take need the support to stay away from permanent psychological and emotional

damage. Society’s role in supporting both views is rigorous.

(Erich Lessing)
 Works cited

American Psychological Association​, American Psychological Association,

www.apa.org/topics/divorce/​.

Ferguson, Carol. “21 Undeniable Benefits Of Being Divorced.” ​YourTango​, 1 Nov. 2012,

www.yourtango.com/experts/yourtango-experts/benefits-being-divorced-expert.

Foreman, Amanda. “The Heartbreaking History of Divorce.” ​Smithsonian.com​, Smithsonian

Institution, 1 Feb. 2014,

www.smithsonianmag.com/history/heartbreaking-history-of-divorce-180949439/.

“How Divorce Affects Children.” Emery about Children and Divorce,

emeryondivorce.com/how_divorce_affects_children.php.

Hussain, Assmiea. “5 Ways in Which Divorce Can Affect Your Social Life.” ​Wright Hassall​, 24 Jan.

2017, www.wrighthassall.co.uk/knowledge/blogs/2017/01/24/ways-which-divorce-affect-social-life/.

“Luke 16:18.” New International Version. Biblica, 2011. BibleGateway.com,

www.biblegateway.com/versions/New-International-Version-NIV-Bible/#booklist​.

Marriage.com. “Pros and Cons of Separation Before Divorce.” Marriage Advice - Best Marriage Advice &

Tips for Couples, Marriage.com, 9 Feb. 2018,

www.marriage.com/advice/separation/separation-before-divorce-pros-and-cons/​.
Raines, Shelby. Personal Interview. 27 February 2018.

“20 Significant Premarital Counseling Statistics.” HRFnd, 7 Oct. 2014,

healthresearchfunding.org/20-significant-premarital-counseling-statistics/.

The Guardian. ​www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2009/sep/19/divorce-law-history​.

Wizard, Our Family. “5 Best Proven Solutions to Divorce Problems.” Marriage Advice - Best Marriage

Advice & Tips for Couples, Marriage.com, 7 Nov. 2017,

www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/5-proven-solutions-to-divorce/.