Trevor Goehring Paper 1.

docx
by Trevor Goehring

Submission date: 29-Jan-2018 01:47PM (UT C-0600)

Submission ID: 908358945
File name: T revor Goehring Paper 1.docx (13.93K)
Word count: 525
Character count: 2576
 students

The
y

You're missing
intellectual identities if we encouraged part of the
them to do so at first on quote!
Sol
id
intr
about...?
o!
Pe
rso
nal
Cit e Paraphrase
ly, I
wo
uld
n't
cla
ssif
y
all Can you connect back to the
of thesis? For example, how does
Gr this discussion of "intellectualism
aff' by other means" help Graff
s support his argument?
Cit e Paraphrase su
pp
orti
ng
poi
nts
as
ex
am
Cit at ion Needed

It's hard to see the

difference between the
points of support in these
first two paragraphs. They
Missing ","
1 both seem to make the
same point. Do you see
Cit at ion Needed
that? How could you
make the paragraphs into
separate points of
support? Or can you
combine them somehow?

Cit e Paraphrase

up in

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 Graff is the only author of this essay! It al.

HI edited by....
pp. 264-270.

This citation is pretty

close! Just a few little
tweaks are needed, and
you can find the format
for citing a work in an
anthology on page 141,
#19 in The Little Seagull
Handbook.
Trevor Goehring Paper 1.docx
ORIGINALITY REPORT

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Exclude quotes Of f Exclude matches Of f

Exclude bibliography Of f
Trevor Goehring Paper 1.docx
GRADEMARK REPORT

FINAL GRADE GENERAL COMMENTS

Instructor

64
T revor,

I enjoyed reading your introduction, especially! It's

/80
one of the strongest that I've seen so f ar! Overall, a
little more work on organization and on development
would make this paper high B or even A quality. I'll
discuss how this might be done below.

First, let me explain how to use these comments. At

the beginning of the semester, I don't expect
everyone to be at their best; you should be writing at
your best at the end of the semester! So, you are
invited to revise any of the papers you wish to, and
these comments can help you when the time comes.
T his long note may include ref erences to comments
in the paper. Look into the body of the paper to the
lef t to see these comments (you may need to
change your view to see and scroll over them; use
the “Instructions f or Checking Assignment
Feedback” document f or how to do this).

So if you choose to revise this paper, work on these

areas:

1. Reconsider the first two paragraphs as

separate points of support.

Remember that the assignment explanation asks

you to write a new paragraph f or every new point of
support. It's very dif f icult to see the f irst two
paragraphs as dif f erent points of support. T hey
seem to make the same point--that Graf f was
uninterested in academic pursuits as a kid, but very
interested debating toughness and sports. indicate
an argument. Either you could make this into one
paragraph or you could more caref ully distinguish
between the two supporting points. Maybe the f irst
one is about sports and the second one about
toughness? Or maybe vice versa?

You'll have to decide, but the goal is to clearly show

the steps in the logic of the argument, and the steps
should be distinct.

2. Closely connected to the previous point,

work on topic sentences. Since your job here is
to summarize the logic of Graf f 's argument, your
topic sentences need to clearly announce the next
step or move in Graf f 's support. Look at the topic
sentence in the note at the beginning of the last
paragraph as an example.

3. Consider adding another point of support.

What about pages 268 onward? You essentially
skip over those pages. Yes, a summary needs to be
shorter, but a summary also need to cover all the
major points of support. T hat comparison between
the worlds of sports and academic or intellectual lif e
seems another important point of support (but there
are others). It almost seems like you covered the
f irst handf ul of pages in the essay caref ully, but lef t
out the end.

I also think if you took out that statement about

personal experience at the end of the intro and used
personal experience as a point of support in the
body of the paper, you might f eel more f reed to
identif y points of support that aren't so obviously
Graf f 's own experience.

4.Divide the conclusion from the last point of

support. See the comment at the end.

5. Work on citation. In particular, you do not cite all

your quotes or all paraphrased inf ormation.
 Remember that if you can f ind the inf ormation on a
specif ic page, it needs citation, even if that
inf ormation is stated in your own words. Your end-
text citation is pretty good, but a f ew little changes
would help.

Please let me know if you have questions or want to

talk about a comment or concern!

PAGE 1

Text Comment. students

Text Comment. T hey

Text Comment. You're missing part of the quote!

Text Comment. intellectual identities if we encouraged them to do so at f irst on

Text Comment. Solid intro! Personally, I wouldn't classif y all of Graf f 's supporting points
as examples as f rom his childhood, but I also can see how that classif ication is possible.

Text Comment. about...?

QM Cite Paraphrase
Paraphrased inf ormation needs citation too!

Text Comment. Can you connect back to the thesis? For example, how does this
discussion of "intellectualism by other means" help Graf f support his argument?

QM Cite Paraphrase
Paraphrased inf ormation needs citation too!

PAGE 2

QM Citation Needed
Cite this.
 Text Comment. It's hard to see the dif f erence between the points of support in these f irst
two paragraphs. T hey both seem to make the same point. Do you see that? How could you
make the paragraphs into separate points of support? Or can you combine them somehow?

QM Missing ","
Missing comma:
T hough it may not always be grammatically necessary, a comma can of ten help to prevent a
misreading. When a sentence opens with an introductory element (a phrase, clause or word that
is logically related to another phrase or clause in the same sentence), it is a great help to your
reader to place a comma af ter that introductory element. Such phrases will of ten begin with
words like "because," "while" or "although," as in the f ollowing example: "While everyone was
f ighting, the bear wandered away." As you can see, without the comma, the sentence would be
conf using.

Comment 1
Work on the topic sentence here. In particular, try to insert a sentence in which you aren't
summarizing, but are explaining what the next point of support is. For example, "Comparing the
world of sports to the world of academics, Graf f explains that he eventually realized popular
interests can have similar traits to the academic world."

QM Citation Needed
Cite this.

QM Cite Paraphrase
Paraphrased inf ormation needs citation too!

Text Comment. up in

Text Comment. ??

Text Comment. Your conclusion and f inal point of support seem to be combined together
in one paragraph. Do you see that? Separate the concluding ideas of f f rom the rest of the
paper. Remember that the assignment explanation said your conclusion might be short.

PAGE 3

Text Comment. Graf f is the only author of this essay!

QM Ital.
Italicize

Strikethrough.
 Text Comment. edited by....

QM HI
Don't f orget hanging indent!

Text Comment. pp. 264-270.

Text Comment. T his citation is pretty close! Just a f ew little tweaks are needed, and you
can f ind the f ormat f or citing a work in an anthology on page 141, #19 in T he Little Seagull
Handbook.
RUBRIC: SUMMARY RUBRIC 8 / 10

IDENT IFY ARG (12%) 9 / 10

A Accurately and elegantly names argument

(10)

A/B
(9)

B Accurately names argument

(8)

B/C
(8)

C Generally understand argument

(7)

C/D
(7)

D Little sense of understanding argument

(6)

D/F
(5)

F No accurate sense of argument

(5)

LOW F
(4)

DEVELOPMENT (12%) 8 / 10

A Accurately discusses every important point of the support and links it to the
(10) argument

A/B
(9)

B Accurately identif ies most points of support and links to argument

(8)

B/C
(8)

C Accurately identif ies many points of support, but may not link to argument well
(7)

C/D
(7)
D Include inaccurate points of support and f ew explanations of links to argument
(6)

D/F
(5)

F Multiple errors of D category

(5)

LOW F
(4)

DET AIL (12%) 8 / 10

A Uses well-chosen, specif ic examples f rom the essay to illustrate (not a list)
(10)

A/B
(9)

B Uses specif ic examples f rom the essay to illustrate

(8)

B/C
(8)

C Uses vague examples and may need more or may be a list

(7)

C/D
(7)

D Includes almost no examples; those included are very vague; may list too many minute
(6) details

D/F
(5)

F Multiple errors of D category

(5)

LOW F
(4)

ORGANIZ AT ION (12%) 8 / 10

A Ideas organized logically with strong, evident transitions between paragraphs and
(10) concluding statements at the end of paragraphs

A/B
(9)

B Organized well with transitions and concluding statements

(8)

B/C
(8)

C Organization is accurate but very basic; may have no or very simple transitions ("f irst,
(7) second, third") and f ew concluding statements

C/D
(7)

D Organization is weak and transition and concluding elements absent

(6)

D/F
(5)

F Organization is illogical
(5)

LOW F
(4)

INT RODUCT ION (12%) 9 / 10

A Concise, but identif ies argument (with thesis appropriate f or summary)

(10)

A/B
(9)

B May be f lawed, but clearly states argument

(8)

B/C
(8)

C Flawed, but more or less identif ies argument

(7)

C/D
(7)

D Hints at but does not identif y argument

(6)

D/F
(5)

F Exists, but doesn't identif y argument

(5)

LOW F No introduction
(4)
CONCLUSION (12%) 5 / 10

A Elegantly wraps up the summary in a f ew sentences

(10)

A/B
(9)

B Wraps up summary in a f ew sentences

(8)

B/C
(8)

C Wraps up summary, but may be long short or otherwise f lawed

(7)

C/D
(7)

D Little sense of conclusion

(6)

D/F
(5)

F Conclusion absent
(5)

LOW F
(4)

GRAMMAR/ST YLE (12%) 9 / 10

A Uses attribution very well; very f ew grammar/mechanics errors; language doesn't

(10) hinder reader; no opinion statements

A/B
(9)

B Uses attribution; f ew grammar and mechanics errors, but these might disrupt reader;
(8) no opinion statements

B/C
(8)

C May need more attribution statements; some subtle opinion language is used; some
(7) error patterns disrupt reader

C/D
(7)

D Almost no attribution; f requent error patterns; may express opinion f requently

(6)

D/F
(5)

F No attribution; persistent error patterns or no proof reading; may express opinion

(5) f requently

LOW F
(4)

CIT AT ION (12%) 8 / 10

A Includes end-text and in-text f or quotes and specif ics; may have small errors
(10)

A/B
(9)

B Includes end-text and in-text f or quotes; may have small errors

(8)

B/C
(8)

C Includes end-text or in-text, but not both, and with errors

(7)

C/D
(7)

D Some sense of need f or citation, but incorrect

(6)

D/F
(5)

F
(5)

LOW F
(4)