Beruflich Dokumente
Kultur Dokumente
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several sternly worded emails, it’s the most backpedaling band in the
[Fanfare]
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Featuring:
[Fanfare]
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the shelves are long lasting, but sadly not the men, and the women are
checked out but long overdue. As well as cheating in STEM going up,
quality of STEM going down, and Econ at an all time NOT THE E IN STEM,
the Band now presents its 67th consecutive, 69th semiannual drive to lower
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Barnard students, please set your vibrators to phone. Let’s start the show!
[Who Owns]
{JOKE 1 – FRATS}
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Earlier this week, Columbia students were shocked to learn that they had a
new least favorite Upstate New York|, semi-private research university| with
saying… (deep breath) very bad things. Fraternity bros claim that the video
of them| pledging to hate anyone who isn’t white was just a harmless skit,
the band would like to think that ending racist fraternities is as simple as
pushing Syracuse into the Erie Canal, but unfortunately, it turns out racism
is as much a part of Greek Life as hazing, getting your ass paddled by your
Not to be upstaged, frat bros in Lambda Chi Alpha at Cal Poly took the
focus of their frat parties from “gin and blow” to “Jim Crow”. After news
broke that they had worn blackface and dressed as self-proclaimed “Latino
gang members”, students protested, but Cal Poly’s president just shrugged
and said “free speech bro.” Eventually, Prezbo-lite had to wake up and
smell the racism after another frat pulled the same stunt – putting students
of color through a Groundhog Day of racism. Cal Poly’s Greek life has been
suspended for two years, hopefully long enough for them to get costumes
more culturally sensitive than that time your mother dressed your white ass
as Pocahontas.
Before you start thinking Columbia solved racism back in the 80s when
Obama went here, our frats can also be as toxic as the kitchen at
Nussbaum. A Spec op-ed recently broke news that no one at Columbia had
known before – Columbia frats can be racist too! The article discussed a
disgusting – who the hell still plays Settlers of Catan? This student’s
experience just goes to show that Greek life is still as dominated by
band hope that frats on campus can clean up their act, but more
realistically they’ll probably just continue using racist and sexist slurs until
band now forms a suspension letter and plays “Buddy, Holy Shit that’s
Racist”.
[Buddy Holly]
like 2007 Britney. While the grass is being rolled out, and Athena is
Barnard students have been eating out in more ways than one.
inspectors discovered that the kitchens were crawling with vermin, and
we’re not just talking about members of the rowing team. This might be
feeding prisoners and public school children meat that is definitely not
that Barnard only ended up with some rat poop, and not kosher,
chopped-up dick.
And then Barnard took food security way too literally. The NYPD arrested a
student in Hewitt for refusing to put down a fork while having a seizure –
because if there’s one thing the police care about it’s table manners. By
calling the cops, the Head Chef proved that Hewitt is more afraid of
reminded that they can’t actually have it all, when the late night puke on the
JJs staircase hit critical mass and the whole thing was removed for
sign-ins like the kid in Oliver Twist: “Please sir, may I have some mozz
sticks?”
But before you students at “The College” start getting all high and mighty,
Suites in EC will not have ovens or stoves for the next school year, forcing
have to cook their food the same way they cook other things – with a lighter
and a rusty spoon. Rising seniors got no sympathy from the administration,
greasy Ferris pizza. This year, members of GSSC and USenate finally
opened up Columbia’s student-run food bank– the only type of bank where
finance bros don’t want an internship. That initiative was followed up this
semester with Share Meals, an app advertised less than the ten millionth
Kingsmen concert of the semester. While it’s nice to see Columbia trying,
we in the band know what food security really means: to feel secure and
In honor of Hewitt’s rating being higher than our GPAs, the band now forms
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This semester, Columbia’s campus finally got the mental health resource
we’ve all been waiting for: Elitist Memes. That’s right, Elitist Memes for
Every Ivy League Teen started as a place for students from all top schools
and cut-and-paste “Ivy League as” jokes. Otherwise known as, shitting on
Cornell. But perhaps the greatest repeat offender is the “Tag Yourself”
meme: which allows Ivy League students to do the two things they love
most: putting themselves into arbitrary categories and, you guessed it,
shitting on Cornell!
Well, we in the band want to get in on the Elitist Meme action. So, without
At Princeton, elitism is measured by what you eat, where you eat, and who
you eat. Eating clubs are not “officially” affiliated with Princeton University,
in the same way that “whites only” is not “officially” their admissions policy.
They’ve turned the act of eating into an elitist tradition, which is a ballsy
move for a school that shares a mascot with a brand of mediocre breakfast
cereal.
Next in our elitist meme is Dartmouth, where you’ll be right at home if you
want the ruggedness of camping with the comfort of a Double Tree Hotel.
Dartmouth might be the easiest “real” Ivy to get into, yet they still choose to
live in a place where you have to spoon livestock for warmth. Fartmouth
students think they’re so elite, (“HOW ELITE ARE THEY?”) they still chose
sheep over people. In the rest of the Ivy League, we wear wool – but at
And now for Yale. Students at Yale act like they’re elite, but they’re just like
their mascot: they drool at the sight of meat, they roll over on command,
and they don’t get any tail. Yalies are so elite that the only smashing they
do is when they smash the dreams of the working class. Plus, Yalies don’t
see any bush unless it’s named George and it plans to invade Iraq.
Brown has given up most of its elitist traditions over the years, like the
exclusive drag-racing across Rhode Island club or the concept of giving out
Brown, frankly aren’t the most elite. But, just like Mark Zuckerberg
sometimes pretends to be a real boy, Brown students sometimes trade in
Speaking of doing high class drugs, Columbia! Not to toot our own horns,
also OWN the most expensive city! Guess we really do put the Columbus
pushing out local businesses and replacing them with shrines to his
colonizer god – econ. But if Columbia owns all of New York, we in the band
Though Cornell is basically a state school, the fact that they still have the
Cornell is an Ivy the same way that Staten Island is a borough of New York
City – big, red, and full of trash. Cornell students have the kind of reckless
elitism that makes them live on a hill high above lake Cayuga… and start a
parents for a Canada Goose jacket, and plays “Paint it, Gold.”
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This year, the nation shot into action about gun control for the first time
since...the nation last shot into action about gun control. The Parkland
teenagers showed us that students can be passionate about more than just
Tide Pods™. But the older and stodgier people of the nation were confused
– what are your teenage years for if not fearing for your life every time
you’re in a crowd of more than five people? A growing youth movement has
pointed out that if you feel like you need an AR-15 to defend your home,
In the wake of the tragedy, the Parkland teenagers organized the March for
Our Lives, making every college student realize we probably should have
spent our high school years doing more than smoking in the parking lot and
giving bathroom blowjobs. These brave kids proved that the Internet can be
used for good, and not just for reddit threads and vine compilations. Also,
they got more people to go for a walk than any Healthy American campaign
ever did. We miss the days when kids learned that “the mitochondria is the
powerhouse of the cell” and not “the window is the most vulnerable part of
this classroom”.
While the student marchers called for common sense gun reform, the NRA
called for arming babies. After all, the NRA claims that the only way to
prevent gun violence is more guns, which is like trying to improve your GPA
clear than Parkland student’s backpacks. If the NRA had its way, every
University would have armed guards, meaning they’d make Fausta protect
have a way to deal with that one loud CC boy in every class. We in the
band have to wonder: when republicans say they want people to carry guns
If we are going to take advice from the generation that still refers to Eastern
Europeans as “the reds”, then we might as well replace our high school
curriculums with hiding under your desk and waiting for Sputnik to come
In honor of your high school bio teacher armed with an AR-15 the band
now forms an active shooter drill and plays We’re All Locked In The
Classroom Together.
{JOKE 5 – BDS}
{GLORIANA}
Out in the world, we’ve seen opposing sides come together in powerful
displays of unity: North and South Korea, Bill Cosby and prison, ...but here
Kanye and American history. Israel Apartheid Week turned into Israel
presented their views in front of the most powerful, the most influential
group at Barnard: S G A!
SGA issued a referendum, making their council meetings better attended
Israel-profiting companies, which is like walking into the Diana Center and
shouting “Everyone, tell me about your daddy issues!” Those from all
positions worked to get out the vote: pro-Israel, pro-Palestine, and that one
person who thought this was the referendum to ban all cis men from
campus.
opinion pieces on “the little Jewish college that could.” But while SGA was
SGA, in all its pant-suited glory, decided to send the letter anyway. And just
in case they hadn’t already gotten the message, Beilock sent them another
response, as though the council is a kid with her hand in the organic
free-range liberated cookie jar. Beilock claims she’s all for “civil discourse”
but we know the only discourse she wants is whether Barnard should put a
But we in the band have come up with a solution for everyone: Barnard
should really divest from the global market of big acronyms. Think about it.
for Israel, Unless They’re for Palestine, and Also Students Who Haven’t
Opinions, And Students Who Aren’t Vested in The Outcome Either Way
SFIUTFPAASWHQMUTMYAWASWHNOASWAVITOEWBWATRTROTR.
In honor of unity, the band now forms your new Facebook profile filter and
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Being a grad student at Columbia right now is like being a rat in a Carman
suite: you’re running from falling ceilings, nobody wants you to have sex,
and the administration would prefer if you didn’t exist. The latest group of
While MFA students aren’t getting what they paid for, grad students just
aren’t getting paid. Their union has begged Provost Coatsworth for
recognition for years – we haven’t seen anyone ignore the popular vote this
hard since 2016! Grad students starting picketing, shutting down campus
faster than three inches of snow. We were shocked to find out the Grad
students are also musicians when they pulled out those plastic buckets
support the grad students but Prezbo and his brand-new Audi were
Provost to do his dirty work and run Columbia’s Union Hunger Games, a
Coatsworth has shown he’s even less interested in Unions than Mississippi
As though the lives of grad students aren’t hard enough, the University
Senate is now trying to make it harder for them to get hard. They recently
ban won’t just protect you from your creepy, 89-year-old Lit-Hum professor
Wein walk-through double. The policy would require TAs to get a special
permission slip from Coatsworth to have sex, which is basically the Barnard
sign out policy 2.0! After news of the proposal broke, there was a reported
This leaves us with one big question: if one undergrad TA wants to fuck
banned and allowed until you ask the Provost and find out?
[Holiday]
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Well, that’s all for us tonight, folks. But before we go, we’d like to leave you
with a few study hints for the big Orgo exam tomorrow:
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Hormones are peptide or small molecule physiologic signals. Her moans
are what you hear through your John Jay walls every weekend.
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In SN2 reactions, methyl groups are more favorable than primary carbons.
At Fox news, opinionated white, male groups are more favorable than
primary sources.
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And finally, in chemistry, elements that are not part of the solution are part
of the precipitate, whereas, at Columbia, students who are not part of the
solution are part of the Band!
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Thanks and good night folks! Try not to break any bookcases on your way
out!
[Raw]