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AmericasCardroom.com brings poker back
Million Dollar Sunday Tournament every Sunday

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- We didn't find the Quagmires.
- Not yet.

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They could be anywhere.

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Anywhere but 667 Dark Avenue,
so we learned something.

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Not enough.

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Those poor children,
they must be so scared right now,

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and all alone.

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You found us.

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This story is not about a happy reunion.

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I'm so happy to see you.

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I've never been so happy to see anyone.

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I've read hundreds of newspaper articles,
diaries,

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and more than one
lavishly illustrated catalog

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in an attempt to understand the sad story
of the Baudelaire orphans.

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The horrors I have found
are best expressed not with words

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but with a sound you'll hear
later in this episode.

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It's the sound
of a long scream in the dark.

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As the Baudelaires rejoiced
at finding their friends...

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- How did you find us?
- It was Klaus' idea.

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It was Violet's invention.

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They had no inkling of the terror...

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The horror...

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and the dramatic fall
they would experience

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in this elevator shaft

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before this episode
in their lives was over.

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If you continue to watch,
you may find yourself screaming as well.
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Can you pick this lock?

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Not without any tools.
I wish I could see what's down here.

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Try this.

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See the markings? If you line them up...

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And give it
a half-turn counterclockwise.

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We learned that in The Incomplete
History of Secret Organizations.

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You found it?

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Right before we were kidnapped.
We took as many notes as we could.

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We may be kidnap victims,
but I'm still a journalist.

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- We've learned many haunting secrets.
- About our parents. And your parents, too.

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We were right. Everything is connected.

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Well, what did you learn?

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Tell us when you're safe.
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We heard Olaf's plan.

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He'll hide us in an item at the In Auction
and sneak us out of the city tomorrow.

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No, he's not.
You're coming with us, right now.

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I think it's an electromagnetic circuit.
It's not just light, it's heat.

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I wonder...

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The Incomplete History
of Secret Organizations

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said it can be used
for all sorts of things.

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Maybe it can melt the lock.

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- Did it melt?
- No. It just got hotter.

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It's not gonna work.
I can feel it overheating.

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There must be something else you can use.

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Can you hand me that newspaper?

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Heat rises.
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What?

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- We have to go back to that penthouse.
- You're leaving?

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We're gonna find something there
to get you out.

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Gather the handkerchief
as tight as you can.

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- I see what you mean. Heat rises.
- And so will we.

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Sunny and I should stay here.

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No, Klaus. Help your sister.
Just come back soon.

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- We will.
- We promise.

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You saved us at Prufrock.
We'd be in Olaf's clutches if not for you.

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- So I'm sure you know.
- What?

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What friends are for.

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- Hey! You!
- Is just handsome foreign man

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and pretty lady dragging
someone unconscious, please.

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I thought it might be
something suspicious.

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There's still a citywide manhunt.
Did you have a nice evening, Mrs. Squalor?

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Oh, my, yes.

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There's nothing quite like
a luxurious 46-course lunch

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followed by hot pickled fish
and lengthy musical numbers.

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You flatter me, please.

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Now drag the snoring husband upstairs,
pretty lady.

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- I must make arrangements here.
- Righto.

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Come on, Jerome. Up, up!

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Sorry for being suspicious.

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You can't be too careful
with an actor on the loose.

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I couldn't agree more.

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Let's hope we make it to the top
before the Squalors and Olaf get home.

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Can you smell smoke?

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The handkerchief!

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The fabric is burning.
The heat is too intense.

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- What do we do?
- I need to moderate the temperature.

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It has to be hot enough to rise
but not so hot that it burns.

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That sounds very specific.

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- How far from the top are we?
- Not close enough.

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How high up are we?

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I'm gonna fix this.

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Come on.

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If I turn it on and off,
it might stabilize.

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Okay, okay. It's... it's working.

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If we maintain a consistent heat level,
we should make it.

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For a second, I thought we...

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Sunny.

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I saw a circular saw in the penthouse.
We can use it to cut the bars.

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- Olaf.
- He can't know we've found them.

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- Jerome!
- What happened to him?

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Nothing to worry about, darlings.
He just collapsed in the middle of dinner.

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- Collapsed?
- Fell sound asleep.

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You should be asleep, too.
It's whatever time it is.

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- Is Gunther here?
- Who? No, no.

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Do you smell something? Like a...

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school librarian smell?

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- Jerome, wake up.
- Let him rest.
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Sleep is natural,
like cosmetics or frivolous lawsuits.

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- We need to tell him something important.
- Tell me. I'm important.

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And you're important to me.

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I know I seem
like an insanely powerful woman

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who spends too much time at work
and too much money on earrings.

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But I'm also your guardian.
You can tell me anything.

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Well, you might not believe us.

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Try me.

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"Opening night at Herring Houdini was
a success the size of the Hindenburg."

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"This fishy, very in restaurant
attracted a crowd ranging

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from the city's most prominent bankers
to the most prominent financial advisors."

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- Herring Houdini.
- It's me, idiot.

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- Oh, hey!
- Something's fishy.

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Why are you hanging
around that restaurant?

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- I'm sorry.
- There's a new plan.

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- Get a big net. And fast. Goodbye.
- The biggest net we can find. Okay. Bye.

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He already hung up. Okay.

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Hey! Get the net!

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This is terrible. Let me understand.
Gunther is Olaf in disguise?

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His boot covers his tattoo,
and his sunglasses hide his eyebrow.

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He's hidden your friends in a cage
at the bottom of my elevator.

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There's no elevator
behind those doors. It's ersatz.

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Gesundheit.

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He plans to sneak them
out of town at the In Auction

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by hiding them inside an item
in this glossy, classy catalog?
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This is the least in thing
I have ever heard.

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This is a complicated plot.

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I'm surprised children
like yourselves figured it out.

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Your bravery and smarts are remarkable.
I need a drink.

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Parsley soda.

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The Daily Punctilio says it's
the innest thing since aqueous martinis.

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- Try it.
- No, thank...

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Try it.

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- What do you think?
- It tastes like parsley.

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Isn't it remarkable?
I taste the same thing.

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- Mrs. Squalor...
- Esmé.

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- Esmé.
- I know what you're going to say.

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There isn't time
to drink savory beverages.

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We must end this terrible scheme.

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We will have Gunther arrested
and the Quagmires set free.

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Put down your drinks.
There's no time to waste.

145
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We've got to tell the police
as quickly as possible.

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Luckily,
the nearest police station isn't far away.

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It's too bad we've got to
take all those stairs again.

148
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We could slide down the banister,

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which would be quicker,
though less dignified.

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Oh! I know! We'll take the elevator.

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In times of dire circumstance,

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I have to remind myself that whatever
distress or heartbreak I might experience,

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I can take some comfort that I am not,
as the Baudelaires once were,
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falling down an elevator shaft
for an interminable amount of time...

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...only to land
with a sort of panicky relief into a net.

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- We're okay.
- What?

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We're okay. We landed in a net.

158
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We're not okay. We're not half-okay.

159
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We're not even 1/27th okay.

160
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Our friends are kidnapped

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and our guardian threw us
down an elevator shaft!

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We're alive.

163
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You are alive, Baudelaires,
but you are definitely not okay.

164
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You and the Quagmires
are going to be smuggled out of town,

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and I can guarantee
that you orphans will never be okay again!

166
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What...
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Line?

168
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- "What a wonderful..."
- Yes, yes, yes.

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What a wonderful and profitable day!

170
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Count Olaf, my former acting coach,

171
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will finally get his hands on not one
but two enormous fortunes!

172
00:12:07,458 --> 00:12:10,833
Your former acting coach?

173
00:12:10,916 --> 00:12:13,666
You knew Gunther's identity
the entire time?

174
00:12:13,750 --> 00:12:17,250
Course I did. I'm an actor.

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I was acting.

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I had to fool you
and my dim-witted husband

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into thinking he was an auctioneer.

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You really are starting
to grow as a thesbian.

179
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Thesbian?

180
00:12:29,833 --> 00:12:31,791
Well, I do love horses.

181
00:12:31,875 --> 00:12:33,583
You are our guardian!

182
00:12:33,666 --> 00:12:36,625
You're supposed to keep us safe,
not throw us down elevator shafts,

183
00:12:36,708 --> 00:12:38,791
work with villains
and try to steal our fortune!

184
00:12:47,083 --> 00:12:49,333
But I want to steal from you.

185
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I want to steal from you
the way Beatrice stole from me!

186
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What did you say?

187
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- I barely know anything about any of this.
- Let me bring you up to speed.

188
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The Quagmire kidnapping
is the result of a murder

189
00:13:07,208 --> 00:13:10,333
which is the result of an arson,
a moving violation,

190
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a misdemeanor, two poison darts,
three civil suits and a stolen object.

191
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The world is complicated.

192
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- That's usually the case.
- Maybe I'm not cut out for this.
193
00:13:18,833 --> 00:13:22,291
Maybe I should go back to my library,
where things are safe and organized,

194
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if also lonely and unfulfilled.

195
00:13:23,791 --> 00:13:26,208
As a cab driver, I have to take you
where you want to go.

196
00:13:26,291 --> 00:13:29,208
But as a volunteer,
I don't want to take you back to Prufrock.

197
00:13:29,291 --> 00:13:31,625
- You're needed, Olivia Caliban.
- Why?

198
00:13:32,458 --> 00:13:35,291
I can show you, but once you see it,
it'll be hard to turn back.

199
00:13:35,375 --> 00:13:36,333
Is it far?

200
00:13:36,416 --> 00:13:38,666
I'll have to turn back.
Hang on to something sturdy.

201
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A story that began with a stolen object,
a moving violation, a misdemeanor,

202
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two poison darts and three civil suits,
settled out of court...

203
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Ends with three orphans in a net

204
00:14:00,166 --> 00:14:03,000
and two more being dragged
to the auction house.

205
00:14:03,083 --> 00:14:04,875
I love a happy ending.

206
00:14:04,958 --> 00:14:07,166
It's like Wuthering Heights,
which I never read.

207
00:14:07,750 --> 00:14:12,541
Olaf, darling, it's been
so lonely living in a penthouse

208
00:14:12,625 --> 00:14:15,333
with nothing but insane wealth and luxury,

209
00:14:15,416 --> 00:14:17,458
and a husband I married
for complicated reasons

210
00:14:17,541 --> 00:14:19,125
and also an elevator.

211
00:14:19,875 --> 00:14:22,333
If I knew adopting the Baudelaires
would bring you back,

212
00:14:22,416 --> 00:14:23,625
I would've orphaned them myself.

213
00:14:23,708 --> 00:14:27,916
To the star of a citywide manhunt

214
00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:31,875
and the incredibly stylish woman
who found him again after all this time.

215
00:14:31,958 --> 00:14:36,500
To us, my darling,
and to the taste of victory.

216
00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:41,250
What's in this?

217
00:14:44,666 --> 00:14:48,375
- It's parsley, darling. Parsley soda.
- Parsley? Why would...

218
00:14:48,958 --> 00:14:50,583
Hmm...

219
00:14:50,833 --> 00:14:52,875
Have you never heard of banana daiquiris?

220
00:14:52,958 --> 00:14:55,500
- Bananas aren't in.
- We'll see about that.

221
00:14:56,666 --> 00:15:00,291
Now that we've fooled the city
and knocked your husband unconscious,

222
00:15:01,166 --> 00:15:02,958
I think it's time...

223
00:15:04,500 --> 00:15:05,583
Oh.

224
00:15:05,666 --> 00:15:07,000
For a little...

225
00:15:10,916 --> 00:15:12,791
Celebratory dancing.

226
00:15:15,875 --> 00:15:17,958
- What?
- If you're up for it.

227
00:15:18,041 --> 00:15:19,333
Oh.

228
00:15:20,541 --> 00:15:23,541
Okay, yes. Dancing sounds fun.

229
00:15:23,625 --> 00:15:24,833
Why? What did you...

230
00:15:24,916 --> 00:15:27,666
Dancing, yes!
Dancing. That's what I was...

231
00:15:27,750 --> 00:15:31,000
An evening of dancing.

232
00:15:46,250 --> 00:15:48,250
- Duncan?
- Isadora?

233
00:15:50,625 --> 00:15:51,833
Why aren't they answering?

234
00:15:51,916 --> 00:15:53,291
Maybe Olaf took them
when he set up this net.

235
00:15:53,375 --> 00:15:55,291
We won't know unless we go down.

236
00:15:55,375 --> 00:15:59,583
- We could use this net as a climbing rope.
- It might not be long enough.

237
00:15:59,666 --> 00:16:03,041
- Or strong enough.
- If we can't go down, can we go up?

238
00:16:03,958 --> 00:16:07,125
The piping is too small to grip.
Unless you had...

239
00:16:07,208 --> 00:16:08,291
Very small hands.

240
00:16:11,166 --> 00:16:13,708
- Sunny, no!
- Sunny, it's too dangerous.

241
00:16:19,750 --> 00:16:20,708
- Sunny, no!
- Sunny!

242
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:36,500
I can't believe it.

243
00:16:36,583 --> 00:16:38,916
That our baby sister
is climbing up an elevator shaft

244
00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:41,541
- with the help of her teeth?
- I can't believe any of it.
245
00:16:45,375 --> 00:16:48,041
It may be difficult to believe,
but at any moment,

246
00:16:48,125 --> 00:16:50,833
someone somewhere is
in a dangerous situation

247
00:16:50,916 --> 00:16:54,791
and other people in some other place
are dancing and having a good time.

248
00:16:56,083 --> 00:16:57,791
The world is often like this.

249
00:16:57,875 --> 00:17:01,333
A celebration here,
terrible trouble just outside the door,

250
00:17:01,416 --> 00:17:05,333
but elsewhere,
a chance to end a villain's treachery.

251
00:17:05,416 --> 00:17:08,791
- Let's do some reading.
- A kidnapping underground...

252
00:17:08,875 --> 00:17:11,916
- It's this way.
- Are you sure? Let me see the map.

253
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:13,750
Let us out.
You won't get away with this.

254
00:17:13,833 --> 00:17:14,916
And in a penthouse...

255
00:17:16,250 --> 00:17:17,875
a daring escape.

256
00:17:20,916 --> 00:17:23,791
The management regrets
it cannot allow orphans to escape.

257
00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:27,583
What does "perfidy" mean?

258
00:17:29,125 --> 00:17:30,083
Oh.

259
00:17:32,208 --> 00:17:34,916
You're clever,
and you're good with your teeth.

260
00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:36,583
Play your cards right, you could join us

261
00:17:36,666 --> 00:17:38,875
instead of surrendering your fortune
and your life.

262
00:17:40,916 --> 00:17:43,250
Where do you think you're going? Hey!

263
00:17:52,791 --> 00:17:55,416
We've been dancing a while.
Maybe we could...

264
00:17:55,500 --> 00:17:56,708
Twirl? Absolutely.

265
00:18:19,958 --> 00:18:22,583
Darling, these boots must be killing you.

266
00:18:23,416 --> 00:18:27,375
- Why don't you unlace them and...
- High kick? I couldn't agree more!

267
00:18:45,208 --> 00:18:46,833
I'm coming for you, baby!

268
00:18:48,375 --> 00:18:51,041
- Do you hear something?
- Probably the maracas.

269
00:18:59,583 --> 00:19:01,458
You are in big trouble!

270
00:19:04,083 --> 00:19:05,541
What am I supposed to do with this?
271
00:19:11,125 --> 00:19:12,208
Oh.

272
00:19:12,291 --> 00:19:14,583
Oh, no!
You're not bribing your way out of this.

273
00:19:14,666 --> 00:19:17,083
How will I explain
why you're not in that shaft?

274
00:19:21,666 --> 00:19:23,458
Oh, well, that worked out.

275
00:19:23,541 --> 00:19:26,125
- I think I found something.
- "VFD."

276
00:19:26,208 --> 00:19:28,208
The Quagmires said it
when they were kidnapped.

277
00:19:28,291 --> 00:19:30,541
- It must be important.
- Olaf must be using Lot 49

278
00:19:30,625 --> 00:19:32,750
to smuggle them out of town.

279
00:19:32,833 --> 00:19:35,375
- What does VFD stand for?
- I wish I knew.

280
00:19:47,291 --> 00:19:49,083
- You're safe.
- Did you get help?

281
00:19:53,458 --> 00:19:55,916
- The Devil's Tongue knot?
- The Devil's Tongue knot.

282
00:20:06,666 --> 00:20:10,791
They're gone. We left them alone,
and we've lost them again.

283
00:20:14,041 --> 00:20:15,541
We haven't lost them yet.

284
00:20:22,958 --> 00:20:25,791
- We don't know where it goes.
- We know where he's taking them.

285
00:20:25,875 --> 00:20:26,916
Veblen Hall.

286
00:20:28,583 --> 00:20:31,166
I hope there's a way up soon.
It's almost morning.

287
00:20:31,250 --> 00:20:35,333
Why would there be a secret passage here?
Do you think Jerome knows?

288
00:20:35,416 --> 00:20:38,125
I bet Esmé does.
That's probably why Count Olaf knows.

289
00:20:39,333 --> 00:20:40,833
- What do you think Esmé meant...
- Look.

290
00:20:51,916 --> 00:20:52,958
Ashes?

291
00:21:00,416 --> 00:21:02,291
- That was Olaf.
- Are you sure?

292
00:21:02,375 --> 00:21:04,375
You saw the tattoo. Who else could it be?

293
00:21:11,625 --> 00:21:13,666
- Now I know.
- Now you know.

294
00:21:13,750 --> 00:21:15,125
- But a sugar bowl?
- A sugar bowl.

295
00:21:15,208 --> 00:21:18,208
It's hard to believe something so small
could cause so much devastation.
296
00:21:18,291 --> 00:21:19,791
Or the loss of so many lives.

297
00:21:19,875 --> 00:21:22,416
I'm not gonna lie.
What we do is dangerous.

298
00:21:22,500 --> 00:21:24,833
I've lost friends, associates...

299
00:21:24,916 --> 00:21:26,875
- Even a brother.
- Then why do it?

300
00:21:26,958 --> 00:21:28,416
Someone has to take up the torch.

301
00:21:28,500 --> 00:21:30,291
There are fires all over, Olivia,

302
00:21:30,375 --> 00:21:32,625
and we need people
who know how to put them out.

303
00:21:32,708 --> 00:21:34,500
I believe you are one of those people.

304
00:21:36,458 --> 00:21:39,708
This started with a sugar bowl
stolen from Esmé Squalor,

305
00:21:39,791 --> 00:21:41,750
but it can end with Count Olaf.

306
00:21:41,833 --> 00:21:43,000
- You're with us?
- I'm with you.

307
00:21:43,083 --> 00:21:45,041
- To the bitter end?
- Will it be bitter?

308
00:21:45,125 --> 00:21:46,916
- We won't know until we get there.
- How fast?
309
00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:48,208
How fast can you drive?

310
00:21:53,750 --> 00:21:55,166
Maybe the Quagmires are up there.

311
00:22:16,333 --> 00:22:17,916
- What?
- How?

312
00:22:25,541 --> 00:22:28,291
- It's our home.
- Why would there be a secret tunnel

313
00:22:28,375 --> 00:22:30,833
from an elevator shaft
at 667 Dark Avenue...

314
00:22:32,666 --> 00:22:33,666
to our home?

315
00:22:39,250 --> 00:22:40,458
"What does it mean?"

316
00:22:40,541 --> 00:22:44,708
I wish I could answer
Sunny Baudelaire's important question.

317
00:22:44,791 --> 00:22:48,500
Opening a secret hatch
into the remains of the Baudelaire home

318
00:22:48,583 --> 00:22:50,916
is like opening a mysterious box

319
00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:54,375
that I have had in my possession
for many years.

320
00:22:54,958 --> 00:22:56,958
Inside the box is a map.

321
00:22:57,458 --> 00:23:00,583
I have spent many hours
going over the dotted lines
322
00:23:00,666 --> 00:23:02,625
indicating the underground tunnel

323
00:23:02,708 --> 00:23:06,583
that begins at the ersatz elevator shaft
of 667 Dark Avenue

324
00:23:06,666 --> 00:23:08,625
and leads to the Baudelaire home.

325
00:23:08,708 --> 00:23:11,875
- Our parents couldn't have known.
- Could they?

326
00:23:18,875 --> 00:23:22,000
Sunny's right. We'd better hurry.
The auction already started.

327
00:23:22,750 --> 00:23:25,833
The auction,
please, has started.

328
00:23:25,916 --> 00:23:29,166
As you can see, Lot Número One-o

329
00:23:29,250 --> 00:23:34,333
is a wanted poster for notorious
good-looking villain named Count Olaf.

330
00:23:34,416 --> 00:23:37,666
Let's start it at five. Do we hear five?

331
00:23:40,666 --> 00:23:41,666
Five?

332
00:23:45,583 --> 00:23:46,875
Is that a... No.

333
00:23:48,541 --> 00:23:50,916
Four and a half? It's beautiful poster.

334
00:23:53,666 --> 00:23:54,750
We could add a pack of gum.

335
00:24:01,625 --> 00:24:05,125
Out of the way!
I'm trying to get somewhere quickly.

336
00:24:05,208 --> 00:24:06,041
Mr. Poe?

337
00:24:07,958 --> 00:24:10,916
Baudelaires?
Why are you here and so dusty?

338
00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:13,458
"Baudelaire Orphans
Covered in Ashes!"

339
00:24:13,541 --> 00:24:17,375
Wait until the readers
of the Daily Punctilio hear about this!

340
00:24:17,458 --> 00:24:19,916
There's no time to explain.
You need to give us a ride.

341
00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:22,333
I can't possibly give you a ride.

342
00:24:22,416 --> 00:24:25,666
- I'm running late to the In Auction.
- That's where we need to go.

343
00:24:25,750 --> 00:24:29,208
I don't know, dear.
It says the auction is invitation only.

344
00:24:29,291 --> 00:24:32,416
Oh, no. It's a charitable function,
so let's be charitable.

345
00:24:32,500 --> 00:24:34,708
I'll try and get you in as my guests.

346
00:24:34,791 --> 00:24:36,958
Don't get ashes on the upholstery.

347
00:24:40,750 --> 00:24:46,875
This red herring fish
will be a lovely addition to any home
348
00:24:46,958 --> 00:24:51,375
or place of business or,
how do you say, dentist office lobby.

349
00:24:51,458 --> 00:24:55,916
- In old country, fish is called seafood.
- Good point, Gunther.

350
00:24:56,000 --> 00:24:58,250
The catalog lists a solid gold salmon,

351
00:24:58,333 --> 00:25:01,291
but we threw that in the garbage
now that herring is in.

352
00:25:01,375 --> 00:25:03,416
We need to bid on an item.

353
00:25:03,500 --> 00:25:05,208
Oh... I don't think so.

354
00:25:05,291 --> 00:25:08,958
I'm glad you're showing interest
in activities of the upper-middle class,

355
00:25:09,041 --> 00:25:13,041
but I can't condone spending
large sums of money on frivolous items.

356
00:25:13,125 --> 00:25:16,458
Look, dear,
a wooden spoon with googly eyes!

357
00:25:16,541 --> 00:25:17,916
We'll bid high.

358
00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:19,000
Enjoy the show.

359
00:25:19,541 --> 00:25:21,541
Halt there. You're not on the list.

360
00:25:21,625 --> 00:25:24,250
Olaf wants us captured.
If you let us in...
361
00:25:24,333 --> 00:25:27,083
- That's like capturing us.
- I need to think about this.

362
00:25:27,166 --> 00:25:29,625
Excuse me, but we're wealthy
and don't like to wait.

363
00:25:29,708 --> 00:25:31,375
I hear eight and a half.

364
00:25:31,458 --> 00:25:33,666
Eight and a half from Mr. Fellini.

365
00:25:33,750 --> 00:25:38,750
I'd like to bid on that red herring
for Herring Houdini, where I work.

366
00:25:38,833 --> 00:25:42,583
Sold! To restaurant person
for unknown amount to be paid later.

367
00:25:42,666 --> 00:25:45,166
Next item is Lot 48.

368
00:25:45,250 --> 00:25:51,833
A vase adorned with flower things.
Very fragile, very in.

369
00:25:59,375 --> 00:26:00,708
I bid 20!

370
00:26:05,583 --> 00:26:11,250
We proceed as normal, please,
to the crying of Lot 49.

371
00:26:11,333 --> 00:26:14,125
- Lot 49. That's VFD.
- We're not too late.

372
00:26:14,208 --> 00:26:16,250
Can we use our fortune to bid?

373
00:26:16,333 --> 00:26:19,208
Your parents' will has
no provision for public sales.

374
00:26:19,291 --> 00:26:22,791
Can't you bid on it for us?
Our friends' lives depend on it.

375
00:26:22,875 --> 00:26:26,416
You shouldn't use hyperbole.
But I could make a modest bid.

376
00:26:26,500 --> 00:26:28,250
I did receive that promotion.

377
00:26:28,333 --> 00:26:31,833
- Yes, you did.
- What in the world is VFD?

378
00:26:32,958 --> 00:26:35,041
Larry Your-Waiter.
Did you get past the bouncer?

379
00:26:35,125 --> 00:26:38,333
Not yet. He has to let me in.
I'm on the list.

380
00:26:38,416 --> 00:26:39,916
Yessica Haircut.

381
00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:41,458
Our agents infiltrated the auction.

382
00:26:41,541 --> 00:26:43,166
If we hurry, we can help.

383
00:26:43,250 --> 00:26:46,041
- I'm going 60 in a 55 zone.
- Floor it.

384
00:26:46,125 --> 00:26:48,708
This lengthy chronicle of woe
and unpleasantness ends today.

385
00:26:48,791 --> 00:26:54,916
VFD, of course, needs no introduction,
as is known all over the world

386
00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:58,041
in countries that are foreign
and not so foreign.

387
00:26:58,125 --> 00:26:59,875
Parsley soda?

388
00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:11,958
As you see, is prime specimen, this VFD.

389
00:27:12,041 --> 00:27:16,083
Very large with a few air holes
poked in the top at the last minute.

390
00:27:16,166 --> 00:27:19,416
Ladies, please turn
the box around on all sides

391
00:27:19,500 --> 00:27:22,416
so everyone can see all of the angles.

392
00:27:22,500 --> 00:27:26,916
Actually, I identify as a man.

393
00:27:29,125 --> 00:27:33,500
Where is women of advanced age, please?
And the other guy?

394
00:27:33,583 --> 00:27:36,000
One with, how do you say,
alternative fingers?

395
00:27:36,083 --> 00:27:37,333
Let's start the bidding.

396
00:27:37,416 --> 00:27:40,958
Yes, Gunther. That's what
any legitimate auctioneer would do.

397
00:27:44,291 --> 00:27:47,000
Very well, please.
What is first bid, please?

398
00:27:47,083 --> 00:27:48,750
I bid 20.

399
00:27:48,833 --> 00:27:51,083
- Fifty.
- Fifty-five.

400
00:27:51,166 --> 00:27:54,458
We have a bid of 55 from unhelpful banker.

401
00:27:54,541 --> 00:27:55,458
Sixty!

402
00:27:55,541 --> 00:27:58,875
- You're bidding against me.
- It'd look nice in the powder room.

403
00:28:01,125 --> 00:28:02,500
- Seventy.
- Eighty.

404
00:28:02,583 --> 00:28:04,000
- Ninety.
- Oh, goodness.

405
00:28:04,083 --> 00:28:06,791
It's getting expensive.
Are you sure you want it?

406
00:28:06,875 --> 00:28:09,250
- Please, Mr. Poe.
- Very well, then.

407
00:28:10,041 --> 00:28:12,583
One hundred. And that's my final offer!

408
00:28:13,875 --> 00:28:16,125
- 112.
- 113.

409
00:28:16,208 --> 00:28:18,458
- 119.
- 121.

410
00:28:18,541 --> 00:28:20,083
120.

411
00:28:21,291 --> 00:28:23,000
Darling, 120 is less than 121.
412
00:28:24,583 --> 00:28:25,958
- It is?
- Yes!

413
00:28:27,666 --> 00:28:31,291
Okay, sorry. I bid 200.

414
00:28:31,375 --> 00:28:33,875
What do I care? It's not my money.

415
00:28:33,958 --> 00:28:37,000
I'm sorry, but I cannot
let you bid any higher.

416
00:28:37,083 --> 00:28:40,041
- I don't want to spoil you.
- Let someone else have a turn.

417
00:28:40,125 --> 00:28:44,583
I have bid of 200, please,
from someone who will be yelled at later.

418
00:28:44,666 --> 00:28:47,416
- Pack it up and take it away, please.
- Not so fast.

419
00:28:49,250 --> 00:28:51,916
- Jerome?
- Yes, darling. I'm sorry I'm late.

420
00:28:52,000 --> 00:28:55,833
I could not get off the sofa.
It must have been something I ate.

421
00:28:56,625 --> 00:28:58,333
I've had pickled herring problems myself.

422
00:28:58,416 --> 00:29:00,416
Hello, everyone. I'm Jerome,

423
00:29:00,500 --> 00:29:05,375
and I am proudly a legal guardian
of Violet, Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire.

424
00:29:05,458 --> 00:29:07,625
In the short time
they have been under my care,

425
00:29:07,708 --> 00:29:10,625
I have been impressed
with their intelligence,

426
00:29:10,708 --> 00:29:12,625
their fortitude and their charm.

427
00:29:13,291 --> 00:29:14,666
At least while I was awake.

428
00:29:15,500 --> 00:29:18,083
They're noble children,
like their parents.

429
00:29:19,125 --> 00:29:23,000
Therefore, if they're interested in
a cardboard box with air holes in it,

430
00:29:23,083 --> 00:29:25,458
I'm going to make sure they get it.

431
00:29:26,250 --> 00:29:27,250
204!

432
00:29:27,333 --> 00:29:29,541
Love of my life, don't be an idiot.

433
00:29:29,625 --> 00:29:31,833
You don't know what is going on. 205.

434
00:29:31,916 --> 00:29:36,625
Esmé, love of my life, I am tired
of being treated this way. 206.

435
00:29:36,708 --> 00:29:41,541
Well, maybe I'm tired of you! 207!

436
00:29:41,625 --> 00:29:44,333
Maybe I'm tired of both of you! 208.

437
00:29:44,416 --> 00:29:48,000
I'm tired of failure and hopelessness
in the face of treachery and doom! 209!
438
00:29:48,083 --> 00:29:50,833
I'm tired of self-indulgent
existential crises

439
00:29:50,916 --> 00:29:54,000
and an overabundance
of hardcover books! 210.

440
00:29:56,875 --> 00:29:58,083
212!

441
00:29:58,166 --> 00:29:59,333
Snicket.

442
00:29:59,416 --> 00:30:01,875
You're not on the list. 213!

443
00:30:01,958 --> 00:30:04,666
I have a splitting headache.
214 and a half!

444
00:30:04,750 --> 00:30:07,958
I have a degree
in welterweight boxing. 215!

445
00:30:08,041 --> 00:30:10,208
So do we! 216!

446
00:30:10,291 --> 00:30:14,291
I don't know why my secretary
is fighting those two old ladies! 217!

447
00:30:14,375 --> 00:30:16,125
218 that I took from my husband's wallet!

448
00:30:16,208 --> 00:30:17,416
219!

449
00:30:17,500 --> 00:30:18,833
A quarter past 11:00.

450
00:30:18,916 --> 00:30:21,750
I got quarter past 11:00
from person I no longer have to yell at!

451
00:30:21,833 --> 00:30:23,625
Going once, going twice...

452
00:30:26,541 --> 00:30:28,250
What did she say?

453
00:30:28,333 --> 00:30:30,250
She said 1,000.

454
00:30:30,333 --> 00:30:31,208
Oh!

455
00:30:35,416 --> 00:30:37,541
Where did Sunny get that kind of money?

456
00:30:37,625 --> 00:30:40,041
She was a receptionist in boarding school,

457
00:30:40,125 --> 00:30:41,958
but I had no idea
her salary was that high.

458
00:30:42,041 --> 00:30:45,291
The bid is 1,000.

459
00:30:45,375 --> 00:30:50,166
Please. Let the little baby
give the big money to the pretty lady,

460
00:30:50,250 --> 00:30:51,666
and the auction is over.

461
00:30:51,750 --> 00:30:53,916
The only thing that's over
is your horrible plan.

462
00:30:54,000 --> 00:30:56,250
How dare you?

463
00:30:57,833 --> 00:30:58,958
Ah-ah-ah.

464
00:30:59,041 --> 00:31:02,333
You can't open this box until
you give me the money. That's illegal.
465
00:31:02,416 --> 00:31:05,791
- What's illegal is auctioning children.
- Not everywhere.

466
00:31:05,875 --> 00:31:09,333
The room will see you've broken the law
and our friends are in this box.

467
00:31:09,416 --> 00:31:13,833
The Quagmires? Wait till the readers
of the Daily Punctilio hear about this!

468
00:31:13,916 --> 00:31:15,250
- Baudelaires!
- Duncan!

469
00:31:15,333 --> 00:31:18,583
- Isadora!
- Quagmires! Quagmires!

470
00:31:38,208 --> 00:31:42,583
- Doilies?
- Inside the box were... doilies?

471
00:31:42,666 --> 00:31:47,291
Of course! "Very fancy doilies."
What else could VFD stand for?

472
00:31:48,250 --> 00:31:52,583
Yes. What in the world, please,
could VFD stand for, dusty orphans?

473
00:31:52,666 --> 00:31:55,791
Someone put these children
in a long black automobile.

474
00:31:55,875 --> 00:31:57,875
They're dirty
and their clothes are frayed.

475
00:31:57,958 --> 00:32:01,750
- So are his!
- Frayed? I'm afraid not.

476
00:32:01,833 --> 00:32:04,583
Whoa! I'm a... Oh!
477
00:32:06,291 --> 00:32:08,416
He has an eye tattoo on his ankle!

478
00:32:09,208 --> 00:32:11,958
He's not Gunther!
He's not a foreigner at all!

479
00:32:12,041 --> 00:32:13,250
Arrest this man!

480
00:32:13,333 --> 00:32:16,208
Wait until the readers
of the Daily Punctilio read about this!

481
00:32:21,958 --> 00:32:26,625
Calm down, everyone!
Don't blame foreigners for your problems.

482
00:32:26,708 --> 00:32:31,000
He's not a foreigner! He's from
the same country as we're in right now!

483
00:32:31,083 --> 00:32:33,250
That's no reason to arrest someone.

484
00:32:33,333 --> 00:32:34,708
He's a criminal. That's enough.

485
00:32:34,791 --> 00:32:38,333
Klaus is right!
He's the subject of a citywide manhunt!

486
00:32:38,916 --> 00:32:40,875
He's a source of pain and suffering,

487
00:32:40,958 --> 00:32:44,750
not to mention hours of negotiations
at Mulctuary Money Management.

488
00:32:44,833 --> 00:32:49,333
Wait! Before you rush to judgment,
there's something I need to share.

489
00:32:52,958 --> 00:32:55,291
All my life,
I've climbed the ladder of success
490
00:32:55,375 --> 00:32:58,833
armed only with ruthless ambition
and a large inheritance.

491
00:32:58,916 --> 00:33:00,541
I've paid my dues for weeks

492
00:33:00,625 --> 00:33:04,125
to become the city's
sixth most important financial advisor,

493
00:33:04,208 --> 00:33:09,333
to become this statuesque powerhouse
that stands gorgeously before you.

494
00:33:12,916 --> 00:33:19,541
I had the whole world
at my remarkably small feet. And yet...

495
00:33:24,125 --> 00:33:26,750
I had a feeling
there was something missing.

496
00:33:34,000 --> 00:33:37,833
It wasn't until I opened my home
to three orphans

497
00:33:37,916 --> 00:33:40,833
that I realized just exactly what it was.

498
00:33:40,916 --> 00:33:42,291
Aw!

499
00:33:45,125 --> 00:33:50,125
It was Count Olaf! He's a genius!
He's a wonderful acting coach!

500
00:33:50,208 --> 00:33:54,166
He's back in my life
after many lonely and successful years,

501
00:33:54,250 --> 00:33:57,000
helping me pursue single-minded,
cold-hearted,

502
00:33:57,083 --> 00:33:59,291
perhaps slightly overzealous revenge.

503
00:34:00,125 --> 00:34:03,500
My boyfriend, Count Olaf.

504
00:34:03,583 --> 00:34:07,291
The handsomest, innest man in town.

505
00:34:07,375 --> 00:34:10,916
How could you say something like that?
You're my wife!

506
00:34:11,000 --> 00:34:14,166
And besides,
ruthless kidnappers aren't in!

507
00:34:14,250 --> 00:34:17,333
How right you are. We're not in.

508
00:34:17,416 --> 00:34:20,916
We're out. Out of the city, that is!
Come on, Esmé!

509
00:34:21,000 --> 00:34:24,041
Don't let the despicable man
escape for a sixth time!

510
00:34:25,083 --> 00:34:28,083
- It's all over.
- Veblen Hall is the end of the line.

511
00:34:35,375 --> 00:34:37,916
"Veblen Hall Out,
Milton Friedman Hall In!"

512
00:34:42,250 --> 00:34:44,083
No. No!

513
00:34:46,291 --> 00:34:48,416
We better clear out
before we're swimming upstream.

514
00:34:48,500 --> 00:34:50,291
- What about Olaf?
- I know where to find him.
515
00:34:50,375 --> 00:34:53,458
Veblen Hall might be the end of the line,
but it's the start of a tunnel.

516
00:35:00,708 --> 00:35:01,791
They have our friends.

517
00:35:01,875 --> 00:35:04,416
But you said the Quagmires
were inside that box of doilies.

518
00:35:04,500 --> 00:35:07,583
- I guess that wasn't his plan.
- That wasn't his plan.

519
00:35:07,666 --> 00:35:09,666
- It was a red herring.
- It was a red herring.

520
00:35:11,208 --> 00:35:12,458
Red herring.

521
00:35:12,541 --> 00:35:13,625
Red herring!

522
00:35:17,000 --> 00:35:21,083
The words "red herring" do not only refer
to a type of foraging fish

523
00:35:21,166 --> 00:35:22,791
that may have a crimson hue

524
00:35:22,875 --> 00:35:25,583
due to being smoked or painted
with excessive nail polish.

525
00:35:25,666 --> 00:35:28,791
They can also refer to a distracting
or misleading clue,

526
00:35:28,875 --> 00:35:33,166
such as a box marked VFD that had
nothing to do with a secret organization

527
00:35:33,250 --> 00:35:35,166
or a pair of kidnapped triplets.
528
00:35:35,958 --> 00:35:39,625
For instance, if I told you
that two brave and noble volunteers

529
00:35:39,708 --> 00:35:42,791
were giving chase to Count Olaf
and his kidnapping victims...

530
00:35:42,875 --> 00:35:44,916
- By George!
- Heavens to Betsy!

531
00:35:45,000 --> 00:35:47,041
That's not my name either.

532
00:35:47,125 --> 00:35:48,791
That would be a red herring,

533
00:35:48,875 --> 00:35:51,458
because it would imply
that Olaf was about to be captured,

534
00:35:51,541 --> 00:35:53,625
which, I'm sorry to say, was not the case.

535
00:35:59,375 --> 00:36:02,333
If I told you the city's
most prominent journalists

536
00:36:02,416 --> 00:36:05,958
and banking vice presidents
were also giving chase...

537
00:36:06,041 --> 00:36:08,125
Wait until the readers
of the Daily Punctilio

538
00:36:08,208 --> 00:36:10,208
hear about whatever just happened.

539
00:36:12,166 --> 00:36:13,500
That would be a red herring.

540
00:36:13,583 --> 00:36:16,750
It would imply the Quagmires
were about to be rescued,

541
00:36:16,833 --> 00:36:19,625
which I'm sorrier to say
was also not the case.

542
00:36:20,708 --> 00:36:22,541
- Duncan!
- Isadora!

543
00:36:22,625 --> 00:36:26,083
If I told you the Baudelaires
were about to be offered a safe home,

544
00:36:26,916 --> 00:36:28,625
that would be a red herring, too.

545
00:36:29,875 --> 00:36:31,375
Baudelaires! Baudelaires,

546
00:36:31,458 --> 00:36:35,458
it's not safe for you to chase
a dangerous villain or her boyfriend.

547
00:36:35,541 --> 00:36:37,375
We need to rescue our friends.

548
00:36:37,458 --> 00:36:40,166
Let the authorities.
It's a citywide manhunt.

549
00:36:40,250 --> 00:36:42,500
Olaf was here
and the authorities didn't notice.

550
00:36:42,583 --> 00:36:43,541
Don't be hard on them.

551
00:36:43,625 --> 00:36:46,583
You didn't recognize Olaf
until it was too late.

552
00:36:46,666 --> 00:36:50,750
But I'm awake now, from Esmé's treachery
and after a very long nap,

553
00:36:50,833 --> 00:36:52,500
and I'm still your guardian.

554
00:36:52,583 --> 00:36:56,375
And from now on, I promise
you can forget all about Count Olaf.

555
00:36:56,458 --> 00:36:58,291
We'll never forget about him.

556
00:36:58,375 --> 00:37:00,500
We'll never forget our friends.
We have to rescue them.

557
00:37:00,583 --> 00:37:04,166
And find the truth about the tunnel
between your elevator and our house.

558
00:37:05,625 --> 00:37:08,166
You are in far too much danger,
Baudelaires.

559
00:37:08,833 --> 00:37:12,000
I know you're worried about your friends.
I know.

560
00:37:12,083 --> 00:37:14,750
But let other people
track down Count Olaf.

561
00:37:14,833 --> 00:37:17,916
- Let me keep you safe.
- Nowhere is safe with Olaf at large.

562
00:37:18,000 --> 00:37:19,958
We'll never be happy
if our friends are in danger.

563
00:37:20,041 --> 00:37:22,333
We are going to find them.
You can help us.

564
00:37:24,833 --> 00:37:26,041
Please?

565
00:37:27,875 --> 00:37:29,458
I wish I had your courage.
566
00:37:30,250 --> 00:37:32,958
Your mother always said
I wasn't brave enough.

567
00:37:33,041 --> 00:37:34,500
I guess she was right.

568
00:37:36,416 --> 00:37:37,625
She was also right about Esmé,

569
00:37:37,708 --> 00:37:39,583
who only married me
for my underground tunnel.

570
00:37:42,416 --> 00:37:46,250
I wish you luck.
I think you're going to need it.

571
00:38:11,666 --> 00:38:14,500
- Where is Mr. Squalor going?
- It doesn't matter.

572
00:38:14,583 --> 00:38:17,041
I don't think he wants
to be our guardian anymore.

573
00:38:19,750 --> 00:38:22,041
Normally, that would be cause for alarm,

574
00:38:22,125 --> 00:38:25,750
but we at Mulctuary Money Management
are exploring guardian options

575
00:38:25,833 --> 00:38:28,916
after an uptick in mysterious fires
destroying people's homes.

576
00:38:29,625 --> 00:38:34,166
There's a town far, far from here offering
to care for our orphaned clientele.

577
00:38:34,250 --> 00:38:37,583
A town with a name that I find
both curious and somewhat familiar,

578
00:38:38,166 --> 00:38:39,250
VFD.

579
00:38:42,666 --> 00:38:44,500
- So what do you think?
- Yes.

580
00:38:44,583 --> 00:38:45,750
Lovely.

581
00:38:49,250 --> 00:38:53,666
If I told you that the next destination
for the Baudelaires was labeled VFD,

582
00:38:53,750 --> 00:38:56,375
that too might be
something of a red herring,

583
00:38:56,458 --> 00:38:58,625
because it would imply
that at the conclusion

584
00:38:58,708 --> 00:39:01,375
of this fraught
and frightening episode in their lives,

585
00:39:01,458 --> 00:39:03,958
they were the only ones
heading that direction.

586
00:39:04,333 --> 00:39:08,250
Because while the Baudelaire orphans
would soon be far, far away from here,

587
00:39:08,958 --> 00:39:11,708
they would also be far, far from alone.

588
00:39:11,791 --> 00:39:13,250
Where do you think he'd head?

589
00:39:13,333 --> 00:39:15,708
Somewhere far from here.
But he'd be far from alone.

590
00:39:15,791 --> 00:39:17,875
- And the Baudelaires?
- Their story's not over.
591
00:39:18,541 --> 00:39:20,250
Then what are we waiting for?

592
00:39:24,416 --> 00:39:25,500
A red herring.

592
00:39:26,305 --> 00:39:32,212
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