ANTS in your PANTS

Managing Big Feelings

WEEK 1 For Kids on the Grow

and Families on the Go

The Secret to Self-Regulation

Hello and welcome to Week One of ANTS in Your PANTS. We are thrilled to have you join the Collective
Therapy community!

We understand how busy and crazy life with kids can be, so we want to take a moment to acknowledge
your commitment to have 1) found this course, 2) signed up, and 3) started the reading for Week One.

That’s 3 HUGE steps you just took towards better understanding your child’s development and behaviour
and helping to create more success in their day to day.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

To help prepare you for what’s coming up, here’s what you can expect over the next 4 weeks:

Week One – An introduction to what it means to manage big feelings or self-regulate. We’ll ask you to
reflect on how you self-regulate to then be able to relate this to your child’s self-regulation skills.

Week Two – This week is all about investigating what’s going on behind your child’s behaviours. We’ll use
our ANTS acronym to help you with your detective work.

Week Three – This week we’ll dive into strategies for helping manage big feelings and develop self-
regulation skills. Using our PANTS acronym we’ll guide you through practical strategies you can
implement into your family’s routine and structure.

Week Four – This is our implementation week where we take everything from the past three weeks and
put it into practice. We’ll be here to help you troubleshoot through strategies, brainstorm solutions, and of
course cheer you on as you start to implement new ideas and routines into your household.

Every Thursday you can expect an email from us with a new learning module. Every Monday or Tuesday
we’ll send along a mid-week check-in and pep talk to see how everyone is doing.

Throughout the 4 weeks you’ll have access to our private forum. Only your teachers and the lovely
parents in this group have access to this forum. What you share is shared only with our small group.

The forum is a place to ask questions, brainstorm ideas, receive encouragement and offer up
encouragement. We ask that you remember this is a place to build community and parent-to-parent
support, so comments should come from a place of compassion and kindness.

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Tip: We can’t emphasize enough that your participation in the forum and in discussions with us and
other parents will drastically change what you get out of this class. Parents from past classes have told
us that a huge amount of their learning and “aha” moments came from the forum.

To encourage participation and guide discussions, we’ll offer up ‘calls to action’ throughout the lessons.
Whenever you see this symbol , it is an invitation to add your unique ideas and voice to the group.
Simply click on the symbol and you’ll be linked to the forum at http://collectivetherapy.ca/wp-login.php

If you have any questions, trouble getting into the forum, or difficulty downloading the learning material,
never hesitate to email us: hello@collectivetherapy.ca

That just about covers everything you need to get started, so without further ado, let’s jump in!

WHAT IS SELF-REGULATION?
Our goal for this week is for you to gain an understanding of what it means to be able to manage
big feelings, or what we also like to refer to as being able to self-regulate. In particular, we want to
explore what this looks like for you.

We want you to turn the lens on yourself this week and become self-aware of what you do in your day-
to-day to remain calm during times of stress. In better understanding self-regulation for yourself, you’ll be
able to relate more closely to what your child may be going through.

The ability to self-regulate, or knowing how to be calm, organized and emotionally balanced through the
day, is a learning process that children begin at about 4 years of age. Being able to self-regulate is what
helps your child be attentive during school, calmly sit at the table through dinner time, and help mom or
dad with getting themselves dressed and ready in the morning.

Being able to self-regulate is a hugely important life skill that kids rely on the
caring adults in their life to help teach them.

Whether you’ve heard the term before or this class is your first introduction
Week 1 Goal:
To understand
to it, self-regulation can be a slightly complicated and overwhelming word,
especially if someone (a teacher, friend, or another parent) is using it to talk what self-regulation
about your child. So let’s break it down: means for you and
To regulate is defined as...
your child.

{
reg·u·late 1. a. to govern or direct according to rule
b. to bring under the control of law or constituted authority
reg yə lāt/
2. to bring order, method, or uniformity to <regulate one’s habits>
verb 3. to fix or adjust the time, amount, degree or rate of

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When we talk about being able to regulate something, we typically use it in the context of controlling
or adjusting something. When you’re driving your car through a school zone, you notice the speed limit
sign or the children crossing the street ahead and (if you’re paying attention) quite naturally you begin
to break and slow down – your brain notices your environment and circumstances and you regulate your
speed accordingly.

HOW DO WE SELF-REGULATE?
Well the same goes for regulating our emotional, biological, cognitive and social needs. We self-regulate,
or adjust, our responses and behaviour in order to meet a goal or task while behaving in a socially
appropriate way (modified, Kuypers, 2011).

For example:
Your boss walks into your office on a particularly busy and stressful day and asks
you to complete a task that really another person should be doing. You take
We adjust a discreet and calming breath and say, ‘Sure Sally, I will get to it as soon as
our responses and I can’ (socially appropriate response). Perhaps what you would have liked
to have said was “No I cannot take on any more tasks, I’m busy enough
behaviour to meet
as it is!” and stormed out of the office for added effect (not as socially
a goal or task in a appropriate, though definitely an Oscar worthy performance).
socially appropriate
As adults we can:
way.
1. monitor the situation
2. adjust our response
3. and meet the goal of the task while acting in a socially appropriate way.

Often our kids don’t have these skills yet or they’re having difficulty developing them.

Sometimes our self-regulating is done subconsciously, for example turning down the car radio when we
need to concentrate on directions or adjusting our clothes because they are not sitting right.

Other times we are very aware of how we need to adjust or control our emotions, impulses, or sensory
needs in a situation. Taking several slow calming breaths when feeling nervous before a job interview, or
standing up and moving away when the person sitting next to you on a bus is wearing too much perfume.

So here’s the big secret... we all do it, we all self-regulate.

Yup, every day, multiple times a day, in all kinds of situations; as you stand in line at the grocery store,
when you’re trying to rush your kids out the door to get to school on time, when you’re trying to pay
attention in a work meeting.

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Sometimes we need a little extra help to stay regulated.  For example, right now we’re guessing that
perhaps your mind has already started to wonder while trying to concentrate on reading this.

So, lets take a regulation break.

Make a cup of tea, stand up and stretch, or simply
close your eyes and take 3 deep breaths in through
your nose and out through your mouth.

Welcome back. Amazing how well those little breaks can work to help us re-focus and concentrate.

WHAT WORKS FOR YOU?

We’d like you to take a minute and retrace your steps today from the moment you woke up to this
moment right now. Think about anything you did that helped you stay regulated throughout the day. It
might have been taking a yoga class to calm your mind or talking with a friend about a stressful situation.

An easy way to identify how you self-regulate is to imagine how you

would have felt had you not done these things. Would you still feel tired
and groggy had you not had a shower or a cup of coffee in the morning?
Would you be irritable had you not had a snack earlier or gone for a run?
What are
some of your non-
Take a minute to think about what your non-negotiables are for keeping negotiables for staying
yourself regulated during your day. Then head to the forum and share regulated throughout
them with the group. Its always so interesting to hear the different ways
the day?
people self-regulate.

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR OUR KIDS?

Stuart Shanker, a leader in self-regulation research, defined self-regulation as a child’s ability to deal
with stressors effectively and efficiently and then return to a baseline of being calmly focused and alert.
(Shanker, 2012, p.12)

As adults, most of the time we are able to identify what helps us successfully regulate throughout the
day; closing your eyes and taking some calming breaths, listening to music, going outside for a walk, or
(my own personal favourite) making ‘to-do’ lists.

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Our kids have a harder time identifying these strategies and therefore it becomes more challenging for
them to manage and control their emotions and behaviors in order to self-regulate.

Would your child know to go for a walk, take

Can you tell when your child is
regulated or when they’re not regulated?
What does it look like when your child is
having big feelings? Do they go inward and
some breaths, or ‘take a break’ when they’re
feeling overwhelmed or frustrated? Would
they request a trip to the park to run around
if they were feeling excited and busy? Would
they know to give themselves some extra

shut down or do they become loud and angry? time to get up in the morning if they were
always running late for school?

A child’s self-regulation skills develop over time and mature as a child grows and develops. With practice,
experience, and a little help from the grown-ups in their lives, kids learn what helps them self-regulate and
they become more independent and successful at managing their responses and behaviours throughout
the day.

Being regulated might look like this… Being dysregulated might look like this…

THE SCIENCE BEHIND SELF-REGULATION

There are some very smart scientists out there who are beginning to explain the complex process of self-
regulation in a way that makes it a little easier to understand.

Stuart Shanker and Leah Kuypers are two of our favourites. In this lesson we’ll provide an overview
of their work to give you a basic understanding of their models. We encourage you to explore their
resources (listed at the end of this lesson) if you are interested in learning more about their ways of
categorizing and defining self-regulation.

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Stuart Shanker categorizes self-regulation into five domains.

Each domain refers to the detailed neurological processes (how our brain and body work together) that
impact a person’s self-regulation skills. We’ve summarized the 5 domains below. Becoming familiar with
these domains can help parents understand where their child might need some extra support.

1. The Biological Domain explains how our physical health can play a role in self-regulating. This
includes:
• Our immune system, energy levels, and nervous system responding to stressful situations and
notifying the body of danger.
• Our bodies reacting to and processing sensory information (taste, touch, sound, etc.).  
• These physical systems help us remain calm and focused while engaging in meaningful activities
and help to recoup our energy after a challenging/stressful time.

2. The Emotional Domain explains how we are able to manage our emotions in order to self-regulate.
This includes:
• A child’s ability to emotionally recover from challenging, embarrassing and disappointing situations.
• Having a healthy self-esteem.
• A child with lots of worries and who appears sad all the time or a child who gets mad and
frustrated easily may fit into this domain.

3. The Cognitive Domain explains our thinking and learning side of self-regulation. It includes:
• Planning & organizing skills, thinking logically, time management, and goal setting.  
• Being able to focus and switch focus along with looking at a situation with a different perspective
are all ways we successfully manage our day-to-day.  

4. The Social Domain explains the ability to understand your own feelings and intentions through our
daily interactions with others. It includes:
• Being an effective communicator (listener and speaker).
• Having a good sense of humor.
• The ability to repair from a communication breakdown. What are
some domains that
5. The Prosocial Domain explains our behaviours that are positive,
helpful and intended to make and maintain relationships. It includes:
immediately resonate
• The ability to help regulate others who may be upset (co-regulate). for you and your child?
• Being honest with others and ourselves.
• The ability to show empathy and the desire to “do the right thing.”

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It is important to consider all domains when thinking of children and their ability to self-regulate. Having
an understanding of these domains will help us to investigate where a child’s difficulties may be coming
from. We can then use this information to put strategies in place and work towards a solution.

Stuart Shanker describes the domains in greater detail in his book “Calm, Alert and Learning: Classroom
Strategies for Self-Regulation” (2013).  

Leah Kuypers describes self-regulation using three categories: sensory processing, executive functioning
(cognitive processes) and emotional regulation.

In order to self-regulate successfully these three areas need to be working together.

Executive Functioning/
Sensory Processing Emotional Regulation
Cognitive Processes

Our body’s ability to take in
sensory information (sights,
sounds, touch, etc.), process
the information and react.
Our brain’s ability to control Our ability to control our
our thoughts and actions. It emotions. Our ability to
includes planning, organizing, monitor and react accordingly
and processing information. based on the current situation.
If executive functioning is
impeded then problem solving
becomes even more difficult.

Kuypers describes self-regulation as the ability to do what needs to be done in order to be in the best
state for the given situation. For example, given a stressful or frustrating experience, a person who can
self-regulate well is able to remain calm and organized to successfully negotiate the event.

Kuypers and Shankar are two of many professionals talking about self-regulation. It is a hot topic these
days with it being a focus in schools, amongst parents, and healthcare professionals. The amount of
information out there can feel confusing and overwhelming.

Our goal with this class is to help you understand enough about self-regulation that you feel confident
supporting your child’s self-regulation skills, so they can successfully cope with stressors and learn how to
manage their big feelings.

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WRAPPING UP
You did it! You’ve made it through the first lesson. We covered a lot of
information this week. Give yourself time to fully digest it all (this might
mean reading through the lesson a second time). We are available on
the forum all week to answer your questions and will be providing lots
of examples and additional information to support this week’s lesson.

Let’s recap what we learned this week:

1. Being able to manage big feelings means being able to self-regulate successfully. Self-regulation is
the ability to return to a calm state after a time of stress. It helps us stay balanced, organized, and
attentive throughout our day.

2. Self-regulation is a skill that develops with age and experience. We all have different ways we self-
regulate and have developed these over time. As parents we can help support our children in learning
strategies to self-regulate.

3. Self-regulation skills are impacted by a variety of biological factors. Our bodies and brains have
different functions or areas that need to be working together in order for self-regulation to happen
successfully.

THINGS TO TRY THIS WEEK

We’d like you to spend time this week reflecting on what you do in your day-to-day to self-regulate.
Notice how you keep yourself calm during times of stress; when you’re in a rush, stuck in traffic, or
exasperated with your kids/spouse. Think about what you need to do during your day to stay (mostly)
calm, organized, and present. Pay attention to how you feel emotionally and physically when you don’t do
these things.

It’s important to recognize these things in ourselves because we can then better understand what it
means for our children to self-regulate and manage their big feelings.

This week, as you begin to gain more self-awareness for your own strategies, look at your child’s
behaviours in a new light. See if you can start to notice when they seem organized and balanced
emotionally. What are they doing to self-regulate?

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Your child might enjoy quiet time spent reading to help them reset and balance their emotions. Or maybe
an hour running around at the park or riding their bike helps to organize and settle them.

When they’re dysregulated, what factors seem to be playing a

Share your self- part? Reflect on Stuart Shankar’s five domains to help with this.

reflection from this week
with the group. We’d love
to hear what you’ve learned
about yourself and how you
self-regulate. Then tell us
about how you’ve seen your
child use self-regulation
skills this week.
This week is all about paying attention to what you and your
child currently do to manage big feelings. In the following weeks
we’ll learn about what additional supports you can put in place.
NEXT WEEK
Next week we’ll be using your new awareness and
understanding of self-regulation to begin to look closer at your
child’s behaviours. You’ll become a detective using our ANTS
acronym to investigate what’s going on behind the meltdowns.

References:
Shanker, S. (2013). Calm, Alert, and Learning; Classroom Strategies for Self-Regulation. Pearson Canada
Inc., Toronto, Ontario.

Kuypers, L.M. (2011). The Zones of Regulation; A Curriculum Designed to Foster Self-Regulation and
Emotional Control. Think Social Publishing Inc., San Jose, California.

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