That

is Life!

A musical in one act

by C. A. Hall
Cast of Characters
Heather, a clerk in account receivable
Wally, a new clerk in accounts payable
The Boss, the manager of accounts receivable and accounts payable

Setting
An office full of cubicles in the not-too-distant future

HEATHER:

When you bounce a check that is life.

When your car’s a wreck that is life.
When you’re in a traffic jam and you’ve just sprayed your hair with Pam.
When you’ve suffered all you can that is life.

When you stain your shirt that is life.

When you feel like dirt that is life.
When you’re boss is a big jerk and he’s just given you more work.
When you’re just a clerk that is life.

When the clock is running slower than it should, life drags on.
When you haven’t heard a word they’ve said, the ship has sunk and
You are lost, double-crossed, tossed
So very very very angry.

When you are in dollar distress and you can’t afford that dress
To wear out but you don’t go out so it doesn’t matter.
When you’re feeling pretty blue and you don’t know what to do because you,
You just heard the news which is shocking, mid-life rocking news that biology is
clocking you in at forty-years old.
You are cold. You feel like mold. You are old

HEATHER puts her head on her desk, totally dejected. WALLY walks in, carrying a
briefcase.

WALLY: Well, hello.

HEATHER (without lifting head): Hello yourself.

WALLY: I’m here for the job interview. Do you know where I should go?

HEATHER: Yes, I do. I--- (looks up at WALLY, lovestruck) I---

WALLY: Yes?

HEATHER: Down the hall and to the left. The second left.
WALLY: Ok, thanks. Well I don’t want to be late (WALLY starts walking away). Say,
you don’t think you could do me a favor, could you?

HEATHER: Yes, sure. Just name it. Anything.

WALLY: Well, I am about to interview for this job and I am a little nervous. Would you
mind if I practice for the interview with you? It would only take a minute.

HEATHER: Yes, sure. That sounds wonderful. Go right ahead.

WALLY: Okay, here goes.

When you do your best that is life

When you ace the test that is life
When you love this company as much as a man like me
When you dig the industry that is life.

When details count a ton that is life.

When filing is fun that is life.
When your biggest personal fault is that you’re always on the assault
When your hard work never halts that is life.

When teamwork is your mantra and your hero’s Frank Sinatra life is real.
When you’d sacrifice your mother, father, sister and your brother’s big wheel for a deal.
What a steal, stamp the seal, make it real.

That is life, that is life, that is life, that is life!

WALLY: Well, what do you think?

HEATHER (sighing): Ahhhhhhhhh.

WALLY: What? Pardon me?

HEATHER: I mean, ahhhhhhhh.

WALLY: Huh?

HEATHER: (pulling herself together): Um, I mean. You are beautiful. I mean, THAT
was beautiful. Very positive. Very beautiful AND positive. You are wonderful…THAT
was wonderful. Ahem. Yes. Wonderful. That was.

WALLY: Do you really think so? I’m a little nervous.

HEATHER: Yes, it’s stunning.

WALLY: Well, thank you. You are very nice. (A pause as they stare at each other).
Well, I’ve got to go…

HEATHER: Good luck.

WALLY: …to my interview. But I hope to see you around

HEATHER: Good luck. I mean---yes, see you around.

WALLY exits.

HEATHER:
When you get another chance
At some beautiful romance
When you fall in love again, that is life.

THE BOSS enters.

THE BOSS: Heather, where are my fancy shoes?

HEATHER: I don’t know sir.

THE BOSS (panicked and whiny): But Heather, I need my fancy shoes to interview with
and I have to interview someone now. I need my fancy shoes! I---

HEATHER: Here, sir, I found them.

THE BOSS: Oh, good. Thank you, Heather. Thank you. They’re a little tight. Uhhnnnnh.
That’s one. Unnnnh. That’s two. Geez, they kind of pinch, don’t they? How do I look,
Heather?

HEATHER: Very good, sir. Very…sophisticated.

THE BOSS: Great. Now, get out of here. And send in the candidate for the interview.

HEATHER exits. WALLY enters.

Long pause as WALLY sits down and THE BOSS sizes him up.

WALLY: Good afternoon.

THE BOSS: It’s late morning.

WALLY: Oh, right. I always do that.

THE BOSS: Well, that kind of mistake doesn’t fly here.

WALLY: Oh, I’m so sorry. Let me introduce myself. I’m Wally Starshadow. I’m here to
interview for the position in accounts receivable.

THE BOSS: What? That position was filled months ago. What are you talking about?

WALLY (fumbles in briefcase): But I’ve got this paper that says---

THE BOSS (grabs paper from him, almost falling): Well, so it does. Well, that paper is
wrong.

WALLY: It is? I’m sorry, I guess I’ll go (turns to exit)

THE BOSS: Oh, just wait a minute, you baby. Heather, isn’t there anything we can do?
I’ve got my fancy shoes on. I’ve got to interview someone. Wait---I’ve just remembered.
One position has JUST opened. Apparently, someone killed themself. Excellent. Well,
that’s the job in question.
(Turns to WALLY very slowly). Well, Wallace, exactly how qualified are you for this
position? Can you do the job?

WALLY: Well, I’m not sure if I’m qualified since I’m not sure what the job is.

THE BOSS (motions to shoes): Wallace, I’ve got the fancy shoes on.

WALLY: I suppose I could give it a try.

THE BOSS: Capitol. Then let us get the interview underway.

Can you type sixty words in a minute?

How are you on the phone calls?
Do you translate Czech and French and Finnish?
Can you do anything at all?

Can you work real fast and under pressure

With your back up against the cold walls?
Are you good with scales and with the measures
Can you do anything at all?

Can you write a memo?

Do you speak Chinese?
Do you have a problem with getting on your knees?

WALLY: Right now?

THE BOSS: Couldn’t hurt.

WALLY drops to knees.

THE BOSS:
Can you pledge allegiance to this super state?
Will you take all the big falls?
Do you ever show up more than a minute late?
Can you do anything at all?

Do you make good coffee?

Can you collect fees?
You seem to have no problem with staying on your knees.

WALLY: Actually, it’s beginning to hurt.

THE BOSS: Stay there.

Would you kill your mother and your father

and then tell the judge you don’t recall?
Then sell to me the children of your sister?

WALLY: What? Even little Timmy?

THE BOSS: Yes. Remember: it’s for the company.

Will you do anything?

Won’t you do anything?
Can you do anything at all?

So, do you think you can work for this organization?

WALLY: Yes, sir, I think---no, I know---I can.

THE BOSS: Capitol. You can start right about…(looks at watch) NOW! (WALLY and
THE BOSS pause to look at each other). CODE BLUE! CODE BLUE!

WALLY: Where…do….I…go…sir?

THE BOSS: Vector 14, Sector 9, Cubicle 345, Desk H9. The right side of H9.

WALLY: Where? When?

HEATHER comes in.

HEATHER: Down the hall and to the right. The 35th right. NOW! CODE BLUE!
WALLY: Great! Thank you, sir. I look forward to great days with---

THE BOSS and HEATHER: CODE BLUE!

WALLY runs out and THE BOSS begins to exit.

THE BOSS: They are getting worse all the time. Oh, Jesus my feet are killing me!

THE BOSS exits. HEATHER goes to her desk, plops a new stack of papers down and sits
behind her cubicle.

HEATHER: This job stinks. (Pause) It really does. (Pause). Don’t you think Annie?
Annie?

WALLY (from behind cubicle): Annie? Who’s Annie?

HEATHER: Annie, my cubie-mate.

WALLY: Mate? I sure don’t know who you’re talking about.

HEATHER: Oh, maybe she is the one who died? Great. So I suppose I have to teach this
whole job over again.

WALLY: Listen, I am quite capable and aware of how to do this job. I don’t need your
assistance.

HEATHER: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Listen, when you screw up---

WALLY: When I screw up? I don’t think I will screw up. I went to college for four years,
business school for five and I have been doing my parents’ taxes since I was six. I am
very proficient in the field of receiving accounts. I---

HEATHER: What? This is accounts payable. You are clearly in the wrong section.
You’ve already made your first screw-up.

WALLY: This is accounts payable? I didn’t think---

HEATHER: No, you didn’t think. So when you screw up next time I don’t want you to
come running to me like some poor petite pathetic pound puppy from Pomona.

WALLY: Poor petite pathetic pound puppy from Pomona? Where the hell do you get this
stuff? Paris?

HEATHER: No, Prague. My poppa’s parents proceeded from the posh part of that
particularly pretty place.
WALLY: Peaceful people?

HEATHER: Pissed

A Pause.

WALLY: Anyways, regardless of your poppa’s parents particul---details, you have got to
know that I am completely qualified and I will not stand for being treated like a child.

HEATHER: Well, then stop acting like a baby, you baby.

WALLY: Baby? Who are you calling baby? You are really beginning to burn my onions.
You had better back off---or else.

HEATHER: Back off? I’ll show you backing off. (STANDS)

WALLY: Oh, yeah? (STANDS)

HEATHER: It’s you.

WALLY: It’s you.

HEATHER:
You and I could rule this company
We could try to change this reality
We will have to start small, but we will stand tall
As long as we try, as long as it is you and I.

WALLY:
How could I spend my life apart from you?
I would die if I had to forget you.
And you know it seems to be that you were meant for me.
As long as we try, as long as it is you and I.

HEATHER and WALLY:

We can build a dream, it is not as hard as it does seem.
Not as long as we can dream
A new world, today, it is not so far away.
As long as we try, as long as it is you and I.
Strong as we try, as long as it is you and I.

HEATHER: OMG. The Boss is coming. You’re not supposed to be here.

WALLY: I’m not? But we love each other.

HEATHER: Because The Boss has got this really strict rule about people from accounts
receivable and accounts payable mixing together. It is forbidden.

WALLY: What?

HEATHER: Look at the sign, man (points to a sign)

WALLY: Ohhhhhhh. Well, what do I do?

HEATHER: Get out of here. CODE RED! Make tracks! Like NOW!

WALLY exits, and THE BOSS enters.

HEATHER: How are you today, sir?

THE BOSS: Don’t you dare. You were just thinking of getting it on with that new guy,
weren’t you? Fornication in the workplace. Well, that is it.

HEATHER: I, um, me? No WAY! I’m a…a nun. In training. Yes, that’s it. I like
convents. As many as possible. God rocks.

A LONG PAUSE

THE BOSS: LIAR!

My people are worthless, they can’t do anything right.

They live in darkness when I am the light.
They should adore me, they just ignore me
That really floors me you know I just might
Fire them all tonight, you know it would
Make things so right to fire them all tonight.

My people are careless, don’t know just what they do wrong

Can’t stand their weakness when I am so strong.
They should glorify me, kneel down before me
Beg for my mercy and fear my reich
Think it is time, to make things just right.
You know it would make things so right.

HEATHER: Oh, hush now. You are just sad. You just want to be loved, which isn’t so
wrong.

THE BOSS: No! Get away, lowly peon! You are fired. Yes, all of you are fired. Fired!
Get out of here! CODE SEABREEZE!

A LONG PAUSE
THE BOSS: Okay, then I am leaving. But tell your friend Wally you are both fired. I’ll
make sure you never work anywhere ever again!

THE BOSS storms off. HEATHER sits and begins to cry. WALLY enters.

WALLY: What’s wrong, Heather? Why are you so sad, my beloved? I assure you
nothing could be so broken that our love can’t heal. Tell me, my dear, what has drawn
these tears from your eyes? Tell me and I will show you the way to true happiness.
Because whatever you are feeling there is nothing our love can’t and won’t overcome.
Take my hand, I’ll make you understand that even though you might be sad right now,
hope awaits us just around the corner. Come, let me show you the sunshine.

WALLY:
They said I’ve never make it here but I did
They said I’d never get you back but you are here
And you know it is so strange just how the world tried to change
Our love into what it was clearly not

HEATHER:
They said you never cared for me but you did
They said it’d never last but we have made it through
And now I see they were wrong and promise me you’ll be strong
Their ties that bind cannot hold us for long
Oh, I don’t know where we’ll go from here

WALLY:
If you stumble, oh I’ll be there

HEATHER:
And will the path become more clear to me?

WALLY:
I will lead us where we need to go:

HEATHER and WALLY:

We’ll find a way to love each other
We’ll find a way to understand
We’ll find a way to seek a new forgiveness
I don’t know how but we’ll find a way.

HEATHER:
In these streets we all walk alone but I know you are beside me.

HEATHER and WALLY:

Every day just an endless dream
But we must remember our prayers have an answer

WALLY:
We said we loved each other and it was so clear

HEATHER:
We said we would make it and now

HEATHER and WALLY:

We are here and now they have come and gone
But we have carried on our love for forever I hope it never ends.
We’ll find a way to love each other
We’ll find a way to understand
We’ll find a way to seek a new forgiveness
I don’t know how but we’ll find a way.

HEATHER and WALLY end the song in embrace.

HEATHER: You know how you just said our love can overcome anything?

WALLY: Yes.

HEATHER: And how our love is more important to you than anything else?

WALLY: Yes.

HEATHER: Well our love just got us permanently fired from this and any potential
future job we might ever hold. We are now destitute.

WALLY: WHAT? What hve you done, you instrument of evil? I needed that job! We’re
screwed! I’m screwed!

HEATHER: But what about all that stuff about us finding a new forgiveness and
following our dreams and our prayers having an answer? I thought you could provide for
both of us? Actually, for the three of us. (HEATHER pats stomach)

WALLY: What? I’m tapped, baby. Brokola! No green in the jean! No go with the flow,
you know yo? And a child? We didn’t even have sex---we just sang a heartfelt ballad.

HEATHER: I guess our love is just that strong.

WALLY: This whole deal just sucks.

HEATHER: So what are we going to do? What about Wally Junior?

WALLY: I don’t know. I just don’t know.

LONG PAUSE. A scrap of paper flies onto the stage at HEATHER’s feet. She picks it
up and reads it.

HEATHER: OMG, Wally. I can’t believe this! Our prayers have been answered!

WALLY: What? Am I sterile?

HEATHER: No---is that one of your prayers? Awkward.

WALLY: I wouldn’t call it a prayer. It’s just something I ponder now and again. I’m so
confused. I’m starting to feel funny again.

HEATHER: Listen. According to this document, The Boss has been stealing from
accounts receivable and adjusting the figures for accounts payable. He’s been skimming
off the top. For a quarter of a million dollars!

WALLY: That’s incredible! And so well-timed!

HEATHER: That must be why he never wanted clerks from accounts receivable and
accounts payable to mix. They would find out his secret.

WALLY: Solid work, Nancy Drew. But how does that help us?

HEATHER: Not the sharpest tool in the shed, are we? It means that The Boss will be
fired, we will get promoted and our love can live again.

WALLY: Will I make a lot of money?

HEATHER: Sure will.

WALLY: Great! I’m into it!

HEATHER and WALLY:

We’ve found a way to love each other
We’ve found a way to understand
We’ve found a way to seek a new forgiveness
I don’t know how but we’ve found a way.

THE END