Purge

A Tom Toots adventure

by Patrick Kelly

Covered in feces, and urine, Tom finished vomiting out the last of the peyote and sat back against a
rock, wiped a dirty sleeve across his face, and listened to himself sweat. Soon the desert heat started to
dissipate and he felt at peace.

His spiritual journey had begun with the Yuwipi ceremony of the Lakota medicine man, Irv, and he felt
the evil spirits release their grip on his heart and fly out of his body, but as Irv promised, his journey
was only partly finished. He had to pray the special prayers seven times a day and smoke the special
strain of marijuana for seven weeks, then go to the desert alone for the true enlightenment that can only
come with peyote.

“The vomiting is purging and is something that you may not want to experience, but is a very important
part of the journey spiritually,” Irv told him. “Your body needs to purge bad energy, toxins, blockages--
both physical blockages and blocked chakras--and also to rid your body of parasites and worms. You
may cry, sweat, salivate, urinate a lot, have diarrhea, experience verbal purges such as shouting,
moaning, or just making incoherent sounds. Don’t deny yourself any of this---let it flow.”

Irv then collected $500 and gave Tom a bag of weed.

“Make it last,” he said. Tom thanked him and went on his journey. When the seven weeks of pot haze
and munchies had had passed, Tom drove to the desert with the peyote button he’d gotten from a dude
he met near Venice Beach. He forgot to put gas in the tank, though, and after about 20 minutes the
Pontiac sputtered to a halt in Brentwood. He decided that he had reached the place the universe chose
for him in this next step of his spiritual quest, so he took his water jug and started walking. Eventually
he reached some sandy hills covered in scrub, found a place in the shade to sit, and waited for the
peyote to kick in.

When he woke up, the sky was dark and dotted with stars. Tom made some guttural noises and
marveled at the vastness of space. Propping himself back against the rock, he watched a snake slither
by. He wasn’t afraid. The snake stopped suddenly and turned its head toward him.

“Don’t forget to drink,” it said. Tom squinted and tilted his head the way a dog does when asked if it
wants to go for a walk. “Your jug is almost empty,” the snake whispered and then slithered on its way.
He felt around in the darkness and his hand finally touched the plastic jug. It was, indeed, almost
empty. He tilted it to his mouth and a few drops trickled out. He must have knocked it over while
tripping, he thought. Fuck, not again, he sighed.

Just then a light appeared in the sky. He watched it hover above him, then dart away. Suddenly it
appeared again in the same spot. This time it moved slowly toward the ground. Tom watched as it
landed and he could see it was a giant, glowing orb. A door opened and out walked two very tall thin
creatures.

“Holy shit, this is it,” he whispered.

A calm, clear voice asked, “What is it you think this is?”

“This is what I’ve been praying for. I knew you would come.”

“We heard your prayers,” the voice said, “and we are here for you.”

“Thank you. Oh god, thank you! Finally!” Tom fell face forward on the ground, prostrate before them.

“The vibes you have sent out into the universe were so strong, and your prayers so pure and perfect,
that we had no choice but to answer them. You are one of the chosen people whose lives we have
deemed worthy of help. Most of your species are terrible and will soon destroy themselves. You,
however, are special and we want to help.”

Tom evacuated his bowels once again, this time from joy. The stench wafted through the air and
quickly attracted a band of coyotes who stood several feet away, sniffing the wind, waiting for the right
time to pounce. The aliens, though, picked him up and brought Tom into their orb.

The white intensity of the ship was blinding so they gave him sunglasses so he could see. It was clean
and modern inside, like a new apartment where no one had lived, or at least where the landlord had
hired a cleaning crew to come in before the move-in date. The aliens ushered him to a stainless steel
table and made him lie down. He was powerless to resist them. He looked down and saw that he was
naked and clean.

Then the probing began.

It lasted for hours, it seemed, but it could have easily been seconds. Time had no meaning in the orb.
He watched as the aliens mounted him and he felt the shock of a girthy probe in his anus moving
continually, but he didn’t resist.

He couldn’t resist.

Eventually it was over and he found himself sitting up in a chair face to face with an alien. Its face was
smooth and silky with a greenish tint. The eyes were wide and leonine.

“Do you still want a vagina?” it asked, the voice still clear and calm.

“Yes,” Tom whispered.

“Then you shall have one. You will henceforth live as a woman and give birth to babies and make love
to men with your new snatch. You can still get boned in the ass, but you will have this other option
now.”

“Was all that probing really necessary?”

There was a long pause. “Yes,” the alien answered. “Yes it was.”

“What about my other prayer?”

“If you are 100% sure, it will be granted.”

“I’ve never been more sure,” he said.

“Good, it’s already underway.”

The alien stood and extended a bony hand with flaccid tendril-like fingers. Tom took the hand and
together they walked out of the ship.

Everywhere he looked, the earth was scorched and smoldering. Buildings lay in ruin as lasers were
fired from a fleet of spacecrafts obliterating all life on Earth. Tom laughed maniacally, jumped up and
down, then tried to hug the alien, but the alien recoiled so Tom backed off.

As he surveyed the ruins of humanity, a group of people appeared before him in shackles with another
alien pushing them along like a slavemaster. They were all forced to kneel before Tom.

“Here they are,” the alien said, “all your enemies. These are the people who have wronged you. You
have prayed they they be eaten by us and then shit out on Mars where they will be turds on the hoof.
Are you ready for that?”

“I’ve never been more ready,” he answered.

With that, the alien opened its mouth wide enough to consume and entire human. First there was Don,
the guy who tried to fuck him out of some weed and then lied about it. Next to go was Tony who
misgendered Tom more than once, even after being politely told not to. Then Sarah, who called him a
psycho once. Sid, the dirty Zionist Jew who called him an antisemite because Tom said Israel didn’t
have a right to exist according to the bible. One by one they were eaten whole.

The next thing he knew, Tom was on Mars. The alien stood in front of him and he watched in horror as
it squatted down and began defecating. One by one, giant turds were plopped down into the sandy red
soil. He looked away in disgust, but then just as quickly found himself looking back. Tony’s peace
symbol necklace dangled from the alien’s anus, then finally fell into the steaming pile of feces that
accumulated. When it was over, the alien stood straight and strode away, a small amount of feces on it’s
heel.

Tom reached between his legs and felt his vagina for the first time, then he leaned back and roared with
laughter. Victory, he shouted. Victory!

When the homeless man had finished violating Tom and noticed he was waking, he quickly pulled up
his trousers and hurried away, disappearing into the darkness.
Groggily, Tom rolled over and reached for his water, but it was empty. He only wanted to drink. His
head throbbed and he wondered why his trousers were around his ankles and his ass was so greasy, but
he wasn’t sure if he had imagined it.

Standing up, he heard a car go by on the road below. The lights of Los Angeles flickered a few miles
away. He reached between his legs and felt nothing but the thirst that had dogged him his entire life.