English Is A Crazy Language

3-4-12

Hospitals have parking spaces marked PATIENT PARKING ONLY. Where does one park if
you're IMPATIENT?

ENGLISH

I think a retired English teacher was bored.

THIS IS GREAT! Read all the way to the end................

This took a lot of work to put together!

You think English is easy??

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries
in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take
English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly,
boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig..

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one
moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not
one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you
call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a
humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum
for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by
truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are
opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn
up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by
going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race,
which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when
the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this ....

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that
is 'UP.'
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in
the morning, why do we wake UP ?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?
Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to
write UP a report?
We call UP our friends.
And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and
clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.
In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty
definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.
It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or
more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP,

for now my time is UP,
so........it is time to shut UP!
Crazy English
Here is a terrific poem I have found which shows the unbelievable oddness of our language.

One of my visitors (Vonney – many thanks!) has provided the name Richard Lederer as the genius who
composed this fabulous poem about the craziness of the English language:

The English Lesson

by Richard Lederer

We’ll begin with box, and the plural is boxes,

But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.
Then one fowl is goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a whole lot of mice,
But the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,

Why shouldn’t the plural of pan be pen?
The cow in the plural may be cows or kine,
But the plural of vow is vows, not vine.
And I speak of a foot, and you show me your feet,
But I give a boot… would a pair be beet?
If one is a tooth, and a whole set is teeth,
Why shouldn’t the plural of booth be beeth?

If the singular is this, and the plural is these,

Why shouldn’t the plural of kiss be kese?
Then one may be that, and three be those,
Yet the plural of hat would never be hose.
We speak of a brother, and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.

The masculine pronouns are he, his and him,

But imagine the feminine she, shis, and shim.
So our English, I think you will agree,
Is the trickiest language you ever did see.

I take it you already know

of tough, and bough and cough and dough?
Others may stumble, but not you
on hiccough, through, slough and though.
Well done! And now you wish, perhaps
To learn of less familiar traps?
Beware of heard, a dreadful word
That looks like beard and sounds like bird.
And dead; it’s said like bed, not bead!
For goodness sake, don’t call it deed!
Watch out for meat and great and threat,
(They rhyme with suite and straight and debt)
A moth is not a moth in mother,
Nor both in bother, broth in brother.
And here is not a match for there,
Nor dear and fear for bear and pear,
And then there’s dose and rose and lose –
Just look them up – and goose and choose,
And cork and work and card and ward
And font and front and word and sword.

And do and go, then thwart and cart.

Come, come, I’ve hardly made a start.
A dreadful language: Why, man alive,
I’d learned to talk when I was five.
And yet to write it, the more I tried,
I hadn’t learned it at fifty-five.

[An alternative version quotes the final couplet as:

And yet to write it, the more I sigh,

I’ll not learn how ’til the day I die.]

What a fabulous poem! But such a shame no-one knows the author/s. So yes, English is crazy, and we have
poems like this to remind us!
 Why English Is Hard To Learn (anonymous)

We'll begin with box; the plural is boxes,

But the plural of ox is oxen, not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, and two are called geese,

Yet the plural of moose is never called meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a house full of mice;

But the plural of house is houses, not hice.

The plural of man is always men,

But the plural of pan is never pen.

If I speak of a foot, and you show me two feet,

And I give you a book, would a pair be a beek?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,

Why shouldn't two booths be called beeth?

If the singular's this and the plural is these,

Should the plural of kiss be ever called keese?

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,

But though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his, and him;

 But imagine the feminine... she, shis, and shim!

(http://www.rajeun.net/index3.html)

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Here's a different version of the same poem!

A POEM ABOUT PLURALS

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;

but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,

yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;

yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,

why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,

and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,

why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,

yet hat in the plural would never be hose,

and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,

but though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,

but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

(http://littlecalamity.tripod.com/Text/HateEnglish.html)

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Here's the longest version of this poem I found:

A dreadful language?

We'll begin with box, and the plural is boxes;

But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.

Then one fowl is goose, but two are called geese;

Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a whole lot of mice,

But the plural of man is always called men,

When couldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

The cow in the plural may be cows or kine,

 But the plural of vow is wows, not vine.

And I speak of a boot - would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,

Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

If the singular is this and plural is these,

Why shouldn't the plural of kiss be nicknamed kese?

Then one may be that, and three may be those,

Yet the plural of hat would never be hose;

We speak of a brother, and also of brethren,

But through we say mother, we never say methren.

The masculine pronouns are he, his and him,

But imagine the feminine she, shis, and shim!

So our English, I think you will agree,

Is the trickiest language you ever did see.

I take it you already know

Of tough and bough and cough and dough?

Others may stumble, but not you

On hiccough, thorough slough, and through?

Well done!

And now you wish, perhaps

To learn of less familiar traps?

 Beware of heard, a dreadful word

That looks like beard and sounds like bird.

And dead; It's said like bed, not bead;

For goodness sake, don't call it deed!

Watch out for meat and great and threat,

(they rhyme with suite and straight and debt)

A moth is not a moth in mother.

Nor both in bother, broth in brother.

And here is not a match for there.

And dear and fear for bear and pear.

And then there's dose and rose and lose -

Just look them up - and goose and choose.

And cork and work and card and ward,

And font and front and word and sword.

And do and go, then thwart and cart.

Come, come, I've hardly made a start.

A dreadful language? Why, man alive,

I'd learned to talk it when I was five,

And yet to write it, the more I tried,

I hadn't learned it at fifty-five!

(http://www.anders.dk/poem.htm)

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There are more versions out there, I think it is a funny and interesting poem. I also found a different poem from
a 1929 book called "Drop your Foreign Accent".
It is REALLY hard to read this poem and most native English speakers will make mistakes as it uses some very
strange and rare words!

English is Tough Stuff

(A.K.A. The Chaos) by G. Nolst
A poem on the difficulty of pronouncing English

Dearest creature in creation,

Study English pronunciation.

I will teach you in my verse

Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.

I will keep you, Suzy, busy,

Make your head with heat grow dizzy.

Tear in eye, your dress will tear.

So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,

Dies and diet, lord and word,

Sword and sward, retain and Britain.

(Mind the latter, how it’s written.)

Now I surely will not plague you

With such words as plaque and ague.

But be careful how you speak:

Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;

Cloven, oven, how and low,

Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,

Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,

Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,

Exiles, similes, and reviles;

Scholar, vicar, and cigar,

Solar, mica, war and far;

One, anemone, Balmoral,

Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;

Gertrude, German, wind and mind,

Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,

Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.

Blood and flood are not like food,

Nor is mould like should and would.

Viscous, viscount, load and broad,

Toward, to forward, to reward.

And your pronunciation’s OK!

When you correctly say croquet,

Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,

Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour

And enamour rhyme with hammer.

River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,

Doll and roll and some and home.

Stranger does not rhyme with anger,

Neither does devour with clangour.

Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,

Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,

Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,

And then singer, ginger, linger,

Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,

Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

Query does not rhyme with very,

Nor does fury sound like bury.

Dost, lost, post and doth,

cloth, loth.Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.

Though the differences seem little,

We say actual but victual.

Refer does not rhyme with deafer.

Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.

Mint, pint, senate and sedate;

Dull, bull, and George ate late.

Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,

Science, conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,

Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.

We say hallowed, but allowed,

People, leopard, towed, but vowed.

Mark the differences, moreover,

Between mover, cover, clover;

Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,

Chalice, but police and lice;

Camel, constable, unstable,

Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, panel, and canal,

Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.

Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,

Senator, spectator, mayor.Tour,

but our and succour, four.

Gas, alas, and Arkansas.

Sea, idea, Korea, area,

Psalm, Maria, but malaria.

Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.

Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,

Dandelion and battalion.

Sally with ally, yea, ye,

Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.

Say aver, but ever, fever,

Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.

Heron, granary, canary.

Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, but preface, not efface.

Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.

Large, but target, gin, give, verging,

Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.

Ear, but earn and wear and tear

Do not rhyme with here but ere.

Seven is right, but so is even,

Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,

Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,

Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation — think of Psyche!

Is a paling stout and spikey?

Won’t it make you lose your wits,

Writing groats and saying grits?

It’s a dark abyss or tunnel:

Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,

Islington and Isle of Wight,

Housewife, verdict and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough –

Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?

Hiccough has the sound of cup.

My advice is to give up!

Crazy Crazy English - Poem by ROOP REKHA
BHASKAR
Explaining language rules to a five year old,
Can certainly be brain hacking.
I tried and cajoled,
But it only got more whacking.

I got real exasperated;

And Joan, more aggravated.
Why ‘Hand’ is singular, plural ‘Hands’
So are Trains, Cars and Trams.
But why Joan’s pretty Foot
Is not ‘Foots’ but Feet?

I’m vexed to answer why-

When I purchase, I Buy.
When tears roll, I cry.
But it is still incorrect;
If ‘Buies’ appear in a sentence;
But ‘Cries’ is correct in presence.

Anne’s dog barks and she can hear it loud and clear;
But the tree barks, is not the same to hear.
‘Bite’ is a verb and so is a ‘bark’
So here is a new saying for Bill Gates dog.
“His bark is worse than his Byte! ’

But I cannot voice why, to a learner;

The day is cold, wet, or hot.
What a hot sun! ! Is never taught!
Nor the snow is cold, or the rain is wet.
You can get into a fit, and is totally silly.
‘Cause it is true in a Simile.

Ann spelt S-I-G-H; She wrote C-L-O-N-E

But went through a storm
Explaining the norm
Cyclone is not Sighclone.

The phone is an instrument

An electronic one as that.
Then should I write a ‘Pre’ or a ‘Post’
To reschedule my plans?

Goose is to Gander, Berry is to fruit.

Gooseberry now, has a gender issue?
And so it can be true
To say Bananaberry and Grapeberry,
Because they are berries too.
I sat finally perplexed, when she asked
“Did you see a Mango on a Coconut tree! ? ”
Yes of course! She said with glee.
A Man go on a coconut tree is possible!
In India everything is adorable! !

ROOP REKHA BHASKAR