ACT Now

Adjusting to Cancer
Committing to your values
Taking action now

Linda Bilich, J. T. Blackledge, Joseph Ciarrochi , Danielle Feros, Lisbeth Lane

(note: authors listed alphabetically, not in order of contribution)

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 Contents

How to use this workbook.................................................................................................3

MODULE 1 - Letting go of unhelpful struggle, Making room for living.....................4
We are taught to control our “bad” feelings and thoughts.........................................7
Does control work?.........................................................................................................9
If trying to control our thoughts and feelings doesn’t work, why do we do it?.............16
The alternative to control: Willingness...........................................................................19
Willingness.....................................................................................................................23
What is willingness?.......................................................................................................33
The cost of unwillingness...............................................................................................34
Why try willingness?......................................................................................................37
MODULE 2 - How we get stuck in our minds and lose sight of our life as it’s
happening now.................................................................................................................40
The mind is a “don’t get eaten machine”...................................................................47
Defusion.........................................................................................................................50
Mindfulness...................................................................................................................62
MODULE 3 - You are more than your pain; You are more than your suffering;
You are more than your cancer......................................................................................71
The observer self...........................................................................................................78
MODULE 4 - Moving toward a vital, meaningful life---with your pain....................86
What are values?...........................................................................................................88
Values and reasons........................................................................................................94
Values are about the journey, not the destination............................................................95
Everything in our path can be the path toward our values.............................................96
Living your values more consistently...........................................................................112
Goals.............................................................................................................................113
Barriers..........................................................................................................................115
Actions..........................................................................................................................117
Staying committed to the things you love.....................................................................119
A summary of everything: The five key questions we will ask ourselves for the
rest of our lives...............................................................................................................120
References.......................................................................................................................122
Willingness and committement worksheet..................................................................123
Daily experiences diary.................................................................................................124
Weekly values worksheet..............................................................................................129

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 How to use this workbook

This workbook is intended to add to the experience you have in the ACT Now workshops.
Some of the material in the book will look familiar, as you will have already been exposed to it
in the workshops. This material is included intentionally, to allow you a ‘second pass’ that may
help you absorb it more thoroughly. Some of the material will look new, and is included to help
you approach the major workshop themes from somewhat different directions. Perhaps most
importantly, this workbook provides you with material that you can take with you and refer to
once the workshops have ended.

The best way to use this workbook is to work through each chapter as it is assigned in the
workshops. It’s fine to browse through the entire workbook once you get it, but later chapters
won’t make much sense and will have less positive impact unless you’ve already been exposed
to their content during workshop sessions. This is an experiential approach to coping with
distress, where you learn primarily by doing rather than reading or thinking. The workbook
contains experiential exercises. However, it is designed to help you refer back to what you
experienced in the workshop rather than provide a first-time experience.

IT IS CRITICALLY IMPORTANT THAT YOU ACTUALLY DO THE EXERCISES IN THIS

BOOK, RATHER THAN JUST READ THEM.

It’s like learning to play a sport. You don’t really learn how to play a sport by reading about
it (you can only determine the rules and intent of a game by reading about it). You only learn
how to play by actually playing. And, while this instruction may sound odd and be hard to
understand at this point, we don’t want you to believe anything you read in this workbook. The
exercises included here are designed to help you focus seriously on your own experiences. You’ll
find that the experiences that come up for you as a result of doing these exercises are more
reliable guides than the words printed on these pages and the words your own mind throws out at
you. What matters is what you do, not what you think.

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MODULE 1 - Letting go of unhelpful struggle, Making room
for living

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 Being diagnosed with cancer profoundly ‘shakes up your world’. Most of us go through

life on ‘auto-pilot’, feeling relatively healthy, going about our day-to-day activities, having some

degree of faith in the relative predictability of life, hoping for better things down the road--and

very rarely considering that one day we won’t be around. Whether your prognosis is grim or

more hopeful, cancer changes all this. If you’ve signed up for this group, you’re most likely

struggling with some extremely powerful and difficult feelings and thoughts. Many people

struggle with the following things:

 Fear and anxiety about what will happen next

“You try not to [think
about it], but you get an
ache somewhere, or a
 Worry about how your illness is affecting family lump somewhere or
other, and you look at it
and say ‘is it?’”
members now and might in the future
(Anonymous cancer
survivor)
“I’d been doing all the
right things,  Anger, confusion, or disbelief about how and why this is
swimming, exercising,
eating right, why happening to you
me?” (Anonymous
cancer patient)

 Fatigue and other physical effects of chemotherapy or radiation treatment

“You do lose your

“It’s like my greatest fear was confidence. I think chemo
realised in my case, about my does it. Chemo, and losing
situation, I hoped against hope your hair, you just lose so
that it would never happen to much confidence in
you but it did, and it was still a yourself.” (Anonymous
shock.” (Anonymous cancer cancer patient)
patient)

Exercise: Writing about your struggles

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We would like you to write below some of the issues that are currently psychologically difficult
for you. Just write what comes to mind.
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We are taught to control our “bad” feelings and thoughts

No doubt, you’ve tried lots of things to cope with the feelings and thoughts that showed up

after you were diagnosed with cancer:

- Trying not to think about your situation,

- Throwing yourself into your work,

- Trying to think positively or optimistically,

- Trying to take a more ‘balanced’ or ‘rational’ perspective on your situation.

Some of these things may have worked for you in the past, but you may have noticed that

since your diagnosis, they just don’t seem to work anymore. Then again, you may have noticed

that some of the ways you try to cope with tough feelings and thoughts work for a while—but

that circumstances repeatedly bring these feelings and thoughts back.

This programme is not about getting rid of the tough thoughts and feelings that show up

alongside a diagnosis of cancer. It’s not about helping you think more rationally about your

situation—it’s natural for someone diagnosed with cancer to experience the kinds of tough

feelings and thoughts you are faced with. It’s not about helping you think more positively. Our

guess is you’ve tried this, and a number of other very creative and clever ways of trying to ‘get

rid of’ or reduce the distress you’re feeling. We don’t want to deny the seriousness of what

you’re facing by suggesting your experience isn’t as distressing as I lost 10 kilos and I had no
hair and everyone was
you think it is. What we’re interested in doing is helping you live
saying to me, ‘oh you look
your life (whether your life lasts for 6 months or 60 years) in a way great’…people can’t tell you
the truth. That’s the hard
that gives you vitality, meaning and purpose—whether you’re part. (Anonymous cancer
patient)
feeling distressed and facing uncertainty every step of the way or

not.

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 Most of us go through life thinking that disturbing thoughts and distressing feelings are

dangerous, and that we can and should try to control or avoid them. A part of us feels we should

be able to feel somewhat happy and undisturbed most or even all the time. Self-help books tell us

to have a “positive attitude” and we will be able to do anything. The mainstream culture tells use

to “accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative….”. Well-meaning friends and family tell us to

try to be happier. We live in a culture that tells us we should be able to control our feelings and

thoughts.

“And then you get inane comments, you know… you’re feeling foul,
you’ve lost your hair, you might be on your second or third chemo, you
just feel crap, you’re not sleeping… “Stay positive, think positive”…. I
could smack them in the head…” (Anonymous cancer patient)

Exercise: Notice how much people encourage us to change our thoughts

and feelings

People often think that we should be able to get ourselves out of our negative moods. If we can’t,
they suggest that all we have to do is try harder.

In the space below, we would like you to write down some of the things you have heard about
controlling your feelings. This can include statements like “just relax” or “have a positive
attitude,” or “Don’t cry or I’ll give you something to cry about.”

1)____________________________________________________________________________

2)____________________________________________________________________________

3)____________________________________________________________________________

4)____________________________________________________________________________

5)____________________________________________________________________________

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6)___________________________________________________________________________

7)___________________________________________________________________________

8)___________________________________________________________________________

9)___________________________________________________________________________

10)__________________________________________________________________________

Does control work?

Exercise: How have I tried to avoid or change unpleasant thoughts

and feelings?

In this exercise, take a good look at what you do to cope with painful thoughts and feelings—
with distress. It works best if you make a complete list of strategies you use to ‘feel better’ when
you’re feeling bad.

Directions: Think of the most distressing thoughts and feelings you’ve tried to avoid or change
over the past weeks and months. Write them down in the appropriate column, below. Then, think
of the different ways in which you’ve tried to deal with or avoid all of these distressing thoughts
and feelings, and write all of those down. You do not need to match up the strategies with the
emotions and thoughts that you use them for.

Finally, for each strategy you list, indicate how successful this strategy has been at ‘getting rid
of’ distressing thoughts or feelings over the short term (i.e., minutes, hours, or a few days) and
the long term (days, weeks, months, years), using the following scale:

Please turn over…

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 1 2 3 4 5
Extremely Slightly Not Particularly Slightly Effective Extremely
Ineffective Ineffective Effective or Effective
Ineffective

This is an example, do not complete:

How Effective?
Feelings and thoughts I Strategies I’ve used to avoid or Short- Long-
would rather not have change these thoughts or feelings Term Term

Anxiety Don’t go for check-up 3 1

Anger Drink alcohol 3 2

Fear Distract self 4 2

Sadness Avoid children 3 2

Thoughts of cancer coming Avoid social activity 4 1

back
Push people away 2 1
Thought that “I am no longer
a whole person”

Thought that “I don’t want

to make my children feel
bad”

Thought that “I hate the way

people look at me/treat me
now.

Think carefully about how well your strategies have worked before filling out the “Short-term”
and “Long-term” columns in the chart below. When considering how each ‘long-term’ strategy is
working, ask yourself questions like:
 “Has this strategy actually gotten rid of distressing thoughts and feelings for good?”
 “Do the really tough thoughts and feelings come back over time, even though I have used
this strategy?”

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 1 2 3 4 5
Extremely Slightly Not Particularly Slightly Effective Extremely
Ineffective Ineffective Effective or Effective
Ineffective

How Effective?
Feelings and thoughts I Strategies I’ve used to avoid or Short- Long-
would rather not have change these thoughts or feelings Term Term

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 Your experience may be that while control can seem to work for milder forms of distress, it

just doesn’t work very well when it matters most.

“I just don’t believe
Can we ever make these thoughts go away? you ever beat it;
you’re not ever
 I am not good enough. cured.” (Anonymous
cancer survivor)
 It is unfair.

 What is going to happen next?

That fear, that anxiety, that anger, that sadness—whilst it may come and go—keeps making

return visits, especially when times are tough.

Audio exercise: Track 1 - Does control work?

Exercise: A Yellow Jeep [1]

What happens when we try to suppress our thoughts?

1. Think about a bright yellow Jeep. Can you see a clear picture of a bright yellow jeep in
your mind? Have you had a thought about bright yellow jeeps in the past few days?
How many thoughts showed up? _________________

2. Using a watch to time yourself, for the next 3 minutes try really hard not to have any
thoughts about a bright yellow jeep. Return to the book after the 3 minutes.

3. How did you go? Write down the number of times you had a thought about a bright
yellow jeep ____________________________

How easy was it to suppress thoughts of ‘a yellow jeep’? Usually, people experience an increase
in thoughts related to a ‘yellow jeep’ when they are told not to think about it. Some people are
successful in not having thoughts about a yellow jeep for a short time, but once that thought pops
into their minds, they experience an increase in ‘yellow jeep’ thoughts.

If you were successful in not thinking about a yellow jeep, what were you thinking of?

_______________________________________________________________________

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Why were you thinking about this?

________________________________________________________________________

Was it so that you would not be having thoughts about a ‘yellow jeep’? If so, how successful
were you really? Notice that even though you were able to not think about a yellow jeep, the
thought ‘yellow jeep’ was always there because we told ourselves we must not think about a
‘yellow jeep’ --- so even it seems to work, it doesn’t work. Is this familiar to your experience?
You try very hard not to have distressing thoughts and emotions, yet they are still there.

That was pretty hard, wasn’t it? Most people find it quite difficult to not think about

something. Here is another exercise.

Exercise: Don’t Be Anxious…Or Else! [2]

Imagine that you are hooked up to a polygraph machine (often called a lie detector), which is
able to sense even the very smallest increase in anxiety. Your task is to not feel anxious for the
next 5 minutes. There might be a chance that you are not motivated enough to perform this task
successfully. If this is the case, isn’t it common sense that if you can’t get over an unwanted
emotion like anxiety, you are just not trying hard enough to put a stop to it (e.g., people often say
“just get over it” or “Pull yourself up by your boots”)? So, in order to motivate you properly,
imagine that someone points a gun to your head and promises to pull the trigger if you get
anxious?

How likely is it that you could stop yourself from getting anxious? Nearly impossible? Do you
feel even a little anxious just thinking about it?
______________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________

Trying to control distressing feelings – especially when it matters most to us – works in this way.
No matter how much effort we put into not feeling these distressing feelings, we’re not very
successful at it. Over your life, how many times have people told you things like, “Don’t be sad”
or “There’s nothing to be scared about”? Do such suggestions work for you?

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 Exercise: Think Positively, Now!

Even “thinking positively” may be much more difficult then popular culture would have us
believe.

To do this exercise, make sure you’re in a quiet place, which is free from most distractions. Then,
concentrate very hard on each of the following phrases for at least 10 seconds each, one at a
time. Try your best to think only the positive thoughts that are listed below as you focus on each
of them. Ready? Remember, focus on the first thought for at least 10 seconds, and do the same
with the ones that follow, one at a time:

I’m a great person.

There’s nothing wrong with me.
I am whole, complete and perfect.

What did you notice? Did you notice a tendency for your mind to be uncertain about some of
these thoughts and ‘pull in’ negative thoughts, such as ‘objections’ like “I’m not perfect—I have
some problems”?

Positive thoughts often tend to pull in negative thoughts. Think about all the times in your life
you’ve tried to ‘think positively’. Sometimes you think positive thoughts, sometimes you don’t.

Exercise: Don’t think about your thoughts [1]

What have you noticed so far about trying to control your thoughts? Here’s one more exercise.

Try to pinpoint a single thought, related to your experience of cancer that is distressing for you.
If you can, break down that thought so that you can write about it in a short sentence or a few
words.

1. Write down this thought below.

_________________________________________________________________

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 2. How many times has this thought come into your mind in the last week? (If you are not
sure, make a rough guess.)

_________________________________________________________________
3. Now, using a watch, for the next 3 minutes try really hard not to think that thought.
Return to the book after the 3 minutes.

4. Write down the number of times you had that thought while you were trying not to think
about it. __________________________________________________

5. For the next 3 minutes, allow yourself to think about anything you want. Return to the
book after 3 minutes.

6. During the 3 minutes, how many times did the distressing thought come to mind, even
though you could think about anything? ___________________________

Have you noticed how hard it is to make thoughts go away? If you found these exercises

hard, you are not alone. Research suggests that when people are asked to not think about

something, they often think more about it [3]. The thought comes back more and more.

The same is true for emotions. Psychology research suggests that when people try to avoid

a certain emotion---say anxiety---, they tend to have more of that emotion [3, 4]. Try not to feel

anxious and you have more anxiety. Try not to feel sad and you may find yourself feeling worse.

What if there are two different rules in operation here. The rule of public experience and

the rule of private experience [2].

The rule of the public experience: If you are not willing to have it, you can often get

rid of it. For example, if you want to get rid of an ugly sofa, you can usually get rid of it. If your

car isn’t running, you can get it fixed. If you need more money, you can work extra hours.

Problems in the world ‘outside the skin’ can often be solved by working harder and taking

control.

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 The rule of private experience: If you are not willing to have it, you have it. Private

experience refers to the various thoughts and feelings you have—the world ‘inside the skin’. By

now, your experience may have shown you that distressing thoughts and feelings show up

whether you want them to or not—and they come and go on their schedule, not yours. In fact,

you may have even noticed by now that efforts to make distressing thoughts and feelings go

away can actually make them worse. For example, if you avoid facing a problem that makes you

anxious, you may become more anxious over time because the problem gets bigger and bigger. If

you drink to get away from your troubles, your drinking may create more troubles. Or, if you

avoid discussing your troubles with someone you really care about because doing so will focus

you on your sadness, you may become even more sad because you are becoming more distant

from this person.

If Trying to Control our Thoughts and Feelings Doesn’t Work, Why

Do We Do It?

If attempts to control what we think and feel—attempts to ‘feel better on demand-- don’t

work very well for us, why is it that the notion that such attempts should work is so common in

our society? There are at least four main reasons:

1. Control works well…on the outside

Control attempts tend to work very well in the outside world. If you don’t like the way

your furniture is arranged, you can change it. If you don’t like your job, you can find a new one.

If you don’t like what someone is doing or saying, you can tell them to stop—and they just might

comply. Thus, it seems logical that things should work the same way with emotions and thoughts

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you don’t like. If you don’t like how you feel, change it! But feelings and thoughts are not

furniture, jobs, or agreeable friends. Does your experience tell you that you can get rid of strong

feelings you don’t like, on demand?

2. Control is sometimes effective…in the short term

Many of the ways in which we try to control our thoughts and feelings do work—for a

short time. One of the most commonly recognised facts in psychology is that short-term

consequences, under normal circumstances, are much more powerful influences on what you do

than long-term consequences. Think of examples from your own life. It’s often much more

pleasant—in the short term—to watch television than it is to work on that huge project from

work, or to sit down and pay a stack full of bills. But if you don’t finish that project or pay those

bills, the longer term consequences can be serious. Having several drinks feels good in the

moment—but, long-term, having several drinks lots of times causes health problems and leads to

many negative consequences. Short-term consequences are powerful, both for animals and

human beings. But living completely—or even mostly-- under the influence of short-term

consequences is a disastrous way to live life.

3. Everybody else seems to be able to control their thoughts and feelings

We very often get messages from others indicating that we should be able to control what

we think and feel. Part of the reason for this is that these people get tripped up by the same

“logic” discussed in the first paragraph. Another reason is that others get just as ‘bowled over’ by

the short term effects of emotion/thought control attempts as we do. Yet another reason for why

we hear a lot of messages that we should be able to control what we think and feel is that

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believing this is in the financial interest of others. Buy this product, that pill, this magazine, or

that new piece of clothing, and you’ll feel as good as the model in the commercial. It may work

in TV-land, but we live in the real world.

4. Control works for others…doesn’t it?

Attempts to control thoughts and feelings appear to work for other people. We all know a

number of people who appear to be ‘in control’, happy, completely ‘on top’ of their lives. But

how many people who you know extremely well appear like this? Many people are good at

‘putting on a happy face’ and pretending like they have no problems. In fact, most cultures

(including ours) demand that people come off in this manner. But consider a few statistics. Just

over 51% of the population will seriously consider suicide for at least two weeks at least once in

their lives [2, 5]. Nearly 100% will consider the possibility of suicide at least once in their lives,

but not seriously consider following through with it [2, 5]. About 50% of the population will meet

criteria for a psychological disorder at some point in their lives [6]. Every person alive now will

not only eventually die (a very distressing thought), but also grieve the loss of friends and loved-

ones. Do these statistics suggest that efforts to control thoughts and feelings work well for

others?

Struggling with Distress is Like Struggling with Quicksand [1]

Imagine you are walking by a lake and you happen to see someone standing in the middle
of a pool of quicksand. You look around and you see that there are no ropes or tree branches that
you can use to help this person. The only way that you can help this person is by talking to them.
Meanwhile, the person is shouting at you, “Help, get me out,” and is beginning to do what most
people usually do when they are stuck in a scary situation – struggle to get out. When people step

18
into something that they don’t want to be in, like a spider web or a large puddle of water, the
most effective action to take is to walk, run, hop or jump out of trouble.
This is not a good idea when it comes to getting out of quicksand. Moving around in
quicksand will only ensure that a person will sink deeper into it. Quicksand is actually the
combination of sand and water and moving around will create a ‘vacuum’ effect that acts to suck
a person in further. As you look at the person struggling in the quicksand, you see that this
process is unfolding. What would you shout out to the person?
Let’s say you know how quicksand works. You would say to the person to stop struggling
and to move slowly into a position where they can spread their arms and legs out and lie flat. In
other words, to keep from sinking deeper into quicksand, it’s necessary to stop struggling against
it, thus taking an extremely different perspective toward it. This will help the person eventually
float to a safe level where they are able to logroll to safety. With quicksand, then, you have to
both stop struggling and be willing to be in it in order to make something different happen.
The quicksand relates to the thoughts and feelings that we are struggling with. Some of
these thoughts and feelings has been around for sometime, while others might be recent. The
quicksand can refer to a traumatic memory, a past criticism from a parent or close friend, your
experience of being diagnosed with cancer and the treatment you were exposed to. How long
have you been struggling to get out of the quicksand---to control your thoughts and feelings?
Does it seem like it’s an endless struggle? Is there anything like this in your life that seems like
quicksand? Does it often feel like each time you struggle with it that you seem to be sinking
deeper into it? What if, in order to keep yourself from sinking deeper into your ‘psychological
quicksand’, you have to do something very different—something like what was discussed in the
last paragraph?

The alternative to control: Willingness.

What most of us are never exposed to is an alternative to these control efforts. What if

there’s a way that you can ‘co-exist’ with the distressing thoughts and feelings you experience, in

a way where they don’t stop you from doing what is most important to you? You may not believe

19
this is possible now, and that’s fine. You may not even think that this is what you want now. After

all, wouldn’t the best-case scenario involve feeling better and doing what is most important to

you? It would be hard to argue against that possibility, but ask yourself honestly: Have your

efforts to get rid of your emotional pain and distressing thoughts ultimately worked, or do these

things keep coming up for you? Have you found a way to live a distress-free life, or do

circumstances, sooner or later, make you feel distressed?

Distress comes and goes on its own time (despite what we want it to do). What matters,

though, is how it works for you. Hopefully, the exercises in the previous section have started to

help you make contact with what works and doesn’t work.

There’s another way of looking at your struggle with your own painful thoughts and

feelings. It’s like being in a tug of war with a monster. The harder you pull, the harder the

monster pulls. You never seem to gain ground, and meanwhile life is passing you by. (Figure 1).

Figure 1: Struggling to change our feelings and thoughts can be like playing tug of
war with a monster.

What if there is an alternative to struggling? What if the alternative is to let go of the rope?

(Figure 2)

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 Figure 2: Sometimes the best thing to do is to let go of the rope

When you’ve spent a minute or so looking at both of the images above, notice the

differences between the first and second image. In the first image, all the person’s efforts are

focused on ‘defeating the monster’—keeping distressing thoughts and feelings from

overwhelming him, trying to ‘pull the monster into the hole’ and get rid of him once and for all.

Whilst he’s doing this, both his hands are tied up, and he’s not free to do anything else. He may

very much want to be doing some different things with his life, but he believes his mind when it

tells him that he has to win this struggle against his distress before he can move on. In the mean

time, a meaningful, purposeful, vital life is passing him by.

In the second image, our cartoon hero comes up with a very unexpected and clever

solution. Rather than continuing to engage in the struggle against his distressing thoughts and

feelings, he drops the rope and becomes fully aware of the monster and all the difficult thoughts

and feelings it represents. Notice that the monster doesn’t go away. Dropping the rope isn’t a way

to get rid of distressing thoughts and feelings. However, it is a way of ‘freeing up your hands’ for

more vital and more meaningful work…a way of letting go of the struggle against thoughts and

feelings that are going to be there on their own terms, regardless of what we would prefer. He

21
can likely expect that that monster will follow him around (some or even most of the time) as he

walks toward things that are very important to him. But he doesn’t have to fight him anymore.

He just has to allow ‘the monster’ to be there as he lives a valued, meaningful, purposeful life.

“I found that I’ve faced my own mortality…I learned that I wasn’t as strong as I thought
I was, but that was ok…but it took me a while to learn that that was ok. Once I learned
that that was ok, I learned that I was more then what I thought I was…or more than I
perceived myself to be able to be…” (Anonymous cancer survivor)

The Chinese Finger Trap [1]

The situation is something like the Chinese finger traps that we used during the
intervention. The trap is a tube of woven straw about as big as your index finger. You push your
index fingers into each end, and as you pull them back out, the straw catches and tightens. The
harder you pull, the smaller the tube becomes, and the stronger it holds your fingers. Your fingers
get ‘stuck’.
If you push into the finger trap, your finger will still be in the tube, but at least you’ll have
enough room to move around and live your life. With the finger trap, by pushing your fingers
into it, you create some space whereby you can release your fingers.
What if life is like a Chinese finger trap? So it’s not a question of getting free of the tube,
it’s a question of how much space, or ‘wiggle-room’ you want to have in your life. The more you
struggle, the more you noticed that your movements were constricted. If you let go of the
struggle, the more freedom you have to move around in the world and make new choices.
____________________

Audio exercise: Track 2 - The alternative to control: Willingness

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 Willingness

‘Willingness’ is the opposite of effortful control. It doesn’t involve getting rid of or even

minimising your distressing private stuff. Willingness is like your distress asking you, “Will you

take me in as I am?” [1]

It involves, in a sense, giving up the struggle against your distressing and painful private

stuff, with the understanding that these private experiences will come and go on their own terms,

in spite of what you would prefer---and, you continue moving forward in the most important

areas of your life.

The two scales [2]

Imagine there are two scales, like the volume and balance dials on a stereo. These two

scales both control our distress or suffering. The scale on the left represents your experience of

distress. It can go from 0 to 10. You have noticed that for some time, it has been too high and you

have been trying very hard to turn it down, but it doesn’t seem to be working. When it’s up at 10,

you’re trying really hard to make it go down, you’re unwilling to have this distress. You’re

focussing all your efforts into getting rid of this distress, which leaves you little energy left to go

and do what’s really important in your life.

23
 There’s also another scale. It’s been hidden because of our intense effort to control our

distress. This other scale can also go from 0 to 10. This scale is called our ‘Willingness scale’.

This scale is more important, because it is this one that makes the difference and it is the only

one that you can control. It refers to how open you are to experiencing, your own experience,

when you experience it—without trying to manipulate it, avoid it, escape it, change it, and so on.

When your Willingness scale is at 0, then your Distress scale is likely to be high. When our

focus is solely on getting the distress scale down, we have no chance to notice the Willingness

scale. We get stuck. It's like the way in which a ratchet wrench is used to tighten a bolt. When

you have a ratchet set one way, no matter how you turn the handle on the wrench it can only

tighten the bolt. When Distress is high and Willingness is low, the ratchet is set and Distress can't

go down. That's because if you are really, really unwilling to have distress, then distress is

something to be distressed about. Trying to control distress often doesn’t work. What we need to

do is to shift our focus from the distress scale to the Willingness scale.

Unlike the distress scale, you can set the Willingness scale anywhere. It is not a reaction---

not a feeling or a thought---it is a choice. You can choose to set it high. If you set Willingness

high, and stop trying to control distress, your distress will be low-or it will be high. If you really

want to know for sure where the distress scale will be, then there is something you can do. Just

set Willingness very, very low, and sooner or later when Distress starts up, the ratchet will lock in

and you will have plenty of distress. If you move the Willingness scale up, then distress is free to

move. Sometimes it will be low, and sometimes it will be high, and in both cases you will keep

out of a useless and traumatic struggle that can lead only in one direction.

24
 Exercise: My willingness experience (Part 1)

Think about some examples of when you were willing or unwilling to experience your
distressing thoughts and emotions---your private stuff. Once you have thought of at least one
example of each, write these down below and answer the following questions.
Some examples of high distress and low willingness include: putting off a medical appointment
because of a fear of bad news; or, avoiding talking to, or calling someone because you are
worried that they might get distressed.

To begin understanding what we mean by ‘high willingness’, think about a situation in which
you were experiencing distressing thoughts and feelings, and despite these, you acted in an
opposite way. Another way of understanding ‘high willingness’ is to think about experiences
you’ve had where in spite of your feelings and thoughts, you acted in a way that was effective or
reflected what was important for you to do in order to live a meaningful life.

An example of high distress and high willingness include: attending a medical appointment, even
though you are scared about getting your test results back; compromising with your partner or
spouse to solve a problem, even though you are very upset and want things to go completely
your way.

Anxiety: Example of Low and High Willingness

Describe a time when you wanted to reduce or avoid anxiety. Focus on a time that you also
avoided doing something that was important to you. For example, you might have decided
against talking to a friend because you were anxious about how they would respond to you:
1 10

Low willingness to experience anxiety

________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________

Describe a time when you willingly did something important, even though it made you feel
anxious. For example, you might have shared your feelings and thoughts with a loved one
despite feeling anxious that they may reject you:

1 10

High willingness to experience anxiety (in the service of values)

25
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________

Sadness: Example of Low and High Willingness

Describe a time when you tried to avoid or get rid of ‘sadness’ and this interfered with you doing
something important to you. For example, describe a time when you decided not to do
something, because you did not want to feel sad:
1 10

Low willingness to experience sadness

________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________

Describe a time when you were willing to experience sadness, in order to achieve something. For
example, you might have been willing to feel sadness, when you had to tell a significant other
about your health status:

1 10

High willingness to experience sadness (in the service of values)

________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________

Insecurity: Example of Low and High Willingness

Describe a time when you tried to change or avoid feelings of insecurity and this interfered with
you doing something important to you. For example, you avoided returning back to work
because of feelings of insecurity and lacking in confidence about your skills:

26
 1 10

Low willingness to experience insecurity

________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________

Describe a time when you engaged in something difficult, even though it brought up feelings of
insecurity. For example, you might have gone back to work, or confronted somebody about not
being able to do something, even though this made you feel insecure.

1 10

High willingness to experience insecurity (in the service of values)

________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________

When we are unwilling to experience certain feelings and thoughts, we may not do things we
value. We also may do things we don’t value, in order to make the feelings and thoughts go
away. Here are some examples.
 Playing big, so that you don’t have to feel small
 Playing small, so you don’t get evaluated and feel insecure.
 Getting angry and blaming someone, so you don’t have to feel sad or anxious
 Actively avoiding medical or health advice, because you don’t want to feel anxious
 Doing activities that take you away from your loved ones, because being with the loved
ones is “too painful.”

Anger and Willingness [12]

Anger is beneficial when it serves as a warning signal that something is wrong. In these
situations we usually experience pain and hurt, and we may be at risk of being harmed. Anger, as
a warning signal, can trigger a surge of adrenalin which can be of great assistance in getting us
out of harms way, or asserting ourselves in situations that are threatening, scary and dangerous.
Anger can act as a catalyst for positive action to protect yourself or others from further harm.

27
What happens though, when anger and angry behaviour (aggression) is used to try to change, get
rid of, or avoid certain unpleasant emotions, such as hurt, pain, fear, rejection and insecurity?
Popular culture suggests that venting your anger is healthy and helps to let off steam and
frustration. If we express our anger, it will result in a healthier and happier ‘frame of mind’,
increased self esteem, and we’ll be able to communicate more effectively with the people around
us.

Think about a recent situation where you have been angry and ‘you’ve let off steam’, or vented.
Describe the situation below, in particular the feelings and thoughts that you can recall having
before you ‘vented’:
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

How did you feel during that situation?

______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

How did you feel after the situation?

______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

What was the outcome? In other words, once you had ‘vented’ did this act reduce your distress /
frustration? Also, how did the other person/s respond?
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

If you noticed that you were more angry then before and the other person/s was also angry, then
typically, that’s what happens. It’s often the case that when people act in anger, they simply get
more angry. Those at the receiving end of anger outbursts also get angry [12]. Expressing anger, or
venting, does not reduce anger. Instead, it functions to make you even angrier. It’s also the case
that venting can act to solidify an angry attitude, escalate anger and even aggression, and really,
doesn’t help to resolve the situation.

If you noticed that you felt relieved, was there any cost to that? That is, at who’s expense was it?
If we’re angry at ourselves or others, because of our own feelings of hurt, insecurity or pain is
often referred to as anger fuelled by hostility (as distinct from anger that serves as a warning).
Hostile anger is a state of mind of ill will fuelled by strong judgments about yourself and other
people. Hostile anger has been found to be particularly bad for your health, especially your heart
(Friedman, 1992). Hostile anger can also damage other areas of your life that you care about,
your own health and the relationships you have with people around you.

28
Some common ways we use angry behaviour to make ourselves feel better include:
 Acting angry to make oneself feel stronger
 Acting angry to make oneself feel more secure
 Getting angry to escape feeling anxious
 Directing anger at others, and blaming them, in order to feel better about the one’s self
 Expressing anger to feel “big” and make others feel “small.”
 Acting angry so we don’t have to feel like we are being “stepped” on, or taken advantage
of

Each of the above behaviours is about making ourselves feel good, and is not necessarily about
engaging in value congruent behaviour. As we have learned in this module, attempts to control
our feelings, to deliberately make ourselves feel better, often does not work, and can make things
worse.

Describe some examples when your angry behaviour took you away from things you valued:
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

Our anger can be beneficial; however it can also be even more damaging, particularly when it
arises in situations when we are unwilling to experience distressing feelings and thoughts. Anger,
and behaving aggressively, can be another way in which we get hooked into the tug-of-war. If we
are willing to experience unpleasant emotions, we can choose to respond to a situation
differently, instead of reacting with angry behaviour. Aggressive behaviour is one among many
choices you can make when you experience anger. You can learn to make other choices.

Exercise: My willingness experience: (Part 2)

29
Very often, our minds trick us into thinking that we have to feel a certain way and think a certain
way in order to act. For example, we may think we need to feel “confident enough” in order to
do something, that we “can’t be too anxious or afraid” to do something, or that we must feel
“loving” in order to act in a loving manner toward someone very close to us. The fact is, virtually
all of us can remember times when we acted without confidence, did something we were very
anxious about, cared for someone at a moment when our heart wasn’t really in it—or did
anything that we didn’t “feel like” doing or thought we couldn’t do. In all honesty, you may not
have even been “willing” to feel your unpleasant feelings and think your unwanted thoughts in
the situations you described above. In other words, you may have still struggled against those
thoughts and feelings, and managed to move forward anyway. But even then, you still did
something that your mind (or your feelings) told you you couldn’t do, or shouldn’t do. Imagine
what it could be like, in the future, if you tried this without struggling against unwanted thoughts
and feelings. Imagine if you could move forward and carry distressing thoughts and feelings with
you without putting all that time and effort into trying to make them go away. It may not seem
possible at this moment, but this is what this workbook and these workshops are about—how to
willingly ‘drop the rope’ with your personal demons and carry them with you as your life moves
forward.

The second part of this exercise involves you rating your own experiences each day.
Specifically, at the end of every day, make a rating on the scale from 0 (not at all) to 10 (extreme
amount) of your daily experiences with distressing thoughts and feelings, how much effort you
put into struggling with them and attempting to make them go away, how successful or
unsuccessful you are at doing that, and how much you acted and behaved in a way that is
important to you and consistent with what you values and goals that you may have.

Doing this exercise will give you a sense of how distressed you are, how much you struggle, how
effective the struggle is, and how effective you are in moving towards what is important to you.
We’ve included at the back of this book, several sheets where you can rate your daily
experiences. Continue following your daily experience with distressing thoughts and feelings by
recording your ratings on those sheets.

Once you’ve completed about a week’s worth of these “experience diaries”, we very strongly
encourage you to go back, look through all of them, and answer the following questions.
Remember to actually do this exercise (that is, remember to fill out the daily forms before
you answer the following questions) rather than just “imagine” what your answers might
be. As with all the other exercises here, it’s important to actually experience this exercise and see
what comes up, rather than just believing what your mind tells you about what might happen if
you did it.

1. Are higher “struggle numbers” associated with higher “effectiveness numbers”?

In other words, on days where you struggled a lot with your distress, was this struggle
effective in making your distress go away?
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________

30
2. Are higher “struggle numbers” associated with lower “valued action numbers”?
In other words, on days where you struggled with your distress a lot, did you have trouble
doing things in life that are important to you—a lot of the things that you value in your life?
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________

3. Are lower “struggle numbers” associated with higher “valued action numbers”?
In other words, on days where you didn’t struggle with your distress much, did you do more
of the things that are important to you, more of the things you value?
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________

4. Were there days where your “distress numbers” were high, and your “valued action
numbers” were also high? In other words, were there days when you were very distressed,
yet you still managed to do things that you value?
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________

5. If your answer to question #4 was “yes”, were your “struggle numbers” low on these days?
In other words, on days where you were distressed and did things you valued, did you
struggle less with your distress?
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________

6. If your answer to question #4 was “no”, were your “struggle numbers” high on these days?
In other words, on days where you were distressed and had trouble doing things you valued,
did you struggle more with your distress?
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________

At this point, you may want to reflect on your answers. For many, this exercise can reveal that
struggling with our “distress isn’t working out the way we’d hoped it would. You may
therefore have found that your struggling wasn’t very effective in getting rid of distressing
feelings and thoughts. For others, the struggle appears to be effective in getting rid of distress—
but they notice that distress keeps popping up day after day. In such cases, if struggling is so
effective at getting rid of distress, how come distress keeps popping up?

You may also notice that increased struggle comes alongside decreased valued action. In other
words, you may have noticed that on those days when you really struggled with your distress,
you didn’t do what was most important to you. Some people even notice having days where
they were very distressed, but still managed to get high “valued action” numbers.

31
At this point, if you didn’t notice some or all of the things we just said others tend to notice
when they complete these diaries, it’s not a problem. You might consider continuing to fill out
these diaries for another week and then seeing what happens. Or you might just keep moving
onto the next parts of the workbook and trying the other exercises. No one exercise ‘works’ for
every person.
___________________________

32
 Daily Experiences Diary

At the end of each day, please answer each of the following four questions using the scale below.
Ratings for each question can range from 0 (not at all) to 10 (extreme amount):

0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
None / Extreme
Not at all
amount
Distress: How upset or distressed were you today overall?
Struggle: How hard did you try to make your distressing feelings and thoughts go away today?
Effectiveness: How effective was your struggle in making your distressing feelings and
thoughts go away today?
Valued Action: How much did you do the things that matter most to you today?

Day Distress Struggle Effective Valued Action

0–10 0–10 0–10 0–10
Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday

Thursday

Friday

Saturday

Sunday

Refer to the back of the book for more diary sheets.

33
 What is Willingness?

The following points may also help give a sense of what we mean by willingness. You may

connect with some of these descriptions, and not connect with others. That’s fine. Be aware that

there’s no need at this point to “understand” exactly what willingness is. You’ll feel your way

into it as you gain experiences from this workbook.

 Willingness means “actively responding to feelings and thoughts by allowing or

letting them be in your awareness before rushing in and trying to fix, change, or fight

against them.” It means allowing thoughts and feelings already there to be there

without fighting against them.

 Willingness is gently pushing your fingers into the Chinese Handcuffs to make more

room to live in, rather than struggling against your experience by pulling your fingers

out. It’s giving yourself room to breathe.

 The goal of willingness is not feeling better. The goal is to move more effectively

toward what you value and sometimes even to open up to the vitality of the moment.

 Willingness is noticing that you are the sky, not the clouds. The one who willingly

holds, observes and accepts those painful thoughts and feelings, rather than the one

who defines him/herself by those thoughts and feelings.

34
  Willingness is noticing for yourself, in the moment, that thoughts are just thoughts,

not facts. It’s also noticing that even the thoughts that say they are facts are just

thoughts!

 Willingness is not resigning yourself to experiencing painful thoughts and feelings,

not tolerating them because you have no other choice, and not liking them. Instead,

willingness allows us to become more fully aware of the exact nature of our pain, as

it is and not as our minds say it is. This allows us to respond to this pain in a more

skilful way, rather than reacting to it by automatically using our old, often unhelpful

strategies in dealing with difficulties.

The goal of willingness is flexibility.

__________________________________________________________________________

The Cost of Unwillingness

When we try to control or get rid of our distressing private experiences we may have found

that our struggle and distress increases. In other words, our distress scale is creeping up to 10. We

might describe these experiences as though they are out of control, and likewise, so are we.

Think about your own experience, particularly when you have been faced with very

difficult things in your life. What number was your distress scale at during a few of those times?

How willing were you to open up to these experiences, including all the distressing private stuff

that showed up? Some of the emotions and thoughts that showed up at those times were likely to

be distressing and difficult to deal with. You may well have become involved in the struggle to

get rid of these thoughts and emotions. This is not only completely understandable—it’s also the

same thing that 99.5 people out of a 100 would have done. The question is, where did this

struggle get you? Did it move you closer toward the things in your life that are vitally important

35
to you, or farther away? At the times you were struggling against this huge degree of distress,

was your life more about doing the things that matter most to you, or more about shutting out the

world?

At this time we would like to distinguish between ‘pain’ and ‘suffering’, or what we refer

to as ‘clean’ and ‘dirty’ discomfort [2].

More pain

More pain

More pain

Pain

Suffering

Suffering

Suffering

Figure: Pain occurs as a normal part of living; suffering occurs because we try not to have the
pain.

Life dishes up moments of distress and discomfort. Sometimes, distress and discomfort

literally rains down on you, and it seems like it will never end. Distress comes as a result of just

living. That well-worn phrase, “Life is hard”, is true. Clean discomfort refers to the pain and

distress that comes from simply being human. On a near-daily basis, we have to do things we

36
don’t want to do…we realise we don’t have things that we want…we have regrets about what we

have and haven’t done…we become uncomfortably aware of our own mortality…we’re treated

unkindly by others…and we make contact with the loss of friends and family. Clean discomfort

(“pain”) is, quite simply, a natural and unavoidable part of life. The clean discomfort is our

experience of life. For example, when somebody close to us passes away, we experience pain,

sadness, anger, etc. This is natural. Like the two scales, sometimes pain will be high, or it will be

low --- it all depends on what your life has been like and what’s happening to you now.

Dirty discomfort (or “suffering”) is the term that we use to describe what we do in response

to our distressing thoughts and feelings. Given the exercises you’ve done so far, you may have

become aware that some or many of the things you do to avoid feeling psychological pain may

actually be increasing the amount of distress you experience in the long run. These reactions to

your pain turn the pain into suffering—they make clean discomfort very dirty. Believing many of

the thoughts we have in response to our pain also turn clean discomfort into suffering. For

example, when we are in pain, it’s common for us to believe thoughts like “Life should be

easier”, “I must be treated fairly”, “Things have to be different”, “I can’t take this anymore”, and

to self-criticise with thoughts like “I’m weak”, “I’m hopeless”, and so on. We’re not trying to

talk you out of thoughts like this now (nor will we ever try to talk you out of any thoughts).

We’re just asking you to notice if ‘buying into’ thoughts like this increase the pain that you

experience when you are distressed—if many of the reactions you have to honestly-won’t pain

actually turn that icy clear water dirty—if many of these reactions amplify your pain into

suffering. We’re also not asking you to ‘do’ anything about this now—just to notice the

distinction between clean and dirty discomfort, between pain and suffering. We’ll move on to

what to ‘do’ about it in later sections of the book.

37
 When the willingness scale is set high and control is low, you will still experience clean

discomfort, you will still experience as much pain as is there to be felt – but you will have left

only the natural pain that fits with your actual experience (clean discomfort).

____________________________________________________

Why try Willingness?

Willingness isn’t something you do just for the ‘heck of it’. You may choose to be ‘willing’

to experience your tough thoughts and feelings for some very important reasons. See if any of

the following statements reflect your reasons [1].

 Because when I move away from pain that I encounter when living a valued life, I

also move away from the richness of life those values bring me.

 Because, at worst, struggling against my painful experiences makes them more

painful than they already are—and at best, struggling against my own thoughts and

feelings only works for a little while.

 Because when I try to close myself off from painful aspects of my past, I also close

myself off to some of the helpful things I’ve learned from my past.

 Because there is a vitality and openness to experiencing willingness, and a sense of

tightness, disconnection, and feeling closed off when I’m not willing.

 Because strange as it may seem to my mind, living in colour during both pleasant and

painful experiences seems better than living life in black and white.

 Because “living in my experience”—living in the moment—often seems more

rewarding than “living in my mind”.

38
 Exercise: Why Willingness? [1]

In this exercise, you get a chance answer this question yourself. Write down three or four of your
own responses that come to mind. If you find this difficult, just notice that, gently allow yourself
to feel this and then go back to answer the question.

 Why Willingness? __________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________

 Why Willingness? __________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________

 Why Willingness? __________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________

 Why Willingness? __________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________

Exercise: How Willing are You to Change? [1]

Let’s say that I told you, that in order to live a healthy, vital, meaningful and satisfying life you
had to give up trying to struggle with and control your distressing private experiences (thoughts,
feelings etc.) before you could move towards your valued direction. How willing are you to do
that? (You don’t need to know how to do that; we’re just asking how open are you to being
willing).

Please turn over…

39
 1 10 20 30 40 50 60 70 80 90 100

Low willingness High willingness

to experience distress to experience distress
in the service of values in the service of values

If 1 means totally unwilling and 100 means totally willing, how willing would you be to have
your difficult private experiences and choose effective behaviour that is in line with what is most
important to you? Write the number here: ________________

If you wrote down a low number, are you hoping that a low number means that you’ll experience
less pain? Your experience has probably told you that a low number doesn’t mean less pain; it
means a less vital life - a life where you do much less of what matters most to you. We aren’t
asking whether you think that willingness will work. We are asking that would you be willing to
have your difficult thoughts and feelings in order to live a health, meaningful and satisfying life,
would you choose that? Do you still want to stick with your low number? We are asking if you
are willing to experience the distress that shows up in the course of living a meaningful,
purposeful, satisfying life. What shows up for you when you think about this?

______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

Imagine you were totally willing to experience fully your distressing thoughts and feelings and
yet still engage in actions that were important to you. How would your life be different?
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

We don’t expect that this would be making a difference to you yet. Your mind might be telling
you that it’s impossible to willingly have all your private experiences, or that you don’t deserve
to have a meaningful life. But, as we’ll see in the next module, your mind is not always your
friend. What we would like you to do is stay open to possibilities, and to look to your experience.
The next chapter focuses on strategies that work to build your willingness muscle.

40
MODULE 2 - How we get stuck in our minds and lose
sight of our life as it’s happening now

41
 You may be thinking that willingness is a dangerous—or ineffective—way of approaching

your distress and moving forward with your life. Under normal circumstances, this might well be

true. This chapter will involve taking a closer look at our ‘minds’ and ‘how we think’—about

how our thoughts change our experiences, and what we can do about that.

It is likely not ‘news’ to you that the way you think about your experience changes your

experience. But most of us are not aware of how often, and how dramatically, what we think

changes our perception of our lives—and how seriously our minds can mislead us into thinking

we’ve got everything figured out. The science of psychology is beginning to recognise that

language plays an important part in this process—that perhaps we take our words, our own

thoughts, more seriously than is called for. Experimental research on Relational Frame Theory

[7] has repeatedly shown that people can think about neutral objects in hugely different ways, in

spite of what the object really is. But don’t believe this just because we’re saying it. In fact, if

you find yourself readily believing this possibility, don’t even believe that thought! Thank your

mind for that thought! Try the following exercises instead, and see if you can find a ‘gut-level’

experience of what language is and what the limitations of thoughts are.

Exercise: Milk, Milk, Milk [2]

Read the word ‘milk’, close your eyes, and focus very hard on the word ‘milk’. What comes to
mind? What is milk like? Can you taste it, if so, describe the taste. Write these down in the space
below:

______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

42
Can you taste milk right now? It’s unlikely that you are drinking milk at this moment, but notice
how milk was ‘here’ in the room psychologically. You may have been able to see it, taste it, feel
it---yet we only asked you to read and think about the word ‘milk’. This demonstrates what we
talked about earlier, that is, the way in which people can come to view a neutral object in
different ways.

Now, find a quiet place where you won’t be disturbed. At the risk of feeling a little silly (we quite
honestly think it’s more than worth it to experience the point of this exercise), this next part of
the exercise involves you saying the word “milk” out loud as fast as you can for 60 seconds. Just
keep saying the word out loud, over and over again, as fast as you can. Okay, start saying it now,
“milk, milk, milk, milk…”

How did you go? What was your experience with saying “milk” over and over again?
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

After you said the word ‘milk’ over and over as quickly as you could, what happened to the
meaning of the word? Look back at the responses you gave to the first question in this exercise.
Did saying the word quickly and repeatedly still remind you of the images the same way that it
did before you did the exercise?

Did you notice whether anything different or new happened? Perhaps you noticed how strange
the word sounded after repeating it over and over, or how the muscles in your mouth were
working as you were saying the word. If you did, write this down.

______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
Most people who have done this exercise say that they lose the meaning of the word temporarily
as they do this exercise. After a while, it just becomes a strange sound and a weird sensation.
Don’t believe what we’re saying, what was your experience during this exercise?

Now let’s try this exercise with something closer to your experience. Take a distressing thought
you often have about yourself and cut it down to a few words, one word would be even better.
For example, if you think that you are unattractive, you might use the word ‘ugly’. If you are
afraid that others think you are uninteresting, you might use the word ‘boring’. Notice any
discomfort or doubts you may have about repeating this exercise with a word that hits very close
to home. We want to very earnestly ask you to take this discomfort and doubt along with you and
complete the exercise anyway. We’re asking you to do it for some very important reasons.

Write the word that describes you when you are being hard on yourself: ______________

43
How distressing is it to think that this word applies to you? Give it a score between 1 and 10,
where 1 means no distress and 10 means extremely distressing: _________________

How true and believable does this word seem when it’s applied to you? 1 means not at all
believable and 10 means it’s very true / believable: ____________________________

Now, find a quiet place where you won’t be disturbed. Like we did with the word ‘milk’, do the
exact same thing with your word. Say the word to yourself over and over, and as fast as you can
for the next thirty to forty seconds. Okay, start saying it now…

What was your experience with saying that word over and over?
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

Did the word have the same emotional impact when you said it quickly, as it did when you said it
once earlier in the exercise? Did the impact change? How did it change?
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

Right now, how distressing is it to think that word applies to you? Use the same scale as before:
________________________________

Right now, how true or believable is this word as it applies to you? _________________

As you may have noticed, words have the power to bring things into the room that aren’t

really there. Milk wasn’t in the room when you first thought of the word (if it was, get the real

milk out of the room and try again!). But your mind brought it into the room anyway. After you

repeated it many times, the illusion of ‘actual milk’ completely disappeared. Words are really

just sounds. We are not saying they have no use, we are simply saying that words aren’t as

binding as they appear to be. Words create an illusion that they really are what they say they are.

At first and even second glance, they look solid, real, etched in stone, like they are ABSOLUTE

44
TRUTHS that rule your life whether you want them to or not. But look at the words printed on

this page. Nothing on this page exists in full living colour. All these words are simply made up

of marks, strokes, dots. They are black and white letters living in a full-colour world; two-

dimensional scratches acting like three-dimensional experiences. They pretend to capture your

direct experiences, but it’s all just ‘talk’.

The second part of the exercise asked you to think of a negative self-evaluation that you

really believe about yourself. You may have noticed that when you said the word once that you

experienced a number of physical sensations (e.g., butterflies in the stomach, ‘heavy heart’), and

you may have remembered situations / events related to that word. What happened after you said

this word (or words) repeatedly and quickly? Did it become just a sound? Notice how saying

that word once brought the experience it referred to ‘into the room’, just like saying ‘milk’

brought milk into the room in some respects. You’re mind may tell you all sorts of things at

those rough moments in your life—that you’re a bad person, a selfish person, weak, hopeless. It

may at times say that things vitally important to you are pointless, forever out of reach, or that

you’re not worthy of having them. What if these words are just words—just like ‘milk’, just like

the distressing word or short phrase you just repeated? Don’t believe us, and don’t believe what

your own mind tells you. What did your direct experience during the ‘milk’ exercise show you?

Could it be that all words are like this?

We’re not trying to trick you here—we’re just trying to start helping you see how language

works—how thinking works—how your ‘mind’ works when you ‘throw a wrench’ into the

machine and experience your thoughts from a different perspective. Thoughts have the power to

‘rule your world’ and force your hand only when they’re experienced from a “business as usual”

perspective. When you start getting back in touch with the fact that they are sounds and shapes,

45
you may be able to experience them differently. Here’s another example of how language can

influence our perception of something.

Exercise: Saliva [1]

Think about your saliva. Think about all the ways in which saliva is beneficial. Feel how warm
and moist it is in your mouth. Use your tongue to feel the saliva on your teeth and rub your
tongue on the roof of your mouth. Imagine…if your mouth were totally dry, it would probably be
very irritating to rub your tongue on your teeth, or on the roof of your mouth. Think of a time
when your mouth was dry. Have you ever tried to swallow when your throat was so dry that it
felt like there was sand in it? It can be a very unpleasant experience. Now, try swallowing and
feel how your saliva makes the action of swallowing smooth and easy.

Did you know that saliva has antiseptic qualities? This acts to wash away germs and protect your
teeth and gums. People who have conditions where the saliva flow is restricted are likely to
suffer from tooth decay and gum disease. Saliva also helps us to predigest our food. Taking time
to chew our food can make it easier to swallow, and our stomach then has an easier time
breaking it down. Have you ever eaten in a hurry and found yourself gulping large quantities of
food without having chewed it properly? It creates a heavy lump that you can feel as it slides
down your throat and moves to your stomach. Saliva is a truly wonderful thing.
Now imagine that you are holding a clean, spotless, beautiful crystal glass. Each time you feel
that you have a little extra saliva in your mouth; you spit it into the glass. You keep doing this
until the glass is full.

Imagine you take this glass full of your own spit towards your mouth, and you drink it until the
glass is empty.

What was that like for you to imagine? For most of us the idea of doing this is disgusting. It’s
gross to swallow your own spit!

Isn’t this strange though? It’s your saliva and you swallow it all the time---you drink it down all
day long. Remember the good things about saliva that we talked about. Thinking about the idea
of drinking spit as a beverage was disgusting, yet the actual day-to-day experience of saliva is a
different thing. But once we thought about it as ‘spit’ everything changed. What do you think of
when you think of spit?

What was originally a wonderful substance has all of a sudden become a disgusting substance.

46
 Language seems to make ‘monsters’ present. We say a word and it can seem like that actual

object is in the room. Think back to the lie detector exercise. Did you experience an increase in

anxiety when you read the word ‘gun’, or was it the words ‘pull the trigger’? You weren’t

hooked up to a lie detector, and there was no gun pointed at you head. But you may have still felt

a bit anxious anyway—because thinking about the words “don’t be anxious”, “lie detector”,

and “gun pointed at your head” were powerful enough to ‘bring things into the room’ that

weren’t really there, weren’t really ‘capital “T” Truths’. What about the last exercise you just

completed? How do you feel when you say the words “smooth, velvety teeth” in comparison to

saying the words “spit-covered teeth” to yourself? Your experience of running your tongue

across your teeth is what it is—nothing more, nothing less. But your mind can make it seem

delightful or disgusting simply by throwing a bunch of letters and words at you. Your mind does

the same thing with countless other experiences in your life!

The ‘milk’ exercise likely showed you how ‘alive’ or

“It's hard to imagine…what it feels
like to be told you have a malignant vivid something can be simply because a word is spoken—
tumour growing inside you. I
imagined the worst. I immediately how simply saying a word can make something that’s not
pictured a black, spongy substance
like mould creeping around inside me there look like it really is there. It’s easy to see that something
where healthy pink tissue should be
instead.” solid and tangible like milk isn’t in the room when you look
(Anonymous cancer patient)
closely, but it’s not so easy to see how “evaluations” which are

not so solid and tangible (like “I’m a bad person”, or “I’m hopeless”, or whatever difficult

thought you repeated after the ‘milk’ exercise was) is really ‘in the room’ or ‘etched in stone’. (If

the last sentence isn’t completely clear to you, that’s OK. You’ll see this issue more clearly after

you complete the ‘descriptions, evaluations, and rules’ exercises later on in this chapter.) We

47
respond to such evaluations—these words-- as though there really is a monster in the room that’s

going to hurt us.

We’ve long held onto the notion that our minds—our words—allow us to completely

understand the world and our experiences. But what’s your experience of the word ‘milk’? Does

the word ‘milk’ fully capture exactly what milk is, what it tastes like, what it feels like? When

you try to describe what it’s like to play in the ocean waves, does your description fully capture

the actual, full experience of playing in the waves, or does it fall short of being able to describe

the full complexity of an experience like that? What if the world—and your actual direct

experience—is something bigger, something different than what your mind can capture? What if

all these words we use to talk about our experiences are just words, rather than the ‘binding

realities’ or absolute truths they pretend to be? Don’t believe any of this (remember—the mind

that tells you whether all this is ‘true’ or ‘false’ is the same mind that claims it’s all-knowing).

The most important thing for you to notice is this: What is your direct experience after going

through the exercises in this chapter? Are words all that they are ‘cracked up’ to be?

We’ve explored how trying to change our distressing private stuff can increase our distress.

We have also explored the way in which language can increase our experience of distress. In this

next section, we will explore the way our mind works. Again, don’t believe what we say, look to

your own experience as a guide and see how this fits with your experience.

______________________________________________________________________

The mind is a “don’t-get eaten machine” [2]

Our minds give us the ability to use language and to think thoughts. We are not saying that

there is something wrong with language, or words, and thinking. In fact, your mind uses this

48
ability to help overcome hurdles, or problems, in the outside world. Just think about all the things

that humans have been able to do by using language and our minds. We can create things, build

things, and even get rid of - or destroy things. In the outside world, we have excellent problem-

solving skills that work very well in structuring the world in a way that works for us.

We use these same problem-solving skills when it comes to dealing with difficult things in

the world inside our skin, that is, our thoughts and feelings. However, when it comes to coping

with distressing thoughts and feelings, your mind isn’t always helpful. It is not that we don’t

think minds are useful; it’s just that you can’t really live your life effectively between your ears.

Minds evolved to give us a more detailed way of noticing threats to our survival, and they

probably helped organise groups of pre-humans (i.e., cave men and women) in ways that led to

less killing, stealing, incest, and so forth. In a very real sense, the mind evolved originally as a

“don’t get eaten machine”, to help protect ourselves from very real, very solid threats to our

lives. One thing minds didn’t evolve for was to help pre-humans feel good about themselves.

If you look at recent studies of natural thought processes, what you always see is that a

large percentage (as much as 80%) of all mental content (thoughts) is negative in some way [8].

We have minds that are built to produce negative content in the name of warning us about solid

threats, or keeping us in line with the group. We will all have to address this paradox: your mind

is not your friend, and you can’t do with out it.

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 Figure 1: Sometimes it is useful to have a “don’t get eaten machine”

Unfortunately, our minds become so good at evaluating outside threats that they eventually

go on ‘overdrive’ and turn against us. Our minds begin to see that anything that disturbs or gets

in the way of what we would prefer to happen as a real threat to our actual existence. Certainly,

things like cancer are as solid and real a threat as the lion chasing the ‘caveman’ in the image

above. Our minds help to activate us into action against solid threats to our survival, like cancer.

But we typically aren’t aware that the thoughts they throw at us—whether actual threats to our

lives are present or not-- aren’t as solid.

We begin to regard our minds as ultimate authorities on what kind of people we really are

and what we can and cannot stand. We begin to really believe our minds about every evaluation

that it throws at us, that, often, we don’t even fully check in with our own experiences to see if

what it is saying is actually true. In fact, believing what our minds tell us is ‘business as usual’

for us. We are suggesting that maybe there’s something fishy about language and the amount of

stock we put into what we all believe. And again, don’t believe what we’re saying here.

Fortunately, there are many things you can do—many “defusion strategies” you can use--

to disrupt the ‘business as usual’ response and expose words for what they really are.

50
Defusion

Defusion involves learning to see language (particularly evaluations) as it really is—to see

our thoughts as simply words, simply thoughts, rather than facts that are carved in stone. Part of

the process of stepping out of the struggle with our own thoughts and feelings—of willingly

experiencing our psychological pain in helping us to move toward what’s most important to us—

involves seeing thoughts for what they really are (streams of words and sounds), not what they

say they are.

Defusion strategies work to help you experience language—especially unpleasant negative

self-evaluations and harsh rules about how we must and cannot behave —in ways that highlight

language’s unique ability to create monsters that aren’t really there.

Exercise: Having a thought vs. buying a thought [2]

Pick a thought that you find distressing and are struggling with. You might choose the thought or
word that you used in the milk exercise, or the thought you used in the ‘don’t think about your
thoughts’ exercise. Write that thought down on the next page, on the lines included here. Read
the instructions over the following page once you have written down your thought.

Write the thought you are struggling with on the lines below

__________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________

51
Now, hold the previous page right in front of your face—just far away enough so that you can
barely fit the whole thought into your field of vision and still read it. Notice what you see when
you do this. Once you have done this, slowly move the book away from your face until you
arm/s are straight out in front of you. You should still be able to see what you had written on the
page. Again, notice everything that you see whilst your thought is at arms length. You might
want to do this a few times in order to respond to the following questions.

What did you see when your thought was right up close? What did you feel? Write down as
much as you can about everything you saw / noticed / felt.
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

What did you see when your thought was out in front of you? What did you feel? Write down as
much as you can about everything you saw / noticed / felt.
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

What do you notice was different about the thought when you held it in the two different
positions?
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

You may have noticed that when the thought was close to your face that the thought looked and
appeared 100% true, and that the thought was the only part of your experience and the room
around you that you were noticing. When you held the thought at arms length, you could
probably see the whole word or sentence that you wrote, you could see the whole page, and you
probably noticed that when you looked beyond the piece of paper, that you could see a whole lot
of other stuff – furniture, carpet, windows, etc. The thought may have even ‘grabbed less of your
attention’, or maybe even looked a bit more ‘suspect’. It’s like your perspective changed in
relation to that thought.

You might be thinking, “What was the point of doing that exercise?”

Think about the times when you were caught in the struggle with your distressing thoughts.
When this happens, it is as if all we can see are our thoughts, and everything that we do and feel

52
is directly related to this thought. For example, if I was engaged in a struggle with the thought
‘I’m boring’, I would probably feel awful and I might decide that it’s not worth meeting people
because it’s likely that they won’t like me and I’ll bore them to tears.

When we are struggling with our thoughts, it is as if we are looking at the world through our
thoughts. Everything we see and do is related to this thought. We might even respond
automatically without choosing whether what we are doing is important to us, or is related to
what we value. We are hooked. We refer to this as ‘buying a thought’. We buy the distressing
thought/s and we start to look at the world from that thought.

When we put some distance between ourselves and the thought we create some space where we
can see the thought in a different way. We still see the thought (what was written), that doesn’t
change, but we see so much more, and we see other things around it. The space in between gives
us room to choose to respond to it differently. We can choose what we want to do when this
thought shows up – it can be in line with our values or not. The difference is that it’s not an
automatic reaction. In this sense, we don’t get hooked. We refer to this as ‘having a thought’.

Exercise: Having a thought vs. buying a thought

The previous exercise involved getting some space between the thought and how we might
respond to it. We can do this similarly by actually adding the words “I’m having the thought
that…”. Let’s give it a try.

In the space below, write down 5 difficult thoughts that you notice tend to show up quite a lot.
They may be thoughts related to your current medical condition, or about a relationship/s that
you’re struggling with, or perhaps it’s related to your work, or study. For example, “I can’t
handle feeling sick anymore”, “No-one understands”, “It’s pointless to keep going on with my
study”. Write down your 5 thoughts below:

1) __________________________________________________________________
2) __________________________________________________________________
3) __________________________________________________________________
4) __________________________________________________________________
5) __________________________________________________________________

Now, write down those same thoughts again, but first write down “I’m having the thought
that…”. For example:
“I’m having the thought that I can’t handle feeling sick anymore”;

53
“I’m having the thought that no-one understands”;
“I’m having the thought that it’s pointless to keep going on with my study”;

Write down your own thoughts:

1)____________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

2)____________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

3)____________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

4)____________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

5)____________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

Take a moment to look at the thoughts that you have written. Look at when you wrote them the
first instance. Now, look at when you wrote them with “I’m having the thought that…” in front
of the thought. Do you notice anything different? When you read through the thoughts starting
with “I’m having the…”, do the thoughts seem different---maybe they sound strange, or seem
awkward, maybe they don’t have the same impact, maybe the way it feels has changed. Write
down what you notice:
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

‘Unhooking’ or defusing from our thoughts involves looking at our thoughts from a

distance rather than seeing the world through our thought. ‘Buying’ thoughts necessarily means

54
that we remain tangled up with them, which increases our struggle. Having a thought enables us

to create some space where we can see the thought for what it actually is, not what it says it is.

When we choose to have a thought, we are willing to have it, and we can choose to do what’s

vital rather than react automatically to the thought.

Exercise: Finding the descriptions, evaluations and rules [2, 9]

We’re suggesting that there is something fishy about language and the way in which we ‘buy into
thoughts’ without questioning these things, especially when it comes to distressing feelings and
thoughts. Try the following exercise and see what your direct experience tells you:

All language—all of our thoughts—can basically be divided into one of three categories:
Descriptions, Evaluations, and Rules.

1. Descriptions are thoughts that simply describe what we can see directly when we observe
‘things’. We use our five senses to do this, in other words, we describe things based on
what we see, touch, taste, hear and / or smell. Examples:

This is a table. (It’s hard, solid, has four legs, is wooden, is grey, etc.)
I feel anxious. (My stomach is upset, my shoulders are tense, my heart is beating
fast, etc.)
My friend is yelling at me. (He/she is speaking loudly and quickly at me.)

These descriptions describe things and events in ways that are undeniable. You can prove
each of them simply by touching, seeing, or hearing what they refer to. You don’t need to
check your understanding with anyone, or engage in an internal debate to determine
whether your descriptions are accurate. You simply know that your descriptions are
accurate based on your own experience.

2. Evaluations are thoughts that compare events and give an evaluative label that is used to
describe feelings, events, people or experiences either negatively or positively. Examples:

This is a good table.

This anxiety is unbearable. (Or bad, or stops me from giving this speech.)
My friend is a jerk for yelling at me. (Or I can’t handle being yelled at.)

Notice how we can’t directly describe evaluations using our five senses. For example,
you know when a table in front of you is solid and has four legs, simply by looking at it
and touching it-- and no one on Earth could dispute it. When you evaluate it as a good
table, things start to get shaky. Is ‘goodness’ a part of the table, as is solid or wood? Or is
‘goodness’ a label that’s applied or not applied to the table based on social opinion? Does

55
 evaluating something ‘good’ or ‘bad’ actually change the descriptive properties that you
can touch, see, and feel? Notice this important distinction between descriptions and
evaluations. Do you find evaluations more than a bit fishy?

3. Rules refer to obvious or hidden ideas about how things have to be done, or can’t be
done. We’re not talking about directly ‘sense-able’ rules like, “I can’t walk on water”, or
“Don’t walk in front of a moving car or you’ll get hurt”. Rather, rules refer to ideas about
what one should and shouldn’t do in relation to ways of problem-solving, or the way in
which our culture specifies how we should behave when we experience different thoughts
and emotions, particularly distressing ones. Example:

Rules about emotions (e.g., “Men don’t cry; women don’t get angry”; “If I get
anxious, I will just lose control”; “No pain, no gain”),
Rules about how people and life should not make us upset (e.g., “People must
treat me fairly; the world must be fair”; “I must always perform well at everything
I do”; “Don’t trust…(type of cultural or religious group, individuals with certain
occupations)”.

Thus, descriptions are solid. Evaluations and rules are a bit fishier and flakier than descriptions.
We create a lot of problems for ourselves when we believe that our evaluations are just as solid
as descriptions. We don’t have to treat evaluations as if they are “true” with a capital “T”. We can
choose to notice them and not believe them.

Notice what thoughts show up for you when you feel very anxious. The table below lists some
examples of descriptions, evaluations and rules that are associated with anxiety. Add your own
descriptions and evaluations about anxiety if you don’t see them here. Then, list descriptions and
evaluations that show up for you when you feel angry and sad.

When you write down your evaluations, it might be helpful to ask yourself - what does it say
about you as a person? Any judgments? What does it mean when other people are anxious. When
you write down your rules, it might be helpful to ask - what can you / can’t you do when you
have this feeling?

Please turn over…

56
Emotion Descriptions Evaluations Rules
(physical properties)
Anxiety My stomach feels upset. I’m going to fail if I don’t get a I should avoid doing things
handle on this anxiety. that make me feel really
My shoulders are tense.
anxious.
Normal people don’t get this
My hands are shaking.
anxious. I must do things
My heart’s beating perfectly…then I won’t get
There’s something wrong with
faster. anxious.
me.
I’m having trouble Your examples below:
If I was really on top of things, I
breathing.
wouldn’t feel this anxious.
Your examples below:
Your examples below:

Anger

Sadness

Does everything you have written in the Description category relate directly to sensations that
you feel for that particular emotion? Do all the evaluations and rules refer to ideas that can’t be
directly touched or seen? Re-arrange them if necessary.

57
Notice the concrete, solid quality of all the statements in your Descriptions category. You can
directly perceive that your body feels this way when it feels this way. This is based on your own
experience. You don’t even have to think about whether or not other people would agree with
your descriptions. No one—including you—could argue for or against descriptions of what they
physically feel like at any moment in time. Descriptions are essentially ‘etched in stone’.
Now look at the thoughts you wrote down in the Evaluations and Rules category. Ask yourself:
Is this thought solid—can I actually see it our touch it? Is it as solid and tangible as the
descriptions I can identify when I feel anxious, angry, or sad? Can I grab onto “Normal people
don’t feel this way” in the same way I can grab onto a table leg or physically feel my heart
beating fast? When stacked up against descriptions, does this evaluation have a bit of a ‘fishy’
quality to it? Is this evaluation ‘etched in stone’ like your descriptions are? We’re not asking you
to believe anything here. What we are asking you to do is check in and see, at a gut level, if
evaluations just do not strike you as being as substantial as descriptions. As solid. As real.
Let’s end this exercise with a metaphor. Look at the following image. Notice what you see, and
imagine looking up at the sky and actually seeing these stars. Metaphorically, stars in the sky are
like descriptions. You can actually see them when you look in the sky—you could even feel their
heat if you could approach them closely enough.

Figure 2: Stars in the sky

Now look at the artist’s rendering of the Constellation Leo the Lion, below.

Figure 3: The constellation Leo. Our interpretation of the stars

58
 You may recall seeing these kinds of drawings of various constellations. Apparently, the people
who named constellations like Leo, Pisces (“the crab”), Taurus (“the bull”), and Scorpio (“the
scorpion”) actually saw these animals in the sky. Personally, we only see stars—and we imagine
that’s all you see as well. In a sense, seeing a set of stars and seeing a lion is like seeing a set of
descriptions and evaluations.

Our minds create stories out of our descriptions—and often, these stories re-shape our
experiences in some very scary and imposing ways. Imagine ‘labelling’ each of the stars from the
first figure with descriptions of what you feel like physically when you are anxious. Then,
imagine writing evaluations that show up for you when you are anxious over the lion in the
second figure. Our minds create lions out of our anxiety.

But is this lion as solid as the stars (the descriptions) that make it. Or is all that’s really there the
stars, with the rest just being talk—a fancy 3D drawing created by our minds?

We’re not trying to trick you here. Language is a very useful tool for
“You always feel you
are not a full woman. describing things, and even evaluations can be useful for things like
You have lost that part
of your body” keeping social order (e.g., “drink driving is bad”; “you should do unto
(Anonymous cancer
patient) others as you would have them do unto you”; etc.) or even noting more

effective ways of doing things (e.g., “it’s best to work hard if you want to get ahead”). But your

59
direct experience may have shown you as you read over the last few pages, that evaluations

really aren’t as solid as descriptions. Yet we react as if our evaluations are solid. Especially when

we believe our own evaluations about how bad we are, how unbearable things are, how unfair

life is, and so on, it’s as if these evaluations do change the fundamental nature of who we are and

how life is. Again, you don’t need to believe any of this at this point. Just notice your experience

of the solidness of descriptions, and the somewhat fog-like quality of evaluations. Are

evaluations as solid, as etched in stone as descriptions?

Figure 4: When evaluations and rules are literally believed, they can act as prison
bars.

Defusion involves learning to see language (particularly evaluations and related rules), as it

really is. As the pictures above and below this paragraph suggest, part of the process of stepping

out of the struggle with our own thoughts and feelings—of willingly experiencing our

psychological pain in service of moving toward what’s most important to us—involves seeing

60
the ‘prison bars of language’ for what they really are (streams of thoughts, fleeting sensations),

not what they say they are (iron barriers).

From a human point of view, such rules and evaluations often seem as solid and confining

as the bars they appear to be written on. However, from the view of a nonverbal creature, the

evaluations and rules are meaningless sounds, not actual physical barriers. Defusion strategies

(like the exercise you just went through) attempt to create a perspective where people experience

these ‘prison bars’ in a way significantly closer to how the dog in Figure 5 experiences them. In

other words, defusion strategies highlight language’s unique ability to create prisons that aren’t

as solid as we think they are.

Figure 5: Here is how a nonverbal creature views your prison.

Let’s take this one step further. Getting cancer is unfair. Have you ever had that thought? “I

have cancer” is a description, a description that there’s no way around. You know you have

cancer because you may physically feel it or its side effects, may have seen it on a scan or can

see a protruding lump. And many people with cancer note how unfair it is to have contracted it,

for various reasons. Is it accurate for us to say that the cancer is there, and the evaluation “this is

61
unfair” is something that is added on top of the cancer? Is it accurate to say that “this is unfair”

is indeed an evaluation? Your mind may well disagree with this possibility, as the “unfairness”

of getting cancer is an extremely persuasive and logical thought. We are not trying to argue that

“unfair” is true or false; we are just noticing that this is an evaluation, not a description. Can you

touch or see “unfairness” in the same way you can see or touch a solid table—in the same way

that you may be able to actually see or touch your cancer?

We understand clearly that this is not a game, that this may well be an issue that you

struggle with greatly. And that’s precisely why we’re focusing on this issue now. Cancer will be

there whether or not “fairness” or “unfairness” is an issue. And is “fairness” or “unfairness” a

solid entity, descriptions that you can directly see or touch? What might happen if you repeated

the word “unfair”, or any other words you are distressed by, just as you did with the word

“milk”? If thoughts of fairness, or any other distressing thoughts come up for you about your

cancer or any aspect of your life that you struggle with, we encourage you to try this, and see

what happens.

Our minds are always throwing words at us. Always evaluating, “good”, “bad”,

“disgusting”, “hopeless,” “fair”, “unfair”, “shouldn’t”, “must”, “have to”, “can’t” (some of these

words are used in a descriptive—and thus much more reliable--sense like “I can’t walk on

water”, “I have to breathe in order to survive”). When those words show up, they seem so

powerful and real. But what’s your experience, after the last several pages of exercises,

regarding how solid and real those words are? What if things are always like that, even when

your mind is convincing you otherwise?

Now, the purpose of this is not to disprove the evaluations. It is not to make them go away.

The goal is to help you notice the evaluations, how they seem to create a reality, and how fishy

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and ‘foggy’ they can be when you really back up and take a close look at them. Once you notice

a thought that you are struggling with, notice which of your thoughts are descriptions and which

are evaluations. Then you can decide whether you choose to buy the evaluation, or choose to

simply have it.

_____________________________________________________________________________

Mindfulness

Another defusion strategy is ‘mindfulness’. Mindfulness refers to a willing moment-to-

moment awareness of your experience, particularly a focused awareness of what you notice with

your senses—what you physically feel and touch, what you see, what you hear, what you taste,

and what you smell. Becoming mindful of your present experience is often a good way to

unhook from your mind, by touching the more solid aspects of your experience through your

senses. The thoughts that claim they are facts can sometimes be uncovered just as the thoughts

they are when you notice the contrast between how real your sensory experiences are, and how

fishy your evaluations are.

When hooked by your mind, try spending several moments (or several minutes) focusing

on what you notice with your senses as you are actually sensing. At times, you may have many

things show up for you all at once. When thoughts or other distractions take your attention away

from this mindfulness, gently notice and become aware of these distractions for a moment.

Observe evaluations as they show up, notice them as thoughts and allow them to be there, and

then gently focus your attention back on your direct perception of what you are sensing in the

moment.

Remember, as with all of these techniques and exercises, the goal is not to get rid of what is

bothering you, not to get rid of the pain that is there. The goal is to unhook from the drama your

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mind is trying to convince you of, focus on your experience of what is actually there, and live

your values.

Mindfulness means paying attention in a

particular way:
on purpose,
in the present moment,
and nonjudgmentally
-Jon-Kabat-Zinn

Exercise: Mindful eating [1]

For this exercise you will need to either use a sultana / raisin, or a small piece of chocolate---
Maltesers work best.

When we eat sultanas or chocolate for that matter, we tend to pop them in our mouths, take one
or two chews, and then swallow it down, without giving it much thought. You might be surprised
how different your experience of eating a sultana or chocolate will be when you eat mindfully.
To demonstrate mindful eating, we’ll use sultanas, but you can also use the same instructions for
maltesers.

First, take the sultana and eat it the way you would normally eat it. Now, get another sultana. Put
it down in front of you, on the table or plate, and look at it. Really look at it. Notice the texture of
it. Notice the wrinkles of the sultana (or smoothness of the malteser). Take out another sultana
and put that next to the first, and look at them both. Are they identical? It’s likely that no two
sultanas (maltesers) are identical. Are they the same size? Think about their size in relation to
one another.

Now pick up one of the sultanas and roll it around between your fingers. Feel the texture of it.
Feel the stickiness of it as you roll it around in your fingers. Now, place the sultana in your
mouth. Roll it around in your mouth with your tongue. Move the sultana over and under your
tongue. Place the sultana in different spots between your jaw and your cheek. Don’t chew it for
the next 20 seconds. Then, eat the sultana and notice what happens. Note the way it tastes. Note
how it feels on your teeth. Notice how it feels when you swallow it.

Now eat the second sultana – very slowly. Chew it as many times as you can. Is the flavour
different when it’s eaten this way than the last time? In what way is it different? How does it feel
on your teeth? How does it feel when you swallow it? What’s different when you eat the sultana
mindfully rather than just popping it into your mouth and swallowing it down. Write down your
experience below.

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______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

You might like to try this exercise when you’re sitting down to a meal. Use the same techniques
and much of the same attitude as you did in the above exercise, only continue this through the
entire meal. While you eat your meal, you might notice different thoughts or feelings coming up
while you are eating. Just note those too.

Eating mindfully can be a great way of practicing staying in the present moment. It can also be a
great way to help you notice how solid direct experiences like eating are as compared to how
fishy being carried away on a train of thought can be. When you are eating mindfully, your whole
body physically ‘knows’ that you are eating. In the moment, you directly feel your teeth grinding,
directly feel the texture of the food you are eating, directly taste it, and so on. Does this
experience feel more solid, more real, more grounded, than those moments when you are
absorbed in your thoughts, thinking about the past, the future, and anything other than what is
physically happening right now? If so, we’re not asking you to stop thinking. Your mind will
keep throwing thoughts at you on its own terms, regardless of what you want. But if mindfulness
experiences like this one help you notice how ‘airy’ thoughts can be compared to direct
experiences, then we’d like you to notice that. Do you have to buy into thoughts that you can’t
touch, can’t taste, can’t directly see in the way you can see a sultana or any other solid object?

Have you ever seen one of those old movies or cartoons where a person is lost in the desert, and
they see a ‘mirage’ of an ‘oasis’ (that is, they actually think they a lush patch of palm trees with a
pool of clear water in the middle of it)? Yet when they go to jump into ‘the pool’, the whole thing
disappears and they find themselves ‘eating sand’. Their minds tricked them into thinking there
was something there that really wasn’t there. What if thoughts are kind of like that? Our minds
talk us into thinking that those evaluations we have really are solid, really are carved in stone.
But when it comes right down to it, we can’t grab onto them like we can a sultana…or a chair…
or a glass of real milk. We can’t dive into them like we can with a real pool of water sitting in the
middle of a real oasis.

Exercise: Mindfulness of the breath

Find a quiet place where you won’t be interrupted. Set aside some time in the day to do this
exercise. Read through the instructions so that you become familiar with the exercise. During the
exercise, if you forget what you are supposed to do, that’s fine. Spend some time just noticing

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your breathing and the next time you do the exercise, read through the instructions and try again.
Mindfulness is a skill, so practice is important.

Please get comfortable in your chair and close your eyes. Now, follow the sensation of your
breath as it flows in through the nostrils and fills the chest and abdomen. Try maintaining
attention on the diaphragm or at the nostrils. Just notice your breath as it enters and exits your
body.

If you notice yourself being distracted from the breath, that is okay. There is no wrong way to do
this exercise. Just gently bring yourself back to the breath every time you notice your attention
has veered away from it. Each time your mind wanders practice patiently bringing it back to the
breath.

1. Breathe in. Count each inhalation, 1, 2, 3…until you get to 10. Then start at 1 again.

2. Just notice any thoughts, feelings or sensations as they show up. Acknowledge their
presence…let them be there and gently bring yourself back to counting your breath.

3. If you notice that you’ve stopped counting, or have been distracted, gently bring yourself
back to your breath, as many times as it takes.

While doing those exercises, it’s easy to notice how busy our minds really can be. This is

why Mindfulness can be difficult at times because we are so regularly ‘hooked’ by our thoughts

and evaluations. It is very helpful to practice Mindfulness each day, as it can help consistently

remind you that your direct experience, in the moment, can be something very different from

what your mind says it is. You might want to practice being mindful while doing those day-to-

day activities that we so often go about doing mindlessly (for example, brushing your teeth,

making a cup of tea, having a shower, driving your car, doing your grocery shopping).

Lastly, there’s no right way to be mindful, and ‘mindfulness is not the ‘right’ way to live

any more than anything else is’ [1].

There are some more defusion strategies that others have found helpful below. If you notice

your mind saying things like “this is silly” or “this won’t work”, thank it for giving you that

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thought. Minds are good at questioning and doubting, minds are sometimes not our friends.

These exercises have helped many people ‘unhook’ from their thoughts and notice them for what

they really are. Regardless of what your mind thinks, they may well help you do this as well.

“Having” thoughts rather than “being” thoughts

Very often, our minds give us evaluations and reasons why we must do this or that. As you know,
when we believe these evaluations and reasons, it can make it harder for us to stay in the moment
and live what we value. When you notice your mind giving evaluations and reasons that cause
trouble for you, reminding yourself that you are having the thoughts (rather than the thoughts
having you!) can be helpful. When you notice that your mind is giving you a troublesome
evaluation or a reason, label it like this:

Having the thought that…

(For example): I made an unforgivable mistake.
This is too hard for me to do.
I’m an idiot.
I’m too mad, frustrated, or tired to do this.
He’s a complete jerk.
This is too intense for me.
This is unfair.
This is not right.
It’s my fault
With practice, patience, and gentle forgiveness of yourself, you can become more skilful at
noticing these things. And remember, the goal of not believing your mind is not to feel better, but
to be more effective at accepting your experience, choosing a direction, and taking action.
Finally, you may find that labelling your thoughts like this seems awkward. That is why we use
these labels: to de-rail your mind, you need to do something other than business as usual.

Say it slow

Troublesome thoughts can be easy to believe even when you label them. Sometimes, more
extreme measures are required to reveal thoughts for what they are. When you find yourself
stuck on a very troublesome evaluation or reason, try saying it very, very slowly to yourself. You
may find that saying one syllable per breath is about the right speed.

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For example, if you’re stuck on the thought, “I’m a terrible person”, stretch out and say the word
“I’m” to yourself on the in-breath, “a” on the outbreath, “bad” on the next inbreath, “per—“ on
the next outbreath, and “—son” on the last inbreath. Then, as always, focus back on your direct
experience. If you still find yourself unwilling to experience what is there, say the thought slowly
to yourself again, and/or label it again.

Have a go practicing this exercise with a problematic thought of your own. Perhaps you would
like to choose to use one of the thoughts that you have written previously, or you can use a
different thought. Write it down in the space below:
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

Just like in the example above, say the thought slowly. You might like to note where each
syllable is on the thought you have written above – perhaps get a different coloured pen and
place a stroke (/) like this at each point. Now try saying the thought slowly again. What do you
notice? Does it sound different? How do you feel when you say it this way?
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
Another variation is to say the troublesome thought over and over, like you did in the milk, milk,
milk exercise, in an effort to un-hook from the thought. This works best when you can say it out
loud, rather than saying it to yourself.

Write it down

It can be helpful to write down troublesome thoughts on a piece of paper, whether you write the
thought down once, or over and over, and then willingly look at it and hold it. Hold the paper in
your hand and look at the thought while you willingly experience your feelings. Evaluations and
reasons will never be more real than when they are written down—that’s the time when you can
come closest to actually “touching” them. Yet, they are just marks and scratches on a piece of
paper!

Writing them down can help you notice the fishy, illusory quality of evaluations and reasons,
especially if you are willing to fully feel the experiences they claim to describe and then choose
to live your values. You can even fold the paper up and put it in your pocket, willingly “carrying
your thoughts and experiences with you” as you go about living your values.

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If you are willing, you can do this right now. Grab a piece of paper – perhaps an index card, a
post-it note, or a small piece of paper. Write down a problematic or distressing thought that
shows up often. Perhaps you wrote about it in the previous exercise. Write the thought down onto
this piece of paper. If you want you can write the thought over and over till it covers the piece of
paper.

Now, look at the thought – really look at it while you are holding it in your hand. What feelings
show up? Willingly have the emotions that arise as you read the thought written on the paper.
Place the paper in your pocket and carry it around with you today – or place it in your handbag.
Throughout the day, willingly look at the piece of paper and notice what shows up for you. Carry
the piece of paper and engage in behaviours or activities that are meaningful to you. What do you
notice? Can you still have this thought, carry it around, engage with it and still do what’s
important to you?

Metaphor: Passengers on the bus [1]

Suppose there is a bus and you’re the driver. You can choose any valued direction that you
want to go. On this bus we’ve got some passengers. The passengers are thoughts, evaluations,
feelings, physical sensations, memories and other aspects of your experience. Some of them are
scary and awful. They even look mean as they’re dressed in black leather jackets and carry
knives with them. What happens is that as you’re driving along, the passengers start threatening
you, telling you what you have to do, where you have to go. They decide that they can make the
rules. “You have to turn left,” “You have to turn right” and other directions. The threat they have
over you is that if you don’t do what they say, they’re going to come up to the front of the bus –
where you are.

Make a list of the passengers on your bus, that is, the distressing thoughts, feelings etc:
________________________ _________________________
________________________ _________________________
________________________ _________________________
________________________ _________________________

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________________________ _________________________
________________________ _________________________
________________________ _________________________
________________________ _________________________

You don’t want these passengers to come up to the front, so you’ve made deals with them,
“You sit in the back of the bus and sit down low so that I can’t see you and I’ll do whatever you
want”. What if one day you get tired of that? You say to the passengers, “I don’t like this! I’m
going to throw those people off the bus!” So, you stop the bus and you get out of your seat and
walk to the back of the bus, where the ‘mean-looking’ passengers are. But you notice that the
very first thing you had to do was stop. Now, you’re not driving anywhere! You’re just dealing
with these passengers. And they’re very strong. They don’t plan to leave, and you wrestle with
them. But this doesn’t work.
So, you go back to doing what you were doing. You try to get them to sit down low in the
back seat, where you can’t see them. The problem is that you keep having to make deals with
them in order to get them out of your life. Pretty soon, they don’t even have to say, “Turn left” –
you know this is what they want and they’ll start to speak up. In time you might even get really
good at pretending that they’re not on the bus. You just tell yourself that left if really the
direction that you want to go. However, when they do eventually show up, it’s with the added
deals that you’ve made with them in the past.
The trick about the whole thing is that the power these passengers have over you is based
on this: “If you don’t do what we say, we’re coming up to the front and we’re going to make you
look at us”. That’s all. It’s true that if they come up the front it is as if they could do some
damage. After all, they look mean. The deal that you make is to do what they say so they won’t
come up and make you look at them.
The driver (you) has control of the bus, but you trade off the control in secret deals with the
passengers. In other words, by trying to get control over these passengers, you’ve actually given
up control of the direction your life takes! Notice how even though your passengers say that they
can destroy you if you don’t do as they say, it has never actually happened.
What are you going to do? Are you going to choose to drive in your valued direction, or
will you steer off course because of the passengers? Notice that if you follow the passenger’s

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directions then you move away from living the life that is vital and important to you. There is a
significant cost. Is it possible to notice these passengers and choose which direction you want to
go?
Turning up our willingness scale and unhooking from troublesome thoughts can mean the
difference between struggling with the passengers or staying out of the struggle, particularly
when our experience tells us that to struggle is pointless and not vital.

It’s our nature, as human beings, to feel pain. It’s also a given that you feel distressed—

even overwhelmingly distressed-- about having cancer. Who wouldn’t? But, given the

experiences you’ve had with defusion in the workshop, and in this workbook, does it seem

possible that the evaluations your mind makes about your experience thoughts, in and of

themselves, might just be words? And that your feelings, in and of themselves, aren’t toxic or

poisonous—that they could possibly we willingly experienced in the course of living a valued

life? What might happen if you stopped trying to struggle with or control your thoughts and

feelings and were completely willing to face these words as words and your feelings as feelings

in the process of moving toward the things that are most important in your life?

Audio exercise: Track 3 - Mindfulness: Passengers on the boat

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MODULE 3 - You are more than your pain; You are
more than your suffering; You are more than your
cancer

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 This chapter involves looking at the kinds of thoughts that tend to trap us most. We’re

talking about our self-evaluations and self-conceptualisations, in other words, the kinds of

thoughts we have about ourselves---our perception of ourselves. You might remember that

‘fusion’ refers to getting ‘hooked’ by our thoughts –‘buying into’ our thoughts—believing our

thoughts. When we are fused with our thoughts we take them as being capital-T Truths that

perfectly capture the rich colour fabric of our experience-- rather than just black and white

strings of letters our minds throw out at us.

Often, we get so caught up in our thoughts and feelings—especially the ones that come

around a lot—that we think they define us. We all tend to have certain stock ways that we tend to

describe who we are as people. At one time or another, you might describe yourself as a good

person, a bad person, an anxious person, a sad person, a victim, a balanced person, and so on.

“I feel my whole life is Lately, you may have even wondered if cancer in some way defines who
focused on cancer at the
moment, and you see you are as a person. Or, lately, you may even be confused about who you
everyone and they ask you
‘how are you going?’… really are as a person, given the intense shake-up you may have
I’m just a cancer specimen
walking around…and experienced since your cancer was diagnosed. But do these thoughts,
that’s sort of my whole life
at the moment…” these feelings, this confusion, this cancer, define who YOU are? We are
(Anonymous cancer
patient)
going to explore the possibility that you are more than your thoughts,

evaluations, and feelings and begin to get in contact with your “observer self”.

Getting in contact with the ‘observer self’ is a matter of experience. This is why we are

providing you with several metaphors and exercises that you can do to get the opportunity to

experience this ‘sense of self’. As you work through these exercises use the principles of

mindfulness that we’ve covered in the previous module. Be non-judgmental towards what you

notice, whether they are thoughts, feelings or physical sensations etc. If you lose yourself in a

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thought, gently come back to the exercise. Accept and notice whatever shows up while you are

doing the exercise. Lastly, but probably the most important part, practice these techniques as

often as you can.

Exercise: Body scan [1]

The first exercise involves observing your bodily sensations, which is one part of your
experience. Below, you’ll find a figure of a human body. On the left of this picture you’ll find a
list of words that describe a variety of sensations that you may experience in your body. To do
this exercise, take a few minutes to centre yourself again. Then start to notice the different
sensations that come up in your body. You might notice pain in your lower back from having to
sit down for so long, or maybe you notice that your neck is sore from sleeping in an
uncomfortable position. Whatever it is, notice how your body feels.

As the feelings come up, using one finger, point to the word that most accurately describes your
feelings. With your other hand, use a finger to point to the place in the body where the sensation
is coming from. For example, if you notice that your neck is sore, point to the word sore with
your left finger, and with your right finger point to the area of the neck in the figure on the page.
Take 5 minutes to do this exercise, quietly noticing what physical sensations show up.

This exercise might seem awkward to do at first, especially since you have to look for the words.
If a word is missing that describes your experience of the physical sensation, write it below the
list of words that are already there. As you do this exercise more often, the exercise will flow
more easily and you will be able to spend more time observing, while allowing your fingers to do
the “describing”. Once you’ve finished the exercise, spend the next few minutes writing about
what you experienced.

______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

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 While you were doing the previous exercise, did you notice that while you were tracking

your physical sensations, that they probably had an evaluation attached to them? Your mind

automatically evaluates emotions, thoughts, and bodily sensations as they come up [1]. For

example, if you had a comfortable or relaxing sensation, you might have had the thought “good”.

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If you experienced an uncomfortable or painful sensation, you might have had the thought “bad”,

or something equivalent.

When we fuse with these distressing evaluations, we can get locked in a battle to get rid of

them and the other experiences they refer to. We become hooked --- and being hooked means

that we evaluate our experiences, and things going on around us, from that thought. For example,

if I get hooked by the evaluation “I’m anxious and I’m out of control”, I might start to perceive

that everything around me is ‘out of control’ and that I need to regain control of everything and

feel less anxious. I will probably start to behave in a way that reflects my evaluation, such as

trying to do too many things at once---but in the end I don’t even do that properly because I’m so

rushed. There’s that dirty discomfort again!

In other words, when we buy into a thought, it’s like viewing the world through a pair of

red-coloured sunglasses. The world’s not really red, yet it really appears so if we don’t notice

that our experience of it is being filtered through our red sunglasses—through our thoughts. For

example, if you firmly believe that all people are untrustworthy, that’s what you will see. Even

things that others do that could easily convey trustworthiness will be filtered differently by your

‘sunglasses’. Under normal conditions, we don’t even realise we’re wearing these coloured

sunglasses when we buy into a thought. But if you make the effort to notice what these

troublesome thoughts are (by using some of the defusion exercises discussed here and in the last

chapter), it allows us to pull our sunglasses away from our eyes for at least a moment and see

how they are filtering and changing our experience. The ultimate goal here, from a willingness

perspective, is not to get rid of the thought or the associated distress. Rather, it’s to notice your

thoughts as thoughts, not facts, in service of helping you be more willing to experience any and

all distress that comes up in the process of living your life the way you really want to live it.

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 The following metaphor describes this sense of being locked in a battle against your own

thoughts and feelings.

Metaphor: The chess board [2]

It can feel like we’re at war with our distressing thoughts and feelings. We typically don’t
want them there when they show up, and our very lives may feel threatened by their presence.
Often, to combat them, we may try to gather pleasant or reassuring thoughts—try to conjure up
arguments against our perceived inadequacies, explanations to drive out these tough thoughts and
feelings.

Metaphorically, it’s like a chess game. We identify with the white pieces (or the black
pieces, depending on your perspective)—all the “good” thoughts and feelings we have or want to
have-- and rally them to war against the black pieces—all the distressing thoughts and feelings
that we have. We try bravely to knock the ‘enemy’ pieces off the board, and at times it appears as
if we can. But the black pieces keep coming back. In the end, we become aware that we can’t get

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rid of the black pieces, especially the big, tough looking ones. At times (sometimes for a long
time) they may be hidden from view—but ultimately, they come back. And at those really tough
times, it becomes painfully obvious that we’re losing the battle against our distressing thoughts
and feelings—and it feels like they may destroy us. In the mean time, we’re locked into this
battle, and our lives are passing us by.

We typically like to identify most with the ‘white’ pieces—the “good” feelings and
thoughts. At our darker times, of course, we identify with the black pieces, and this is a very
painful experience. Either way, however, there’s a constant threat. If the black pieces take over,
we may fear that we’ll be overwhelmed, harmed, perhaps even destroyed. If we can’t keep
enough of the white pieces up, we risk a very frightening defeat. But notice that the black and
white chesspieces aren’t the only things present here—there’s also a chess board. Regardless of
whether the white or black pieces are ‘winning the battle’ at any given time, the board remains
physically unharmed. Regardless of whether the white or black pieces win, the board is still
there, unchanged, as perfectly made as it originally was.

What if you are the board? Regardless of how these thoughts and feelings battle against
each other and slide back and forth on the surface, you are still there, unchanged. From this
perspective, you don’t need to invest yourself in which side ‘wins the battle’ because the next
day (or even the next moment), you will still be there, the same as you were before. What these
pieces do from moment to moment, from day to day, doesn’t matter, because the outcome of this
above-board battle can’t change the part of you that observes it. There is an important difference
between you and the board. While the board is resigned to sit there and hold the pieces, you have
the option of carrying those pieces (whatever they may be) with you as you move toward what’s
most important to you in your life.

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The Observer Self [2]

This next exercise will help you get in touch with your ‘observer self’. The ‘observer self’

can be likened to the chess board. The board holds all the pieces. It acts like a container that

holds things. What would it mean to you if you aren’t defined by all your thoughts and feelings,

but instead, are a ‘conscious container’ for all your private experiences? This exercise involves

becoming aware of when you are drifting into your evaluations, even the hidden ones that we so

often miss because of how busy our mind can be. Using mindfulness techniques, see if you can

contact your observer self for a moment---the chess board that notices all the pieces without

engaging in the battle---the part of you that notices thoughts, feelings etc., without having to pick

a team that will win.

Exercise: Defusing from hidden evaluations [1]

Generally, our evaluations occur along a number of dimensions: Good – bad, and strong – weak.
Look at the box below. You’ll see that these four words are in different areas surrounding the
box. The box represents a grid where you can physically take note of where the nature of your
evaluations lie, that is, how good – bad it is and how strong – weak it is.

As you do this exercise, sit quietly and become mindful of what shows up in the present moment.
As you notice thoughts, feelings, physical sensations etc, also notice whether you are evaluating
these experiences. If you are, note the type of evaluation you are making by placing your finger
wherever your mind went, and see if you can let go of any attachment you have to that
evaluation.

For example, say you have the thought “I’m sad”. You might have simply noticed this feeling
nonjudgmentally and if so, that’s fine. Keep on observing what shows up. However, you might
have noticed an evaluation creeping up in the background, that you were buying into the idea
that this feeling is bad or too strong. If you noticed this, place your finger in the upper right
section of the box. Now, see if you can let go of this judgment. If you defuse from this
evaluation, you will find that you can move your finger down to the bottom-middle part of the
box. In other words, the evaluation is now weak, and neither good or bad. Then move it out of
the box altogether.

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Now you are ready to start. Take a few minutes to simply watch your own experience. When you
detect evaluations showing up---making judgments about your experience---then place your
finger in the box below. Use the box to get a description of what is happening. As you are able to
let go of this judgment (unhook), move your finger to the space that represents what you are
noticing. See if you can gently stay in the exercise for longer periods of time without having to
buy into any evaluations that may show up.

Good Bad
Strong

Weak

Take a few minutes to write about your experience. What happened for you? Did you notice your
finger move around as your mind moved from one evaluation to the next? Were you able to
notice the hidden evaluations, that we so often miss? Were you able to let go of any judgments?

______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

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 You might have started to experience what it’s like to be in contact with your ‘observer

self’. You may have begun to notice thoughts, evaluations, feelings, physical sensations etc.,

without judging them, or trying to change them. Instead, you might have found yourself

accepting them for what they are…our experience, that changes from moment to moment. The

‘observer self’ is not really a thing, it’s something that you notice indirectly [1]. It’s from the

observer self where it is fully possible to be accepting, to be present in the moment, to be able to

defuse and to really get a sense of our values.

The ‘observer self’ has also been likened to the sky. The self is ".... like a vast, clear sky.

All our feelings, thoughts, and sensations are like the weather that passes through, without

affecting the nature of the sky itself. The clouds, winds, snow, and rainbows come and go, but the

sky is always simply itself, as it were, a "container" for these passing phenomena.[10]" Take a

moment to look at the image on the title page for this chapter (page 73). What if you are the sky

and the evaluations and feelings you have are like the clouds, the wind etc.?

‘You are not your programming’

Audio exercise: Track 4 - The observer self: You are not your programming

Think of yourself as a computer, and your thoughts as computer programs. As you are the
computer, it’s safe to say that the computer programs are always running, in other words, they
are always on. As you live your life, your programs are activated and what we tend to notice is
the programming, that is, our own thoughts, which tend to reflect the computer programs that we
have.

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 Notice that the computer was already there before any programs were added. The programs
themselves aren't any reflection on the value or the worth of the computer. The programs are
actually something distinct from the computer itself -- they are not the computer. So let's say you
are running the program Microsoft Word on your computer. All you can see on the screen when
you look at it is Microsoft Word. Now, does Microsoft Word define the computer? Is Microsoft
Word really what the computer is? Or is Microsoft Word simply something that the computer
has?
Now there are a lot of programs on your computer, and each of them do very different
things. These programs were all put on the computer after the computer was built. People came
along and programmed these programs in the computer.
Thoughts actually work very much the same way. Who we are exists long before people
come along and start programming thoughts into us. We're whole, complete, essentially
evaluation free before the programmers in our lives -- our parents or teachers, our friends, our
spouses, our children, and all our other experiences -- start programming thoughts into us. Each
person has different programming. The programming we have might consist of simple ‘rules’ and
ways of doing things in day-to day life, as well as attitudes and morals, ways to act in social
situations and how to treat others. Your programming might also consist of rules or ideas about
how to control your emotions. Take a moment to look back at the control strategies you wrote
about earlier. Where did they come from?
Think about some difficult experiences you have had, or are even having now. As you are
thinking about these experiences, can you notice the thoughts that are showing up for you? Your
programming has been activated and all this stuff is showing up for you. Is this program
familiar? Does this program come up over and over again? It might be one of those programs
that we don’t like. It seems that when the conditions are right, these programs just show up…and
each time we find ourselves distressed, the same program comes up, though now, along with this
program comes a reminder of how often it has shown up before that.
The programs that tend to run over and over and over are those programs that we don't like
at all. And you know what they are! They differ for all of us, but they usually centre around
thoughts like "there is something wrong with me", "I don't have enough of what it takes"
(regardless of what “it” is), “I can’t handle this”, “I am weak”, “Nobody cares”. And these

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different programs, these thoughts, are running constantly, so it's very easy for us to forget that
we are someone behind those thoughts.
Sometimes, because our programming is constantly running, it’s easy to start to mistake
ourselves for these programs. It's like if all you ever use your computer for was to run Microsoft
Word, a naive observer would think that's all a computer is, that's all it does. But the computer
isn't Microsoft Word -- Microsoft Word is simply one of many programs that runs across its
screen. And Microsoft Word has no bearing on the integrity and the reality of what the computer
is.
We can’t go back and rewrite our programming. When we notice we become attached to
our programming, we can become consumed by what it’s saying to us, and consumed by what’s
happened in the past. Our history, like our thoughts (programming) and feelings, is a domain that
calls for acceptance and not control. We are not suggesting that you have to like your
programming or put up with it, but instead choose to accept the thoughts and then do something
that is more effective for you…more in line with your values.
Notice the figures below. Imagine you have a program that puts up this kind of content in
your mind, “There’s something wrong with you.” The problem is not that we have the
programming. It is that we tend to fuse with, and believe the content the program puts up on the
screen.
This content is historical. It is the result of something that has happened to us in our past.
This content, like all content, may be useful in some ways and not in others. Programs produce
content on the “screen”, inside your head. The content may be difficult emotions, thoughts, or
memories. We can’t control what content gets thrown up on the screen. However, we can learn to
notice the content, as it shows up. Like the person in the right of the picture, we can learn to
defuse from the content. We learn to see it, stay in contact with it, but not believe it.

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 Exercise: That’s Not ‘You’ [1]

This is a meditation exercise so find a place where you will be free from distractions. The
instructions are pretty simple, so you might be able to memorise them and then not have to refer
back to this book. However, if you can’t remember the instructions of the exercise, that’s okay –
take a look at the book and then close your eyes again and get back into the exercise.

Grab a chair and a cup. Take a seat on the chair, and place the cup beside you. Take a few deep
breaths and then start by looking at a spot on the wall while breathing deeply and regularly. Keep
looking at this spot for at least 10 to 15 seconds. What do you see…Who’s seeing the wall now?
Can you notice a separation between you and the things that you are looking at? Are you and the
wall the same thing? Does the wall define who you are? At some point you might notice that you
are looking at the wall, and thus at an experiential level, you are not the wall. If your mind begins
chattering to you about how truthful or false this belief is, just thank your mind for the thought,
and notice that the person observing even that thought is not really the actual thought, and then
focus your attention back to the wall. Don’t try to figure this exercise out, or rush through this
exercise. This isn’t a verbal exercise; it’s an experiential one.

Take a moment to notice any sounds that you can hear. What do you hear? Ask yourself, who’s
hearing these things now? Can you notice a distinction between you and the things that you are
hearing right now? Are the things that you hear and you the same thing? Do the things you’re
hearing right now define who you are? It must be then, that these things you’re hearing aren’t
you.

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Now pick up the cup that you placed beside you. What do you see? Who’s holding onto this cup
right now? Can you notice a separation between you and the cup you’re holding? Who’s seeing
the cup? Are you and the cup the same thing? Does the cup you’re holding right now define who
you are? So, can you notice that this cup you’re holding now isn’t you? Look at this cup until
you get a sense, or you experience a distinction between you, the observer, and what you are
conscious of.

Take a moment to notice what you’re feeling right now. How is that emotion taking shape in
your body—where in your body do you feel it? Who’s noticing those sensations, that feeling
right now? Can you notice a distinction between those sensations you notice and the part of you
that’s doing the noticing? Do those sensations, that feeling define who you are? So, those
sensations you’re noticing right now don’t define you? They’re not ‘you’, but rather something
that ‘you notice’, something that you have?

Now, turn your attention to your thoughts. What are you thinking right now? Who was just
thinking those things? Can you notice a separation between those thoughts and the part of you
that’s noticing them? Do those thoughts define who you are? Are those thoughts ‘you’, or
something that ‘you’ notice?

So, notice that the one constant across all those things you were noticing was ‘you’—the person
doing the noticing. Is that accurate? What if that’s who ‘you’ really are—regardless of all the
different things you see, hear, feel, think, at a gut level, does it feel accurate that ‘you’ are the one
constant behind all that—‘you’ are the one who does all that noticing?

Notice that the one constant across all those things you were noticing was ‘you’—the

person doing the noticing. Is that accurate? What if that’s who you really are? Regardless of all

the different things you see, hear, feel, think, at a gut level, does it feel accurate that you are the

one constant behind all that—YOU are the one who does all that noticing? Doesn’t it strike you

that, by default, that YOU are the one who will notice all the thoughts, feelings, sensations,

sights, and sounds that show up for you in the future, regardless of what all these things turn out

to be?

From this perspective, it appears that what you feel, think, see, and hear in the future will

not change the fact that you will be there to notice all of these things. No matter what comes up,

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you will be there to notice it, and you will not be changed by what is noticed. The next moment,

it will still be the same you that notices what unfolds.

One of the scariest things about cancer, of course, is that it makes you realise that one day,

you won’t be there to notice anything (at least we think that—no one really knows what happens

when we die). And right now, if you feel fear or sadness about the fact that you’ll die some day,

notice that you are the one noticing that fear or sadness. You will be there until the end (maybe

after), noticing all the thoughts and feelings, pleasant and unpleasant, that come up. Those

thoughts and feelings can’t take you away, and can’t change the you that notices them.

Again, this isn’t a game or a trick. Whenever you catch yourself noticing evaluations,

feelings, sensations, sights, sounds and tastes, notice the familiarity, the constancy of that

observer you. By its very nature, that you is always exactly the same, because any thought,

feeling that comes up when you’re questioning if that you is really you is, by definition, one

more thing that you can notice, that you can observe. It’s always been there, whether you’ve

noticed it in the past or not—you’ve always been there, watching things unfold in front of you.

The critical question to ask yourself is, what direction do you want your life to take now? What

can you do with your friends, your family, your work, your spirituality, your community—

whatever is most important to you—that will give the rest of your life meaning, purpose, and

vitality? And are you willing to experience the tough feelings and thoughts that show up in the

course of pursuing these things, as they are, and not as your mind says they are?

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MODULE 4 - Moving toward a vital, meaningful
life---with your pain.

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 By now, it’s probably clear to you that this whole thing is about giving up the struggle

against your distressing private experiences, noticing your distressing thoughts for what they

really are, and moving toward what is meaningful in your life

“I think having cancer made me
—with your tough feelings and thoughts along for the ride. stop and have a look at the
Your mind may be wondering how realistic this is. One way to whole, my surroundings, the
way I lived, and everything like
look at this is by examining how well your efforts to ‘get rid that, and what I really wanted
of’ or ‘get over’ the thoughts and feelings you struggle with out of my life.”
(Anonymous cancer survivor)
have been working. Have you been able to ‘get on top’ of your

distress so that your life can move forward? Or, could it be possible that you can live your life

now, even with your distress there—as it is, not as your mind says it is.

If you’ve been unwilling to ‘jump into the deep end of the pool’ by trying these defusion

strategies and willingly experiencing the distress that shows up for you, the choice of whether or

not to jump may feel like betting on a horse race between two horses: one is dead, and one has

three legs. You may well be aware that struggling against your distress isn’t working, isn’t

helping you live a vital, meaningful, purposeful life. Dead horses don’t win races. But as scary as

willingly showing up to your pain may be, would you be willing to do it if it meant you could

live a vital, meaningful life? Three-legged horses can win races when the competition never

manages to get out of the starting gate.

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 Can I make my life EXTRAORDINARY?

Is possible Is not possible

Assume yes Winning quadrant No difference to how my
life is now

Assume no Cut off all possibilities for Win the satisfaction of

changing my life for the being right (although you
better never did try so how do
you know the outcome)

Here’s another way to look at this. Ask yourself, “Can I make my life extraordinary”, even

with cancer, even with psychological distress? Let’s look at the consequences of your possible

answers. If you say “No”, your life remains the same as it is now. Assuming that your life can’t

really change, you gain the satisfaction of being right. If your life can change, you lose.

If you say, “Yes—I can make my life extraordinary” if I choose to show up to my distress

when I encounter it on the way toward doing what gives my life meaning and vitality—one of

two things could happen. You could be wrong—willingly showing up to your distress (as it is

and not as your mind says it is) may make no difference in your life. Or, it could make all the

difference. Would you rather be right, or take the chance of living a more meaningful, more vital

life? The choice is fundamentally yours to make. There are no ‘right or wrong’ choices here.

What kind of life do you want to live right now, given the presence of your cancer and your

distress?

___________________________________________________________________________

What are values? [2]

You’re probably aware by now that by “values”, we aren’t referring to ways that others say

you “should” or “must” live your life. We’re talking about you getting clear about what makes

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you feel alive and vital—about what makes your life meaningful, important, purposeful. You can

think of your values as your compass. Once you’ve set your value driven course, this self-made

compass can consistently remind you which way you’ve chosen to travel in. Your values involve

ways of living life that give your life meaning, vitality, and purpose.

You never ‘reach’ your value once and for all. Rather, you have the choice during every

moment of your life to act in a way consistent with your value. For example, you might value

working toward close, caring, supportive relationships with a few very important people in your

life. You don’t just ‘get’ these relationships once and for all. Rather, you repeatedly have the

choice of acting in ways that build and maintain these relationships over the course of your life.

In effect, you use your values much as sailors might use the stars to navigate. You never reach

the stars—you just use those ‘fixed points’ to help guide you along your way.

Picture caption. You can think of values as the lighthouse in the distance. They give your life
direction, even through the storms.

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 Values cannot be cancelled or lost by failure to act consistently with them at any given

time. Thus, acting inconsistently with your value ‘being a loving parent’ on Tuesday does not

cancel out this value, nor does it prevent you from acting consistently with your parenting value

in the next moment.

Valuing is not a feeling; it is action. For example, imagine that you valued acting in a

loving, caring, supportive manner with someone in your life. Could you act in a caring,

supportive way toward this person even at a moment when you weren’t feeling love for that

person? Or, could you respond in a calm manner to your child even when you felt ‘frustrated as

hell’? Of course! It’s often not easy, but you can act in a manner consistent with your value even

when you ‘don’t feel like it’, ‘don’t think you can’, or even when you feel like doing the

opposite. Your mind may think that you have to feel a certain way and think a certain way in

order to do something, but likely, you can point to experiences in your life where you felt and

thought you couldn’t do something—and yet did it anyway.

Acting in a way that is consistent with your values is not limited by your feelings and

thoughts—you can put a value into play in virtually any moment that you choose to. As long as

you’ve clarified values that honestly give your life more vitality, meaning, and purpose on the

whole, you can put them into play even when they don’t immediately pay off. If you stick with

them, they will enrich your life.

Why is it important to identify your core values? Life throws all kinds of things at you, and

you could find yourself being pushed off your chosen path. Keeping track of your values helps

you to find your path again. Also, moment to moment opportunities to act in accordance with

your values give you a reminder—and a reason—to willingly show up to the distress that arises

as a result of pursuing those values. Connecting with others, for example, can be very scary,

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especially when it involves sharing fears, shortcomings, mistakes, and so on. The picture below

demonstrates how our distressing private experiences, such as our fears and evaluations, can

seem like they’re standing in the way and stopping us from pursuing our valued directions---in

this example, connecting with others.

Remaining caring and patient in the presence of those close to us—even under

frustrating, aggravating, or downright outrageous circumstances—involves ‘sitting with’ the

presence of considerable distress. Staying on a course in the midst of repeated setbacks can also

be extremely distressing. Pursuing personally held values is easy at some times, and very

distressing at others. Are we willing to carry this distress with us and still choose to pursue our

values, as we see in the picture below?

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 The issue is this: Do you feel more alive, more vital, when you are living your values—

when you are doing what is most meaningful to you? If the answer is yes, clarifying your values

and using defusion and willingness to help you move toward them can be very helpful steps.

Here’s a summary of what we’ve talked about (and more) so far:

 Values are those ways of living that give your life meaning and richness.

 Values are the sunrise over the horizon that you wish to walk toward—and the light of

those values warms and enriches your life as you walk. You never completely reach that

horizon, and no one can walk directly toward it all of the time. But the more you walk

toward it, the more enriched your life becomes.

 Values are what you choose to value. They are not what you are “supposed to” value, not

what you are “expected to” value, not what others would “approve of” you valuing. You

don’t need to justify them, they are “evaluation-proof”, and you don’t need reasons for

them. They are simply yours, and simply worth pursuing.

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 Values are travelling on the river toward what you want your life to stand for, rather than

getting caught up in the quicksand of avoiding pain. Living your values involves knowing

that every moment of that journey down the river is an opportunity to demonstrate those

values.

 Values don’t depend on what you feel and think at any given moment. Even if you don’t

feel like acting consistently with your values at times, you can still act consistently with

your values. Even if your mind tells you can’t live your values at any given moment, you

can still put your best foot forward.

 You haven’t failed or betrayed your values at those moments when you do not act

consistently with them. Your values are always intact, and always a part of you. Noticing

that you haven’t lived them in a given moment is simply a cue to remind you that you can

choose to live them in the next moment.

 There are likely several ways of living that you value, and sometimes these values will

compete with each other. It is always your choice which of them to pursue at any given

moment when these conflicts occur. And despite what your mind tells you, this is okay.

 It can be painful to notice what you really value if noticing this brings up painful

memories about how often you haven’t lived those values in the past. And this pain can

make it difficult to live those values in the present moment. This is an opportunity to

unhook from your mind, and willingly experience the pain that is there, and take another

step toward that value.

 Your values may change over the course of your life, and this is perfectly fine. When it

looks like one of your values has changed, just stay alert to the possibility that it hasn’t

changed and your mind has simply convinced you that it has. As with all struggles, if you

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 are struggling with your experience of what you value, jumping off your mind train and

willingly experiencing what is there will eventually provide you with some clarity.

Values and reasons [2]

Although values often have ‘reasons’ associated with them, they are never chosen for

reasons. One can not justify values with reasons. Rather, values are simply chosen. This

distinction is important for two interconnected reasons.

First, you may believe you have to justify your values, with the unfortunate consequence

that, if you cannot justify your values at any given time, they are not valid. Values never have to

be justified (What value would you justify them with?). You may well be able to identify, at a

basic level, ways of living your life that have, in the past, given your life more vitality, more

meaning, more purpose—even if you’ve only experienced very brief periods of such a life in the

past. If you haven’t experienced such moments in the past, you might be able to imagine what

these ways of living would be. At a basic level, you know what ‘living a life that matters to you’

looks like. Regardless of what your mind says, this is enough: You don’t need to justify your

vitality, your meaning, your purpose, to anyone, or even to yourself.

Second, if anyone believes they need reasons to value something, then they cannot move

toward that value unless those reasons are satisfied. For example, someone might believe that he

values being a caring and supportive spouse because his wife behaves in this manner toward

him. If, at any given time, his wife ceases to behave this way toward him for a while, his

apparent reason for being caring and supportive is not there to guide his actions. Values do not

depend on something as fleeting as reasons. They depend on courses of action that you have

found, over time, to bring increased meaning and vitality to your life.

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 One can choose to act in a manner consistent with one’s values at any time, regardless of

what reasons (or other thoughts) or feelings are present.

Values are about the journey, not the destination [2]

Living your values is more about the process of living a valued direction, rather than the

outcome, or “getting what you want”.

Suppose you go skiing. You take a lift to the top of a hill, and you are just about to ski

down the hill when a man comes along and asks where you are going. "I'm going to the lodge at

the bottom," you reply. He says, "I can help you with that," and promptly grabs you, throws you

into a helicopter, flies you to the lodge, and then disappears. So you look around kind of dazed.

You'd be upset, no? Skiing is not just the goal of getting to the lodge, because any number of

activities can accomplish that for us. Skiing is how we are going to get there. Yet notice that

getting to the lodge is important because it allows us to do the process of skiing in a direction.

If I tried to ski uphill instead of down, it wouldn't work. Valuing down over up is necessary

in downhill skiing. There is a way to say this: Outcome is the process through which process can

become the outcome. We need goals, but we need to hold them lightly so that the real point of

living and having goals can emerge.

“It makes you appreciate each

day because you don’t know
how long you’ve got.”
(Anonymous cancer patient)

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Everything in our path can be the path toward our values [2]

Suppose you are taking a hike in the mountains. You know how mountain trails are built,

especially if the slopes are steep. They wind back and forth; often they have "switchbacks,"

which make you literally walk back and forth, and sometimes a trail will even drop back to

below a level you had reached earlier. If I asked you at a number of points on such a trail to

assess how well you are accomplishing your goal of reaching the mountaintop, I would hear a

different story every time. If you were in switchback mode, you would probably tell me that

things weren't going well, that you were never going to reach the top. If you were in a stretch of

open territory where you could see the mountaintop and the path leading up to it, you would

probably tell me things were going very well.

Now imagine that we are across the valley with binoculars, looking at people hiking on this

trail. If we were asked how they were doing, we would have a positive progress report every

time. We would be able to see that the overall direction of the trail, not what it looks like at a

given moment, is the key to progress. We would see that following this crazy, winding trail is

exactly what leads to the top.

Now we will go through a number of exercises to give you the opportunity to get in touch

with the things you value most. These exercises will also show you ways to commit to your

valued directions even in the face of distressing private experiences, and adversity.

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 Exercise: How do I relate to those closest to me?

Find a distraction-free place to sit in prior to commencing this exercise. Now, think for a few
minutes about the people who matter most to you—write each name in the space below.

__________________ ___________________ __________________

__________________ ___________________ __________________
__________________ ___________________ __________________
__________________ ___________________ __________________

Starting with the first name, take several moments to picture this person clearly—what his or her
face looks like…what his/her voice sounds like…what clothes he or she is wearing. Now,
imagine this person was giving a short speech about how you’ve lived your life up until now,
especially with respect to him/her (if you’re focusing on a very young child, pretend they can
speak). How have you most often acted toward this person? How have you most often treated
this person? What must this person think about his/her relationship with you? Really take some
time and focus in on what this person would say about how you’ve really lived your life with
respect to him or her—even if it’s painful to note what’s being said (this is one of those areas
where you have the choice to show up to distress in service of getting clearer about what’s most
important to you).

When you’re clear about what this person says, ask yourself the following question: Is this
exactly how I want my relationship with this person to be? Do I want to change how I treat this
person, how I act around this person, what I do and don’t do for this person? Do I want to do
more of some things, and less of other things, with this person? Exactly what do I want to do
differently with this person from now on? Take your time in answering these questions.

Then, repeat this exercise with the next name on your list. Following completion of the exercise
with each person, we encourage you to write down what kind of person you most want to be with
respect to each of these people below. If you need more space, grab another piece of paper and
continue writing down your answers to the above questions.
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

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 Exercise: One year from now…
Audio exercise: Track 5 - What are my values

Find a place where you can sit quietly, without anybody distracting you. Now, imagine that you
are having a gathering one-year from now with all the people who matter to you most (if your
prognosis is that you do not have a whole year to live, pull it back to 6 months, 3 months, or
whatever is appropriate). It can be family, extended family, friends, work colleagues, members
from community groups etc. Write down the names of the people who will be there, only
including those who are most important to you:

__________________ ___________________ __________________

__________________ ___________________ __________________
__________________ ___________________ __________________
__________________ ___________________ __________________

I want you to imagine that each person at this gathering is going to say something about you. You
are watching and listening to the speeches that those closest to you are giving. Imagine just
being in that situation.

Visualise what you would like these people who were part of your life to say about you. What
would you most like your wife / husband to say about you, as their partner? What would they say
about how you approached your relationship with them? Let them say exactly what you would
most want them to say if you had a totally free choice about what that would be. Take a moment
to write down what you experienced…what did these people say about you?
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

Now what would you like your children, or nephews / nieces, to say about you, as a parent or
uncle / aunty? Don't hold back. If you could have them say anything, what would it be? Even if
you have not actually lived up to what you would want, let them say it, as you would most want
it to be. In the space below, write down what these young people said in their speech.
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

Now what would you like your friends / work colleagues etc. say about you, as a friend / work
colleague? Let them say all these things-and don't withhold anything. Have it be said as you

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would most want it. And just make a mental note of these things as you hear them spoken. Write
about your experience…what did your friends / work colleagues say about you?
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

Exercise: Values Clarification [11]

The following are areas of life, which are valued by some people. Not everyone has the
same values and this exercise is not a test to see if you have the "correct” values. Try to describe
your values as if no one would ever read what you write. Think about each area in terms of:
1. Concrete goals you might have (these can be accomplished)
2. More general life direction or guiding principles (these are more abstract and involve a
process that is never complete).
So for example you might value getting married or a job as a concrete goal. These are
things that can be completed but are part of a much bigger picture. What kind of a spouse or
employee do you want to be? What would your being a loving spouse look like to you? As an
employee are you only interested in doing what it takes to survive from 9 to 5 so you can enjoy
other things of importance in your off time, or do you want to have a job you're completely
passionate about that you carry with you day-in and day-out?
Work your way through each of the following life domains. These domains overlap. You
may have trouble separating marriage and family relations; do your best to keep them apart by
choosing to address separate issues under each heading. You may not have any valued goals in
certain areas, this is normal - goals come in and out of our lives as our experience tests their
utility and feasibility. Try and write something for each domain that relates to your more general
life direction or guiding principles—even if it does not rank as a high priority. It's to your
advantage to be clear about how you see things—that way you have something against which to
measure your experience.

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 It is also important that you write down what you would value if there was nothing in your
way. You are not being asked to think of what you may realistically get, or what you think you
deserve. The exercise is to clarify what you care about, what you want, in the best of all
situations. While doing the exercise, pretend that anything is possible.
In the upper-right hand corner of each domain's page you are to indicate importance and
success ratings. Importance refers to how important that domain is in your life irrespective of all
the other domains. It is possible for you to rank the importance of all domains as high (10).
Success refers to how successful you feel you have been in your general life direction or meeting
your goals for that domain.
Begin writing about your values on the next page.

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1. Marriage/Couples/Intimate Relations Importance: _____ Success: _____
Date: _______________________ 1 is low 10 is high 1 is low 10 is high
In this section write down a description of the person you would like to be in an intimate relationship. Write down the type of relationship you
would want to have. Try to focus mostly on your own role in that relationship.

Concrete Goal(s):

General Life Direction / Guiding Principle(s):

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2. Family Relations Importance: _____ Success: _____
Date: _______________________ 1 is low 10 is high 1 is low 10 is high
In this section describe the type of brother/sister, son/daughter, father/mother you would want to be. Describe the qualities you would want to have
in those relationships. Describe how you would treat these people if you were the "ideal you" in these various relationships.

Concrete Goal(s):

General Life Direction / Guiding Principle(s):

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3. Friendship/Social Relations Importance: _____ Success: _____
Date: _______________________ 1 is low 10 is high 1 is low 10 is high
In this section write down what it means to you to be a good friend. If you were able to be the best friend possible how would you behave toward
your friends? Try to describe an ideal friendship.

Concrete Goal(s):

General Life Direction / Guiding Principle(s):

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4. Employment Importance: _____ Success: _____
Date: _______________________ 1 is low 10 is high 1 is low 10 is high
In this section describe what type of work you would like to do. This can be very specific or very general (Remember, this is an ideal world). After
talking about the type of work you would like to do, talk about what about it appeals to you. Then discuss what kind of worker you would like to be
with respect to your co-workers. What would you want your work relations to be like?

Concrete Goal(s):

General Life Direction / Guiding Principle(s):

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5. Education/Training Importance: _____ Success: _____
Date: _______________________ 1 is low 10 is high 1 is low 10 is high
If you would like to pursue an education, formally or informally, or to pursue some specialised training, talk about that. Talk about what you would
want your relationships to be like in that area with your trainers or fellow trainees. Talk about why this sort of training or education appeals to you.

Concrete Goal(s):

General Life Direction / Guiding Principle(s):

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6. Recreation Importance: _____ Success: _____
Date: _______________________ 1 is low 10 is high 1 is low 10 is high
Discuss the type of recreational life you would like to have, include hobbies, exercise, etc.

Concrete Goal(s):

General Life Direction / Guiding Principle(s):

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7. Spirituality Importance: _____ Success: _____
Date: _______________________ 1 is low 10 is high 1 is low 10 is high
This does not necessarily mean participation in organised religion. It means whatever it means to you. This might be as simple as communing with
nature, or as formal as participation in an organised religious group. Whatever spirituality means to you is fine, just write about what you would
like this domain of you life to be like in a perfect world where all things were possible.

Concrete Goal(s):

General Life Direction / Guiding Principle(s):

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8. Citizenship Importance: _____ Success: _____
Date: _______________________ 1 is low 10 is high 1 is low 10 is high
For some people participating in community affairs is an important part of life. For instance, some people feel that it is important to volunteer with
the homeless or elderly, lobby governmental policy makers at the federal, state, or local level, participate as a member of a group committed to
conserving wildlife, or participating in the service structure of an Alcoholics Anonymous group. If these sorts of community oriented activities are
important to you, write about what direction you would like to take in these areas. Write about what appeals to you in these areas.

Concrete Goal(s):

General Life Direction / Guiding Principle(s):

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9. Physical Wellbeing Importance: _____ Success: _____
Date: _______________________ 1 is low 10 is high 1 is low 10 is high
In this section, include your values related to maintaining your physical wellbeing. Talk about health related issues such as sleep, diet, exercise,
smoking, etc.

Concrete Goal(s):

General Life Direction / Guiding Principle(s):

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 The last few exercises that you’ve done have asked you to write about what you value---

what’s important to you--- as well as given you a chance to think about the things that you may

want to be doing more of. It may be helpful to refer back to these exercises once in awhile to get

in touch with what you have written – that is, get in touch with your values. At the end of this

workbook is another values exercise that we encourage you to do. It’s a worksheet that you can

use as a way of keeping track of how you are living your values in each domain from week to

week. Most of the time we know what is important to us, but life sometimes has a way of getting

us side-tracked, or our own thoughts and feelings can bully us into travelling in a different

direction. Use these exercises as a reference for yourself, especially during these times. Also, it

can be really beneficial to look at these exercises now and again to see how you are progressing.

Exercise: Journaling

Please look back over your values. Pick a value that has the following characteristics:
1) You said it is very important to you
2) You said you had not been successful at it
3) You said you wanted to improve your success.

Please write the value here

________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
Write about this value and your struggles to live it in detail. While you’re writing, don’t worry
about grammar, spelling or sentence structure. Write continuously and write whatever comes to
mind, even if it doesn’t make sense – just write.

Begin writing now.

______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

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______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

What makes it hard to live this value?

______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

What distracts you from it?

______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

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What tough feelings and thoughts come up in the course of trying to live this value more
consistently?
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

What things do you do that contradict this value?

______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

Living Your Values More Consistently “I found that I didn’t want

to do anything…I didn’t
want to see anyone, I
Despite the fact that they are vitally important to us, we can didn’t want to go out,
because of that fact that
often find it hard to live our values consistently. Distressing thoughts you always run into
someone, and you have to
and feelings may often show up in the course of us trying to live talk to people…”
(Anonymous cancer
lives that really matter to us. External circumstances can also slow us patient)

down. Events beyond your control—like cancer—can introduce an imposing set of restrictions on

your life. And, as you know very well, the basic mechanics of what you must do to address your

cancer (going in repeatedly for treatment, encountering the fatigue and illness associated with

chemotherapy or radiation, etc.) are just some of the barriers that can slow down your movement

toward living a life that really matters to you. Sometimes, the most powerful barriers to moving

toward a value consist of the extremely tough feelings and thoughts you must face in the course

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of putting that value into play. Building and maintaining close, caring, supportive relationships

with others (for example) can involve having to face fear, anxiety, embarrassment, guilt, anger,

frustration, self-doubt, thoughts of personal inadequacy, and so on. Parenting your children in a

way that you value can involve facing similar thoughts and feelings, as can consistently doing

work that matters to you or consistently living a more spiritual life (assuming these are things

important to you).

It’s especially helpful to take a close look at those values you find difficult to move toward.

Getting clear about things that typically ‘trip you up’ when you try to move toward a value

(“barriers”) and about what to do to move through these barriers (“actions”) is a good start. And

setting goals that help you stay on a vital, meaningful path toward your values can also be very

helpful. The next few sections will help you through this process.

Audio exercise: Track 6 - Living your values more consistently

Goals
For every value, you can set a number of relevant goals. Setting goals that move you closer

toward what you value is a good way of helping you ‘stay on track’ and live a vital, meaningful

life—even when things get confusing, disturbing, and so on.

For example, you might value building a local community where people take care of each

other. To help you live this value more consistently, you might choose goals like “attending

fortnightly community meetings”, “regularly participating in a neighbourhood watch

programme”, and “helping to organise community charity events”. Or, if you valued building and

maintaining a close, caring, supportive relationship with your spouse, you might set goals like

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“spending time alone together at least 2-3 times per week”, “regularly helping my spouse with

tasks around the house”, and “regularly offering and providing a ‘friendly ear’ when I notice my

spouse struggling with things”. Unlike values, goals are ‘finite’--they involve something that has

an end. But goals that are set are always set in service of moving you toward your values.

Exercise: Identifying Goals Relevant to my Values

Below, write down your most important values. Beside them, list a number of concrete goals that
will help you live your life in a way that is consistent with each value.

Value Goals
Example:
1. Being a supportive, Spend quality time with partner
open, honest and Share my feelings with them
caring partner. Do one thing each day to show them I care

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Barriers

Barriers are things that get in the way of us always living our values. Sometimes, barriers

are external, involving circumstances outside our own distressing thoughts and feelings that

hinder movement toward our values. For example, if you valued living a more spiritual life, you

might lack knowledge about what form of spirituality is best for you. You could overcome this

barrier by getting more information. Or, if you valued being in an intimate romantic relationship,

but had no partner, this would reflect an external barrier. Obviously, you could work to overcome

this barrier by coming up with strategies involving how and where you might meet a person like

this.

Often, our own distressing thoughts and feelings appear to

“I’m nine years down the
track…every time I get
get in the way of us moving toward our values—we refer to these
something wrong with me,
even nine years later it’s
thoughts and feelings as “internal barriers”. For example, you
still there. I still think the
cancer will come back. And
might value building and maintaining a close, caring, mutually
I don’t think that ever leaves
you.” (Anonymous cancer
supportive relationship with your spouse. This requires a
survivor)
willingness to share painful—and joyful—personal information

with each other. If you get anxious or scared at such times, and you’re not willing to feel these

feelings, they become barriers to living this value. Or, if you valued being as healthy as you can

under the circumstances, yet avoided regular medical care because such care focused your

attention on the fear, anxiety, or sadness involved with having cancer, these feelings would serve

as barriers to living this value if you weren’t willing to experience them.

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 Exercise: Identifying Barriers to Living my Values

Below, write down your values. List internal and external barriers for each.

Value External Barriers Internal Barriers

Example:
Being a supportive, Time, looking after childrenFear, guilt, exhaustion, anger
open, honest and evaluations: ‘why doesn’t my
caring partner. partner help me?’, ‘it’s not fair’…

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Actions

Actions involve things you can do to successfully move through barriers to living your

values. For example, if an external barrier to dealing with your cancer involved a lack of

knowledge about treatment options, an appropriate action would be to educate yourself about

these options. If one of your external barriers involves continuing work at a job you love whilst

suffering from the effects of chemotherapy, an appropriate action might involve negotiating a

compromise with your boss (such that you work part time, from home, etc.). If an internal barrier

to moving toward a value involved the fact that you must experience distressing thoughts and

feelings as a result, an appropriate action would include using defusion and willingness strategies

with these thoughts and feelings. An appropriate action might also include sharing your struggle

with a supportive and caring friend or family member.

Now, you get a chance to identify effective actions to the barriers that show up and get in

the way of you living a valued life.

Exercise: Identifying Effective Actions to Barriers

For the barriers you listed above, write out some appropriate actions that will help you move
through each barrier.

Please turn over…………..

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Value Barrier Actions

Being a supportive, External: Time, looking after Plan for family to mind
open, honest and children children one day a fortnight
caring partner
Internal: Fear, guilt, exhaustion, De-fusing, mindfulness,
anger; evaluations: ‘why doesn’t acceptance / willingness
my partner help me?’, ‘it’s not
fair’…

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Staying committed to the things you love

Valuing often involves failing and recommitting to living our values again and again.

People often think they have ‘ruined things’ or ‘blown it’ when they ‘fall off the wagon’ by doing

something that goes against what they value. It is important to emphasise that a value can be

moved toward at literally any moment, regardless of what was done in the previous moment.

Figure 1: Valued action often involves many detours, barriers, setbacks, and periods where

you aren’t moving toward you value. When you notice you aren’t moving toward a value, or have

done something that directly contradicts your value, you always have the choice to move toward

that value in the next moment.

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 A summary of everything: The five key questions we
will ask ourselves for the rest of our lives
1) Are you willing to have all your private experiences (thoughts,
feelings) fully and without defence (in the service of values)?

2) Are you willing to have your private experience as it is…

If you repeat painful words enough times, you

will notice that they are just sounds.

Thoughts are like leaves on a stream; notice them

float by.

…not what it says it is?

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3) Are you willing to be in this time, in this situation?

Mindfulness means paying attention in a

particular way:
on purpose,
in the present moment,
and nonjudgmentally
-Jon-Kabat-Zinn

4) Do you recognise the distinction between you and the stuff you
are struggling with and are trying to change?

5. Are you willing to chose your values and commit to them?

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 References

1. Hayes, S.C. and S. Smith, Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life:
The New Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. 2005, Oakland: New
Harbinger Publications, Inc. 206.
2. Hayes, S.C., K.D. Strosahl, and K.G. Wilson, Acceptance and
commitment therapy: An experiential approach to behavior change.
1999: New York, NY, US: The Guilford Press. (1999). xvi, 304pp.
3. Wegner, D.M. and S. Zanakos, Chronic thought suppression. Journal
of Personality, 1994. 62(4): p. 615-640.
4. Feldner, M., et al., Emotional avoidance: An experimental test of
individual differences and response suppression using biological
challenge. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 2003. 41(4): p. 403-411.
5. Chiles, J.A. and K.D. Strosahl, The suicidal patient: Principles of
assessment, treatment, and case management. 1995: (1995). xi,
282pp.
6. Kessler, R.C., et al., Lifetime and 12-month prevalence of DSM-III--R
psychiatric disorders in the United States: Results from the National
Comorbidity Study. Archives of General Psychiatry, 1994. 51(1): p. 8-
19.
7. Hayes, S.C., D. Barnes-Holmes, and B. Roche, eds. Relational frame
theory: A post-Skinnerian account of human language and cognition.
2001, (2001). xvii, 285pp.
8. Wenzlaff, R.M. and D.M. Wegner, Thought suppression. Annual
Review of Psychology, 2000. 51: p. 59-91.
9. Blackledge, J.T., ACT Handouts. 2003, Reno.
10. Segal, Z.V., J.M.G. Williams, and J.D. Teasdale, Mindfulness-based
cognitive therapy for depression: a new approach to preventing
relapse. 2002, New York: Guilford Press. xiv, 351.
11. Waltz, T. Values Worksheets. University of Nevada, Reno.
12. Eifert, G. H., McKay, M. and Forsyth, J. P., ACT on life not on anger:
The new Acceptance and Commitment Therapy guide to problem
anger. 2006, Oakland: New Harbinger Publications, Inc. 179pp.

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 Willingness and commitment worksheet
What value do you want to put into (more) play in your life?
Values are like guiding stars. You set your course by them, but you never actually reach them, or permanently realize
them.

Now pick a goal that you would like to achieve, with respect to the value that would let you know
that you are “on track.”

Now pick an action (s) that will lead you to accomplish that goal

What private stuff is likely to arise as a result of your committed action?

Emotions and sensations?

Unhelpful rules (musts, shoulds) and evaluations (It’s awful; I can’t stand it; I’m not good enough)?

Other stuff (Memories and images)?

The key here is to look at this private stuff as what it is (just stuff), not what it says it is.

Private stuff seems more powerful than reality sometimes. It often says it is something that is dangerous,
or something that is literally true.

Take anxiety. It says it is powerful, like you have to run away from it or listen to what it says. Notice how
“anxiety” is just a word that describes a bunch of fleeting thoughts and feelings. Notice how you can have
those thoughts and feelings and still do what you value.
Are you willing to make room for the thoughts and feelings that shows up as a result of your
committed action?
Yes (go forward with your journey and experience it!)
No (Go back and choose a different valued action, and repeat this exercise)

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 Daily Experiences Diary
At the end of each day, please answer each of the following four questions using the scale below.
Ratings for each question can range from 0 (not at all) to 10 (extreme amount):

0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
None / Extreme
Not at all
amount
Suffering: How upset or distressed were you today overall?
Struggle: How hard did you try to make your distressing feelings and thoughts go away today?
Effectiveness: How effective was your struggle in making your distressing feelings and thoughts
go away today?
Valued Action: How much did you do the things that matter most to you today?

Day Suffering Struggle Effective Valued Action

0–10 0–10 0–10 0–10
Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday

Thursday

Friday

Saturday

Sunday

126
 Daily Experiences Diary
At the end of each day, please answer each of the following four questions using the scale below.
Ratings for each question can range from 0 (not at all) to 10 (extreme amount):

0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
None / Extreme
Not at all
amount
Suffering: How upset or distressed were you today overall?
Struggle: How hard did you try to make your distressing feelings and thoughts go away today?
Effectiveness: How effective was your struggle in making your distressing feelings and thoughts
go away today?
Valued Action: How much did you do the things that matter most to you today?

Day Suffering Struggle Effective Valued Action

0–10 0–10 0–10 0–10
Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday

Thursday

Friday

Saturday

Sunday

127
 Daily Experiences Diary
At the end of each day, please answer each of the following four questions using the scale below.
Ratings for each question can range from 0 (not at all) to 10 (extreme amount):

0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
None / Extreme
Not at all
amount
Suffering: How upset or distressed were you today overall?
Struggle: How hard did you try to make your distressing feelings and thoughts go away today?
Effectiveness: How effective was your struggle in making your distressing feelings and thoughts
go away today?
Valued Action: How much did you do the things that matter most to you today?

Day Suffering Struggle Effective Valued Action

0–10 0–10 0–10 0–10
Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday

Thursday

Friday

Saturday

Sunday

128
 Daily Experiences Diary
At the end of each day, please answer each of the following four questions using the scale below.
Ratings for each question can range from 0 (not at all) to 10 (extreme amount):

0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
None / Extreme
Not at all
amount
Suffering: How upset or distressed were you today overall?
Struggle: How hard did you try to make your distressing feelings and thoughts go away today?
Effectiveness: How effective was your struggle in making your distressing feelings and thoughts
go away today?
Valued Action: How much did you do the things that matter most to you today?

Day Suffering Struggle Effective Valued Action

0–10 0–10 0–10 0–10
Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday

Thursday

Friday

Saturday

Sunday

129
 Daily Experiences Diary
At the end of each day, please answer each of the following four questions using the scale below.
Ratings for each question can range from 0 (not at all) to 10 (extreme amount):

0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
None / Extreme
Not at all
amount
Suffering: How upset or distressed were you today overall?
Struggle: How hard did you try to make your distressing feelings and thoughts go away today?
Effectiveness: How effective was your struggle in making your distressing feelings and thoughts
go away today?
Valued Action: How much did you do the things that matter most to you today?

Day Suffering Struggle Effective Valued Action

0–10 0–10 0–10 0–10
Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday

Thursday

Friday

Saturday

Sunday

130
 Weekly Values Worksheet [11]
Weekly data collection worksheets are provided for you to keep track of the happenings of
your life (we’ve included 4 worksheets – you might like to make some more copies).
For each domain of life indicate the approximate number of minutes you dedicated to
those activities each day. Since domains overlap, the time spent on some activities may be
counted for more than one domain. For example, if under "physical wellbeing” I had listed as a
daily goal “eating well-balanced meals” and under "marriage/couples/intimate relations" I had
listed “spending more time with a significant other,” then the time spent eating a well-balanced
meal with a significant other would be counted for those two areas. However, time spent sipping
coffee and chatting after the meal would only count toward "marriage/couples/intimate relations.”
The goal of this exercise is to see how you spend your time, not to give a minute-by-
minute account of your entire life (do not go out and purchase 9 stopwatches). The time estimates
can be rounded off to the nearest 5-minute increment or so. This should be fun and only take
about 10-15 minutes a day to complete.
Qual is short for quality. In this column you evaluate the overall quality of the events that
occurred in each domain with 1 being "low” and 10 being "high.” Another way to look at this
rating is to indicate how satisfied you are with what you did accomplish, given the amount of
time you spent on that domain. If you did not spend any time on a particular domain then you
don't indicate a quality rating and do not figure that day into your weekly quality average.

Moments to Remember

Can you remember what you did on August 14, 1986? Probably not, but does that mean
that nothing of significance happened? At one point you learned how to tie your shoes, but I'd be
surprised if you could remember the exact day you could do it successfully, yet you have no
problem remembering how to tie your shoes. This task is about noticing events that are important
to you during your day—events you care about. These statements can serve as a reminder
regarding what it felt like to do something that you recorded on your data sheet. They also can be
a place where you write about what you wanted to matter about that day but did not—again
noticing what that was like.

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Week of: ___________________________________
Ave. Total
Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday Qual Rank
Area Time %
Time Qual Time Qual Time Qual Time Qual Time Qual Time Qual Time Qual

Marriage/Couples/
Intimate Relations
Family Relations

Friendship/
Social Relations
Employment

Education/
Training
Recreation

Spirituality

Citizenship

Physical
Wellbeing
Moments to Remember
Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday

Thursday

Friday

Saturday

Sunday

132
Week of: ___________________________________
Ave. Total
Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday Qual Rank
Area Time %
Time Qual Time Qual Time Qual Time Qual Time Qual Time Qual Time Qual

Marriage/Couples/
Intimate Relations
Family Relations

Friendship/
Social Relations
Employment

Education/
Training
Recreation

Spirituality

Citizenship

Physical
Wellbeing
Moments to Remember
Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday

Thursday

Friday

Saturday

Sunday

133
Week of: ___________________________________
Ave. Total
Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday Qual Rank
Area Time %
Time Qual Time Qual Time Qual Time Qual Time Qual Time Qual Time Qual

Marriage/Couples/
Intimate Relations
Family Relations

Friendship/
Social Relations
Employment

Education/
Training
Recreation

Spirituality

Citizenship

Physical
Wellbeing
Moments to Remember
Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday

Thursday

Friday

Saturday

Sunday

134
Week of: ___________________________________
Ave. Total
Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday Qual Rank
Area Time %
Time Qual Time Qual Time Qual Time Qual Time Qual Time Qual Time Qual

Marriage/Couples/
Intimate Relations
Family Relations

Friendship/
Social Relations
Employment

Education/
Training
Recreation

Spirituality

Citizenship

Physical
Wellbeing
Moments to Remember
Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday

Thursday

Friday

Saturday

Sunday

135
136