Kisch 1

Erin Kisch

SOC 333

Professor Freudenburg

May 2, 2016

Expanded Paper
Pregnancy: Becoming ‘Mom and Dad’ While Still Being ‘Husband and Wife’

The book Marriage and Families by Olsen, DeFrain, and Skogrand addresses many

issues which married couples eventually encounter. Even though the authors spend an entire

chapter discussing intimacy, diversity, and strengths in regard to parenthood, they spend little

time talking about how the actual pregnancy affects marriage. It is imperative for couples to

know beforehand the issues that pregnancy may trigger. The purpose of this paper is to help

prepare expecting couples for the difficulties that lie ahead. While there are some ways to

improve the experience of pregnancy, there are also negative experiences which may cause

couples to search for resources or seek support from their spouse.

When a married couple learns that a baby is on the way, there are several ways to

maintain a high level of marital quality (Olsen et. al, 331). First, having firm financial resources

raises marital quality. Preparing for a newborn can get expensive, so financial security can

alleviate stress from the marriage. Second, it is helpful to share work and familial

responsibilities. If the wife recognizes that she will not be able to continue doing the same

amount of work as she used to and if the husband steps up to take on more responsibilities, they

both can avoid possible conflicts and maintain harmony. Third, support from family members

and friends is vital. Without the care that family can provide or the encouragement that friends

give, couples will have a hard time staying positive and vitalized. Another way to keep marriages

strong throughout pregnancy is having faith in a higher being. When the mother feels helpless in
 Kisch 2

her new stage of life, having a spiritual power to look to can be beneficial. During the time prior

to having the baby, both parents should be discussing parenting tactics. If they do not agree on

how to parent, their preparation for the coming child will be stress-filled. Being generous to each

other, expecting couples can eliminate stressors and focus on family. Finally, according to an

article from the Journal of Marriage and Family, waiting until a few years after marriage to have

a child is healthy for couples. “…Delayed childbearing within marriage is associated with greater

stability relative to shorter intervals between marriage and the first birth (Wineberg, 1988). To

the extent that the findings from these studies hold for contemporary marriages, postponement of

childbearing within marriage might have positive effects on marital stability for parents and, by

extension, children’s well-being.” (Hayford, Guzzo, Smock, 536). At every step towards having

a new baby, a couple should evaluate how they can keep their experiences together positive.

The book Marriage and Families discusses how couples can remain vitalized through

hardship by focusing on being friends as well as spouses. There are eight characteristics that can

help couples remain best friends. First, there has to be a sense of enjoyment when the couple is

together. If there is always friction when they are together, they need to get to the root of the

problem before they try to move on. Second, they should be accepting of each other. Pregnancy

is a time to accept one another and not try to change who they are. Next and possibly most

importantly, couples need to have a profound sense of trust. Couples thrive on trust, and there is

nothing more important during a pregnancy than mutual trust. As a result of trust, expecting

couples should offer each other mutual assistance (Olsen et. al, 248). Pregnancy is the time

couples need each other most, so having a foundation in helping each other is key. In addition,

respect is vital. “Friends respect each other; they can count on each other in times of need. Once

trust, respect, and assistance is established, spouses can confide in each other. Expressing
 Kisch 3

feelings and needs will only strengthen their relationship through the strain of pregnancy. As a

chain reaction, the confidence will bring understanding to the relationship. Finally, the couple

should be comfortable to be spontaneous around each other. “Friends feel free to be ‘real’ around

each other. They don’t feel they have to play a role or hold back their true feelings” (Olsen et. al,

248). Overall, a good way to keep a marriage strong is to be grounded with a firm foundation in

friendship.

Even with a strong relationship, couples should recognize what new issues may cause

their marital quality to suffer. As mentioned briefly above, financial stress can be a major issue

for an expecting couple. All of a sudden, in addition to the typical expenses, money has to be

budgeted for doctor visits, baby clothes, and furniture for the baby’s room. Depending on the

situation, a couple may be spending much more or much less time together. If the husband works

and the mother goes to doctor visits, they will have to adjust to seeing each other less. On the

other hand, if they are going to parenting classes, appointments, and baby stores together, the

extra time around each other might also cause some friction. Couples should be aware of these

changes and be willing to talk openly about concerns so that new issues can be taken care of

before they get out of hand. Another huge stressor for couples is when the in-laws come to visit.

Especially during the weeks and days leading up to birth, there will be many visitors who mean

well, but having some of them be in-laws can set off a whole range of emotions that can come

between the husband and wife. Another issue to address sooner rather than later is the parenting

style that each spouse is developing. Discussing parenting before the baby arrives is a good idea

because if each spouse has a different idea on how to parent, the difference can cause tension. To

help with this issue, couples can go to parenting classes or discuss ideas at home. Instead of
 Kisch 4

assuming that one’s partner feels the same way, couples should present thoughts in a

nonjudgmental manner. All of these issues can be ways that expecting couples’ marriages suffer.

An issue for parents that not many have heard of before is alexithymia. “Alexithymia

signifies a personality construct that is typically represented by reduced ability to identify and

verbalize feelings, a less vivid imagination, and an externally oriented, concrete way of thinking”

(Karukivi et. al, 1252). Typically, alexithymia is seen in pregnant women instead of their

husbands. This issue has three main characteristics: having difficulty identifying one’s feelings,

having a hard time describing those feelings, and being a person who thinks externally (Karukivi

et. al, 1253). Expecting mothers are experiencing a myriad of new emotions, and not being able

to express these feelings leads to heightened levels of stress. In fact, research has shown that

alexithymia causes individuals to have lower activity in the amygdala and results in difficulty

processing facial expressions and nonverbal cues (Karukivi et. al, 1256). A husband who is

trying to show empathy towards his pregnant wife might come across to his spouse as coddling

her and being too clingy. “…Alexithymia is significantly associated with higher anxiety and

avoidance in the relationship” (Karukivi et. al, 1255). Instead of avoiding each other, couples

need to have an open and caring relationship. “In previous research studying the relation of

alexithymia with interpersonal problems, alexithymia has been associated particularly with a

cold and withdrawn interpersonal functioning” (Karukivi et. al, 1256). Clearly, it should be a

high priority for couples to discuss the issues they find themselves facing.

In order to avoid dealing with such issues on their own, parents-to-be may choose to look

for outside resources. There is a plethora of ways for struggling couples to get help. Professional

family therapists are trained specifically to help couples who need assistance. Not only will

family therapists aid couples who are still pregnant, they can also continue to help once the baby
 Kisch 5

has been born. The American Association for Marital and Family Therapy (AAMFT) is an

organization that provides several resources. They can connect couples to therapists that can

address that family’s specific needs. Also, the AAMFT has a website that offers articles on a

wide range of marital difficulties (aamft.org). Parent education is another major help. Simply

knowing what to expect out of a pregnancy can help reduce conflict between couples. The

National Council on Family Relations publishes scholarly journals on topics relevant to

expecting couples (ncfr.org). In addition, they can help train Certified Family Life Educators

who, in turn, train couples to be effective parents. Making use of resources is key to maintaining

a vitalized marriage during pregnancy.

Finally, there are ways for couples to sustain their relationship themselves (Jolivet, 1).

First, set up a network of support. Make sure these are people who have actually been through it

before! They are the ones who can truly empathize and give accurate advice. Also, it is

imperative to have the husband be a part of the process. Some may think that since the husband

is not the one who is pregnant, it is no problem to make the focus be solely on the wife.

However, without his care and support, the wife will not have as positive an experience being

pregnant. Pregnancy can provide some of the most tender moments a husband and wife may

have. They should not let such moments slip away but should spend time together to catch these

moments. Along these same lines, couples should be willing to share concerns. If a certain issue

arises, the couple should discuss it and not ignore it so that it does not keep returning and causing

friction. During pregnancy, not only are physical changes occurring, social and emotional

changes are happening as well. Both husband and wife should be open to these changes.

Pregnancy will never leave a marriage the same as it was before. The key is to make these

changes be positive ones and not negative. Lastly, couples should not rely on their partner for
 Kisch 6

everything. Sometimes one needs different types of support to cover the many difficulties that

may come (Jolivet, 2). Having a husband, a therapist, a friend, and a strong family all working

together as team will make for the best support system for a couple going through the change

that pregnancy throws their way.

In the end, then, it is clear that pregnancy can change a marriage for better or for worse

and that the couple needs to be prepared with resources and support in order to make the

experience a positive one. Most importantly, the couple should make use of the relationships

they have already built to help them through the inevitable difficulties they will face. By

following these guidelines, husbands and wives can transition well into becoming fathers and

mothers.
 Kisch 7

Bibliography

Hayford, Sarah R., Karen Benjamin Guzzo, and Pamela J. Smock. "The Decoupling of Marriage
and Parenthood? Trends in the Timing of Marital First Births, 1945-2002." Journal of
Marriage and Family 76.3 (2014): 520-38. Web.

Jolivet, Rima R. "Two Birth Stories: An Allegory to Compare Experiences in Current and
Envisioned Maternity Care Systems." (n.d.): n. pag. Childbirth Connection. National
Partnership for Women and Families, Oct. 2008. Web. Mar. 2016.
<http://www.childbirthconnection.org/pdfs/allegory_illustrating_vision.pdf>.

Karukivi, Max, Mimmi Tolvanen, Linnea Karlsson, and Hasse Karlsson. "Is Alexithymia Linked
with Marital Satisfaction or Attachment to the Partner? A Study in a Pregnancy Cohort of
Parents-to-be." Comprehensive Psychiatry 55.5 (2014): 1252-257. Web.

Olson, David H., John D. DeFrain, and Linda Skogrand. Marriages and Families: Intimacy,
Diversity, and Strengths. 8th ed. Boston: McGraw-Hill, 2014. Print.