by Fred Reiss

Why
Conservatives
love
golf more
than America .

What would happen if Tiger Woods and President Obama

played a golf against Rush Limbaugh and Congresssman John Boehner.

Rush Limbaugh and Ohio Congressman John

Boehner defiantly stood on the first tee of a
private country club for their golf match against President Obama, who came
over to them without his mystery-guest partner.
“Welcome to our club, Mr. President,” barked Rush, shunning
Obama’s extended hand. “When we play, I hope you fail.”
“It’s a beautiful day for golf, I wonder what the 99.9 percent of the other
people are doing today?” Boehner reflectively commented. “How do you like
our club? Our membership is the top one-tenth of one-percent of Americans
with the highest annual income in this great nation. We almost had to close
it down until your administration saved our club and provided our members
with green fees, which is why they’ve allowed you to play here on us. And we
created more jobs by hiring more caddies.” He paused. “By the way, every hole
here plays to the right.”
“Who is your mystery-guest partner?” snorted Rush,”You didn’t reveal
your decision which was made like all your others: behind closed doors in a
corrupt administration that is bent on destroy our country.”

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 Why Conservatives love golf more than America

“Dittos, Rush,” chimed in Rush’s caddy, Michael Steele, head of the

Republican National Committee, who received a pat on his forehead and
snack-treat from Limbaugh.
“Please don’t pick on our President,” said Senator Harry Reid, Obama’s
caddy.“You’ve lost the ability to compromise. But if you’d like, as a compromise,
we will concede the match and I will carry your clubs but in no way does that
mean I endorse your policies.” He paused. “And, I’m sorry.”
“Thanks for nothing, Harry,” said Obama, smiling, then nodding. “Why,
here comes my partner now.”
The approaching golfer wore a red shirt and a Nike swoosh golf cap.
“Before we begin, I just want to apologize to my fans who I have let down,
but most of all to my family,” said Woods, shaking hands with his opponents.
He scanned the course. “Do you guys have a cart girl?”
“Tiger Woods is your partner!” Rush gruffly growled. “Then you’re giving
us strokes.”
“Give strokes?” asked President Obama. “Isn’t that an entitlement program
of welfare?”
“A typical big-government tax-and-spend comment,” said Boehner,
aggressively leaning into the President. “Tiger is the top of one-tenth of one
percent of all golfers and shoots in the 60s. Rush and I have a mid-80s-to-
low-90s median-stroke income. Our handicaps create a level playing field for
fair competition.”
“So, you’re socialists,” President Obama clipped.
“Save it for the New-York-Times editorial page,” snorted Limbaugh.“We
get two strokes a hole and you get nothing.”
“Explain to me how your handicap system works,” said President Obama.
Boehner said, “Let’s say, Tiger gets a 4 on this hole and Rush and I get a 5.”
“We the lower score we win the hole,” said Obama.
“No, you lose,” said Rush. “Under golf ’s honored handicap system, we
deduct two strokes from our team’s score of 5 and we win the hole with a 3.”
“Sounds fair to me,” said Reid. “I concede. You will, we lose, sounds like a
fair compromise.”
“Shuttup,” said Obama to Reid. The President said to Boehner, “So you’re
requiring us to play in accordance with a governing agency’s regulations. I

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 Why Conservatives love golf more than America 3

thought conservatives believed in deregulation?”

“If you don’t give us strokes we don’t have an chance to win,” said Rush
putting a cigar to his mouth. Steele lit it for him.
“Rush, why should the best be penalized for success in our society?” Tiger
grumbled, bouncing a ball off his wedge.
“Stop playing the victim,” said Rush, puffing away. “This is why we must
privatize social security and abolish health care.”
A man on the pro-shop PA announced, “Limbaugh-Boehner twosome
with illegitimate President Hussein Obama to the tee.”
“That Glenn Beck,” said Boehner, chuckling. “He loves clowning around
on the club’s microphone. He’s such a hoot. Killed at the last Tea Party rally.”
“Yeah, he’s hilarious,” said President Obama, rolling his eyes.
The foursome walked toward the tee box. The President was surprised to
find three differently colored tee markers. The tees were spaced at different
distances from the hole. The markers were painted red, white or blue.
“Why does your club have three different tee markers of red, white, and
blue?” asked President Obama.
“The red, white, and blue markers provide players of all levels with an equal
opportunity to reach the green on this Par-4 hole in regulation: two shots,”
Rush explained. “The blues are the farthest back. They’re for players with low
handicaps. That’s where Tiger hits from. John and I are playing from the
whites-only tees—I mean, the white tees. ”
“We’re not playing against each other by hitting off the same tees?”
Boehner curtly replied. “Rush and I have higher handicaps and we tee off
closer to the hole.”
“So to play against Tiger and myself, you are demanding not only welfare,
but on top of that you also benefit from a quota system,” said President
Obama.
“Wait, who are the Red Tees for?” asked Tiger.
“The red tees are the shortest distance from the hole. They’re for women,”
replied Rush, who chortled as he added, “If we ever allow them to play here.”
“So let me get this straight,” said President Obama. “You guys represent
a Republican right-wing-conservative base that rail against any form of
government programs that interfere with the free market and the private

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 Why Conservatives love golf more than America

sector? But, when it comes to golf, conservatives warmly embrace welfare,

entitlement programs, and a quota systems.”
“Sounds fair to me,” said Reid, who was carrying Steele in his arms and the
Republicans’ clubs. “If you want us to leave, it’s okay. We don’t want to tell you
how to run a private business on your property.”
“That’s why golf is the American game that embodies the Constitution
spirit that founded our great country,” said Boehner.
“Golf is from Scotland,” corrected Tiger.
“That’s ‘old-Europe’ thinking,” said Rush. “Everything changed after 9/11.”
Obama pursued his original point, “So why do you oppose all those same
government programs that provide a level playing field for the average
American to compete against the top one-tenth-of-one-percent income
bracket in the private sector?”
“It’s a win-win for us,” simultaneously replied Boehner and Rush, placing
their hands over their hearts and gazing to American flag waving atop the pin
of the first green. “That’s how we can afford to play here. Because, unlike you,
we’re Americans and we love our country—club!”

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 About the author

Fred Reiss was a reporter for seven years in

Connecticut until he had testicular cancer (one

testicle was plucked, now he’s down to five).

After being given a second chance, Fred quit

his job, left for California to surf, do stand-up

comedy, learn about wine and write. Fred has

performed in Bakersfield, Yuba City and on

national TV (see “love me” You Tube).

When he’s working,he’s a radio talk show host.Fred also pours wine, crushes

Pinot Noir grapes and gets vertical at the Roudon-Smith Winery in the Santa

Cruz Mountains. He has held jobs in advertising, a bank, a mental facility, a

bed & breakfast, a warehouse, surf shop, several radio stations, and has also

been a camp counselor, substitute teacher and tennis instructor. He partially

grew up inFreehold, New Jersey. He lives in Northern California with his

girlfriend, and 3 cats: Groucho, Brooksie, and Bogey (She and the cats flee

when Fred turns on the vacuum cleaner.) .

Fred’s Two Fears: 1.) Having to move back to Connecticut.

2.) Bass solos.