1

00:00:00,167 --> 00:00:01,668

Subs by Traff and Raceman
www.forom.com

2
00:00:01,835 --> 00:00:02,753
That was hillarious!

3
00:00:02,920 --> 00:00:04,546
We're back in two minutes!

4
00:00:04,713 --> 00:00:06,256
So are you going to
ask out the Head?

5
00:00:06,423 --> 00:00:07,424
The Head?

6
00:00:07,591 --> 00:00:10,093
There are these two MSNBC guys
we keep seeing around,

7
00:00:10,260 --> 00:00:13,013
and we don't know their names,
so we call them the Head and the Hair.

8
00:00:13,180 --> 00:00:14,431
How come?

9
00:00:14,598 --> 00:00:18,227
So what are you, like 6'2"?

10
00:00:19,857 --> 00:00:22,100
6'5".

11
00:00:22,270 --> 00:00:23,195
Wow.

12
00:00:23,355 --> 00:00:25,239
I see you're looking at my watch.

13
00:00:25,408 --> 00:00:26,158
What?

14
00:00:26,319 --> 00:00:27,313
It's cool, isn't it?
15
00:00:27,485 --> 00:00:28,773
That's a Japanese pie watch.

16
00:00:28,947 --> 00:00:29,861
Oh, okay.

17
00:00:30,036 --> 00:00:31,651
It tells time with
those little pie pieces.

18
00:00:31,827 --> 00:00:33,490
Each piece is six minutes.

19
00:00:33,656 --> 00:00:36,953
So right now,
it's six times four.

20
00:00:37,127 --> 00:00:39,281
5:30. That can't be right.

21
00:00:39,457 --> 00:00:42,750
My watch has these little hands
that go around and point at numbers.

22
00:00:42,915 --> 00:00:44,543
Hey, that's awesome, possum.

23
00:00:44,717 --> 00:00:45,582
One minute!

24
00:00:45,757 --> 00:00:48,503
The point is,
the Hair is ridiculously good looking.

25
00:00:48,675 --> 00:00:49,041
It's true.

26
00:00:49,216 --> 00:00:50,501
He makes me nervous just to be around.

27
00:00:50,675 --> 00:00:53,673
And the Head is perfectly harmless
and totally into Ms. Liz Lemon.

28
00:00:53,846 --> 00:00:53,921
Hmm...

29
00:00:54,096 --> 00:00:56,510
Not as much as
he's into his pie watch.

30
00:00:56,686 --> 00:00:58,473
I think the Head sounds perfect
for you right now.

31
00:00:58,648 --> 00:01:01,140
I mean, low pressure,
high nerd factor, come on.

32
00:01:01,315 --> 00:01:01,720
If you're serious

33
00:01:01,895 --> 00:01:03,231
about getting your personal life on track,

34
00:01:03,395 --> 00:01:04,102
you need to work at it.

35
00:01:04,275 --> 00:01:06,103
Okay, fine!
I'll ask him out.

36
00:01:06,277 --> 00:01:07,192
I win.

37
00:01:07,357 --> 00:01:08,481
No, the French maid werewolf thing is cut.

38
00:01:08,655 --> 00:01:10,190
You're supposed to be
Hillary Clinton right now.

39
00:01:10,366 --> 00:01:11,322
What? Pete!

40
00:01:11,487 --> 00:01:12,902
- Gary!
- Lutz!

41
00:01:13,076 --> 00:01:15,202
What do you think sounds like
the better idea for a new show?

42
00:01:15,365 --> 00:01:18,163
A talk show without a host,
just the voice of the dead lady

43
00:01:18,328 --> 00:01:19,160
from Desperate Housewives,

44
00:01:19,327 --> 00:01:25,831
or a reality show with a lot of super hot nannies
who move into a house and help fat kids lose weight?

45
00:01:26,007 --> 00:01:27,002
Never mind.

46
00:01:27,176 --> 00:01:31,962
This television programming stuff
is just one unpredictable ass ache,

47
00:01:32,136 --> 00:01:34,880
and I want you to get it out of here.

48
00:01:35,057 --> 00:01:35,760
Kenneth, please.

49
00:01:35,928 --> 00:01:36,763
Come in.

50
00:01:36,935 --> 00:01:39,470
Is this about the clementine
I took off the actors' snack table?

51
00:01:39,646 --> 00:01:41,012
Because the catering lady
already talked to me.

52
00:01:41,187 --> 00:01:42,471
No, no.

53
00:01:42,648 --> 00:01:45,932
No, I wanted to talk to you
about our corporate "Bottoms Up" day.

54
00:01:46,108 --> 00:01:48,602
Once a year,
all the Senior VPs spend one day

55
00:01:48,777 --> 00:01:51,650
doing the job of one
of our lowest level employees.

56
00:01:51,826 --> 00:01:57,152
Last year I was a welder
at one of our locomotive factories,
and I made this.

57
00:01:57,326 --> 00:01:58,533
And this year,

58
00:01:58,708 --> 00:02:01,373
I'll be a page for a day,
and you'll be my boss.

59
00:02:01,535 --> 00:02:02,740
Thank you, sir.

60
00:02:02,916 --> 00:02:05,160
That's how the "Bottoms Up" program works.

61
00:02:05,336 --> 00:02:07,712
I'm going to be your bottom, Kenneth.

62
00:02:07,877 --> 00:02:12,591
And I want you to ride me
as hard as you can.

63
00:02:29,948 --> 00:02:32,112
Dude, this party was messed up!

64
00:02:32,275 --> 00:02:34,073
They had girls dancing in cages.

65
00:02:34,237 --> 00:02:39,032
And not the go-go cages, the little dog cages
that you crate pit bulls in.

66
00:02:39,206 --> 00:02:40,163
That is awesome.

67
00:02:40,326 --> 00:02:41,871
- That is upsetting.
- That is awesome.

68
00:02:42,037 --> 00:02:43,032
It couldn't have been
that great a party.

69
00:02:43,207 --> 00:02:45,662
You're on time to work
for the first time ever.

70
00:02:45,837 --> 00:02:46,872
January 17th.

71
00:02:47,048 --> 00:02:49,122
Write it down, Cerie.
It's historic.

72
00:02:49,295 --> 00:02:51,081
How dare you, Liz Lemon?

73
00:02:51,257 --> 00:02:52,712
I'm not arriving to work.

74
00:02:52,887 --> 00:02:56,802
I left the party on a bacon run.

75
00:02:56,967 --> 00:02:59,131
Write it down, Cerie.
January 17th.

76
00:02:59,307 --> 00:03:01,841
Just like every other day.

77
00:03:02,016 --> 00:03:03,602
Oh, what's today's date?

78
00:03:03,768 --> 00:03:05,261
January 17th.

79
00:03:05,437 --> 00:03:06,723
2007?

80
00:03:06,896 --> 00:03:08,602
- Yeah.
- Ah, dammit!
81
00:03:08,778 --> 00:03:09,943
I knew this was going to happen.

82
00:03:10,108 --> 00:03:11,442
Toofer, pass me some paper.

83
00:03:11,607 --> 00:03:12,520
What's wrong?

84
00:03:12,695 --> 00:03:16,652
My autobiography is due tomorrow.

85
00:03:23,456 --> 00:03:24,120
Morning, boss.

86
00:03:24,287 --> 00:03:25,243
I'm sorry I'm late.

87
00:03:25,418 --> 00:03:27,833
Well, don't let it happen again.

88
00:03:28,008 --> 00:03:29,831
Are you ready for an exciting
and challenging day?

89
00:03:30,005 --> 00:03:31,172
You bet.

90
00:03:31,336 --> 00:03:32,333
(Tracy) Yo!

91
00:03:32,508 --> 00:03:35,211
Me, Toofer, and Frank are gonna
be writing my book all day long,

92
00:03:35,385 --> 00:03:37,841
and I think my snake is sick,
so I need you to go out to my car

93
00:03:38,015 --> 00:03:41,680
and rub his belly 'til he poops.

94
00:03:41,848 --> 00:03:45,102
Our first assignment.
95
00:03:45,858 --> 00:03:47,472
This is so annoying.

96
00:03:47,648 --> 00:03:51,313
I just went down to the ATM to get money,
and it gave me a hundred-dollar bill.

97
00:03:51,488 --> 00:03:52,600
- So?
- So?

98
00:03:52,776 --> 00:03:55,313
It's like having Confederate money.
No one's going to take that.

99
00:03:55,486 --> 00:03:56,152
Whatever.

100
00:03:56,328 --> 00:03:58,821
It'll give you something interesting
to talk to the Head about.

101
00:03:58,988 --> 00:04:00,283
Oh, yeah. Am I doing that?

102
00:04:00,448 --> 00:04:03,413
Yeah, right now.

103
00:04:08,795 --> 00:04:09,581
Hi, can I help you?

104
00:04:09,755 --> 00:04:13,210
Yes, I'm looking for... the Head?

105
00:04:13,376 --> 00:04:14,463
The head of what?

106
00:04:14,635 --> 00:04:15,710
Yeah, how am I going to do this?

107
00:04:15,886 --> 00:04:17,500
Hi. What are you doing up here?

108
00:04:17,705 --> 00:04:20,593
Oh, Chris Matthews owes me ten bucks.

109
00:04:20,767 --> 00:04:22,473
Yeah, you'll never get that.

110
00:04:22,637 --> 00:04:24,222
My name is Gray, by the way.

111
00:04:24,386 --> 00:04:24,933
You know, it's kind of funny.

112
00:04:25,096 --> 00:04:28,182
My friend Jenna and I didn't know your name,
so we've been calling you the Hair.

113
00:04:28,355 --> 00:04:29,560
The Hair?

114
00:04:29,727 --> 00:04:31,733
How would you like it
if I called you Glasses?

115
00:04:31,897 --> 00:04:32,682
I would be fine with that.

116
00:04:32,858 --> 00:04:34,811
Oh, good, because that's
what I've been calling you.

117
00:04:34,986 --> 00:04:37,561
Which was no help when I was trying
to find your extension.

118
00:04:37,738 --> 00:04:38,861
Why were you trying to find my extension?

119
00:04:39,028 --> 00:04:40,692
I have a friend who's opening up
a new restaurant in SoHo,

120
00:04:40,865 --> 00:04:41,941
and I was hoping
that you'd go with me.

121
00:04:42,117 --> 00:04:43,071
What?
122
00:04:43,246 --> 00:04:46,741
Do you want to go out with me tonight?

123
00:04:46,917 --> 00:04:48,243
Why?

124
00:04:48,416 --> 00:04:53,002
Because it would be fun.
And you seem cool.

125
00:04:53,507 --> 00:04:54,253
What?

126
00:04:54,418 --> 00:04:55,790
1979.

127
00:04:55,966 --> 00:05:00,500
I was looking for some money in my mother's room,
and I found some naked pictures under her mattress.

128
00:05:00,678 --> 00:05:04,840
She was just sitting there in her house coat,
holding one of her boobs like this.

129
00:05:05,016 --> 00:05:08,012
I knew she must have taken
those pictures for her boyfriend Sonny.

130
00:05:08,185 --> 00:05:09,681
Because Sonny used to come over twice a month.

131
00:05:09,856 --> 00:05:13,061
You knew when Sonny was coming over,
'cause she would take us to the store

132
00:05:13,237 --> 00:05:16,902
and buy two steaks
and a bottle of Nair with cocoa butter.

133
00:05:17,068 --> 00:05:19,652
How many pages do we have now?

134
00:05:19,826 --> 00:05:21,233
Five.
135
00:05:21,408 --> 00:05:23,072
Make the letters bigger, Toof.

136
00:05:23,248 --> 00:05:29,160
According to Wikipedia,
you were discovered after doing stand-up
at the Apollo in 1984.

137
00:05:29,327 --> 00:05:32,200
I have no memory of that.
Write it up.

138
00:05:32,376 --> 00:05:36,543
Here is your salad.
And your change.

139
00:05:37,086 --> 00:05:38,290
Oh, no.

140
00:05:38,468 --> 00:05:39,840
Dude, is this spinach?

141
00:05:40,008 --> 00:05:41,962
Yes, you, uh--

142
00:05:42,136 --> 00:05:43,551
You asked for a spinach salad.

143
00:05:43,716 --> 00:05:46,340
No, I like the stuff
that comes on the spinach salad,

144
00:05:46,510 --> 00:05:48,845
but I wanted it with romaine.

145
00:05:49,015 --> 00:05:50,899
So you want me to take it back?

146
00:05:51,058 --> 00:05:53,608
I'm supposed to treat you like Kenneth, right?

147
00:05:53,779 --> 00:05:54,313
Yes.

148
00:05:54,476 --> 00:05:55,890
Well, then, yeah, genius.

149
00:05:56,066 --> 00:05:57,441
Get me a new salad.

150
00:05:57,607 --> 00:06:01,863
Or get me a time machine
so I can go back in time and smack your mom

151
00:06:02,028 --> 00:06:05,113
for smoking crack
while she's pregnant.

152
00:06:05,288 --> 00:06:06,201
Too much?

153
00:06:06,368 --> 00:06:10,241
No, that's usually how it goes.

154
00:06:13,295 --> 00:06:15,413
Hey, what happened?
Did you ask him?

155
00:06:15,588 --> 00:06:16,540
Well, I was going to.

156
00:06:16,715 --> 00:06:17,542
Oh, Liz.

157
00:06:17,715 --> 00:06:20,752
But before I could,
the Hair asked me out.

158
00:06:20,926 --> 00:06:22,882
What? The the Hair?

159
00:06:23,055 --> 00:06:23,801
What did you say?

160
00:06:23,965 --> 00:06:24,923
I had to say yes.

161
00:06:25,098 --> 00:06:27,050
He looked at me
with those crazy handsome-guy eyes.
162
00:06:27,225 --> 00:06:29,513
It was like the Death Star tractor beam
when the Falcon is--

163
00:06:29,685 --> 00:06:30,093
No, Liz.

164
00:06:30,267 --> 00:06:31,643
Do not talk about stuff like that
on your date.

165
00:06:31,808 --> 00:06:33,262
Guys like that do not like Star Trek.

166
00:06:33,436 --> 00:06:34,562
Wars!

167
00:06:34,727 --> 00:06:36,603
I'm sorry.
You're right.

168
00:06:36,777 --> 00:06:38,733
I don't go out on dates
with guys like Gray.

169
00:06:38,898 --> 00:06:40,022
It feels wrong.

170
00:06:40,196 --> 00:06:43,610
He's the Hair,
and I am a Head-plus, at best.

171
00:06:43,777 --> 00:06:48,153
Or maybe you really are the Hair
and I'm the Head in our relationship.

172
00:06:48,328 --> 00:06:49,320
Oh, God, no.

173
00:06:49,497 --> 00:06:50,950
Something is wrong with this.

174
00:06:51,118 --> 00:06:53,282
I have upset the natural balance of things.

175
00:06:53,458 --> 00:06:54,950
Good morning, ladies.
I'm making a coffee run.

176
00:06:55,125 --> 00:06:59,412
Would either of you care for anything?

177
00:07:00,176 --> 00:07:03,542
Liz and Jenna, nothing.

178
00:07:06,558 --> 00:07:07,762
What's happening?

179
00:07:07,925 --> 00:07:10,723
I don't know.

180
00:07:13,185 --> 00:07:15,970
Good God, what does that man doing here?

181
00:07:16,145 --> 00:07:16,853
I don't know.

182
00:07:17,027 --> 00:07:18,563
I've never met Brian Williams,

183
00:07:18,738 --> 00:07:22,020
but his dressing room has to be
cleaned up every day between 11 and 11:30.

184
00:07:22,195 --> 00:07:25,821
That way, by the time Mr. Williams
gets back from the liquor store,
it's nice and tidy.

185
00:07:25,986 --> 00:07:30,530
Kenneth, a friend of mine tipped me off
about a position in our aviation division.

186
00:07:30,707 --> 00:07:33,201
It's entry level only, of course.

187
00:07:33,377 --> 00:07:35,663
Is this tube sock
filled with bird seed?

188
00:07:35,836 --> 00:07:36,373
Yes, sir.

189
00:07:36,548 --> 00:07:39,200
Just put it in the basket
with the others.

190
00:07:39,377 --> 00:07:41,872
At any rate, I'd be happy
to put in a good word for you.

191
00:07:42,047 --> 00:07:42,672
What?

192
00:07:42,838 --> 00:07:43,672
And leave show business?

193
00:07:43,835 --> 00:07:45,342
No, thank you.

194
00:07:45,506 --> 00:07:46,802
Kenneth, what's your plan?

195
00:07:46,965 --> 00:07:51,513
Well, I like to start cleaning in one corner,
and then work my way across the room in a zig-zag.

196
00:07:51,685 --> 00:07:53,180
No, no, no. Your life plan.

197
00:07:53,347 --> 00:07:54,603
You're learning nothing here.

198
00:07:54,766 --> 00:07:55,723
You're doing nothing here.

199
00:07:55,897 --> 00:07:58,023
You're a punching bag.

200
00:07:58,186 --> 00:07:59,472
I like this job.

201
00:07:59,645 --> 00:08:04,692
Kenneth, this is not a job.
This is an exercise in constant humiliation.

202
00:08:04,868 --> 00:08:06,150
You're fired.

203
00:08:06,326 --> 00:08:08,440
I beg your pardon?

204
00:08:08,615 --> 00:08:13,491
You said I'm your boss for today.
So I fire you.

205
00:08:35,725 --> 00:08:38,511
How ya doin'?

206
00:08:38,935 --> 00:08:40,561
Liz!

207
00:08:40,727 --> 00:08:42,893
Hi.

208
00:08:43,066 --> 00:08:47,900
This is Kiara, Francesca,
that's Talbot and that's Armand.

209
00:08:48,076 --> 00:08:48,821
Hello.

210
00:08:48,987 --> 00:08:49,653
Would you like something to drink?

211
00:08:49,825 --> 00:08:53,990
- Yes, Pinot Grigio.
- I'll be right back.

212
00:08:54,157 --> 00:08:56,871
Is that bad?

213
00:08:57,958 --> 00:08:58,990
So...

214
00:08:59,167 --> 00:09:00,081
you guys been

215
00:09:00,247 --> 00:09:03,211
watching Heroes?

216
00:09:04,168 --> 00:09:07,670
I like the Japanese dude.

217
00:09:08,008 --> 00:09:12,132
The hors d'oeuvres tonight are boxes of pure oxygen
infused with a saffron and a white truffle oil.

218
00:09:12,307 --> 00:09:14,552
Wow.

219
00:09:15,805 --> 00:09:19,053
Hey, how is it going?

220
00:09:20,436 --> 00:09:21,391
Terrifying.

221
00:09:21,568 --> 00:09:22,100
It's too much.

222
00:09:22,276 --> 00:09:23,813
I just want to go home
and watch that show about midgets

223
00:09:23,988 --> 00:09:25,811
and eat a block of cheddar cheese.

224
00:09:25,988 --> 00:09:28,862
If it makes you feel any better,
I've discovered I'm not a Head.

225
00:09:29,026 --> 00:09:30,652
I'll talk to you later.

226
00:09:30,825 --> 00:09:34,443
Let's put the fun in funky.

227
00:09:41,706 --> 00:09:43,001
Hey!

228
00:09:43,168 --> 00:09:44,450
Hey, what are you doing?

229
00:09:44,627 --> 00:09:48,793
Sorry, that party was just
a little too awesome for me.
230
00:09:48,968 --> 00:09:51,252
Do you want to go someplace else,
just the two of us?

231
00:09:51,427 --> 00:09:53,301
Okay, what's your game, friend?

232
00:09:53,468 --> 00:09:55,511
Game? There's no game.

233
00:09:55,678 --> 00:09:56,341
What are you talking about?

234
00:09:56,517 --> 00:09:58,260
I don't have any money,
if that's what you're after.

235
00:09:58,435 --> 00:10:00,930
And I'm not one of those girls
that does weird stuff in bed,

236
00:10:01,106 --> 00:10:02,560
because they think they have to.

237
00:10:02,727 --> 00:10:05,982
If you're a gay guy looking for a beard,
I don't do that anymore.

238
00:10:06,146 --> 00:10:10,770
And if you're trying to harvest my organs and sell them,
I have an uncle who's a cop, so don't even try it.

239
00:10:10,947 --> 00:10:15,691
Hey, we all have uncles who are cops,
so just take it down a notch.

240
00:10:15,868 --> 00:10:17,652
No hundreds. Small bills.

241
00:10:17,825 --> 00:10:19,323
Oh, I knew this was going to happen.

242
00:10:19,496 --> 00:10:20,282
Store policy.

243
00:10:20,455 --> 00:10:23,242
Yeah, that's an illegal policy.
You have to take this.

244
00:10:23,417 --> 00:10:24,291
No, I don't.

245
00:10:24,456 --> 00:10:25,371
Yeah, sir. You do.

246
00:10:25,546 --> 00:10:28,211
See? It says right here:
"Legal tender for all debts
public and private."

247
00:10:28,377 --> 00:10:30,713
Does it say anything about $100
for a bottle of water?

248
00:10:30,887 --> 00:10:32,673
You can't decide
what money you'll accept.

249
00:10:32,847 --> 00:10:34,512
- That's illegal.
- It's an illegal policy.

250
00:10:34,677 --> 00:10:35,510
You're holding up the line.

251
00:10:35,675 --> 00:10:39,550
No, you're holding up the line.

252
00:10:50,858 --> 00:10:51,902
1998.

253
00:10:52,065 --> 00:10:57,113
Well, I spent most of the summer
in the studio doing my Christmas album, which was huge.

254
00:10:57,286 --> 00:11:00,161
I'm almost afraid to ask.
What Christmas album?

255
00:11:00,325 --> 00:11:03,160
* Imagine Christmas wishes
256
00:11:03,335 --> 00:11:06,583
* Shooting out of your eyes

257
00:11:06,757 --> 00:11:07,870
* A candy cake

258
00:11:08,047 --> 00:11:09,461
* Full of snow dreams

259
00:11:09,627 --> 00:11:13,253
* A stocking full of smiles

260
00:11:14,887 --> 00:11:17,213
* It's a Jordan Christmas *

261
00:11:17,386 --> 00:11:21,130
I remember that.
That video was raunchy.

262
00:11:21,307 --> 00:11:23,723
Mm-hmm.

263
00:11:26,105 --> 00:11:26,431
Hi.

264
00:11:26,605 --> 00:11:27,431
Hi.

265
00:11:27,608 --> 00:11:29,600
- Did you get home okay last night?
- Yeah.

266
00:11:29,776 --> 00:11:31,400
Thank you for convincing me
to go back to the party.

267
00:11:31,567 --> 00:11:32,521
It was fun.

268
00:11:32,696 --> 00:11:34,902
Although I ate way too much oxygen.

269
00:11:35,078 --> 00:11:39,282
Yeah, you actually got a little oxygen
right there on your... coat.
270
00:11:39,447 --> 00:11:40,703
Thank you.

271
00:11:40,866 --> 00:11:44,990
This is going to sound pathetic,
but I'm kind of trying to make myself do new things,

272
00:11:45,168 --> 00:11:46,833
and last night was

273
00:11:46,996 --> 00:11:49,580
all new for me,
so that's good.

274
00:11:49,758 --> 00:11:52,831
Okay, so here's something else
I bet you've never done before.

275
00:11:53,007 --> 00:11:55,423
Call in sick to work
and go see a movie.

276
00:11:55,598 --> 00:11:56,130
A movie?

277
00:11:56,307 --> 00:11:56,922
A movie.

278
00:11:57,096 --> 00:11:58,050
- With you.
- With me.

279
00:11:58,215 --> 00:12:00,763
- Now.
- Right now.

280
00:12:00,925 --> 00:12:03,391
Come on.

281
00:12:04,397 --> 00:12:05,930
Good.

282
00:12:06,108 --> 00:12:07,971
Oh, Pete, it's me.
283
00:12:08,148 --> 00:12:13,022
I'm not coming in.
I have a flu thing, and I'm--

284
00:12:16,446 --> 00:12:20,113
I just barfed on 6th Avenue.

285
00:12:20,997 --> 00:12:22,610
Hi, Jack.

286
00:12:22,785 --> 00:12:24,572
I was, uh--

287
00:12:24,745 --> 00:12:26,701
This is Gray.

288
00:12:26,876 --> 00:12:29,831
Nice to meet you.

289
00:12:30,006 --> 00:12:33,620
Lemon, you're looking
a little under the weather.

290
00:12:33,795 --> 00:12:37,292
Maybe you should go home.

291
00:12:40,098 --> 00:12:42,551
Come on.

292
00:12:46,556 --> 00:12:48,100
Kenneth, do you have a minute?

293
00:12:48,265 --> 00:12:49,933
I sure don't.

294
00:12:50,107 --> 00:12:53,391
Kenneth, you and I actually
have a lot in common.

295
00:12:53,565 --> 00:12:54,651
We're both hard workers.

296
00:12:54,815 --> 00:12:57,733
When I was your age,
I was putting myself through college in Boston,
297
00:12:57,905 --> 00:13:00,401
paddling swan boats for the tourists.

298
00:13:00,575 --> 00:13:02,783
Is that a euphemism
for some kind of sex worker?

299
00:13:02,956 --> 00:13:07,202
Kenneth, my point is, I worked hard,
because I wanted to get somewhere.

300
00:13:07,376 --> 00:13:08,580
I had drive.

301
00:13:08,745 --> 00:13:16,330
And it disappoints me to see you without a dream,
content with this meaningless, pitiful job.

302
00:13:17,388 --> 00:13:21,210
Do you know why I put up
with this pitiful job, Mr. Donaghy?

303
00:13:21,386 --> 00:13:24,682
Why I fetch these folks' lunches
and clean up their barfs?

304
00:13:24,845 --> 00:13:27,221
Because they make television.

305
00:13:27,396 --> 00:13:35,020
And more than jazz, or musical theater,
or morbid obesity, television is the true American art form.

306
00:13:35,197 --> 00:13:38,813
Think of all the shared experiences
television has provided for us.

307
00:13:38,988 --> 00:13:43,030
From the moon landing
to the Golden Girls finale.

308
00:13:43,197 --> 00:13:49,411
From Walter Cronkite denouncing Vietnam
to Oprah pulling that trash bag of fat out in a wagon.

309
00:13:49,586 --> 00:13:53,372
From the glory and the pageantry
of the Summer Olympics

310
00:13:53,545 --> 00:13:55,542
to the less fun Winter Olympics.

311
00:13:55,716 --> 00:14:00,000
So please, don't tell me
I don't have a dream, sir.

312
00:14:00,177 --> 00:14:03,420
I am living my dream.

313
00:14:03,967 --> 00:14:05,723
Oh, my.

314
00:14:05,886 --> 00:14:09,050
How did he get that up there?

315
00:14:09,225 --> 00:14:12,261
I wish I shared your passion
for television, Kenneth.

316
00:14:12,436 --> 00:14:14,220
Which show would you rather watch?

317
00:14:14,396 --> 00:14:19,061
An ex-porn star who talks to ghosts,
or a remake of Little House on the Prairie?

318
00:14:19,235 --> 00:14:20,151
Neither.

319
00:14:20,318 --> 00:14:22,573
I want to see a show
where women get their hair done,

320
00:14:22,736 --> 00:14:24,650
while listening to salsa music.

321
00:14:24,825 --> 00:14:26,571
I also have an idea for a cop show.

322
00:14:26,747 --> 00:14:29,161
Called K-9, exclamation point.
323
00:14:29,327 --> 00:14:32,161
Oh, and a game show called Gold Case.

324
00:14:32,335 --> 00:14:40,000
It's a cross between Deal or No Deal
and Millionaire, with a charming celebrity host to be determined.

325
00:14:40,177 --> 00:14:41,253
Go on.

326
00:14:41,427 --> 00:14:42,961
It's called Gold Case.

327
00:14:43,138 --> 00:14:45,920
It's Deal or No Deal meets Millionaire.

328
00:14:46,097 --> 00:14:49,053
There are ten models,
each holding an identical briefcase,

329
00:14:49,226 --> 00:14:52,182
but one of them is filled with gold.

330
00:14:52,355 --> 00:14:55,351
Have you pitched this idea to anybody else?

331
00:14:55,528 --> 00:14:58,771
Well, I talked to Moonvest over at CBS.

332
00:14:58,948 --> 00:15:03,820
Les Moonves, president of CBS,
knows about this?

333
00:15:05,367 --> 00:15:08,073
Hey, Moonvest,
I got an idea for a game show last night.

334
00:15:08,248 --> 00:15:09,362
Give me your fingernails!

335
00:15:09,536 --> 00:15:11,702
No!

336
00:15:12,077 --> 00:15:13,991
We've got to move fast.

337
00:15:14,166 --> 00:15:18,041
Mr. Parcell, we love Gold Case.

338
00:15:18,296 --> 00:15:21,792
How do we make...
your show?

339
00:15:21,966 --> 00:15:25,340
I thought y'all would know
where to get cameras and stuff.

340
00:15:25,505 --> 00:15:28,013
I think he means,
"How much do you want for it?"

341
00:15:28,176 --> 00:15:29,553
Oh.

342
00:15:29,728 --> 00:15:34,892
As far as compensation goes,
I would like to be officially the head of the pages,

343
00:15:35,066 --> 00:15:38,143
and I need a new clock radio.

344
00:15:38,318 --> 00:15:42,692
You've got it up there,
now snap it off.

345
00:15:43,527 --> 00:15:47,363
Also I want five points on the back end,
20% gross on merchandizing,

346
00:15:47,536 --> 00:15:50,900
and a creator credit
on this and any international editions.

347
00:15:51,078 --> 00:15:54,162
And a clock radio.

348
00:15:55,376 --> 00:15:57,040
We're a go.

349
00:15:57,206 --> 00:15:58,702
Congratulations.

350
00:15:58,877 --> 00:16:01,171
Thank you.

351
00:16:01,335 --> 00:16:05,462
Woke up in the camper at the auto show,
and that's how 2006 ended.

352
00:16:05,638 --> 00:16:06,752
2007?

353
00:16:06,928 --> 00:16:07,593
I can't believe this.

354
00:16:07,757 --> 00:16:09,462
We're actually going to pull this off.

355
00:16:09,638 --> 00:16:14,682
It was early January 2007
when I got the idea to write my autobiography.

356
00:16:14,857 --> 00:16:19,061
So I took a meeting at Random House,
and I went in and talked to this editor about it,

357
00:16:19,227 --> 00:16:24,152
and this dude looked me straight in the eyes and said,
"No, Mr. Jordan. No, thank you.

358
00:16:24,317 --> 00:16:27,861
We do not want your book."

359
00:16:28,488 --> 00:16:30,153
Oops, my bad.

360
00:16:30,327 --> 00:16:31,203
That's on me.

361
00:16:31,365 --> 00:16:34,163
Shut it down.

362
00:16:40,256 --> 00:16:41,083
No way.

363
00:16:41,256 --> 00:16:45,290
Your elevator opens right
into your apartment?

364
00:16:45,468 --> 00:16:46,502
Are you coming in?

365
00:16:46,675 --> 00:16:48,881
I don't know.
This is new for me.

366
00:16:49,058 --> 00:16:52,012
I don't really hang out
with superfluously handsome gentlemen

367
00:16:52,175 --> 00:16:55,800
in kick-ass elevator lofts.

368
00:16:57,556 --> 00:16:59,890
What else don't you do?

369
00:17:00,068 --> 00:17:01,640
I don't smoke.

370
00:17:01,815 --> 00:17:04,941
I don't use any drugs,
except for my allergy medicine.

371
00:17:05,108 --> 00:17:08,401
I don't download music
without paying for it.

372
00:17:08,576 --> 00:17:10,613
And I never wear flip-flops. Ever.

373
00:17:10,788 --> 00:17:12,111
It's gross.

374
00:17:12,287 --> 00:17:15,243
Real? It's real.

375
00:17:16,037 --> 00:17:17,621
I do not sit on laps.

376
00:17:17,785 --> 00:17:18,331
Really?
377
00:17:18,495 --> 00:17:20,792
No, not a lap-sitter.
Never have been.

378
00:17:20,955 --> 00:17:24,291
Nice to see you again.

379
00:17:25,088 --> 00:17:28,042
I thought you were trying new things.

380
00:17:28,218 --> 00:17:30,500
Okay.

381
00:17:32,056 --> 00:17:35,472
It's just-- It's a small girl thing,
it's not a grown lady thing.

382
00:17:35,637 --> 00:17:36,550
Okay.

383
00:17:36,727 --> 00:17:37,891
All right, there you go.

384
00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:39,813
Okay?

385
00:17:39,978 --> 00:17:40,763
Mm-hmm.

386
00:17:40,935 --> 00:17:42,983
See? It's not so bad.

387
00:17:43,148 --> 00:17:46,142
No, it's not bad.

388
00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:47,313
I can't--

389
00:17:47,488 --> 00:17:49,233
I keep waiting for something to go wrong.

390
00:17:49,407 --> 00:17:52,323
Liz, I am not gay,
I am not married,
391
00:17:52,486 --> 00:17:55,283
I don't have a human head in my freezer.

392
00:17:55,456 --> 00:17:58,370
Yeah, but you're the Hair.

393
00:17:58,605 --> 00:18:01,451
And so are you.

394
00:18:02,247 --> 00:18:03,331
Okay, we're going to do this, then.

395
00:18:03,506 --> 00:18:05,912
Mm-hmm.

396
00:18:08,677 --> 00:18:11,343
Why do you have a picture
of my great-aunt Dolly?

397
00:18:11,507 --> 00:18:15,550
Uh, no, that's my grandmother's cousin Dolly.

398
00:18:15,727 --> 00:18:17,090
Dolly Harlan.

399
00:18:17,267 --> 00:18:18,393
No, I said Dolly...

400
00:18:18,558 --> 00:18:19,760
... Harlan.

401
00:18:19,937 --> 00:18:20,931
From Smithtown.

402
00:18:21,106 --> 00:18:22,682
Oh, my God.
We're related.

403
00:18:22,856 --> 00:18:24,432
Oh, no. Oh, God.

404
00:18:24,607 --> 00:18:24,932
Wow.
405
00:18:25,107 --> 00:18:27,903
This is the worst!

406
00:18:28,065 --> 00:18:31,191
Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt were fifth cousins.

407
00:18:31,365 --> 00:18:33,862
Okay, on the count of three,
say what level of cousins

408
00:18:34,038 --> 00:18:35,693
we would have to be
for this to be okay.

409
00:18:35,865 --> 00:18:37,360
One, two, three.

410
00:18:37,536 --> 00:18:38,613
- Fifth.
- Unacceptable, no matter what.

411
00:18:38,788 --> 00:18:39,992
This is never going to work.

412
00:18:40,168 --> 00:18:42,240
Of course it's not.
It never was.

413
00:18:42,418 --> 00:18:45,452
This is what I get
for trying to be somebody I am not.

414
00:18:45,626 --> 00:18:46,872
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

415
00:18:47,046 --> 00:18:48,873
Look, look.

416
00:18:49,048 --> 00:18:50,292
I meant what I said earlier.

417
00:18:50,467 --> 00:18:52,041
You are a Hair, Liz Lemon.

418
00:18:52,217 --> 00:18:53,633
It's in our blood.

419
00:18:53,808 --> 00:18:55,383
Accept it.

420
00:18:55,557 --> 00:18:58,223
Embrace it.

421
00:18:59,438 --> 00:19:00,683
I think we're third cousins.

422
00:19:00,845 --> 00:19:04,893
Yeah, I'll see you at the reunion.

423
00:19:08,778 --> 00:19:13,072
Kind of wish you had a door right now.

424
00:19:20,247 --> 00:19:21,410
All right, Jeff.

425
00:19:21,578 --> 00:19:28,251
One of these briefcases
is filled with a million dollars'
worth of solid gold.

426
00:19:28,418 --> 00:19:29,790
Are you ready?

427
00:19:29,967 --> 00:19:33,211
Let's play Gold Case!

428
00:19:39,518 --> 00:19:41,513
That one.

429
00:19:41,685 --> 00:19:43,143
Congratulations.

430
00:19:43,306 --> 00:19:47,063
You struck gold on Gold Case.

431
00:19:47,935 --> 00:19:50,061
- Uh-oh.
- What?

432
00:19:50,235 --> 00:19:52,353
That one.

433
00:19:52,528 --> 00:19:55,073
That one.

434
00:19:55,946 --> 00:19:58,493
That one.

435
00:19:58,788 --> 00:19:59,782
Congratulations.

436
00:19:59,958 --> 00:20:02,450
You struck gold on Gold Case.

437
00:20:02,616 --> 00:20:05,741
Oh, gold's real heavy, isn't it?

438
00:20:05,918 --> 00:20:07,290
This game doesn't work.

439
00:20:07,457 --> 00:20:08,792
Okay, my bad.
Shut it down.

440
00:20:08,956 --> 00:20:10,160
Shut it down!

441
00:20:10,336 --> 00:20:11,672
That's it!

442
00:20:11,836 --> 00:20:15,672
At least you got a clock radio
out of it, right?

443
00:20:15,845 --> 00:20:19,051
Whose idea was this?

444
00:20:19,345 --> 00:20:21,090
This is pathetic.

445
00:20:21,268 --> 00:20:25,302
A joke.
This whole show is a joke.
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
<font color="#ffff00" size=14>www.tvsubtitles.net</font>