1

00:00:18,760 --> 00:00:23,243

North Dakota. We can do this together.

2
00:00:23,320 --> 00:00:26,688
There is no "I" in freedom.

3
00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:30,284
Freedom is not "me-dom."

4
00:00:30,720 --> 00:00:32,609
- it's "we-dom."
- (SUPPORTERS CHEERING)

5
00:00:35,080 --> 00:00:38,209
I visited a dance studio
in Hartford, Connecticut.

6
00:00:38,280 --> 00:00:42,808
When I was there,
I met a brave firefighter in a wheelchair.

7
00:00:43,200 --> 00:00:46,966
Back then, we didn't know
what HIV positive was.

8
00:00:47,440 --> 00:00:50,125
Which meant he had to lose his kidney.

9
00:00:50,720 --> 00:00:53,041
He shook my hand and he said,

10
00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:56,249
"You don't remember me,

11
00:00:56,320 --> 00:00:58,721
"but I am your grandpa."

12
00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:00,366
(SUPPORTERS CHEERING)

13
00:01:03,280 --> 00:01:07,126
The next governor of Ohio, Roger Furlong.

14
00:01:08,320 --> 00:01:10,721
- I fluffed 'em, now go fuck 'em.
- Oh, shove it.

15
00:01:10,840 --> 00:01:13,040
- All the ladies in the house say "free."
- WOMEN: Free!

16
00:01:13,760 --> 00:01:16,161
- All the men in the house say "dom."
- MEN: Dom!

17
00:01:16,360 --> 00:01:18,328
Thank you! Thank you!

18
00:01:18,760 --> 00:01:20,330
- Wow, this is amazing.
- Right?

19
00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:22,209
- It's like a happy Nuremberg.
- I know.

20
00:01:22,280 --> 00:01:24,248
Where'd the Red Sea go?
That ladyjust parted it.

21
00:01:24,320 --> 00:01:28,564
SELINA: (LAUGHING) Hey, POTUS needs
to know about this 'cause Meyer's on fire.

22
00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:31,649
We just lost the Florida
third, fifth, and sixth.

23
00:01:31,720 --> 00:01:34,530
Great, so much for the
retired mobster vote.

24
00:01:34,720 --> 00:01:38,167
Florida, ought to break it off
at Jacksonville and row it to Cuba.

25
00:01:38,240 --> 00:01:40,561
Sir, the west coast exit
polls are looking bad.

26
00:01:40,640 --> 00:01:41,926
What about New England?
27
00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:44,651
Worse than the JPAC's
worst projection, sir.

28
00:01:44,720 --> 00:01:47,451
Are you getting ready
to dump a bucket of pig's blood on my head?

29
00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:49,045
Uh, no. No, sir.

30
00:01:50,440 --> 00:01:52,204
- Thank you. Thank you, sir.
- Yeah.

31
00:01:53,400 --> 00:01:58,850
Dale, I'm so sorry. What are we gonna do
without you in the Senate?

32
00:01:59,400 --> 00:02:01,129
On, they...

33
00:02:01,880 --> 00:02:03,484
Yeah.

34
00:02:04,360 --> 00:02:07,125
Yeah, you lost, Dale.

35
00:02:07,200 --> 00:02:08,645
(WHISPERING) on, my God.

36
00:02:08,880 --> 00:02:12,123
And, actually, I was told
that you'd been told.

37
00:02:13,520 --> 00:02:16,330
Right. Sounds like you're
in a public place there, Dale,

38
00:02:16,400 --> 00:02:18,880
so you got to... You got to breathe deep.

39
00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:21,804
Hang in there, buddy. I got to go. (GROANS)
40
00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:23,450
We just lost the New Hampshire first.

41
00:02:23,520 --> 00:02:25,409
Okay, great. Everybody hates us.

42
00:02:25,480 --> 00:02:28,609
You know what? I'm beginning to hate us.
I mean, this is POTUS's fault

43
00:02:28,680 --> 00:02:32,207
because, guys,
I killed it at every campaign visit, right?

44
00:02:32,280 --> 00:02:34,328
Yeah, you did.
My girlfriend said you are a rock star.

45
00:02:34,400 --> 00:02:36,164
There was a lot
of love for you on the campaign trail.

46
00:02:36,240 --> 00:02:38,200
- Yeah, a lot of love.
- No, not for you, Marjorie.

47
00:02:38,240 --> 00:02:40,481
In fact, that's probably why you lost
the New Jersey fifth.

48
00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:42,164
- Good-bye.
- You know what?

49
00:02:42,240 --> 00:02:44,083
This is time for POTUS to start honoring

50
00:02:44,160 --> 00:02:45,685
- his ticket promises to me.
- Mmm-hmm.

51
00:02:45,760 --> 00:02:47,091
SELINA: I want my regular

52
00:02:47,160 --> 00:02:48,280
- one-on-one meetings.
- Hello?

53
00:02:48,320 --> 00:02:51,290
I want more responsibilities
in infrastructure and education reform.

54
00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:53,846
I want an expanded role
in deficit reduction talks.

55
00:02:53,920 --> 00:02:56,685
I want a Cartier fucking dildo.

56
00:02:56,760 --> 00:02:59,366
- Hmm? Oh! Oh...(CHUCKLES)
- SELINA: Hey, Ame, are you listening?

57
00:02:59,440 --> 00:03:01,010
Yes. My mom just called.

58
00:03:01,080 --> 00:03:03,481
My dad may have had a stroke.

59
00:03:03,560 --> 00:03:06,006
Oh, my God. Amy, I'm so sorry.

60
00:03:06,120 --> 00:03:07,565
Is he speaking?

61
00:03:07,640 --> 00:03:12,168
Well, he told my mom he felt worse that
time he ate gay Jap raw fish shit.

62
00:03:12,240 --> 00:03:16,370
Oh! Amy, that's a great sign,
because that's a very complex sentence.

63
00:03:16,440 --> 00:03:18,408
- Mmm-hmm.
- Unless he's slurring his words.

64
00:03:18,480 --> 00:03:20,130
Well, it...

65
00:03:20,280 --> 00:03:23,045
So, do you need to go and be with him?
66
00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:26,044
My mom said he was asking for me,
but (STAMMERS) my sister's there.

67
00:03:26,120 --> 00:03:28,168
Oh, good. Seriously, if you walked in,

68
00:03:28,240 --> 00:03:30,288
can you imagine
how stressed out he might be

69
00:03:30,360 --> 00:03:34,046
with like, "What are you doing here?
Isn't it time that you be with the Veep?

70
00:03:34,120 --> 00:03:37,249
"It's the freakin' midterms
and isn't she gonna take this opportunity

71
00:03:37,360 --> 00:03:39,727
"to expand her role in the White House?"
Or whatever he might say.

72
00:03:39,800 --> 00:03:41,643
But if you need to go, Amy, you should go.

73
00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:43,768
- No. I'm good. I'm here.
- All right, good.

74
00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:46,366
- So you got what I said before?
- Yes, Cartier dildo.

75
00:03:46,440 --> 00:03:47,521
Huh?

76
00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:49,170
Uh, I was thinking about my dad,
but I am not now.

77
00:03:49,240 --> 00:03:51,641
You know what? Dana's dad had a
knee operation and it was...

78
00:03:51,720 --> 00:03:53,563
Oh, my God, Gary,
stop going on about your girlfriend.

79
00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:55,244
(CHUCKLES) Really? Am <i>I</i> that bad?

80
00:03:55,320 --> 00:03:57,891
Yeah, this is you, Gary.
"Dana, Dana, Dana, Dana."

81
00:03:57,960 --> 00:03:59,405
Okay. Okay. Okay, Sue. Thank you.

82
00:03:59,480 --> 00:04:02,245
All right, item number one, job share.

83
00:04:02,320 --> 00:04:04,527
We are going co-POTAL, right?

84
00:04:04,640 --> 00:04:07,723
AMY: Apparently POTUS Chief of Staff's
telling everyone to write their will.

85
00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:09,968
The mood over there is
gonna be pretty grim.

86
00:04:10,040 --> 00:04:12,611
- Like Jonestown.
- Oh, you know what I want?

87
00:04:12,680 --> 00:04:14,808
I want that lipstick
that my stylist recommended.

88
00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:17,087
- (GASPS) Ooh! Miami Sunburst.
- Yeah.

89
00:04:17,160 --> 00:04:18,889
So when it hits 2:00 a.m.

90
00:04:18,960 --> 00:04:20,086
my eyes will say Holocaust,

91
00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:22,367
- my mouth will say Carnival.
- (GARY CHUCKLING)

92
00:04:24,680 --> 00:04:26,250
Does anyone have anything on Ohio?

93
00:04:26,320 --> 00:04:30,211
Or why this fucking Internet
is sketchier than our economic forecasts?

94
00:04:30,280 --> 00:04:33,250
That's 'cause your laptop
is still running on Windows 2000 and shit.

95
00:04:33,320 --> 00:04:35,527
Okay, this just in from jStat central.

96
00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:38,001
We've got the seventh
and ninth in Utah down.

97
00:04:38,080 --> 00:04:39,969
Team Jonah's gonna have
that stat watch, okay?

98
00:04:40,040 --> 00:04:42,407
You come to me.
Have some nachos and numbers, huh?

99
00:04:42,480 --> 00:04:44,289
Tonight there's gonna be a plane crash

100
00:04:44,360 --> 00:04:46,567
shoving a train wreck
onto a crowded highway.

101
00:04:46,680 --> 00:04:50,048
Is this gonna hit the Dow?
Maybe I should have bought stock.

102
00:04:50,120 --> 00:04:51,849
Why, you got money problems?

103
00:04:51,920 --> 00:04:54,969
Not money problems, money challenges.
104
00:04:55,040 --> 00:04:56,644
- MANI Yeah!
- (PEOPLE CHEERING)

105
00:04:57,280 --> 00:04:58,281
Is that Furlong?

106
00:04:58,400 --> 00:05:00,607
Minnesota. Danny Chung
just increased his margin.

107
00:05:00,680 --> 00:05:03,570
Want to bet how long it takes Chung
to mention his war record?

108
00:05:03,640 --> 00:05:04,766
No.

109
00:05:04,840 --> 00:05:06,922
Come on. 100 bucks says he drops it
in the first five seconds.

110
00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:10,004
<i>And I intend to serve you the way I served</i>

111
00:05:10,120 --> 00:05:12,441
<i>the American people overseas
when they needed me.</i>

112
00:05:12,520 --> 00:05:17,287
Oh! Ker-Chung, ker-ching. Pay up. Yeah.

113
00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:20,610
I need something positive, okay?
Something to boost morale.

114
00:05:20,680 --> 00:05:24,651
We're ahead on voter turnout
in Lake County, Indiana.

115
00:05:24,760 --> 00:05:26,125
What? That's it?

116
00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:28,487
That and the big quake
hasn't yet hit San Francisco.
117
00:05:28,560 --> 00:05:30,085
Okay. (QUIETLY HUMS DRAMATIC MUSIC)

118
00:05:30,280 --> 00:05:32,886
Hello, everyone.

119
00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:34,200
BEN: Madam Vice President.

120
00:05:34,280 --> 00:05:37,045
(CHUCKLING AWKWARDLY)
Well, I have some good news.

121
00:05:37,120 --> 00:05:38,963
- It seems...
- Hey, we are ahead on voter turnout

122
00:05:39,040 --> 00:05:42,169
in Lake County, Indiana. J-dog out.

123
00:05:42,240 --> 00:05:44,447
I'm sorry, Madam Vice President,
you were saying?

124
00:05:46,040 --> 00:05:48,327
I was saying exactly that.

125
00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:51,006
(QUIETLY) Yeah, that'll take
the edge off this cornholing.

126
00:05:51,120 --> 00:05:52,929
Everyone, please be seated.

127
00:05:53,040 --> 00:05:55,884
Keep up the good work. Okay? Hey, Ben?

128
00:05:57,280 --> 00:05:58,566
Ben?

129
00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:02,288
Did you borrow
Selina's Miami Sunburst, Sue?

130
00:06:02,360 --> 00:06:04,283
- No.
- Oh, my God.

131
00:06:04,360 --> 00:06:06,283
- Mike, your phone's ringing.
- MIKE: Could you get it, please?

132
00:06:06,360 --> 00:06:09,091
It's the morning shows.
She's not doing them.

133
00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:10,446
This is Mike McLintock's phone.

134
00:06:10,520 --> 00:06:11,885
He's asked me to put you on hold.

135
00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:13,840
If I do not return,
then you've got your answer.

136
00:06:13,920 --> 00:06:16,161
Am I disturbing your downtime, Mike?

137
00:06:16,280 --> 00:06:18,009
Give me a break. I'm on eBay.

138
00:06:18,080 --> 00:06:19,684
Is this it? Nope, it's a rape alarm.

139
00:06:19,760 --> 00:06:21,330
Like she's ever gonna need that.

140
00:06:21,440 --> 00:06:23,568
I mean, she's not ugly,
but she's got a lot of security.

141
00:06:23,640 --> 00:06:25,722
Communications is your job, Mike.

142
00:06:25,800 --> 00:06:26,881
I'm in a financial hole, okay?

143
00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:29,008
I bought something I shouldn't have
and I can't get rid of it.

144
00:06:29,080 --> 00:06:31,890
- What did you buy?
- A boat.

145
00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:34,611
- Is that a euphemism?
- No, it's a boat.

146
00:06:34,680 --> 00:06:37,411
It's a leaky fucking boat
and no one's bidding on it.

147
00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:40,211
Do not yell at me, Mike.
I did not force you to buy a boat.

148
00:06:40,280 --> 00:06:41,884
I have a cracked keel,
I have to dry-dock it.

149
00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:43,041
There's a bilge, which I don't even know

150
00:06:43,120 --> 00:06:45,407
- where the fuck a bilge is...
- GARY: Stop talking about boats, please.

151
00:06:45,480 --> 00:06:47,403
Can someone please help me out
for a second? One second.

152
00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:50,484
Okay, hmm, what is the solution
to your problem, Gary?

153
00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:52,324
Oh! Use another lipstick.

154
00:06:52,400 --> 00:06:55,768
Wow, that was easy.
What is the solution to my problem?

155
00:06:55,840 --> 00:06:57,251
I sell a kidney?
156
00:06:57,320 --> 00:06:58,810
GARY: You know what?
You know what? Coral Blush.

157
00:06:58,880 --> 00:07:00,484
That's gonna look the same. Coral Blush.

158
00:07:00,560 --> 00:07:01,846
Stay over there.

159
00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:03,160
Ben?

160
00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:05,525
Ben?

161
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:09,604
- What are you doing in here?
- Getting away from the bad news.

162
00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:12,684
Just trying to realign myself.

163
00:07:14,120 --> 00:07:16,282
- You know what I'd like?
- (STAMMERS) Uh-uh.

164
00:07:16,360 --> 00:07:19,204
I'd like to be cryogenically suspended.

165
00:07:19,280 --> 00:07:21,965
Yeah, and then be woken up in the future?

166
00:07:22,040 --> 00:07:24,850
No, never wake up. Just stay suspended.

167
00:07:26,400 --> 00:07:27,686
Are you drunk?

168
00:07:28,520 --> 00:07:30,363
No, I'm just depressed.

169
00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:33,084
All right, look.
170
00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:34,650
I got a plan.

171
00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:38,441
I'm gonna take more of a leadership role on
as vice president starting tonight

172
00:07:38,560 --> 00:07:41,723
and I need your advice
as how to set that in motion.

173
00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:42,961
Ask Kent.

174
00:07:43,040 --> 00:07:44,530
Kent Davison?

175
00:07:44,600 --> 00:07:47,126
Yeah, he's back. Senior strategist.

176
00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:48,406
- No.
- Yeah.

177
00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:50,721
Do you know what his strategy was
two years ago?

178
00:07:50,800 --> 00:07:53,326
Do you remember that?
He had me hang with my ex-husband

179
00:07:53,400 --> 00:07:55,000
like we were this normal, loving family.

180
00:07:55,040 --> 00:07:56,769
He made us go river rafting together.

181
00:07:56,840 --> 00:07:58,365
Catherine got giardia.

182
00:07:58,960 --> 00:08:02,760
And I had to listen to Andrew bang
that skank on the riverbank all night.

183
00:08:02,840 --> 00:08:06,447
I said to Kent, "Can you make me feel
good about this somehow?"

184
00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:09,922
And you know what he does?
He points to a graph.

185
00:08:10,200 --> 00:08:13,682
- He is cold.
- Yeah, he's got ice in his semen.

186
00:08:13,760 --> 00:08:16,650
Right. When's he coming back?

187
00:08:16,720 --> 00:08:18,165
- Oh, he's back.
- What?

188
00:08:18,240 --> 00:08:20,527
He's already squirreled away
in an air vent somewhere

189
00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:22,250
with his fucking statistics.

190
00:08:22,320 --> 00:08:23,481
Where? Where's his office?

191
00:08:23,560 --> 00:08:26,848
You know that portrait with the guy
who looks like a fat Wolverine?

192
00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:28,604
- Oh, yeah.
- It's just one door on the left from there.

193
00:08:28,680 --> 00:08:31,524
- But wait, wait, wait, wait.
- What?

194
00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:33,090
You know what's gonna
happen to me tomorrow?

195
00:08:33,200 --> 00:08:34,725
No.
196
00:08:34,800 --> 00:08:38,441
My good friend POTUS,
my Gamma Chi brother,

197
00:08:38,520 --> 00:08:41,842
is gonna summon me to his office
and he's gonna show me a sword

198
00:08:41,920 --> 00:08:43,524
and he's gonna tell me to take the sword

199
00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:46,046
and slide it down my throat
until it comes out my ass.

200
00:08:46,120 --> 00:08:49,966
Ben, one day we are gonna laugh about this.

201
00:08:54,440 --> 00:08:55,601
One final item...

202
00:08:55,720 --> 00:08:57,529
Although the Vice President
appreciates your offer

203
00:08:57,640 --> 00:08:59,608
of stale pastries and
pleasant conversation,

204
00:08:59,680 --> 00:09:01,728
she will not be doing
the morning shows tomorrow.

205
00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:04,371
Is she deserting a sinking ship, Mike?
(CHUCKLING)

206
00:09:04,480 --> 00:09:06,130
Is that a crack about my boat?
Really funny.

207
00:09:06,200 --> 00:09:08,009
- You guys are hilarious.
- Put your boat on eBay.

208
00:09:08,080 --> 00:09:09,650
- Thank you.
- MAN: Can you put a sinking ship on eBay?

209
00:09:09,720 --> 00:09:11,131
- Thank you.
- MAN 2: You can put anything on there.

210
00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:12,770
Has <i>no track record as</i> a <i>senator.</i>

211
00:09:12,840 --> 00:09:14,444
<i>I've been around the block, honey.</i>

212
00:09:14,520 --> 00:09:16,284
You haven't seen lipstick lying around,
have you?

213
00:09:16,360 --> 00:09:17,600
Oh, yeah, it's in the office

214
00:09:17,680 --> 00:09:19,808
next to your Klonopin
and feminine itch powder.

215
00:09:19,880 --> 00:09:21,882
I swear to God.

216
00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:26,165
- Guess who's back.
- Not Furlong yet.

217
00:09:26,240 --> 00:09:27,840
<i>You can trust me and the people of Ohio.</i>

218
00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:29,922
<i>I think there's gonna be
quite a few surprises tonight.</i>

219
00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:32,401
Isn't that the catchphrase
of the world's creepiest babysitter?

220
00:09:32,480 --> 00:09:35,051
Speaking of creepy, Kent Davison is back.

221
00:09:35,120 --> 00:09:38,329
Kent Davison? The Pol Pot of pie charts.

222
00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:41,404
Wow, that guy is ruthless.
A total inspiration.

223
00:09:41,480 --> 00:09:42,970
JONAH: Hey.

224
00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:45,008
Hey, I know you think
my stat guys are bullshit,

225
00:09:45,080 --> 00:09:47,845
but we got early exits
on Ohio gubernatorial

226
00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:50,844
- and they are not good for you, Mr. Egan.
- (CELL PHONE RINGS)

227
00:09:50,920 --> 00:09:52,763
Shut up. Dan Egan's office.

228
00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:55,366
Hello, Dan.
I've got Congressman Furlong for you.

229
00:09:55,440 --> 00:09:56,771
Here you go, sir.

230
00:09:56,840 --> 00:09:59,730
Wipe that thing off
before you hand it to me.

231
00:10:00,240 --> 00:10:03,130
- Here you go.
- Hey, there, pretty boy.

232
00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:06,329
You know what they call
guys like you in prison? Sweetmeat.

233
00:10:06,400 --> 00:10:10,450
I have no plan to go to
prison, Congressman.
234
00:10:10,520 --> 00:10:12,284
Holy shit, is that him?

235
00:10:12,360 --> 00:10:14,522
Nobody plans on going to prison, dipshit.

236
00:10:14,600 --> 00:10:16,443
- That's just the way it works out sometimes.
- You are fucked.

237
00:10:16,520 --> 00:10:18,602
I can tell you this,
if I lose this election tonight

238
00:10:18,720 --> 00:10:20,768
and I'm back on that
Congressional Oversight Committee,

239
00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:23,960
your ass is toast because I don't like
the way your boss runs things over there

240
00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:25,525
and you are a mighty soft target.

241
00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:29,130
<i>If I have to come after you, Dan,
I can promise you something.</i>

242
00:10:29,200 --> 00:10:31,407
You're gonna have
to be prepared to be gay for the stay

243
00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:33,642
'cause you're going down.

244
00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:35,529
Chin up, buddy. You'll be fine.

245
00:10:37,240 --> 00:10:38,730
Mouth open.

246
00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:41,843
Fat Wolverine.
247
00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:45,607
Oh! Kent.

248
00:10:45,680 --> 00:10:48,490
- Madam Vice President.
- Look at you, you're all back.

249
00:10:49,160 --> 00:10:52,289
I see they took out the
sink and the toilet.

250
00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:54,249
Made it a little roomier for you.

251
00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:57,290
I could punch through the wall
and tap POTUS on the shoulder.

252
00:10:57,360 --> 00:11:00,842
And what would you be tapping him on the
shoulder about specifically, do you figure?

253
00:11:00,920 --> 00:11:03,082
- Repositioning.
- So glad to hear you say that.

254
00:11:03,160 --> 00:11:05,242
We are on the same page, my friend,

255
00:11:05,320 --> 00:11:07,926
both in terms of the party
and, of course, in terms of myself.

256
00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:13,371
Am I supposed to ask a question now?

257
00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:15,727
Oh, sure. If you want. Fire away.

258
00:11:16,600 --> 00:11:18,204
And what would that question be?

259
00:11:18,320 --> 00:11:19,890
Well, that question might be, uh,

260
00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:22,088
what do you think is
the best reposition to take?

261
00:11:24,160 --> 00:11:26,845
And what would the answer
to that question be?

262
00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:29,366
And the answer to that question would be

263
00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:30,965
standing right in front of you.

264
00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:38,005
The answer would be a certain someone,

265
00:11:38,080 --> 00:11:41,562
shall we say,
whose skills were not adequately tapped.

266
00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:44,804
That's some question.

267
00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:47,406
So, we're good.

268
00:11:47,480 --> 00:11:49,050
We're good.

269
00:11:49,120 --> 00:11:51,805
Great. I'm so glad that we
had this chance to connect.

270
00:11:51,880 --> 00:11:53,484
I really am.

271
00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:05,169
I don't think I was
actually very clear before.

272
00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:08,562
- No.
- My uncle used to have this saying.

273
00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:12,406
He used to say to me,
"Honey, if you're not at the table,

274
00:12:12,480 --> 00:12:14,721
"you're probably on the menu."

275
00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:17,849
And, Kent, I will not be eaten.

276
00:12:19,080 --> 00:12:21,287
Why would anyone want to eat you?

277
00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:24,489
You do know that
I am not running for office right now?

278
00:12:24,560 --> 00:12:26,085
I am, in fact, the vice president.

279
00:12:26,160 --> 00:12:29,243
I wouldn't dispute your title.
I might question your role.

280
00:12:29,320 --> 00:12:32,005
It would be great if you'd stand up
when the vice president enters a room.

281
00:12:32,080 --> 00:12:34,731
- Oh, Lord, all right.
- Oh, Lord.

282
00:12:34,800 --> 00:12:36,564
- There you go.
- Whoa, at ease, Kent.

283
00:12:36,640 --> 00:12:38,483
I'm just looking for my mug.

284
00:12:38,560 --> 00:12:40,289
Yeah. I love this baby.

285
00:12:40,360 --> 00:12:42,727
- It holds about nine cups' worth.
- SELINA: Oh, wow.

286
00:12:42,800 --> 00:12:45,041
Yeah, it's the only thing
I'd save if this building were on fire.

287
00:12:45,160 --> 00:12:48,482
Okay. This is such
a silly conversation that we're having.

288
00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:50,085
I'm gonna go talk to the President.

289
00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:53,084
- He went to bed.
- He's in bed?

290
00:12:53,160 --> 00:12:55,367
So that makes you the live wire, huh?

291
00:12:55,440 --> 00:12:57,363
- This can't get out.
- It won't get out.

292
00:12:57,440 --> 00:12:59,488
JONAH: Everyone, POTUS has gone to bed.

293
00:12:59,560 --> 00:13:01,961
So let's make sure
we make his dreams come true tonight

294
00:13:02,040 --> 00:13:03,963
by fighting until that last bullet.

295
00:13:04,040 --> 00:13:07,010
Why don't you take the first bullet
and put it through your brain?

296
00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:09,402
(CHUCKLES) Yes, sir. (MIMICS GUNSHOT)

297
00:13:11,280 --> 00:13:14,682
I'm gonna have more of a role
in this administration.

298
00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:16,330
Well, I just crunched the numbers.

299
00:13:16,440 --> 00:13:17,726
I know. You're the numbers cruncher.

300
00:13:17,800 --> 00:13:19,643
And right now they taste
pretty bland to me.

301
00:13:19,720 --> 00:13:21,609
Well, salt and pepper 'em.

302
00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:27,001
Marion, listen very closely.

303
00:13:27,080 --> 00:13:29,924
You have as much chance
of getting the Vice President on your show

304
00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:32,287
as you have of getting your husband
to leave that cheerleader.

305
00:13:32,360 --> 00:13:35,489
Yes, Marion.
We're all aware of that. Good-bye.

306
00:13:35,560 --> 00:13:37,289
Touch and go? Is that what they said?

307
00:13:37,360 --> 00:13:40,364
No, it's a classic.
There's a mounting on it for a harpoon gun.

308
00:13:40,440 --> 00:13:42,727
Well, Richard,
if you hear me say no, that means no.

309
00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:43,966
No.

310
00:13:44,080 --> 00:13:45,491
You good slapping down those hacks?

311
00:13:45,560 --> 00:13:47,130
SUE: I really do enjoy it.

312
00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:49,168
It's kind of like dumping
all my ex-boyfriends at once.

313
00:13:49,240 --> 00:13:50,605
You got a lot of exes, huh?

314
00:13:52,400 --> 00:13:54,528
Hey, dumpling. It's Gary.

315
00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:56,170
I'm sorry I missed you.

316
00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:58,368
It's just I can't find her lipstick

317
00:13:58,480 --> 00:14:01,370
and I thought maybe it fell out of
the Leviathan at home. Or something...

318
00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:05,047
Okay, folks, Kent Davison is back.

319
00:14:05,120 --> 00:14:06,121
Yeah.

320
00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:08,288
So, number one,
what are we gonna do about it?

321
00:14:08,360 --> 00:14:10,761
Number two, why am I telling you this news?

322
00:14:10,840 --> 00:14:12,729
And number three,
would you please hang up the phone

323
00:14:12,800 --> 00:14:15,406
because I'm the fucking
Vice President of the United States

324
00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:17,209
- and I have something to say.
- I'm going.

325
00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:19,681
So now we got to figure out
a way to get Kent on board
326
00:14:19,760 --> 00:14:21,603
with this whole CO-POTAL thing.

327
00:14:21,680 --> 00:14:25,526
You can't reason with him. It'd be like
explaining Supertramp to a Komodo dragon.

328
00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:27,523
SELINA: I don't know what those words mean.

329
00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:29,921
Mike, are you in the middle
of some sort of aneurysm?

330
00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:32,207
- Let's just wind back a sec, okay?
- Yes.

331
00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:34,647
You think Kent Davison is a bad thing?

332
00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:37,371
Okay. All right.

333
00:14:37,480 --> 00:14:40,006
I have a very strong feeling

334
00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:43,050
that Kent is gonna get
in between me and POTUS,

335
00:14:43,120 --> 00:14:47,569
like some sort of thick rubber condom,
and I have got to have...

336
00:14:47,640 --> 00:14:50,484
- Unprotected.
- Unprotected access to the Oval Office.

337
00:14:50,560 --> 00:14:52,528
Well, uh, Amy, you were on
the campaign trail with him.

338
00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:53,600
Yeah.
339
00:14:53,640 --> 00:14:55,722
- How do we pop him?
- Uh, I...

340
00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:58,087
- Well, I guess...
- What?

341
00:14:58,160 --> 00:14:59,685
(STAMMERS)

342
00:14:59,760 --> 00:15:01,569
- Hey. Yeah.
- Yeah? Yeah?

343
00:15:01,640 --> 00:15:03,085
You have to go and see your dad.

344
00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:05,083
(STAMMERING) This is the midterms.

345
00:15:05,160 --> 00:15:08,482
Amy, it's the fucking midterms. Go.

346
00:15:08,560 --> 00:15:10,847
Thank... Thank you.

347
00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:13,371
It's the fucking midterms.

348
00:15:13,440 --> 00:15:14,851
Unbelievable.

349
00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:16,809
Okay, everybody, it's official.

350
00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:18,609
- We have lost...
- JONAH: We have just lost the House.

351
00:15:18,680 --> 00:15:21,286
So put everything on the wagons
and shoot the dogs

352
00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:24,648
because we have just
lost the fucking House.

353
00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:26,484
- What he just said.
- DAN: Yes!

354
00:15:26,560 --> 00:15:28,528
- What?
- What?

355
00:15:28,600 --> 00:15:30,807
I think this is it.
I think this is our time to strike.

356
00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:33,451
- Yeah.
- Okay, here's the plan. I'm gonna go peepee

357
00:15:33,520 --> 00:15:35,921
and then we're gonna neutralize Kent.

358
00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:37,445
Very good.

359
00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:38,646
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

360
00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:43,203
Hey, Mike. Give me a hug.
Uncle Ben's on his way out.

361
00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:46,371
What is that, Ralph Lauren?

362
00:15:46,440 --> 00:15:47,885
For men.

363
00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:50,566
Well, that's a good scent.

364
00:15:53,440 --> 00:15:55,602
- Congressman.
- Hey, Brokeback Egan.
365
00:15:55,680 --> 00:15:58,809
Excuse me. Would you get that
fucking thing out from under my nose?

366
00:15:58,880 --> 00:16:00,120
I could...

367
00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:02,965
I just want to offer my sincere condolences

368
00:16:03,040 --> 00:16:04,600
on the loss of your gubernatorial race.

369
00:16:04,840 --> 00:16:07,127
Screw you and the face you rode in on, Dan.

370
00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:09,771
Oh, and on the loss of
your committee chairmanship, sir.

371
00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:12,127
You know, now that we lost the House...

372
00:16:12,240 --> 00:16:13,924
We just lost the House and you're crowing?

373
00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:15,570
You're actually pleased about this?

374
00:16:15,640 --> 00:16:18,086
Why? Because well, we lost the House,
that's bad, obviously,

375
00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:20,160
but now this gets me off
your case and that's okay?

376
00:16:20,360 --> 00:16:22,169
Couldn't have put that better myself, sir.

377
00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:25,801
Are you eating my pizza?

378
00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:28,287
No, sir, you... Because you said that...
379
00:16:28,360 --> 00:16:29,805
No, I said don't wave it in my face.

380
00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:31,325
- I didn't say eat it.
- It's still good.

381
00:16:31,400 --> 00:16:33,243
- Eat it! Eat it all right now!
- I'm sorry.

382
00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:36,285
Got here as soon as I could.

383
00:16:36,360 --> 00:16:38,966
SOPHIE: Just really glad you could fit
your father into your busy schedule.

384
00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:40,560
MRS. BROOKHEIMER: She means hi, honey.

385
00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:42,201
(SIGHS) Uh...

386
00:16:43,080 --> 00:16:45,481
- Why is this heart monitor not on?
- I'm fine.

387
00:16:45,560 --> 00:16:48,928
They don't know if it was
a stroke or not, hon.

388
00:16:49,920 --> 00:16:51,524
Okay.

389
00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:54,605
(SIGHS) You said Dad was dying.

390
00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:56,682
Well, I'm so sorry to disappoint you, Amy.

391
00:16:56,760 --> 00:16:58,524
All the shouting certainly
isn't helping anything.
392
00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:00,011
Yeah, stop shouting, Sophie.

393
00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:01,645
Oh, my God, Amy.
You work for the Vice President.

394
00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:02,926
It's not like it's Google.

395
00:17:03,280 --> 00:17:04,964
- Dan.
- Yeah?

396
00:17:05,840 --> 00:17:08,161
- (CLAPS) My peepee is done.
- Yes, ma'am.

397
00:17:08,240 --> 00:17:10,481
- Let's go crack Kent.
- JONAH: Okay, J-dog update.

398
00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:14,360
Oh, God. It's fucking Big Bird.
Let's go through here.

399
00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:15,761
SELINAI Oh!

400
00:17:16,800 --> 00:17:17,881
Sorry to disturb.

401
00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:19,530
Don't know what you're doing,
but I will leave you to it.

402
00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:20,721
JONAH: Hey, Madam Vice President.

403
00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:23,883
I see you've found my crib.
This is Team Jonah.

404
00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:26,725
This is my hot stat three-piece,
my data Nirvana.
405
00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:28,962
Madam Vice President,
it is such an honor to meet you.

406
00:17:29,040 --> 00:17:31,566
Thank you so much. I really
appreciate all the work you're doing

407
00:17:31,640 --> 00:17:34,564
on this terribly depressing evening.

408
00:17:34,880 --> 00:17:36,484
Actually, not terrible for you.

409
00:17:36,560 --> 00:17:39,484
Your campaign visits
always lead to a bump for the candidate.

410
00:17:39,880 --> 00:17:42,565
- What?
- You have been a consistent integer.

411
00:17:42,640 --> 00:17:45,723
I'm not really sure I remember
what an integer is, per se.

412
00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:48,167
You're great news. You even aced POTUS.

413
00:17:48,480 --> 00:17:50,403
- You're like Neo.
- Wow.

414
00:17:50,480 --> 00:17:52,403
- What's a Neo?
- He's from The Matrix.

415
00:17:52,480 --> 00:17:53,925
Everything he does is awesome.

416
00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:55,570
The first movie. The sequels sucked.

417
00:17:55,640 --> 00:17:57,688
Guys, we agreed to let
The <i>Matrix</i> debate lie.

418
00:17:58,080 --> 00:18:00,367
Jesus, I can feel my virginity
growing back in here.

419
00:18:00,440 --> 00:18:03,046
So you're saying that
all of these numbers are good for me?

420
00:18:03,120 --> 00:18:05,600
- They're great for you.
- That is outstanding.

421
00:18:05,680 --> 00:18:06,681
(CHUCKUNG)

422
00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:10,567
Um, could you collate this
for me very quickly?

423
00:18:10,640 --> 00:18:12,563
Signed, sealed, delivered. (CLICKS TONGUE)

424
00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:13,641
(CLICKS TONGUE)

425
00:18:14,600 --> 00:18:17,285
- Okay, meet me in Kent's office.
- Yeah, absolutely.

426
00:18:17,360 --> 00:18:20,603
Oh, Kent Davison?
He's in the Oval Office with POTUS.

427
00:18:20,680 --> 00:18:22,921
- Uh, POTUS is awake?
- Yeah, last I heard.

428
00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:25,241
Okay, I will be in the Oval Office.

429
00:18:25,320 --> 00:18:26,765
I will be expecting that material.

430
00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:28,444
Thank you very much.

431
00:18:28,520 --> 00:18:30,170
So what format do you want this in?

432
00:18:30,240 --> 00:18:32,641
Excel? Pie charts?

433
00:18:32,720 --> 00:18:35,803
Just, like, in English.

434
00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:37,928
Is that a racist joke?

435
00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:39,525
Yeah.

436
00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:40,647
Come on, come on, come on, come on.

437
00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:42,370
Amy, Amy, Amy. Oh, thank God.

438
00:18:42,440 --> 00:18:44,283
- What?
- Listen, Amy.

439
00:18:44,360 --> 00:18:46,567
Something has happened
to the Vice President.

440
00:18:46,640 --> 00:18:49,325
I know your dad is dying
and I'm really, really sorry, Amy,

441
00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:52,125
but I think Dana took Selina's lipstick.

442
00:18:52,200 --> 00:18:53,770
It's the one thing Selina asked for

443
00:18:53,840 --> 00:18:55,410
<i>and I don't have it and
it's ruining her night.</i>

444
00:18:55,480 --> 00:18:57,767
Fine, keep your bra on.
I'll swing by your place and pick it up.

445
00:18:57,840 --> 00:18:59,649
Thank you. Listen, I've got
two options I can offer her

446
00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:02,485
as a stopgap and then we can...
Okay. Great.

447
00:19:02,560 --> 00:19:04,961
Back soon, Daddy.

448
00:19:05,080 --> 00:19:07,240
Hope your boss at CVS
is okay with you taking time off.

449
00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:09,965
Always with the last word.
That's why you're single. Guys hate that.

450
00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:11,246
You have three kids by two different guys.

451
00:19:11,320 --> 00:19:13,448
Maybe your last word should have been no.

452
00:19:20,080 --> 00:19:21,570
Kent.

453
00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:24,685
Where's the President?

454
00:19:24,760 --> 00:19:26,091
Asleep.

455
00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:28,450
Well, should you be in here?

456
00:19:28,560 --> 00:19:31,530
People need to think he's in here leading.

457
00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:33,125
But he's not.
458
00:19:33,200 --> 00:19:35,521
He is, according to the rumor I put out.

459
00:19:35,600 --> 00:19:37,443
Well, I'm not in here.

460
00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:40,444
But since I am here, (CLEARS THROAT)

461
00:19:40,520 --> 00:19:42,522
I thought maybe we could agree

462
00:19:42,600 --> 00:19:46,844
that at any joint meetings
that you and I have with the President,

463
00:19:46,920 --> 00:19:50,322
I will be first in and I will be last out.

464
00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:53,483
Fine, but as senior strategist,
I'll already be in the room.

465
00:19:54,640 --> 00:19:58,042
Are you suggesting that a senior strategist

466
00:19:58,120 --> 00:20:00,122
is a higher position than a vice president?

467
00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:01,929
- It depends on the vice president.
- Yeah?

468
00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:04,765
Well, this one is me and I'm fucking great.

469
00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:06,808
And you're not an elected representative.

470
00:20:06,880 --> 00:20:08,962
You're only an elected
representative by default.

471
00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:10,769
The American people voted for him.

472
00:20:10,840 --> 00:20:13,525
And him chose me, okay?

473
00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:16,729
I'm gonna be in the room first.
I'm gonna be in the room last.

474
00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:18,325
You think this is a negotiation?

475
00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:20,040
What leverage do you think that you have?

476
00:20:20,080 --> 00:20:21,525
Oh, I have leverage.

477
00:20:21,600 --> 00:20:24,080
I got a big bag of leverage coming my way.

478
00:20:24,200 --> 00:20:28,091
So, vice president, president... Barn!

479
00:20:28,160 --> 00:20:29,764
Come on, you are the vice president.

480
00:20:29,840 --> 00:20:33,242
By definition, you should be at
half the height of the president.

481
00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:35,049
You want to see where you are?

482
00:20:35,120 --> 00:20:36,565
(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
Hi, Kent. How's it going?

483
00:20:36,640 --> 00:20:39,928
Thank you so much
for bringing us the memo on aggregates.

484
00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:42,924
(IN NORMAL VOICE) Now why don't you just
go and fuck yourself in your own asshole?
485
00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:44,286
What the fuck do you want?

486
00:20:44,360 --> 00:20:45,771
Ma'am, we have that data you requested.

487
00:20:45,840 --> 00:20:47,080
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Come.

488
00:20:47,160 --> 00:20:49,367
- Was there a TV on in here?
- SELINA: No. Come in.

489
00:20:49,440 --> 00:20:51,442
You might want to sit down for this.

490
00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:54,530
- It's okay. I'm all right.
- Okay. Hit it.

491
00:20:54,600 --> 00:20:56,887
When it comes to successful
campaign visits, ma'am,

492
00:20:56,960 --> 00:21:01,124
you have a lead over POTUS of 0.9%.

493
00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:09,527
Yeah, but that's not even a percentage.

494
00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:11,602
If we round it up, we can make it one.

495
00:21:11,680 --> 00:21:13,011
- I couldn't find...
- Just...

496
00:21:13,080 --> 00:21:16,129
Sir, she has strong utility
in key demographics...

497
00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:18,123
Uh, working mothers, Hispanic voters.

498
00:21:18,200 --> 00:21:20,282
- She gives us traction in swing votes.
- Yeah.

499
00:21:20,360 --> 00:21:21,964
- She's a useful tool.
- Oh, no, no, no.

500
00:21:22,040 --> 00:21:23,610
I'm not gonna be used
as a prop again, my friend.

501
00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:29,244
I will never forget on election night
how you put my ex-husband up on that stage

502
00:21:29,320 --> 00:21:31,322
and it was my night, Kent.

503
00:21:31,400 --> 00:21:33,164
It was a healing image for America.

504
00:21:33,240 --> 00:21:35,846
Oh! The way that you used
Catherine to make it look

505
00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:37,445
as if we were all coming together.

506
00:21:37,520 --> 00:21:40,126
- Calm down.
- Don't you tell me to calm down!

507
00:21:40,200 --> 00:21:41,960
I saw that photo that
you had in your office

508
00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:44,765
with the word "glue"
written across her forehead.

509
00:21:44,840 --> 00:21:46,808
- Better if I said cement?
- Here's some good lipstick.

510
00:21:46,880 --> 00:21:49,326
- Fuck that lipstick! Ooh!
- (KENT WHIMPERING)
511
00:21:52,480 --> 00:21:54,448
Kent? Are you okay? I'm so sorry.

512
00:21:54,520 --> 00:21:56,488
- What, are you high?
- No, no, she's not.

513
00:21:56,560 --> 00:21:58,164
No, that was my fault.

514
00:21:58,240 --> 00:21:59,241
Um...

515
00:22:00,680 --> 00:22:01,920
What's going on?

516
00:22:04,560 --> 00:22:06,801
Just been with the President.

517
00:22:06,880 --> 00:22:09,724
He's asked me to stay on.

518
00:22:10,240 --> 00:22:11,401
My eye hurts.

519
00:22:13,600 --> 00:22:15,443
What's that shit all over the carpet?

520
00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:17,887
- (SELINA GASPS)
- DAN: on, shit. Ooh...

521
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:20,486
If you have some white wine vinegar,
that'll get it right out.

522
00:22:20,560 --> 00:22:22,005
SELINAI What?

523
00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:23,730
White wine vinegar will lift the stain.

524
00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:26,121
You take your eyebrows
525
00:22:26,240 --> 00:22:28,049
- and you get out.
- GARY: Here, ma'am.

526
00:22:28,120 --> 00:22:29,531
I've got some wipes.
I've got a lot of wipes.

527
00:22:29,600 --> 00:22:30,965
Look right here. It's over here, too.

528
00:22:31,040 --> 00:22:32,644
GARY: Ma'am, no! You're tracking it!
DAN: No, no, no, no!

529
00:22:32,720 --> 00:22:33,881
SELINA: What?
DAN: Don't do that.

530
00:22:33,960 --> 00:22:35,200
It's stuck on the bottom of your shoe.

531
00:22:35,280 --> 00:22:37,123
SELINA: Wait, do I put this one down?
Is this clean?

532
00:22:37,200 --> 00:22:38,884
- Wait a minute. Just answer that.
- GARY: Yes.

533
00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:41,765
- Oh, my God.
- Okay, get it off my shoe.

534
00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:45,089
- Don't wipe it. Just give me the shoe.
- All right, take the shoe.

535
00:22:45,160 --> 00:22:47,240
- You should not be in here. We need to go.
- I know.

536
00:22:47,280 --> 00:22:49,567
We'll do a little hop.
Ready? One, two... There we go.
537
00:22:49,680 --> 00:22:51,523
- You got to clean it up.
- It's gonna be fine.

538
00:22:51,640 --> 00:22:53,005
- It's a lot.
- SELINA: You can do it, though.

539
00:22:53,080 --> 00:22:56,163
- DAN: He's okay, he's okay.
- Okay. Okay.

540
00:22:56,240 --> 00:22:58,004
GARY: Oh, God.

541
00:22:58,080 --> 00:23:00,811
God, God.

542
00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:04,527
- Amy.
- Dana, hi. Have you got the lipstick?

543
00:23:04,600 --> 00:23:07,206
Feel like my lips have touched the Veep's.
It's quite a thrill.

544
00:23:07,320 --> 00:23:09,641
- That's a little disrespectful.
- Oh, hey, Amy,

545
00:23:09,720 --> 00:23:11,722
let's not start off on
the wrong foot, okay?

546
00:23:11,800 --> 00:23:13,723
I'm a big part of Gary's life now.

547
00:23:13,800 --> 00:23:15,564
And you're welcome to him.

548
00:23:15,640 --> 00:23:19,611
(SCOFFS) Amy, I think we both know
that any woman who's met him

549
00:23:19,680 --> 00:23:22,968
but didn't get to keep him
is gonna see me as the enemy.

550
00:23:23,040 --> 00:23:25,850
I'm sorry, but you missed your chance.

551
00:23:27,160 --> 00:23:28,161
(DOOR CLOSES)

552
00:23:30,600 --> 00:23:32,921
Oh, my God. I got the lipstick out.

553
00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:36,482
What? What are you doing?
Nobody is gonna know about that.

554
00:23:36,600 --> 00:23:38,682
Sue, did the President call?

555
00:23:38,760 --> 00:23:40,603
- Uh, ma'am, he did, actually.
- What?

556
00:23:40,680 --> 00:23:42,842
- BEN: Madam Vice President.
- Huh?

557
00:23:42,920 --> 00:23:47,767
POTUS has noticed your 0.9%
and he's giving you an enhanced role

558
00:23:47,840 --> 00:23:50,161
- in foreign policy.
- What? Really?

559
00:23:50,280 --> 00:23:54,001
So, Kim Jong-whatever
is swinging his nuclear dick again.

560
00:23:54,120 --> 00:23:57,283
The Russians have planted their flag
on a Norwegian pile of pelican shit.

561
00:23:57,360 --> 00:23:59,681
Could you just send that to me
in an e-mail or something?

562
00:23:59,760 --> 00:24:01,603
You got a sit-down
with CENTCOM in two hours.

563
00:24:01,680 --> 00:24:02,681
What?

564
00:24:02,760 --> 00:24:05,206
Some US backpackers tried to smoke a doobie
with the wrong dudes

565
00:24:05,280 --> 00:24:07,169
and they have been kidnapped in Uzbekistan.

566
00:24:07,240 --> 00:24:09,163
Uzbekistan is between Turkmenistan

567
00:24:09,240 --> 00:24:12,528
and I-could-give-a-fuck-istan.
There's a map on page 376.

568
00:24:12,680 --> 00:24:13,681
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

569
00:24:14,960 --> 00:24:16,405
Kent.

570
00:24:16,480 --> 00:24:18,403
Oh, I'm so sorry about before.

571
00:24:18,480 --> 00:24:20,403
Although, God, you made a funny noise.

572
00:24:20,520 --> 00:24:22,363
I wish I could get that as my ringtone.

573
00:24:22,480 --> 00:24:24,130
How's this for a funny noise, ma'am?

574
00:24:24,200 --> 00:24:26,487
POTUS wants you to do the morning shows.

575
00:24:26,560 --> 00:24:29,643
- What?
- You will be the face of our failure.
576
00:24:29,720 --> 00:24:32,610
No, no, Kent.
I can't do that. I'm exhaustipated.

577
00:24:32,680 --> 00:24:34,523
You're booked for 27 interviews.

578
00:24:35,280 --> 00:24:37,965
- Better put on some lipstick.
- Wow.

579
00:24:38,080 --> 00:24:42,563
JONAH: We lost the battle, but we ain't
cattle. Two years' time, bitches!

580
00:24:42,640 --> 00:24:45,644
- SELINA: Oh, God.
- Okay, I got coffee, I got ginseng,

581
00:24:45,720 --> 00:24:47,848
I got protein bars. You want some of those?

582
00:24:47,920 --> 00:24:49,331
- No. (YAWNS)
- No?

583
00:24:49,400 --> 00:24:51,448
I need that stuff thatjunkies use.

584
00:24:51,520 --> 00:24:55,286
You know, when it takes a cop
15 bullets to put him down.

585
00:24:58,760 --> 00:25:01,240
DAN: We have three minutes
to the interviews, ma'am.

586
00:25:01,320 --> 00:25:02,685
Hey, I got this off your dresser.

587
00:25:02,760 --> 00:25:04,649
- Do you want to wear this pin?
- Yeah.

588
00:25:09,320 --> 00:25:11,607
There's a horse coming out of my head.
589
00:25:11,680 --> 00:25:13,682
What? What are you talking about?

590
00:25:13,760 --> 00:25:16,001
There. There's a horse...

591
00:25:16,080 --> 00:25:17,650
GARY: Oh, my God.

592
00:25:19,760 --> 00:25:22,047
I don't know why I'm catching these things.

593
00:25:22,120 --> 00:25:24,407
- Hey, got your lipstick.
- I don't want the fucking lipstick.

594
00:25:24,480 --> 00:25:26,200
She doesn't want the fucking lipstick, Amy.

595
00:25:26,600 --> 00:25:29,001
SELINA: This color is better.

596
00:25:29,840 --> 00:25:31,001
The White House wants to make sure

597
00:25:31,080 --> 00:25:33,242
that they are kept out of the Veep's,
uh, incident,

598
00:25:33,320 --> 00:25:34,924
so we want the lipstick throwing

599
00:25:35,000 --> 00:25:37,162
to have taken place here
and not at the Oval Office.

600
00:25:37,240 --> 00:25:38,571
It was an accident, okay?

601
00:25:38,680 --> 00:25:41,047
Much like when Bigfoot
got your mom pregnant, resulting in you.

602
00:25:41,120 --> 00:25:42,884
Is there something I need to be in on here?

603
00:25:42,960 --> 00:25:45,361
I was talking about my boat.

604
00:25:45,480 --> 00:25:48,211
Please, Mike,
you're talking about a fucking boat?

605
00:25:48,280 --> 00:25:52,604
Really? I'm about to enter
a national ass-kicking contest

606
00:25:52,680 --> 00:25:55,570
with no legs and a massive ass.

607
00:25:55,640 --> 00:25:57,802
- It's not that big, ma'am.
- SELINA: What?

608
00:25:59,320 --> 00:26:00,731
MIKE: I think your ass is perfect.

609
00:26:00,800 --> 00:26:03,280
Good morning, Oklahoma City.

610
00:26:03,360 --> 00:26:05,362
Thank you so much.

611
00:26:07,480 --> 00:26:09,403
Want to play midterm cliché bingo?

612
00:26:09,480 --> 00:26:12,529
First phrase she uses.
I already got "wake-up call."

613
00:26:12,600 --> 00:26:14,807
Not at all. I wouldn't
say it's all bad news.

614
00:26:14,880 --> 00:26:16,928
Frank, no, I wouldn't say
it was a shellacking.

615
00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:20,243
It's not a disaster. I mean, not for...
(STUTTERS)

616
00:26:20,320 --> 00:26:23,688
Not for me... Mean... Excuse me. (CHUCKLES)

617
00:26:24,120 --> 00:26:25,565
Well, we've been up all night.

618
00:26:25,640 --> 00:26:27,290
The American people have said

619
00:26:27,360 --> 00:26:29,442
this is a wake-up call.

620
00:26:32,160 --> 00:26:34,322
Oh, my God, I look so old.

621
00:26:34,400 --> 00:26:35,845
GARY: No.

622
00:26:36,440 --> 00:26:38,363
What is that reaction?

623
00:26:38,440 --> 00:26:39,885
Smile with your eyes if you can.

624
00:26:39,960 --> 00:26:42,008
- Yep.
- And your nose if you can.

625
00:26:42,120 --> 00:26:44,441
With my nose? How do you do that?

626
00:26:45,840 --> 00:26:47,410
Remember to thank somebody, okay?

627
00:26:47,480 --> 00:26:48,720
Not God. Don't make it religious.

628
00:26:48,800 --> 00:26:51,406
But thank, like, farmers.
They love that shit.

629
00:26:51,480 --> 00:26:53,881
Plurality? Is that what you said?
630
00:26:54,360 --> 00:26:56,124
Plur... Yeah, look at that.

631
00:26:56,200 --> 00:26:58,009
- Plurality.
- DAN: Yeah.

632
00:26:58,080 --> 00:26:59,520
It's not good, you know what I mean?

633
00:26:59,560 --> 00:27:01,722
DAN: It's kind of a fish face.

634
00:27:02,120 --> 00:27:03,645
Yes, yes, indeed.

635
00:27:03,720 --> 00:27:06,724
Well, there's been a plurality of views.

636
00:27:06,800 --> 00:27:09,485
Well, there isn't an economic Santa Claus,

637
00:27:09,560 --> 00:27:11,881
and don't I wish that there were.

638
00:27:11,960 --> 00:27:14,327
Well, we are the United States of America

639
00:27:14,400 --> 00:27:16,482
because we are united

640
00:27:16,560 --> 00:27:18,562
and we are states

641
00:27:19,000 --> 00:27:21,207
and we are of America.

642
00:27:21,680 --> 00:27:23,887
Oh, it was my pleasure. Thank you.

643
00:27:27,360 --> 00:27:28,805
MIKE: (SIGHS) Great job, ma'am.

644
00:27:28,880 --> 00:27:31,486
- You're done. You're done.
- Get this out of my ear.

645
00:27:31,560 --> 00:27:33,244
<i>GARY". Let's get you in a comfy chair.</i>