1

00:00:19,280 --> 00:00:22,011

What rhymes with majority? Nothing.

2
00:00:22,120 --> 00:00:25,203
Come on, you still working on that
funny song about the new Speaker?

3
00:00:25,280 --> 00:00:27,521
- Give it a break.
- Oh, priority.

4
00:00:27,600 --> 00:00:29,887
And authority. Sorority.

5
00:00:29,960 --> 00:00:32,120
Oh, my God, there's a million words
that rhyme with it.

6
00:00:32,160 --> 00:00:34,401
Oh, no. No, no, no!

7
00:00:34,480 --> 00:00:35,891
Look where Jonah's coming from.

8
00:00:35,960 --> 00:00:38,406
Oh, that grin, the keys. Oh, God.

9
00:00:38,480 --> 00:00:40,209
He's been given West Exec parking.

10
00:00:40,280 --> 00:00:42,726
Yeah, the holy grail of parking.

11
00:00:42,800 --> 00:00:45,929
Good morning, gentlemen.
What a delightful day.

12
00:00:46,000 --> 00:00:48,571
I was gonna walk to work, but then...

13
00:00:48,640 --> 00:00:51,610
- You got West Exec?
- It's just a parking spot, Dan.

14
00:00:51,680 --> 00:00:55,446
To be jealous of that,
you'd have to be a shallow kind of...

15
00:00:55,520 --> 00:00:58,330
I don't know, dick, I guess.

16
00:01:00,680 --> 00:01:01,806
(SIRENS CHIRPING)

17
00:01:03,280 --> 00:01:06,250
This is the situation room, ma'am,
during the hostage mission.

18
00:01:06,320 --> 00:01:08,641
- We need to approve a photo for release.
- Okay.

19
00:01:08,720 --> 00:01:11,041
Let's see.

20
00:01:11,120 --> 00:01:13,407
Oh, my God. Look at Ben.

21
00:01:13,480 --> 00:01:15,801
- Look at the size of his coffee mug.
- (GARY CHUCKLES)

22
00:01:15,880 --> 00:01:18,565
Jeez, you could hide a baby in that thing.

23
00:01:18,680 --> 00:01:20,250
Oh, I look nice, though, huh?

24
00:01:20,320 --> 00:01:21,890
GARY: Yeah, you do.

25
00:01:21,960 --> 00:01:24,008
- You look concerned, but steely.
- Yeah.

26
00:01:24,080 --> 00:01:25,889
Like a lady soldier.

27
00:01:25,960 --> 00:01:28,611
Oh, there are not gonna be any veterans
28
00:01:28,680 --> 00:01:31,126
at this teen prayer breakfast
thing tomorrow, are there?

29
00:01:31,200 --> 00:01:33,009
No, ma'am. No missing legs.

30
00:01:33,080 --> 00:01:35,287
Okay, here's all the details
of the youth leaders

31
00:01:35,360 --> 00:01:37,601
- that you're gonna be meeting.
- Oh, man.

32
00:01:37,680 --> 00:01:40,570
Who the hell is religious as a teenager?

33
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:42,445
I was.

34
00:01:42,520 --> 00:01:45,524
I mean, smoke some weed,
for Christ's sake, right?

35
00:01:45,600 --> 00:01:47,443
Oh, God, look at the President.

36
00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:49,761
- Jeez, he looks so...
- He looks jowly.

37
00:01:49,880 --> 00:01:51,928
Ah, look at those cheeks.

38
00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:55,129
It's like two little clutch bags
attached to his face.

39
00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:57,806
Oh, my God, with the bags.
It's always bags with you.

40
00:01:57,880 --> 00:02:00,247
Got to get out of the bag zone.
Come on, Gary.
41
00:02:02,040 --> 00:02:03,849
- Sir.
- Gentlemen.

42
00:02:03,920 --> 00:02:06,082
Very excited about this new demographics
study you're planning.

43
00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:09,647
You should be. Dream Metric will reveal
the electoral battleground as it truly is.

44
00:02:09,720 --> 00:02:11,961
It's comparable to the invention
of the microscope.

45
00:02:12,040 --> 00:02:14,486
Would it be okay if I showed you some ideas
I have regarding strategy?

46
00:02:14,560 --> 00:02:15,721
No time, Mr. Egan.

47
00:02:15,800 --> 00:02:17,325
They're mostly Flash based,
but I put them on YouTube.

48
00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:19,289
I just said I had no time.

49
00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:21,362
We're all being hit by
deadlines, right, Mike?

50
00:02:21,440 --> 00:02:23,721
Yes, sir. They can swing around
and smack you like a boom.

51
00:02:25,880 --> 00:02:27,530
You sail, Mike? Have a boat?

52
00:02:27,600 --> 00:02:31,286
- Yes, sir. An '87 Gulfstar 50.
- Great cruiser.

53
00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:33,124
Nothing fancy, but she gets the job done.

54
00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:35,248
You know, like a cast-iron skillet
or Kevin Bacon.

55
00:02:35,320 --> 00:02:37,527
(LAUGHS) I've got a Lagoon 380.

56
00:02:37,600 --> 00:02:40,683
- Catamaran? That's real man's sailing.
- Yeah.

57
00:02:40,760 --> 00:02:43,206
Leaning out in the tack, your big
man balls dipping in the salty sea.

58
00:02:43,280 --> 00:02:44,964
You're right there, my friend, yeah.

59
00:02:45,080 --> 00:02:47,651
I have no children and I wish for none,

60
00:02:47,720 --> 00:02:50,007
but she's my family.

61
00:02:50,080 --> 00:02:53,129
You know, I once went powerboating
on Lake Erie.

62
00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:54,929
Amazing rush.

63
00:02:55,680 --> 00:02:57,330
I need to go.

64
00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:03,129
You don't talk powerboating
to us sailors, Dan.

65
00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:04,725
What's the fucking difference?

66
00:03:07,200 --> 00:03:08,611
Hey-
67
00:03:09,000 --> 00:03:10,490
- Veep in?
- No.

68
00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:13,003
DAN: You have time to just sit there?

69
00:03:13,080 --> 00:03:15,924
You've already bugged the shit out
of everyone else in the building?

70
00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:18,048
I'm sorry, what? Say that again.

71
00:03:18,160 --> 00:03:21,607
Jonah, out. Or else I'll see
if my pepper spray works.

72
00:03:21,840 --> 00:03:24,127
- Morning, guys.
- Morning.

73
00:03:25,600 --> 00:03:28,126
Thirteen thousand. No, 14,500.

74
00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:31,761
Is this the amount of times you've
admired yourself in the mirror today?

75
00:03:31,840 --> 00:03:33,604
No, I'm guessing that's
the difference in salary

76
00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:35,808
between this job
and the one that you just interviewed for.

77
00:03:35,880 --> 00:03:37,325
You think I had a job interview?

78
00:03:37,400 --> 00:03:38,840
DAN: I know you had a job interview.

79
00:03:38,880 --> 00:03:41,247
- How, Sherlock?
- Simple makeup, higher neckline.

80
00:03:41,320 --> 00:03:44,244
Flats don't go with that dress, which means
you probably have heels in your bag.

81
00:03:44,320 --> 00:03:46,243
Coffee from corner bakery
implying you were at

82
00:03:46,320 --> 00:03:48,322
one of the lobbying shops on 18th.

83
00:03:48,400 --> 00:03:49,481
I love this stuff.

84
00:03:49,560 --> 00:03:53,007
That and somebody called your extension
to make sure you had the right address.

85
00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:54,566
(TELEPHONES RINGING)

86
00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:56,728
Hey, is Danny Chung gonna
be performing tonight?

87
00:03:56,840 --> 00:03:59,081
- Mm-hmm.
- Really? What's he gonna be doing?

88
00:03:59,160 --> 00:04:01,320
I think he'll be pulling Bon Jovi
out of a burning tank

89
00:04:01,360 --> 00:04:03,249
in case we all forgot
what a fucking war hero he is.

90
00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:05,891
- Yeah.
- No, we have no official comment.

91
00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:07,450
No, that is not a non-comment.

92
00:04:07,520 --> 00:04:09,284
- We're just not commenting.
- What?

93
00:04:09,360 --> 00:04:11,408
- How did this photo get out there?
- What?

94
00:04:11,520 --> 00:04:13,120
Can we delete it off the Internet, then?

95
00:04:13,160 --> 00:04:15,208
No, I don't know what I'm talking about.

96
00:04:15,280 --> 00:04:16,964
SELINA: What? What's going on here?

97
00:04:17,040 --> 00:04:18,840
Ma'am, the White House
released this picture.

98
00:04:20,800 --> 00:04:22,484
What? No, no. This isn't...

99
00:04:22,560 --> 00:04:25,370
Amy, this isn't the photo that we approved.

100
00:04:25,440 --> 00:04:27,522
- No.
- Look at this.

101
00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:29,961
It looks like I'm tweeting
when a guy loses his leg.

102
00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:31,849
Yeah, it does, ma'am.

103
00:04:31,920 --> 00:04:34,082
This is Kent's doing.

104
00:04:34,160 --> 00:04:36,481
He's trying to screw me.
I'm gonna go stab him.

105
00:04:36,560 --> 00:04:38,050
I'm stabbing him.

106
00:04:39,120 --> 00:04:41,885
- Yeah, from this point. It's...
- All right, get out.

107
00:04:41,960 --> 00:04:44,122
Get out. You, too, Amy.

108
00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:45,964
I don't want any witnesses in here.
I'm not kidding.

109
00:04:46,040 --> 00:04:48,486
- I'll start running the acid bath.
- Yeah.

110
00:04:48,600 --> 00:04:49,840
This is the photograph?

111
00:04:49,920 --> 00:04:52,605
No, just wondering if you think
this sweater goes with the dress.

112
00:04:52,720 --> 00:04:56,930
Look, the other photos
caught POTUS at a bad angle.

113
00:04:57,040 --> 00:04:59,441
- Vis-é-vis jowls.
- What?

114
00:05:00,320 --> 00:05:03,722
- It's a bad look.
- That's how he looks. That's his face.

115
00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:07,168
Why didn't you just take the
good one of me, Photoshop it in?

116
00:05:07,320 --> 00:05:10,449
I can't airbrush history, ma'am.
I'm not Joseph Stalin.

117
00:05:10,600 --> 00:05:14,127
No, that's true. You're not.
You don't have a tenth of his charm.
118
00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:18,410
Okay, I'm just gonna go work
on my Jim Marwood song.

119
00:05:18,560 --> 00:05:21,086
We're in budget talks,
reaching across the aisle.

120
00:05:21,240 --> 00:05:23,686
POTUS does not want the Speaker mocked.

121
00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:26,883
Oh, so now I have to have Dan and Mike,

122
00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:29,691
Rodgers and Hammershit,
come up with a new song in an afternoon?

123
00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:31,330
We can laugh at ourselves.

124
00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:33,721
Maybe you should do a funny bit
about the photograph.

125
00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:36,690
- Own the situation.
- Own this.

126
00:05:36,760 --> 00:05:38,842
- She was multitasking.
- You need to get off the phone.

127
00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:42,003
It's a thing women can do,
like smelling nice and wrapping gifts.

128
00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:43,605
- Okay.
- Bye, Tom.

129
00:05:44,440 --> 00:05:46,169
Were you on top of this or what?

130
00:05:46,280 --> 00:05:48,806
We were busy writing
youth culture references

131
00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:50,245
in a funny song about the Speaker.

132
00:05:50,320 --> 00:05:53,324
(MUMBLES MOCKINGLY)

133
00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:55,926
I don't even know what you just said.

134
00:05:56,080 --> 00:05:58,048
What are you laughing about,
Jolly Green Jizzface?

135
00:05:58,120 --> 00:06:00,600
- I was... Sorry, ma'am.
- God damn, why are you even here?

136
00:06:00,680 --> 00:06:02,489
Oh, I came here to tell you
that you're a meme, ma'am.

137
00:06:02,560 --> 00:06:04,608
I'm a meme ma'am? What are you
talking about? Speak English, boy.

138
00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:06,603
A meme, an Internet phenomenon.

139
00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:13,046
Okay, yes. There are Photoshopped versions
of this springing up all over Twitter.

140
00:06:13,120 --> 00:06:15,009
- You at the Declaration of Independence...
- Oh, my God.

141
00:06:15,080 --> 00:06:17,481
With Mary Magdalene at the crucifixion,

142
00:06:17,680 --> 00:06:19,808
the 2004 tsunami.

143
00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:22,042
If there was a tsunami,
you'd be genuinely looking at your phone

144
00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:23,201
'cause you'd be checking the weather.

145
00:06:23,320 --> 00:06:24,920
You know what? I don't need you to talk.

146
00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:27,524
How do we stop this meme ma'am shit?

147
00:06:27,640 --> 00:06:29,847
No, it's just a meme, ma'am.
Not a meme ma'am.

148
00:06:29,920 --> 00:06:32,491
And usually they flame out
after about 48 hours,

149
00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:34,289
but sometimes they blow up
and become a super meme

150
00:06:34,360 --> 00:06:35,725
like Downfall or Gangnam.

151
00:06:35,800 --> 00:06:37,882
- GARY: (CHUCKLES) I love Gangnam.
- What did I just say?

152
00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:40,162
JONAH: If it gets on Reddit or Tumblr,
that can happen.

153
00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:42,766
Yeah, okay. You've got to
get out of here, okay?

154
00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:45,167
Take all these meaningless syllables
with you and just get out.

155
00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:49,046
Yes, absolutely, ma'am. Oh, and I
will see you at the dinner tonight.
156
00:06:49,160 --> 00:06:50,764
Oh, my God, yeah.

157
00:06:50,840 --> 00:06:54,003
Okay, yeah, that's a cherry on top
of this whole turd cake.

158
00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:57,368
Oh, your leg. Could you fix your leg
so I can see your whole leg.

159
00:06:57,440 --> 00:07:00,125
Fix it. Yeah. Okay.

160
00:07:00,200 --> 00:07:02,601
POTUS said that we can't do
the song about the Speaker

161
00:07:02,680 --> 00:07:04,205
at the Vic Allen dinner. We can't do it.

162
00:07:04,280 --> 00:07:05,645
- MIKE: The Speaker song is cut?
- Yeah.

163
00:07:05,720 --> 00:07:06,960
It was hilarious.

164
00:07:07,040 --> 00:07:08,804
- It was not that hilarious.
- You're out of your head, dude.

165
00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:11,087
That would have made people
piss in their pants.

166
00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:13,521
Hey, hey, hey!

167
00:07:13,640 --> 00:07:15,642
Let's do a new song about Kent.

168
00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:18,040
Kent?

169
00:07:18,120 --> 00:07:21,124
- You think?
- Make fun of ourselves, that's what he said.

170
00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:24,329
I kind of like that. I
do, I kind Of like that.

171
00:07:24,760 --> 00:07:27,206
All right, we'll do it.
I have no problem with that. Let's go.

172
00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:29,169
That's what we're gonna do. Let's go.

173
00:07:30,520 --> 00:07:32,966
Just stop the filibuster, buster.

174
00:07:33,040 --> 00:07:35,122
- That's good.
- That's not a rhyme.

175
00:07:35,200 --> 00:07:38,044
You're just matching a word
with the same word.

176
00:07:38,120 --> 00:07:40,043
Just write it down, Dan. I'm in a zone.

177
00:07:40,120 --> 00:07:43,124
Comedy songs are the mark of a douchebag.

178
00:07:43,200 --> 00:07:44,964
You're wrong. You know why?

179
00:07:45,040 --> 00:07:47,646
Three words, Weird Al Yankovic.

180
00:07:47,720 --> 00:07:49,722
Shit Al Yankoshit.

181
00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:51,490
You shut your mouth, okay?

182
00:07:51,560 --> 00:07:54,928
Just protect the endangered goose, Bruce.
183
00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:57,970
These are all great. A parody song
of 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover.

184
00:07:58,080 --> 00:07:59,206
- Great idea.
- Really?

185
00:07:59,280 --> 00:08:00,645
- Yeah.
- If the first one bombs,

186
00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:02,245
people are gonna be
sitting out there thinking,

187
00:08:02,320 --> 00:08:04,561
"Shit the bed, we got 49
more of these to go."

188
00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:07,211
Help the oil lobby, Bobby.
That's a good one.

189
00:08:07,280 --> 00:08:09,169
Let's follow Jonah.

190
00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:11,487
That is so childish.

191
00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:14,922
MIKE: Why are we doing this?

192
00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:17,844
Because it's pointless,
like everything else that we do.

193
00:08:17,920 --> 00:08:20,241
You still pissed you
can't get in with Kent?

194
00:08:20,320 --> 00:08:22,687
Nobody can. He's half robot, half robot.

195
00:08:22,760 --> 00:08:24,842
- He's a robot.
- Yeah, that's the challenge, Mike.

196
00:08:24,920 --> 00:08:26,729
See, in college all the girls liked me.

197
00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:29,690
There was this one girl,
smart, who had no interest in me.

198
00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:33,443
She wasn't gay either. I checked.

199
00:08:33,520 --> 00:08:35,409
So it became my mission to sleep with her.

200
00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:37,130
And did you?

201
00:08:38,760 --> 00:08:40,444
DAN: No.

202
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:43,490
And that failure has haunted me
to this very day.

203
00:08:43,560 --> 00:08:46,006
I have a similar story,
but the other way around.

204
00:08:46,080 --> 00:08:50,244
In college there was only one girl
that was interested in me.

205
00:08:50,320 --> 00:08:53,529
And it turns out she was
actually a lesbian.

206
00:08:58,160 --> 00:09:00,288
AMY: Everyone is a little off.

207
00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:03,170
Dan is bored. Sue is
looking for another job.

208
00:09:03,240 --> 00:09:04,571
What? Really?

209
00:09:04,640 --> 00:09:07,849
And the stuff you're saying to Gary...

210
00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:10,810
What? Gary's not happy with me?

211
00:09:11,720 --> 00:09:12,721
What?

212
00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:15,531
Because he'd be happy
if I shot him in the face.

213
00:09:15,600 --> 00:09:17,967
He would be. I've actually
thought about it.

214
00:09:18,040 --> 00:09:22,170
He feels since he got that girlfriend Dana,
you've been weird with him.

215
00:09:22,240 --> 00:09:24,040
Okay, can you please...
Can you please not...

216
00:09:24,080 --> 00:09:26,367
See? That is another thing. The leg.

217
00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:28,647
Well, he did lose a whole leg.

218
00:09:28,720 --> 00:09:31,803
That's like half of what
he should have, right?

219
00:09:31,880 --> 00:09:35,202
I'm fine. Look, I can
handle this whole thing.

220
00:09:35,280 --> 00:09:37,282
I can.Sue.

221
00:09:37,360 --> 00:09:39,806
You are incredibly valued here
and I was wondering

222
00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:42,281
if there's anything we could do
to make you want to stay with us.

223
00:09:42,360 --> 00:09:44,249
- More money, ma'am.
- I'm on it. Welcome back.

224
00:09:44,320 --> 00:09:46,004
Honored to serve.

225
00:09:46,080 --> 00:09:48,447
Just bought Sue for a dollar. Who's next?

226
00:09:48,520 --> 00:09:50,966
- Gary.
- I'll talk to Gary.

227
00:09:51,040 --> 00:09:53,520
How about doing that outside of the office?

228
00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:55,250
Invite him to dinner maybe.

229
00:09:55,360 --> 00:09:59,251
Wow. I've never eaten with Gary before.

230
00:09:59,320 --> 00:10:01,687
I've eaten next to him, but...

231
00:10:03,720 --> 00:10:05,484
Okay, yeah. I can do that.

232
00:10:05,560 --> 00:10:08,450
- Good morning, Jonad.
- (SCOFFS) You're pathetic.

233
00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:09,601
Jonuts!

234
00:10:09,680 --> 00:10:11,569
Yeah, come at me
when you guys get an office, huh?
235
00:10:11,640 --> 00:10:14,644
- Everyone hates him.
- Yeah, but we hated him first.

236
00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:17,849
Oh, yeah, we hated him long before
it was even fashionable to hate him.

237
00:10:20,360 --> 00:10:22,124
MIKE: This is like a wildlife documentary.

238
00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:25,249
Jonah in his natural habitat.
He might defecate in a bush.

239
00:10:29,480 --> 00:10:32,051
- What is this?
- I don't know.

240
00:10:32,120 --> 00:10:33,531
- Jonah.
- Hey.

241
00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:34,965
- Busy?
- No.

242
00:10:35,040 --> 00:10:37,964
I just had to get some
of these binder clips.

243
00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:40,441
From another building, huh?

244
00:10:40,520 --> 00:10:42,249
Yeah, we ran out at the White House.

245
00:10:42,320 --> 00:10:44,163
Isn't there a guy, though,
that can get that for you?

246
00:10:44,240 --> 00:10:45,844
Yeah, you'd think there would be.

247
00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:47,331
Yeah, but he's off sick.
248
00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:49,528
- Who is?
- Steve.

249
00:10:49,600 --> 00:10:51,250
What's poor old Steve come down with?

250
00:10:51,320 --> 00:10:54,005
- He has diabetes.
- Oh, wow. That's a big one.

251
00:10:54,080 --> 00:10:56,321
- What type?
- Two.

252
00:10:56,400 --> 00:10:58,607
Yeah. What are the symptoms of two again?

253
00:10:58,720 --> 00:11:01,041
Oh, he's just feeling bad.

254
00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:03,885
You know, he's sugary.

255
00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:06,247
- Yeah.
- Or he's not sugary enough.

256
00:11:06,320 --> 00:11:07,810
- Right.
- Yeah.

257
00:11:07,880 --> 00:11:10,042
Are there any other symptoms?

258
00:11:10,120 --> 00:11:12,930
Yeah, he's got fat wrists. You know?

259
00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:16,004
Yeah. You getting freezed out by Kent?

260
00:11:16,080 --> 00:11:17,684
We've been watching you, Jonah.

261
00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:19,364
- (MIKE CHUCKLES)
- You're obsolete.

262
00:11:19,440 --> 00:11:21,363
You're like an old VCR,
but with a bigger mouth.

263
00:11:21,440 --> 00:11:23,040
- You guys have been following me?
- Yeah.

264
00:11:23,080 --> 00:11:26,846
You've been following me like Nancy Drew
and his butt-sniffing dog

265
00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:28,888
and I'm the one that has nothing to do?

266
00:11:29,000 --> 00:11:31,162
Cool the honey, bro. We're very busy.

267
00:11:31,240 --> 00:11:34,369
- We're writing a comical song.
- Shut up, Mike.

268
00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:37,205
Well, I might have nothing
to do, gentlemen,

269
00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:39,886
but at least when I'm crying about it,

270
00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:42,770
I am crying about it in my car

271
00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:45,810
in West Wing Exec parking.

272
00:11:45,880 --> 00:11:48,611
SELINA: (SINGING) 50 ways to win in Denver

273
00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:50,325
(VOCALIZING)

274
00:11:50,840 --> 00:11:52,968
Hey, ma'am, thanks again
for inviting me to dinner.

275
00:11:53,040 --> 00:11:55,407
- Sure.
- It's an honor.

276
00:11:55,480 --> 00:11:58,802
I actually wrote it in my diary
and stared at it for a full five minutes.

277
00:11:58,880 --> 00:12:00,689
<i>My treat for you</i>

278
00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:04,043
<i>Would you set it all up, please</i>

279
00:12:04,160 --> 00:12:06,561
<i>And check the menu, too</i>

280
00:12:06,640 --> 00:12:08,847
<i>Of course</i>

281
00:12:08,920 --> 00:12:10,843
<i>No, no, no, I actually really do mean that</i>

282
00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:13,161
<i>Figure out the restaurant and everything</i>

283
00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:15,322
Okay. Okay.

284
00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:17,966
Do you...

285
00:12:18,040 --> 00:12:20,361
<i>Yes, Gary? What is it?</i>

286
00:12:20,920 --> 00:12:25,164
<i>Can Dana come along?</i>

287
00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:28,287
- Oh, really?
- No.

288
00:12:28,360 --> 00:12:30,931
That was a bad idea.

289
00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:32,490
It's okay if she can't.

290
00:12:32,560 --> 00:12:35,006
No, it's good. Fine.

291
00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:36,525
(LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY)

292
00:12:36,600 --> 00:12:38,762
You are gonna love her.

293
00:12:38,840 --> 00:12:41,844
- She's a total gal's gal.
- Oh, I can't wait.

294
00:12:41,920 --> 00:12:44,320
- She says this one thing...
- Can you get me my throat spray?

295
00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:46,283
- I need that. Do you have it?
- Sure.

296
00:12:46,360 --> 00:12:49,011
<i>Mi, fa, so, la, ti, do</i>

297
00:12:49,120 --> 00:12:50,121
(AMY HARMONIZING)

298
00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:53,363
<i>No, no, no, don't sing it with me
That fucks me up</i>

299
00:12:59,440 --> 00:13:02,205
- Jim.
- Madam Vice President.

300
00:13:02,280 --> 00:13:06,604
I always feel like I should curtsy, and
then I remember that doesn't make sense.

301
00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:09,485
No, it certainly does not.

302
00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:12,126
You know Amy Brookheimer,
my Chief of Staff.

303
00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:13,690
Mr. Speaker. It's nice to see you again.

304
00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:17,082
Amy. Now, am I getting older
or are you getting younger?

305
00:13:17,640 --> 00:13:19,722
We're both getting older.

306
00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:23,486
That's the third option, of course.
That's great stuff.

307
00:13:23,560 --> 00:13:26,689
I understand there's gonna be
a bit of a joke truce tonight.

308
00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:29,001
A cessation of hostilities.

309
00:13:29,120 --> 00:13:32,124
Absolutely. There will be no jokes from me.

310
00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:34,567
I'm not going to mention the photograph.

311
00:13:35,560 --> 00:13:37,483
Were you Internet shopping?

312
00:13:37,560 --> 00:13:39,324
I'm joking.

313
00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:41,971
Or rather, I'm not. There we are.

314
00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:43,087
Okay.

315
00:13:45,760 --> 00:13:47,842
You know, I was at that
same prayer breakfast

316
00:13:47,920 --> 00:13:49,763
- about a month or so ago.
- Oh, were you?

317
00:13:49,840 --> 00:13:51,490
- Aren't they great kids?
- They're great.

318
00:13:51,600 --> 00:13:53,887
And they seemed excited as young voters

319
00:13:53,960 --> 00:13:57,009
about the possibility
of a veteran becoming president.

320
00:13:57,080 --> 00:13:59,731
- Not necessarily me. (CHUCKLES)
- Okay.

321
00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:01,484
Well, they seemed very excited about

322
00:14:01,560 --> 00:14:03,369
the possibility of a woman
becoming president.

323
00:14:03,440 --> 00:14:06,125
Not necessarily you. (CHUCKLES)

324
00:14:06,600 --> 00:14:10,400
Well, my enhanced foreign policy role
will serve me well.

325
00:14:10,480 --> 00:14:12,847
Hey, it is good to be on top
of international relations.

326
00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:15,082
- Sure.
- So there are fewer opportunities

327
00:14:15,160 --> 00:14:17,208
for guys like me to risk our lives.
328
00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:19,009
Oh, absolutely. Absolutely, yeah.

329
00:14:19,080 --> 00:14:20,411
And limbs.

330
00:14:21,760 --> 00:14:24,969
Are you not finishing this?
I'm gonna take it. Okay.

331
00:14:25,040 --> 00:14:27,520
Amy, you should stop eating so much.

332
00:14:28,600 --> 00:14:30,443
What the fuck are you talking about?

333
00:14:31,360 --> 00:14:33,362
You're stress eating.

334
00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:35,442
I'm not. I'm having dessert.

335
00:14:35,600 --> 00:14:38,126
I think you're letting the pressures
of the office get to you.

336
00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:40,487
You barely have a life outside.
You don't go to the gym.

337
00:14:40,560 --> 00:14:42,244
You don't go to the movies.
You're barely at home.

338
00:14:42,360 --> 00:14:44,044
That's true.

339
00:14:44,120 --> 00:14:47,886
I mean, I hope I don't have a cat because,
believe me, that poor fucker's dead.

340
00:14:47,960 --> 00:14:49,007
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

341
00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:50,491
You need to date, Amy.

342
00:14:50,560 --> 00:14:53,040
Find yourself a political nerd
who also showers.

343
00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:55,003
I'm just saying I'm looking out for you.

344
00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:57,600
I wouldn't want you to become a fat,
neurotic freak.

345
00:14:57,680 --> 00:14:59,091
Speaking as a friend.

346
00:15:02,480 --> 00:15:05,131
We have a lot of special
performances tonight

347
00:15:05,200 --> 00:15:07,407
- and a lot of fun ahead.
- Danny Chung.

348
00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:09,130
So he pulled a guy from a tank.

349
00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:11,043
You saved four guys from captivity.

350
00:15:11,120 --> 00:15:13,248
Yeah, and they weren't burnt, by the way.

351
00:15:13,320 --> 00:15:15,448
Chung's guy had a face
like a Christmas ham.

352
00:15:15,560 --> 00:15:18,803
- Governor Danny Chung!
- (ALL APPLAUDING)

353
00:15:19,160 --> 00:15:20,605
Thank you.

354
00:15:20,680 --> 00:15:23,206
All right, thank you.

355
00:15:23,280 --> 00:15:26,762
You know, this administration
has faced many challenges.

356
00:15:26,840 --> 00:15:30,845
But until now, nobody's thrown down

357
00:15:30,920 --> 00:15:33,366
a beatbox challenge.

358
00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:34,606
(ALL LAUGHING)

359
00:15:34,680 --> 00:15:36,364
(BEATBOXING)

360
00:15:37,960 --> 00:15:39,849
(CROWD CLAPPING ALONG)

361
00:15:45,520 --> 00:15:47,284
That isn't impressive at all.

362
00:15:47,360 --> 00:15:49,806
- He's just spitting, right?
- Yeah.

363
00:15:49,880 --> 00:15:52,326
Ladies and gentlemen,

364
00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:54,402
Minnesota's in the house.

365
00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:55,726
(ALL APPLAUDING)

366
00:15:56,000 --> 00:15:58,810
I said, "Well, was it money or sex?"

367
00:15:58,880 --> 00:16:01,486
And he said, "No, the guy from Fox News

368
00:16:01,560 --> 00:16:03,722
"is the only one who stopped
and asked for directions."

369
00:16:03,800 --> 00:16:05,040
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

370
00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:07,645
Thank you.

371
00:16:07,720 --> 00:16:10,530
To be serious forjust a moment,

372
00:16:10,600 --> 00:16:14,321
I think we need to give
a big round of applause

373
00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:18,325
to the Vice President
for the part that she played

374
00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:19,970
in setting free those young guys

375
00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:23,209
who had been held against their will
for so long.

376
00:16:23,280 --> 00:16:25,044
Madam Vice President, thank you.

377
00:16:25,120 --> 00:16:26,121
Thank you.

378
00:16:28,120 --> 00:16:31,761
Of course, all she had to do
was unlock her bedroom door,

379
00:16:31,840 --> 00:16:34,207
but thanks anyway.

380
00:16:34,280 --> 00:16:36,487
Well, at least she didn't
look down her nose at 'em.

381
00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:38,528
You know, when they're
looking for the thing.
382
00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:41,211
You know, but thank you. Okay. Okay.

383
00:16:41,280 --> 00:16:43,123
Thank you so much for listening to me.

384
00:16:43,200 --> 00:16:46,329
- I need a joke. I need a joke.
- Thank you. Good night.

385
00:16:46,440 --> 00:16:48,169
Thank you.

386
00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:50,402
Jim Marwood, ladies and gentlemen.

387
00:16:50,480 --> 00:16:52,050
Let's give it up for him.

388
00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:54,924
- Mate?
- Mute.

389
00:16:55,000 --> 00:16:56,604
- Meat?
- No, mute. Mute.

390
00:16:56,680 --> 00:16:58,250
Mute. Here.

391
00:16:58,320 --> 00:17:00,004
Jim Marwood, what are we
gonna do with you?

392
00:17:02,520 --> 00:17:04,010
(LAUGHS)

393
00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:06,522
I'll tell you, that's one speaker
I'd like to put on mute.

394
00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:08,011
(MIKE LAUGHS)

395
00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:11,682
Okay, well, I'm gonna give this a shot.

396
00:17:11,800 --> 00:17:15,441
You just need to keep in mind
that I'm not Selina Dion.

397
00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:19,723
Okay, well, you know what?
Let's hit it, boys.

398
00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:21,325
(BAND PLAYING)

399
00:17:24,840 --> 00:17:27,810
<i>The problem is all inside your head</i>

400
00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:30,201
<i>Kent said to me</i>

401
00:17:30,280 --> 00:17:35,047
<i>The answer is easy if you take it logically</i>

402
00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:39,250
<i>if you analyze elections
It's called psephology</i>

403
00:17:39,320 --> 00:17:43,166
<i>Kent says there's 50 ways to win in Denver</i>

404
00:17:43,240 --> 00:17:44,241
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

405
00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:46,891
<i>Kent says there's 50 ways</i>

406
00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:49,082
<i>To win in Denver</i>

407
00:17:49,160 --> 00:17:51,891
<i>You just say you'll cut tax, Max</i>

408
00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:54,406
<i>Don't be elite, Pete</i>

409
00:17:54,480 --> 00:17:56,881
<i>Kiss a fat baby, Abie</i>

410
00:17:56,960 --> 00:17:59,088
<i>Set yourself free</i>

411
00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:01,401
<i>Don't be European, Ian</i>

412
00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:04,245
<i>Say screw France, Lance</i>

413
00:18:04,320 --> 00:18:06,402
<i>Maybe the Germans, Herman</i>

414
00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:09,091
<i>The Dutch, the Swedes</i>

415
00:18:09,160 --> 00:18:11,731
<i>Subsidize a bus, Gus</i>

416
00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:14,167
<i>Don't be pro-choice, Joyce</i>

417
00:18:14,280 --> 00:18:16,681
<i>Not too much sex, Rex</i>

418
00:18:16,760 --> 00:18:19,286
<i>Take it from me</i>

419
00:18:19,360 --> 00:18:21,806
<i>Make a pie chart, Art</i>

420
00:18:21,880 --> 00:18:24,087
<i>Analyze the facts, Max</i>

421
00:18:24,160 --> 00:18:25,571
<i>Don't live in a palace, Alice</i>

422
00:18:25,640 --> 00:18:27,051
This is imbecilic.

423
00:18:27,120 --> 00:18:28,963
You're right. It's asinine.
424
00:18:29,040 --> 00:18:31,122
No, keep smiling, Mr. Ryan.

425
00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:33,680
I'm smiling falsely. So should you.

426
00:18:33,800 --> 00:18:38,044
<i>Don't mention Israel, Catherine</i>

427
00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:39,929
(ALL CHEERING LOUDLY)

428
00:18:45,160 --> 00:18:46,525
SELINA: Good morning!

429
00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:51,244
You should cut an album.

430
00:18:51,400 --> 00:18:53,209
- Oh, can you imagine?
- AMY: You killed it.

431
00:18:53,280 --> 00:18:56,409
You killed better than Chung killed
and he's actually killed.

432
00:18:56,480 --> 00:18:58,130
I had to pretend not to like it to Kent

433
00:18:58,240 --> 00:19:00,368
while pretending to like it
like he was pretending to like it,

434
00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:03,728
but he didn't actually like it
and I actually really liked it.

435
00:19:03,880 --> 00:19:05,086
Oh, hello, sir.

436
00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:09,089
Ma'am, your song last night
made my lips curl.

437
00:19:09,160 --> 00:19:10,685
Upwards.

438
00:19:10,760 --> 00:19:12,888
I have a small favor to ask.

439
00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:15,088
Okay, sure. What can I do you for?

440
00:19:15,160 --> 00:19:17,925
Well, my Dream Metric demographic program
is about to launch

441
00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:21,163
and I would like to borrow a member
of your team for two weeks.

442
00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:22,890
Oh, you want Dan?

443
00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:24,530
No, I want Mike.

444
00:19:24,640 --> 00:19:27,405
No, you don't want me, sir.
You do want Dan.

445
00:19:27,520 --> 00:19:29,124
- He's great.
- I've got a big bounce coming on.

446
00:19:29,200 --> 00:19:30,531
I can feel it. I'm like you.

447
00:19:30,600 --> 00:19:32,250
SELINA: No, you can't take Mike.

448
00:19:32,320 --> 00:19:34,084
He's my director of communications.

449
00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:36,242
Are you kidding me? You can't have him.

450
00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:40,482
(QUIETLY) POTUS's European visit,
the Helsinki agreement...
451
00:19:40,560 --> 00:19:42,961
- Yeah?
- He can no longer make it.

452
00:19:43,040 --> 00:19:48,171
Debt ceiling talks are on the verge of collapse,
so he needs someone to go in his place.

453
00:19:48,240 --> 00:19:51,130
Now either that's the
Secretary of State or...

454
00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:55,401
<i>(CLEARS THROAT)</i>

455
00:19:56,080 --> 00:19:59,209
Mike, on second thought,

456
00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:02,523
I think that this whole Dream...

457
00:20:02,600 --> 00:20:03,931
- Metric.
- Metric.

458
00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:07,891
Dream Metric thing sounds
kind of fantastic.

459
00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:10,531
- Don't you think?
- Yes, ma'am.

460
00:20:10,640 --> 00:20:12,130
Comes from POTUS, so...

461
00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:13,884
KENT: I'll see you down the hallway
in 15 minutes, Mike.

462
00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:15,564
I'll pipe you aboard.

463
00:20:15,640 --> 00:20:17,768
Ma'am, enjoy your trip to Europe.
464
00:20:18,040 --> 00:20:19,405
Thank you.

465
00:20:19,480 --> 00:20:21,960
Jonah will be making the trip as well.

466
00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:25,010
Wait. What are you talking about?

467
00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:29,483
You're taking my director of communications
and you're giving me Jonah?

468
00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:31,562
This comes from POTUS.

469
00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:35,811
Ma'am. Ma'am, please don't let him take me.

470
00:20:35,920 --> 00:20:37,410
I don't want to go to numbers camp.

471
00:20:37,480 --> 00:20:39,440
- I can't help you. Just let go.
- Please. Please.

472
00:20:39,480 --> 00:20:41,084
Let go of me, all right?

473
00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:43,401
Obviously you made an impression on Kent.

474
00:20:43,480 --> 00:20:45,084
I don't make impressions, ma'am.

475
00:20:45,160 --> 00:20:47,925
I've literally lived with people
who insist I was never there.

476
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:49,411
You give no press briefings. Understood?

477
00:20:49,480 --> 00:20:52,086
I become Mike, you become an ugly me.
478
00:20:52,160 --> 00:20:53,889
Cool. I'll handle new media.

479
00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:56,850
Ma'am, I'm gonna get you
major online traction.

480
00:20:56,920 --> 00:20:58,604
Reddit, Tumblr, boom.

481
00:20:58,680 --> 00:21:01,809
Whatever. Just don't use my bathroom
on Air Force Two.

482
00:21:01,880 --> 00:21:03,848
- There's another bathroom?
- Europe!

483
00:21:03,920 --> 00:21:06,241
- Oh, mon dieu.
- Yeah, I know. It's gonna be fun.

484
00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:08,322
- Really, really fun.
- It'll be really fun.

485
00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:09,606
Now, I'm so sorry,

486
00:21:09,680 --> 00:21:11,728
but I don't think we're gonna be able
to do the dinner with Dana.

487
00:21:11,800 --> 00:21:14,883
Oh, we can bring it forward to lunch.
Let's do that.

488
00:21:15,280 --> 00:21:16,770
Yeah? Yeah?

489
00:21:16,840 --> 00:21:19,320
- Oh. Yeah. Okay.
- Yeah? Yeah? Okay.

490
00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:27,449
So cut to I'd set up a business importing
pecorino cheese.

491
00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:29,240
Are you familiar with that brand of cheese?

492
00:21:29,280 --> 00:21:32,011
- I think...
- it's like parmesan, but it's different.

493
00:21:32,080 --> 00:21:35,289
- They're very different.
- What's the word that you use to describe...

494
00:21:35,360 --> 00:21:38,762
- A duskiness.
- A duskiness.

495
00:21:38,840 --> 00:21:42,447
Isn't that great? Would you ever
describe a cheese as dusky?

496
00:21:42,520 --> 00:21:45,330
Not in a million years, no.
I wouldn't do that.

497
00:21:45,400 --> 00:21:49,644
But so you import parmesan?

498
00:21:49,760 --> 00:21:51,569
- Pecoflno.
- I'm sorry, the pecorino.

499
00:21:51,640 --> 00:21:55,247
They're direct from Tuscany,
so that means it comes in through Florence.

500
00:21:55,320 --> 00:21:58,563
If I were to use a Sicilian supplier,
which I wouldn't,

501
00:21:58,640 --> 00:22:00,085
my overheads would double.

502
00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:03,562
And they would have made her an offer
that she couldn't refuse.
503
00:22:03,640 --> 00:22:06,450
Actually, the mafia involvement
in the dairy industry is minimal.

504
00:22:06,520 --> 00:22:08,249
You're right. I'm sorry,
I didn't mean to be flippant.

505
00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:10,482
Think about it. In The
Godfather, no cheese.

506
00:22:10,560 --> 00:22:13,211
- Yeah, you're right.
- You know I'm right. (LAUGHS)

507
00:22:13,280 --> 00:22:15,521
- Boom!
- That's her catchphrase.

508
00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:17,682
She got you. You got to be so careful.

509
00:22:17,760 --> 00:22:18,886
Ha! Okay.

510
00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:21,487
- So, Gary.
- Yeah?

511
00:22:22,360 --> 00:22:26,570
This lunch is about me
saying that I value you.

512
00:22:26,640 --> 00:22:29,928
I cannot tell you,
we are so happy to hear you say that...

513
00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:32,606
If you could just...

514
00:22:32,680 --> 00:22:35,684
And I want to say thank you

515
00:22:35,800 --> 00:22:39,009
for all that you do for me.
516
00:22:39,640 --> 00:22:41,051
GARY: That's so nice.

517
00:22:41,120 --> 00:22:44,044
And I got you a little gift.

518
00:22:44,120 --> 00:22:46,282
- No!
- Yes, I did.

519
00:22:46,360 --> 00:22:48,488
Oh, that's so nice.

520
00:22:48,560 --> 00:22:52,121
Look at this. A new Leviathan.

521
00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:55,443
A new Leviathan!

522
00:22:56,400 --> 00:22:57,970
Isn't that great?

523
00:22:58,040 --> 00:22:59,485
Does it have the same layout, honey?

524
00:22:59,560 --> 00:23:01,560
Because it took you so long
to learn the other one.

525
00:23:01,600 --> 00:23:03,887
No, it's fine. I can learn a new layout.
It's fine.

526
00:23:03,960 --> 00:23:05,724
Do you wish that I had gotten you
a different kind?

527
00:23:05,800 --> 00:23:08,246
No, no, no, no. I love it.

528
00:23:08,320 --> 00:23:11,802
(SING-SONGY) I love my new bag!

529
00:23:13,240 --> 00:23:16,244
I can just sew some new pockets in.
That's okay.

530
00:23:16,320 --> 00:23:18,527
- 'Cause it's a symbol.
- Yeah.

531
00:23:18,600 --> 00:23:20,090
- It's for you.
- Mm-hmm.

532
00:23:20,160 --> 00:23:21,924
- (CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
- Is that for me?

533
00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:24,002
Oh, yeah. That's for you. It's Amy.

534
00:23:24,080 --> 00:23:25,491
Hey, what's up?

535
00:23:25,560 --> 00:23:28,530
The Kent song has suddenly
gotten some negative traction.

536
00:23:28,600 --> 00:23:30,568
- DAN: "References to Europe"...
- I'm putting you on speaker.

537
00:23:30,640 --> 00:23:33,325
"References to Europe
in an ill-conceived song

538
00:23:33,400 --> 00:23:36,131
"performed by VP Selina Meyer
have sparked outrage

539
00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:38,248
- "in parts of the continent."
- What's the problem?

540
00:23:38,320 --> 00:23:40,402
The lyrics "Don't be European, lan,"

541
00:23:40,520 --> 00:23:42,602
"say screw France, Lance," that whole bit.
542
00:23:42,680 --> 00:23:44,603
I'm sending the alert links to your iPad.

543
00:23:44,680 --> 00:23:47,889
Excuse me, Gary. Can I have my iPad?

544
00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:49,405
- Do you have that?
- Oh, right here.

545
00:23:49,480 --> 00:23:51,369
- Here you go. Sorry.
- Thanks.

546
00:23:51,440 --> 00:23:54,250
You know, while you're getting
to know your own mind,

547
00:23:54,320 --> 00:23:56,084
I'm getting to know the rest of you.

548
00:23:56,160 --> 00:23:58,083
- (GARY LAUGHS)
- And Mama likes.

549
00:23:58,160 --> 00:23:59,605
- Um, excuse me.
- Mama like it.

550
00:23:59,680 --> 00:24:01,808
I'm so sorry. Excuse me, Gary,
just for a second.

551
00:24:01,880 --> 00:24:04,281
I don't know what my password is.
Do you know what it...

552
00:24:04,360 --> 00:24:07,240
- it's 4G. You don't need a Wi-Fi, ma'am.
- But the signals are all here.

553
00:24:07,280 --> 00:24:09,282
You know what you got to do
is shut the Wi-Fi off.

554
00:24:09,360 --> 00:24:11,283
That forces it into 4G. You know I'm right.

555
00:24:11,360 --> 00:24:13,488
- Okay, let's not do that.
- SELINA: I'm not sure how to do that.

556
00:24:13,560 --> 00:24:16,086
- No, no, no. That's confidential.
- I won't touch anything.

557
00:24:16,160 --> 00:24:18,925
I won't touch anything.
Oops, I just started a war with Iran.

558
00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:21,128
- Joke.
- That's not even remotely funny.

559
00:24:21,200 --> 00:24:23,646
That's just one of my classic jokes.

560
00:24:23,720 --> 00:24:26,803
- Calamari and zucchini?
- Oh, that would be for Gary here.

561
00:24:26,880 --> 00:24:29,167
- Okay, here you go.
- And maybe some olives?

562
00:24:29,280 --> 00:24:31,806
- Oh, no, no, no, no!
- Get out!

563
00:24:31,880 --> 00:24:33,484
Oh, God.

564
00:24:33,560 --> 00:24:35,289
Well, our European visit

565
00:24:35,360 --> 00:24:37,806
just got turned into a one-way trip to hell
and back.

566
00:24:37,880 --> 00:24:40,087
- That's actually a return.
- You know what?
567
00:24:40,160 --> 00:24:43,050
Could you just shut it
just for like two seconds?

568
00:24:43,120 --> 00:24:45,885
- Why don't we go?
- Yeah, we've got to cut this lunch short.

569
00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:48,691
But, you know, you're gonna
have your bag forever, so what the fuck?

570
00:24:50,120 --> 00:24:52,566
KENT: Good afternoon, gentlemen.

571
00:24:52,720 --> 00:24:55,326
Dream Metric begins at this second.

572
00:24:55,400 --> 00:24:57,368
Today is ground zero. Mike.

573
00:24:57,440 --> 00:24:58,726
Right.

574
00:25:00,440 --> 00:25:02,761
This is the index to America.

575
00:25:02,880 --> 00:25:07,169
It will let us know how people will vote
before they even know themselves.

576
00:25:07,240 --> 00:25:11,609
This program revolutionizes the way
we think about the way we think. Mike.

577
00:25:12,560 --> 00:25:14,050
It's exciting.

578
00:25:17,240 --> 00:25:19,368
"Within the last hour,
the German chancellor

579
00:25:19,440 --> 00:25:22,444
"expressed his disappointment
at the remarks."
580
00:25:22,520 --> 00:25:24,568
Who the hell does he think he is?

581
00:25:24,640 --> 00:25:27,325
"George Dennis of Le <i>Monde</i>

582
00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:30,324
"called the Vice President
a typical American hick."

583
00:25:30,400 --> 00:25:31,606
I think it's pronounced Georges Denis.

584
00:25:31,680 --> 00:25:34,843
I'm not a hick. Screw you, Depardieu.

585
00:25:34,920 --> 00:25:38,003
I think it just got on Reddit and Tumblr
and just exploded from there.

586
00:25:39,280 --> 00:25:40,281
Uh...

587
00:25:40,720 --> 00:25:43,166
Those words sound mighty familiar.

588
00:25:46,280 --> 00:25:47,850
Jonah?

589
00:25:49,800 --> 00:25:51,529
I just liked the song so much.

590
00:25:51,600 --> 00:25:55,810
And I thought you wanted it out there,
so I just put it out there.

591
00:25:58,320 --> 00:25:59,924
Get off the plane.

592
00:26:00,800 --> 00:26:02,086
What?

593
00:26:02,200 --> 00:26:04,885
- Get off of the plane.
- Ma'am, we're taxiing.
594
00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:07,571
I don't give a shit. Get
the fuck off my plane.

595
00:26:07,640 --> 00:26:10,325
Yeah, get the fuck off of my plane.

596
00:26:10,400 --> 00:26:14,086
I cannot believe that you put that
out on Tumble.

597
00:26:14,160 --> 00:26:15,969
- No, Tumblr.
- Okay.

598
00:26:16,040 --> 00:26:19,044
- Stop the engines!
- Can we get Jonah off the plane, please?

599
00:26:19,120 --> 00:26:20,804
Get up.

600
00:26:20,880 --> 00:26:22,450
All of your privileges
are gonna be removed.

601
00:26:22,520 --> 00:26:24,921
- Okay, but not the parking.
- Yeah, the parking.

602
00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:27,287
- Wait, what? You have parking?
- Not anymore.

603
00:26:27,360 --> 00:26:29,761
- Yeah, not anymore.
- But I didn't even own a car.

604
00:26:29,840 --> 00:26:31,968
I just had to sign a two-year lease
for the Nissan Cube.

605
00:26:32,040 --> 00:26:34,771
- Get him off.
- Okay, guys, my bag is in the hold.
606
00:26:34,840 --> 00:26:36,922
- Does he have a big bag?
- Gary.

607
00:26:38,640 --> 00:26:40,404
- Okay.
- Better?

608
00:26:40,480 --> 00:26:42,289
- It's all good.
- It's all good.

609
00:26:42,360 --> 00:26:44,362
- I'm fine.
- Totally fine.

610
00:26:44,440 --> 00:26:46,090
Great.

611
00:26:53,240 --> 00:26:54,605
How long is this flight?

612
00:27:00,400 --> 00:27:02,323
Numbers, they never end, do they?

613
00:27:02,400 --> 00:27:05,370
But that's what's good about them,
they keep going.

614
00:27:09,000 --> 00:27:10,161
GARY: Oh...

615
00:27:10,760 --> 00:27:13,286
He should really be on suicide watch.

616
00:27:13,400 --> 00:27:16,131
Yeah, make sure he goes through with it.

617
00:27:16,480 --> 00:27:17,561
(GARY CHUCKLES)

618
00:27:18,400 --> 00:27:20,323
That's the Latino vote, right?

619
00:27:20,400 --> 00:27:21,845
That thing?

620
00:27:22,760 --> 00:27:25,081
- Mike, my office.
- Yes, sir.

621
00:27:37,040 --> 00:27:38,565
Pen.

622
00:27:39,560 --> 00:27:42,530
I leased a Nissan Cube
from you the other day.

623
00:27:42,600 --> 00:27:45,490
What are my options
if I don't need it anymore?

624
00:27:45,600 --> 00:27:47,443
Can I just give that back?

625
00:27:48,960 --> 00:27:50,246
No?

626
00:27:52,360 --> 00:27:53,691
<i>Paper.</i>

627
00:28:02,600 --> 00:28:04,887
<i>Help the oil lobby, Bobby</i>

628
00:28:04,960 --> 00:28:06,849
<i>Don't piss off Wall Street, Pete</i>

629
00:28:06,960 --> 00:28:10,601
<i>Don't mention Israel, Catherine...</i>

630
00:28:17,680 --> 00:28:22,720
<i>Get out of DC</i>

631
00:28:23,200 --> 00:28:25,646
<i>Steve</i>

632
00:28:29,200 --> 00:28:30,645
<i>Yeah!</i>