“The Bio-Chemical Kerfuffle”

Written by

Lisette Alvarez

Filmgeek11@yahoo.com

310-592-5056
The Big Bang Theory "The Bio-Chemical Kerfuffle" 2
Spec Script October 04, 2010 FIRST DRAFT
5335 N. Cartwright Ave, #1

North Hollywood, CA 91601

COLD OPENING

FADE IN:

INT. PHYSICS DEPARTMENT CAFETERIA - AFTERNOON (DAY 1)

(SHELDON, LEONARD, WOLOWITZ, KOOTHRAPPALI, LUNCH LADY,
DEIDRA, NANCY, EXTRAS)

LEONARD, WOLOWITZ AND KOOTHRAPPALI STAND IN THE LUNCH LINE

WITH OTHER STUDENTS.

WOLOWITZ

So what do you say Raj? It’s only for

this weekend.

KOOTHRAPPALI

I don’t know dude.

LEONARD

Why can’t you stay with Bernadette?

WOLOWITZ

Her mother thinks it’s unholy to sleep

in her bed since we’re not married.

She’d rather I sleep on the couch.

LEONARD

So sleep on the couch.

WOLOWITZ

No way. If I’m going to sleep on the

couch we might as well be married.

The Big Bang Theory "The Bio-Chemical Kerfuffle" 3
Spec Script October 04, 2010 FIRST DRAFT
KOOTHRAPPALI

What is so bad about your Aunt Edna

visiting? Didn’t she pay your Adult

Space Camp?

WOLOWITZ

Only because she brought her three cats.

If the opportunity presented itself, I

can’t exactly entertain my lady if I’m

surrounded by coughed up fur balls. Plus,

I’m deathly allergic.

LUNCH LADY

(TO LEONARD) Catfish?

LEONARD

(GROSSED OUT) No thank you.

KOOTHRAPPALI

So stay at the motel down the street.

WOLOWITZ

Haven’t you seen Dateline? The Hubble

Space Telescope could detect new life

forms from where those sheets have been.

Plus, I only sleep on Egyptian Cotton.

LUNCH LADY

Couscous?

WOLOWITZ

(TO LUNCH LADY) No thank you. (TO OTHERS)

Which reminds me, I can’t be in the same

The Big Bang Theory "The Bio-Chemical Kerfuffle" 4
Spec Script October 04, 2010 FIRST DRAFT
room with her after she’s eaten hummus.

It’s like the Chernobyl disaster.

LEONARD

(TO LUNCH LADY) On second thought, I’ll

have the cat-fish.

THE LUNCH LADY SLOPS THE FOOD ON LEONARDS PLATE.

KOOTHRAPPALI

Okay, you can stay. But I have one rule.

WOLOWITZ

Name it.

KOOTHRAPPALI

No more talk about Aunt Edna.

WOLOWITZ

(SHAKING HANDS) Deal.

THEY CROSS OVER TO THE TABLE WHERE SHELDON SITS AS HE

EXAMINES HIS FOOD WITH A FORK.

SHELDON

Gentlemen, something is amiss with these

tater tots.

LEONARD

Yeah, (TAKES ONE) Ketchup. (AND DUNKS.)

SHELDON

Swell. Now I have to get a new plate due

to your phalanges sullying this excuse of

a lunch.

LEONARD

Anytime.
The Big Bang Theory "The Bio-Chemical Kerfuffle" 5
Spec Script October 04, 2010 FIRST DRAFT
SHELDON CROSSES OVER TO THE LUNCH LINE AND BYPASSES OTHERS

PATIENTLY WAITING THEIR TURN. HE APPROACHES THE LUNCH LADY.

SHELDON

Deidra, you salty old gal. How are you?

DEIDRA

(DRY) What’s wrong today, Sheldon?

SHELDON

Well, it seems that today’s tater-tots

lack in comparison to last week.

DEIDRA

Did you try adding salt?

SHELDON

And risk water retention? Unlikely. I’m

wearing my skinny jeans. (MODELS) They

were a present from my Meemaw.

DEIDRA

Look, we buy the stuff frozen and we just

follow the directions on the box. If you

have a complaint, take it up with the

company. They’re in New Jersey.

SHELDON

New Jersey? It’s common knowledge that

potatoes from Idaho are far superior.

STUDENT IN LINE

Dude, you’re standing in the way of me

and the mac’n’cheese.

SHELDON
The Big Bang Theory "The Bio-Chemical Kerfuffle" 6
Spec Script October 04, 2010 FIRST DRAFT
(TO STUDENTS IN LINE) I’m trying to save

all of you from experiencing a culinary

abomination. You can thank me later.

DEIDRA

I realize your dilemma but it’s not

like you can write a nasty review

on yelp.

SHELDONS

I almost put a Chinese restaurant out

of business after writing a scathing

comment about their Orange Chicken.

DEIDRA

Comforting.

SHELDON

But certainly this can be remedied.

Who does your ordering?

DEIDRA

My niece, Nancy. If you want to speak

with her, I’ll send her over.

SHELDON

Thank you, Deidra. You’ve been quite

helpful. (TO STUDENTS) Carry on.

SHELDON WALKS BACK TO THE TABLE.

LEONARD

Problem solved?

SHELDON

Hardly. I’m awaiting to speak with the

the responsible party who does the food

The Big Bang Theory "The Bio-Chemical Kerfuffle" 7
Spec Script October 04, 2010 FIRST DRAFT
ordering and who also happens to be the

lunch lady’s niece. I wonder if doing

her job is harder than getting the job

without nepotism.

NANCY, A VERY ATTRACTIVE YOUNG WOMAN APPROACHES THE TABLE.

NANCY

Which one of you is Sheldon?

SHELDON LOOKS UP AND IS IN A DREAMLIKE HAZE. The song “In Your

Eyes” by Debbie Gibson is heard.
WOLOWITZ

Sheldon? Wake up. A really hot girl

wants to talk to you. Willingly.

SHELDON REMAINS SILENT BUT CAN ONLY LOOK AT HER.

NANCY

I’m Nancy, the Food Service Coordinator.

I understand you have a problem with

our tater tots?

SHELDON

(RASPY) Ha. Haaaah.

WOLOWITZ

This is amazing. For the first time,

Sheldon is speechless.

LEONARD

(TO WOLOWITZ) Maybe she has him under

a Jedi mind trick.

NANCY

Is there something wrong with him?

The Big Bang Theory "The Bio-Chemical Kerfuffle" 8
Spec Script October 04, 2010 FIRST DRAFT
LEORNARD

Yes. Numerous things.

NANCY

I don’t have time for this. I have to

locate a lost shipment of cheesecake.

Excuse me.

NANCY EXITS. KOOTHRAPALI WHISPERS TO WOLOWITZ.

WOLOWITZ

I agree. If she can do that with her

mind, imagine what the rest of her

could do in the sack.

AND WE:

CUT TO:

MAIN TITLES