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Self-harm is highly prevalent amongst teenagers – but that doesn’t make it any less shocking
for a parent when they find out that their child is hurting themselves. Worried parents often
ask me what they should and shouldn’t say – worried that the wrong approach may make
things worse, so in this blog post I’m sharing a few pointers on what not to say as well as
some advice about how to have a more positive conversation. This advice is all based on
suggestions from young people and provides helpful pointers for friends, teachers or other
staff too.
Don’t judge me
I already feel guilty and ashamed. Don’t make it worse
Many young people don’t open up about their self-harming behaviours because they are
worried that they’ll be judged as crazy or attention seeking. This fear of judgement can act
as a huge barrier to help-seeking and problem sharing and a judgemental attitude will
almost certainly result in the conversation being cut short if you son or daughter was trying
to open up to you. Try to be open and honest in your approach – it’s okay to tell your child
that you don’t really understand and to give them the opportunity to explain a little, but it’s
not okay to make assumptions or judgments about their motivations or behaviours.
Instead of asking your child to stop outright, offer your help in finding the support and
strategies they need in order to develop healthier means of coping.
Instead, try as hard as you can to remain calm. This can take your very best acting skills.
Focusing on your breathing or trying to respond as you would if their injury were an
accident can help you to respond n a more calm and quiet manner. Remember, this is about
them, not about you.
Instead, encourage your child to open up by asking open questions and giving them plenty
of time and space to share their thoughts and feelings. Don’t assume that you know what
the underlying issues or the solutions are. Approach the conversation with an open mind,
ready to explore the issue together with your son or daughter.
Instead of first asking your child why they are self-harming, ask them what you can do to
support them and let them drive the conversation insofar as they are able.
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I’ll be honest, it’s all very easy to say this but if one of my girls were to tell me they were self-
harming I’m sure I’d have to fight every ounce of my innate response to just scream “Oh my
god! Why are you doing this to yourself? Please promise me you’ll never do it again…” whilst
looking wild-eyed and panic stricken. However, I would do my best to stay calm, focus on my
breathing and to try to offer listening and support. And if I got it wrong first time, I’d revisit
the situation as quickly as possible and apologise to my daughter and ask her to let me try
again. We all make mistakes – it’s how we respond to them that really matters.