God…Me

By Dr. Hanaan Balala

Like many, I grew up deeply rooted in the traditions of religion and prayer. Prayer, ritual and
otherwise, was central to life and took on the flavour of supplication; "pleading" for this, that or
the other. "God save me; God give me; God forgive me; God help me; God protect me; God...me,
if you get my drift.It is only now, with increasing awareness that I am acutely present to just how
‘lope-sided’ that relationship was. It is as if I was at the mercy of some arbitrary being and, thus,
whom I related to on the basis of Fear. The phrase "where is the Love" now strikes me as more
than just a catchy Black Eyed Peas tune for, sadly, if Love plays no part in our relating to that
which we call God, how is one human to relate to the other with Love? Just as children emulate
adults, humans emulate God as we each conceive Him/Her. And if God can be arbitrary, wrathful
and fear inducing at will, is it any wonder that some humans assume the right to act accordingly?
Is God really so, or is this an image of a god created by some humans at some point in history
and doled out to the masses as part of a power ploy still rooted in our present civilization? And
why, in any case, do we subscribe to such a god? If God created us utterly crippled in
dependency to Him/Her, how are we to be the wholesome, empowered and accountable human
beings that our religions claim us to be? 

What is the purpose of free will, If our destinies are in the 'hands of God'? And above all, I needed
to understand how I could Love a God I related to on the basis of fear; a God that was arbitrary
and at times wrathfully so. I had to reconcile within myself what, to me, appeared to be an
unsatisfactory, if not untenable, state of being. Believing as I did, I would ‘sit on my hands’
praying, waiting for God to make this or that happen; to give me this or that; to make me this or
that; to save me from this or that... After all, if it was God's will,I believed, it would happen; all I
had to do is be patient and believe.[Come to think of it, the “law of attraction” gurus feed us the
same diet only they have substituted our “god image” for their own and sold it to us dear. Who is
the fool in this game? I know I was!] So deeply ingrained was this belief in me that it permeated
my Life in entirety. It was, so to speak, my World view or rather how I viewed my world. 

Forget that I could create my own reality; I had no awareness of my thoughts to begin with.
Looking back, I was stupendously blind and dumb. It is no exaggeration to say that I was 'sleep
walking' through life. And this is not to say I was a bum, far from it! By most standards, I was -
perhaps still am - an 'over achiever' but it was as if I was running on a programme that was in fact
'running me'. The joke’s on me when I say, all the while, I was an avid runner. I'd run twice a day if
I could, I'd run when happy, I'd run when sad, I'd run come rain, snow or shine. I would also run
from every problem and every relationship (all the various kinds). 

The tragedy is that society, myself included, seemed to ‘value’ me most when in fact I valued my
self least; when I had absolutely no awareness of who or what I am...merely executing a
conditioning I trained myself to ace.Then one day I stopped ‘running’ - metaphorically or inwardly.
It began with an overall lethargy of being . I paused to ask what I was doing; I paused to ask why I
was so miserable despite having everything; I paused to ask the question I had never dared ask:
what I wanted! 

That was my 'mistake' I am told because once I stopped to question, my house of cards, as
pretty as it appeared, fell apart and the answers streamed in... Life, for me, has never been the
same since. It's like I was whacked hard on the head and woke up. My, what I mess I awoke to - a
mess it's taken me over two years to see, sort and start to get through. Eventually, I also stopped
running physically or outwardly and much to my chagrin, I realise now that my desperate need to
run physically, including from relationships of every kind, was simply a reflection of the
desperately futile flee I was inwardly (in-worldly) executing from my 'self'.

 All my outward (or out world) engagements and conduct merely reflected my inner reality yet as
much as I would run from any unfavourable reflection, I would soon entangle myself in a set of
others, for to be alone and face myself was untenable. I had to be doing  something at all times,
even when I was alone. Escapism, in all its various kinds, was the ‘order of the day’ and this was
not to say I was on a drug of any kind other than the delirium inducing ego-illusion. I was deeply
rooted in the identity of ‘I’ separate and distinct from ‘you’ and any/all ‘other/s’. A desperately
lonely existence that no achievement or crowd can dissipate.

So here I am, then, ‘face to face’ with myself after over 30 years of blind, unquestioning
compliance to a programming I had internalised perfectly. The good news, in hindsight, is that the
pain of facing up to one’s self is worth the healing (returning to wholeness) that ensues.The
challenge is seeing the light at the end of the tunnel

whilst in the tunnel of self-enquiry because a sense of trust makes the process easier in its
unfolding. The process itself, however, is infinite and once you open to trusting it, it unfolds
through you in its multitudinal ways.

So much for your running and self-realisation, I hear you say, where is God in all this? What does
‘God’ have to do with ‘Me’? Well, Everything. 

An appreciation of the All, which we call God, cannot Be without an appreciation of one’s self; that
which I herein refer to as Me. Hence the Greek adage that implores, “know thyself”. You see, I
awoke to the fact that God is not some superman or supermarket awaiting my pleas and
entreaties; God IS; All that Is. God is sooner in a flower, in a stunning sunset scene on a serene
summer evening, in the face of a cooing baby, than in a human being down on one’s knees in
desperate pleas. God is in the still and silent, in the knowing Heart of every human being.  Thus,
how is God to give or save or help or protect one who does not help, save or protect one’s self?
And how does one protect, help, save or give one’s self if that same one has no awareness of the
self? How many of us await God’s intervention whilst we could very well, with a sense of self-
awareness that nurtures intuition, have pre-empted, prevented or corrected the situation of
circumstance at hand? I know I did, and sometimes still do, when I slip back into a once habitual
way of being. I would be bold enough to admit instances of denying myself X, Y or Z whilst
awaiting (or rather insisting) God  give it to me. 

Why is it, I questioned in hind sight, could I not see that perhaps God, not being a physical
manifestation, had graced me with the ability to create what I need rather than appearing at my
door step with my request at hand? The story of a drowning man who turns a rescue boat away
declaring, “god will save me” is not just a solitary jester; it is in fact a joke expressing every human
trapped in the illusion of separation that no better description than delusion befits.