Kira Marsh

Studio 6 - Revision

Studio 6 – Revision

Reflection on Revision Chapter

This chapter on revision was, for the most part, helpful, entertaining, and a semi-new perspective
form me.

Most all the activities seemed reasonable, and I will definitely do at least one. Something I was
worrying about in regards to my draft was that it was too reliant on other sources. No one that
read it, including Professor Campbell, said that it was, however I am still not sure. The
“Wrestling with the Draft” activity where you highlight pieces of evidence and pieces of your
own writing not only included an interesting metaphor but a great way to prove or disprove my
worry. I will definitely be doing this. The only thing that could make it easier for me is if I knew
clearly what constituted as ‘my thought’ – is clarification part of ‘my thought,’ for example? It
seems that it is according to the chapter, but that claim doesn’t feel right to me. Additionally,
directing the reader’s response is something that I feel I must do by Tuesday the 20th so I can get
a good idea as to what major revisions I should do. But in addition to the questions posed in the
chapter, I feel I should also ask what research they think is missing. I didn’t use one of the
sources in my annotated bibliography, so is that missing or actually unnecessary? I think the
latter; however, a reader might think differently. Finally, whether or not I do the “Cut and Paste
Revision” is dependent on how much the margin outline helps me. This is because the margin
outline sort of has the same purpose, except no cutting is involved. If I feel the need to literally,
physically move and cut my paper around after the margin outline, if I am still unsure as how to
revise after doing all the other activities, I will do it. If not, I will save time and start revising.
Still, all of these tasks could definitely come in handy for any future paper revisions I do.

Other information and tips presented in the chapter were not as helpful as the activities overall.
The “Facts on the Web” table at the end of the chapter was the part that seemed the least helpful.
Most all of the sources listed don’t really pertain to my EIP. Maybe I could use American
Factfinder and other sources under “General,” however I think I have a reliable place to go for
statistics on my topic without having to use another source. It’s a good thing to come back to in
the future, but seems irrelevant to me right now. Furthermore, I already knew some of the points
made throughout the chapter, like how revision is more than just fixing minor errors and the
three main things that you should make sure a paper does. Some of his wording was interesting,
like reader-prose vs writer-prose, and it is good to have a checklist with explanation, but these
parts were more of a reminder than new information to me.

Even with these known points, he still had his moments. His real-life examples were the most
entertaining, persuasive part of the chapter. The connection he made to his high school girlfriend
and revision in the beginning pulled me in and made me feel supported – I feel the same way
about my drafts. Moreover, when he gave examples of how his students found the activities
helpful, changed their drafts, and illustrated his points, I better understood what he was saying
and how it could pertain to my draft. Using stories and examples in general seem like a good
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Studio 6 - Revision
way to engage the reader and get them to understand your topic, and I feel I should do more of
that in my EIP.

This chapter kind of scared me at the prospect of revising, especially with all the other things I
have to do. Like he said in the beginning of the chapter However, by using the exercises outlined
as well as the margin outline and Thanksgiving break, I think I can make it manageable. I never
knew that there were so many useful activities to help with revision!

--------------------Margin Outline Starts on the Next Page--------------------

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Studio 6 - Revision

Margin Outline

I. Intro Story Pt. 1

a. Asks Question to Sister
II. Intro Story Pt. 2
a. Big unbelievable answer to previous question
III. Unacceptable Because Sleep is Important
a. Sister does not have a good sleeping schedule
b. Twerny says why sleep is important
i. Affects various parts of the body + body systems
ii. Linked to various diseases (obesity, heart disease, infection)
c. Many people don’t sleep
d. Connection back to story: My sister’s sleep loss might seem like it’s from parents,
but it’s not
IV. Standalone – Answer to Who is, We
V. Me and Sleep
a. My current sleeping schedule (crazy)
b. My sleeping habits were fine before college
c. Not until I started college did my sleeping schedule end up going downhill
VI. College Students Sleep Less, Why College Students Matter
a. Turner study shows incoming graduate students sleep less and less
i. It went from. 95% of pediatric students getting >6 hours of sleep to 74%
in two years
b. Studies show adolescents are most at risk of chronic sleep loss, poor sleep quality,
and significant daytime sleepiness, + twice as likely than the general population to
report negative sleep outcomes
c. So best to target college students in getting American sleep back to normal
i. Best to shape a person’s habits early on so doesn’t become poor
ii. Good for influencing others
d. Peach says attitudes and habits developed at this point in time can be solidified
into the identity well into adulthood
VII. Why Wrong In the First Place – Question/Intro
a. Ask why college students are sleeping less
i. Answering key to figuring out how to solve
b. A good guess is that college students don’t have time because complaints& new
schedules
VIII. Standalone – “Not True” to Guess
IX. There is Sleep Loss Because of Attitudes – General
a. College students have to adapt to new schedules so they can adult
b. It is actually sleep attitudes that cause the withstanding sleep loss
X. Proof Sleep Loss is Caused by Attitudes
a. Hannah Peach’s 2015 dissertation found attitudes were a great predictor of
knowledge, self-reported sleep duration, quality, etc
b. Less good sleep was to student’s schedules, less likely they are to sleep as
recommended
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Studio 6 - Revision
c. This is supported by results of National Sleep Foundation Poll in 2018
i. 65% of Americans felt sleep contributed to next day effectiveness, but
only 10% put sleep as a top priority
1. This is second to last place
ii. This makes sense based on me and my friend’s habits.
d. Students at Dartmouth explain in their own point of view and support this
reasoning as well (intro)
XI. Standalone Quote from Student at Dartmouth
a. “I always thought sleep was a waste of time,”
XII. Standalone Quote from Student at Dartmouth
a. “If there’s something that has to be done…I usually sacrifice sleep,”
XIII. TL;DR of Sleep & Attitudes
a. We understand why sleep is important but other things are just more essential
and/or fun
XIV. How Can We Change the State of the Problem: Intro + What Professionals Say
a. Ask: How change, do we need to?
b. Psychologists and doctors say we should intervene
i. Pediatrician Teri Turner said “education on those issues are
needed…begins”
ii. Peach said intervention is a good solution to this issue
XV. Doctors/Psychologist Solution Doesn’t Work in Most Cases
a. It does not explain why me and my best friend don’t sleep properly after taking
course with Peach
b. People already know why they should sleep, so telling them again won’t matter!
c. For intervention to work, students have to first-handedly experience the effects
i. Dartmouth students, for example, didn’t truly understand why good sleep
is better than caffeine until they slept properly
ii. Like understanding why one movie is better than the other
d. Yosef Brody (psych) says most effective proven long-tern treatment for insomnia
is short-term cognitive behavioral therapy
i. This is voluntary, one on one, and controlled. Why it is an exception
e. For intervention to work, people have to be willing to try to sleep regularly at
least for a little while
XVI. Bridge to Other Solutions
a. Humans are resistant to change!
b. Ask: what if they won’t try/trend continues
c. There is only one solution
XVII. Standalone: The Sleep Game Will Change Completely
XVIII. We Can’t Just Not Sleep, and Drugs are Only Beneficial in the Short Term
a. Sleep debt is the negative increasing effect of not getting enough sleep
i. Builds up over time
ii. Increases negative effects of sleep like concentration and high blood
pressure
iii. Clear that those with sleep debt at significant disadvantage
1. Can get fired/have heart attack easier
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Studio 6 - Revision
b. Caffeine/energy drinks only give initial bursts of energy, but like drugs can cause
dependence and withdrawal symptoms
c. Researchers linked sleeping pills to premature death
d. So must sleep normally or change needs
i. Ask: can we change needs?
XIX. We Try to Advance Sleep in a Negative Way
a. We need roughly half as much sleep as other primates due to evolution (we made
sleep more efficient)
b. Dr. Raj Dasgupta says “any doctor worth his salt will tell you we will be sleeping
less in the future”
c. Technology has been pushed immensely since I was born, why not sleep?
XX. Technology as a Solution to the Problem
a. Ian Pearson thinks it will change how we satisfy the same need for sleep
b. Dasgupta thinks it will be used to change our sleep needs
XXI. My Opinion on the Two Technology Stances (both at least somewhat correct)
a. Peach and Turner would likely support tech if Pearson reason – to better sleep
hygiene, creat
b. But current trends seem to point towards it eventually shifting to trying to sleep
less
i. Dasgupta points out quotes society focuses on and how this shows this is
true
c. It will happen, but further research is needed to know how safely and fast it will
be
d. Dasgupta has inferences that are not certain
i. If sleep tech grows as fast as others, who knows?
XXII. Sleep Schedule Intro + B-Society
a. Ask: will/should we change sleep scheduling
b. Answer depends on cause of deprivation and how promising new schedules are
c. B-Society thinks we should start the day later
i. Early vs Late Chronotype
d. This doesn’t seem likely because it doesn’t fix the issue of sleep attitudes
i. Connection to me and my family
XXIII. Polyphasic Sleep Scheduling
a. Many college students I know seem to favor this
b. It is when sleep is split up in multiple pieces instead of one long session
c. Promising because many animals found to be on that scheduling
d. Still, difficult to determine how promising because…
i. Scientists don’t fully understand monophasic sleep
ii. Polyphasic sleep has only been truly tested by amateurs
e. Based on sleep procrastination and the crazy schedules of college students, seems
like the solution will be taken messily
f. Ask: Is is good?
i. Unknown, more research must be conducted
g. Due to average job hours, crazy college hours, and how inconsistant people get
with their sleep, it seems like it will be used irregularly, inconsistently, and for the
wrong reasons
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Studio 6 - Revision
i. Article title “…Save… Spent in Bed” shows this
h. Doing this without knowing the consequences like decreasing sleep in general
could have drastic outcomes.
XXIV. Conclusion: Review
a. Sleep is important but less people are doing it
b. College students are everything, mainstay of cause and solution
c. What is the future?
i. Good solution is to target college students to change, but how so depends
on many factors
1. Willingness to change
2. Viability of Solutions
3. Connection to Reason we Aren’t Sleeping in the First Place
d. To conclude, need research
i. Could be a mix or none of the solutions
e. Regardless people like me and my sis & friend have to take matters into our own
hands for now
f.
XXV. Conclusion: Larger Picture
a. Sleep is a mystery, and uncovering it could better the life of Americans
everywhere by:
i. Ending and uniting arguments
ii. Allowing people to be fully, pleasingly rested
b. But if so quick to change the innate and mysterious sleep, why not something else
that will cause our downfall?
i. Have we already?
ii. Does it matter?
XXVI. Standalone: Sleep Tight
a. Common remark relevant to topic + fitting