Married For Life 2018

Hope Now
Married for Life

Portions for Weeks 1-35 Adapted from Gottman Method Couples
Therapy Level 2 Assessment & Intervention © 2007
Rick Reynolds
10-8-2018
The content in these pages is a compilation from the Married for Life 52-week
program. The copyright belongs to Affair Recovery LLC. All rights Reserved. No part of
this book may be distributed. Please continue to refer back to the EMSO Married for
Life program online for updated content.
Married for Life : Introduction ...................................................................................................... 3
Week 1: Marriage .......................................................................................................................... 6
Week 2: Why We Fight................................................................................................................ 13
Week 3: Attachment Distress...................................................................................................... 17
Week 4: Truth in Love ................................................................................................................. 19
Week 5: Record Your Discord...................................................................................................... 20
Week 6: The Protest Polka .......................................................................................................... 21
Week 7: Freeze and Flee pt.1 ...................................................................................................... 24
Week 8 Truth in Love .................................................................................................................. 27
Week 9: Anger ............................................................................................................................. 28
Week 10: Finding the Raw Spots ................................................................................................. 34
Week 11: 100 Appreciations ....................................................................................................... 45
Week 12 Truth in Love ................................................................................................................ 52
Week 13: Revisiting the Scene of the Crime ............................................................................... 53
Week 14: Love One Another ....................................................................................................... 59
Week 15: Engaging and Connecting ............................................................................................ 60
Week 17: The Dance of Engagement .......................................................................................... 64
Week 18: Steps to Forgiveness ................................................................................................... 65
Week 19: Sex, part 1 ................................................................................................................... 69
Week 21: Connecting through Sex & Touch ............................................................................... 73
Week 22: Sexual Identities .......................................................................................................... 76
Week 23: Love ............................................................................................................................. 78
Week 25: Sex and Marriage ........................................................................................................ 81
Week 26: Winning the Battle of the Mind, part 1....................................................................... 82
Week 31: Getting It ..................................................................................................................... 89
Week 33-34: Affair Proofing........................................................................................................ 92
Copyright 2018 by Affair Recovery, LLC. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted
in any form without the express written permission of Affair Recovery, LLC. Based in Austin, TX and with a global reach,
AffairRecovery.com specializes in helping people heal after infidelity. To learn more about weekend retreats or online courses,
visit www.AffairRecovery.com.
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Week 36 What’s a Boundary ....................................................................................................... 94
Week 37 Ten Laws....................................................................................................................... 97
Week 38 Setting Boundaries ..................................................................................................... 100
Week 39 It Takes Two ............................................................................................................... 103
Week 40 : Values ....................................................................................................................... 106
Week 41 : Love God .................................................................................................................. 108
Week 42 : Love Your Spouse ..................................................................................................... 110
Week 43 : Honesty .................................................................................................................... 112
Week 44 : Faithfulness .............................................................................................................. 116
Week 45 : Forgiveness .............................................................................................................. 119
Week 46 : Holiness .................................................................................................................... 122
Week 47 : Intruder Protection .................................................................................................. 125
Week 48 : Kinds of Conflict ....................................................................................................... 128
Week 49 : Boundary-Loving ...................................................................................................... 131
Week 50 : Boundary-Resistant .................................................................................................. 134
Week 51 : Avoiding Misuse ....................................................................................................... 137
Week 52 : Conclusion ................................................................................................................ 141
Resources .................................................................................................................................. 142
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MARRIED FOR LIFE : INTRODUCTION
Married for Life is the follow-up curriculum for EMS Online and EMS Weekend. It consists of
conference calls with your small group. In Married for Life, the group will begin to rotate the
moderation duties among participants. Since much of the material is for marital enrichment,
the moderator will need to just keep the conversation flowing and make a forum post to recap
for any participants who are absent.
The curriculum in Married for Life focuses on your relationship in and beyond recovery.
 why we fight,
 how we fight,
 how to reinforce the good moments in your marriage,
 becoming friends again,
 the sexual relationship and
 many other topics.
Remember, that if you choose to continue in Married for Life, you'll need to abide by the
terms of your new contract. Please print and sign this page and share the signature page with
your mate. What he or she chooses is a personal choice, so please don't base your decision on
your mate. Even if only you participate, your marriage and life will still benefit.
As you continue in Married for Life also remember that the goal is to learn the material well,
not just to get through the lessons. So let it soak in and change your life. Go over a lesson
twice in your group if it seems to benefit you. Do all the lessons and start again as a group or
on your own. Remember, we're not born with the skills needed to live in a healthy
relationship, so it is incredibly, undoubtedly *worth* your time and effort.
CONTRACT – MARRIED FOR LIFE

I, hereby agree to the terms set forth in the following contract:
1. Commitment: I agree to complete the next 90 days of the course, "Married for Life,"
before making a decision to either stay or leave this marital relationship.
2. Participation: I will do my best to complete all assignments. (These assignments are
not just for your benefit, but they are also for the benefit of the community of
wounded people that will be a part of your journey. I cannot stress how important it is
to complete the homework. Failure to do so will not only rob those participating with
you in this journey, but it will also rob you of the opportunity for personal growth.
Finally, failure to complete the homework won't be good for your marriage. You do
not want to be the only person who has not completed their homework. This will only
serve to create more hurt and discouragement for your mate.)
3. Confidentiality: I agree to respect the anonymity of other group members. The group is
intended to remain totally anonymous, but if by some strange chance I discover the
actual identity of one of the group members, I agree to protect his or her anonymity
and confidentiality.
4. Honesty: I agree to attempt to be rigorously honest while participating in this group,
speaking the truth in love, doing my best not to further wound my mate or other
group members.
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5. Respect: I agree to let others be wrong. We have found in doing hundreds of these
groups that it is possible for people not to get it. The tendency is to want to help them
by trying to make them understand. I agree to let them be wrong, only expressing my
opinion after receiving their permission to share.
6. Attendance: I agree to make every effort to attend all group meetings. I understand
my participation is not only important for my own healing, but I also bring an
important piece to the healing process of other group members.
7. Safety (for the "unfaithful" spouse): During this 90-day process I will focus on my
personal healing and explore the potential for my marriage. I will not make a
permanent decision until the group has been completed. I agree not be verbally or
physically abusive to my mate.
8. Safety (for the "hurt" spouse): I will make every effort not to be abusive to my mate
over the next 90 days, either verbally or physically. I will attempt to be safe enough for
him or her to engage with me in this process. (For some this may be difficult, but it's
important to honour this process even if it doesn't seem fair.)
Signed ________________________ Date ____/______/______
Signed ________________________ Date ____/______/______
Signed ________________________ Date ____/______/______
Signed ________________________ Date ____/______/______
GROUP COMMITMENTS – MARRIED FOR LIFE

1. “Let’s begin with our commitment to one another: We agree that we will be open and
honest with each other, speak the truth in love and with kindness, treat pride and strife as
enemies to our oneness, embrace change when change is needed, and run this race with
joy, gladness, and perseverance. “
2. “I’d like for us to visit the Group Rules before we get started. We will do this each week as
part of our opening ritual.
a. First, let us remember to keep everything that is said in the group confidential.
b. Second, let us not interrupt or give advice – keeping in mind that each person is on
their own unique journey. We can encourage and share what has worked or not
worked for us personally, but we will refrain from telling others how they should do
something.
c. We will always make our presence on a call known.
d. We will be sensitive to all on the call and encourage all to participate equally “
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WEEK 1: MARRIAGE
VIDEO NOTES
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OUTLINE FOR VIDEO:
• The Three Keys to Marriage
o The Second Law of Thermodynamics
o All People are Scum
• Romanticism vs. Oneness
Romanticism Oneness
• Two people longing to be • Two people joined together
together but are not. • It’s far better to want what you don’t
• Intimacy in Romanticism have than to have who you don’t want.
is almost always • Intimacy in marriage always creates short
validated. term instability.
• God Created Marriage to make us Miserable
o The Purpose of Marriage is to draw me to God
o It is God’s primary people growing machine.
o My mate is not my problem; my mate just reveals the problem in me.
• Our Natural Solutions
• The Idolatrous Marriage the Four Flesh Responses:
1. I’ll bludgeon my mate and help them become what they need to be
2. I’ll compromise who God made me to be in order to make them happy
3. I’ll withdraw and begin to get my needs met else where
4. I’ll try to quit loving them because if I can quit caring it won’t hurt so much if
they don’t love me back.
• David Wilcox - A Break in the Cup
I try so hard to please you. To be the love that feels you up

I try to put on sweet affection, but I think that you've got a broken cup.
Because you can't believe I love you, I try to tell you that there's no doubt.
But as soon as I fill you with all I've got, that little break will let it run right out
I cannot make you happy, I'm learning love and money never do,
But I can pour myself out tell I'm empty trying to be just who you want me to.
But I cannot make you happy, even though our love is true
For there is a break in the cup that holds love inside of you
Now I begin to understand you, as you explain this fear you feel.
It's when you see me fall into that sorrow, it makes you doubt the love is real
Because the lonely wind still blows through me I turn away so you can't see.
But now how could I still be so empty, with all this love you poor out on me?
I guess you cannot make me happy, that's a money back guarantee.
But you can poor yourself out tell your empty trying to be just who I want you to be
You cannot make me happy, It’s just the law of gravity
In that break in the cup that holds love inside of me.
So if you’re tempted to rescue me drowning in this quick sand up to my neck
Before you grab my hand to save me why don't you ask me if I'm finished yet.
Because you cannot make me happy, Not when I'm empty inside of me
But you can pull yourself right in here with me,
My misery would love to have your company.
We cannot trade empty for empty, We must go to the water fall
For there is a break in the cup that holds love inside us all
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• Characteristics of Successful Marriages
o Five to One Ratio
o Increase emotional responsiveness and sense of connection
o Able to decrease the negativity in the negative
o Able to increase the positive in the negative
GOALS FOR THIS COURSE
1. Increase Emotional Responsiveness
a. Goal: To rediscover respect and a curiosity for knowing my mate
i. Develop a positive lens for mate
ii. Focus on the positive
iii. Look at mate with new eyes
iv. Learn to communicate emotions
2. Enhance Physical Desire
a. Goal: Choose to engage in the discipline of oneness
i. Inhibited sexual and relational desire is a primary problem
ii. Identify ways you avoid intimacy and why?
3. Increase Spiritual Connectedness
• Goal: Physical and Relational Intimacy
• The Three Components of Desire
i. Physiological
ii. Belief and Motivational component
a. What do you believe it about and why should you?
b. Initial sexual experiences
iii. Choice Component
a. Barriers
i. Resentments
ii. Anger
iii. Control
• Spiritual Desire
o Goal: Develop a deeper meaning for your relationship
 Focus on learning how to love
 Learn to see God in one another
 Develop a common spiritual focus
In Married for Life, it will be important for you to be there, to be present for your marriage and
for your own continued recovery. Refer to this set of questions as necessary to remind yourself
and your mate how to be present.
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ARE YOU THERE? - QUESTIONS DDMMYY DDMMYY
From your viewpoint, is your partner accessible to you?
1. I can get my partner's attention easily. T F
2. My partner is easy to connect with emotionally. T F
3. My partner shows me that I come first with him/her. T F
4. I am not feeling lonely or shut out in this relationship. T F
5. I can share my deepest feelings with my partner. S/he will listen. T F
From your viewpoint, is your partner responsive to you?
1. If I need connection and comfort, s/he will be there for me. T F
2. My partner responds to signals that I need him/her to come close. T F
3. I find I can lean on my partner when I am anxious or unsure. T F
4. Even when we fight or disagree, I know that I am important to my
partner and we will find a way to come together. T F
5. If I need reassurance about how important I am to my partner, I can
get it. T F
Are you positively emotionally engaged with each other?
1. I feel very comfortable being close to, trusting my partner. T F
2. I can confide in my partner about almost anything. T F
3. I feel confident, even when we are apart, that we are connected to
each other. T F
4. I know that my partner cares about my joys, hurts, and fears. T F
5. I feel safe enough to take emotional risks with my partner. T F
Score one point for each positive. If you scored over 7 then your relationship is well connected,
but if not then you might want to work on the emotional responsiveness in the relationship.
Share your answers with your mate. Remember, this is about how you’re feeling about the
current state of the relationship, it’s not about whether either of you have been perfect. It
does give you a place to start from. Don’t be discouraged, if there weren’t problems there
would be no need for this course.
WEEK #1 QUESTIONS FOR “MARRIAGE”

1. What messages about love/marriage did you receive from your parents? Your community?
Was reaching out to others seen as a strength and resource?
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2. Before your present relationship, did you experience a safe, loving relationship, with
someone you trusted and could turn to if needed?
3. Did past relationships teach you that loved ones were unreliable and that you had to be
vigilant and fight to be seen and responded to?
4. Can you remember a time when you really needed to know a loved one was with you? If
they weren’t what did you learn from it? How did you cope?
5. In your present relationship, can you ask your partner, let him or her see, when you need
closeness and comfort?
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LESSON NOTES
Review the Group Commitments at the beginning of each call.
1. High/Low
2. Share about something from the video that either made you stop and think or that really
encouraged you.
3. In what ways do you see yourself growing in your capacity to love?
4. What personal flaws or weaknesses must you overcome in order to show love
consistently?
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5. In what ways do you see your spouse growing in their capacity to love you?
6. What do you think about the notion that love is a choice?
7. Does anyone know how the Bible defines love?
1 Corinthians 13:4 “Love is patient, kind, does not boast, does not envy, is not proud. It is
not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love
does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always
hopes, always perseveres.“
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WEEK 2: WHY WE FIGHT
VIDEO NOTES
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Our attachments are the most important aspect of our life. As these attachments are
threatened we experience a type of primal manic and can have an involuntary
response to check to see if you’re still there for me. Attempts at reconnection isn’t
always positive. This is one of the few aspects of our life where we’d rather be in a
fight than be alone.
Problems in marriage typically aren’t the problem; it’s our hearts attitude
toward the problem. Typically, our passion about the topic at hand is driven by our
need for the attachment. These attachment needs are the drivers behind negative
interactions. When safe connections are lost we go into fight or flight mode. We either
get aggressive to get a response or we close down and try not to care. Both are
terrified, we just use different strategies to cope with it.
Change comes in secure moments of secure bonding. When both partners can
hear each other’s attachment cry. When we experience the oneness that we were
intended for.
Think of a disagreement you’ve had this week. From a 40,000-foot view, can
you identify ways this might have made you feel disconnected?
What messages of love did you get from your parents?
Before your present relationship, did you experience a safe loving relationship with
someone you trusted, felt close to? Do you have an image in your head? Share a
typical moment that captures this relationship and share it with our partner.
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Have past relationships taught you that loved ones were unreliable and that you had
to be vigilant and fight to be seen and responded to?
Name two things a safe accessible, responsive, and engaged mate would do on a
typical day and how those things would make you feel at that moment.
In your marriage, can you ask your partner when you need closeness and comfort? Is
this easy or difficult?
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When you feel disconnected or alone in your present relationship, are you likely to get
emotional or anxious and push your partner to respond?
Can you think of bonding moments in your relationship when one of you reaches out
and the other responds in a way that makes you both feel emotionally connected and
secure? Share this with your partner.
What are the three demon dialogues?
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WEEK 3: ATTACHMENT DISTRESS
This week keep a record of your disagreements and bring an example of one for the group.
Notice how each of your disagreements all stem from "attachment distress". Notice how
feeling unheard or misunderstood is always the trigger for our dance.
Date Disagreement
Also, complete the following exercise.
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HOMEWORK: THE CONCLUSION
I imagine that today I am to die. I ask for time to be alone and write down for my
friends a sort of testament for which the points that follow could serve as chapter
titles.
1. These things I have loved in life:
• things I tasted,
• looked at,
• smelled,
• heard,
• touched.
2. These experiences I have cherished:
3. These ideas have brought me liberation:
4. These beliefs I have outgrown:
5. These convictions I have lived by:
6. These are the things I have lived for:
7. These insights I have gained in the school of life:
• insights into God,
• the world,
• human nature,
• Jesus Christ,
• love,
• religion,
• prayer.
8. These risks I took; these dangers I have courted:
9. These sufferings have seasoned me:
10. These lessons life has taught me:
11. These influences have shaped my life (persons, occupations, books, events):
12. These scripture texts have lit my path:
13. These things I regret about my life:
14. These are my life's achievements:
15. These persons are enshrined within my heart:
16. These are my unfulfilled desires:
I choose an ending for this document: a poem-my own or someone else's; or a prayer;
a sketch or a picture from a magazine; a scripture text; or anything that I judge would
be an apt conclusion to my testament.
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WEEK 4: TRUTH IN LOVE
This week, we'll be revisiting an exercise from EMSO - Speaking the Truth in Love. Here
are the guidelines again, though they can also be found in your workbook. This
exercise will be repeated every four weeks to get you in the habit of keeping short lists
that you talk about often rather than a list of grievances that run 10 years long until
someone blows up. The Truth in Love activity helps you to see your mate through a
new lens; it allows you to discuss issues within the marriage but still asks you to take
notice of the good in your mate. Every four weeks may seem overly redundant, but the
goal here is break old habits and, ultimately, to increase intimacy.
1. List 3 things you appreciate about your spouse:
a. Describe what it is you appreciate
b. Give a specific example
c. Tell him/her how it makes/made you feel
2. List 3 amends you need to make (current or historical)
a. Specify what you did or didn't do
c. Tell them how you think it must have made them feel
d. Ask for forgiveness
3. List 3 wounds and or offenses you have
a. Describe what happened that hurt or offended you
b. State how that made you feel...start with "I feel or felt..."
c. Tell them what you need or desire as a result of this
d. Tell them whether or not you harbor a root of bitterness over it
4. List 3 additional things you appreciate about your spouse using the guidelines
above.
We realize that for some of you this may not be an easy exercise. But what we are
trying to help you do is to get the emotional/relational slate clean between the two of
you and to keep it that way! That's why we will have you do this every 4th week for
several weeks to come! Remember that what you are shooting for in your marriage is
loving, honest, consistent communication in your relationship. You have got to learn
how to share who you are and what you feel naturally and consistently.
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WEEK 5: RECORD YOUR DISCORD
There is no video or written homework for this week. However, there IS homework.
When you come to the group this next week you're going to be doing your highs and
lows as well as reviewing the fight of the week. I'd like the group to try and identify
which of the demon dialogues is present in each fight.
Record your disagreements this week. Try to identify which of the demon dialogues is
present in each fight. Share your findings with your group.
Date Disagreement
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WEEK 6: THE PROTEST POLKA
VIDEO NOTES
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In your current relationship what do you do when you feel disconnected
or unsafe?
Do you protest or withdraw?
Get critical and try to change your lover? Or Shut down and tell yourself
that any longing for reassurance is risky?
Can you think of a specific incident when withdrawing and not responding
worked for you in a relationship? What happened after your withdrawal?
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Now think of a time when moving away and shutting down didn’t work.
Are there times when the two of you get stuck in the protest polka?
See if you can pin down each person’s moves; Can you see the whole
feedback loop? Describe it by filling in the blanks:
The more I __________________________________________________,
the more you _________________________________________________,
and then the more I
____________________________________________, and round and
round we go.
Come up with your own name for the dance and share how it erodes the
sense of connection in your relationship.
He says, when you turn me down, I chase you more and badger’ you for
explanations. The more I do this, the more you move away and guard your
space. She says, yes, and the more criticized and demanded from I feel,
the more overwhelmed I get. So I turn away from you more and more.
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WEEK 7: FREEZE AND FLEE PT.1
VIDEO NOTES
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When _________________________________________________________________,
I do not feel safely connected to you. (fill in the cue that starts up the music of
disconnection.)
I tend to _________________________________. I move this way in our dance to try

to cope with difficult feelings and find a way to change our dance. (chose and action
word)
I do this in hope that ___________________________________________________.

Sate the hope that pulls you into the dance e.g. We will avoid more conflict.
As this pattern keeps going, I feel __________________________________________.

E.g. frustration, anger, numbness, emptiness.
What I then say to myself about our relationship is____________________________
______________________________________________________________________.
Summarize the most catastrophic conclusion you can imagine.
My understanding of the circular dance that makes it harder and harder for us to safely
connect is that when I move in the way I described above, you seem to then
___________________________________________________________________.
Choose an action word such as shut down or push me to respond.
The more I _______________________________________________, the more you
______________________________. We are then both trapped in pain and isolation.
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Maybe we can warn each other when this dance begins. We can call it
___________________________________________________________________.
Seeing this dance is our first step out of the circle of disconnection.
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WEEK 8 TRUTH IN LOVE
This week, we'll be revisiting Speaking the Truth in Love again. I want to encourage you
not to allow the exercise to become monotonous, but to continue really trying to
connect with your spouse using this exercise.
4. List 3 additional things you appreciate about your spouse using the guidelines
above.
We realize that for some of you this may not be an easy exercise. But what we are
trying to help you do is to get the emotional/relational slate clean between the two of
you and to keep it that way. That's why we will have you do this every 4th week for
several weeks to come. Remember that the goal in your marriage is loving, honest,
consistent communication. You have got to learn how to share who you are and what
you feel naturally and consistently.
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WEEK 9: ANGER
You might have discovered by this point that there’s still a little bit of
anger left over even if you’ve forgiven your mate. That would be normal.
For that reason, let’s do a refresher for this week.
Please go back in your EMSO workbook and review the section on

“Anger”.
Usually the afterglow of the EMS Online has faded by this time. If you’re
finding the going a bit more difficult, don’t be discouraged it’s normal. In
fact, you may have discovered the temperature beginning to rise as it
relates to anger. Again that is normal.
As we mentioned during EMSO, life is hard and anger is only a secondary

emotion.
As the pain, fear or feelings of inadequacy increase so will the anger.
I once had a guy tell me he knows God’s physical address. “Where is it I
asked?” “He can always be found at the end of your rope” he replied. How
true it is. If you feel you’re already beginning to reach the end of your rope
then don’t be discouraged, usually that’s the point where you’ll find God.
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VIDEO NOTES
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This week read Psalm 139 together each night before you go to sleep. It’s a wonderful
reminder that we God is not out of control even when we may feel at the end of our
rope.
Psalm 139 New Living Translation (NLT)
For the choir director: A psalm of David.
1 O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me.
2 You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I’m far
away.
3 You see me when I travel and when I rest at home. You know everything I do.
4 You know what I am going to say even before I say it, Lord.
5 You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand!
7 I can never escape from your Spirit! I can never get away from your presence!
8 If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the grave, [a] you are there.
9 If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
10 even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me.
11 I could ask the darkness to hide me and the light around me to become night—
12 but even in darkness I cannot hide from you. To you the night shines as bright as
day. Darkness and light are the same to you.
13 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my
mother’s womb.
14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is
marvellous—how well I know it.
15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together
in the dark of the womb.
16 You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.
17 How precious are your thoughts about me,[b] O God. They cannot be numbered!
18 I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up,
you are still with me!
19 O God, if only you would destroy the wicked! Get out of my life, you murderers!
20 They blaspheme you; your enemies misuse your name.
21 O Lord, shouldn’t I hate those who hate you? Shouldn’t I despise those who oppose
you?
22 Yes, I hate them with total hatred, for your enemies are my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of
everlasting life.
Footnotes:
139:8 Hebrew to Sheol.
139:17 Or How precious to me are your thoughts.
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For the group meeting this week list out five things your mate’s anger says about
them.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Be prepared to share this at the next group meeting.
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WEEK 10: FINDING THE RAW SPOTS
VIDEO NOTES
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• What’s a “Raw Spot?”
o A hypersensitivity created by moments in a person’s past when an
attachment need is neglected, ignored or dismissed
• Triggers for Raw Spots Are The Two D’s
1. Emotionally Deprived
2. Emotionally Deserted
• Sources of Raw Spots
o Stem from wounds in past relationships
o Can also stem from current relationships
• Reactions to Raw Spots
o Often blind to their existence
o Secondary reactions
 Withdrawal and Rage
 Emotionally numb out
 Strike out in anger
 Underlying Central emotions
 Sadness, Shame and Fear
• Stuck in Demon Dialogues?
o Caused by attempts to deal with Raw Spot
o If I hit your wound…
 Response will generally hit mine.
o Demon Dialogue is the result
• Solutions
o Curb demon dialogues
o Finding and soothing the raw spots
 If healthy family, then Raw Spots not as problematic
 If unloving or unstable family, then goes much deeper and more
difficult to change
• Signs a Raw Spot is Hit
o Shift in emotional tone of a conversation
o Response to offence seems out of proportion
o Experience primal attachment needs and fears
o Emotions take over
• Raw Spot Progression
o Attachment cue captures our attention
o Our body responds
o Our intellect is a little slow
o We are programmed to move in a particular way
o Toward, Away from or Against our partner
• Emotional Reactions
o Anger - approach and fight
o Shame - withdraw and hide
o Fear - Freeze and flee
o Sadness - primes us to grieves and let go
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QUESTIONS FOR “FINDING THE RAW SPOTS”
1. Attachment Cue
a. Identify a time when you suddenly felt disconnected from your mate
b. What emotion did you feel?
2. How Does Your Body Respond?

a. What do you experience in your body?
b. Can a body experience help you give that reaction a name?
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3. How does your brain respond:
a. How does your brain interrupt the meaning of those emotions?
b. What do you say to yourself when this happens?
4. What do you do then?
a. How do you move into action?

 Yell?
 Withdraw?
 Criticize?
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Complete or respond to the following sentences about a recent incident:
1) Questions for you about you:
1. In this incident the trigger for my raw spot was ______________________
2. On the surface I showed _______________________________________
3. Deep down I felt ______________________________________________
4. What I longed for was _________________________________________
5. The main message I got about me or our bond was __________________
6. Is the raw spot just for mate or for others?__________________________
7. What’s the origin? Did it arise from (mark all that apply):?
 ___ Parents
 ___ Siblings
 ___ Another romantic relationship
 ___ Peers
 ___ From your current relationship?
8. When I feel the pain are there ghosts?
2) Questions for you about your mate:

1. Does your mate get it?
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2. Do they see your wound?
3. Do they just see your reactive surface emotions?
4. Can you guess one of your partner’s raw spots?
3) Share with Your Partner

1. If possible, share your answers with your partner
2. If you don’t feel safe can you at least share the worst thing that could
happen if you were to share with them?
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4) Couple’s Practice - share a time when …
1. Your mate responded in a way that helped you feel close. What did your
mate do?
2. You both felt disconnected

a. Who turned up the emotional heat?
b. Who tried to turn it down and avoid strong emotions?
c. Come up with a phrase that describes how you deal with those
emotions
1. I turn to stone
2. I go into battle mode
3. I go icy
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USE THESE TEMPLATES TO TALK ABOUT WHAT IS GOING ON.
When I think of sharing my softest feelings with you here, it is hard to do. My worst
fantasy is that what will happen is __________________________________________.
I moved in the dance by (shutting down etc.) _________________________________
and I felt
_______________________________________________________________.
When I heard/saw (attachment cue)
_________________________________________, I just felt
_______________________________________________________________.
When we get stuck in our cycle and I _______________________________________
(use an action word, e.g., push), I feel ____________________________________
(surface emotion). The emotional trigger for my sense of disconnection is when I
see/sense/hear ________________________________________________________
(the attachment cue). On a deeper level, I am feeling
____________________________.
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WEEK 11: 100 APPRECIATIONS
It is very important to acknowledge the positive aspects of your partner’s personality.
Many times when people are upset with one another they lose sight of the positive
aspects of their partner and of the relationship. Take some time to reflect and think
about aspects of your partner’s personality that you appreciate, hold dear, find cute,
or adorable then give an example of each appreciation. Below is a list that will help you
get started.
It is not exhaustive so please feel free to add others…
Aspects An example of the appreciation
1. Loving
2. Sensitive
3. Brave
4. Intelligent
5. Thoughtful
6. Generous
7. Loyal
8. Truthful
9. Strong
10. Energetic
11. Sexy
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12. Decisive
13. Creative
14. Imaginative
15. Fun
16. Attractive
17. Interesting
18. Supportive
19. Funny
20. Considerate
21. Affectionate
22. Organized
23. Resourceful
24. Athletic
25. Cheerful
26. Coordinated
Copyright 2018 by Affair Recovery, LLC. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any
form without the express written permission of Affair Recovery, LLC. Based in Austin, TX and with a global reach, AffairRecovery.com
specializes in helping people heal after infidelity. To learn more about weekend retreats or online courses, visit www.AffairRecovery.com.
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27. Graceful
28. Elegant
29. Gracious
30. Playful
31. Caring
32. A great friend
33. Exciting
34. Thrifty
35. Shy
36. Committed
37. Involved
38. Expressive
39. Active
40. Careful
41. Reserved
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42. Adventurous
43. Receptive
44. Reliable
45. Responsible
46. Dependable
47. Nurturing
48. Warm
49. Virile
50. Kind
51. Gentle
52. Practical
53. Lusty
54. Witty
55. Relaxed
56. Beautiful
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57. Handsome
58. Silly
59. Calm
60. Lively
61. A great spouse
62. A great parent
63. Assertive
64. Protective
65. Sweet
66. Tender
67. Powerful
68. Flexible
69. Understanding
70. Vulnerable
71.
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72.
73.
74.
75.
76.
77.
78.
79.
80.
81.
82.
83.
84.
85.
86.
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87.
88.
89.
90.
91.
92.
93.
94.
95.
96.
97.
98.
99.
100.
101.
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MILESTONE: THE FIRST 90 DAYS OF MARRIED FOR LIFE
Congratulations on making in through the first 90 days of Married for Life. Now you have
the opportunity to re-commit to another 90 days. Please return to the intro page of MFL
and re-sign the contract for the next 90 days if you are willing.
SPEAKING THE TRUTH IN LOVE

This week, we'll be revisiting Speaking the Truth in Love. I hope you are beginning to get in a
rhythm of looking for the good in your spouse, realizing you both make mistakes, and
sharing wounds in a way that feels safe for both of you.
4. List 3 things you appreciate about your spouse using the guidelines above.
We realize that for some of you this may not be an easy exercise. What we are trying to help
you do is to get the emotional/relational slate clean between the two of you and to keep it
that way. That's why we will have you do this every 4th week for several weeks to come.
Remember that what the goal in your marriage is loving, honest, consistent communication.
You have got to learn how to share who you are and what you feel naturally and
consistently.
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WEEK 13: REVISITING THE SCENE OF THE CRIME
VIDEO NOTES
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Review:
 Name two raw spots for your mate
 Name two of your own raw spots
 What triggers your mate’s raw spot?
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• Reconnection - To reconnect we have to:
1. De-escalate the conflict
2. Create a basic emotional safety
• Revisit the scene of the crime
o Identify a past conflict and analyse your dance
o Apply what you’ve learned
o Figure out how to smooth the ground
o Slow down and ask “What just happened here?”
• De-Escalating Disconnection -- stopping the game
o Claiming your own moves
o Claiming your own feelings
o Owning how you shape your partner’s feelings
o Ask about your partner’s deeper emotions
o Sharing your own deeper, softer emotions
o Standing together
o Taking Responsibility
• Recognize your impact on your partner
o Explore what emotion your engagement triggers in your mate
o Revisit a conflict and ask for the deeper emotions they were feeling
o Recognize Your Partner’s Fear
 How do you know your partner’s relational fear has been triggered?
 How can you tell when your relational fear alarm has been triggered?
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EXERCISE:
PART A - TOGETHER IDENTIFY A BRIEF SKIRMISH
1) From the perspective of a fly on the wall write a description of what happened
2) Write your moves and identify how your behaviours link with your mates and influence
your mate’s moves
3) Add in the feelings you both had and how you helped to create this emotional response
in your mate.
4) Identify the deeper feelings that might have occurred
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PART B - USING THIS INFORMATION:
1) Write out what might have been said had the two of you been able to stand together
and ended in a way leaving both of you feeling safe.
2) What would that be like for you?
3) How would you have felt about each other and your relationship?
4) Now try these steps with a difficult unresolved incident. Don’t worry if you get stuck just
ask if there’s any way you can help them feel more connected to you.
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PART C - WHAT IF?
If you could take moments of conflict and handle them this way what impact would that
have on your relationship? Write your answer and share with your partner
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WEEK 14: LOVE ONE ANOTHER
This week's assignment - Love one another. See how you can put that into practice this
week. Be sure to use the forum to encourage one another, too!
It may seem a simple task, but love is hard work, especially loving well. To help you identify
areas where you may be able to show your spouse more love, I've borrowed a couple
excerpts from The Love Dare by Stephen and Alex Kendrich.
The Love Dare is a compilation of 40 quick lessons on what love means, coupled with a dare
to complete that day to put the lesson into practice. I've selected 2 excerpts for you to
complete this week.
DAY 1: LOVE IS PATIENT
Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.
Ephesians 4:2
Although love is communicated in a number of ways, our words often reflect the condition
of our heart. Your dare is to resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to
your spouse at all. If the temptation arises, choose not to say anything. It’s better to hold
your tongue than to say something you’ll regret. To go even further with this dare, do at
least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness.
DAY 2: LOVE ENCOURAGES

Guard my soul and deliver me; do not let me be ashamed, for I take refuge in You.
Psalm 25:20
Eliminate the poison of unrealistic expectations in your home. Think of one area where your
spouse has told you you’re expecting too much, and tell them about it. Promise them you’ll
seek to understand, and assure them of your unconditional love.
Spend some time journaling about what was easy and what was difficult for you about
completing the dares. Talk with your spouse about their experience as well.
Kendrick, Stephen and Alex. The Love Dare. Nashville: B & H Publishing Group, 2009. Print.
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WEEK 15: ENGAGING AND CONNECTING
VIDEO NOTES
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DEEPER INTO ONENESS
• If created in the image of God
o We image the love of God
o We image the oneness of God
• Oneness / Attachment
o Our most basic need
o Secure Bond
THE NEXT LEVEL
Going deeper requires two revelations
1) What am I most afraid of?
a. When it comes to being one
b. When it comes to being known
2) What do I need most from you?
a. Learning to be vulnerable to your partner
b. Granting the access to your core being
WHAT AM I MOST AFRAID OF?
o What blocks you from saying how you feel? Fear, shame, sadness, loss?
o The terrible “if”

o What’s the worst thing that might happen if you do this?
o The catastrophic core fear? Alone? Helpless? Rejected?
o What’s it like to share these fears with your mate?
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PRACTICE
• The most withdrawn partner goes first
o Share your core fears with your mate
o Share what it was like to reveal them
• The listening partner
o Share what it was like to hear the disclosures
o Was it easy or hard to understand? If hard at what point did it become hard?
o What feelings came up?
WHAT DO I NEED MOST FROM YOU?
• Share about a past secure relationship
o If that person were in front of you
• What would you tell them is your deepest attachment need?
• How do you think they would have answered?
• Now share what you need most to feel secure and loved.
HERE’S A LIST OF PHRASES
I need to feel…
• I am special to you and that you really value our relationship and that I’m number one
with you.
• I am wanted by you, as a partner and a lover, that making me happy is important to you
• I am loved and accepted, with my failings and imperfections. I can’t be perfect for you.
• I am needed. You want me close.
• I am safe because you care about my feelings hurts and needs.
• I can count on you to be there for me, to not leave me alone when I need you the most.
• I will be heard and respected. Please don’t dismiss me or leap into thinking the worst of
me. Give me a chance to learn how to be with you.
• I can count on you to hear me and to put everything else aside.
• I can ask you to hold me and to understand that just asking is very hard for me.
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consistently.
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WEEK 17: THE DANCE OF ENGAGEMENT
This week we’re going to continue the study of how we engage and disconnect. Watch your
interactions and try to identify what each time your dance begins. It would be helpful if one
of you plays scribe. Remember this isn’t about right or wrong, it’s about how we do the
dance. Each of you has a part.
Bring your examples to the group meeting this next week.
Date When we began ‘the dance’
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WEEK 18: STEPS TO FORGIVENESS
VIDEO NOTES
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Step One. The injured partner speaks their pain as openly as simply as possible.
1) Stay focused on describing the pain (don’t try to make a case against your
mate), how it affects your sense of safety with your partner.
2) At that moment did you feel: Deprived of comfort, deserted and alone?
devalued by my partner, did your mate feel like the source of danger rather
than a haven of safety?
Step Two. The injuring partner listens and validates the wounded partner’s pain and his
or her part in it.
1) Until the wounded party believes their mate “gets it” they can’t let it go
2) If the injuring mate fails to understand how they’ve hurt their mate, how can
they feel safe and depend on them in the future.
Step Three. Reverse the “Never Again” vow.
1) The wounded spouse begins by and shares the depth of their loneliness,
grief, and despair.
2) The injuring spouse states a desire for another chance.
Step Four. The injuring partner takes ownership of the injury they’ve inflicted on their
mate and express regret and remorse.
1) This is not an impersonal or defensive apology, such as “Look, I’m sorry,
okay?
2) This is not about explaining how what they did caused you to do what you
did.
3) Need to show that our mate’s pain has an impact on us.
i. Make it clear you care about their pain
ii. Let them know that their pain and anger are legitimate.
iii. Own what you did that was hurtful
iv. Express personal disappointment at your behaviour
v. Reassure that you’ll be there to help them heal
Step Five. Address the attachment injury
1) The injured partner identifies what they need to bring closure to the trauma
2) How they need their partner to respond differently
3) I need your comfort and support
Step Six. Transforming the loss
1) The couple creates a new story
2) The couple captures the injuring event
3) Establishes how it happened
4) How they together confronted the trauma and began to heal it
HOMEWORK
• Think of a time when you were wounded by someone other than your mate:
What was the main cue for that hurt? A remark, a specific action or lack of action?
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• Ask yourself:
o Did I feel deprived of support?
o Did I feel deserted?
o Devalued?
• See if you can share it with your partner
APOLOGIZING (EVEN IN SMALL THINGS)

• Rate how easy it is for you on a scale of one to ten to apologize? __________
• Have you ever voiced regrets in the following way?
o The four-second “where’s the exit” apology. “Yes, well, sorry about that. What’s for
dinner?”
o The minimizing responsibility apology. “Well, maybe I did that but…
o The forced apology. “I guess I am supposed to say …”
o The Instrumental apology. “Nothing is going to work till I say this, so…”
• Can you think of a time you hurt a loved one?
o Deprived them of your support, comfort, or maybe even deserted them?
o Can you imagine sincerely acknowledging this to them?
o What might you say?
o What might be hard for you to acknowledge?
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o Statements others use sound like this…
 “I pulled away. I let you down.”
 “I didn’t see your pain and how you needed me. I was to preoccupied. I just
shut down”
 I didn’t know what to do. I got caught up in feeling stupid.
• Now address a specific injury in your relationship
o Sharing partner: share your hurt while your partner listens. If this is hard then start
with a relatively small hurt. Avoid vague hurts.
 Include the following if you can
• Is there one moment when the hurt crystallized?
• What was the trigger for the pain?
• What was the primary feeling?
• What moves did you make to protect yourself?
 Tell your partner what you had hoped from them in that incident.
• What it felt like not to get that response.
 Express how it feels right now to be sharing this with them.
 Try not to indict your mate.
o Listening partner, try to hear their pain and share what it evokes in you.
 See if you can help your mate understand your response at the time of injury.
• Don’t blame your mate
• Dig deep and discover for yourself how this response evolved.
• See if you can identify what happened in terms of attachment
needs
• As the one who did the hurting can you…
o Recognize your partner’s experience?
o How you inflicted the pain?
o Can you apologize?
 Doing this gives your loved one a great gift
o As the injured mate, can you accept the apology?
 This allows trust to begin to grow again
 It puts the two of you on a new footing
• Sum up the conversation with your partner in a short story about the painful event, the
impact it had on your relationship, and how you both recovered and intend to ensure it
doesn’t happen again.
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WEEK 19: SEX, PART 1
VIDEO NOTES
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DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
1. Before you got married, what were you taught about what marital sex was supposed to
be like?
2. Who taught you this?
3. Is the reality of marital sexual life different from what you expected, and if so, how?
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4. How do you feel about that idea that it is a wife’s “duty” to submit to her husband’s
sexual appetite?
5. In our culture, do you feel that women are granted permission to be healthy sexual
beings?
6. Who do you think has more power in the sexual dynamics of a marriage, the husband or
wife?
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consistently.
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WEEK 21: CONNECTING THROUGH SEX & TOUCH
VIDEO NOTES
NOTE: there is an error in the video. Rick and the intro screen are inaccurate about the course/week.
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LESSON TOPIC: THREE TYPES OF SEX
Watch the video and use these guidelines for the exercise presented in the video
COMMUNICATION GUIDELINES:
1) Preparation:
1. Each person needs to take the time to write out what they want to
communicate. Take time to listen to your real feelings. Use “I” messages to help
your spouse hear what you are saying.
2. Decide who will be the communicator and who will be the listener.
3. Find a place where you can meet without interruptions.
4. When the first spouse is satisfied that he or she was heard correctly then switch
roles.
5. The communicator begins by sharing his or her thoughts and feelings about the
designated topic. Try to maintain eye contact with your mate. Assume a body
position which will transmit your willingness to communicate to your spouse.
2) The Listener’s Responsibilities:
1. While the first spouse is sharing his or her responses, your job is to put aside
your own feelings, thoughts, and judgments about what is being said and your
response to the same question.
2. Assume a body position that communicates to your spouse that you are listening
to what they are saying.
3. Put into words what you heard your spouse say. You may want to use different
words to communicate the same concept. Then express to your spouse how you
think they are feeling and attempt to validate what they have communicated. i.e.
“What you say makes sense because ... Avoid labels, judgments and evaluations.
3) The Communicator’s responsibilities:
1. The communicator needs to listen carefully to the reflected response of the
listener.
2. Assume a position that maintains eye contact as your spouse attempts to
validate and empathize with you.
3. Either affirm that you communicated accurately and were heard or clarify,
rephrase or add to your first message. If your words did not communicate clearly
the first time, then try new ones.
4) Topics to cover:
1. I am interested in opening our sexual communication because...
2. I would hope that by learning more about your sexuality I will...
3. Sexually I view myself as...
4. The best thing about me sexually is...
5. The thing I want most to work on sexually is...
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WEEK 22: SEXUAL IDENTITIES
VIDEO NOTES
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DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
1. As a child, how did you discover that boys and girls were different? What feelings did
this awareness kick-up in you?
2. As a child, did you have a name for your genitals, and if so, what was it and who gave it
to you?
3. As a teenager, where did your primary information about sex come from?
4. What do you remember your church teaching you about sexuality when you were
young?
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WEEK 23: LOVE
This week's assignment is simple, but don't let it deceive you. It can still be hard to carry out.
This week, meditate and journal on the phrase "Love one another." What does it mean to
you, to others, to God, how does it look, how does it feel, what does it require, what does it
entail? Remember it frequently this week and see if you can look at it from a different and
new perspective each day.
SUMMARY FROM JOURNAL ENTRIES ON:

What does "Love one another." mean to me
What does "Love one another." to others
What does "Love one another." to God
How does "Love one another." look
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How does "Love one another." feel
What does "Love one another." require
What does "Love one another." entail
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MILESTONE: THE SECOND 90 DAYS OF MARRIED FOR LIFE
Congratulations on making in through the second 90 days of Married for Life. Now you have
the opportunity to re-commit to another 90 days. Please return to the intro page of MFL
and re-sign the contract for the next 90 days if you are willing.
SPEAKING THE TRUTH IN LOVE

consistently.
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WEEK 25: SEX AND MARRIAGE
This week's video and homework continue the discussion on sex.
HOMEWORK:
Write down at least two points that John makes that you feel are relevant to your life right now.
VIDEO NOTES
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WEEK 26: WINNING THE BATTLE OF THE MIND, PART 1
This week's video and homework are about fighting the battle of the mind.
VIDEO NOTES
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HOMEWORK:
Choose one point made that doesn't sit well with you and try to discern why.
Also choose one point you really identified with and why.
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This week's video and homework are about fighting the battle of the mind.
VIDEO NOTES
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HOMEWORK:
What hinders you from winning the battle?
In light of this week and last week, what will your next steps be towards victory?
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This week, we'll be revisiting Speaking the Truth in Love. For this exercise, focus on the word
love .
Really seek to convey love in each part of the exercise, even the wounds.
consistently.
LOVE
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VIDEO NOTES
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VIDEO NOTES
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WEEK 31: GETTING IT
This week, we'll be working on "Getting It". If you completed EMSO, you may recognize this
lesson from Week 8.
It's a crucial concept, so we're going to revisit it. I'm confident that it will benefit you to look
it over again.
Remember, this is another emotionally difficult week, so give yourself plenty of time to
devote your full attention to the materials so that you can really let the information sink in.
Please watch the video, read the chapter, and complete the assignment.
VIDEO NOTES
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THE LETTER
Come to the group ready to share and to read the letter you have written. Pay close
attention to the directions so that you understand the intention of the letter and the
perspective from which you are to write your letter.
Also, we realize this is an uncomfortable exercise. But please hang in there and complete it
because it is very important to the hurt spouse's healing. It is truly "pain with a purpose"
and worth your time, energy and discomfort.
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This week, we'll be revisiting Speaking the Truth in Love. Challenge yourself to come up with
at least one appreciation your spouse has not heard yet.
consistently.
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WEEK 33-34: AFFAIR PROOFING
For the next two weeks we're going to explore relapse prevention and setting good
boundaries. Watch this week's video and write down three actions you can take to protect
your marriage.
VIDEO NOTES
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This week, we'll be revisiting Speaking the Truth in Love. I hope you're continuing to find this
exercise helpful. Allow me to encourage you once again not to permit the activity to become
monotonous, but to allow it to change your heart. There is a lot more I want to cover within
these 52 weeks, so this is the last time you'll see Truth in Love as its own separate week. I
hope you'll continue to do this exercise regularly, although it will be up to you and your
spouse to determine what 'regularly' means to you.
consistently.
COMING WEEKS
After completing this week's lesson, we suggest that the group embark on a book study of
"Boundaries in Marriage" by Henry Cloud.
We'll provide discussion questions and of course the conference call. Each couple or
individual will need to purchase their own copy of "Boundaries in Marriage". Our links will
direct you to Amazon.com to purchase, but you are welcome to use any merchant.
In preparation for next week, simply read the introduction and bring your thoughts and
observations to the group.
Remember, the longer you stay together as a group, the more successful your recovery can
be.
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WEEK 36 WHAT’S A BOUNDARY
MILESTONE: THE THIRD 90 DAYS OF MARRIED FOR LIFE
Congratulations on making in through the third 90 days of Married for Life.
As we near the end of the course, you have the opportunity to re-commit to another 16
weeks. Please return to the intro page of MFL and re-sign the contract for the next 16 weeks
if you are willing.
"BOUNDARIES IN MARRIAGE" BY HENRY CLOUD

Now that you have completed week 35, we suggest that the group embark on a book study
of "Boundaries in Marriage" by Henry Cloud.
We'll provide discussion questions and of course the conference call. Each couple or
individual will need to purchase their own copy of "Boundaries in Marriage".
For this week, simply read the introduction and bring your thoughts and observations to the
group.
Remember, the longer you stay together as a group, the more successful your recovery can
be.
WHAT'S A BOUNDARY, ANYWAY

1. The book likens a boundary to a property line. As you wrap your brain around this concept (of a
personal boundary), what would you liken a boundary to? Would you use the property line
word-picture or does something else come to mind?
2. A boundary implies that you are responsible for the things that exist in your personal property.
What are some of those things? (p. 21)
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3. How often would you say you make your spouse responsible for what you are feeling (even if
you only do so in your head/heart and not to them personally)? Most of the time? Some of the
time? Seldom? Explain.
4. Being completely honest with yourself, do you believe (or perhaps have believed in the past)
that your spouse is responsible for how content and satisfied you are in your marriage and
perhaps even in your life?
5. As you consider your relationship over the past five years or so, do you believe the relationship
has been more "for you", "for your mate", or "for the marriage?"
6. What does it take to transform your marriage into one of real intimacy – of truly knowing each
other and abiding in love?
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7. How often would you say you feel a "victim" of whatever your spouse says or does or does not
do? -- Live constantly feeling like a victim? Occasionally feel like a victim? seldom, if ever feel like
a victim?
8. The book says that boundaries need to be permeable. What does that mean? What should we
let in? What should we keep out?
9. If our words are used to delineate boundaries (e.g. "no I don't like that") then what can happen
when one is silent?
10. Are you able to maintain a distinct sense of who you are as a person in the context of your
marriage? Why or why not?
Page 96 of 142
WEEK 37 TEN LAWS
APPLYING THE TEN LAWS OF BOUNDARIES
1. Is the principle of sowing and reaping a Biblical one? Find a verse in the Bible that refers to this
principle. Where is it and what does it say?
2. If you desire a sweet harvest of intimacy, companionship, and warmth in your marriage, identify
some specific things you can do and say that will yield the kind of harvest you ultimately want in
your marriage. Share them with your group.
3. What size of a crop would you like to yield in your relationship? Big or little? Is there a
correlation between how many seeds you plant and the size of the crop? Explain.
4. As you begin to increase your understanding of boundaries as they relate to your marriage, what
feelings – if any – are coming up for you? Explain.
Page 97 of 142
5. Do you believe that you give your spouse the freedom to have a different opinion than you do?
Do you believe you give your spouse the freedom to say "no" to you? Or to want something
different? Would they agree?
6. As you go through this process of shoring up your boundaries with one another (as needed of
course), what heart attitude and emotional tone should you have with one another?
7. Do you treat your mate the way you would want to be treated? How about the way they want to
be treated? Explain.
8. What motivates you in your day to day relationship with your spouse? In other words, do you
approach each day desiring God to love them through you – for His glory and honor or do you
tend to live to get your own needs met?
Page 98 of 142
9. Which of the 10 Laws is the least clear to you? Identify it to the group and let others in the group
share their understanding of it.
10. Choose one of the 10 that you really want to hone in on and try and improve in your marriage.
Ask the group to brainstorm some specific action steps you might consider taking in order to
help you reach your goal.
Page 99 of 142
WEEK 38 SETTING BOUNDARIES
SETTING BOUNDARIES WITH YOURSELF
1. How does changing your perspective from blaming your spouse for a problem to identifying your
response as the problem empower you? As you begin to change your way of looking at problems
in the marriage, what continues to be the role of communication? In other words, is it still
important to lovingly ask your spouse for what you want? Is it still important to aim for mutual
compromise and agreement?
2. Do you see yourself as a problem solver? Do you see this role increasing in your relationship?
Problem-solver implies action. Who typically in your relationship has been the more active
problem solver or has this role been shared equally?
3. How can staying stuck in the "this isn't fair – I shouldn't have to do this" negative perspective be
potentially harmful to you? Your marriage?
4. How important to you is your own spiritual and emotional growth? Are you growing and
changing in a God-ward direction? What does this look like?
Page 100 of 142
5. Has there been a "good spouse" – "bad spouse" dynamic in your relationship? What pay-off
have you enjoyed/experienced that reinforces this dynamic and keeps it going? What can you do
to bring these two extreme identities on a more equal footing?
6. Do you live by the same rules and expectations that you impose on your spouse? Does your
spouse agree or disagree? What exceptions would he or she point out?
7. As you begin to examine ways of changing the power structure in your relationship, are you
proceeding lovingly and with compassion and patience or are you tempted to demand "new
rights" that you now feel entitled to? What motives should you be led by? How should you
approach the changes you are attempting to make?
8. How safe do you feel sharing your inadequacies/fears etc. with your spouse? Does your spouse
know you well enough to be able to identify these things in you? Does he/she know because
they have observed them and/or because you have shared them?
Page 101 of 142
9. How difficult is it for you to stay hooked up emotionally to your spouse? Have experiences prior
to your marriage shaped you in such a way that emotional withdrawal is a strong tendency?
10. Several character weaknesses were mentioned: Failure to take responsibility, Self-centeredness,
and judgmentalism. Do you struggle with any of these? To what degree? Would your mate
agree?
11. In what ways, if any, do you attempt to control your mate (guilt, anger, withholding love,
assaulting their boundary)?
Page 102 of 142
WEEK 39 IT TAKES TWO
IT TAKES TWO TO MAKE ONE
1. A "complete person" is able to give love and receive love, be independent and self-sufficient, live
out values honestly, be responsible, have self-confidence, deal with problems and failures, live
out their talents, and have a life. Wow. Do you believe you were complete when you married?
Do you believe you have matured/gotten more complete as you have been married? In what
areas above do you believe you are the most complete?
2. Does your spouse support and encourage your personal growth? Do you support theirs? In what
is this true or not true?
3. The authors use the terms "complete" and "complement". Are they the same or different? How
so?
Page 103 of 142
4. On page 91, a partial list of abilities that make one mature and responsible. Look over the list
carefully and objectively. Choose the two that you think are your strengths and two that would
be your weakness. Ask your spouse to do the same for you. Then compare notes (if you dare!)
Each of you should do this exercise.
5. Do you value your spouse’s feelings, thoughts, opinions, preferences and attitudes? How do you
express this?
6. Do you tend to treat your spouse as if he/she exists to make you comfortable and to meet your
needs?
7. What percentage of the time do you feel you compromise? What percentage of the time do
you? Feel that your spouse compromises? Compare notes but don't argue! You can agree to
disagree, if your opinions differ significantly.
Page 104 of 142
8. Do you believe that each of you is "free" to engage in activities, hobbies, appropriate
friendships, etc.? Why or why not?
OPTIONAL MONTHLY TRUTH IN LOVE

Revisiting Speaking the Truth in Love. Challenge yourself to come up with at least one
appreciation your spouse has not heard yet.
that way. That's it is beneficial for you to do this every 4th week ongoing. Remember that
what the goal in your marriage is loving, honest, consistent communication. You have got to
learn how to share who you are and what you feel naturally and consistently.
Page 105 of 142
WEEK 40 : VALUES
WHAT YOU VALUE IS WHAT YOU WILL HAVE
1. What do you value in a friendship? What do you value in marriage?
2. The author identifies "seeking one's own happiness and immediate comfort" as one of the worst
values in life and especially in marriage. Why does he say this? How guilty of this have you been
in your own marriage?
3. The author says that "happiness" is a result of something. What is it the result of?
4. The author says that marriage is a lot of work and the right kind of work to be done in marriage
is "character work". What does he mean? What does this look like for you personally?
Page 106 of 142
5. The author says that when we are not happy, something good may be happening -that
unhappiness is an opportunity. Explain this in your own words.
6. The author identifies six values worthy of consideration. At first glance, which one would you say
is your strength and which one would you say is perhaps your weakness?
Page 107 of 142
WEEK 41 : LOVE GOD
VALUE 1: LOVE OF GOD
1. Is loving God (with every ounce of your being) your orienting principle to life? Consistently?
What types of things cause you to lose this focus? If loving God (with every ounce of your being)
is not your orienting principle but you would like for it to be, what must you do? What must you
pray?
2. Are you motivated to submit to God on a daily basis and the things He requires of you to get the
things that He desires for you?
3. Do you pray and ask God to show you the areas in your life that He would like to cleanse and
change and make anew? Are you sensitive to the conviction of the Holy Spirit when you sin in
thought, word, or deed? If you do not believe that you are very sensitive in this area, what can
you do to change? What can you pray?
Page 108 of 142
4. Do you love God enough to change – particularly in ways that will affect your marriage?
5. How often do you call on the help of the Holy Spirit and His grace to make personal changes? To
forgive? To obey?
6. If you plant seeds of loving God, what kind of a harvest can you expect? What about in your
marriage?
Page 109 of 142
WEEK 42 : LOVE YOUR SPOUSE
VALUE 2: LOVE OF YOUR SPOUSE
1. How do you "add to your spouse's existence?" (Identify 3 things that you do for your spouse to
contribute to his/her life in a positive way)
2. Identify three things that gratifies you about your spouse.
3. According to the author, what does it mean to love your spouse as yourself?
4. How often do you stop and ask yourself how you would feel personally if your spouse just said or
did to you the very thing that you just said or did to him/her?
Page 110 of 142
5. What kinds of things might you have to "die to" or give up in order to consider your spouse's
feelings at any point in time (e.g. seeking revenge)?
6. What kinds of things might you have to set aside in order to meet your spouse's needs at certain
times? (e.g. your own plans or fatigue)
7. How is commitment so important to not only the growth of the marriage relationship but also to
the growth of each person in the marriage?
8. The author says that true love will not allow itself to go cold. What can you do to rekindle your
love if needed? What can you do to keep it alive?
Page 111 of 142
Week 43 : Honesty
VALUE 3: HONESTY
1. What are some reasons we lie?
2. Is there such a thing as a "good lie" or "white lie?" Is it still a form of deception?
3. In the Bible, who is the Father of lies?
4. What is the impact of deception on a relationship? How does deception impact connection?
Page 112 of 142
5. How much of the time are you totally honest / transparent? All? Most? Much? Seldom?
6. Do you really want to be truly "known" by your spouse?
7. In what areas do you struggle the most with regard to being honest?
8. What emotional baggage do you have that impacts your ability to be honest? Have you
acknowledged this to God and asked for help?
9. What kind of atmosphere in your marriage can you help create and sustain that facilitates
honest expression?
Page 113 of 142
10. How can you create safety?
11. What types of things do you do that make it difficult for your spouse to be honest?
12. Have you asked God for His grace to enable you to "live in the light?"?
Page 114 of 142
revisiting Speaking the Truth in Love. Challenge yourself to come up with at least one appreciation
your spouse has not heard yet.

We realize that for some of you this may not be an easy exercise. What we are trying to help you do
is to get the emotional/relational slate clean between the two of you and to keep it that way. That's
it is beneficial for you to do this every 4th week ongoing. Remember that what the goal in your
marriage is loving, honest, consistent communication. You have got to learn how to share who you
are and what you feel naturally and consistently.
Page 115 of 142
WEEK 44 : FAITHFULNESS
VALUE 4: FAITHFULNESS
1. What is the difference between physical faithfulness and emotional faithfulness?
2. Can you be faithful physically/sexually but not emotionally? What might that look like?
3. What is an affair of the heart?
4. Are you so confident in God and His provision that you do not worry about anything? If yes, how
does this state of being feel? If no, what keeps you from trusting God in this way?
Page 116 of 142
5. In what areas are you this confident in your spouse? In what areas are you not so confident?
6. What do you think your spouse would say about his/her level of confidence in you? Identify the
strong and weak areas.
7. Are their ways you intentionally avoid your spouse? What gives rise to this tendency?
8. How can you begin to address (or continue to address) the reasons for your tendencies to avoid
your spouse?
Page 117 of 142
9. For what can you pray and ask God related to your faithfulness, your spouse, your marriage?
10. Are you willing to keep praying and listening when you ask God to bring about changes that are
not immediately forthcoming?
11. What does it mean to you that God will always be faithful to you?
Page 118 of 142
WEEK 45 : FORGIVENESS
VALUE 5: COMPASSION AND FORGIVENESS
1. What does hardheartedness look like to you?
2. What does a tender heart look like to you?
3. Describe what it looks like when your spouse is tender-hearted. What about when you are
tender-hearted?
4. How do you typically respond when a friend or other family member fails you in some way?
Page 119 of 142
5. How do you typically respond when your spouse fails you in some way?
6. How open and assertive are you with others when you are hurt or disappointed?
7. What does it mean to be told in God's Word to clothe yourself with compassion, kindness,
humility, gentleness, and patience?
8. Do you believe that God will enable you to do that if you ask?
Page 120 of 142
9. How does God respond when we confess to Him a sinful response to someone and then ask Him
for His help?
10. Do you believe that you are becoming more of a forgiving person than perhaps you have been
historically? If yes, how is this coming about?
Page 121 of 142
WEEK 46 : HOLINESS
VALUE 6: HOLINESS
1. How do you personally define holiness?
2. How does the Bible define it?
3. In what ways is holiness attractive to you?
4. Is holiness something you desire in your own life? Why or why not?
Page 122 of 142
5. What might the process of becoming more holy look like? What will it require of you?
6. What is God's part in that process? What is your part?
7. What is the fruit of a holy life? What is the fruit of a holy marriage?
8. On page 140, the author describes 5 fruits or results of the presence of holiness in one's life and
marriage. Do you remember what those five were?
Page 123 of 142
9. Choose one that you believe is the least present in your life and talk to God about it. If you
desire, ask Him to give you the grace to be more holy in that particular area.
Page 124 of 142
WEEK 47 : INTRUDER PROTECTION
THREE'S A CROWD: PROTECTING YOUR MARRIAGE FROM INTRUDERS
1. Have you ever considered that you are a "steward" to your marriage covenant?
2. What does/might that look like?
3. Of what other things do you consider yourself a steward?
4. How do these things compare to your marriage covenant?
5. Who or what (outside your marriage) demands something from you?
Page 125 of 142
6. Who or what (outside your marriage-excluding opposite sex temptation) entices or tempts you?
7. What do you understand about the concept of "triangulation"?
8. Can you identify other people/relationships that you have brought into the marriage in an
unhealthy way?
9. If there is currently someone triangulated into your marriage, discuss ways in which you can
bring your marriage back into realignment and de-triangulate the third party (even if it is a
family member).
Page 126 of 142
10. Do you have a tendency to say "yes" to so many other things/people that your marriage
relationship is sometimes jeopardized?

Page 127 of 142
WEEK 48 : KINDS OF CONFLICT
SIX KINDS OF CONFLICT
1. Describe the attitude of God toward someone who sins according to Ephesians 4:32.
Ephesians 4:32 New Living Translation (NLT)
32 Instead, be kind to each other, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, just as God through
Christ has forgiven you.
2. Is this your typical style of responding when someone sins against you? Why or why not?
3. How might you be inclined to respond if your spouse responded directly but warmly and
compassionately to your sin?
4. Explain why you think our natural tendency is to respond defensively when confronted.
Page 128 of 142
5. Is there a (problematic) situation in your life or relationship in which you have had difficulty
accepting and owning the reality of the problem? Explain.
6. What within you tempts you to handle your spouse’s shortcoming judgmentally, critically, or
impatiently?
7. Do you have a tendency to approach a problem in your relationship with an underlying

assumption that someone is right and someone is wrong? Explain.
Page 129 of 142
8. Are you in touch with yourself enough that you can (fairly easily) identify what you are feeling
and generally why you are feeling that way? If not, how could you help yourself learn to function
“more in touch with yourself”?
9. How do you and your spouse typically negotiate conflicting desires around decisions such as
vacations, pastimes, small purchases, etc.? Is there one person in your relationship who tends to
“give in” more than the other or is it fairly equal?
10. Do you have a mutual agreement/understanding in your marriage that invites honest and open
feedback regarding character flaws and such? What are some healthy ways that things of this
nature can be discussed that inspires growth?
Page 130 of 142
WEEK 49 : BOUNDARY-LOVING
RESOLVING CONFLICT WITH A BOUNDARY-LOVING SPOUSE
1. Are you a boundary lover? Explain.
2. Read Proverbs 15:32. How do you react when you are being blamed? Share an example.
Proverbs 15:32 New Living Translation (NLT)
32 If you reject discipline, you only harm yourself;
but if you listen to correction, you grow in understanding.
3. How do you react when someone shares feedback with you? Share an example.
4. Review the traits on p. 196. Which ones are strengths for you?
Page 131 of 142
5. Which traits are weaknesses?
6. How have you viewed conflict in the past?
7. How do you now view conflict differently?
8. Through observation, is there a problem or conflict that has gone unnoticed?
Page 132 of 142
9. Is there a problem that you have been afraid or hesitant to bring up and discuss with your mate?
Read Ephesians 4:25
New Living Translation (NLT)
25 So stop telling lies. Let us tell our neighbours the truth, for we are all parts of the same body.
10. Is there a hurt that you feel or have caused that you need to own and work through?
Page 133 of 142
WEEK 50 : BOUNDARY-RESISTANT
RESOLVING CONFLICT WITH A BOUNDARY-RESISTANT SPOUSE
1. What do boundaries protect and why are they important?
2. List some positive attributes that come from having boundaries as God designed them.
3. On page 202, some positive outcomes of preserving your mate’s boundaries are listed. Which of
these outcomes, if any, do you struggle with?
4. If you are boundary resistant, which of the changes do you most fear?
Page 134 of 142
5. How do you think the discipline of boundaries will eventually bear good results in your life?
6. Do you see yourself in a “mixed marriage”? Why or why not?
7. If you are boundary-resistant, which of the descriptions can you relate with?
Page 135 of 142
8. Explain how God works with us to change us. See Revelation 2:2-5
Revelation 2:2-5 New Living Translation (NLT)
2 “I know all the things you do. I have seen your hard work and your patient endurance. I
know you don’t tolerate evil people. You have examined the claims of those who say they
are apostles but are not. You have discovered they are liars. 3 You have patiently suffered
for me without quitting.
4 “But I have this complaint against you. You don’t love me or each other as you did at first!
[a] 5 Look how far you have fallen! Turn back to me and do the works you did at first. If you
don’t repent, I will come and remove your lampstand from its place among the churches.
Footnotes:
2:4 Greek You have lost your first love.
9. What is your goal for setting boundaries? How can you make love the goal in setting boundaries
in your relationship?
10. Do you need to create appropriate consequences for your mate when a boundary is crossed?
Page 136 of 142
WEEK 51 : AVOIDING MISUSE
AVOIDING THE MISUSE OF BOUNDARIES IN MARRIAGE
1. What were boundaries designed for? How do you feel about that design?
2. What is your experience with setting limits in marriage? Has it caused you more suffering?
3. How have you seen Romans 5:3-4 play out in your life?
Romans 5:3-4 New Living Translation (NLT)
3 We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us
develop endurance. 4 And endurance develops strength of character, and character
strengthens our confident hope of salvation.
4. What are some benefits you have gained in your marriage that came from suffering?
Page 137 of 142
5. Have you personally experienced Proverbs 19:19 with relationships in your life?
Proverbs 19:19 New Living Translation (NLT)
19 Hot-tempered people must pay the penalty. If you rescue them once, you will have to do it
again.
6. Explain your definition of Godly suffering and ungodly suffering.
7. How in the past have you attempted to set boundaries by setting an ultimatum?
8. What disruptions have you witnessed in your relationships due to unforgiveness?
Page 138 of 142
9. What does Ephesians 5:22-23, 25 mean to you?
Ephesians 5:22-25 New Living Translation (NLT)
22 For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For a husband is the
head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Saviour of his body, the church.
25 For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his
life for her
10. Explain the meaning of John 3:19-21.

John 3:19-21 New Living Translation (NLT)
19 And the judgment is based on this fact: God’s light came into the world, but people loved
the darkness more than the light, for their actions were evil. 20 All who do evil hate the light
and refuse to go near it for fear their sins will be exposed. 21 But those who do what is right
come to the light so others can see that they are doing what God wants.[a]”
Footnotes:
3:21 Or can see God at work in what he is doing.
Page 139 of 142
Page 140 of 142
WEEK 52 : CONCLUSION
Congratulations on making it through the entire year of Married for
Life curriculum! I know this year has not been easy, but I am truly so
happy you have made it this far. For this week’s lesson, do an
overview of the last year. What has been the most helpful? What
did not work? Make a plan to the behaviours you want to continue
and those you will work to eliminate.
To help you continue in your healing, I've provided a list of helpful

resources you can either do individually, as a couple, or in your
Married for Life small group. Also, if you feel led to give back in some
way and want to help couples new to our site, please email
leading@hope-now.com and ask for ways you can help. We are so
grateful you've allowed us to partner with you in this journey, and
wish you all the best!
To healing!
Rick
Page 141 of 142
RESOURCES
This is only a beginning list of books and websites that we have found inspirational or helpful. We
are always updating and putting more on the list. There are so many great authors and so many
great books. Our minds ache just thinking of all that we want to recommend to you. We run the risk
of offending some or implying these are the best. That is not our heart or our intention. Each of the
three therapists associated with Affair Recovery just grabbed our favourites and created this list.
That’s it.
SEXUAL ADDICTION Sacred Romance – John Eldredge

Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction – Mark Blue Like Jazz – Donald Miller
Laaser
Velvet Elvis – Rob Bell
Torn Asunder – Dave Carder
Crisis In Masculinity – Leanne Payne
No Stones, Women Redeemed from Sexual
Shame – Marnie Ferree Inside Out – Larry Crabb
Secret Wars – Patrick Means The Pressure’s Off – Larry Crabb
Facing the Shadow – Patrick Carnes The Imitation of Christ – Thomas A’ Kempis
Contrary to Love – Patrick Carnes Mere Christianity – C.S. Lewis (anything by him)
Don’t Call it Love – Patrick Carnes The Way of the Heart – Henry Nouwen (anything
by him too)
Out of the Shadows – Patrick Carnes
The Practice of the Presence of God – Brother
Breaking Free: Understanding Sexual Addiction Lawrence
and the Healing Power of Jesus – Russell
Willingham Abide in Christ – Andrew Murray
The Bondage Breaker and Victory over Darkness Waiting on God – Andrew Murray
– Neil Anderson Absolute Surrender – Andrew Murray
COADDICTION/CO-DEPENDENCY Side-tracked In the Wilderness – Michael Wells

Co-dependent No More – Melody Beattie Ragamuffin Gospel – Brennan Manning
Living with Your Husband’s Secret Wars –
Marsha Means WEBSITES
www.freechristianaudiobooks.com/
SEXUAL ABUSE www.mikewellsdownload.com
The Wounded Heart – Dan Allendar
www.jesus.org.uk/vault/library_ebooks_index.s
INSPIRATIONAL html
Wild at Heart – John Eldredge
www.settingcaptivesfree.org
Captivating – Stasi & John Eldredge
www.ransomedheart.com
Waking the Dead – John Eldredge
Page 142 of 142

Married For Life 2018

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Married for Life

CONTRACT – MARRIED FOR LIFE

Signed ________________________ Date ____/______/______

Signed ________________________ Date ____/______/______

Signed ________________________ Date ____/______/______

Signed ________________________ Date ____/______/______

GROUP COMMITMENTS – MARRIED FOR LIFE

I try so hard to please you. To be the love that feels you up

WEEK #1 QUESTIONS FOR “MARRIAGE”

3. In what ways do you see yourself growing in your capacity to love?

6. What do you think about the notion that love is a choice?

7. Does anyone know how the Bible defines love?

What messages of love did you get from your parents?

What are the three demon dialogues?

Also, complete the following exercise.

Do you protest or withdraw?

The more I __________________________________________________,

the more you _________________________________________________,

and then the more I

____________________________________________, and round and

I tend to _________________________________. I move this way in our dance to try

I do this in hope that ___________________________________________________.

As this pattern keeps going, I feel __________________________________________.

What I then say to myself about our relationship is____________________________

Summarize the most catastrophic conclusion you can imagine.

The more I _______________________________________________, the more you

______________________________. We are then both trapped in pain and isolation.

For that reason, let’s do a refresher for this week.

Please go back in your EMSO workbook and review the section on

As we mentioned during EMSO, life is hard and anger is only a secondary

Be prepared to share this at the next group meeting.

b. What emotion did you feel?

2. How Does Your Body Respond?

b. Can a body experience help you give that reaction a name?

b. What do you say to yourself when this happens?

4. What do you do then?

a. How do you move into action?

2. On the surface I showed _______________________________________

3. Deep down I felt ______________________________________________

4. What I longed for was _________________________________________

5. The main message I got about me or our bond was __________________

6. Is the raw spot just for mate or for others?__________________________

2) Questions for you about your mate:

3. Do they just see your reactive surface emotions?

4. Can you guess one of your partner’s raw spots?

3) Share with Your Partner

2. You both felt disconnected

b. Who tried to turn it down and avoid strong emotions?

fantasy is that what will happen is __________________________________________.

I moved in the dance by (shutting down etc.) _________________________________

When I heard/saw (attachment cue)

_________________________________________, I just felt

When we get stuck in our cycle and I _______________________________________

(use an action word, e.g., push), I feel ____________________________________

(surface emotion). The emotional trigger for my sense of disconnection is when I

(the attachment cue). On a deeper level, I am feeling

Aspects An example of the appreciation

32. A great friend

61. A great spouse

62. A great parent

SPEAKING THE TRUTH IN LOVE

 Name two of your own raw spots

Signed ________________ Date //

Signed ________________ Date //

Signed ________________ Date //

Signed ________________ Date //